Thursday, May 5, 2011

Putting the "Rad" in Radiant: Now You See Me, Now You Really See Me

There are rare beings who move through life and the world with grace, elegance, and aplomb. Buddha, Jesus, Gandhi, Steve "The Gute" Guttenberg--these are people who transcend the mundane, and for whom the petty desires, concerns, and temptations in which the rest of us are mired are as immaterial as the ether. One has only to read the Beatitudes or watch the first three "Police Academy" movies to appreciate and be inspired by their enlightenment.

As for the rest of us, we spend most of our lives groping blindly, like adulterers searching desperately for our underpants in a darkened bedroom when we hear a car pulling into the driveway. If we're lucky, we may accidentally lay our hands on something that doesn't burn, sting, or zap us. We may not be able to fully comprehend it in our blindness, but we can generally sense its contours, and it may even be enough to help us orient ourselves and impart some sense of direction to our wanderings.

For some of us, this object is a bicycle, and I can credit my riding on, maintenance of, and appreciation for this machine for the precious few truths I've managed to discover about life, such as:

--The simplest solution is usually the most elegant one. Consider this. Then, consider this;

--You can buy status, but sucking is immutable. After a certain point, upgrading only makes you suck more ostentatiously;

--Time is elastic. A 20-minute ride can infuse your entire day with joy. Likewise, an hour on a tri bike in a mankini can feel like an enternity of humiliation and torture;

--"Steel is real," but other materials are not. This is why a speeding Buick will kill you, but an aluminum Audi A8 or a carbon fiber Formula 1 car is completely harmless. By extension, "fixies" are Zen, which is why a Buddhist monk wins Monstertrack every single year;

--The things you own end up owning you. I learned this when an old mountain bike I had tried to sell me on Craigslist.

All of this is to say nothing of what the bicycle has taught me about myself. It has revealed to me my physical and mental limitations (many), my talents and abilities (I can blow saliva bubbles), and helped me to discover my calling (mobile human-powered sperm collector). It's even allowed me to forge profoundly rewarding friendships and relationships that will last a lifetime (but only when used this way, of course). Nevertheless, there's still one glaring problem I have with the act of bicycle cycling:

It's too hard to see me when I'm doing it.

Fortunately, a reader has informed me that one entrepreneur has come to the rescue by manufacturing the brightest cycling jersey the world has ever seen. And when I say "seen," I mean it in the burn-the-eyes-right-out-of-your-head-like-you're-staring-at-a-solar-eclipse-through-binoculars sense of the word. Here it is:

Sure, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "That jersey may make me look like I'm a domestique on Team Starburst® Fruit Chews, but I've seen louder and more seizure-inducing jerseys." Oh yeah? Well, as they say in the streetz, you better check yourself before you wet yourself, because look at this:



Did you see how "electric blue" guy just disappeared in the shadows cast by the trees? He was like a ninja, whereas the other guy in the See Me Wear flourescently flambullient freakout jersey stood out like an anti-ninja, or a blacklight poster, or a circus clown who's been injected with luminescent dye and then set on fire. So visible is this jersey that I now only wear my now-outmoded "3 Feet Please" jam when my See Me Wear is in the wash:


Not only is the "3 Feet Please" not bright enough, but I also need to purchase a new jersey if I ever venture into Canada:


By the way, speaking of washing, don't ever put your See Me Wear in a standard washing machine. The fluorescent dyes coupled with the intensity of the radiant light will destroy most household appliances in short order, and for that reason you should always clean yours ultrasonically.

Also, even though you'll be eminently visible, you still shouldn't ever ride your bike at night:

You'd think that it would be after dark that the retina-searing properties See Me Wear jersey would really come into their own, but apparently not. I guess the makers subscribe to the "If it rains take the bus" philosophy of cycling.

