Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Apocalypse Now: All You Haters Dis My Topia

So this is it. The Apocalypse™ is finally upon us, and life as we know it is now coming to an end. Of course, we can't say we didn't see it coming. Indeed, in retrospect it was completely obvious:

July 24th, 2011: Cadel Evans wins the Tour de France. (I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that one.)

These, then, were the signs--clearer than the ironic mustache on your face--that human existence was about to be transfigured. Now, there's no turning back, for it has begun. America's credit rating has been downgraded from Dura Ace to Ultegra. The stock market is plummeting so quickly that Andy Schleck should hire it as his descending coach. And in London and beyond, people have been rioting for days.

Now, there's nothing particularly funny about this sort of violence. To be perfectly honest, it saddens me deeply, and given the Apocalyptic™ state of affairs recently it's hard not to feel despondent. Nevertheless, I should share that readers have been alerting me to the apparent phenomenon of "hipster bystanders:"

Secondly, one of the most peculiar thing was the amount of hipster bystanders. Either shocked by the force of the police, or targeted by rioters. We witnessed one hipster’s fixed speed bike being stolen, as he protested “hey man you can’t steal my bike, that’s not on, that’s unfair” his mugger simply looked him dead in the eyes asserted the well known phrase “OR WHAT?” and rode off.

Hipster or no hipster, it seems to me that a looting victim is a looting victim. And then when you read stuff like this, it all seems like some Anthony Burgess near-future dystopia:

Youths used text messages, instant messaging on BlackBerry phones and social media platforms such as Twitter to coordinate attacks and stay ahead of the police.

This is frightening. Really, no matter where we live or how secure we may feel, we're all just a few "tweets" away from a socially networked wave of violence and destruction--and if the looters don't destroy your livelihood then the crumbling economy will. But don't blame the looters:

"This is the uprising of the working class. We're redistributing the wealth," said Bryn Phillips, a 28-year-old self-described anarchist, as young people emerged from a store with chocolate bars and ice cream cones.

And don't blame their financial industry looting counterparts either. They're just being the most awesome duders they can be:



The above video was forwarded to me by a reader, and it truly is a stunning piece of self-aggrandizement:

Legitimate daytraders, swing traders, and active investors are true masters of their craft, rising above human nature to churn out profits consistently from the market. Just like great artists, athletes, and professionals train years to become proficient, so do great traders, honing their skills of analysis, risk control, and mental discipline to gain an edge in the markets. While doing so they also benefit the economy by adding liquidity. Despite this, the independent trader and investor is in an industry where his/her needs are unrecognized and unmet. Our goal is to change that by addressing their needs like never before.

Like firefighters, they are true American heroes--even if churning out profits consistently for yourself despite what the market is doing is a skill akin to liberating a plasma TV from a burning store, inasmuch as both involve acting purely in your own self-interest on a moment-to-moment basis.

So what will the post-Apocalyptic™ world look like? Will socially networked looters and day traders in fortified Wi-Fi hotspots pick the landscape clean as hipsters look on with bemusement? Or are hipsters and looters both unwitting agents of our financial overlords, mere instruments of consumption, differing only in their methods and wardrobe? Most importantly, how will the rest of us flee, and to where? Frankly, thanks to the Upscalification of Everything, few of us can even afford basic survivalist tools anymore. Axes cost hundreds of dollars:


A decent "Summer Camp Care Package" full of cheap novelty shit to help you while away those lonely nights off the grid will set you back $145:


Even toy blocks for grownups are like $85:

There is some indication though that pods of hipsters may already have sought refuge in the wilderness and are even now living lives of pure idyll. Consider this video which was forwarded to me by a reader, in which some of them have formed a utopian hillbombing society:

Mountain Cream B&T from CREAM Bikes & Things on Vimeo.

