Monday, June 6, 2011

Our Job Is Your Job: All You Viewers Save Our Show

As I've mentioned before, I am a devout worshipper of an all-powerful lobster deity, and I adhere to my religion for two reasons:

1) The Almighty Lob provides me with what we Crustaceanists call the "Menu of Life." Provided I follow this moral code, I am guaranteed eternal happiness in the Lobster Tank in the Sky after I die;

and

2) I don't have to pay tax when I dine at Red Lobster because it's my religion and technically I'm "taking communion."

Another selling point for my religion is that there's not much emphasis on saving stuff. Certain types of Christians, for example, make a big deal about "being saved," but according the Menu of Life we Crustaceanists are only required to save three things:

--Money, unless we really want something;

--Drowning puppies and kittens, if it's convenient and the water is over 60 degrees American;

--Our Red Lobster leftovers, which me must burn as an offering.

One thing we definitely don't have to save is TV shows. That's why I'm not lifting a single pereipod to save "Triple Rush," the now-cancelled Travel Channel show about bicycle messengers:

Why is it our problem to save "Triple Rush?" If you ask me (which you're not), this campaign represents everything wrong with America, or Canada's pierced uvula. (Actually, come to think of it, pierced uvulas might actually represent everything wrong with America.) Consider the chain of events:

--The producers made a TV show with minimal cultural value or import beyond simply being entertaining;

--This TV show was then aired on pay TV, despite the fact that its primary audience tends not to pay for TV since they prefer to spend their disposable income on alcohol and Wednesday weed. (This is not a judgment, by the way. According to the Menu of Life there's absolutely no difference between spending money on cable and spending it on intoxicants--and if you can afford it you should do both.)

--Unsurprisingly, the show did not resonate with the monied foodies the Travel Channel likes to tell its sponsors comprise its viewership;

--The show got cancelled, presumably to clear the schedule for a new show called "Rich Douchebags Stuffing Their Faces."

Now the producers have the nerve to ask us to save it? Sure, I found the show mildly entertaining. In fact, I might even have kept watching if they hadn't cancelled it. But they did, and as an American TV viewer my job consists of the following:

--Sit glassy-eyed on the couch and occasionally jab at the remote resting on my snack food-engorged gut when I get bored of what I'm seeing.

That's it. Done, and done. Save "Triple Rush?" Save anything? I don't think so. This "Help us help you watch dumb TV" approach is offensive to me. It's almost like a couple of hipsters asking you for money so they can throw a pool party.

Sure, PBS has a sufficiently high "smugness quotient" that they're entitled to ask us for help every now and again, but that's about it. Anyway, arguably "Triple Rush" was saved when it got booted off the Travel Channel in the first place. With "The Man" off their backs, they can do whatever they want. If the producers really want to produce, and the creators really want to create, and they've actually got something vital to say, they'd find a way to get "Triple Rush" in front of people. They'd project it onto the walls at dive bars; they'd put it on public access; they'd do a live action version in Washington Square Park with mimes. Sure, to their credit they are putting clips on the Internet, but those clips are only making me happy it was cancelled:

Bike Messengers vs Pedestrians from Triple Rush on Vimeo.

"I have three classifications of problem pedestrians," declares this rider:


"You've got your deer in the headlights," he then explains over footage of a rider who runs a red light:


Skids stupidly as he approaches the crosswalk:


And then almost nails somebody:

"You could be a mile away and they see you and freeze," says the rider of these so-called "problem pedestrians," despite the fact that by standing stock-still the pedestrian is actually doing him a favor. What would he prefer when he's blowing through an intersection, a defensive tackle? Has urban cycling really devolved to the point where people can no longer avoid stationary objects?

The next type of pedestrian he complains about is the "moonwalker, you know, who for some reason runs backwards:"

Yes, once again, here's a pedestrian doing something incredibly stupid: attempting to board a bus at a bus stop in a bus lane, and then not even taking the time to turn around so he can get out of the way of the idiot messenger who should know better than to ride on the inside of a bus in a bus lane in front of a bus stop.

Lastly he complains about the "Whack-a-mole:"

Which the producers illustrate by using a clip from a video they pulled off the Internet.

