Thursday, March 10, 2011

This Just In: Off to Seattle!

Today is the day I depart for Seattle and its eponymous Bicycle Expo, and I am looking forward to experiencing the many and subtle variations of rain the city will have to offer me during my short visit:

Because I will be busy soaking, I will not be posting tomorrow or Monday, but I will be returning to this blog on Tuesday, March 15th with regular updates. However, if you're in Seattle this weekend and you're not too busy mourning the death of the latest grunge-era musician, you can come to the Expo and see me chatter nervously and give a half-assed PowerPoint presentation at the following times:

--Saturday at 1:20pm;

--Sunday at 12:30pm.

I'll try to make them different in the extraordinary case that you attend both.

Also, on Saturday at 4:15pm, I'll be on the "Laughing At Ourselves" panel, which sounds like a class they should offer at Bard, and on Sunday morning at 10:30am we'll be riding from Uptown Espresso on Queen Anne Ave. N to the Expo in a non-competitive and conversational fashion.

Then, I return to my home and my hermetic ways.

Also, guess who else will be performing at the expo? (Hint, they're German, they ride "fixies," and they wear leotards):



Take or leave my presentation, but you'd have to be crazy to miss that.


("My wayward eyebrow means I'm thinking.")

What followed was a pile-on of "epic" proportions, with the New York Times, the Economist, the Washington Post, Finally Legal, and others all weighing in on what an idiot he is. In the midst of sort of a "bicycle backlash" as we are, it was inspiring to see how many articulate people actually came to cycling's defense. I guess it just took someone like Cassidy to strike that perfect note of stupidity--a laterally stiff yet vertically moronic alloy of pretention and cluelessness.

And naturally, Cassidy came to his own defense:

As I was saying about the bike lobby…

How is a bunch of people agreeing your post was ridiculous a "lobby?" Everybody thinks Charlie Sheen is crazy too, but that doesn't mean there's a sanity lobby. His closing was also delightfully catty:

Finally, thanks to the commenters in general for providing me with a handy guide to the cultural politics of the twenty-first century. I’ll keep a copy of it in my walnut glove compartment:

Bicyclist = Urbane, enlightened, sophisticate.

Car Driver = Suburban, reactionary, moron.

If "Walnut Glove Compartment = Your Ass," then I think we're all in agreement.

By the way, for one brief and exciting moment yesterday I thought I'd spotted Cassidy's '89 Thunderbird, but it turned out to be the Mercury Cougar variant:

Nevertheless, it looked like Cassidy probably feels after fielding all those comments. Also, in the adjacent bike lane, I spotted this packet of latex finger cots and/or petite prophylactics:

I'm not sure if somebody had been "getting down" in the back seat of that Cougar, or if the city is trying to encourage its cyclists to go "fingerbang" themselves safely.

Speaking of safety, you'll find nothing even remotely safe in this, perhaps the greatest messenger video of all time, which was forwarded to me by a reader:



Frankly, I couldn't tell if I was watching actual people, or if this was a new parody show like "Portlandia," but either way it was tremendously entertaining in the way only true stupidity can be. The cast of characters included the guy who throws strawberry thick shakes at minivans:


The guy who sucks at bike riding:

"I smashed right into the side of the cab, broke my jaw in two places. I don't have health insurance. It's a factor but I kind of disregard it, I don't really give a shit," he says.

Hey, he's just like the US government!

And the woman who somehow works more hours a week than there are hours a week:

"I work two full time jobs, seven days a week, about 50 hours at each."

Apparently, her goal is to become debt free by the time she's 30, hence the 100 hour work week. I don't know how much time she actually has, but if her goal is to make money quickly then she couldn't have made a worse choice than spending 50 of those hours working as a bike messenger. Sure, it's fun and "carbon neutral," but it's also "income neutral" in that the small amount of money involved generally winds up going to pay for things like designer bandoliers, Brooks saddles, and reconstructive jaw surgery. Really, she'd probably be better off working one normal full-time job and then riding her bike for fun in her spare time like the rest of us.

Then again, I'm not an economist like "Sideburns" Casidy, so I really don't know what I'm talking about.

