Monday, August 8, 2011

On the Wings of Love: Deconstructing the Pigeon

Okay, here's the pitch: we open on the interior of a typical English pub. Inside, the patrons are drinking pints, playing darts, tending to flocks of sheep, or whatever it is drunken English people do in pubs. (We'll hire some kind of England consultant.) Suddenly, this pleasant scene is shattered when three men kick down the door. Boom! [Cue aggro soundtrack.] They're armed with mountain bike forks as well as a stick of some kind, and the leader bellows,"Oy! Vey! Throw some shrimp on the barbie doll mates and put the [insert local currency] in the sack!" (Again, we're going to need that England consultant.) Oh yeah, this gripping story is based on real-life events, and we've got Guy Ritchie attached to direct:

Of course, the above story (forwarded to me by a reader) raises more questions than it answers, chief among them being:

--Rigid mountain bike forks, or suspension?
--If rigid, were they steel or crabon?
--If suspension, how much travel, and were they standard or thru-axle models for enhanced lateral rigidity?
--So what's up with the one guy who had a small branch instead of a fork? Did he have a fork on order from his LBS but it wasn't ready in time, so he found a branch that kind of looked like a fork? And if so, did he put RockShox stickers on it?
--Most importantly, did any of the assailants look like this guy? Cause they may have just been testing a new Niner crabon fork:



Either way, this unfortunate incident should serve to sully the image of the mountain biker even more than it was already sullied, which was already a lot.

Oh, also in the Guy Ritchie movie, there will be a sexy femme fatale who rides a mixte and wears a skirt garter/clip, forwarded to me by another reader:


I'd expect this to appeal to disciples of the "Slow Bike Movement," though oddly it's being pitched to those who perform "track stands and fixie skids:"

Repeat after me. “Spandex is not a fashion statement.”
Repeat after me. “I can look sexy on my bike.”
Repeat after me. “Spandex is NOT a fashion statement.”

For those who agree, you don’t have to give up style when you ride your bike. Keep the earth happy, earn your hipster street cred doing track stands and fixie skids, and do it all looking good in a skirt.

I guess the whole snug girl pants craze of the mid-aughts must have now given way to the micro-mini. If this is indeed the case, I wonder what the women are wearing.

Speaking of the "Slow Bike Movement," manufacturers of heavy, clunky bicycles are now realizing that there's a new demographic for their wares--provided of course they can update their images and create suitably pretentious marketing campaigns for them. Indeed, what we're witnessing right now is a cultural phenomenon I refer to as the "Upscalification of Everything," and whether it's an extension cord or a Flying Pigeon bicycle, there's simply no product that's too mundane, utilitarian, or ubiquitous to rarefy:

The Flying Pigeon Bicycle from yulu canada on Vimeo.

The above video was forwarded to me by yet another reader, and I must say it tickles the undercarriage of art in the way that few promotional videos do. Our protagonist is a bespectacled and fashionably disheveled fellow with one of those haircuts that doesn't look like a haircut and who almost certainly owns a lute, mandolin, or other "alternative" fretted instrument:

And our love interest is a pixiesh sort who doubtless used to cut herself intentionally as a teenager and who even today has no fewer than three (3) Gustav Klimt posters hanging in her apartment:

Both of these characters are accompanied by the sort of spectral, tinkling piano soundtrack you might hear over the credits of a really lavish and boring period film, and by the end of this video it will have driven you crazy.

Of course, Flying Pigeon is a Chinese bicycle company, so to evoke the brand's authenticity the filmmaker shows us some (I assume) Chinese people having an (I assume) authentic Chinese fan party:

The protagonist looks on with...what? Interest? Bemusement? Indifference? Is he even looking at them at all? His disconcerting expression belies nothing:

But then, the corner of his mouth turns up ever so slightly--almost imperceptibly--in what I can only assume is silent appreciation:

But this makes sense, for when you've got a Chinese bicycle, an MFA, and no job you spend your days communing with your bicycle by riding around town and appreciating Chinese things. Indeed, after watching the fan party he continues to appreciate Chinese things by watching a guy cut meat that will eventually become Chinese food:

Soon, though, he meets the pixieish woman. His libido awakens, and he is transformed from Unflappable Hilpster to Smitten Hilpster:

She too is stirred, and is transformed from a sullen woman who has her three friends over every year on the date of Ian Curtis's death into a Coquettish Hilpstress:

At which point the Metaphorical Pigeons of Love take wing and soar:

And the Smitten Hilpster takes a nap, because this is the most work he's done in months:

Notice, however, that his right hand is dangerously close to his waist, and while in a dreamlike state he begins fondling a filthy pigeon feather:

This, I should not have to tell you, is a subtle metaphor for "foffing off."

