Thursday, February 16, 2012

Feeling Flashy: Things That Go Blink in the Night

First of all, I'd like to apologize for the line spacing issues that have been plaguing this blog since Monday.  I'm not sure why it's been happening, and sadly I'm not equipped with the intellect necessary to figure out how to remedy it.  In an attempt to obviate the problem today, I am now trying Bl-gger's "new interface."  The sensation is a disconcerting one (like switching to a new brand of integrated shifters or a new style of underpants) but should I attain line-spacing consistency as a result then the discomfort will be worthwhile.

Meanwhile, yesterday I premiered the promotional video for my upcoming book, "Drunken Gardening," and a number of people asked the following question:

"Where's your helment?"

Well, obviously it's not on my head, but if you really insist on knowing more then I'll tell you that it's being buried with Whitney Houston, and I'll kindly ask you to refrain from further helment-related questions during what is for me a very emotional time.

Speaking of safety, last whatever-day-it-was (I no longer count days since time is a construct that corporate industry and the government use to control us) I mentioned that Knog had sent me their new "Blinder" lights to try:

Well, I finally tried them.

I've been using Knog's USB-rechargeable "Boomers" for quite some time now.  As a blogger who spends a considerable amount of time in front of a computer (literally dozens of minutes on some days) I appreciate anything that you can just stick into a USB port.  In fact, if I had a USB-powered George Foreman grill and a a USB-powered toilet I'd never have to leave my computer again.  Well, the "Blinders" also charge by means of a USB port, only instead of having to take the light part out of the rubber part, all you have to do is open the little USB "dingle" on the "Blinder" and plug it right it.  They also mount to your bars or seatpost by means of an ingenious hinged and reticulated latch-and-hasp system, which is something I just made up and which means absolutely nothing.

So are they blinding?  Well, it definitely hurt my eyes to look at them, so potentially I'd say "yes."  Sure, maybe not this blinding, but blinding nonetheless.  I also took some pictures with my "smart phone" device.  However, it turns out it's kind of hard to take pictures of blinky lights, for the simple reason that they blink.  For example, first I took this picture, and I got nothing:


(Not blinding.)

But then I took this picture and I got a phone full of photons, or futons, or whatever that stuff in light is:


(Blammo!)

Ten minutes later my seizure finally abated, and so I took a few shots of the rear:







These and the rest of the photos in this stunning series will be on display at the International Center of Photography in New York, NY until May 6th, 2012:


I'd invite you all to the opening reception but there's no way you're cool enough.

Anyway, once my blinding Blinders were all fired up I set off into the night filled with a deep and profoundly warming sense of smugness over all the other riders with their feeble blinkies powered by waning and moribund batteries.  Even this guy in the reflective vest was like a ninja compared to me:


If you're wondering where my reflective vest is, it's being buried with Whitney Houston (which in New York we pronounce "HOUSE-ton.")

Still, these lights are not for everybody.  For example, if you're a true retrogrouch, you may want to wait for the new Rivendell blinkies, which you charge by plugging into a manual typewriter.  Or, if you don't like to be an "early adopter," you can wait until the "2.0" version of the Knog Blinders, which I understand will come with a special ultra-bright and super-blinding setting called "Oedipus:"


("D'oh!"--Oedipus)

Now that's what I call motherfucking bright.

On a far more serious note (not like incest and self-mutilation isn't serious), as you may know, here in New York City it's almost impossible to actually get in trouble for mowing somebody down with your car, even if you have a suspended license or you simply decide to drive away.  Well, the City Council is finally asking the NYPD to account for this, and Gothamist recently published an excellent article about the hearing that ensued:


Given the number of people killed by cars in New York City you already knew the recent bicycle crackdown was crazy, but you may not have realized just how crazy it was:

The NYPD issued more summonses to cyclists than truck drivers last year: truckers got 14,962 moving violation summonses and 10,415 Criminal Court summonses, while cyclists got 13,743 moving violation summonses and a whopping 34,813 Criminal Court summonses. Priorities!