Basically then, messengers resent people who go to extreme lengths to give them the right of way, even though they don't have it. They also don't like being stereotyped:

"Whatever the image people have of messengers that's not how we see ourselves, we take it very seriously:"

Maybe if he doesn't want to be stereotyped he shouldn't talk to the producers of "Triple Rush," because my image of messengers is now that they're a bunch of people who spend a lot of time in slings and have no idea how to ride their bikes. Also, while he has "three classifications of problem pedestrians," I have three classifications of self-entitled hipsters:

1) Hipsters who don't work at all;

2) Hipsters who pretend to work by taking on fake "lifestyle jobs" in major cities;

3) Hipsters who once pretended to work by taking on fake "lifestyle jobs" in major cities but who have since burned out and moved to pretend cities like Portland.

I'd peg the pedestrian hater as a #2 who's well on his way to becoming a #3.

Speaking of Portland, a reader has recently forwarded me this monumentally smug Kickstarter pitch:


As a bit of an amateur smugness enthusiast myself I enjoyed this, though honestly I'm not sure how it qualifies as a sales pitch, since I thought pretty much everyone in Portland had some sort of hand-fabricated bike trailer and either plays or has a child who plays an inconveniently large musical instrument. I also found this image quite thought-provoking:

Obviously using a folding bike for heavy-duty load "portaging" is extra smug and imparts on the portager all sorts of "smugness cred." However, he's also carrying a bike box, and I also believe that "portaging" doesn't count towards your smugness cred if what is portaged is simply more bicycle stuff--and this is true no matter how large the load. Portaging organic groceries or human children is smug, but portaging those new wheels or another bicycle is merely the smugness equivalent of "junk miles." Of course, I have no way of knowing if there's actually a bike in that bike box, but if there is then the load does not count in any way towards his smugness calculation.

The same is also true of recreational riding, which cannot be smug, though it can be "epic." That's why randonneuring is a completely smug-free enterprise, no matter how "epic" it may be, and even though it's finally getting some attention from the New York Times:


Indeed, the reporter even took part in a so-called "brevet," though he fell to pieces after a mere 37 miles:

The Princeton 120 gave just a taste of the experience: By the time I pulled into the first checkpoint, or contrĂ´le, at about 37 miles, where riders got their time cards stamped and a hot bite to eat, my fingers were so stiff I had trouble holding a spoon.

Apparently it was raining, and clearly the reporter subscribes to the non-epic "if it rains take the bus" philosophy. As they say in the randonneuring world, "Brevety is the soul of wet." (Or maybe it's "Wetness is the soul of brevety." Or "Moisture is the essence of wetness." Or something.)

Presumably after filing this report the writer went to cover a wine tasting and proceeded to pass out after having half a glass of merlot.

67 comments:

Jasper said...

Early doors

g-roc said...

...

SLAM said...

Relaps!

SLAM said...

Relaps!

Bad Lawyer said...

top ten!

yogisurf said...

tOP 10

Mellow Yellow said...

how dare you not mention the naked ride of epic smugness, wetness, and triple rushing!

5pm East River Park at Delancey June 11

Anonymous said...

Top ten, baby! Oh Yeah!

dcee604 said...

Let me in the top ten!

hermesheels said...

magnetically morphed into top 10?

Anonymous said...

Scrodium

Anonymous said...

top 15?
-FB

Udder said...

I have a great idea for hipsters who think they are tough and want to be on a reality TV show- get a real job on one of the crab boats on "Deadliest Catch."

Nogocyclist said...

I would have been here sooner, but I had to walk here.

studioe said...

If they had a real job, they wouldn't be able to partake in worthless commentary, where response time trumps the actual content of the curated fonts.

PS Who's the recumbabe?

Anonymous said...

Please keep the triple rush of smug naked wetness at home where it belongs. Or, you'll get crabs... or something.

Daddy O'Pod said...

There is no "I" in pereopod.

Lob Bless.

Anonymous said...

Ladies!!!!!!!

Papa O'Pod said...

I am not a clerical

There IS an "I" in Pereiopod.

http://crustacea.nhm.org/glossary/define.html?termID=557

Lob Bless.

Pops O'Pod said...

Tony Pereira

Pereiopod

Is he from a family line of priests or something?

Triple Flush!

Matt DeBlass said...

I can't be sure, but I think I may have just found an alternate-angle photo of TTTSWRFFTPT! I followed one of the links on the NYT story out of morbid curiousity and found this http://manofthehouse.com/gadgets/sports/how-to-buy-a-road-bike

Terre Haute Karl said...

