Monday, December 13, 2010

Load-Bearing: Smugness, Ambiguity, and Indifference

(Seasonal Greetingsways, via Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne)

I tend to figure things out late. For example, it wasn't until recently that I discovered putting your shoes on after your pants is not only much easier, but also prevents you from tracking mud into your crotch. Similarly, I was also very late to the cargo bike party (or, more accurately, cargo bike smugness self-gratification circle), dismissing such bicycles as too impractical for my environment until I took delivery of a Surly Big Dummy and fell in love with its capacity to carry lots of stuff while handling mostly like a "normal" bicycle, with plenty of room left over to haul my increasingly bloated sense of self-importance. I look forward to growing old with the Big Dummy, like this couple who are clearly enjoying the joy and intimacy of meat shopping well into their golden years:

Few things are more beautiful than a relationship based on trust, understanding, and mutual meat appreciation. We should all be so lucky, and may their love outlast their arteries.

In any case, as you probably know the Big Dummy uses the Xtracycle system, with which you could even transform your Ikea bike into your dream meat-hauler. Consequently, between Surly and Xtracycle I seem to have been abducted by a smugness cabal, and I've just learned from the latter that they're having a contest to find the best story about "dumping their fully loaded Xtracycle:"

I had previously thought that contests for stories about dumping your load were the exclusive domain of pornographic magazines, but as I said I'm usually late to pick up on things. (I'd also think having a contest that basically hinges on customers talking about how your product failed them would be bad for business, but I guess Xtracycle are confident that they have cornered the smugness market.) Anyway, you can vote for your favorite Xtracycle mishap until December 15th, and the finalists are some kind of potato salad disaster (which sounds like a Dead Kennedys album):

"I turn around just in time to see the kickstand bury into the grass and a shitload of potato salad go EVERYWHERE."

And this Monty Python-esque episode:

"I strategically crashed into a neighbors shrub..."

I'm sure this method of stopping will inspire hill-bombing brakeless fixed-gear cyclists everywhere, and strategic shrub crashing will become the new skidding.

Speaking of Surly products and load dropping, Slappy recently sent me this photo of a Pugsley rider dragging a Christmas tree and/or Hanukkah bush:

Which he appears to have felled with an artisanal axe:

If the "Americana backwoods revival" continues at this rate, hipster director Michel Gondry is going to start making urban Paul Bunyan films starring Zach Galifianakis.

One thing's for certain, though: heavy bikes are the new light bikes, and via the good people (or at least not demonstrably bad people) at Just Coffee comes this study which will doubtless shake the world of "Cat 6 racing" to its very core:

In it, a rider makes the groundbreaking discovery that expensive lightweight bikes are not faster than less expensive heavier bikes when it comes to commuting--and because he's a doctor you know it's true:

Dr Jeremy Groves, a consultant anaesthetist at Chesterfield Royal Hospital and self-confessed cycling fan, discovered that, "spending a lot of money on a bicycle for commuting is not necessarily going to get you to work more quickly".

Upon hearing the news, the world's fastest "Cat 6" racer promptly traded his Kalavinka for an Ikea bike:

As for the doctor, apparently his crabon bicycle was not giving him any extra time in bed:

Dr Groves declares himself "disappointed" to find out that his financial investment was giving him no extra time in bed and no less time on the road.

This would come as news to Mario Cipollini, who knows that nothing attracts sex partners like a bicycle made from crabon fribé, which is why he launched his own brand:



You should always shower after riding, but if the bike's a Cipollini I'd also recommend a shot of penicillin.

Of course, as I mentioned on Friday, unsurprisingly Cipollini is very upset that cycling is no longer "macho" enough:


In particular, he's very worried that cyclists will soon have ambiguous genitalia:

“I read an interview with Umberto Veronesi, a scientist, a reputed oncologist and Minister for Health,” Cipollini continued. “In five hundred years or more, human beings might have both sets of genitalia, male and female. I don’t want this evolution to have started already in cycling…”

In fact, to make sure this doesn't happen the UCI has already appointed Cipollini as the pro peloton's first-ever official genital inspector, and here he is demonstrating his crotchal examination technique:

(Cipollini opening the labial drapes.)