Wow.  Also, Paul Steely White of Transportation Alternatives raised a good question:

"The NYPD is among the most sophisticated law enforcement operations in the country," concluded White, the director of Transportation Alternatives. "It’s the sixth largest standing army in the world, it has officers stationed in scores of foreign nations and it can shoot down small aircraft. The question for us today is if its officers can do more to keep New Yorkers safe on our own streets and deter drivers from killing hundreds and injuring thousands of innocent people every year?"

Of course, the NYPD already has a great plan to keep us safe on the streets, which is to ticket us all until we finally stop riding bikes.

But what if you want to keep riding a bike anyway?  What can you do to make cycling safer?  Well, you can invest in "the world's first theft-resistant bike light:"



"While we love city cycling, it can be dangerous," says the video as a fixie rider in stripey sock dives in front of a cab for no reason.  "Cars bully us, thieves steal from us, and really, we're sick of it.  So we asked ourselves the question, 'How can we fight back?'"


Well, I'd start by taking my lights off when I go inside, but then again I'm not very smart.  I have also, admittedly, failed to take a light off only to find it gone when I returned.  But this actually happened to me in San Francisco, not New York, and the thief struck while I enjoyed a post-BRA burrito.  I thought it happened to me in New York once too, and I think I even wrote about the incident on this very blog, but then I found the light in my bag like two weeks later.

The inventors, however, are smart.  In fact, they're so smart they met at MIT--though now that I think about it they don't specify whether they actually attended MIT, so it's always possible they just bumped into each other while buying MIT t-shirts and then struck up a friendship:


Still, this is certainly a cut above the typical Kickstarter pitch, and I did enjoy the shower scene:


If they can equip it with an Oedipus setting then maybe the'll be onto something.

126 comments:

Jeff said...

I did it!

Dr. Feelgood said...

Podium - scranus!

dcdouglas said...

podium?

leroy said...

Wait, more tickets for cyclists than truck drivers in NYC?

Well color me nonplussed.

I feel like Rick Santorum when he found out that the wages of sin are death and damnation, but even that job comes with dental.

le Correcteur said...

Missed the podium again! But top ten again too! Now to read.

mikeweb said...

My eyes!!!

McFly said...

Too easy top ten

Anonymous said...

!

Anonymous said...

Dude, please don't promote those blinding lights. Or blinking lights. All they do over normal non-blinking lights is distract cyclists coming the other way (or riding behind, for rear lights). Really, do I need a blinding flashing light in my face while I try to negotiate the other obstacles in the street/bike path/wherever?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten!

pebes said...

doh

le Correcteur said...

"Now that's what I call motherfucking bright."

Your Oedipus comments are both funny and educational, WRM. As is the comment that we're just not cool enough for your gallery opening.

Now maybe Knog can make lights with some kind of cord on them appropriate for hanging?

le Correcteur

crosspalms said...

Photo Slut needs spellcheck.

I've forgotten to take the lights off my bike a couple of times, too. Fortunately, thieves have great memories. The other day I forgot I had a frame pump on the bike. I no longer have to remember, but I guess I'm in the market for a new pump. Maybe I'll check Craigslist and see how much they're asking for my old one.

Anonymous said...

Today's entry caused me to visit the Rivendell website for the first time ever. I do enjoy the way you can see the hands of the folks holding the bikes upright in some of their frame shots. A nice retro touch.

http://www.rivbike.com/product-p/f-roadeo.htm

Has this been noticed before? Probably.. oh well it made me laugh.

leroy said...

Dear Anon 11:56 --

If you are salmoning on 2nd Avenue, the answer is "why, yes. Yes you do."

mikeweb said...

For a USB rechargeable light set, I picked up this one a couple months ago and the front one also. Great investment.

Keith Earickson said...

spacing issues, schmacing issues. I just thought it was a novel way to break up the sweet, sweet prose of this blog thingy into the different voices of the different bloggers that live inside snob's head.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

", all you have to do is open the little USB "dingle" on the "Blinder" and plug it right it"

...that's what she said

Anonymous said...

Reticulated?
Obviate?
But no "nonplussed"?

meh.

It's "Portmanteau Thursday."
Where's your contribution Snub?

"the NYPD already has a great plan to keep us safe on the streets, which is to ticket us all until we finally stop riding bikes."

