Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Paring Down and Pairing Up: It's Not the Size of Your Load, It's How You Portage It

In today's logo-happy, brand-worshipping, status-mongering world, it can be increasingly difficult to distinguish yourself as a successful person. Sure, it may feel good to deck your bike out with Dura Ace, but what happens when someone rolls up with electronic Dura Ace? That first class airplane seat may feel comfy, but it's a bird dropping-covered park bench compared to the luxury of a Gulfstream cabin. And what about that sweet Bentley you're parking in the bike lane? Enjoy it while you can, for your feelings of superiority will suddenly become pangs of inferiority when you're passed by a Bentley covered in "vintage" $10,000 bills and powered by an engine that runs on polar bear blood, baby's tears, and Dom Perignon champagne.

Clearly, material status is an arms race you can't win. So what do you do? Well, wealthy American douchebags are increasingly figuring out that the answer is to "flip the script" and try to have less crap than everyone else instead. After all, if you have enough money you don't really need anything, since luxury and fulfillment is always just a credit card swipe away. This new form of 21st century reverse opulence is called "minimalism," and it seems hardly a day goes by without the media fawning over some quazi-Zen "bizarro" P-Diddy. The latest one is some "entrepreneur" named Andrew Hyde, whose clame to faim is that he only owns 15 things:


Unless you're totally "Wednesday weeded" out, you probably noticed that he's easily got more than 15 things with him in the photo:

And that's not even counting the additional crap he's wearing on his actual body.

Giving him the benefit of the doubt, I listened to as much of the ABC News Radio interview with him that I could stomach, and I learned that like most minimalists he has something of a creative bent when it comes to counting stuff. For example, he counts his toiletry kit as one thing, regardless of how much stuff is actually in it. By the way, here's a picture of his toiletry kit:

It contains 1,500lbs of dental floss, a full living room set, and a Mini Cooper.

Of course, this is America (Canada's overstuffed toiletry kit), and if wealthy people want to douchefy couch-surfing in the same way they've douchefied fixies and axes and anything else with a veneer of "authenticity" then that's their Lob-given right. Still, I've been watching a lot of "Sesame Street" lately, and I think I've got a pretty good handle on this whole counting thing. If Big Bird is learning how to count with apples, and he has six of them, he just admits he has six apples. He doesn't try to rationalize having too many apples by saying, "Well, I always keep my apples in an artisanal canvas fruit sack, so I really just count all my apples as one thing." If Big Bird were to pull a stunt like that I'd full expect Cookie Monster to kick him square in the "pants yabbies." Someone should really hand this Andrew Hyde guy a sippy-cup and sit his ass down in front of a TV for a few hours so he can get reacquainted with simple arithmetic. Come back to me when you're wearing a burlap sack and you've got nothing but a begging bowl and maybe then I'll be impressed.

Still, we could all do with less crap, so in the spirit of minimalism I've officially reduced my total number of possessions to zero things. This was easier than it sounds. All I did was form a corporation called the BSNYC/RTMS Holding Company, transfer all my assets and possessions to that company, and assign ownership of that company to my helper monkey, Vito. Then, I simply leased all my stuff back from him at a rate of one cent per annum. Not only do I get to say I don't own anything, but my lifestyle also hasn't changed at all. Plus, the best part is that Vito assumes all my tax liability.

Speaking of acquiring possessions, I recently received a press release for a bold and exciting new shoe:

A cross over between a sneaker and a boat shoe, the Veja Mediterranée style features an organic cotton canvas and a wild Amazonian rubber vulcanised sole.

I've been looking for a new "fixie"-riding shoe and a "collabo" between a sneaker and a boat shoe sounds like just the thing I need. I figure a shoe designed to keep me planted to the deck during a squall should me more than sufficient to help me maintain traction during my elephant trunk skidz. The fact that it also has a "wild Amazonian rubber vulcanised sole" and a brand name that looks like it could be pronounced "veejay" is just a bonus, and I'm sure my Mediterranean Vajayjays will look great with my Levi's cycling clothes:

You've doubtless heard by now that Levi's has been working on a cycling-specific Canadian tuxedo, and a reader was kind enough to forward me this Coolhunting post--which, as he points out, is most noteworthy in that they clearly couldn't figure out the integrated u-lock holder:

In any case, it was only a matter of time before Levi's realized that people are so determined to ride racing bicycles slowly that they'd prefer to buy specially-cut street clothes rather than just simply ride more comfortable city bikes, and that people like this need more wardrobe options:

(Serotta owner commuting to dental school.)

Either that, or they've not only figured it out but have since bought Dutch bikes and become so smug about it that they need to form clubs, as in this Craigslist post forwarded by another reader:


Calling all Batavus riders! (have Dutch bike, will travel....)
Date: 2011-05-01, 8:23AM EDT
Reply to: [Deleted]

Calling all Batavus riders! (have Dutch bike, will travel....)