Once he's done "fondling his feather," he puts pen to paper and poses an analog "Missed Connection" in his analog iPad:

It's abundantly clear by now that our Smitten Hilpster has the soul of a poet, so here is what he writes:

Sure, the filmmaker doesn't actually show this, but because he is a master of subtlety he really doesn't have to.

Meanwhile, our Coquettish Hilpstress visits a garden, and you don't have to have gone to film school or majored in symbolism to know immediately that this portal is a giant vagina:

In entering the giant vagina, our Coquettish Hilpstress is effectively wandering into the lush garden of femininity and exploring her own sexuality, sensuality, and desire:

In other words, she too is "foffing off."

Next we see a gratuitous out-of-saddle shot that simultaneously evokes spirited humping while also letting you know that the Flying Pigeon is laterally stiff and vertically compliant enough for occasional Cat 6 racing:


Finally, the dénouement arrives, and the filmmaker executes the master stroke that sets him apart as a true cinematic genius. First, we see the Flying Pigeon downtube, positioned somewhat phallically:

Then the Coquettish Hilpstress appears, and stands in such a manner that the phallic Flying Pigeon downtube points right to to her vagina garden:

In other words, they're finally "doing it," and the message is clear: Flying Pigeon will get you lain.

Sure, it's all a bit precious, but it's a lot more artful than this, which is what I would have come up with:

That's just depressing, even if the pigeon does eventually wind up in a diaper.

134 comments:

PawnShop said...

Woo Hoo!

PawnShop said...

Woo Hoo Too!

PawnShop said...

Sweep?

theEel said...

podium!?

Anonymous said...

The stick was a bamboo fork for added criminal smugness.

Chazu said...

Dayum

Anonymous said...

Ladies!

Anonymous said...

chazzzy...

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten!

Dan O said...

Top 10 !!

garden lover said...

I read it.

i wanna visit the vagina garden

Hungry panda said...

Pigeons, yum, yum.

Bamboo better.

Anonymous said...

Probably the guy with the stick will get a less severe sentence.

Kris Hicks-Green said...

That hipster looks suspiciously like Grant Peterson.

"Stroke feather to enbiggen".

Anonymous said...

just outside the top ten. Oh well, read the damn thing for once...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

No Comment.

Anonymous said...

Flying Pigeon bicycles are the world's best selling bicycles. The makers of Flying Pigeon bicycles are the largest holders of American Bicycle Company debt.

Anonymous said...

The Flying Pigeon Bicycle video was filmed in Portland.

hillbilly said...

hallo luv

Anonymous Coward said...

Are molester mustaches the new thing for hipsters?

Oh and Snob, if ever you seek a side gig, and if they ever accept film work, your insightful film commentary would fit nicely at MOBA.

Stupid Name said...

http://www.meetup.com/Manchester-Mountain-Bikers/

Just trying to keep the dues increase down, a little fundraising the Manchester way.

I am not a bird engine said...

Even a flying Pidgeon, would not help that guy get layed.

Amy said...

My Eyes!

OH! said...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=flying+pigeon

Anonymous said...

Replace mountain bike forks by electric guitars and Manchester accents by Brummie accents and you get the Hell Bent For Leather videoclip.

Hell-Bent Hell-Bent-Fo-Leadaaa...

Trail_Turkey said...

Holy crap: I think the person in the green dress is Andy Schleck

Anonymous said...

Or better yet, the Breaking the Law videoclip.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Croll 2 said...

More Hilpster Humping or Ima kill you

Anonymous said...

And our love interest is a pixiesh sort who doubtless used to cut herself intentionally as a teenager and who even today has no fewer than three (3) Gustav Klimt posters hanging in her apartment...

classic, snobby, classic.

Anonymous said...

Halal pigeon

ken e. said...

damn filthy hipsters! that's sun yat sen gardens, is nothing sacred? someone hit those people over the head with a (big) fork!

Piskian said...

God,these comments are anodyne.
Re:feathering,the 1950s Swiss track star Oscar Plattner possessed such an endowment that"in the right circumstances he could accommodate seven budgerigars,provided the last stood on one leg".

JNEB said...

TRON IS REAL

http://surg2011.tumblr.com/

Anonymous said...

Oh no, anything but Guy Ritchie. He's an utter fud and his films are all the same.

hey nonny mouse

Etherhuffer said...

Vagina Garden? So THAT'S what Vegan means! VeeGina! And here I thought it was about food.

