Thursday, July 21, 2011

Neat Tricks: Quick! Somebody Boot That Pigeon!

According to a commenter yesterday, this is my one thousandth post. I have no idea if this is true, because I haven't ever bothered to count. My guess is the commenter is wrong, since I'd be shocked if he or she actually counted these two--which, I suppose, would put the tally at 1,003.

Either way, the sheer volume of posts I've "curated" since launching this blog in 1996 surprises even me. It also depresses me, since I'm still not making enough money. That's why I've decided to drop this whole blogging thing like a Cat 5 on a moderate incline and go into advertising instead. I've already got an awesome concept for a commercial (or, as we call it in the industry, a "spot"), too, and I'm hoping the pitch will land me a high-paying job in a modern office space with a progressive collaborate cubicle-free layout where you get to wear $75 t-shirts everyday instead of $75 button-downs. I'm confident you could use this commercial to sell pretty much anything, but just for the hell of it let's say we're selling light beer.

OK, here goes. First a guy in really tight pants walks out of a modern office space--but not so modern that he gets to wear $75 t-shirts. We don't want to alienate anybody. Anyway, you know the type: sport jacket, designer satchel, vaguely douchey... The sort of guy who lives in a condo that looks exactly like his workplace, has an artisanal axe hanging over his giant TV, owns an unridden snowboard, and calls his friends "duder:"

At first, it's like any other day, and he's about to get into his imported sports sedan with the roof rack he doesn't know how to use and drive the two miles home before meeting the "duders" at the wine bar to spend some more of that disposable income:

But then, he has a crazy idea. "I'm no stuffed shirt. I'm an edgy sort of duder who's not afraid to shake things up," he thinks mischievously to himself. "How 'bout I totally shake the shit outta this day by riding a bike instead?"

We're going to need a guy who can act, by the way, 'cause he's going to have to look like he's just caught a glimpse of a hot co-worker's vagina.

Then--and this is where we're going to have to use some expensive special effects, but it will totally be worth it--he actually replaces his car with a bike with the swipe of a finger, just as easily as he switches from Vampire Weekend to Band of Horses on his iPad/Pod/Pud:


Oh, also, it should be a really awesome bike. I don't know a lot about bikes, but I did do some research on Forbes.com, so it should probably be something custom:

Yeah, just like that.

Next, he's on his awesome custom bike wearing a helmet from 1986, and as he zig-zags all over the street like a sprinter cracking on a climb he looks over his shoulder triumphantly like Lance Armstrong flashing Jan Ullrich "The Look:"

Except, unlike Lance Armstrong, he's not dropping anybody. Instead, it's because he's now realizing he hasn't ridden a bike since he was 14 and he's reasonably sure he's going to die.

Oh, and for the music, we should get somebody who rawks to write it, but I did come up with some heavy lyrics:

C'mon...

Yeeeah, c'mon...

C'maaaooowwwn!!!


Of course, no sooner had I fleshed out my idea than I discovered that somebody stole it, because it turns out a commercial suspiciously like it has been in heavy rotation during the Tour de France on Versus. Speaking of the Tour de France, today's stage will surely go down in the cycling history as one of the most epic Tour stages of all of 2011. If you've been trying to avoid seeing the results, you can read on with confidence, because I have no intention of revealing them. I have another blog over at Bicycling.com for that (updated precisely just as soon as I feel like it new post here, get excited), which means I have no reason to issue one of these:

Anyway, even though someone stole it from me, I'm hoping my beer commercial concept gets me some work. Then, maybe I can even come up with ads for companies that make bike stuff. Let's say, for example, that a tire company asked me to create an ad campaign for them. Well, I'm enough of a sophisticated ad man to know that I shouldn't pitch them something like this:

(Puncture-Resistant Tire+Ironic Nail Placement=Tirony)

The above photo was forwarded to me by a very unlucky reader, and of course my first thought was that he could boot it like that guy from the "Triple Rush" video:

(Person living hand-to-mouth using our nation's flagging currency to repair tire=Tirony)

This in turn led me to wonder if there were any new "Triple Rush" videos featuring handy tricks. Well, it turns out there are. In fact, there was a video in which one of the messengers explains how to make a pigeon diaper out of a maxi-pad:

Not only that, but as you can see, he's finished the maxi-pad pigeon diaper in a delightful pirate skull-and-crossbonesway.