Do you feel special as you pass other cyclists, perched extra-high and confident in the feeling that the stability and presence of your Dutch beauty provides a certain security -- from potential vehicle side-swipes and other cyclists on regular, mundane bikes -- that is only afforded us Batavus riders? Of course you do - and such elitism deserves celebration!

Which is why 'Batavus Uber Alles Toronto' wants you! BUAT needs you!

Check us out on Facebook:

Hope to see you soon!



If this is a Dutch bike club I'm not sure why its name is in German, but then again I'm not Canadian and as such I have a hard time comprehending subtlety and nuance.

Meanwhile, there's nothing subtle about riding the Five Boro Bike Tour on a bicycle without a saddle or seatpost, as photographed by yet another reader:

I'm not sure what kind of bike that is--maybe it's a Softride and someone made off with his crabon fiber beam.

By the way, as the World's Largest Fred Ride, the Five Boro Bike Tour has predictably generated innumerable "Missed Connection" posts, like this one:


Banana Girl in the 5 Boro Bike Tour - m4w (Brooklyn)
Date: 2011-05-01, 7:33PM EDT

You were doling out bananas at the Flushing rest area for the 5 Boro Bike Tour earlier today. I'm almost certain you noticed me looking at you. However, I was with a friend and you were on the job - so I couldn't quite screw up the courage to talk to you. You have dirty blond hair and striking, blue-gray eyes. I have a moustache, for my own part.

I'd really like to see you again. Drinks? Please get in touch if you see this.

As a bad pun enthusiast I liked the part about "doling out bananas:"


But I especially like that he says he has "a moustache, for my own part." He doesn't say which part, but I think we can infer that when he says he has a mustache for his "part" he means his pubic hair is groomed in this fashion:

I hear all the hipsters are sporting pubic mustaches now, since there's no kind of mustache more ironic than that. In fact, it's probably good enough to get you on TV, judging from this casting call forwarded by yet another reader:

HBO's How To Make It In America looking for featured Hipsters (Manhattan and Brooklyn)
Date: 2011-04-30, 1:48AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Roman Candle Casting is seeking people to portray hipsters on the HBO show "How To Make It In America" starring Brian Greenberg, Victor Rasuk, Lake Bell, and Kid Cudi. So have you ever been called a hipster? Deny being one but own various wardrobe and sport a hairstyle that is considered non-mainstream.? Got any cool tattoos? Have a awesome beard or ironic mustache.? Have some cool vintage dresses? Did you make it to the LCD Soundsystem farewell show or desperately wanted to? If any of these things pertain to you, you're probably just right for the show. Basically we are looking for some cool interesting types to feature on the episode. Looking for model types too.

When submitting please include some candid pictures along with the best phone # to reach you. Also include your availability next week. We are shooting 5/3, 5/4, 5/5, and 5/8. All scenes are specific so if we think you are right for the project we would place you accordingly. We will be shooting in Bushwick and the Lower East Side of Manhattan. If these dates don't work for you there will be other opportunities throughout the season so feel free to submit.

Just don't show up on a track bike, because fixies are totally "out," and Danish sperm bank bikes are totally "in:"


Now that's what I call "load portaging." Too bad he doesn't have a matching sperm-shaped aero helmet. Sure, helmets aren't "cycle chic," but for that I think we can make an exception.


79 comments:

Fred Gilligan said...

Frankly, I'm very disappointed. I searched Google for "crabon fibre bikes" and found this site, but there are not enough crabon fibre bike reviews on here.
Sincerely,
Fred Gilligan, Tempe, AZ

aface said...

poduim

Anonymous Coward said...

Podium!

jp said...

top 10!

samh said...

Wednesday, Wednesday.

PAUL said...

Top Hundredth?

Anonymous said...

snobby you're posting earlier and earlier, what gives?

Twistyface said...

Top ten?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

up early cause my baby slept through the night. nice to see your up early too, snobster.

Twistyface said...

Andrew Hyde may own more than 15 things and lie about it, but apparently he is only portaging one arm.

Anonymous said...

That was funny but then I'm easily amused, for my part.

And if I'm not, somebody else usually is.

hey nonny mouse

mikeweb said...

AYHSMSC

crosspalms said...

I do not have a awesome beard or ironic moustache (unless no moustache is ironic -- would somebody please write these rules down so we can follow them?), but I do have various wardrobe and sport a hairstyle that is considered non-mainstream (at least by people who still have hair, which I don't). So I guess I won't be trying out for that HBO thing. But I sure hope the guy with the sperm bank bike does -- I'd watch that.

Twistyface said...

