Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Whirled Premiere: Cine-meh-tic Masterpiece

[I still seem to be having line spacing issues--sorry!]

Last month, when I announced the upcoming publication of my second book, "The Enlightened Cyclist," I received a deluge of questions. ("Deluge" is a nautical term for "shitload.") Here are just some of those questions:

--"What's it about?"
--"Wait, second book? You mean you wrote a first one?"
--"Who cares?"

Well, today it makes me extremely proud to officially debut this video (or what we used to call a "commercial") which should go a long way towards answering absolutely none of those questions:


As you can see, it's sort of a "day in the life" piece, and in case you're wondering, the answer is "Yes, I did do my own stunts"--except for the opening sequence, for which we rented a trained chicken. Also, you'll no doubt have been amused and delighted by the cameo from MC Spand-X, shown here in better days:

You may know him as the star of the hit videos "Performance," "Get Dirty," and "Le Velo," but to me he's just the guy who--along with his partner at + M Productions--made me lie in a bathtub full of Froot Loops and put me in touch with my inner chicken.

In any case, thanks for watching, thanks also to + M Productions, and most of all thanks to the Almighty Lobster on High who makes all things possible. Hopefully this video will be my stepping stone to a lucrative career as a disembodied hand model:

(via a reader)

Evidently authorities have yet to apprehend the Trailside Groper:


Incidentally, you can tell this is a top-tier disembodied hand model because she's clearly received extensive training in shadow puppetry:

The best hand models can turn even a quick eBay baggy-short tuchus grab into art.

Moving on to much more serious matters, did you know that bike lanes are ruining America? It's true. They're the cracks in our nation's steely resolve, the ever-widening web that snarls our SUVs, the very arteries of our own destruction. They're a blight on children and old people. They're an affront to "G-d." Now, however, bike lanes have officially Gone Too Far, since they're finally threatening our nation's only remaining viable export--crappy movies:


Yes, a reader informs me that a margarita-hued bike lane on Los Angeles's most-filmed street is ruining the verisimilitude of "Anytown, USA:"

Except that it apparently does. That mile and a half of Spring Street turns out to be the most filmed stretch of street in town. Or rather, it was until about last November, when the green lane spoiled the shots that made Spring the perfect stand-in for Anytown, USA. It was the perfect street for car commercials, the perfect backdrop of stolid bank buildings, the perfect mix of marble columns and Art Deco spandrels, the perfect modern or 1920s downtown — until the wide green stripe appeared.

"So what's the problem?," you may be asking. Well, this is Anytown, USA, not some other godless "Anytown" like Anytown, Holland, or Anytown, North Korea. We don't have bike lanes in Anytown, USA--we have ample parking, giant banks, and chain stores that have killed our downtowns like so much Weed-B-Gon. You can't expect people to watch quasi-inspirational auto industry propaganda only to be subject to the stomach-turning sight of a bike lane. I mean, what's next, a Ford F-150 commercial with a gay couple getting married in the pickup bed?

Speaking of losing your way, are you unable to ride three blocks without getting lost? Do you panic when you don't have access to crucial information like how slowly you're going or what your fellow cyclists are currently Tweeting about? Do you need to read it all on a screen the size of your face? If so, you might want to put your iPad in a plastic bag and strap it to your handlebars like this guy did:

(Via yet another reader.)

I especially like that he went through all this trouble yet still kept his quaint old-timey computer on there:

I guess it's like when you go to a store where they ring you up electronically but keep an old-fashioned mechanical cash register on the counter just for show. I should actually start keeping an old typewriter on my desk next to my computer while I blog for exactly the same reason:

Yes, that's me, and the above photo was taken mere moments before I posted the following image:

(Larry King "weighs his options" post-retirement.)

Now you're all caught up and reading live in real time.

In any case, it seems like only yesterday when I mentioned Ivy League graduates and their abiding fear of plumbers--and that's because it was only yesterday. Well, if you're among the pathetic people who are petrified by plumbers, or confused by carpenters, or riled by roofers, then you might want to move to Portland, where even the contractors ride bikes:

Sure, he's not actually a plumber, but don't worry, Portland has a cycling plumber too:
Even a Bard graduate could muster up the courage to talk to that guy.

