Monday, November 15, 2010

Things are Looking Up: It's a Comfort Thing

This past Friday, I mentioned so-called "Cat 6" racing, in which Nü-Freds and other "bike culture" aspirants race other cyclists over the area bridges on their way to or from work for what I can only imagine they believe to be "bragging rights." Of course, in many cases, their "opponents" are completely unaware that they are even being engaged in a race, which makes any subsequent bragging on the part of the victor about as logical as a would-be Lothario boasting about his sexual conquest of an inanimate object such as a fur-lined mitten or a bowl of room temperature Jell-O. Still, despite its inherent dorkiness, I imagine that "Cat 6" racing (the dessert-sodomizing of the cycling world) will continue indefinitely, and it would not surprise me if local coaches are already offering specialized commuter race training programs in anticipation of the inevitable increase in popularity the "sport" is about to enjoy.

Even I have unwittingly raced in the "Cat 6" field (and I'm not referring to my recent Prospect Park incident, which was beyond "Cat 6" and can only be classified as "Cat Douche"). After riding over the Manhattan Bridge one evening, a winded Nü-Fred type rolled up next to me and complimented me on my strong ride. Evidently, he had been trying to beat me over the bridge and failed, and so in a rather sportsmanlike and gentlemanly fashion was conceding defeat. This was highly puzzling to me since I had no idea he was even there in the first place, and it also made me wonder how many of the cyclists who pass me on a regular basis during my commuting and errand-running are actually congratulating themselves as they do so. ("I totally schooled that schlubby guy on the Big Dummy with the box of fair trade coffee.") It all goes to show that each one of us dwells in his or her own completely subjective reality (though objectively speaking, some of these "realities" are much dorkier than others).

Even worse than being unwittingly mixed up in a bike race is being unwittingly mixed up in an electric motorcycle race--especially when that electric motorcycle collides with you, as in this article which was forwarded to me by a reader:

I don't know anything about the "around-the-world race for zero-emission vehicles" in which the motorcycle was embroiled, but I can only imagine it's some incredibly smug version of "The Cannonball Run." Also, riders of highly flatulent motorcycles such as Harley Davidsons with de-baffled exhausts have long defended their "Look at me! During the week I'm a lawyer, but today I'm an outlaw!" behavior with the claim that "loud pipes save lives." The implication here is that their flatulence alerts other road users to their presence and serves as a safety measure, even though if you've ever been overtaken by such a machine you know it doesn't so much "alert" you as it does confuse and disorient you by pounding on your brain from all directions until you finally see some guy on a $30,000 motorcycle who looks and sounds like he's sitting on a rolling toilet. Still, I guess the ear-splitting rumble emitted by a middle-aged professional who still hasn't outgrown his childish desire to show everybody that he knows how to use the potty is better than "silent creep," in which you're suddenly overtaken by some stealthily smug person you couldn't hear at all:

Car makers are only just beginning to come to terms with what is known as ‘‘silent creep’’, or the ability of electric vehicles to move almost silently at low speeds.

Yes, as the streets fill with electric cars and motorcycles and "e-bikes" and hopped-up Segways that can reach speeds of over 200mph we can all expect their drivers to constantly startle us like "the sidler" in that "Seinfeld" episode. That's why I'm a strong advocate for laws requiring electric vehicles to emit a minimum level of noise, and given the high smugness quotient of their drivers I think an appropriate sound would be the droning intonations of their hero Al Gore:



When you hear that soporific monotone behind you it's best to simply pull over and let them pass, since they're generally too busy congratulating themselves to drive carefully. Of course, this could have the unwanted side-effect of causing other road users to fall asleep at the wheel.

Maybe they should just fit all electric vehicles with a loudspeaker that plays the sound of a V-twin motorcycle with straight pipes.

Meanwhile, speaking of wacky contraptions, the New York Times recently took a hard-hitting look at the horizontal world of recumbent cycling:

Recumbent riders were no doubt floored to see themselves covered by the Times--or at least they would have been if they weren't all lying on the floor already. In the world of fixed-gears, riders say "It's a Zen thing" and speak of a state of perfect brakeless awareness. Recumbent riders, on the other hand, don't talk about Zen. They talk about "The Comfort." "You have to accept the comfort," they intone as they lower you into the machine. Then, just as you begin to ease into it, biomechanical tentacles emerge and lash you to the vehicle as mechanical arms suture a beard onto your face and drill a helmet mirror directly into your skull. Having been subsumed by "The Comfort," you then roam the roads in a prone position forevermore. Just as the Flying Dutchman can never make port, the Lying Down Cyclist can never again dwell among uprights.

So why do it? So you can stare straight up in the air as you ride:

I could see the appeal on a long ride. My hands were no longer holding up my torso but instead were gripping a set of low handlebars. My head, now in a position more like that of driving a car, was free to take in the fall foliage unfurling above us from a vantage point I’ve rarely noticed.