In this mountain society, there are no laws, apart from the Law of Gravity:

There are also no brakes, which is why they "whip-skid" incessantly and can't make it down a single descent without completely destroying a tire:

I'm not one for fawning over bicycles, but I do believe that our bikes communicate with us, and what this bike is saying is, "You're an idiot."

So what do the hillbombers do when they need new tires in their mountain retreat? Perhaps they don't. Perhaps they "curate" them from nearby rubber trees, or else the tires simply fall from the sky. Also, when hungry, they cook their meat over an open flame, which they tend to using an artisanal hatchet:

The hillbombers know nothing of toil, or hardship, or responsibility. They know only the joy of endless libation:

And of looking through mirrored sunglasses upon the landscape while trackstanding in a state of perfect Zenlike tarck-tastic stasis:

Aloof, they flirt with death, whip-skidding their way out of dangerous situations:


Oh, how they whip-skid, free from the constraints of all common sense::


All they need is their bikes, and each other, and maybe an extra headband or two, and of course the willing woman whose job it will be to bear their children and carry on their legacy:

These, children of the future, are your forebearers. Forgive them, for they knew not what they did.

125 comments:

Anonymous said...

begin foffing

Anonymous said...

YES!

Anonymous said...

Sweep?

Anonymous said...

Wowzers n stuff

shu-sin said...

squatting?

Neil said...

!

foffer said...

is foffing doping?

A. Nony Mous said...

Satisfying!

Eric Lowe said...

Dys

Anonymous said...

Clenbuterbrod!!!
Training instead Vuelta.
Still not the best form :(

Anonymous said...

Vagina!

ringcycles said...

One minute you're riding a FP daydreaming about the cute girl from the chinese garden, and before you know it you're shopping for a mini van that will take 3 child seats & play 2 different Barney DVD's at the same time.

Epochal lips said...

mwah!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Blaiser said...

Downshifting!

Anonymous said...

Frandy Schleck in the ITT [teenth-ish]

Anonymous said...

My bike tells me I'm an idiot all the time. Great post-post-postmodern post.

GhostOfTyrone said...

Ah, paging Captain Walker to teach tomorrow-morrow's children how to properly whip-skid.

At least the Brits will be
well dressed

I am a confused engine said...

Fuck,

You mean I can start reproducing now?

I don't think so, I am in no hurry to have the little ones play with my toys.

crosspalms said...

Had to run an errand and saw an interesting old bike parked nearby, a Magneet Sprint -- lugged steel 10-speed, nice. No rioters in Chicago yet.

shu-sin said...

if rioting and looting takes place in urbania, and hilpsters aren't around to film and drop edits, did the rioting and looting really happen?

Anonymous said...

Now that I have my artisan axe, I'm ready for the apocalypso.

DAYO DAYO

CHOP CHOP

rural 14 said...

Ant 2nd!

JB said...

Buying new tires every day/week/month vs. slapping on a rear brake? I forget, which is more minimalist? Idiots.

Anonymous said...

No rioters in Scotland yet either; there was a boy in Glasgow started a "let's start a riot" face book page and was promptly lifted by the polis.

(I have just heard that Tottenham have signed a new football player .... apparently Grabbatelly starts playing for them next weekend ......)

hey nonny mouse

g said...

I would have to guess that calling Bryn Phillips a member of the "working" class is a bit of an leap of faith. I am sure he wouldn't be such an "anarchist" if the redistribution of wealth were from him to me rather than the from me to him model he's fond of at the moment.

"Or what"?

Anonymous said...

so defacing roads with tire marks and the gluttonous consumption/waste of petrochemical derived rubber is now considered zen? I would consider it a an act akin to environmental terrorism if you ask me. Put a brake on it you dirty hippie.

SingleSpeedMark said...

Environmental terrorists unite!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Those kids should be wearing their helments.

mikeweb said...

3:51.

The point at which I had to stop watching that stupid B&T viddy. What a piece of crap.