Nevertheless, as with that Vancouver video, I continue to be fascinated with the manner in which messengers love to boast on video about doing their jobs poorly--crashing into things, losing packages, losing their tropical birds to kidnappers... If they were waiters they'd be running around the restaurant, falling over tables and dropping trays of food on the diners.

As Bob Dylan once sang, sometimes you're "Only a Pawn in Their Game." Whereas once this was an unenviable position, now it's positively distinguished when compared with the modern-day equivalent, which is Being a Character in their Reality Show.



Take my dignity. Please.

149 comments:

Oldentard said...

It's lonely at the top.

dcdouglas said...

podium?

David Henderson said...

Silver Medal!

marshall said...

so close

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

top ten! Seattle!

Dan Webster said...

3rd top ten of the week!!

Come to Vancouver, Canada, Snobby. Say hi!

Anonymous said...

5th omg omg omg

cycle

Stubbs said...

In with a shot?

Anonymous said...

::Break Dances::

Anonymous said...

::Break Dances::

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

is that a parking space?

Anonymous said...

Top 15! Sweet!

Anonymous said...

early bird..

David Henderson said...

After further review, bronze.

Looks like I need more practice at doing wheelies while doing a handstand.

That was a chick, yes? Sometimes it's hard to tell.

Anonymous said...

Laughing my "Walnut Glove Compartment" off!

leroy said...

Everyone knows (or at least the bike lobby knows) that the travel advisory for those going to San Francisco counsels: "Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair."

But no one sings about how to accessorize for Seattle.

I'm thinking a Maine lobsterman outfit might be appropriate, but I could be wrong.

I wonder if White Rain ever did a jingle for its eco-friendly hair spray that provides a soft and manageable look without harming flowers.

It's just so hard to know what to do without advice set to music.

And goodness knows how embarrassing it can be to have the wrong musical advice stuck in your head. I have a hunch Mr. Cassidy's problem yesterday was a simple matter of composing a short essay while humming "In a Gadda Da Vida" a little too loudly. I hate it when that happens to me.

Kenny Banya said...

Top 20 GOLD!

crosspalms said...

I remember going to Seattle once and being surprised hardly anyone used an umbrella. I guess they were so used to the rain they just didn't care. Enjoy!

Anonymous said...

There are 168 hours in a week...

Seattle Wrench said...

Fenders, yes. Umbrellas, no. There's a definite lack of hairspray use here in Seattle. Looking forward to the ride on Sunday!

Trust Fund Cycle Weenie said...

God, I hope those hipster morons keep making videos just to get your brilliant and vituperative responses!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ant1 said...

snobby - well deserved break. you've outdone yourself the past two posts. "a laterally stiff yet vertically moronic alloy of pretention and cluelessness", "income neutral..."

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

no comment.

fillet_brazed said...

Snobby,

Messengering isn't revenue neutral, it's revenue negative. It was in 1990, it is even worse now.

Same number of misfits and miscreants. Funny.

Kyle said...

"= your ass" had me regurgitating my flax imbued oatmeal

Would love to see Cassidy lobby against that.

Anonymous said...

Jon
Jon
Jon Crya
Were are my skinny latexes!

gsport george said...

Remember; although it is spelt, leotard, it should be pronounced "Lĕt'ərd" and the L should always be capitalised.

Anonymous said...

Soulpatch will stimulate a man member faster than most 20 year old men can put on tube socks

The result of this is eruption

Some of the common side affects might include premature eruption, spastic eruption and continuous eruption

Be warned Seattle

Anonymous said...

i am not mathematologistically inclined, but i think there are more than 100 hours in a week.

leroy said...

Oh dear. I am so embarrassed.

I just realized I had confused John Cassidy with Neal Cassady, Ken Kesey's Merry Pranksters' bus driver whose zen-like automotive abilities were first described in Kerouac's On the Road.

Honestly, I can't be the only one to have made this mistake.

Someone really should tell Mr. Cassidy he's no Mr. Cassady.

Terre Haute Karl said...

7 days x 24 hours = 168 hours > 100 hours

Anonymous said...

