Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Travels Channelled: Emerging from the Fog

If you visited this blog last week, you may have noticed that there were no new posts. This is because I was not in New York and sitting in front of my typewriter like I usually am. (I have an analog-to-digital converter that lets me blog via typewriter for added pretension.) Instead, I was far away in an exotic Land of Smugness.

Before you leap to conclusions, I should point out that this Land of Smugness was not Portland, OR. No, the place I visited was so smug it made Portland seem like Bensonhurst. In fact, within 24 hours of arriving in this Land of Smugness, a complete stranger accused me of bad parenting. This has never even happened to me in Park Slope, which is to parenting as Portland is to cycling, and you'd think the people in this Land of Smugness had never seen a baby playing with a steak knife before. (I wouldn't normally let him play with the cutlery, but he's very edgy since he quit smoking.)

For all its smugness, though, I must say that the bicycle cycling was nothing short of spectacular. I very much enjoy the pastime of bicycle cycling, though I'd nearly forgotten that since I've spent the last few months looking over my shoulder waiting for the cops to bust me for hanging my pocketbook from my handlebars. (I paid over $2,000 for my Givenchy Medium Antigona and I'll hang it wherever I darn well please thankyouverymuch.) Here, however, it was just a few turns before I was bicycle cycling climbingward along exotic dirt trails that were enshrouded in mist:

I hadn't been in a low-visibility situation like this since that time I went to visit awesome Indonesian smoking baby.

Up, up, up went the trail as I continued to climb:
At one point I even saw strange creatures frolicking in the fog:

I couldn't identify them--I know nothing of wildlife and suspected they were either mountain lions or gila monsters--but whatever they were I was reasonably certain they wanted to kill me.

Finally, I reached the top of the climb, and after rummaging through my Givenchy Medium Antigona and reapplying my make-up (ha--"waterproof" mascara my "pants yabbies") I began a long and serpentine descent that finally ended on a mysterious shore:

I set about exploring it, and only then did I put two and two together and realize that the creatures I had seen earlier must have been futuristic ape-people:

"You maniacs!," I cried as I fell to my knees. "You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to Hell!"

But my despair was short-lived, for I suddenly remembered that I had a packet of Bugles in my handbag and their crunchy deliciousness was all I needed to regain my composure.

Finding my cycling bicycle, I returned to the dirt trail and began climbing again, but this time I didn't stop until I was well above the awesome Indonesian smoking baby's cloud:

At this point I felt like I was a million miles (or 1,609,344 kilometers, if you're Canadian or pretentious) away from civilization, and I actually worried that I might not be able to find my way back. But my fear was short-lived, because 15 minutes later I was standing in a driveway with both a Porsche Cayenne and a Prius in it, and 5 minutes after that I was paying way too much for an espresso.

I suppose I'd temporarily forgotten a fundamental rule of modern wilderness survival, which is this: If you're in an area where there are ocean views, it is physically impossible to be more than five miles away from a Whole Foods.

That's the sort of thing they teach you in the Long Island Boy Scouts.

Besides death-defying wilderness prime real estate exploration, I also undertook another expedition during which I "got rad" with none other than radness-monger Stevil Kinevil of All Hail The Black Market. Here is a picture I took of him "getting rad:"

It turns out that Stevil Kinevil is so evil that, when you obscure his eyes, light emanates from his nipples.

Also, speaking of being evil, even though we were in the woods we still managed to find a graffiti mural to stand in front of while we did some urban-style glowering:

I'm glad we found this, but even if we hadn't I always carry an emergency graffiti mural rolled up in my bag. So, had we been forced to, I would have unfurled it and nailed it to a couple of trees and we just would have stood around glowering in front of that one instead. By the way, here's my emergency graffiti mural:

Maybe I can get Mike Giant to make me an "AYHSMB" version, though I don't think he's able to write anything that's not his own last name.

Anyway, when we weren't "getting rad" or glowering we were mixing cheap beer with expensive energy foods:

I should add that it was like 10:30am.

As far as the rest of my travels, I won't trouble you with the details, though at various points I saw people training for bike polo:


This struck me as being sort of sad--training for bike polo seems like the equivalent of a frat boy practicing his shotgunning technique with cans of seltzer.

I also saw a cargo bike that makes my Surly Big Dummy look like a fixed-gear freestyle bike:

As you may know, the U.S. Department of Transportation recommends that any two-wheeled vehicle weighing more than 100lbs should be equipped with handlebar grip tassels, and I'm glad to see that, like most Harley riders, the owner of this bike takes that recommendation seriously.

