Knee-Jerk Reaction: All Out of Proportion

I'm in the market for a new road bike. Do I need a new road bike? Of course not. However, as a bicycle cyclist I know that riding the undulations of consumer trends is even more important than riding the actual bicycles. So, even though my current road bike is almost exactly like the new road bikes, and even though like most non-professional road cyclists I'm profoundly slow, it's essential that I spend many thousands of dollars on a new "steed" that reflects the subtle changes in head tube diameter and decal design that drive the bicycle cycling industry.

But which bike to choose? Well, there's a bewildering array of road cycling bicycles available today, and even though most of them come out of the same factory it can be very difficult to decide which one best expresses my own unique brand of sucking at bike racing. Therefore, I found myself in quite a quandary--until I remembered that I write for the world's leading bike magazine, which is, of course, "Bicycling." So I reached for the latest issue, in which I read the following words about a road bicycling bicycle cycle called the "Bianchi Oltre Super Record:"

On my second ride, climbing a small hill, I stood and smashed on the pedals. The Oltre leapt forward as if shocked, so I kept going. The bike craved the speed, asking me for more. For three hours, I kept pushing. The Oltre carved corners, mowed down rollers and zipped through long straightaways. On dirt sections, the whip-thin seatstays helped me float over washboards and winter potholes. It's no surprise that in Italian the name of Bianchi's top-of-the-line road model means "beyond."

No sooner had I finished reading that paragraph than the $11,000 (!) which this cycling bicycle costs practically leaped out of my pocket, grabbed me by the "pants yabbies," and dragged me to my LBS. I mean, this bike sounded perfect. The truth is, like most roadies, I actually hate cycling, so the idea of a bicycle that does most of the work for me is very appealing. Also, $11,000 isn't actually that much money, since the review specifically mentions that the bike also "mowed" stuff. That means I won't have to buy that $11,449 John Deere X748 Ultimate Tractor I've also had my eye on, so when you really think about it I'm actually saving $449 bucks! (In case you're wondering, I plan to spend that money on a Garmin, which might help me finally tell my ass from my elbow.)

I wonder if they'll have a Bianchi Oltre Outre Super Duper Deluxe Record (presumably at a stand equipped with an artisanal Fred drool-collecting vessel) at the New Amsterdam Bicycle Show, which takes place in New York City this coming Saturday:

I'm not sure why people find the retro-grouchey "New Amsterdam" appellation charming. I suppose they forget that, back when New York City was Dutch, it wasn't full of bicycles--actually, it was full of slaves. There's nothing charming about that. Anyway, the promotional email I received concerning this event said that the New Amsterdam Bicycle Show "kicks off Bike Month NYC 2011," and given the current cycling climate here in New York this should be the most awkward and uncomfortable Bike Month to date. At best, Bike Month NYC 2011 will evoke that one Thanksgiving just after your parents announced that they were divorcing, your brother showed up with a prostitute who kept excusing herself from the table to "use the bathroom," and your sister reported she just flunked out of Bard. (Obviously this is a fictional scenario, since it is completely impossible to flunk out of Bard.) I wonder if any of the exhibitors will get ticketed by the NYPD for rolling their bikes across the sidewalk and into the venue, or for not having lights and bells on them, or for handling them without wearing "helments." Other cities may treat bike shows with a certain degree of respect since they're sources of revenue, but in New York City a bike show generates about as much tax revenue for the city as a single Carrie Bradshaw wannabe shopping at Barney's during her lunch hour, so I expect the New Amsterdam Bicycle Show to be received about as warmly as Critical Mass.

Meanwhile, cyclists who oppose bike lanes like to claim that "the Man" wants to herd us all into them like they're some kind of "bicycle ghetto," and while I used to scoff at this I'm beginning to think there may be something to it. Via the Twitter, it seems like the latest phase of the NYPD's "bicycle crackdown" involves ticketing cyclists for straying from the bike lane:

Sure, it's not quite as bad as the old "block the bike lane and then ticket cyclists for leaving it" flim-flam, but it's still pretty irritating--especially since it's not illegal. Nevertheless, I do think we need to have compassion for the individual officers. I'm sure these directives are coming from somewhere "on high," and I'm also sure at least a few of these officers joined the force with an honest desire to "serve and protect," only to become disillusioned when they discovered only three avenues were open to them:

1) Ticket people on bikes for not doing anything wrong;

2) Arrest tourists and Carrie Bradshaw wannabe-wannabes for buying counterfeit handbags;

3) Escort celebrities like Puff Daddy or P-Dandy or Fluff Daniels or whatever his name is now:

That last one really must sting, especially when you consider Muff Caddy's fortune is built at least in part on producing drug dealing primers like the "Ten Crack Commandments."