Given Portland and its love for bicycling businesspeople, one wonders ("one wonders" is pretentious for "I wonder") if it's possible to dream up a bike-based business of which the people of Portland would not approve. I'd love to see some entrepreneur really push the limits of Portland's cognitive dissonance--like maybe a cycling automotive repair service, or a cycling military recruiter, or a cycling Christian evangelist who operates a combination KFC/Taco Bell on wheels. There's nothing quite as precious as the pained look in a Portlander's face when their love of bikes rubs up against their distaste for anything non-artisanal and politically incorrect, so to me watching someone deliberate as a bicycling instant coffee vendor both tempts and repulses them with a plastic cup full of Folgers would be nothing short of sublime.

All you need is a Surly Big Dummy and a Costco membership, and you could be the Portland-baitingest business in Stumptown.

172 comments:

Anonymous said...

Again!

Anonymous said...

and 2nd weed!!

Anonymous said...

bike-mounted bong? Why have I never seen such a thing?

Jasper said...

Early doors!

le Correcteur said...

Missed the podium; unread; it had better be good, Snob!

Anonymous said...

Wednesday weed!

Anonymous said...

top ten again

Anonymous said...

top ten again after viewing the movie!

Anonymous said...

Finnally, you´ve got your own video!! yo do now officially exist.

And at 0:42, you really look like Tom Hanks..

McFly said...

top ten

Quilled and Lugged said...

Sorry, which one is you?

Anonymous said...

Tuchus! Tuchus! Tuchus!

Chris said...

Wow that short video makes me not want to wipe my dogs pudding hole with your book. Good job

Anonymous said...

Tuchus! Pudding hole! Both good!

Anonymous said...

the morning ride proveth fruitful

Anonymous said...

taint




balls™

Reggie said...

Boston's version of Portlanding (compost by bike!). Check this out:
http://bostinno.com/2012/01/29/bootstrap-compost-this-guy-makes-a-living-biking-around-the-city-picking-up-your-biodegradable-trash/

Anonymous said...

Please bring your bicycle book talking show to Los Angeles, California. It's all Fred's and Fixies here.

mikeweb said...

Good to see Larry K. back where he belongs.

McFly said...

BS,
Did you not use a book double? Something like Ten Points or Sex, lie's and Handlebar Tape?

mikeweb said...

Also seems now that we are firmly in the WCRM PDS* era.



*Post Double Space.

crosspalms said...

That godzilla was terrifying. Maybe she has a future in Portland as a bike-riding hiccup disruptor. Ride up to hiccupping victim, turn into giant scary lizard woman, rid victim of hiccups through fright.

Anonymous said...

Re Video

Music credit?

crosspalms said...

Her web site can be BetterThanBoo.com.

Oh, and nice job on the video. Now I want some cereal.

Gaffer Smythe said...

So professional it's scary. At least one of the cast is on ImDB.

OBA said...

Nice "edit"

mikeweb said...

Almost on point caption for the iPad mount:

Safe, snug and probably a little dorky.

Leave out the 'probably' and switch 'stupid' for 'dorky' and you got it.

Anonymous said...

Keep it up, Snob, and Portland's gonna go all glitterbomb on your ass.

Keith Earickson said...

If adding a bicycle to "that thing you do but can't make a living at" leads to a "viable" business then why hasn't adding a bicycle to my slovenly unemployment merited me a "thing I can do that I can't make a living at," of my own?

Poppadaddio said...

Do you have to start as an apprentice before you can become a master Portland-bator?

theEel said...

WEdnEsDay.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Nice video.

leogodoy said...

Nice jacket, Mr. Weiss.

leogodoy said...

Nice jacket, Mr. Weiss.

jimbo said...

I skid-mark cycling plumbers!

Anonymous said...

Panties!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Killer chicken suit. I thought you were just making that bit up. Well done.

JB said...

Noobs. I read this blog back when it was consistently double-spaced.

Anonymous said...

Like the ad. Eben, you look exactly like my friend Darren.

Anonymous said...

1. where's your helment?
2. the beautiful godzilla chick is beautiful.
3. Steve Tilford has no need to write a book.

Anonymous said...

Tight edit but more hill bombing next time

Anonymous said...

love the video... the music track had a 'je ne sais quoi' essence to it.. rather hypnotic.

In fact I found myself in the men's room in my office without knowing how I got there. Chapeau

Mike in Dallas said...

Waiting to buy my copy until I see if you are coming to Dallas! If you are, then I'm buying my book at the place hosting you...

Anonymous said...

Space time.

mikeweb said...

The promo video has a marked absence of recumbent riders.



Thank Lob.

McFly said...