Worst case scenario: sperm bike faceplant?

Anonymous Coward said...

From the no-seat bike guy's website: "Coming Soon: forums, events calendars and news dedicated to aggressive sporting events in and around New York City"

Apparently the Five Boro Bike Tour is an aggressive sporting event.

Mario C. said...

I always wear a "helment" on my "little banana"

Poppadaddio said...

The Levis jeans are not as minimalist as simply sticking the cell phone into your ass crack.

mikeweb said...

Holy crap! That Vavayjay shoe's website has more Flash than Liberace's wardrobe closet and his jewelry box combined.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Elmo is my favorite muppet. I loved his collabo with Katy Perry a while back.

Bravo on the awesome pun! I didn't catch that one.

Into said...

Hipster moustache = douchetache

Valerie said...

So is the giant sperm on the sperm bank bike also a cooler? Do people just take a few minutes and "donate" wherever they happen to be? Does that count as bike porn? Does the sperm bike guy know the no-seat guy, because he probably has a better sperm count than most cyclists. So many questions...

Kevin from Fort Meyers said...

Miss me?

mikeweb said...

A bunch of those Danish sperm bikes should 'come' to New York City for a race. First one to enter the Hayden Planetarium wins.

Anonymous said...

Dear BSNYC,

The tax shelter you've described is known as a "SILO" (sale in lease out) and in many cases will not be respected for U.S. federal income tax purposes. You may even be required to file a special notice to the IRS with your next return. Vito may be similarly screwed.

******************************************************
IRS Circular 230 Disclosure: Any U.S. tax advice herein (or in any attachments hereto) was not intended or written to be used, and cannot be used, by any taxpayer to avoid U.S. tax penalties. Any such tax advice that is used or referred to by others to promote, market or recommend any entity, plan or arrangement should be construed as written in connection with that promotion, marketing or recommendation, and the taxpayer should seek advice based on the taxpayer's particular circumstances from an independent tax advisor.
*******************************************************

Anonymous said...

Really?!? Nothing about the "Cavendish Bananas" in the photo?

streepo said...

Wouldn't that be sperm bike facial, not faceplant?

Anonymous said...

Panties!

Anonymous said...

http://i55.tinypic.com/33z4cgl.jpg
Frame is steel, he welded it himself. I rode it, it's very strange. The guy was thinking about maybe making it fixed.

Bad Lawyer said...

Bananas!

David said...

The only honest-to-goodness minimalists are the homeless people--if you can count someone who lives in a cardboard (or is it cradboard fribe?) box that's twice as big as it needs to be to hold the homeless person and his/her collection of aluminum cans as a minimalist. More than fifteen cans, and you're definitely not a minimalist.

xyxax said...

AYHSMACFS

Marcel Da Chump said...

I met a Dutch beauty who ripped my heart out and stomped it with her size 11 feet in true Godzilla style. It was worth the agony.

Anonymous said...

Snobby,

Sesame Street is crack for babies. Worse now than 40 years ago.

Humans of all ages loooove the TV. Only it screws with the mind.

Do yourself a huge favor and figure out how to entertain the blobby. Consider it artisanal.

The payoff is a few months from now when the kid isn't as moody as its crack addicted peers.

Substitute Kenny Banya said...

GOLD, Snobby, GOLD!!

grog said...

Big bird has pants yabbies?
WHOK NEW?

Mud said...

And you just made my day! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Snob, here's some raw material for next Wendesday's edition:


"Gluten-free, Raw, Shaman Blessed energy bars. Handmade in Austin, TX. Local food. Organic fruits and nuts. Pemmican. Buffalo Spirit. Thunderbird Energy Bar. Sport nutrition. Compostable wrapper. Go Texan. Energodesiacs."

http://www.thunderbirdenergetica.com/#!collection/vstc7=green-story/vstc3=cacao-hemp-walnut

g said...

Isn't it odd to use the one group of 'individuals' that haven't actually made anything on a show called "How To Make It In America"?

Or is this that "irony" stuff you guys are always talking about?

Bad Lawyer said...

Free moustache rides!

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

I am the sad engine said...

I just want a wild amazonian, forget the shoes.

Death by snu-snu

Anonymous said...

I can RELATE to the Sesame Street stuff! Have a 2-year-old who loves Grover. And the previous comment about TV being crack is non-fucking-sense. My daughter chooses to ride her trike outdoors over TV every time.

Anonymous said...

Dear Serotta Rider/Future Dentist pictured in today's post:

Nothing like mashing your brake to the handlebars to realize brake adjustment/maintenance is at least as important as foppish fashion, huh? Fix that shit, man. However, should you meet a stationary object, your sweet stack of scarves can now double as a neck brace and your classmates can help reconstruct some of your facial features. Here's hoping you look ahead.
Although there is much more to point out in this photo, I will leave it at that.
Thank you; I now feel much better! -Walter Sobchak

Walter S. said...

Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

U.S. AMA OBAMA said...

pOP uPS nOW?

db said...

Does the sperm bike guarantee a happy ending?

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

future dentist said...

oh my god!
I'm late for the root canal lecture
my brakes don't work
these scarves are suffocating me
my legs are cold
is there an app for this?

Anonymous said...

Keep an eye on Vito, lest he convert all the assets of the BSNYC/RTMS Holding Company (net worth=$15) into bananas.

Give it a few more weeks and hipsters will become the ultimate attractive niche in fetish porn, right up there with midgets and amputees.

crosspalms said...

Is a Q an O with a pubic moustache?

Nebraska bike commuter (non-DWI edition) said...

Didn't notice 15 things guy's poor counting skills. Didn't even think to count the possessions surrounding him. This is because I don't acknowledge any kind of importance in his philosophy or even his very existence. Everyone on this planet who does some task I find helpful needs more than 15 things just to do that useful task, let alone make a life for him/herself.

sherpa said...

Love the sperm bike. It would be great to take out on the back trails... ride it through the mud, so to speak. Glad it has fenders, I always ride with protection.

Marcel Da Chump said...

That sperm portager was on his way to service my Dutch Godzilla.

Anonymous said...

Wonder if that sperm bike plays music like an ice cream truck. Porn movie music.

Anonymous said...

Monday we got disembodied mandals and hipster slap boxing

Tuesday brought golden showers in public restrooms

Today we get mustachio'd men hooking up with banana dollers and Danish sperm bikes.

I'm noticing a theme this week. Is tomorrow going to be gladiator movies or Village People revival?

Meknow said...

H ford tried the amazon rubber run too - Fordlandia.

Too easy: fredlandia

Test Tickle said...

I've come to the conclusion that I really don't like Bike To Work Month, Week or Year. The commute was so much better in the rain, just me and my pointless pondering....

balls.

Friendo said...

DOUC HEFY
FROO TSAC
LESS CRAP
VJAY JAYS
DICK TASH
HUGE LOAD

Matt DeBlass said...

Why must all the $200 bike commuter pants come only in "skinny" cuts? How are we big-boned freds going to prove that we're really into bike culture if we have to ride around in Dockers?

The Donald said...

Heck, my Bentley runs on the blood of Death Panels and Cristal!

not Jules said...

The Leather Man was a minimalist. He didn't even have a douche bag, a bag of tricks or an excuse.

Anonymous said...

Couldn't help but notice those are Cavendish bananas. I would be dubious about eating a Manx Missle.

jet said...

Those shoes are copies of Dunlop Volleys which are available in many stores in Australia for about $20

Jack Reacher said...

Hey, I only own the clothes on my back and my Heckler & Koch.

P.J. O'Rourke said...

ALL YOU HELPER MONKEYS, ASSUME MY TAX LIABILITY!

g-roc said...

LMAO at the 15 things guy. As far as Canadian Tuxedos, I can't even begin to get in the nuances of the various dinner jackets assigned to various Canadian towns. Yeah, we're nuanced alright.

Oh, and moustache dude, stay away from the lady with the banana ... unless you're into that kind of thing, in which case, go, um, bananas.

bikesgonewild said...

...care to try our new danish sperm bike with an extra creamy filling ???...

bikesgonewild said...

...the veja mediterranee...a shoe for the 'meh' generation...

...'a cross over between a sneaker & a boat shoe'...they're neither here nor there...

...but they come in 4 colorways, excuse me, 4 colourways, the euro/canuckistan spelling...& they use rainforest products...

...nice...if you're a hipster...

John Latham said...

Minimalists should be forced to use volumetric weight to measure their stuff. What's the point in owning not-much if you can't ship it places?

M. Cavendish said...

You can't eat a Manx Missle, you can only suck it.

right, Andre Greipel?

Anonymous said...

I don't get the drift of celebrating yourself for using a slow and heavy bicycle to cycle around town and of founding a fanclub which owes its name to the Dead Kennedys. It sounds stupid in English and German. From this it's just a small step to mistaking "Dutch" for "deutsch".
But then again: the Netherlands are just the mudflap on the helment that is Ger-meh-NY.
(the Dutch shouldn't take offence: The visor is to the helmet what the brain is to the human body, it's vital).

Maggie Windsor said...

I am pretty sure dentists can't afford Serottas... just a thought.

WanderingJewel said...

Bleeping hilarious!
I've got to get myself one of those helper monkeys.
There is creative accounting so how about creative counting?

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Fixie Bikes said...

That bastard owns sooo much

Anonymous said...

Please tell me the site of the no-seat bike owner?

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