If the producers of "Triple Rush" are still wondering why the show got cancelled, it could have something to do with the narrative detours into the bizarre world of bird-diapering. I thought the world of bicycle messengering was supposed to be a non-stop thrill ride. A man who lives in a home full of pigeons wearing diapers and dressed as pirates is the sort of thing I'd expect to find on Animal Planet at like 3:00am.

This is not to say I wouldn't watch the crazy diaper pirate pigeon man show. I mean, I probably wouldn't stay up until 3:00am, but I'd almost certainly DVR it--especially if the guy who lived with the pigeons also rode around in this, which was forwarded to me by a reader:
I smell a "Triple Rush" spinoff--and maybe a hint of pigeon feces.

By the way, if you ever need to diaper a pigeon in an emergency and you don't have any maxi-pads, there's a neat trick you can do with a dollar bill, and hopefully that's the subject of the next "Triple Rush" video.

Lastly, a reader in Philadelphia has spotted an Ikea bike in the wild, complete with backwards fork:


Saw this in center city Philly today. Looks like the classic reverse fork set up for a combination of speed, handling and flat box load portaging.

I'm imagining a home full of improperly-assembled sensible furniture.

82 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes!

Anonymous said...

And again!

Charles said...

What???

Anonymous said...

suck it, wishiwasmerckx!

OBA said...

Shut up, legs!

donkey said...

donkey

Anonymous said...

Sweep? Oh yeah!

Charles said...

C'mon peloton

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten on a late post.

Paul said...

I am the Fredliest of all!

Rat Fink said...

Squeak

Anonymous said...

Sad day for Contador... and me.

Bob Kidd said...

so close!!

UrbanRidingTips said...

Happy 1000th!!

Love from,

URT

Amy said...

Wow, I'm surprised that IKEA bike didn't disintegrate like so much wet MDF once taken outside the giant blue box.

Chris said...

It says "pirate" on the front so people don't confuse it with "poison"

RANTWICK said...

Gaar! I'm a TriPirate! Gaar!

Bob Kidd said...

I'm imagining a home full of improperly-assembled sensible furniture. - priceless

Perrico Delgado said...

Spoiler alert picture---LOL----Tour is getting Epikk now. Beat the grupetto to.

Douchey Business Duder said...

Snob,
I used to think your blog was funny, but now that you are lampooning me i think you are, like, sooooooooo unfunny. and also mean in general.

Anonymous said...

Would you befriend a guy who diapers and arranges marriages for pigeons? Methinks not.

Grump said...

Why not just start adding "placements" to your blog.
you could just "happen" to mention how good that last Pepsi tasted, or how you plan to order from Pizza Hut after finishing the blog.
How about..." While Sevens are somewhat of a joke, they are kind of cool"..(That one should be worth $100)
One "placement" per blog should be all that it takes.

Anonymous said...

Andy must have remembered to take his "vitamins" this morning

d12 said...

in regards to pirate triathalon full-zip guy: "Sweep the leg, Johnny!!"

ringcycles said...

Oh No Snobby, the Mich Ultra "spot" just proves my theory that the more the marketing, the worse the beer tastes.

Please Please Please do not start shilling for swill.

leroy said...

One thousand posts? Wow, congratulations and thanks!

My dog notes that would be 7,000 posts in doggerel.

Ignore him.

He's been prank calling Jacob Oresky & Associates and asking if they will take a man-bites-dog case or at least be his friend for life.

Two beers and two hours watching Versus and he's insufferable.

crosspalms said...

Happy K-Day (give or take a couple). Great work!

Now, where can I get a custom titanium Seven-iron made? The off-the-rack irons just don't fit me and I'm tired of sucking at this croquet thing.

Doktor Dopeowitz said...

Andy's ride was quite Landisesque if I do say so.

Bill Clinton said...

A fine cigar is good for more than just a relaxing smoke.

Anonymous said...