I was thinkin' David Cassidy from, you know, the Partridge Family thing.

I was kinda hot for Susan Dey.

Anonymous said...

i wrote a comment on Moron's blog, but alas, it was edited for content.

it said 'two more corrections mister cassidy- change "Car Driver" to John Cassidy" and append with "douche-bag"'

because, well, it's true.

FWSM said...

I think I saw the milkshake throwing guy in other enlighted Youtube videos like "beating a guy with a ULock and riding away" and "I'm a giant loser in need of an ass kicking so please will you hold my pant yabbies?"

Spence said...

Isn't that kind of far to bike to?

Etherhuffer said...

Glad you are coming to Seattle. Be sure to bring your ugliest clothes and not comb your hair. A nice sleeve of temporary tats will get you lotsa love. If you are invited to a nice restaurant, be sure to put on your worst attire so as to fit in. And beware the PC secret police. They are like Norwegian rats on pier 60 at night; not in your line of sight but everywhere below. You have been warned!

mikeweb said...

a laterally stiff yet vertically moronic alloy of pretention and cluelessness.

You sir, are the wind beneath my wings.

Bobby said...

I can't imagine why the Young Jedi hasn't been laid in three years.

Marcel Da Chump said...

I could brush off Cassisy's asanine anti-bike lane views, but that image of him riding down 5th Ave hungover and sexually frustrated made an indelible impression.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

hillbilly said...

have a great trip!

Anonymous Coward said...

DUMB JEDI
INCM NTRL

grog said...

Every city has at least one:
a laterally stiff yet vertically moronic alloy of pretention and cluelessness.

EVIL KIWI said...

That's 'lay-o-tard'.

Anonymous said...

If I see Sideburns cassidy around nyc in his jag-eww-whharr i will bounce a strawberry milk shake off his windshield faster than you can say limey go home.

James said...

Everyone's a math wiz suddenly.

Nicholas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nicholas said...

Does anyone else think Sideburns Casidy looks like Unknown Hinson?
http://davidwbarbee.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/unknownhinsonuh.jpg

Nicholas said...

the link got cut off.
http://davidwbarbee.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/
unknownhinsonuh.jpg

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford updates his blog even when he's traveling.

ringcycles said...

So glad you linked The Economists response to Mr. Cassidy. Then again, I suppose the lesson he learned from "the tragedy of the commons" is; get your cattle herd to pasture before the peasants arrive.

Not sure that his eye brow is arched because he is thinking, though. Perhaps it is because his copy of The Weatlh of Nations is stuck in his "walnut glove compartment" and its given him hemorrhoids.

Anonymous said...

I'm beginning to think that being a bicycle messenger is less about having a job and more about belonging to a fetishist community. Like Furries, BDSM enthusiasts, or people that dress up as Star Trek characters.

derrickito said...

point83. come for a ride, we drink and ride bikes.

every thursday meet up at 7pm from westlake, leave at 730.

map:
http://maps.google.com/maps?um=1&ie=UTF-8&q=westlake+park+seattle&fb=1&gl=us&hq=westlake+park&hnear=Seattle,+WA&cid=0,0,16678514624800721591&ei=JS15TZfqHs-OrQHP9cD9BQ&sa=X&oi=local_result&ct=image&resnum=4&ved=0CDAQnwIwAw

Twistyface said...

@Anonymous 1.45: couple of things:
1: I don't think Cassidy is a "Limey", only his car is.
2: It's almost certainly cheaper to HK him instead.
3: Do you think it is worth calling upon the '4 horsemen' to HK him in a synchronised, fixed and hipsterish way, film it all in HD and post it for our entertainment tomorrow, ( or at least whilst Mr. Snob is enlarging his crabon footprint?). Preferably if it could happen whilst he is parked in a bike lane, returning from dinner, that would be great.

Paul Bowen said...

Look we're sorry you got this Caddissy twat ok. Normally we only send the good stuff like led zepperlin and brooks saddles and we don't want our rep for kerwality compromised so full refund, no discussion. Just make sure his teeth are rendered appropriate for their new context before UPS zip the bag up.

Udder said...

Sadly, half-assed Power Point presentations make up about half of my life.

mikeweb said...