Meanwhile, one rider who's not having problems with visibility is the time-traveling t-shirt-wearing retro-Fred from the planet Tridork, who of late has been making the bike show rounds. Not only did a Tweeterer spot him at the New Amsterdam Bicycle Show:


But a reader in the employ of the Electra bicycle producing concern (purveyors of fine Fauxendells such as the Ticino) has also spotted him at the Shanghai Bicycle Show, both here:

And here:

Sure, these aren't the best exhibits anybody has ever seen at an Asian bicycle show, as that award would almost certainly go to the infamous "Testicles Relaxing" display:

Nevertheless, I find the TTTSWRFFTPTD's eternal presence reassuring, so to know that he was selling two products simultaneously at a single bike show allows me to maintain what little faith I have in the universe. In fact, the TTTSWRFFTPTD is well on his way to becoming the international symbol for cycling, just as this is the international symbol for radiation or this is the international symbol for triathlon, and if I can scrounge up an appropriate prize I may very well hold a contest for the person who best renders him in international symbol form.

Speaking of prizes, in closing, I should mention that you can help support a good cause by entering a drawing for a Pereira singlespeed 29er mountaining bicycle:

As someone who once finished in the top-200 (barely) of an ironic singlespeed mountain bike world championship, I know a thing or two about singlespeed 29ers. (Actually, I really only know one thing, which is that I suck at riding mountain bikes.) Still, this doesn't change the fact that you might as well enter. After all, you might win, and who wouldn't want to suck ostentatiously for only $10?

96 comments:

Twistyface said...

Win?

Anonymous said...

first!

Twistyface said...

Yay, Win!

Anonymous said...

third

Anonymous said...

fifth

Anonymous said...

fif

Anonymous said...

sixth

Anonymous said...

First non-doper.

Anonymous said...

oh fuck it

Anonymous said...

Zap

le Correcteur said...

top ten top ten top ten damn!

mikeweb said...

1 Furlong Please!

Anonymous said...

12th the training really paid off.

cycle

Banvil said...

I've sucked for less.

Anonymous said...

--The things you own end up owning you. I learned this when an old mountain bike I had tried to sell me on Craigslist.

Pure gold Snobby!

cycle

samh said...

I can finally relax my testicles.

ervgopwr said...

Revenge of the Fifth!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Holy crap those Copenhagen bake feet chicks are HOT HOT HOT!

I've got a semi.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Paul Bowen said...

toptwennee!

Anonymous said...

so did you relax the snobsticles?

Also, is that an advert for make-up on the top left? cuz i need some new lipsticks.

Paul Bowen said...

guh

I am the yabbies engine said...

yabbies relaxing in OZ, I am sure

Brian said...

"...a circus clown who's been injected with luminescent dye and then set on fire"

Where can I buy a ticket to see THAT?!

Twistyface said...

Is there a prize for the first pic of TTTSWRFFTPTD relaxing his testicles whilst wearing an eyestrain jersey?

Anonymous said...

I can think of one group for whom the EclipseGoer, or whatever the hell they're calling it, would have instant appeal: hemorrhoid sufferers whose preferred embrocation substance has become generic Preparation H.

mikeweb said...

When I close my eyes, I picture the day when the ASO finally mandates that the Tour de France be raced on ElliptiGOs.

My money's on the guy in the 'maillot vert' on the black one. He knows how to get aero.

Anonymous said...

Epileptics Association of America is filing a class action against the 'See Me Wear' guy...

Anonymous said...

Sadly, Snob, I think a lot of people subscribe to the "If it rains take the bus" philosophy of cycling. Yesterday, here in Washington (the overstuffed toilet kit of NYC), there was a steady rain during both rush hours, and I only saw about 5-10 other bicycle commuters total (compared to beautiful weather Monday, when there were 5-10 per block).

Anonymous said...

Since a meter is 3.2something-something-something feet, shouldn't the Canadian version say 2.9 Feet Please?

crosspalms said...

Or it could just say "move over, eh?"

In first graph, Gandhi

Buffalo Bill said...

My jersey says 0.914 metres please, but most motorists can't estimate distances to the millimetre so they round it off to to somewhere near toofuckingclose.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of the Pereira singlespeed 29er mountaining bicycle: aren't RockShox forks on a bike with no shocks a little excessive?

Marcel Da Chump said...

So, that's what it's like to ride a bike in a city and not have to look over one's shoulder every few seconds...amazing!

Paul Bowen said...

Snobby, any chance this one could be your standard '3 feet please' pic?

Anonymous said...

All I need --
ashtray, paddle game, remote control, matches, & this lamp.

mikeweb said...

@paul bowen:

I second that.

Anonymous said...