Cherubic-anorectic face, but Andy Schleck is the Devil/Beelzebub/Satanas/Reagan.
The first photo on the bicycling.com article is more frightening than witnessing a Skull and Bones initiation.
Possession. Everyone knows roadies don't smile.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCdEsAkD138&feature=player_embedded

hillbilly said...

DUDER!

hillbilly said...

DUDR ONME

le Correcteur said...

Pack fodder; almost spit bagel on the keyboard at the spoiler alert!

guy with day job said...

jesus christ you people suck

Marcel Da Chump said...

Congrats, and thanks for the epic blog.

Guy Without a Day Job said...

Fishin's great.

3G said...

Schlandis-gate 2011

I AM AN ARRR ENGINE said...

somebody with photoshop mad skills must convert tri-dork into a pirate with shirt, eye patch, and diapered bird on his shoulder.

Kenny Banya said...

DIET BEER

108 Shirt said...

For anyone who missed the Stomach of Anger '108' shirt...

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dllViewItem&item=230648477588&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT

All profits to the Wouter Weylandt fund at https://www.facebook.com/notes/leopard-trek/donations-wouter-weylandt/161493960581968

BUCK NEKD said...

That bicycling.com is linked to the same YouTube video!

The overlords (sidelords?) won't get the bump in site hits and your value will plummet!

Hungry Panda said...

"I can't give you a statistical likelihood, but I know for sure that his coach is my previous drug dealer."

Landis suggests that Armstrong reached a secret money deal with the UCI (International Cycling Union, cycling's governing body) to cover up his positive drug test and how he believes Armstrong's coach, Chris Carmichael, was never actually his coach but "a smokescreen."

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/graham-bensinger/floyd-landis-lance-armstrong-_b_904123.html

Today is the worst day in my life, next they will be saying that Calfee Bamboo is rreally spiked with Carbon fibre.

I will take two

SPOLIER ALERT said...

And the GC winner of the 2011 TdF is ...




Alberto 'I was only play'in possum' Contador


He wins the TT and skates to extremely Gay Paree

The loudspeaker spoke up and said...

TriPirate's Girlfriend

grog said...

Tirony Tyranny!
Oh the Humanity!

MORE BABE
BLOG 1000
PIRT DORK

Excellent thought Arr Engine

mikeweb said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mikeweb said...

News from India today. Also from the French Alps.

Say: "Lay-o-pard Neck"

raddestpaperboy said...

Duder, the boyz over here at EpicDouchyAdMen would like to hire/challenge you to do a spot for our client Izod. We're thinking something with some crazy Indy race carz LOL rippin up the desert to a bad-ass soundtrack that conjures pleasant feelings like that time you tortured a kitten. And everybody wears polo shirts. Hit us up if yer up for it duder!

raddestpaperboy said...

Duder, the boyz over here at EpicDouchyAdMen would like to hire/challenge you to do a spot for our client Izod. We're thinking something with some crazy Indy race carz LOL rippin up the desert to a bad-ass soundtrack that conjures pleasant feelings like that time you tortured a kitten. And everybody wears polo shirts. Hit us up if yer up for it duder!

Anonymous said...

"Triple Rush" has not been cancelled. And to clarify... This is a webisode from unused footage, not a clip from the show. Regardless, diapering pigeons is way cool.

Hmm hmm la-la-la said...

Hey, man.

Yesterday you had a typo in link text for that "Olmsted" guy, you had "Olmsed"

And that Tomsled guy mentioned Lance as being the most famous cyclist or something. Well, Mol'sted did due diligance:

Daily Lance
The very latest news and views on the world’s most famous cyclist.

J. Scott easilyoffended said...

Blog gold Snob!

I lol'd at these comments today.

Anon 1:25
suck, it wishiwasmerckx

and, the guy without a day job, right after guy with a day job.

leroy said...

Bert auditions for Triple Rush.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDJsgtoizj8

If you can't boot them, join them.

Salty and Sore said...

..and what's that commercial with the Dad describing--when his daughter is two--that he will one day buy her a Les-baru?

wishiwasmerckx said...

With every passing day, I am starting to wrap my head around the increasing likelihood off the coming Cadelpocolypse.