It's funny because it's true!

singlespeedwaster said...

I demand a bigger podium, with room for 30 wasters

The King Laius of Park Slope said...

You couldn't have work MILF in there somewhere?

leroy said...

Oedipus explained.

http://tinyurl.com/3cpsx9y

Dr. Feelgood said...

I would be concerned that the blindingly bright blinky light would be reflected from my wrist mirror and set a delivery truck on fire! In such a case, who would the NYC police ticket?

On a separate note, Sophocles' trilogy is refered to as the Oedipus Cycle.....weird!

DerZoots said...

That's about right for MIT bicycle hobbiest.
Ignore the absence of a problem to find a solution.

Buffalo Bill said...

My selectric doesn't have a usb port, I know I should have bought that lugged smith-corona.

Big Charlie said...

You "took shots of the rear". hahahahaahha. Blammo!

Also, when is Knog coming out with the "Blender"? I could use a bike-mounted USB-powered smoothie machine. You know it would go perfectly with the aforementioned Foreman.

ringcycles said...

There you go WildCat Rock Machine; flogging your Knogs on your blog, yet again.

theEel said...

Lighweed.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I feel somewhat cheated, seeing as where each recent post has been perfectly spaced, and thus I have no idea of what you speak.

Anonymous said...

What Whitney HOUSE-ton song has a refrain of helments...I get confused so easily.

Anonymous said...

Snobby, oh Snobby. You have reached new heights in product placement Cat 6 glory. But your retrogrouchiness remains pitiful.

Retrogrouches have two lighting options:

1. Pre-Nightsun generator. These vary in douchiness from the unit that drags on the sidewall to the rare and expensive hub with the built-in generator as supreme douchiness.

2. pre-LED/LCD/Whatever battery operated light no one saw or the supremely douchy Nightsun with a water bottle shaped battery pack.

db said...

@Leroy (re: the dental) : Yeah, but the deductible....

Anonymous said...

Panties!
Panties flash in the night!!

lazymus maximus said...

I feel it's safe to say that less bicyclists have been killed riding around New York, then soldiers who died in WWI and WWII.

nice light meathead.

Marcel Da Chump said...

blinded by the light
wrapped up like a douche

Anonymous said...

If only Oedipus had been wearing his helmet, that never would have happened!
BTW, for the record, that name is pronounced ED-i-pus, not EED-ipus, as if the ancient Greeks were practicing some sort of feline cannibalism.

Anonymous said...

Tilford doesn't wear a helment, either.

crosspalms said...

marcel
+1, except I hate that song and now it's going to be running through my head all afternoon...

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna start a bike blog so people will send me free crap just so I can make fun of it, too.

JB said...

"[The NYPD] has officers stationed in scores of foreign nations."

Huh? WTF?

specq said...

Anon 1:04,

I knew the Ancient Greeks were a bunch of cool cats, but I had always assumed that was just metaphorical.

Grant Penisson said...

What do you do when the sun goes down on the pasture in which you ride your Hunquapillar? New at Rivendell: candles. Safe, reliable and convenient, our hand dipped wax beauties will light your way neither rain nor shine.

Anonymous said...

That light is a good idea.

It would be nice to be able to leave your lights on your bike everytime you go into a building for 5 minutes.

Just like your seat, and your wheels.

Some change is good, WRM. It will be ok.

Anonymous said...

Reticulated = striped. Articulated = jointed.

Anonymous said...

To the brilliant idiots at Gotham defender whatever; Your light is not shaped like the barrel of a revolver, it is shaped like the cylinder...The barrel is the part that goes in your mouth. Just sayin'

Anonymous said...

Crappy music and bears.




balls™

MGB said...

Blinky lights on the front should be outlawed.

And, scranus.

Mike said...

city cycling can indeed be dangerous, especially when you ride like the jackass in that video.

I love Chinese food said...

Sorry i am late. I was behind Emily of Gucci fame and she would not work.

Anonymous said...

Why is the Knog light shaped like an arrow? It's not a directional blinker, is it? Is it telling cars where to go? Where you are going? It's a pretty confusing bike light, no?

Anonymous said...