I have something to confess. I rode an organized mass-start event up Mt Diabolique (Americas Shivas Breast) and when I was congratulating myself for making it up without crying too much I noticed the mass of riders waiting patiently for the escorted descent. Right there in front were TWO (2)/DEAUX riders of the ElliptiGough!

Kenny Banya said...

I passed two helmetless ElliptiGo riders on the Catalina Highway to Mt. Lemmon. They turned around at the base of the mountain, and then I noticed they had no provisions to fix a flat. As a true Fred, I only mock what I don't understand.

Kenny Banya said...

...but they did look smug in their roomy, comfy sweatpants.

Anonymous said...

PMT bicycles.....

" Look, just bloody buy one, ok? And sod off!"

hey nonny mouse.

Anonymous said...

Anon at 1:05 p.m., I noticed the same phenomenon in DC yesterday... but I'm not sad at all. Paths all to myself, plenty of space at the bike rack, and it didn't rain on the way home.

Take the bus, people.... please!

Bad Lawyer said...

"As for the rest of us, we spend most of our lives groping blindly, like adulterers searching desperately for our underpants in a darkened bedroom when we hear a car pulling into the driveway. If we're lucky, we may accidentally lay our hands on something that doesn't burn, sting, or zap us. We may not be able to fully comprehend it in our blindness, but we can generally sense its contours, and it may even be enough to help us orient ourselves and impart some sense of direction to our wanderings."

Snob, this may well be the most inspired metaphors I've encountered online . . . well, at least today.

Thanks for the visual.

Anonymous said...

Twelve laps please!

Anonymous said...

Ah, c'mon. Let's not beat about the bush, so to speak. It's the cyclist's ass on a bicycle that catches the driver's eye. I want these colors in race-fit spandex shorts!

Marcel Da Chump said...

Snob, amen to Bad Lawyer's literary critique. You definitely tapped into the muse on that one. Have you been reading H.L Mencken?

Eurasian_War_Vet said...

Add Bob "the bobcat" Goldthwait to your list of super-heroes.

Not only did he support "The Gute" in an awful movie franchise, he's making strange and 'love it'/'hate it' films for next to nothing.

I think you missed this gem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=juMXlr5_cpU&NR=1
Check out the optics on that Party Clown.

Dee Pthroat said...

I paid $10 for an ostentatious suck once, and lemme tell you: you get what you pay for!

Anonymous said...

NICE BUNS

bikesgonewild said...

...ahhh, my, my, my, that is so good !!!...are my testicles relaxed or what ???...

g-roc said...

Don't ride at night. If it rains, take the bus. I'm one more excuse from being sold on craigslist by my bike.

Snob, see if Hanes will toss you a yellow t-shirt so you can get that contest rolling.

Anonymous said...

The fact that bakefeet girls are hot proves it's Not really about the bike.

They would look good on my ghetto mountain bike, or in a Chevy Chevette, take your pick.

Anonymous said...

Fauxendell :-D

Anonymous said...

Speaking of DC, I rode to work today through 5 lights and didn't have a single rider shoal in front of me. WTF?

Will Handsfield said...

As a hobbyist Canadian legal scholar, it's my duty to inform you that your Canadian jersey is out of compliance with Canadian law.

To comply, you must also add: un mètre s'il vous plaît

and: distance de sécurité

in equally prominent, equally sized font.

I just hope this advice is prompt enough to avoid an incident with mounted Canadian authorities.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

@Eurasian_War_Vet; I'm pretty sure we've seen that one before. I don't remember that particular soundtrack attached to it though. Seems appropriate somehow.

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

@BGW; I really don't want to know anything more about your testicles... please.

Contented testicles said...

I, on the other hand, can't hear enough. Tell me more, bgw

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

My testicles are very relaxed when I'm riding my recumbent.

PhilboydStunge said...

Hey everbody, Snobby's in Rivendell Reader 43. Looking very handsome and relaxed too.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

When confronted to PMT, one definitly needs some testicles relaxation...

Anonymous said...

Mounted Canadians have relaxed testicles, something difficult to achieve if bike commuting in Nebraska.

bikesgonewild said...

...@Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition)...

...please turn your head & cough while i tell 'Contented testicles' that my boys are like little smiling buddhas...

...the bodhisattva's of bicycling balls...