Also, you don't get much closer to the root cause of a lot of our economic and societal problems than day traders. Greed is one of those things that almost everyone doesn't want to be associated with or accused of, especially face to face. Stock trading and the legal construct known as the corporation allow people to be greedy anonymously, no matter what the cost to others.

"Oh, you mean that your company's profits and stock price will go up if you make the same product more cheaply? But doing that will mean about 100 people a year near your plant will get cancer? And the government doesn't care? Great! Buy me a 1,000 shares!"

Compared to that, these rioters are bush league.

TJ Eckleburg said...

ok, is it just me? Snobby? did you notice 2 moustaches in the summer pack? Huh?

Anonymous said...

Snobby - you're talking about people who (to borrow the phrase from James Lee Burke) are so stupid they need a diagram to pleasure themselves.

cycle

Special Lover said...

From watching those videos I come to the conclusion that Hipsters = Douches.

xyxax said...

TJ,

His and Hers?
And with the kazoo and joy buzzer, this is summer camp in the Catskills?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Apocalypse Tweet

shu-sin said...

i feel dirty having watched that traders video... no body cleansing will rid of that feeling either... so i'm going to hill bomb my way out it.

Charlie Didrickson said...

I'ma start a skidding riot in Chicago...

YER ON MY LEFT!

Anonymous said...

Watching incessant whip skidz makes my head hurt...what absolute morons.

I Go Around and Around said...

Day traders make things really easy for the real traders who have bundles and bundles of cash behind them. As soon as things turn, everything they own gets really cheap.

In the future, firms involved in credit default swaps will merge with groups of looters on the streets in an attempt to deversify their overall looting portfolios.

And the weather in Central Park - warm, sweaty and the occasional weaving tourist.

Anonymous said...

So if there had been texting back in the 1700's we would have known that "BRTISH R CMNG" and Ben Franklin's ringtone was that of a gobbling turkey. And that Paul Revere rolled over & went back to sleep.

J-Bird said...

Classic, Snobby.

P. Bateman said...

Soooooo....trashing your tires is hot right now? So rad. I'm going to take things up another epic notch and just bang my bike frame with a hammer. Knarley.

I'm going to start my own riot against doofuses and the douchery they insist on engaging in.

Jasper said...

Hey nonny mouse - Can we expect the Cartitov brothers to appear either for Lverpool or Manchester?

Etherhuffer said...

I'll take looters over traders. At least with looters there is instant trickle down of goods.

Anonymous said...

Riots are scary

Teemac said...

Skids are for kids... and, apparently, hipsters.

grog said...

yeah, 2 moustaches, and no babe.

APOC LYPS

hillbilly said...

I thought it was the UK

Anonymous said...

I, uh, believe that would be downgraded to Ultegra SL. Not just plain ol' Ultegra. Keep it stupid, simple.

Poppa Wheelie said...

I've always been told and thought "Once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget"

That theory is apparently being tested by descending mountain hipsters.

Bobby said...

Saying these woodland downhilling fixie hipsters are idiots because they burn through tires is a lot like saying rally car drivers are idiots because they damage their vehicles. Burnt tires don't detract from the physicality of the riders, the art in the way in which they've chosen to connect to their machines, and the rush of participating in risk-taking behavior. No, not idiots...

Anonymous said...

I thought Snob must have photoshopped those 2 ironic stick-on moustaches in the camper kit... but there they are in the actual bestmade website.

I think snob runs that website just so he can ridicule it... no one ever tries to actually buy that stuff.

crosspalms said...

What's this about luthiers running wild in the streets?

JB said...

Bobby,
The race car metaphor would work if race cars didn't have brakes and stopped by running into trees or bluffs.

I don't have light switches in my house, I just cut the Romex to turn off the lights and splice it back together to turn them on. It's artistic.

Friendo said...

WHIP SKID
DRTY HIPI
LOOT ERS!

Anonymous said...

I eat bananas and fart butterflies.
-angry dragon

Etherhuffer said...

I don't have freon in my fridge, I just put big blocks of ice in there.

bikesgonewild said...

