Friday, August 5, 2011

BSNYC Friday Second Helping of Meat Loaf!

Last the other day, I was at a bar in Manhattan. A bar is an establishment that serves alcoholic beverages--and, if you know the secret word, Fruity Pebbles, which is what I was enjoying. At the table next to me was a group of people whom I would characterize as "duders." You know the type: polo shirts, haircuts, open-handed pointing... At one point I even poked my head outside to see if they were filming a Michelob Ultra commercial down the street, because it would not have surprised me to learn that they were starring in one.

Anyway, I couldn't help overhearing their conversation (that sort of thing tends to happen when you're eavesdropping on people), and I noticed they were talking about Portland.

"Duder, have you ever been to Portland?," asked one of the duders.

"Nope."

"It. Is. Ridiculous. It's like Brooklyn times a thousand."

I couldn't help being saddened by this exchange. Sure, Portland's ridiculous, but it's quaintly ridiculous. Endearingly ridiculous. Adorably ridiculous. The kind of ridiculous that makes you want to pick it up by its ironic mullet and scratch it behind its dirty, plug-filled ears. More importantly, Portland is also our country's Great Bicycle Experiment, and therefore I feel very protective of it. It's a society based entirely on cycling and self-righteousness, and even after the bespoke bicycle industry crashes and Portland becomes a modern-day ghost town, people will surely study it for decades to come.

Equally irritating was the comparison to Brooklyn. I suppose if you've only been to Williamsburg then there are some similarities, but go to Crown Heights and then tell me Portland is a thousand times Brooklyn. I'm pretty sure if a West Indian and a Hasidic Jew were spotted in the same place and at the same time in Portland that it would make the front page of The Oregonian.

Needless to say, this has yet to happen, so in the meantime you'll doubtless continue to see more cute, bike-related news items coming out of Stumptown, or Smugtown, or whatever they're calling themselves these days. For example, one Portland bike shop is now sponsoring a non-racing team:

Sure, plenty of bike shops sponsor non-competitive events such as charity rides, but how many of them are creating a rolling Boy Scout/Girl Scout troop?

The program isn't set up for the Ambassadors to simply ride around as usual. In exchange for these perks, Ambassadors are expected to live up to their name. Check out the list of Ambassador Commitments that come with being a member of the team:

- To stop and offer assistance to fellow cyclists.
- To follow all rules of the road and set the standard for exemplary riding behavior.
- To carry their Road-Aid kit with them on all rides.

Seriously, how cute is that? They even swear a little oath:

We are the 21 Ambassadors. We believe that riding a bicycle is more than just the sum of its parts. To ride a bicycle is to be part of a community, to share a common experience, as much as it is about good health and helping environment. This is a community that we love and support, a community that we all help to grow pedaling through the cold wet winter mornings, the long carefree summer nights and everything between. We believe that as a community we should support each other in bad times as well as good. We, the 21 Ambassadors are here to help you. When tires flat and spokes break, when chains fail and gears groan, when you need a hand we hope to be there to assist. We dream that your bike will always run flawlessly, that the world can be perfect, and yet, until all the stars align, we hope to help with what we know how to do, getting you and your bike back on the road.

That is just so a-freaking-dorable I could plotz. They're like snuggly little Guardian Angels!

Of course, it's impossible to read something like this and not take a good long look at yourself and your own record of helping people. Like any cyclist I've helped my share of fellow cyclists. However, like any cyclist I've also abandoned other cyclists to their fate--though I always had a good reason. In fact, just yesterday I was crossing a bridge, and I got stuck behind a woman who was trying to remount her bicycle and continue riding. Something was wrong with her drivetrain, and every time she started pedaling her chain would skip wildly--and it was only exacerbated by the fact that she was going uphill.

Now, ordinarily I might have helped her. However, at the top of the span was a man who was clearly her partner or spouse, and instead of returning to help her he simply stood there looking exasperated.

Sure, I could have stopped and done what her boneheaded companion would not, but to what end? Clearly this man is of reprehensible character, and she should leave him as soon as possible. In fact, this little bridge episode could be the incident that finally compels her to do just that. Were I to fix her bicycle, however, who knows how long she will continue to stay with him? By providing the assistance her partner was witholding I'd merely be prolonging the inevitable, and thus doing her an extreme disservice.

Sometimes, it's best to let nature take its course.