I even saw a track bike and an ElliptiGO sharing the same rack:

I sincerely hope these two riders are friends, and if so I can't wait to see the inevitable hillbombing "edit."

Most significantly, though, at no point did I miss New York. However, thanks to my "smarting phone," I did receive buckshot blasts of information that assured me it was remaining completely idiotic in my absence. For example, as you probably heard, avid bicycle cyclist Robin Williams got a ticket for riding a track bike on the sidewalk--though the cops let him off when they realized he was the guy from "Cadillac Man." And if this wasn't stupid enough, the NYPD then redoubled their bicycle cyclist ticketing efforts, citing Mr. Williams as the cause:

Meanwhile, the DOT continues to pander to the public's bizarre misconception that bicycles are deadly by asking bicycle cyclists to take a "Bike Smart Pledge:"

I endorse and engage in all of these behaviors, but I will take a "Bike Smart Pledge" just as soon as the DOT asks motorists to take a "Drive Smart Pledge." In the meantime, they can take this pledge, a can of Pledge, and a DVD of "Mrs. Doubtfire" and stick it in John Cassidy's "walnut glove compartment."

Lastly, as you may have heard by now, bicycle cycling messenger show "Triple Rush" has already been removed from the Travel Channel's schedule:

As I mentioned on Friday, I actually enjoyed the show, though I'm sure the Travel Channel pulled it because someone pitched them a hot new show about someone who Rollerblades all over the world eating the anuses of endangered species. (It will be called "Rare-Ass Roller.") Sadly, I think the only hope for "Triple Rush" is if the producers can convince the Travel Channel that messengers themselves are endangered species--though that could be something of an "out of the frying pan, into the fire" scenario, since then the messengers would be fair game for the "Rare-Ass Roller."

Or, maybe they could get Robin Williams on the show, since he apparently has total cycling immunity.

97 comments:

samh said...

Vengeance!

Anonymous said...

Suckit.

streepo said...

podium!!

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

yipee

mikeweb said...

Welcome back Snobber.

Anonymous said...

Dammit! 6th?

samh said...

Wow, anus-eating. Welcome back is right!

Anonymous said...

yay, top 10

theEel said...

toptenEel!

Anonymous said...

I’m a podium rock star or maybe a rock star on the podium…. Or maybe top 10?

Twistyface said...

Meh.

Anonymous said...

upper campus misses you already. the kind of garbage that rolls around in the bike line here in SC all needs to be called out by bike snob.

le Correcteur said...

top twenty; woulda been top ten but read it first and followed one link.

Anonymous said...

Where do you think he was? more smug than portland could be San Francisco. The trails look like the coastal trail in Marin County. Also the ocean and Prius drivers in high real estate areas could also mean San Francisco. The ocean view from the beach looks like Muir Beach in Marin. I guess San Francisco.

Anonymous said...

welcome back, snobster. watching that baby smoker almost ruined my lunch.

gotta take a smoke break after that.

Nogocyclist said...

So, are people in NYC saying they got a ticket because of Mork?

Twistyface said...

Rare-Ass Roller? Great to have you back!

hillbilly said...

welcome back!

Kenny Banya said...

"This struck me as being sort of sad--training for bike polo seems like the equivalent of a frat boy practicing his shotgunning technique with cans of seltzer."

Gold Snobby, GOLD!

mikeweb said...

A "smart driver pledge" is definitely needed.

Last week I came as close to becoming someone's hood ornament as I have in years - and it happened twice in two days. First one, the driver blew through a red light to make a u-turn at the Red Hook end of Hamilton ave. As the driver, who looked to have a grand total of about three years experience behind the wheel ran in to use the ATM, I had words with one of the passengers. Second one was a pizza delivery driver who was ready to blast through a stop sign at about 30 MPH until he saw me and came to a tire squealing stop.

I think we need to come up with a list titled. "the 10 most dangerous places for a NYC cyclist to be"

Between a pizza delivery driver and a $3 tip?

Between a 3 ton SUV and an open parking spot?

Within 50 yards of any employee of the NYPD?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mikeweb,

Not sure, but some combination of pizza and the NYPD I suspect. I actually watched a cop drive through a protected bike lane recently with a pie in the passenger seat. No pic, unfortunately...

--BSNYC

wishiwasmerckx said...

Surely somebody in the vast blogsphere readership recognizes the photos and will confirm the locale of Snob's sojourn.