Paul Prudhomme said...

Squab for dinner in the V-gina garden?

I Go Around and Around said...

The Hasidic girls ride in Central Park during the odd holidays in which cycling is permitted use a laundry pin to keep their modesty immobile.

As for the New York population of Beautiful Gorillas, the opportunity to flash the world (and taxis) a shot of their La Perla undies is why they got on a bike in the first damn place. And I for one welcome their breezy attitude.

And the weather in Central Park today - hot and humid with reduced oxygen & higher than normal particulate matter due to ecstatic tree removal.

I Go Around and Around said...

What? Oh, right.

Beautiful Godzillas that should be, though I think I like Gorilla better.

leroy said...

All pigeon cinematography is a pale homage to the genius of the director simply known as "Bert" whose definitive work in this genre is timeless.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAdqxYQC6fU

Jasper said...

"The Flying Pigeon Bicycle video was filmed in Portland". Why am I not in the least surprised to read that sentence?
Snob, thank you for filling your paragraphs with video commentary so we don't have to watch the damned things. Will you do the same for the Guy Ritchie flick of the skinny Mancs when it comes out? Unless the love interest is played by Sienna Miller, in which case I might have to watch it. And Hey Nonny Mouse, he is a fud. BUt I have to ask, after your TR7 and Magazine references last week, you are not my cousin George, are you?

Paul Bowen said...

Gaw bloimey gavnaaah, oim yer feller fer the Ingerland cawn-sultansee. Ahz abaht it me owd china pl...actually I'll stop now; if the wind changes I'll be typing like Dick van Dyke forever.

crosspalms said...

The Hilpster has no PBR in his basket. Something about this is off.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that's Vancouver not Portland.

Same difference though.

Chazu said...

"Upscalification of Everything" is a misnomer. It should read "Upscalification of Everything, Except: Stocks, Jobs, Housing Values, Currencies, and as a result, our collective quality of life."

Hyper Inflation? Or Compressive Deflation? Discuss.

PawnShop said...

46th
Woo Hoo Hoo annihilation, bitches!!!

PGAtkinson said...

Is that a Livestrong garter?

Anonymous said...

Bravo. Bravo.

Fred's dead baby, Fred's dead... said...

Can you believe that even though it's summer here (kind of), it's winter in Australia?

It's COLD, Snobby, COLD!!!

Anonymous said...

Jane Jacobs' son (Ned?) imported a bunch of Flying Pigeons to Toronto in early 70s, where they immediately touched off a Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution that culminated in the Slow Bike Movement we know today.

PhilboydStunge said...

That fellow in the green dress and livestrong band looks pretty good, just not as good as your assistant from the dutch bike test. How about bringing her back?

The American Bamboo Society said...

WHY.
NO.
BAMBOO?

Alternative fretted instrument said...

classic!

GhostOfTyrone said...

Burberry makes forks now?

Anonymous said...

That flying pigeon bike is apparently complete junk and a deathtrap.

Tommy said...

It's Vancouver, at one point he's clearly shown riding over the Dunsmuir viaduct and I'm fairly certain the garden is the UBC Japanese Garden (which is *not* Chinese, but you know, Japan and China have always been like best friends). I can also attest to having seen exactly zero Flying Pigeons here, but I'll be sure to be on the lookout. Also, where's her ticket for riding on the sidewalk?

Anonymous said...

"She too is stirred, and is transformed from a sullen woman who has her three friends over every year on the date of Ian Curtis's death into a Coquettish Hilpstress:"

Funniest fucking thing I will read all week
thx

David Henderson said...

Sure those bike garter/clips are sexy, and it fixes the problem of a girl's skirt from flying up, but it can never fix THIS!

David Henderson said...

Belay my last. Actually a SKIRT plus a garter/clip COULD prevent this.

Anonymous said...

I spent 2 weeks in China in 1994. Single speed Flying Pigeons with rod-pull brakes and fenders were for sale in lots of stores for about $50. The quality looked terrible and they were assembled to a standard that would do proud any Walmart, K Mart, Toys R US or other big box store that we have here in Canada's bike garter. I briefly thought about bringing one home - and quickly decided to pass.

Anonymous said...

Please clamp the steerer of that Niner carbon fork in a 5 inch vise. Mount a disk brake caliper on the fork leg and wail on the caliper with the hammer. Then do the same thing with the steel fork. Show me the results of both.

Anonymous said...

Giant vagina!!
Panties!

Anonymous said...