...never a company to lose momentum, best made has come out with a new 'riot pack' which they're marketing in britain...

...it includes an axe handle (in a lovely array of colored stripes), their first aid kit (with plenty of extra band-aids), fake mustaches (for obvious disguise), a bandana (for when fake mustaches aren't enough or to staunch the flow of blood if the band-aids also aren't enough), a fire-starter (need i go there, really ???), a $95 red wool beanie (so you can kinda look like those around you in their ubiquitous $5 black wool beanies) & last but not least, a free download of the stones 'street fighting man' for your i-phone (with an addendum of how to riot & loot & why you're doing it)...

..."let best made take the work & worry out of your day"...

Anonymous said...

You realize the "summer camp care package" has a knotted urinary catheter on the left of the bottom row.

What's that for?

Rigid Bicycles said...

"The Apocalypse™ is upon us" indeed. The riders of the apocalypse are among us. Beware.
Video Proof.

tomorrow your homeless.....tonight is a blast said...

I prefer the Dead Kennedy's for my riot themed music.

bikesgonewild said...

...yes, but remember - the riots are in tottenham...

...those brits are very selective & like to go with their own...

yea but said...

There's always room for Jello

Twist of Cain ... OH. said...

it would be sweet to do an epic edit of the skid video, complete with a whoopie cushion overdub every time one of those "cool" guys slid sideways ... i mean, it kind of looks like they are sitting at a dinner table and lifting up an ass cheek to pass some gas, right?

not impressed, well maybe i am, it's impressive they are still alive i suppose.

na said...

That fixie video was genuinely terrible. I even threw up a little while I tried to stomach the first 2minutes...

HK 416 said...

Is there a video of hilpsters riding uphill?

Tyres should last at least a 1000 miles.


[Riots in my English city. Woohoo! ]

crosspalms said...

hey nonny mouse,
Is Grabatelly the guy's who's been dating supermodel Nicka Fixie?

Anonymous said...

Bryn Phillips can fuck off. Spotty oiks are trashing my favourite artisanal cup cake and curated vintage clothing outlet.

CDLM GGDN
RIOT TWAT

Anonymous said...

Videos like those make me go "weeeeee".

Anonymous said...

God I'm sick of these self-aggrandizing hipsters. At least the day traders work for a living and have aspirations other than hanging out with friends.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 4:14pm...best made includes that catheter, rather than the kazoo in the riot pack because if the bobbies don't crack your skull, you're more likely to land in a greasy hovel shooting up with dirty junkies than having a kumbaya sing along in a local park...

..."Ev'rywhere I hear the sound of marching, charging feet, boy
'Cause summer's here and the time is right for fighting in the street, boy
But what can a poor boy do
Except to sing for a rock 'n' roll band
'Cause in sleepy London town
There's just no place for a street fighting man"
...

Anonymous said...

Fierce Kitty forever! Wrap your head around it! Wrap hard!!
Why mess with kitties?! especially fierce ones.!?
Ima use your litter box mofo!
Panties! (Fierce ones.!)
Exclamation point!
Panties!!

Anonymous said...

wait, that kit has:

Latex slingshot tubing
300 ft. of green polka dot tape
a bag of fake mustaches
kazoo
P38 can opener
joy buzzer
45 x mini-microscope
4 way vintage Swiss army flashlight
288 page US army survival field book
12 piece sewing kit
fire starter
3 blade whittling knife
engineer's compass
Best Made Wonderful poster
Best Made badge
plus one mystery prize!

how can you go wrong in the woods with that bundle of fun

Anonymous said...

Endless libation panties!

crosspalms said...

Joking over: hope you UKers get through this. Riots are scary, and the aftermath can live forever. There are places in Chicago that haven't been rebuilt from the 1968 riots.

kfg said...

Crosspalms - "a Magneet Sprint -- lugged steel 10-speed . . ."