The Marin foothills is a reasonable hypothesis, although I did not see BGW having a heart attack in the background.

Anonymous said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Pontius Pilate said...

A rare miscue. These post-Easter days are a real bear.

-P.P.

ktrueman said...

Top 25 !

Anonymous said...

Welcome back Snobby. I have to confess that I went over to Steve Tilford and Alexi Grewal's Blog's while you were gone.

I think Grewal is about to pull the plug on this comeback thing.

OBA said...

The "Bay Area" (Canada's lymph node) sure is lovely this time of year, but we need you here Sobbeleh - besides, they can't make decent pizza west of the Rockies to save their lives.

bicycle enthusiast in marin said...

The mountain pictures look a bit like marin, but not quite. the beach is def not in marin. and the town is santa cruz all the way. hope you had fun in Cali, Snobster! If i had known you were coming i would have baked you a cake (or at the very least i would have had a pie delivered by bike.)

Rocky Mountain Chuck said...

I'm with Sid Dithers.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arSjjMg445Eand#t=00m50s

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoUCRjU63ow#t=03m45s

Paul Bowen said...

In the meantime, they can take this pledge, a can of Pledge, and a DVD of "Mrs. Doubtfire" and stick it in John Cassidy's "walnut glove compartment."

That's just genius Snobbers, welcome back mate.

I once told some people I was arguing with on an MB that if there was anyone who had never broken any road law, or even just never broken a speed limit, I would listen to their concerns about bicycle cyclists jumping reds but that the rest of the red light concern community could "take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut". I was pretty pleased with that, even if I did pinch it from Vonnegut, but yours is better.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

chet said...

Bike polo photo is 21st St. in SF.

http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&source=s_q&hl=en&geocode=&q=sf,+ca&aq=&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=33.160552,98.525391&ie=UTF8&hq=&hnear=San+Francisco,+California&ll=37.75762,-122.415681&spn=0.000505,0.001503&t=h&z=20&layer=c&cbll=37.757514,-122.415671&panoid=-r2TJNtLAJYgVxCe5D7wow&cbp=12,116.39,,0,0

crosspalms said...

Welcome back, Snob! I'd like to see a Smart Pedestrian Pledge, too. Using a crosswalk and obeying the 'walk' sign apparently infringe on their freedoms too much.

Terre Haute Karl said...

The timing of his absence is awfully suspicious. I think Snob was helping the Taliban dig their comrades out of prison.

I hate to say it but today's best line is not from Snobby but the NY Post:"Robin Williams...caused a hairy situation"

Paul Bowen said...

On Sunday I rode the 2012 Olympic road race course. Sets off from the Mall and goes out through Richmond Park, Putney and down to Dorking, where it loops up-down-around Box Hill (nine times for the men, twice for the women and once for us lot). It struck me as very flat, notwithstanding the fact that me and the other old guys got dropped on the couple of slopes there are. The guys I was riding with, who know much more about racing than I do, suggested it would suit Cancellara or one of the other Classics specialists. I wondered if it might have been designed with Cav in mind - there are no Alps in reach of London but there are tougher climbs than Box Hill just a few miles away from it that could have been incorporated though whether they are so much tougher as to make any difference to a pro is open to question. Anyway, if you're coming to watch, Box Hill would be the place to head.

ervgopwr said...

THK: I saw that line. Not coincidence at all.

HARY MORK

And why would any celebrity need to get out of a riding on the sidewalk ticket? Write it off to some charity thing. It's not like you (insert real heinous celebrity crime) to somebody.

Neil said...

The situation got hairier for cyclists the first time Williams got on a bike....talk about hirsute!

Anonymous said...

Missed you Snobby.

cycle

archbishop said...

Own a piece of BikeSnobNYC: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=320687077939&ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT

Caliente Carlos said...

I saw you were back and I jizzed in my britches.

Anna said...

"If you're in an area where there are ocean views, it is physically impossible to be more than five miles away from a Whole Foods."

Apparently you've never been to the Gulf Coast...which is guess is technically the gulf BUT if you want freedom from an excess of smugness and to be truly thankful when you return home, that's the trip I'd recommend. The beaches are nice.

Anonymous said...