I'm not sure why Cipollini is so afraid of the intersexed, and usually that sort of attitude is the result of fearing something inside yourself--so it could be that as he approaches middle age he is growing an auxiliary vagina, which would mean that "Little Mario" is being joined by a "Little Maria." I also wonder about this Dr. Umberto Veronesi whom Cipollini cites, and what other crackpot theories he may have. It wouldn't surprise me in the least to learn that Dr. Veronesi is Cipo's Svengali and has made him believe all sorts of crazy things. Other misapprehensions under which Cipo probably labors include:

Masturbation makes you go blind--unless you use your non-dominant hand, in which case it gives you superpowers;

You can't catch an STD if you consume a pint of olive oil immediately after sex;

Suntanning prevents skin cancer.

This would go a long way towards explaining much of Cipollini's behavior.

Or it could just be that he's Italian.

Speaking of Italians, they are noted for being suave. In fact, as Campione Cycles informs me, they're so suave that Italian component manufacturer Campagnolo actually recommends installing their parts "indifferently:"

Evidently, stuff like "care" and "attention to detail" is for the sorts of nerds who ride Shimano. Campagnolo is for the insouciant.

80 comments:

Anonymous said...

peace and love

Anonymous said...

podium.
-Frye

Anonymous said...

oh yeah...early birdy.

Anonymous said...

Peace and Grease
-Tex

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Snowy Monday.

Astroluc said...

smugtastic in my middle-class rage about meh.

ken e. said...

Whap!

Anonymous said...

Cat 6 World Championships, Williamsburg, 2013~!

Desert Rider said...

Taking the time to sign in...top ten?

Anonymous said...

alloo

Anonymous said...

11th. it is an honor just to be nominated by my peers.

cycle

Pontius Pilates said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

How'd you like to beat this meat, baby!

Paul Bowen said...

A Judasy 13th

Paul Bowen said...

Gah!

Artisanal Axe Body Spray said...

Smells like victory!

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for my superpowers.

JERK OFFF

Indy Falconheads said...

"Or he could just be Italian."

Thanks for the laugh

Anonymous said...

effintoptwampeel...

Fingerbang Assistant said...

I dropped my load when Mario winked.

Anonymous said...

rum, sodomy and the lash

Paul Bowen said...

Four things:

Strategically crashing into a neighbour's shrub cost me my first marriage.

Riding through snow dragging a Christmas tree whilst carrying an axe/ax in one hand must be about the least fun you can have on a bicycle.

Far be it for me to gainsay a consultant anaesthetist, even outwith his area of expertise, but my light bike gets me to work about 10 minutes quicker than my heavy bike but then the heavy bike is a Brompton so may not count or something.

Cipollini looks like he's about to inspect this lad: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d2/Blake_Nebuchadnezzar_variant.jpg

Anonymous said...

This one: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/d2/Blake_Nebuchadnezzar_variant.jpg

Anonymous said...

Sod it - it's Blake's Nebuchadnezzar

Anonymous said...

Strategic crashing....done that. Bail out before you're going too fast and don't be scared to look like a twat; it beats breaking bones. Just make sure that the bush/shrub/hedge isn't a hawthorn...

hey nonny mouse.

wp said...

whap?

my chain was frozen

shaun said...

Light bikes do you make your commute faster on average.

Because they spend more time in the shop being repaired, you drive to work more often and save lots of time.

Campagnolo equipped bikes are even faster...

Anonymous said...

How about a Cargo Bike Club to help spread the smugness...

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

Whoooooooo!!!! Whoooo!


Wait.

Yeah... Whatever...eh.

Anonymous said...

CAPTION THIS:

http://velonews.competitor.com/2010/12/news/gone-in-30-seconds-jeremy-powers-plummets-from-1st-to-3rd_152744/attachment/2010-usac-cyclocross-national-championships

gregoryyy said...

Aright.I"m getting the subliminals,here,again.

"BJ's" on the shopping cart and meat inspection?

Cargo bikes and a Pugsley? Oh yes,speaking of Surley..

Santa Douche said...

Who is fat and jolly and once a year brings toys and presents to all the whiny liberal pussies?

Disgruntl Ed. said...

In my admittedly small world, crashing into shrubs is a tactical rather than a strategic move.