Just remember that when Cadel gets out of bed in the morning, he puts on his Tiara the same way that you do.

Tiara BoomDeeAy said...

I bet he doesn't

DOVE LOVE said...

Someone's been doing those pigeons.
And diapers are now necessary.

Friendo said...

1000 POST
CWKR VJAJ
BIRD DIPR
BUTP IRAT

@ Loudspeaker: that's not a chick, it's a dude with extensions and moobs.

Anonymous said...

More Bicycling posts or Ima fuckin kill you.

Go Thor!

Anonymous said...

These pretzels are making me thirsty!
These panties are making me thirsty!
These panties are making me watch Versus!
These Panties are not making me drink crappy light beer advertised on Versus!
These panties are making me drink Guiness!
Panties!

Splendid Ikea! said...

>The forks are tuned that way for hi^-speed motopacing, idiot!

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Pigeons have a knack for getting themselves killed in my machinery at work. I hate them so!

Ima Effin Killyoo said...

Was my Great Aunt's maiden name.

Jasper said...

Amy is rapidly turning into the Jeremy Roy of the comment peloton...

bikesgonewild said...

...whatever the count, wildcat rock machine, props on close to a K's worth of bikesnobetting columns...

...been here since close to the beginning & i've almost figured out how to read, respond & still have a life of my own...

...just sayin'...again, props...

I am a confused engine said...

http://www.wcfanshop.com/servlet/the-666/Pirate-Cycling-Time-Trial/Detail

She pirate tri dork, why the unlaced boots. Is this supposed to be kinky or sexually suggestive?

Makes my brain hurt.

Anonymous said...

Brad Lancaster does not own a car. Tuscon-based rainwater-harvesting guru wishes he had a Big Dummy smug-flot, uses handmade trailer for portaging, transports a second bike in a suitcase. Smugness perfecta photos: solar panels delivered by bike.

http://www.harvestingrainwater.com/2011/07/20/human-empowered-enlightened-and-energized-transport-2/

Glitteratti Planet said...

July 2011 La Testoratti Italia Magazine

(translated from the italian)

Yes. 'THE CIPO' is certain that 'The Thor' sprang from 'THE CIPO'S' seed. 'THE CIPO' is a uber hyperbolic entity who the women are drawn to as if they were steel and 'THE CIPO' were a magnet. 'THE CIPO' cannot help himself. 'THE CIPO' is mostly human you know?


Reminds 'THE CIPO' of that time in the British Isles when this young woman Cavendish was drawn to 'THE CIPO'. Ahhhhhh. But that is for another time. 'THE CIPO' must ru as 'THE CIPO' has a busy schedule.


CHAio!

Anonymous said...

"You're thor? I'm tho fuckin' thor I can't pith!"

A very old punchline...

Interesting stage today.

hey nonny mouse

Velo Shitstorm said...

one thousand posts? am i the only one that needs a power bar and a nap to get through them?

Anonymous said...

P.S..... 2 'n's in Guinness...

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Methinks this flying pigeon could use a pirate diaper: http://www.theflyingpigeon.com/

Charlie Didrickson said...

Epic Diaper Boot

MRC said...

Note for the future - In 25 yrs time, anybody coming across an unused, still in the plastic, IKEA staff bike, found in the back of some old guys' garage - make sure it has the backward facing fork or else.
Mable - future president of DICS (Dedicated IKEA Cycle Seekers) A bike collectors movement that will start up in 20 years time from now. They'll know a worthless fake when they see one and your name will be mud on their forum.

Brit said...

looks like backwards brakes as well

Bill Smith said...

I would think it would be embarrassing for both Cadillac and Michelob to feature adds with the same"swipe" gimmick. I wonder if the same agency made both commercials.

My favorite ad is the one with the boy on the tricycle. The little guy has a great game face.

generic viagra said...

oh,, that was erally fun,, hohoh,, i stuck laughing,, cool,, good sence of humar,,

Bicycle Defender said...

Pigeons are gross, so are maxi pads

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Fixie Bikes said...

None of those things are on that bike!

Anonymous said...

thanks for posting..