Beating the NYPD. here are a couple tips that I haven't yet tried for beating that traffic ticket given out by one of NYC's fattest:

1. Carry a fake ID so if you get stopped, produce the ID and write the ticket to someone who does not exist (may result in a licensing requirement for bikes)

2. Ride with Headphones and if a cop attempts to stop you ride fast, if they catch up just say you didn't hear them because you were listenting to music

3. Ademantly deny any wrongdoing. for example, if you run a red light, say to the cop "sorry officer, with all due respect the light was green" if they press ask "well if the light was indeed red how come you didn't stop any of the joggers for moving against the light (works best in the park where there are joggers).

4. If all of these fail make it a race thing "nice, so your are ticketing me because I'm black" (works better if you are indeed black, but would be a pretty funny defense for say an asian guy).

Marcel Da Chump said...

You're probably experiencing San Francisco post-partum depression. I know I did.
And thanks again for turning me on to The Sartorialist blog.

jasoiffy said...

Nice globe trotting, looks to be an amazing trip - was the parental condescension you received stateside or down somewhere near the horn?

mackeroonie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mackeroonie said...

It's Santa Cruz...some of my local trails.

Anonymous said...

Welcome ba-ack.
I'm eating delicious pork and feeling sorry for you.

The Totally Fake Stevil said...

I geo-outted snobby on my tumblr here - photos and all
http://ahtbm.tumblr.com/post/4875815785/bsnyc-got-rad-in-santa-cruz

Get some!

Bad Lawyer said...

I go away for 5 months and return to find that the madness continues! What a relief.

trailerparkcyclist said...

Yeah, those Cali guys like to catch a good beer buzz early in the mornin'...two (2) Questions:

a. What was in the flask

2. After you got all liquored up did you "rad dudes" climb down that air vent and kick some Morlock butt?

Anonymous said...

Snob,

you seem to wear Budweiser socks when XCing???

Man, you´re afraid of nothing...

fretgod321 said...

figured this would be of interest to you: http://design-milk.com/new-work-from-rui-alves/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+design-milk+%28Design+Milk%29

Anonymous said...

podium!!!!

Robin Williams said...

AYHSMHB

M from O said...

NANOO NANOO

bikesgonewild said...

..."Welcome to the Hotel California
Such a lovely place
(Such a lovely place)
Such a lovely face
Plenty of room at the Hotel California
Any time of year
(Any time of year)
You can find it here"
...

...wishiwasmerckx...i was too busy lobbying the local bureaucrats to keep these damn cycling interlopers off of our trails...

Anonymous said...

Anna, no hills means no views.

BigBill said...

Gotta get up to get down

philip williamson said...

Santa Cruz, in the house! The trail surface was the giveaway, since the fog looks the same.

It could've been Mill Valley just as easily, though, judging on cars and smugness.
It's easy to be parenting-smug with a nanny for each of the twins you popped out right before menopause.

bikesgonewild said...

...'that', btw, was all south of the golden gate bridge & while i'm sure it was an sensory overload to bsnyc/pdx/rtms delicate nyc constitution, one has to journey north into marin county for that real smugness/pretentious factor...

...mill valley, quite a small town, has two (2 - count 'em) whole foods within 5 blocks of each other & while this county has a buncha totally 'down to earth' bike shops, we also have a 'studio velo', in case you feel the need to pay prices commensurate with the cost of your porsche cayenne...

...but i'm not complaining 'cuz mother nature has been kind to us...

yogisurf said...

That was funny, you DAMN DIRTY APE. Welcome back, BSNYC. Maine?

g-roc said...

No time to comment - got to go bicycle cycling.

Miss Muff said...

My panties are wet. I have to go home and change.

I am the stoned engine said...

No way, that looks like Humboldt county. Did the lost coast, and picked up some wednesday weed all at the same time.

Don't blame Mork for the cops bad attitude, he says he doesn't do dope anymore.

Bad lawyer, if you have you caught up on the last 5 months of bsnob, things are even more fucked up than when you left.

bikesgonewild said...

...miss muff...to paraphrase the ny piano man - ...

...'don't go changing to try and please us...
...we want you just the way you are"
...

...sopping even...

poonjerelli said...

That is definitely the Marin Headlands. The fog and the awesome trails are tell tale signs. Also, the bike polo snapshot has to be in the Mission.

Something about those SF houses, unforgettable.

So there you have it guys, the Bay Area is officially the most bike smug place ever.

Anonymous said...

Bike snob,
Was that point Reyes?

Anonymous said...

I think the beach shot is of Muir Beach, just north of SF. So, the trail must be the Coastal Trail...

Puffy Peter Peckerpusher said...

I just jizzed in Miss Muff's pants.

Burt Reynolds 531 said...