What's the difference between a 'thick shake' and a 'milk shake' anyway?

Oh, nevermind.

Anonymous said...

come to Vancouver! We can all take a break from our yoga classes and our paragraph long lattes to see you!

I think the New yorker sucks engine said...

http://www.grist.org/article/2011-03-09-your-next-bike-could-be-made-out-of-nylon-and-3d-printed-at-home

Now the hand built show can truly be had built instead of collaborated with taiwan.

http://www.grist.org/article/2011-03-09-where-do-green-commuters-live-not-portland

Jersey Rocks,

Some Guy in the Innernets said...

We were overdue for a new blog-specific euphemism, but "walnut glove compartment" was worth the wait. Thank you Mr. Cassidy. You twinkie.

Martin Erzinger said...

Who the fuck is John Cassidy to make fun of Paul Krugman.

Now he has gone way to far.

Pull out the guillotine, let the bicycle masses arise and torch all 80's Thunderbirds and Cougars.

Why stop there, take out all Ford by-products, then the streets will not be crowded.

Only Mercedes will rule the streets of NYC.

Stupid Name said...

I am sorry, Mr. Cassidy you do not recognize wood grained plastic.

No real walnut in Thunder-birds.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking Jack Cassidy, the flamer in The Eiger Sanction.

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

I guess.

Anonymous said...

I was thinking Jack Cassidy from The Jefferson Airplane and Hot Tuna.

mikeweb said...

Repeat after me:

Jag-you-are jag-off.

I didn't know that Walnuts wore gloves, or that they even had hands and arms.

The More You Know.

Anonymous said...

Do all bicyclist in New York have to have "Diktats"?

Ah, the well opinionated make me laugh.

Charles Le Chaud said...

Let's sock it to him.

samh said...

Yes, "weird style diktats".

RaphBxl said...

Sorry, dude, but they might be German (most of them anyway) but they don't just ride "fixies," and wear leotards, they are engaging in the UCI sanctioned discipline of artistic cycling. And they properly kick ass!

Anonymous said...

"Twenty-five years ago, when I moved to the East Village, I paid a guy on Second Avenue thirty dollars for a second-hand racing bike (probably stolen)."

Don't buy stolen bikes you hypocrite.

hipsterical said...

a diktat?
sounds painful
where can I get one?

Groucho said...

Hey, everyone knows there ain't no sanity lobby.
You're on fire at the moment, Snob, and even the Seattle rain isn't going to put that out

crosspalms said...

R
I
G
H
T

H
E
R
E

Jasper said...

"Twistyface said...

@Anonymous 1.45: couple of things:
1: I don't think Cassidy is a "Limey", only his car is."
Alas, his references to Oxford make me feel he is a fellow countryman in exile, which might explain some of his boorish arrogance. Nonetheless, Stupid Name, a Jag, being a little classier than a Thunderbird, would have some real walnut.

ant1 said...

has anyone seen my bag of condoms? i think i left it somewhere around here yesterday.

bikesgonewild said...

...the peripatetic bsnyc/rtms is "...like a rolling stone..." these days...

...he's following a travel advisory for the seattle area...

"...And it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard
It's a hard rain's a-gonna fall."
...

...when asked if he knew where his hotel is located, bsnyc/rtms replied "...positively 4th street..."...


...when bsnyc/rtms was asked if it bothered him to always be at the beck & call of the cycling community with his new found fame, he replied...
..."You're gonna have to serve somebody, yes indeed
You're gonna have to serve somebody,
Well, it may be the devil or it may be the Lord
But you're gonna have to serve somebody."
...

...clearly, he is not 'a man of constant sorrow'...

...just sayin'...

g-roc said...

Meh, a strawberry shake just begs to be thrown. Now, a chocolate shake, not letting go of that.

Anonymous said...

Bicyclist = Urbane, enlightened, sophisticate.

Car Driver = Suburban, reactionary, moron.

Is life really that simple?

Only a simpleton would come up with that.

I have met a few Suburban Bike drivers who were reactionary and morons, but not many.

Hunglong Herman said...