. . . that makes a UO-8 look like a lightweight. Even Dutch 10-speeds are, shall we say; "sturdy."

Except for the fork, which is a bit of wet noodle. Go figure.

Not a bad way to go for groceries in a bit of vintage style though, with Campy derailers for the extra touch.

No riots in the Adirondacks, but maybe a bit of stocking up on deer rifle cartridges.

mr. melee said...

i'm so disappointed.

from the land of punk and football hooligans comes this:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/techchron/detail?entry_id=94991&tsp=1

bats? and american baseball bats at that?

ack.

may i recommend to all brits the 14 inch stanley fat max for a more optimal melee weapon?

Anonymous said...

usa: downgraded to ultegra.

where's banya?

classic.

Anonymous said...

SKID MARK

Anonymous said...

When does 'Forget the cream pie I am gonna pick some dingleberries' festival start?

Anyone
Anyone
Anybody

BGW
Anyone

Spotty oiks said...

BGW - I think the disaffected youth of Albion would rather work out to Jello rather than his Mickness

Marcel Da Chump said...

we'll be fighting in the streets
with our children at our feet
and the morals that they worship will be gone
and the men who spurred them on
sit in judgement of all wronged
they decide and the shotgun sings the song*



Madison Square Garden 1979*
Shea Stadium ( the Clash ) 1982*

Skid Marx said...

Nothing makes an epic descent better than pedaling the whole way down. Except for the mandatory mid-ride tire change. And maybe the prospect of knee replacement surgery.

leroy said...

My survival kit may not survive the Apocalypse, but shoot, a feller could have a pretty good weekend in Vegas with all that stuff.

http://tinyurl.com/yzna7ep

The Woogz said...

woogie woogie

JDH said...

Riots in London?! Well boys and girls, there's a lesson here. That lesson is: SHIT ROLLS DOWNHILL, in life, work and play. Remember or live with the pain.

Reggie said...

If I see another hipster bike video overuse that silly wanna-be Super 8 film light trails effect I will grow an ironic mustache, wax it, make a pretentious video, and then punch myself in the face. I will then move out of my hardcore luxury condo, chop down some trees with a bedazzled axe, build a tiny house that will house only 47 things, and then burn it down using my Bard MFA as kindling. I will then only have a $495 Outlier jacket to protect me as I film myself riding a color-coordinated fixie across the sands of Egypt. In the editing process I will be sure to completely overuse that silly wanna-be Super 8 film light trails effect until you can't see any actual footage.

Anonymous said...

1) No, not unless they're expensive to buy and useless.
(which Manchester team? There are two...)

2) ...or just..another...country...

3)They're trying to fiddle their benefits.

4)Yes, we like our own (Sus by the Ruts is very apt); Dead Kennedys are acceptable anywhere, though.

5)No, that's Shagamunter.

6)What's a Stanley FatMax? Over here, a Stanley's a knife......

I'd go for a foot and a half of inch ally bar, meself...

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Bobby 3:48 :
Rally drivers ARE idiots.
Shameful waste.

g-roc said...

Hilpster parody has reached new heights in subtlety. Song playing in the background repeating "what's the point?" and a big "L" on her forehead near the end. At least that's how I chose to interpret it. Anyway, gotta go order my summer camp care package.

Anonymous said...

The fun will stop when one of their faces looks like the threadbare tire they display so proudly.

FACE PLNT

Anonymous said...

Leroy @6:53 PM --

Best. Movie. Ever.

Dog Circus said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=THh1pPWEoWs

Le Grand Minimalisimo said...

fk u

bikesgonewild said...

...hey nonny nonny...checked out the ruts & i'm surprised they didn't make a splash on this side of the pond...they were good...

...caught several versions of 'sus', one with b-flags hank rollins guesting...dig the ruts...

JJDG said...

2:30 hipster buttrocket

That clip makes those Rapha clips seem... normal?

Red Star Cycles said...

why does the chick have gold snot dribbling out of her nose?