Sorry I'm late. I spent the morning praising LOB that I don't live in NYC.

Anonymous said...

Is Vivian Leigh in the shower scene? I could watch it to find out, but why watch if Vivian Leigh is not in the shower scene?

Anonymous said...

hey, reflector vest guy, it's pointless to stop at an intersection if you're stopped in the intersection. talk about being mowed down...

Blog Drafter said...

Chicken suit one day, Oedipus complex the next day, blah, blah, blah, brilliant1st.

bikesgonewild said...

...now...about this oedipus thingy...

...so, i'm wondering, if a guys got like a really, really hot mom & hey, all his friends are always talkin' about her, which makes him always think about her, so, i mean, how wrong could it be, if like he gets a big boner when she gives him a motherly hug 'cuz, hey, they're mother & son & they love each other n' shit, so really, does that make it wrong if, like when that happens, she gives him an occasional handjob or maybe even a little bj, just so, you know, they can be relaxed n' shit ???...

...i mean, is that so bad ???...'cuz i know this guy & i was just wondering...

bikesgonewild said...

...btw...has anybody seen my dad lately ???...he, ahhh, said he hadda go out a' town for awhile & gave me the job of re-cementing the walkway at the side of the house...

FOTO SLUT said...

Thanks for the tip on Whitney's last name, you're a doll.
I mean, you're droll.

The decription "ingenious hinged and reticulated latch-and-hasp system" was well articulated.

Anonymous said...

that light is ridiculous!
they are using security-Torx, which you can buy at every hardware store in the world

Marcel Da Chump said...

crosspalms, sorry. Same here (hear)...

Anonymous said...

"The NYPD is among the most sophisticated law enforcement operations in the country,"

that's a horrifying thought for the rest of the country. have you seen the average NYC rank and file beat cop? I'm not sure how those guys manage not to put their underwear on over their pants each morning let alone shoot down planes from the sky. When you're offering a whopping $28k a year for the pleasure of risking your life you are not going to actually attract "new york's finest". sorry but it's true.

Every thiefs tool kit said...

anon 2:34, I was about to say the same. besides they will just steal your whole cockpit as WRM knows.

anon 1:31, HAHAHA in your mouth. Suicide is funny.

just tool said...

*steel you're hole cock pit

g-roc said...

It's human nature (and nature in general) to go for the lowest hanging fruit. Why would you expect the NYPD to be different? So if the NYPD grabs you by the pants yabbies, well, now you know why.

Serial Retrogrouch said...

can't we wage a war against the NYPD? and mix in the truckers, cabbies and all the rest of the a$$wipes who drive weapons in the city? we probably outnumber them... at least in the two weeks of mild weather in the spring and fall.

it makes me sick-to-my-stomach when i hear the leniency with which the NYPD treats murderers and maimers... but lob-darn it, i'm not getting off my bike... they can get it from cold dead buttox. (i don't mean that i keep a bike stored there... i just mean that... oh forget it)

yogisurf said...

Great vid to introduce the new book, Snobby. The stories about chicken suits, fruit loops and bathtubs are true! And what a nice looking B. Godzilla. Salmoning and all. A strung out Nu Fred catching change in a bike helmet.

Anonymous said...

cyclists keep transportation real
bike theft ignored is the deal

They ride in sophisticated cruisers
Maybe stop for a cruller

these cyclist also get mowed down
police respond with yawn, a frown

They collect government largesse
Our Wednesday Weed, we shant posess

Gov't bureaucracy a necessary evil
politicians want power, not people

Shortsighted policies they pass
into the books, to rest at last
po

cheddar_head said...

Anonymous @2:34

They may well be Torx screws, but this device is now associated with MIT and thus has Ivy League defense against theft powers.

If it's Ivy League or whatever you want to lump MIT into, it's special. Even when it breaks, destroys a banking system, or cripples a society, Ivy League is never to blame. Blame the sucker who bought it. They'll take the blame too.

Billy said...

Sorry to hear about your helment and reflective vest.

How do the Knog rechargeables compare to the NiteRiders?

http://www.rei.com/product/826128/niterider-minewt600-cordless-bike-light

Jasper said...