Strategic crashing into shrubs is premeditated stupidity. I reserve that for other things, in my admittedly small world.

Anonymous said...

A well-adjusted pair of brakes helps me ride swiftly around the city (via no more worrying about maiming a baby stroller in the crosswalk).

gregoryyy said...

I would kill for a Big Dummy.

Anonymous said...

"cargo bike smugness self-gratification circle" jerk.

Comment deleted said...

I hope Mario can overcome his pegina envy soon...

db said...

If Cipo really had an auxiliary vagina, he'd never leave the house.

SELF PLSR
.

Anonymous said...

Paul B, did you lose your first marriage after the crash because you were not wearing protection?

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

AYSTHSMB

leroy said...

What I don't get is why the owner of the most travelled yang in pro cycling wouldn't want his own yin. It would save time commuting.

Boo Fucking Hoo said...

Two things:

your command of sexual innuendo is truly admirable.

good call: Zach Galifianakis would make a great Paul Bunyan.

L'idiot said...

At what point did Mario reassure us of the laterally stiff yet vertically compliancy of his bottom bracket?
And was it a personal or bicycle reference?

(I am non-Italian fluent...)

Anonymous said...

I'd have to say that Mario is right: pro cycling is increasingly for the effete. Robbie McEwen was the last hope for two-wheeled machismo, but is fading to the pasture. Cavendish is a pretend tough guy, but any tough moves just result in a 10-rider pile up.

Duke said...

http://freshpics.blogspot.com/2010/12/christmas-tree-made-from-100-bicycles.html

I KNOW there is a punchline in here somewhere. How about it, Snobby?

smugness said...

Wow! I got that! This year is MMX. Which would make next year MMXI! Whoa!

L'idiot said...

P.S.
Astroluc:
Excellent!
That's going on my Quotes List.

Anonymous said...

insouciant!

CommieCanuck said...

I love the Cipo video, carefully reading La Gazzetta, and sighing after still not finding a cure for that rare herpes strain. Oh well, might as well go out for a ride on yet another overpriced crabon biek.

Of course Campy's labels are indifferent, the attitude is much different over there, they don't spend hours perusing how to install tubulars on Zinn's blog, they just get on the f-ing bike and push the pedals, the rest is just to sell bullshit to dentists so you can afford nice suits and disease-free hookers.

Cycling, the sport of very skinny men in lycra with shaved legs, needs to get more machismo -who would have guessed?

Oh, there ...I've done it, I broke a nail.. tssst.

Don Cherry said...

ya know..that Merio Chiphole weenie... I haveta say, is one good lookin' eyetalian..that pic reminded me of Bobby that time in the Bruin's showers in '77..it was after that I started wearin' pink flowered blazers. Not that I've got the gay or anythin'..just sayin', ya got Bobby Orr bent over, ya got steam and lotsa soap..stuff happens. Normal stuff.

crosspalms said...

Close the drapes, Cipo, you're letting in a draft. And take your shoes off, for god's sake.

Anonymous said...

"When I lose I'm not able to congratulate the winner, cos' he's taking the sweet suckling tittie from my mouth."

Words to live by.
Thanks, SuperMario.

Anonymous said...

Quando perdo non riesco a congratularsi con il vincitore, perché aveva preso il dolce seno lattante dalla mia bocca

SPORTS SATAN said...

TORONTO IS GETTING THE BILLS

LONG LIVE LOW BUDGET SUB PAR MEDIOCRITY


GO LEAFS!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Riding in the slick snow while dragging cargo and carrying an unsheathed axe? This is how Darwin figured out survival of the fittest even before the Beagle. Thin that herd, Mr artisinal axe, thin that herd...

Buffalo Bill said...

Do I have to go to a rabbi to get my axe unsheathed, or can anyone do it?

bikesgonewild said...

...guess i get to be the 1st...

...esteemed commenter daddo-one...awesome little 'christmahannukwanza-festivus' decorationway...

...total props amigo...nothing but a cool factor of like a 100+...enjoy the season...

bikesgonewild said...

...the last time i saw that smug bastard mario cipollini @ interbike i yelled "hey mario, go fuck yourself"...

...this article goes a long way in explaining his reply "Io non sono evoluti così lontano, amico" ("i haven't evolved that far, friend")...