Red Star Cycles said...

btw if these guys leave skidmarks wherever they go does that make them turds?

Rol said...

"traders" video, 0:25, can't even pronounce "entrepreneurial" right.

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Anonymous said...

Marcel da Chump
Finger Bang Champion
of his little sisters friends.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

At approximately 1:22 in the hillbombing vid it would appear that the speed at which a hilpster goes "whooo" is quite a bit less than 46 mph.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bike repairs reigate said...

skid mark

ce said...

The apocalyspork I ordered hasn't arrived yet. I'm worried that if it doesn't show up soon I'll be left to endure the post apocalypse without the appropriate titanium multi-function eating utensil. Not that there will be anything much to eat anyway. Except people. I call dibs on Contador, The Last Clen-Steak.

And Snob, I'm afraid there may be a little bit of history that invalidates your trade mark registration of The Apocalypse. Walt Disney Co. realised this and withdrew their application some time ago. Which is a pity, in their version Seal Team 6 were going to save the world.

Bod said...

Riots in Leicester last night too. Twats broke in to Pound Land, Pound Stretcher and McDonalds... What exactly did they intend to steal? [Insert 'cost of damage etc.' joke here]

Marcel Da Chump said...

Anon 3:55am,
finger painting angry dragon

Johann Rissik said...

@bikesgonewild: add more firelighters to those kits. My countrymen were amazed at the downright incompetence of the average English yob. Can't the useless mofos even set a car alight? They need a few lessons from their SA counterparts:)

Anonymous said...

Those tires are expensive,,,,and, made by CORPORATIONS, efficiently and for a PROFIT!

Croll 2 said...

please save us from these mind-numbingly stupid hilpsters! get some fucking brakes already

DUBL COLN said...

"sense::"

Twin colons!

You're in a rut!
You better get out of it, out of it, out of it, out of it, out of it.

Johann Rissik said...

Are they serious about the "Tight Anus Axe" becoming an extension of your body. No, really.

Drew said...

When that broseph (intended) is pumping up his replacement tire by the side of the river, I'm pretty sure I flooded the proverbial basement.

Chris Graham said...

If these dudes had front brakes then maybe they could learn that their high-fashion track bikes can actually corner those descents at much higher speeds than they seem to understand. Having to constantly focus on busting sweet whip-skids (ad nauseum) is keeping these super cool bros from becoming skilled riders.

They look like scared, uncomfortable little boys.

I am an angry engine said...

http://www.nydailynews.com/forums/thread.jspa?threadID=142770

Come on you pussies, this is your opportunity to tell the newspapers to cut the hate out.

Instead you are more concerned with glasses.

Show some of that humor, where it counts.

andy hutch said...

in the nicest possible way, they really are a bunch of cocks - mummy and daddy pay for the video i wonder? i'm fairly certain mummy and daddy own the little mountain village, or at least the local vineyard. the locals must love them ;-)

Sami said...

do you have a autory to take out this photos of the video?? take of this post or i will close you're blog.

pere xixinabo said...

no me voy a molestar ni en traducir este texto porque este blog me da bastante verguenza. que 4 "enterados" de bicicletas se pongan a hablar de un cortometraje de un fin de semana rulando en bicicleta de unas personas que ni conocen. vosotros seguir asi dando pena que eso es lo que sabeis hacer bien gracias por estos minutos. fixed soldier.

XAVI MOYA said...

Muy de acuerdo con el post de pere xixinabo! gracias por la atencion ! que vais de defensores de la bici ? nose, enfin asi lo unico que haceis es daros importancia, asi que gracias !

la de la bici rosa said...

you should not speak about something you dont know, also about some people that im sure are better persons, more intelligent and can control a bike that you don't even understand how works!
hipsters¿ fuck hipsters!
they know what they do, they know how to do it!

Anonymous said...

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Fixie Bikes said...

A bike topia? I bet you could run it.

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