Crosspalms,
What else can that BG make go away?
Love, Chubby in Paris

bikesgonewild said...

...bgw film revue: the recent short film effort by bicycle cycling blogologist & book writering phenom eben wiess adds a new dimension to the concept of shilling...

...opening with the gentle humoristical slapstick of a buster keaton, mr wiess transports us through both the scorseseian mean streets of brooklyn & a cinematogrephal journey of the great directors of our times...

...there is the overall scope of a dw griffith, the dark tension of an ingmar bergman refined to an alfred hitchcockian drama...hints of a young sergei eisenstein filtered through the simplicity of a john ford...

...the influence of a sophisticated woody allenesque humor is felt as it evolves into a federico fellini-like street scene, all charged with the underlying tones of akira kurosowa & ending with joyful spielbergian whimsy...

...i give weiss 'two thumbs up' for a delightfulistic effort designed to draw we, his blog readers, back unto the printed page...

...just sayin'...

wishiwasmerckx said...

BSNYC, how in the world did you get Alex Trebek to do a cameo in your video? Impressive!

Oh, wait. Alex Trebby? Never mind.

Anonymous said...

Hookers on bikes!

The King of Park Slope said...

Is it me, or is your grammar getting worse?

Rhetorical question; it's obviously not me.

Anonymous said...

Gah, Snob, that jacket is terrible.

balls®

Anonymous said...

fresh video, although I didn't get the part with the two security guards guarding the double locked bike?

Anonymous said...

SHRK JUMP
SOUL DOUT
CASH RULZ

C.R.E.A.M.

crosspalms said...

anon 1:32
Maybe that was David Byrne's entourage guarding his bike. He doesn't have a car, you know, so that bike is his only means of getting around.

Anonymous said...

Gamera.

Not Godzilla.

BLOG DRAFTER said...

CRAPPY BATHROOM,
CHICKEN SUIT.
LAYIN DOWN,
THAT SNOB'S CUTE.

Anonymous said...

i especially like the part where you went from being nonplussed to plussed.

Cyclin' Missy said...

Cool commercial. Good luck with the new book!

ce said...

Verisimilitude

Anonymous said...

Ok, only one question on the new book. Will this one have a plot and/or theme besides your enrichment?

cycle

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
xyxax said...

Wow, who knew you were a thespian?

NTTAWWT.

McFly said...

BGW,
Your acronymn has officially been replaced with Beautiful Godzilla Winking

McFly said...

You had a good run.

leroy said...

f I had a nickel for every time I woke up in a bath tub in a chicken suit surrounded by fruit loops, I swear I'd have at least a $1.85 by now.

Anonymous said...

The chicken has an extra beefy bottom bracket, if you know what I am sayin'

Anonymous said...

I am offended by your constant mockery of Portland, but you're going too far when you mock the little guy like me, a hard working plumber employed by Turd Chasers, Inc.

Anonymous said...

Is the new book a slapdick comedy?

Anonymous said...

why are you wasting your time writing books when you could be on the big screen?

Buy-cycle said...

70. Weed?

Deleted comment said...

This author has been removed by the content.

Praise Lob said...

THANK GOD!

The Opionated Cyclist links showing up after your advertisement mad my day!

Praise Bob said...

God, Lob, Bob... whatever.
I think they all work for the same syndicate.

Jon Webb said...

Speaking of opposition to bike lanes, what about this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/04/us/activists-fight-green-projects-seeing-un-plot.html?_r=1&hp. Are they really a U.N. plot?

Jon Webb said...

Speaking of opposition to bike lanes, what about this: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/04/us/activists-fight-green-projects-seeing-un-plot.html?_r=1&hp. Are they really a U.N. plot?

PhilboydStunge said...

more chicken suit video or ima f***ing kill you.

J-Bird said...

Can't wait for the book, Snobby. But if you come to L.A., don't expect any bike lanes. We have to remove them all so they don't ruin our Prius commercials.

misster-PISSTA said...

re.bike lanes
seperate is not equal

think about the water fountains for colored people in the days of the past....

Grant Penisson said...

No fancy videos here. At Rivendell, we sell you everything with good old fashioned text and anecdotal propeganda. And lugs.

Anonymous said...

thanks crosspalms that makes sense. went right over my head. anon 1:32

Anonymous said...

good video wildcat, although it would have been amazing if you could have worked in a cameo by rucumbabe. When can we expect your boozook to drozop?