I figured it out. You use those little bitty condoms on your diktat.

wishiwasmerckx said...

"...not mathematologistically inclined..." = "innumerate."

Anonymous said...

The bike paths of NYC may not be welcoming to cyclists these days, but at least they don't contain moose (meese?):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFgrVaemwQ8

Anonymous said...

Holy Salmoning Alces, Batman!

Marcel Da Chump said...

...and he'll have Vito with him
to endure those "Buckets of Rain".
'little red wagon
little red bike
I ain't no monkey but I know what I like
I like the way you love me strong and slow
I'm takin' you with me, honey baby
when I go'

Anonymous said...

Are your ways hermetic, hermitic, or both?

ken e. said...

pretty windy with that rain too!

RAIN WIND
FARN HEIT

Tri-dork sighting! said...

Snoooobb!

ANOTHER APPEARANCE by TRI-DORK!!

(that you missed while you were in Austin)

http://www.bikesale.co.il/image/users/142424/ftp/my_files/header.jpg?id=3339704

ce said...

The Tri Hard Retro Time Travelling Dork named Fred appears in some kind of relevant context for the first time ever!

http://epoboost.com/Blog/identifying-your-weaknesses-as-a-cyclist

Doug said...

Has anyone else noticed Cassidy's screed begins with the typical disclaimer? "I don't have anything against bikes". Substitute blacks, Mexicans, Jews, ect. for bikes, and you have the quintessential beginning of a bigot's diatribe. No points for originality there.

ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ce said...

Taint-shy Contador has lost his finger cots, and overcome by concern he wonders "is that me, or the official?" sniff sniff

bikesgonewild said...

...marcel da chump...

...surely you're not suggesting that bsnyc/rtms & vito are 'in flagrante delicto' (in a blazing offense) are you...

...long lonely nights, lost in a swirl of time & different cities, telling the same ol' cycling tales to the same ol' cycling hipsters, no matter the location, over & over & over...

...it's understandable, in a sad & twisted way...i just hadn't pictured it until you brought it up...

Anonymous said...

Panties. Really. Cute ones.

Marcel Da Chump said...

bgw,
I was invoking a muse-artist relationship, but your interpretation, while risque, is a lot funnier.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Monkeyshines

Anonymous said...

I'm puzzled. Why leave England for the USA and then buy a Jag? I'd be off looking for a 60s Galaxie or something because they were never sold over here. Plus you can probably lay your bike on its side in the boot.....

hey nonny mouse

Anonymous said...

Steve Tilford crashed into a car whilst he was going 60 mph. Y

wijntjes said...

That New Yorker column made me so mad I couldn't talk. Thankfully you were there to eviscerate the guy for the rest of us. Thanks Bike Snob. Have a lot of fun in Seattle.

Chafed said...

That New Yorker column made me so mad I couldn't talk. Thankfully you were there to eviscerate the guy for the rest of us. Thanks Bike Snob. Have a lot of fun in Seattle.

Barry Muzzen Kneecheese Cousin said...

))))))))))))))((((((((((((((
Enough of this friday scroll!
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
LET`S %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
HURT A &&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&
LITTLE **********************
BIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(((((((((((((()))))))))))))))
¾AMERICANFLYERSAMERICANFLYERS
+100%BSNYC100%BSNYC100%BSNYC+
/////////////////////////////
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
BIKELANESROADWAYSSIDEWALKSAIR

STEEPHILL UNABOMBER said...

La di da to
Smithereens

BICYCLE HURRY WHORE said...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Anal Retentive Chef said...

@Stupid Name,

Jaguar are known for their burled walnut dash and connoly leather seats.

T-bird was his first car, not current.

@Anon 12:56,

They don't sell LHD Jags in the UK ;)

..

Now if I can just find a parking space, all I see are these confounded bipedal lanes!!

g-roc said...

Hey nony mouse - also, after a couple of crappy '80s American cars he figured out they're not all that. Although, you'd think he'd go back to a bike/subway/cab, not a Jag.

Anonymous said...

@ARC....funny that; there just doesn't seem to be any demand, for some reason.

And they rust like Lancias.

hey nonny mouse

Maggie's Farm said...