The bike box he is portaging seems to have a bunch of tape across the top. Based on that, I am going to assume the box has something other than the original bike in it. I think he may actually be due some extra smugness points for re-using while portaging.

Nogocyclist said...

BSNYC, I figured you would have mentioned the kid in the "M.O.M." video at 2:19. He is so impressed with the bike trailer guy he started to try to moon him as he rode by on his folding bike with the M.O.M.

The boy stopped short of fully exposing his rear. He either realized he was on camera, or he may have just realized he started a little too late.

Either way, very fitting gesture to give someone for being just too smug.

Terre Haute Karl said...

@Matt DeBlass, you're right that appears to be TTTSWRFFTPT. He now appears to be taking the amateur porn approach and only showing himself from the neck down in hopes of not being recognized.

Marcel Da Chump said...

In my bike messenger days there were no smiley, smug hipsters. Totally different world today.

hillbilly said...

TRIP LWUS

Dislexic Doesnt Dislikesit said...

I thought it said pierced vulva! highlited in blue to click for a view and my stomach3 dropped!!!

Twistyface said...

The trailer is a great idea: just think of the variety of artisanally crafted cupcakes/pies/squirrelritos/ hogroasts that could be curated with one of those.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Mandoneurring said...

Brevety is the soul of wet." (Or maybe it's "Wetness is the soul of brevety."

Shouldn't it technically be Brevetry?

AHYSYS - All You Hipsters, Save Your Show!

Anonymous said...

That triple rush video makes me mad angry mad. idiots.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

I think triple rush was replaced with a more relevant and current show about armor smithers.

grog said...

Smoked Lobster Pot on Wednesday with Recumbabe dipped in Butter.

crosspalms said...

@mandonneuring

or, as they said of Maverick, "Revelry is the soul of Brett."

Etherhuffer said...

Randonneuring is indeed anti-smug, unless you brag about it. I was going to try a brevet, but instead went to Portland for some bodypierceing and general mutilation. Slept in a ditch with some other Portland self mutilators. Woke up pierced, wet, and tattooed. Felt just like a brevet to me.

Anonymous said...

My favorite part of all of this is the comment on the "Save Triple Rush" Facebook page that calls the show "an awesome piece of cinema." We really are doomed as a species.

yo, dooshburns on market street said...

to the fred with all new equipment, a chrome bag and dooshtastic mickey dolenz side-burns: thanks for explaining at the red light crossing market what getting "doored" means. i had no idea the world was such a dengerous place. your advice was sound, and i'm sure much sought after as you seem to glow with an aura of "if it involves cycling i know more than you, and MUST teach you, even if i must follow you for several blocks to do it, THAT is how valuable my wisdom is to you"... I don't know to express how much i appreciate your targeting me for your unsolicited insight, wisdom and perpsective on how i should ride the same route i've ridden in rain and shine for the last 4 years without incident. i have advice for you: become a lecturer on "how to urban bicycle my way"... thank you thank you thank you (walking backwards, head bowed, avoiding eye contact, rotating right hand in small circles>

someguy said...

He can't be seriously complaining about a "whack-a-mole" while salmoning, can he?

Anonymous said...

Recommend me to the Lobster in the Sky
That's where I'm gonna go when I die
When I die and they lay me to rest
I'm gonna go to the place that's the best

Norman Greenbaum said...

@ Anon 2:44 - I swear to Lob if you use my lyrics again I will turn the Wrath Of Hipsterdom on your plagiarizing ass!!

mikeweb said...

Lobageddon is near.

db said...

Lobageddon is near.

Oh, it gets worse. Much worse.

Anonymous said...

@ Norman Greenbaum 2:59

I swear to Lob my verses were divinely inspired (or red wine inspired, take your pick).

D'Jew don't have the monopoly on supernatural revelation there, Moshe.

Anonymous said...

FWIW... The show wasn't cancelled.

Norman Greenbaum said...

@ anon 3:37 Alec Baldwin, and Fred Ward still owe me for use of that song, so unless you would like an ice pick to the back of your knee caps, I suggest you cease and desist!

Anonymous said...

Totally disagree with you, Snobby. What better way to show the TV executives that people like a show than by writing and protesting when it gets yanked?! Freedom of speech.

I think it's actually pretty smart of the producers to rally the audience around their show. Free publicity -- look what you're doing to help their cause (I found out about it after your early rants against the show -- and hell, I really liked it).