"I'd invite you all to the opening reception but there's no way you're cool enough".
Well, I think we're all so cool that we will be crashing it anyway, and the posting ironic edits of it on Vimeo. Except bgw - unless he changes his meds soon.

Big Charlie said...

As a motorist, I love seeing cyclists with front white blinkers, especially around dawn and dusk. Mostly because I CAN see them.

They are way more visible than a solid light. As a cyclist, I like having one for the same reason.

McFly said...

BGW,
This is a site about cycling......

Not a site about having sex with your Mom......

If you want to have sex with your Mom go shove it where the sun does not shine......

She likes it that way anyhow........

Just make sure you give her a reach around......

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

I only use a front blinker when it's too light for a continuous beam to help me see, but too dark to be easily seen by others. So, about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes before sunrise, depending on atmospheric conditions.

Anonymous said...

Theft resistant bike light:
Buy LED flashlight (15 bucks)
Buy 2 hose clamps (80 cents)

One hose clamp goes around the flashlight, the other around the handlebar. Tighten.

Could you get this off with a screwdirver? Yes. Will any light-stealing crackhead ever figure that out? No.

This has worked for me with for 2+ years in bed stuy where the bike is out on the sidewalk at all times.

bikesgonewild said...

...awww...ain't that cute...

...mcfly, you just keep tryin' your best, little buddy...

Anonymous said...

those 50,000 lumens blinking retina-searing lights are the WORST. i want to punch the person every time i ride by and get blinded by one.

jimbo said...

testiculated = testiculated

Anonymous said...

I like how you ended with the'll.
It's like olde tyme english talk.
Thee thou poo in the loo.
Thyne panties are abunch.

Anonymous said...

@Anon 5:01

Pictures? Waterproof? I want!

crosspalms said...

McFly,
Cycling? Where'd you get that idea? It's panties and scranus around here, Marty. Don't be deceived by the occasional exploding wheel.

Anonymous said...

Showner helment.

screaming skull said...

Hello! McFly!
Hello! McFly!

Anonymous said...

Coolest blinky is found on ebay.
Skull and cross-bones with random colors and blinky effect.
Capable of throwing the "whammy" on any one following you.
I've actually seen it turn another rider into a chicken.
True story.

Anonymous said...

yehaw! 7 bitches in the le velo video. and if you don't know what that is you suck.

g-roc said...

Billy 4:05, nice link - a cordless bike light? Damn, I gotta get me one of those. Every time I try to go for a ride at night, the light goes out before I get past the curb. And here I though I needed a longer extension cord.

And everyone else, McFly's being ironic. McFly's never posted anything that wasn't about sex. All the crushing on BGW is a little disturbing tho.

I am an offended engine said...

"The best defense is a good offense". -Carl von Clausewitz

Watch out coppers we are gunning for you, even if it is with only really bright lights.

McFly said...

Is the Gatorskin superior to the Durano? I could not help but notice the Snob runs/rocks/rubs/palps them. An American tire named Schwalbe and a German tyre named Continental? Now THAT'S irony. Seriously I am in the market. Also, sex.

Anonymous said...

Those light guys are so bangable {!}

MMmmmm... Lithium said...

bgw post....

quite disturbing, even for this place.

Anonymous said...

Dear Wildcat Rock Machine

Having a young child is a precious time and a golden ticket to get some great cycling chick pictures.
It is about time you, leave your wife at home, take the kid and get some sexy vixen shots.

Anonymous said...

In terms of lighting I Velcro'd a light to my crotch and sprinkle glitter all over myself. The PDX police don't even mess with me.

Ben G

Anonymous said...

Big fan of the MiNewt 600 by Niterider. It is solid.

Ernst-Wilhelm Bohle said...

Wir sind keine Amerikaner. Wir sind eine Deutsch Corporation, Herr McFliege.

Ralf Bohle said...

Was hast du geraucht Vater? Sie werden denken, wir sind alle Nazis!

Anonymous said...

The "Theft-Resistant Bike Light by Gotham Bicycle Defense" looks like the cylinder of a gun...
Have you noticed??

Anonymous said...

I ride around with a machete and no squirrelly ass anybodys messes with me.