Speaking of helping the helpless, while enjoying some pizza recently I watched a gentleman pick up an ailing pigeon:

I'm not sure what happened to the pigeon, but perhaps it was hit by a car, for you can actually see a car in the background in the act of running the red. Also, you might notice that in the foreground is another pigeon. It's comforting to think that this gentleman is taking the wounded pigeon home, where he will rehabilitate him (and diaper him), and that the other pigeon is coming along out of concern for his wounded friend. Maybe the second pigeon is even carrying little pigeon insurance cards and will call the wounded pigeon's relatives with a little pigeon cellphone. That's what happens in Portland, anyway.

On the other hand, it's somehow less comforting to think that the pigeon will somehow wind up as pizza topping:

Either way, I'm sticking with the plain slices. Also, one thing's for sure, which is that it's hard out there for a pigeon:

That remains the greatest non-pornographic photo I've ever taken in my life.

With that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll be spared the horror, and if you're wrong you won't.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and ride altruistically.


--Wildcat Rock Machine



(Tour de France runner-up Andy Schelck was heavily criticized for wearing a jacket and tie during the decisive Stage 20.)

1) Andy Schleck recently claimed he is a lackluster time triallist because he subscribes to the "Slow Bike Movement."





2) Fill in the blank: "San Francisco loves ______."



3) This maneuver is called

4) Why is this disembodied hand fondling a beard?


(Best Made: When only the douchiest will do.)

5) Faux-outdoor doucherist boutique Best Made Co. is now selling extension cords.





("What comes after 'Premium Rush' again? Is it Plaid Rush?")

6) The forthcoming feature film "Premium Rush," a thriller about a New York City bike messenger, has run into trouble because:






(Hmmm, maybe they're not so similar after all.)

7) The protagonist of the book "Ultimate Rush" is actually a Rollerblade messenger in San Francisco.

--True
--False



***Special Entrepreneurial-Themed Bonus Question***


(Richard Branson always wears his splace helment.)

Which of the following Kickstarter projects has met its funding goals?






94 comments:

shu-sin said...

i lighted out!

shu-sin said...

now lights out, kids

shu-sin said...

OUT

shu-sin said...

zzz zzzz

shu-sin said...

everyone...

shu-sin said...

seriously

shu-sin said...

dreaming of frandy

shu-sin said...

and steak

shu-sin said...

woohoo ho hooo hooo

Anonymous said...

Duder?!

Anonymous said...

FredBeard top 10

shu-sin said...

sound record

shu-sin said...

time to light in

... said...

14th!

Duder said...

what, more shaved pussy?!

Anonymous said...

cloning doesn't count

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Amy said...

Maybe Neal Stephenson, author of Snow Crash, should sue the both of them.

shu-sin said...

that husky's tail looks like a chain cleaner.

Duder? I dont even know her said...

Uhhh, Chitown's been ambassadorin' since '01


http://www.bicyclingambassadors.org/about.html

crosspalms said...

What, no helment on the husky? But you were right about the horror part

Kenny Banya said...

I self-graded my quiz, that vid for being incorrect was too much for Kenny.

GhostOfTyrone said...

Violently bi-keen.

Anonymous said...

"Despite her name, Ho is not Asian..." No joke, dipshit?...She's a HO...

Grammar Nazi said...

"Sometimes, it's better to let nature take it's course."

NO, NO, NO. "It's" gets an apostrophe only as a contraction, not as a possessive!!!

Droppings said...

At first, I thought the guy carrying the pigeon was wearing an isolation suit. Then I saw the sandals. Then I realized that what I thought was the hood of the isolation suit was actually his beard. And, by the way, that pigeon looks dead, so you may be right about the pizza toppings.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Grammer Nazi,

Geez, relax, its not a big deal!

--Wildcat's Rock Machine

Anonymous said...

So I hate to call bullshit, but that husky's six-pack was painted on, not earned at the gym.

Let's put some beartrap pedals on that mountain bike, then watch him ride it barefoot...

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

That ain't Leroy's dog is it?

Grammar Nazi said...

Jesus Beezus Deezus, I think I just had a little stroke!!!

leroy said...

I was gonna go to work,
But I'd rather ride.
So I sent my dog the jerk
And went for a ride.
He cashed my damn paycheck
But I won’t cry (hey)
Cause I got to ride,
I got to ride
I got to ride.
(La dee dah, dah, dah dah….) 

I was gonna race in Prospect Park,
But I'd rather ride.
I'll stay to my right if I hear a bark
During the ride.
Cause my dog took my race number
And that’s no lie (hey)
He’s stuck in Cat Five
Stuck in Cat Five,
But he's gonna ride.