...to quote dave stoller's dad "damned eye-ties"...

H. Keller said...

I spelled cake, I got cock.

Dave! said...

Is "dumping your load" also known as a Dirty Sammy Sanchez or a Dirty Luis Leon Sanchez? I can never remember and Urban Dictionary is no help at all.

wp said...

oh eff me. a bicycle=financial investment? bullshit!!!

financial investments are those things by which one reasonable expects to profit from-in the form of m-o-n-e-y. stuff like enron or bp stocks, mutual funds, municipal bonds, inventory if you retail, raw materials if you manufacture, etc...

applying the term "investment" to end-user consumer goods is a great trick of the marketing departments-an attempt to hide the fact that your money is _gone_ and you might get 30% of it back when you sell whatever consumeristic goodie it was (no matter how exclusive or curated she be).

yes, if snobbie hands me a 10,000 dollar bill, i could go buy a ludicrously light and beautiful, hand-fitted frame (in any material) from any number of top-of-the-block builders.

but it's not going to make me go faster.

on my fekking commute!

but then _we all_ knew that.

somebody send that guy a link to sheldon's writings. he can play "catch up" without boring the public with more useless "research".

cheerios and loops of fruit

lady of chaste said...

get your big dummy away from my shrubberies!

ni!

Doktor Froderick Frankensteen said...

White bikes are faster than black bikes.

White reflects all photons and black absorbs all photons.

Of course night time is a whole other thingie.

a nonny mouse said...

P Bowen, we call that a "push in the bush"

Wm Riker said...

get your big dummy away from my shrubberies!

ni!
so, howdowe make the torpedoes?

Anonymous Doktor Froderick Frankensteen said...
White bikes are faster than black bikes.White reflects all photons and black absorbs all photons.

Of course night time is a whole other thingie.

December 13, 2010 10:18 PM

Lt. Data said...

oh my whatta clusterpaste!

Anonymous said...

Speaking of backwoods revival, the next wave might just be artisanal pencil sharpening.
http://www.artisanalpencilsharpening.com/index.html

Anonymous said...

Anyone seen one of these Ktraks setups in person? forget the fat tires, lets see tank tracks. http://ktrakcycle.com/

Anonymous said...

In 500 years time the genderway indifferent Shepollini will not so much be remembered as an ancient pro cyclist, but instead will be revered by the predominate sub species (Homo sapien shemaleien) as the Adam and Eve of their kind. Shepollini will also be regarded by history as the founding fathermother of the distant futures most popular sport: Cyclocrossdressing. Some historians will contend that the practice of cross dressing on bicycles began before the emergence of the Shepollini bloodline during the single speed mountain bike racing era, otherwise known by future academia as "The Second Dark Age" due to the stagnated and regressed state of cycling at this time, but popular mythology will attest otherwise.
When some smug person tells you that cycling is the transport of the future, don't listen. It will in fact be the tranny sport of the future. And I should mention, Shepollini says that wet chain lube is categorically better that dry chain lube, for hair styling. ce

Anonymous said...

That was comment 69, but clearly my sense of humour is far too mature to acknowledge that fact. Also, I just thought I should point out that quiet often you have to pay a premium for a hefty bicycle, particularly in the world of cargo bikes. As the rider of a tricked out Big Dummy I sometimes find myself wondering: "Perhaps I could have settled for a relatively cheap carbon fibre racing bike?" I assure you, it would be quicker. But, then I remember: "Oh yeah, zombie apocalypse". ce

CommieCanuck said...

wp said...

oh eff me. a bicycle=financial investment? bullshit!!!


Depends. No $12,000 bike is an investment.

But, a $750 commuter bike, when used over a car will definitely break even in a few years and make money beyond year three. Factor in gas, parking, car wear, etc. it actually is an investment. Plus, the karma.

Anonymous said...

Re: Mario Cipollini video -
It must be great to use a watt meter when you are banging chicks.

Anonymous said...

What the fuck is up with the shoes in a nude shot? What's he hiding? Unmanly feet?!!!

Anonymous said...

Gotta keep the feet warm with those house shoes or Lil' Mario curls up & goes to sleep!

Stevil said...

Moobs are the new Aerospoke.

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