Then again, maybe ticketing cyclists does qualify as "serving and protecting" the general public, for according to the New York Post* 24% of cyclists don't stop at red lights:

*I am no longer linking to stupid New York Post bicycle articles since I don't want to contribute to their website traffic; instead I will simply reprint these articles in their entirety.

Bicycles built for boors
April 26, 2011

New Yorkers take it as a given that far too many bicyclists are clueless, boors or bullies -- and City Hall's ill-considered decision to cede them wide swaths of municipal boulevards has reinforced that conviction.

It seems that three-fifths of bikers are willing to obey traffic laws -- and the rest are still ripping around town like hell on wheels.

A week-long Post investigation in cycle-friendly SoHo found that more than 40 percent of bikers at one location blew through red lights -- imagine that! -- and committed other serious moving violations, too.

Observing the 7,182 cyclists using the well-worn bike lanes at Lafayette and Prince streets, Post reporters found:

* 1,759 bikers ran red lights (24 percent of traffic there).

* 1,111 rode the wrong way or swerved in and out of bike lanes (15 percent).

* 81 rode on the sidewalk (which is illegal for adults).

Those violations are no joke -- there were close scrapes and near-collisions every 15 minutes during the week.

But police handed out not a single ticket -- despite the 2,951 violations The Post witnessed.

All that came in an area where Mayor Mike and Transportation Commissioner Janette Sadik-Khan remade the roadway in an effort to make streets safer.

But the fact is that bikers are indeed boors -- and Sadik-Khan's sacrifice of miles of city traffic lanes for their benefit hasn't made them any better behaved.

Bike activists (hey, New York has all sorts of activists) claim cyclists have been the victims of an unjustified NYPD crackdown lately.

Unjustified?

If you ask us, the cops can't crack down hard enough.

They need to keep it up.

The spuriousness of this "investigation" aside, I'd say 24% non-compliance is actually pretty damn good, especially when you consider that roughly zero percent of motorists observe any of the stop signs in my neighborhood, and that, during a seven-second walk signal on Coney Island Avenue in Brooklyn, at least two or three cars will typically blow through the red at full speed.

But yes, by all means, let's crack down on the cyclists. Apparently the Department of Transportation agrees, since, as I mentioned yesterday, they want us all to take a "Bike Smart Pledge:"

At the very least, they could furnish us with a more realistic oath. I propose something like the following:

I want to help keep cycling in New York City remedial. I pledge to:

1) "Rock" a crabon front wheel that costs more than the rest of my "tarck" bike;

2) Pen an impassioned screed on Craigslist when aforementioned "tarck" bike is stolen while I'm getting drunk in a stylized dive bar;

3) Make sure at least 25% of my posterior crack is exposed at all times;

4) Hire a coach to help me upgrade from Cat 5 to Cat 4;

5) Wear a full-face helmet and body armor when riding my downhill bike on Prospect Park nature trails.

I'm proud to report we're already at near-100% compliance.

At any rate, if asking us to take a "pledge" weren't ridiculous enough, the DOT is also embarking on a "Don't Be a Jerk" cycling PSA campaign:

Now, there are certainly some really bad cyclists out there, many of whom might qualify as "jerks," but for the most part these really bad cyclists are just hurting themselves. And yes, while the cyclist who runs a red light and gets killed by a car is ultimately responsible for his fate, I think calling him a "jerk" is in rather poor taste. At the very least, as an entity that should be looking out for people, I don't think the DOT is in a position to be calling anybody a "jerk." Maybe I'd be okay with it if they insulted motorists too, but I went to the DOT's website and all I found there was advice on how they can park and avoid traffic. That's just unfair. If we're going to have insult-based PSAs, they should cover everybody, and the invective should be commensurate with the amount of damage the vehicle is likely to cause. This would mean that if cyclists are going to get "Don't Be a Jerk," then motorists should get something like this:

Sure, it's a bit harsh, but I've also never heard of a cyclist losing control of his bicycle on the 59th Street bridge and plowing into a check cashing place.

Speaking of Craigslist, Prospect Park, and plowing into things, as the spring arrives in New York City the "missed connections" become increasingly "flambullient:"


Beautiful Goddess in the park - m4w (Prospect park)
Date: 2011-04-26, 10:53PM EDT

I was riding my bike tonight in prospect park, getting my sweat on, and there you appeared: A vision of Olympus, you beautiful black Goddess. I nearly crashed my bike into the jogger a few feet ahead of you trying to crane my neck back to get a better look at you. Your round ass was God's best work for whatever decade you were born.. I'm guessing it was the 70s. Your voluptuous breasts were mouth watering. You were walking with someone else.. they looked like a pile of dead raccoons next to you. You had long hair.. I think it was extensions of some sort. It has been nearly an hour since my encountering you and all I can think about is motorboating your ass cheeks. My God that ass was madness...madness I tell you!

I wonder if this is what the DOT means about being a jerk.