Marcel Da Chump said...

contented testicles
relaxed testicles
smilin' testicles
I know what it's like to get kicked in the balls
and I'm having an awful flashback.

jdlvtrn said...

what mom always told you: make sure you're wearing clean underwear and dayglo jerseys just in case you end up in the emergency room.

bikesgonewild said...

...marcel da chump...ummm, i would a' suggested ice but, well, there's an upside & a downside, ya ???...

Anonymous said...

AYHRMT!

Bad Lawyer said...

RCT claims "My testicles are very relaxed when I'm riding my recumbent."

True, true. The only problem RCT, you're riding a recumbent.

Marcel Da Chump said...

bgw,
...ya!!! I still cringe at the thought...and then a knowing smile.

Anonymous said...

My testicles are very relaxed when they are resting on your wife's chin!!!

Oh SNAP!!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

@bad lawyer
Nah not a problem. It's a fine German recumbent. heavy, but well engineered it'll be around forever. No walnut dashboard though.

Anonymous said...

Make sure, that if you relax your testicles on a recumbent, you have enough "ground clearance".

Kelly said...

The cycling bicyclist symbol on the SEE ME WEAR seems to be modeled on the TTTSWRFFTPTD (out of the saddle pose) or vice versa. Either way it's very disturbing that the TTTSWRFFTPTD is seeping into our collective consciousness.

Anonymous said...

Kenny Banya...get some sweat pants. I like to call them jungle dick pants.
Totally worth the investment of a five dollar coffee drink and a tight fisted handjob...elbows up, hands behind the head.

-angry dragon

Anonymous said...

So I thought BGW was a fluffer and then Marchel outfluffs BGW.
Do you guys ride bikes in the city or just ride 'bridges' to far off places?

-angry dragon

John said...

"Fluorescent." U before O except when baking.

Anonymous said...

Hey ASSDRAGON,

Maybe you should post your real name and not be a coward.
I watch Fox news because they are on it every second of the day.
I am sure you cowardly post things there as well.
If any of you guys need to get ahold of me I am in cell cinco in North Carlolina hanging out with Neil Brown.
This man has one brown eye and doesnt fluff anyone.

Adam Yohonisan

PawnShop said...

The latest in Fakerjack accessories: artisanal chainsaws.

"The interplay of simple modern forms and integration of textural materials creates a new aesthetic for tools in used in the outdoor domain."

And suddenly, my testicles are tense and nervous, and they can't relax.

Tyler's Chimera said...

I'm looking for investors to help fund my great bikeing/fun/humanitarian idea. 'Le Gran Fondue' wherein you dip your machine in warm swiss cheese and then allow street people to lick off the cheese mon. If interested contact Lloyd Flandis, Rue de la Doped Up Douche' Bag, Frogglandia.

g-roc said...

Tyler,

Liking the fondue, but not so much into "bikeing". Got anything that involves bicycle cycling? I really like bicycle cycling - and cheese. Gooey, gooey cheese.

Anonymous said...

Hi
A male friend at work was talking about this website and I am a little confused.
Is this a male only website?
Are the people that comment real or do they have fakey lives and are chameleon tricksters?

I am a dental hygienist and know more about people prior to the autopsy report, however you guys all seem like you are still on Ken Kesey's bus.

If so I guess good on you.

Flow

DavidS said...

Your opening was one of the best in a long time - THANKS!!

Fillet-O-Fish said...

"fillet-brazed", isn't that something that's done to a Chilean Sea Bass?

Marcel Da Chump said...

anon 5:18am,
my respect for dental hygienists has increased tremendously.

angry dragon,
the source of your anger?
incest? Child abuse? 40 year virginity? Small endowment?
it's endless, probably. Just wish you'd deal with it already and stop projecting your pain. Best of luck, seriously.

SeeMeWear said...

Thanks for the mention! We like the comment idea about the spandex pants, ha, we'll put that one into future production ideas. - Earle

Anonymous said...

here he is again http://www.gransoleil.it/homepage.php
retro tri dork bottom left corner

Anonymous said...

easy with the boobs and butts! Wont be reading at work much longer (ie not reading at all) if there are anymore.

John said...

https://www.missionbicycle.com/store/hiplok-wearable-lock

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Fixie Bikes said...

You really like that one biker dude