Hey, where'd that skinny guy go?

Anonymous said...

I worked as a messenger in DC for several years in the late 90's/early 00's. Thought seeing this video would make me miss it dearly, but not the case. Go figure.

Friendo said...

AYHSMWGC

All You Haters Suck My Walnut Glove Compartment

Big Pink said...

Maggie's Farm,
he's here, jammin' with Levon, Garth, Robbie, Richard and
Rick. They've been in the basement all night with that music
of theirs making tapes. Nice sounds, I must say. Those boys might go places.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
leroy said...

"Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey."

Brian said...

You all just don't know how funny shake-throwing Chris "Young Jedi" Soda is. His driver conflict stories have had me rolling on the ground for hours at a time. Is he a stupid biker? Who gives a fuck? While trodding well worn ground in the arent-messengers-crazy department, that video is net humorous and if you were a DC messenger in the past ten years and don't know any of those people you a bama. I miss all those people and miss riding in DC.

Yahswe Sukuyugi said...

I like playing violin too..

I am not a new yorker subscriber engine said...

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/hendrikhertzberg/2011/03/a-card-carrying-bipedalist-speaks-out.html

Why is it that our "bike advocates" really cause us more harm than good.

Hertzberg is an ass, to be witty urbane and so full of shit.

"If global warming disappeared tomorrow, the bike lobby would still demand more bike lanes."

I don't care what kind of car you drive, it doesn't matter.

I just want to get to work without being run over, does nobody at the New Yorker get that.

They are so clever, come up with a better plan than bike lanes and we will listen.

bikesgonewild said...

...hey brian...know what's even funnier about 'young jedi' (your words, not mine) ???...

...he's a pussy...he's throwing a milkshake on a parked, unoccupied vehicle...a van, even...prob'ly driven by a soccer mom...wow, what a tough guy & ain't he making a grand statement...

..."...i don't have a real pair of balls or any common sense but i do have a lotta anger..."...how impressive...

Ashamed said...

I loved my years as a messenger, but that is just a fucking embarrassment. They took the comments down on account of it was getting roasted.

Brian said...

What's funny is what y'all don't know. The video gave a hint, though. The hilarious, absurd, and the stupid. That's Soda and I love him. Why the need to see role models or "impressive" behavior in every online depiction of cycling? Sometimes the absurd hits the spot, which is how I view that video. Also, I feel the need to defend people I know from the mud coming from the BSNYC peanut gallery.

Salty and Sore said...

So, Brian,

I'm confused.

If the video is about messengering's absurdities, and our esteemed, fellow commenters are recognizing such in viewing it, isn't that complimentary?

Or, are you just being ironic?

Please, if you would, thank the video artist for me. I say, Bravo!

Brian said...

I haven't perceived much appreciation for the absurdity. Not in the comments I'm reacting to, anyway.

PawnShop said...

Dear John Cassidy,
Your 15 minutes are up. I suspect you'll get the precise opposite of what you desire. Enjoy the irony.

bikesgonewild said...

...what would be absurdly funny from my pov is if 'young jedi' were doused three times in a row by passing vehicles with a chocolate, then a vanilla & then finally a strawberry milkshake...

...then you could call him 'chris neapolitano'...

...hahaha...that'd be kinda ironic, ya ???...

...or maybe people could shake up cans of cherry coke & spray him as they drove by & you could call him 'cherry soda'...

...hilarity ensues, no ???...

Marcel Da Chump said...

...circa early nineties I was almost doused by a soft drink hurled by a passing truck.
,,,the Man with the Golden Arm yelled hey you faggot!
...he missed me by thatmuch!
...hell hath no fury like an angry twenty-something bike messenger.
...especially one whose sexuality is questioned.
... I grabbed an empty bottle from a trash can.
...the wind-up, the pitch...Golden Arm became yellow in face with fear, waiting for the traffic light to change.
...then I looked at my bike, a Specialized Stumpjumper
customed-painted to glow in the dark with a crabon uni-bar
and stem painted Abstract Expressionisticlly.
...dumb, ignorant: What else would Golden Arm think?
...this is funny, I thought.
...laughed.
...had a sexy twenty-something stripper living with me.
... Downton, two locks from CBGB'S.
...thought about that and felt sorry for Golden Arm.