"Wildcat Meme Machine,"

Hilpster
Woo hoo hoo hoo!
Helment
Crabon
TTTSWRFPTD
etc.

When I was a boy, we didn't have things like blogger and twitter to generate a viral meme. We had to do it the old fashioned way--we earned it!

a no name mouse

FLYN PDGN

Anonymous said...

Twee!

dcee604 said...

That's Vancouver, BC.
And it's not UBC Japanese Garden, but the Dr. Sun Yat Sen garden in Chinatown.

Off to my fan party.

Gator joe said...

Snob,

You're like the Siskel & Ebert of bike films...a regular Fellini.
Are you not sure the protagonist's look is not one of...dum-du-dum...nonplussed-ness?

I am a laptopless engine said...

I finally got around to watching last weeks strange addiction (bicycle version). I dont see what the problem is other than he spends way to much time in a small office, and on a laptop. I try to ride my bike without a laptop on it. Is that wrong?

Anonymous said...

Why, even with the internets, does Canada always catch on to these trends several years too late?

Will Handsfield said...

Great post, I needed that start to the week. As one in possession of a film production degree from a liberal arts college, I think you nailed it.

A+

Bob Kidd said...

the name is quite good...Flying Pigeon...

Anonymous said...

Flying pigeons, chinese food and vagina gardens,,,i think i'm confused???

ashcroftchops said...

Dont mess with the manchester boys pal, or i'll smash yer face in with this double barrelled spring loaded state of the art suspension unit that i've just nicked off a salford wide boy. Give us yer bike or you're dead pal!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Coincidence? I'm in a dive bar in da Bronx and I'm awfully tempted to play some Joy Division.

Dive bar?
I'm the youngest in here-- 48.

kfg said...

"has no fewer than three (3) Gustav Klimt posters hanging in her apartment"

Beware of women who have Elfen Lied fantasies. If she majored in sociology, run for your fucking life.

Don't ask me how I know, but let's just say that I was a primary participant in one of the more notorious events to happen at Bard.

solarpos said...

*UPDATE*
Hilpsters are now quaffing 'Mickey's Big Mouth's. One hand on the green bottle and one on the Flying Pigeon.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful Gorillas!

Kyle said...

great post, snob

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Wow, that hilpster has an impressive downtube.

... said...

snob for presidänt!

... said...

they sell them fp's in germany under sinovelo for example...beware my german friends!

Anonymous said...

Hah! Need to make a video for the cycle of the masses (from my childhood): http://www.herocycles.com/royal2.htm

And sell it at a ridiculous premium.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Yeah, played TRANSMISSION; some Monk, Miles (Coltrane) and FLOCK OF SEAGULLS leading out.

Perry said...

We're low, we're slow...do not fuck with us.

Anonymous said...

this video was filmed in portland for that extra touch of authenticity. the giant vagina portal is the entrance to the portland chinese garden.

Anonymous said...

this video was filmed in portland for that extra touch of authenticity. the giant vagina portal is the entrance to the portland chinese garden.

Marcel Da Chump said...

Coincidence? Last week a buddy and I took the Staten Island ferry to play golf at SILVER LAKE G.C and met a vacationing couple from Manchester. Dug their accents.

Charlie Didrickson said...

Holy Shit

Grump said...

I'm going to have to remember that skirt clip thingy, next time I ride my bike to the Highland Games.

doofus said...

snoby you have been on a serious roll all summer. thanks for the read

bikesgonewild said...

...after careful consideration, leroy, having watched 'bert's pigeon dance' at least 20 to 30 times, i'll suggest that beyond the obvious influence of the 'columbidae' itself, i detect joyful traces of gene kelly, a hint of the sophistication of fred astaire, the forceful seriousness of rudolf nureyev, the creativity of martha graham, the smooth elegance of margot fonteyn with just a soupçon of the joie de vive of isadora duncan...

...other than that, it's all burt...

mander said...

outstanding post Wildcat

hipster luv said...

NONP LUSD

wp

sri i cant stop laffin said...

Holy crap: I think the person in the green dress is Andy Schleck

bwah!

ken e. said...


Nitobe Japanese Garden at the University of British Columbia


Dr. Sun Yat Sen Garden, in Vancouver's Chinatown.

Featured is the rapidly gentrified downtown eastside/chinatown. it could be your city... but like the man said "604".

upvoting marcel's comment, get joy division and thickly accented british irony now. hey nonny mouse!

Anonymous said...

according to the company website:
"The Flying Pigeon isn’t a bicycle. It is an icon."

"Icon" of course is Fujianese for "a rat with wings."

NO no no no no! said...