I hope the producers keep doing shit like this and you keep writing about it. Brilliant!

-Chris

Anonymous said...

Snob,

I'm misreading either the NY Times article or your blog. I thought the NY Times writer turned arouind at mile 37 and finished the 74 mile (120 kilometer) ride. You seem to be saying the writer quit.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

My problem with "If it rains, take the bus." is that my commute is so un-epic that assuming there was a bus to take, (which there isn't) taking the bus would still be more epic than riding my commute in the rain.

Anonymous said...

Hey Nebraska, don't it lightning when it rains up there? It sure as hell does done here in DFW. That shit gets epic right away....

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

@Anon, 5:12; Agreed, active lightning is Rapha-class epic, but the times that there is active lightning during either of my daily 7 minute commuting windows are surprisingly few; sometimes many years apart. If there is active lightning, I will take my car. If it's freezing rain, I walk. If the snow gets above 3 inches, I'll drive. If it's expected to get above 7 inches, I'll walk.

I used to ride in all conditions except active lightning, but some things that used to be adventures and welcome tests of bike handling skills are now just a pain in the ass and/or one small mistake away from 8 to 12 unpaid weeks away from work.

David said...

Screw Triple Rush! One reason it got canceled, I'm guessing, was that it concentrated too much on fake drama between riders and dispatchers. As if "reality" TV didn't have enough fake drama. Tell us about bikes. Tell us about crashes. Tell us about the real reasons people risk their lives and capacity to consume intoxicants and snack foods for very little money. I'm guessing so they can earn the money for intoxicants and snack foods. So to heck with the show. Save BikeSnobNYC! Who should have his own show, since he travels to Portland via transcendental bike-meditation.

Jeff Spicoli said...

No one noticed the organizer in the NYT article is named Mr. Hand?

Anonymous said...

Seconding the previous commenter who pointed out that you, um, didn't actually read or understand the NYT piece. Too proud to acknowledge your mistake?

LK said...

I was on that ride and in a car.....and I can say, sadly, you are too sour grapes. The Brevet dorks (yes, all of them) actually deserve credit.

You should eat some humble pie.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snobby,
aren't you coming out with a book soon?! and I suppose you are you going to avoid promoting it? Hey it's for money I suppose, and in the end my friend you, you're going to be exploiting the messengers and more so - cyclists. Karma is a bitch. just keeping you real, see you here in Austin.

But seriously, I do like your shit. good luck on book!

-dylan d

bikesgonewild said...

...to address a concern of bsnyc/pdx/sfo/rtms from a previous post - we knew it all along, wiener's wiener was the one...

...full admission with the prerequisite "...but hey, other than showing my dick to young women i don't really know & a few sleazy phone calls here n' there, i hope you understand that i'm a man of integrity as i serve my constituency..."...

...ya, ya, no doubt...we can see you're just sayin'...

Esteemed Commentator DaddoOne said...

I'm going to hunt that fuckin' Yankee cap wearing DOUCHBAG down, slap him in fuckin' face, twist that fuckin' sling till he screams and ride my 40 pound Raleigh over his fuckin' head.

Then I'll figure out some way to hurt him.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for teaching me where my uvula is, my mom always told me not to let anyone touch it and now I know why.

Eric Lowe said...

That 'messenger' could have been drawn by Walt Disney.

Looks like either Chip or Dale

ashcroftchops said...

The messenger guy with the arm sling has made me mad. I would like to put his other arm in a sling.......... Please!

cramitsucko said...

Isn't Len the same whiny little fuck ass that pulled your link off his blog after his bike got stolen?

cramitsucko said...

@Papa O'Pod, what's this about Tony? He came from pear farmers, that is what him name is all about, although many of us have made some dark confessions to him. And I've had my cock out in his kitchen, in front of 20 people. But it's pears, not priests.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You are such a fucking idiot. You have no idea how hard some of these guys guys work. Sometimes you can't pay your bills or your medical bills and you need to think about doing shitty things like be on a reality tv show to be able to get by doing the job you love. Some people get hurt in their lines of work. I'm sure you would understand if you broke a nail and couldn't do your job as the Gossip Girl of the bike world.

Anonymous said...

Way to go ripping apart someone with a real job who actually puts himself out there. So you're not anonymous anymore.... who the fuck is Eben Weiss? Oh who gives a shit.

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Fixie Bikes said...

You sound like a pastafarian.