Joshua said...

Tamper-proof Torx tools are for sale in the hardware store. In fact, I bought mine (a portable folding variety that could remove any number of MIT-designed lights) at Harbor Freight for $6.

McFly said...

So Schwalbe is German. No wonder they are so good. Also, sex.

amy! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
3G said...

Lasp Hatch? I thought that's a type-o in the Farbmen instructions for the blender shower drain?

Scrantorum said...

Century!

Anonymous said...

We like our story...move along.

Anonymous said...

These are not the droids you are looking for.

ce said...

Anon 9:43, these aren't teh reddit you're looking for.

wp said...

Century + FOURTH!


i'm back yall.

wp again said...

that part 'bout the manual typewriter and the rivendell. well, i gotta admit-i 'bout peed my shorts on that one i did.

yes, me 'gain. said...

ONE

OH

SACHS (that's lugged steel for "six")

Anonymous said...

We like our story of being crazy doped to the gill kids, huffing gas and burning ants with magnifying glasses on the sidewalk and whooping ass on the other cross eyed kids.

Ant massacre

Alan the X said...

Came for teh helment smack..left somewhat satisfied.

(is a helment fascist)

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:o6

Didn't huff the gas or do the doping but I loved burning ants!!
that was sick
remember the smell of those ants burning?
they were like "awe f**k you you mother f**king bastard!!"

This is shit kids did prior to playing video games.

Anonymous said...

I would think that Lance has enough money to fix his cross eyes. Maybe he doesn't believe they are truely crossed.
Whatever when you are rocking three on the tree.

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Anonymous said...

Great use of statistics there. A higher number of citations surely indicates discrimination, not surprising since we all know that NY cops are a bunch of bicycle hating, uneducated cretins from uncool parts of the city like Queens and the Bronx. We're just a bunch of victims (the model du jour: what better way to build cohesiveness in a group?).

Why not look at something more meaningful like rates of infractions and then see how we stack up? Compare the total number of citations issued to the actual number of violations per day or per vehicle mile. Are we still victims of an unfair city? I doubt it. I don't see a whole lot of trucks going the wrong way on a street or running lights. Bikes on the other hand.

Anonymous said...

Bike crime is up and this is the way we do it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abner_Louima

Nebraska Bike Commuter (non DWI edition) said...

Sorry, I had a pretty crazy day yesterday, and I forgot that I wanted to add this more detailed explanation of Oedipus to compliment Leroy 12:11.

http://youtu.be/A9BMcA8-4zo

I hope this is helpful.

mikeweb said...

All the blinking light haters here can suck it . Or suck a bag of them, your choice.

Have fun with your next left hook when night riding.

Will said...

Is the plural of summons really "summonses"? Sounds like Golemn wrote that piece.

kfg said...

"charge by plugging into a manual typewriter."

I pawned my Smith Corona. Bummer.

DerZoots said...

QUIZ ALREEDY!!!!!!!!

SHEEEEZE.

I has shit to do!

amateureconomist said...

Snob, I feel your whole helmetless thing. However, there is an issue, that is the costs borne by society when some helmetless douche gets in an accident. I might also remind you that accidents happen and sometimes they are pretty fault free, sometimes they are even GASP! the cyclists fault.

So here goes if you are helmetless, you are instantly an organ donor, no permission will be asked of your next of kin. Further the cost of any injuries that can be reasonably argued could have been prevented by a helmet will be borne by the cyclist, the insurance companies are not on the hook nor are the tax payers.

So if you put yourself in a preventable coma due to not wearing a helmet, your next of kin can go bankrupt or pull the plug and some deserving and hopefully more intelligent person can make use of your organs.

I hope it's all worth keeping your hair nice.

This doesn't even address the trauma of the person who hit you. They get to live with having seriously injured someone, who might not have been injured at all.

Thanks for your kind attention.

Dan said...

That picture of blood is disgusting!

DonnieDudeDarnit said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
OMR said...

Lovely shoes ! It's perfect for the summer

http://www.xtraorbit.com/1366.html

Robert said...

Those are cool I guess, but I hope they don't catch on and the government starts forcing to stick them on their bikes.

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