That video was shot in Turpentine with the best intentions but all the links siezed up and so is useless. O well better take better car of that drive train next time!

Atlas Goldline Super Special Export Quality said...

I'm currently riding the Indian version of the FP in Muscat Oman, and can attest, every single part that rotates is crap, every screw is crap, the 28in tyres are crap, it weights about 20kg, bought it brand new for 35 Rial, (about 80US Peso's) and after 6 months, I love it, ride it along the sand on the beach, up gutters etc. You need one of these trusty steeds in the stable just to remind you how good the crabon one is.

Anonymous said...

I wasn't George the last time I checked..... Change the description, it appears that we're now a nation of shoplifters.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

I'm still sleeping bedless. When does the madness end?

Anonymous said...

If you walk up the street (Everett St.) from the PDX Chinese gardens go to the renal bike and you will find the most gorgeous man in the world.

Eclectic Cyclist NZ said...

Ahhhh.. Snobby. You did it again! I liked that video when I first saw it.
Your expose has helped me reach a higher plane of understanding.
Like the way the rider leans so far forward in a 'wanting' manner when out of the saddle. Keep it up! Cheers.

ktrueman said...

FRYN PDGN

Anonymous said...

"I guess the whole snug girl pants craze of the mid-aughts must have now given way to the micro-mini. If this is indeed the case, I wonder what the women are wearing." Zing!
Hilarious post today. Thanks for so consistently making my day (or at least the guffawing from making fun of hipsters part of my day).

ce said...

Very funny Snob

Pidgin English said...

I'd buy a used Raleigh Rudge Humber Phillips Lenton Hercules Sports Model over Flying Pigeon.
The extra money can be used to upgrade parts.

Anonymous said...

wow that skirt-garter girl has some nice legs

Anonymous said...

Muy chingón!

Anonymous said...

Sooooo apparently the bike is just an accessory for the girl? She's just walking the bike most of the time and ever-so-briefly rides...on the sidewalk (!). Good to see FP taking female ridership seriously in their advertising. (*rolls eyes*)

Anonymous said...

I will be your frequent visitor, that's for sure. pain relief Read a useful article about tramadol tramadol

Fixie Bikes said...

Hey my friend has that dress!

Anonymous said...

diazepam 10mg wikipedia diazepam withdrawal - snorting diazepam valium

Anonymous said...

ativan price ativan high blood sugar - lorazepam 1 mg and xanax

Anonymous said...

ambien order buy ambien online usa - reviews of ambien cr

Anonymous said...

xanax online pharmacy methadone and xanax overdose symptoms - buy xanax online cheap mastercard

Anonymous said...

is lorazepam stronger than diazepam buy roche diazepam online - diazepam side effects grapefruit

Anonymous said...

zolpidem online zolpidem er 12.5 mg side effects - ambien side effects driving

Anonymous said...

buy generic ativan how much ativan and alcohol will kill you - what is ativan high like

Anonymous said...

buy xanax online cheap no prescription generic pills for xanax - what's the xanax high like

Anonymous said...

can you buy xanax online legally xanax 1mg cost - 2mg xanax enough

Anonymous said...

ativan sale where to buy ativan online - ativan 64

Anonymous said...

diazepam 10 mg diazepam ratiopharm online kaufen - diazepam urine detection

Anonymous said...

ativan for sale possible overdose ativan - ativan dosage for flying

Anonymous said...

cheap diazepam lethal dose of valium for dogs - diazepam 2 mg dzialanie

Anonymous said...

ambien buy drug interactions ambien nyquil - buy ambien prescription

Anonymous said...

ambien for sale ambien cr generic same - purchase ambien in canada

Anonymous said...

ambien without a rx side effects of generic ambien cr - ambien vs xanax high

Anonymous said...

valium online canada valium sublingual - valium side effects erectile

Anonymous said...

buy valium india valium online overnight - valium pills reviews

Anonymous said...

ambien order ambien side effects - crazy ambien stories

Anonymous said...

buy valium online buy valium 10mg uk - buy msj valium online

Anonymous said...

buy generic valium valium costume - valium 10mg para que serve

Anonymous said...

buy valium online street value valium 10mg - buy diazepam generic valium

Anonymous said...

valium drug buy valium online mexico - buy cheap valium no prescription

Anonymous said...

Thаt iѕ a vеry good tip especiаllу to those nеw to the blogosphere.
Ѕimple but very аccurate іnfo… Appгeciate youг shаring thіs
one. Α must read article!

Lоok at my site Payday Loans Online Same Day
Feel free to surf my web blog Pay Day Loans