Anonymous said...

of course the heil salure had to be worked in that german demo about 4 mins. in... subtle.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Is it Tuesday yet?

'til tuesday said...

Hush, voices carry.

bikesgonewild said...

...marcel da chump...was hoping you were gonna go on...

...thought 'ahhh, fuck it' & whipped bottle anyway...
...caught 'golden arm' behind the ear...
...sucker dropped, draped over his steering wheel...
...bottle falls to street, breaks, (hey, no fingerprints, no proof)...
...fancy ass car rolls through intersection, slams traffic light...
...falling light standard clips corner of table at empty corner cafe...
...unfinished strawberry milkshake launches into air, douses eyeglasses of passing cyclist visiting from d.c...
...cyclist, unseeing, rides through broken glass, gets flat, stops...
...cops show up, see carnage, check HIS i.d...
...driver wakes, says "yah, that's him, fucking cyclist"...
...cop says "ahhh, cyclist/perp has history of traffic instigation at home - must be the cause of this malfeasance"...
...chris soda arrested, calls buddy brian in d.c. to wire bail money...
...i pedal home to young stripper in the mood to give head...

...now THAT would be absurd (well, except for the stripper & the giving head part) & highly fucking ironic...

...bored on a rainy sunday, i'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

The New Yorker goes on with bike lanes:
http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/hendrikhertzberg/2011/03/a-card-carrying-bipedalist-speaks-out.html

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/backissues/2011/03/bikes-in-new-york-as-the-wheels-turn.html

Anonymous said...

What kind of twat rides around with a drinky cup that can be so easily thrown during a staged encounter? 'Soda' and his boring friends just suck

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Anonymous said...

I actually know kidnapped parrot guy. Lots of the bike messengers here in DC double as line-place-holders for important hearings on the Hill.

Hans commanded a group of about two dozen people who stood in line for two days (really - 48 hours) for a hearing last year for a client of mine. Although in my time with him, Hans was without the unironic portage of avian lifeform in blue and yellow colorway.


Also important to note, if line place holding counts toward her 100 hour weeks, she's getting paid to sleep outside the Capitol Hill office buildings...which would make it significantly easier to be out of debt by the time she's 30, given the low cost of accommodations.

Twistyface said...

To pass the time, here is a piece on David Byrne.....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/herschell/3798422147/

Little known fact: he says he doesnt own a car (!)

Marcel Da Chump said...

bgw,
I've reached middle-age without attaining a criminal record; that's enough irony for me.
Btw, there's an article in the latest NewYork Observer about the bike lanes. It quotes some guy named Eben Weiss(?) and David Byrne. Go to obsever.com for details.

aca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

http://gawker.com/#!5781582/someone-is-setting-hipster-traps-in-new-york

Groucho Marx said...

Shoots the pahandjob in my pajamis?

Watson said...

???bike nashbar??..

IBM said...

Watson, you are not to peruse the internet! Now get thee to your beds!

Daylights Savingstimes said...

nhl headshots arent as innocent as when they were cards clothespegged to your spokes

Nate said...

There are 168 hours in a week, so I don't understand your comment about that girl working more hours per week than there are hours in a week. If she works 100 hours a week, she still has 68 hours or about 9.5 hours per day left for eating and sleeping. But then again, I guess you're a bike snob, not a mathematician.

Nate's Dad said...

Nate, fer chissakes, not everything you read is to be taken literally or seriously. How many times I gotta 'splain it to ya? You do realize you are reading a humorous satire blog about a subject that no sane person takes 100% seriously, don't you? Well?

David said...

How did messengering get to be "carbon neutral" instead "crabon neutral" Consistency, please! (I know, consistency is the hobgoblin of little cyclists.)

Anonymous said...

And the dude wonders why he doenst have insurance. What a bunch of effing tools. I hope one of those assh*les gets hit by a bus and is sent off the 14th st bridge.

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Rex H said...

Don't Kill The Messengers?

What a bunch of assholes.

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