(Ride safe all. And if you're in Prospect Park, ignore my dog. He’ll be DQ’d if they test his urine.  He can’t hit the cup and they won’t let him pee on a rug.)

Bob Kidd said...

my week was better than a vacation...

Terre Haute Karl said...

the ambassadors sound a lot like the National Mountain Bike Patrol.

http://www.imba.com/nmbp

BIRD PIZA

Grump said...

Re: helping people.
I try to do that at least once a year (unless they pull a fredtastic stunt like getting a flat with out having a tube and CO2)

El Duderino said...

Aced the quiz but then my morbid curiosity got the better of me and I watched the fail vid.
Oh lob, my eyes!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Feelin' groovy.

Anonymous said...

i've got nothing.

Anonymous said...

That pigeon was curried alright, but only after being whispered sweet things in the ear and gently sodomized through the whole summer night.
Thanks for posting the picture of Branson as a space chimp. Now I feel my life is complete.

keilerm said...

Two things: 1. You really need more warning for the wrong answer video. That shit can't be unseen. 2. Knowing that the Draw Across America guy got his funding makes me a suicidal.

Anonymous said...

Draw across america guy is actually done with his trip.

shu-sin said...

drawacrossamerica guy said he'll only end his trip if he gets a job... i guess we can assume that, though perhaps his butt got sore after all.

Anonymous said...

Is This Fred unmasked?
http://www.makingcancerhistory.com/

Etherhuffer said...

Branson is going into space to look for labor that is even cheaper than Asian labor.

RANTWICK said...

That best made extension cord thing just made me want to scream at the sky. Really. I don't know why it affected me so badly, but it did.

Kuch said...

What is a "West Indian?" Someone from Mumbai? Surely Snob didn't mean a native of this land we now call America. I refer to my race as generically as "native," as there are so many tribes from this land that have their own naming distinctions.

Just trying to help clarify. Spread the word...

gsport george said...

Isn't it wonderful that publishers will pick up a book about a rollerbladder and put a picture of a skateboard on the cover.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Pshaw! Those best made extension cords don't impress me none. I make cords for my Morse code keys out of old electric guitar cords.

bikesgonewild said...

...if 'husky' was a real dog, he'd fight haz-mat suit holy guy for that dead pigeon & then roll in the mess...

Another Kickstarter hopeful said...

gsport george,
I have copyrighted and trademarked the name RollerBladder for the portable urine-collecting device I invented -- it hangs from the top tube and is connected to one's urine-producing device by a discreet tube. My lawyers will be here presently with a cease-and-desist order. Think carefully about your donation.

language arbitrary? said...

inappropriate faux-pas?

James said...

Hey snob, make sure you don't get hit by a robit in disguise whilst cyclering at night:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Xu-zbuE7kw

leroy said...

Kuch --

My dog informs me that a West Indian is someone from the West Indies.

He says he dances in Brooklyn's West Indian American Day Parade and Carnival every Labor Day.

I can't tell if he's pulling my leg. But he does love jerk chicken.

leroy said...

My dog also wishes to point out that the Husky in that video needs some bib shorts and a medical malpractice lawyer.

Whoever fixed him really botched the job.

Old joke said...

"My girlfriend went to the West Indies."
"Jamaica?"
"No, she went by herself."

bikesgonewild said...

...of course, you heard about the really big eskimo, right ???...

...he was a husky fucker...

...inuit, inuit, damn, i meant to be politically correct & say 'inuit'...

Chazu said...

Where is the hipster love?

They "ruined bicycles for the rest of us"

Watch it
(Evolution of the Hipster)

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

And my Mama cried (boo hoo hoo)
And my Mama cried
Nanook no-no
Nanook no-no
Don't be a naughty Eskimo

Watch out where the Huskies go and
Don't you eat that yellow snow.

Anonymous said...

snob I found the perfect neighborhood in Portland http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Taint%2District . I bet the streets are full of epic skid marks!

Anonymous said...

Grammer Nazi- what the hell are you ranting about? "It's" was used properly, a contraction of "it is"- why not just keep your assholism to yourself.

Anonymous said...

http://taint-district.urbanup.com/1780588 .Whoops here it is again.

Kelsey Grammer Nazi said...

Did I miss anything?

Fred's dead baby, Fred's dead... said...

So I went on vacation last week and accidentally left some artisanal bread on the counter.

When I got back it was mold Snobby, mold!

Thank you - I'll be here all week.