Anonymous said...

nice khakis wildcat slacks machine,

how long did it take your mom to pick out that outfit for you? not the chicken suit.

Anonymous said...

that's ridiculous, who would play tennis in their bathtub?!

Conrad said...

Is there a bicycle piano mover in Portland yet?

Conrad said...

How about a bicycle piano mover.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

Loved the DP scene!!

Ben Levy said...

That commercial was great. When you stumped your toe;funny(I feel your pain). And the images of the people on the street. I didn't get it till I saw the beautiful Godzilla salmoning upstream. Then it all clicked. My eyes were then glued watching for the naked Asian woman on the recumbent (She must be in your third book).

bikesgonewild said...

...mcfly...suck a dick...

Huey Neutron said...

misster pissta, I remember those days...all the bleached people too.

therattler said...

BTW, J-Ax was pretty Fly for a White guy.

therattler said...

BTW, J-Ax was pretty Fly for a White guy.

BikeTode said...

Is that the Scattante getting a little video love? And is that an actual copy of the new book flying around or just the old one with the new dust jacket promo on it?

Can't wait for my copy anyway.

Yes, I'm Lincoln's newest bicycle-nursing-home-kitchen-supervisor (and I even have a Scattante...)

"Gamera is really neat; he is filled with turtle meat!"

Anonymous said...

I'm a contractor in the northeast and I have to say there is no fucking way you can serve your clients by bike.
Unless you have them go to your garage every morning to pick up the necessary tools.
Then go to your suppliers and pick up the necessary materials.
Then go to the unemployment line and pick up the necessary dole.

ken e. said...

94th!

loved the promotional material and the tunes!

grog said...

Bordering on Babe Abuse.

Test Tickle said...

The single spacing of late is really messing up me eyeballs. Please, make it go away....


balls (OG)

Charlie Didrickson said...

Dandy trailer, you enlightenedbikeblogging wussy.

OMG!

Delia Sweeney said...

And this OCD asshole was like,"YOU'RE RIDING THE WRONG DAMN DIRECTION!" and I was like, "Ohhhhhhhhhh myyyyyyyy Goddddd" and then there was like this book flying through the air. Fucking trippy, I know right? I was so freaked out I almost forgot to hoodwink the two squares in CIA regalia. Almost.

Anonymous said...

awkward video
your prose is better online
on paper, just meh

JB said...

"How's he know where we're going?"

Comment deleted said...

Conrad,

While I wouldn't bet against "bicycle pianos" already being a thing in Portland, I doubt there are enough of them to justify a dedicated moving business.

Anonymous said...

Yea MC Spandex! I thought that was him and I was right. I am so awesome!

Doug said...

Great video. Now that you're unmasked, will you be pulling a Robert Crumb on us, and moving to France, or, better yet, Copenhagen?

@ anon 1:26 said...

An old girlfriend of mine started working in the Sex Industry (which is what we call prostitution in California), and I still ride with her.

I'll suggest she draw up a business plan.

Anonymous said...

Bong talk on weednesday.
YOu knOw what that means.

Already there.

Attorney said...

Hahahahaha! You're hilarious - truly the epitome of New York sarcasm.
- New York Attorney

Anonymous said...

that last bit was really funny. styrofoam cup of folgers... lol.

Anonymous said...

Until about 20 secs into the video, I thought it was a Jon Dore skit.

Only then did I realize that the man in the chicken suit was the face of Evil itself.

McFly said...

That Magna is pretty tight. What's that color? Care Bear Blue? Are you free to now sell it on the cheap and write it off as production overhead? Shoot me a price.

Artisanal Pain said...

Too fucking hilarious!!!

Merci Beaucoupe deville

Anonymous said...

YOT yesterday? MC Spandex and a music video today? Is this snob's MTV VJ dream come true? Make it stop, make it stop...

Anonymous said...

In regards to Hoodwinking in Portland and Tuliping in Amsterdam, Tokyo also has a version referred to as No-Pan Kissa. You don't have to buy the mirror watch as the mirrors are tiles on the floor.

Anonymous said...

@BGW
Did you ask McFly to blow you?

Anonymous said...

McFly report back to Cobra Command Center.

Sarah said...

You post is a joy to read; witty and refreshing. Also, I am now coveting your desk- Genius!

Anonymous said...

Bonjour Delia Sweeney!
Vous êtes très jolie!

Semantic Sam said...

The meaning of words depend on how they're worded.