Well at least Miss Muff knows now who has been stealing her pants.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob, Weren't you at Lance's ranch??

Anonymous said...

Poonjerelli, I live in SF, if SF is the most bike smug place on earth, can I be its dark overlord in charge of douchery?

Anonymous said...

I am so embarrassed that two Whole Foods were allowed in to our beloved Santa Cruz. The zoning is falling apart around here.

bicycle enthusiast in marin said...

oh yeah muir beach. duh. looking at the hill view- it does look like tiburon sticking out into richardson bay in the top left.

i hope you made into berkeley for some serious smugitude. it would have blown the needle of your smugometer

Pink Lobster said...

Man! I can't believe you made it Santa Cruz and I was in Turkey! Damndamndamndamn!

Pink Lobster said...

I knew it was Santa Cruz as soon as he mentioned the bad parenting smugness (also, the shot in front of the downtown New Leaf gave it away).
@Anonymous 7:52, sorry- we're way smugger than Berkeley over here. Sad but true.

ce said...

samh is a badass

Ben said...

Bike Snob riding UCSC trails? Did not expect the guy who constantly complains about delivery boys illegally riding on sidewalks riding the illegal trails on campus.
Just Kidding, keep on shredding Snobbie!

Kelly said...

Kinevil must have been exposed to some Fukushima radioactive fog to make his nipples glow like that. Maybe his transforming into a superhero/supervillain or Fabian Cancellara.

I vote for Noe Valley for the smuggiest place in SF Bay Area.

Strickly P said...

Rolleblading is undeniably rad. Thats it. You try hucking your ___lb self onto a handrail and we shall chat.

Yoda said...

Welcome back, Snoblet. Missed you, I did.

Anonymous said...

For real smugness, travel a little farther south on your next left coast excursion, to the central coast surroundings of SLO. Officially dubbed by Her Queen-ness Oprah herself as the happiest place in the world-Ok, Amurka- but how could anywhere be happier. Don't bring the little fat kid, smoking is officially banned within city limits. Excellent bike lanes tho, and the Coppers give you wide clearance. Smugdouchery is off the charts.

Anonymous said...

Damn monkeys blew up my favorite Masonic symbol! Damn you to heck!

Anonymous said...

"ant1 said...
ant1st!"

Douchebaggery at its finest.

Anonymous said...

The real question is, Will the future apes let their two-year-olds smoke 40 cigs a day?

Marcel Da Chump said...

Triple Rush got cancelled because of demographics not low rartings. The core age group of 35 to 54 yrear olds, which the advertisers targeted, tuned out; while the under thirty-five year olds tuned in. That's what the producers told Greg.

Al Thumbs said...

Welcome back! From Boston.com:
http://www.boston.com/news/local/vermont/articles/2011/04/27/no_jail_for_woman_who_hit_vt_cyclist_while_gpsing/?rss_id=Boston.com+--+Latest+news

No jail for woman who hit Vt cyclist while GPSing
April 27, 2011

BRATTLEBORO, Vt.—A woman who critically injured a Vermont bicyclist with her car when she was distracted by looking at her GPS isn't going to jail.

Twenty-one-year-old Cherish Carlin of Springfield, Mass., was given a suspended sentence and placed on probation after she pleaded guilty to charges of gross negligent vehicle operation and reckless endangerment. If she stays out of trouble her criminal record will be sealed.

Carlin was driving on U.S. Route 5 in Dummerston in April 2009 when she took her eyes off the road to look for a place to eat on her GPS. She hit then-71-year-old Bradford Greene of Dummerston from behind.

Greene has since recovered from his injuries.

The Brattleboro Reformer says Carlin, who had no previous criminal record, apologized in court for her actions.

cvmxher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jdlvtrn said...

I see a bakfiets looming in your future, as you are sucked into the vortex

Jayfin said...

Have you seen this? Action starts in 0:50.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6XL3g4vPK30&feature=player_embedded#at=290

Anonymous said...

Here what i found -> vision correction

bike said...

I really love the view from the front. It's remind me to Star wars movie :)

hey said...

This is the perfect blog for anyone who wants to know about this topic. You know so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I really would want...HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a subject thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!
mountain bike blog

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

Fixie Bikes said...

You blew it up! Damn you!

sabina moon said...


Nice article. your article is very good and E-book is well. I love as like as E-book. I think there are best e-book link in the world. If any one search more e-book i seggust their visit here and collect more
TLR race wheel rental

Anonymous said...


............Nice..^_^v................