Curtis said...

Freddie's dead !!!

That's what FRED'S DEAD BABY. FRED'S DEAD said..

Thanx a lot and

I'm not here.

Anonymous said...

re: anonymous @6:26 PM

He does have a valid complaint, the phrase:
"let nature take it is course"
does not make a whole lot of sense.

fuck, Does this mean I am a grammar nazi?

Doug said...

It's a slippery slope..... first we use its and it's interchangeably, next it's there, their, and they're, or even (shudder) to, two, and too!
I never thought it could happen, but the anachronistic extension cords made me lust for molded plastic.

Anonymous said...

"No, she went of her own accord..."

hey nonny mouse

bikesgonewild said...

...a pondering bsnyc/rtms/wcrm examines his last several paragraphs & thinks to himself, "that's interesting...relating my little experience on the bridge gives it an almost parable-like quality...what phrase might i use to tie it all together ???...oh, i know - '
Sometimes, it's best to let nature take its course.'
...ya, that works...

...my goodness, how palpably ironic...knowing my readers, that phrase in & of itself will take on it's own natural course...they will not leave that shit alone...jeezus, sometimes this stuff just creates itself..."
...

bikesgonewild said...

...hey...nonny mouse..."No, she went of her own accord..."...

...you brits tend to overplay the queens english...

...here in california we'd just say "no, she drove home in her honda..."...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

Ridiculous fruity cyborg pebble pussy panties!

Skink said...

The Husky
got a curtain call
at the ballet.

Anonymous said...

Ach, it's just the punchline that I'd heard; "No, she went by herself" suggests (to me) that someone offered to go with her. Language pedantry is our speciality!

I blame Radio 4.

hey nonny mouse

bikesgonewild said...

...did my cheap bon mot go zing, straight over the top, nonny mouse ???...

...i was simply playing off 'accord', as in "she drove home in her honda accord"...

...honda used to make a 'prelude'...good thing we didn't go there, eh ???...

bikesgonewild said...

...& leroy ???...tell your dog that geronimo was a west indian & pocahontas was an east indian & that everything else is a lotta sitting bull because to be politically correct, we now call everyone native american, not indians...well, except for cleveland's baseball team...

Trailer Park Cyclist said...

Or Washington's

g-roc said...

Having a sureal holiday. Went to SF, Snobby writes about SF. The day I get to Portland it's Snobby's main topic (okay not much of a coincidence there). Today, I had the honor of being passed by Jens Voight's Army. Best vacation ever.

hits of sunshine said...

Chicago Blackhawk jersey
is a work of art.

Anonymous said...

I hear taxidermy opossums are all the rage in the urban backwoods revival interior decorating scene. Luckily they're available via craigslist!

http://austin.craigslist.org/spo/2533832326.html

Marc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

At the intersection that Snob always posts photos of there is a three way light. The car you see was going North until it made a left. In the photo it is finishing that lefthand turn. Not running a red.
I don't find that intersection to be dangerous, and the time to cross on foot is sufficient.
It needs some paving right at that corner the kurta-wearing man is stepping on. Making a righthand turn onto Coney by bike can get you killed if you cut the turn. I've complained to 311 many times.

Snob get on that.

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Anonymous said...

Ha ha... yes, I missed that one. I must be losing my powers of observation.

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

"I met a girl from the Islands last night."

"Jamaica?"

"Nah, Virgin."

Martin Erzinger said...

Seeing that picture of Richard Branson just reminds me.

The rich are just different that you peasants.

The rich get to go to space in comfort, and you peasants, get road rash.

Heather Angel said...

Martin Erzinger,
your head will roll

at the next peasant uprising

your prejudice will keep

you warm tonight

but someday

your blood will run cold

payback's a bitch

and karma's the daddy

Anonymous said...

You pretty much said what i could not effectively communicate. +1

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Rachat de credit www.rachatdecredit.net

Martin Erzinger said...

Heather Angel,

My blood is warm and happy,
you peasants will never rise up,
there will never be any payback,
karma is the opiate of the masses,
but do not have diddly to do with reality

Old joke said...

@hey nonny mouse
yours is the better punchline. I misremembered it!

sewa mobil said...

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Green Mountain Realty said...

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bike lover said...

Nice writing. Thanks

Kuch said...

There is less confusion with Eskimo than Indian.

Native Americans are like the pilgrims, as natives were around before America.

Whatevs. The jokes are still funny.

HSKY FUKR

Fixie Bikes said...

That bearded dude is intense.

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