Anonymous said...

check out that law firms links way low in the comments. via the magic of google earth you can see that there really is a WWII plane and a runway on the roof.

out of towners like me are impressed

Anonymous said...

We like our story.

Alan S (Helment Fascist) said...

Where's yer damn Helment?

Anonymous said...

i wanna know what kind of gloves snob is wearing they look warm

Anonymous said...

Bummer that the Kona Ute now has a patina of a turd wrestling tampon snaker.

Anonymous said...

It takes an Aussie to notice that the "cameo by MC Spand-X" features the Australian national jersey. Bring on the UCI track championships!!

Nice video.

-secret aussie admirer

Emily said...

Do best, no regret. I concern on gucci outlet because I love gucci bags very much.

bikesgonewild said...

...@ emily...'this' is a cycling site but nonetheless, let me ask you a question...

...have you heard the expression "...stick it where the sun don't shine" ???...

...i'm going to respectfully suggest that that is where you should put your gucci bags rather than trying to sell 'em on this particular cycling site...

...just a thought, emily...

Anonymous said...

Oh so that's what you look like. I read the blog first and then went back to view the book drop video. I was to busy watching Ru Paul's drag race. This is how i train for my time trail wait until i only have two weeks to train then waste it on watching t.v. and reading bike blogs rather than sleeping.

McFly said...

Emily,
Don't mind that west coast crumudgeon. We also pedal our goods.

UrbanRidingTips said...

Sweet video, right up til you got out of the bath. You're no Heath Ledger, snobbie, old pal.
PS I'm digging the new compact format, makes it seem quicker to read. kudos.

Anonymous said...

Bikes gone wild
Thanks "girl on a wicked weekend with a few fellow gals with a few undesirable guys gone wild" for getting cranky pants and getting you back on meds.

Good thing we found you you when we did.

Anonymous said...

Holy shit BGW?

Major tool...take a few extra to get yourself in check.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon whenevers...suck a dick...

Anonymous said...

Holy smokes fellows...take it easy on the BGW.
He has a lot to to tell if you want to listen.
Come on BGW...tell a few stories of grass roots mountain biking and San Fran cockling.

Anonymous said...

Dear Emily, less about Gucci bags and more about the roots of the myth of the alleged sexual prowess of Asian women, if you please...

Louis CK said...

Suck a bag of dicks...

Anonymous said...

How does one suck a bag of dicks?
Bag or dick?

Also never heard a gal say eat my camel toe bitch!

Me So Horny said...

Dear Emily,
I am glad to see you broke out the Good China.

Crazy D. said...

I knew an Emily:

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/pinkfloyd/seeemilyplay.html

Charlie Didrickson said...

Come on people..."Emily" is not real.

HaHa

Anonymous said...

In Oakland there was the bike-riding phone guy who would install a new line (back when people used non-mobile telephones) way cheaper than PacBell. But he refused to ride up into the hills (i.e. half of Oakland).

leroy said...

Wait, Emily isn't real?

Then how come my dog borrowed my credit card to buy Gucci team collars for him and his riding buddies?

DerZoots said...

@ Anon 10:45PM

Holy shit!
Runway 77.
No kidding.
That NYC.
Crazy place.
Olde Tyme airplanes on roofs.

Googlearth teh bezt!

Anonymous said...

PORT LAND
PLUM BERS

#1 in the #2 biznasz

yogisurf said...

Get your hands off my recumbabe, you damn filthly ape.

petrus said...

Sry, I would've been first, but got knocked off my Surly by a homogayful couple who hated Folgers. At least the Hospital bill is discounted because it's being shut down cuz they won't dispense counter-conception chemicals.

qwadro_fx said...

interactive website designForum Link Building scam

Angie Kritenbrink said...

Interesting commercial. I somewhat enjoyed your last book, but it was marred for me by the total sexism on display in the archetypal woman on the cell phone with flowers flowing out of her hair and shit, and I see you have carried the same unoriginal sexism forward into this commercial. (perhaps drawing on your previous content for inspiration). Really. I do read your blog every day (rather, I read every day's blog like 15 at time twice a month which is why my comment is so late), but you could do better. Women can be all the different types of asshole archetypes in your book, not just that one.

Robert said...

That trailers alright.

Jason said...

Nice tablet and gps holder for bikes!
Jason-ejaculationtrainer101.org

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Johney smith said...

Your acronymn has officially been replaced with Beautiful Godzilla Winking.
Roof Repair Towson MD