Like this:

Ah yes, I remember my first "epic" recumbent ride all the way to Florida and the fascinating "vantage point" of the foliage it afforded me. We started up north:

I rode during the day:


And I rode at night:


All the while, I enjoyed that "vantage point" I had been missing on an upright bike, never looking down until I reached my destination:

In fact, I didn't look down even after I reached my destination, since my neck was now permanently craned like Lemmy Kilmister's. Really, that was my only complaint--apart from the time my "vantage point" caused me to accidentally ride into the Lincoln Tunnel because I couldn't see where I was going:

I can assure you there was no "silent creep" in there--in fact I never heard so many car horns at one time in my life since I pretty much brought traffic to a halt. I'm looking forward to reading the "Lincoln Tunnel Prone Dork Clog Slog" article in the New York Post as soon as I get back from the chiropractor.

But while the view overhead may be a key component of the recumbent experience, fixed-gear cycling is all about looking at yourself. Consider this video, which proves fixed-gear preening is the new fixed-gear freestyle:

PERSEVERANCE from NAYP on Vimeo.

I wasn't sure why this was called "Perseverance," since the only things the protagonist was persevering in were riding slowly and being a total hipster. But then I realized the video was Brazilian, so I ran the title through a popular online translator:

It made a lot more sense after that.

Meanwhile, even though the fixed-gear phenomenon has long gone global, regional news broadcasts still follow the "fixie" reporting template, complete with awkward explanation of how a fixed-gear drivetrain works. For example, in this recent segment from Los Angeles, the newscaster explains that "Fixed gear bikes are kind of like a unicycle:"



I suppose fixed-gears are kind of like a unicycle--apart from the two wheels, and the diamond frame, and the chain drive, and the handlebars... Actually, come to think of it, fixed-gears and unicycles have almost nothing in common, except for the fact that you'll often find clowns on top of them. And speaking of clowns, it's worth noting that the shop in the news report is the same one in that tall bike video that has been making the rounds recently:



LA Brakeless is now LA Windowless.

Lastly, the maker of the "Fuss Vom Gas" video has alerted me to his latest project, which chronicles the exploits of the "Rad Rowdies" bike club:



Apparently, "The Rad Rowdies are a Viennese bike gang -- drinking and riding is their mission." (Though it's clear from the video that they also take time out for the application of new knuckle tattoos.) I'm not sure how smart this mission is--it seems about as wise as "The Rad Rowdies are a Viennese urologist gang -- drinking and performing vasectomies on each other is their mission." I wonder if somewhere in the world some "bike culture" renegade will actually come out and say something like, "You know, maybe getting really drunk and riding our bikes around the city isn't a great idea." Probably not. This is the "bike culture" after all--anything goes as long as you wear a helmet.

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

hi

JahKnow said...

NIIIIIIIICE

Cav Not said...

Pod!

samh said...

Prepared for another great week of editorial smugness with BSNYC.

david m. said...

Snubbed.

Anonymous said...

commuter racing to the podium

Maggie Windsor said...

Second

f said...

Zowie!

f said...

Zowie!

PawnShop said...

Spell velodrome.

g-roc said...

Where am I?

BikeSnobNYC said...

PawnShop:

T-A-R-C-K.

--RTMS

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

WIEN MIST

ARSH LOCH

ANGE BERN

ant1 said...

snobby - "...as it does confuse disorient..."

Anonymous said...

no comment

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Astroluc said...

Seventeen... Heaventeen

Astroluc said...

:(

eighteen hateteen

hillbilly said...

I really have to stop watching those videos.

thomas said...

That tall bike video is priceless. It's been quite a long time since I've laughed that hard at work.

Comment deleted said...

A Brazilian hipster contemplates the concentric rings spreading evenly from the splash of a tossed stone; like those rings, he will become one with his environment, overcoming all obstacles and taking on the ultimate challenge:

a hill.

In a deeply connected way that no gear-queer can possibly understand, he "perserveres" his man-machine up the inclined road. Nothing, not even the desire to get a new tattoo, will stop him from completing his quest.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

how do the deaf ever survive?

I am not a jello raper engine said...

Tall bike polo, german "austrian" rap, some really horrendous outfits,
seems dork-tude has no international limits.

Sort of like raping room temperature jello.

Thanks for showing us the best of single speed "culture".

OBA said...

Umm...that's Lothario. I imagine a "Lethario" would be a scandinavian bike-film producing ladies-man.

Astroluc said...

at exactly :47 on that video, it looks like they cut right before that fixter achieved a "zen-like" state of a coma from being hit by an SUV.

Grump said...

You've given me the idea for the next new "in" thing.

fixed-gear recumbent riding.

Just imagine riders, looking like the "Smith Brothers" doing massive skid stops.

Anonymous said...

It's good to see the billysburg fixsters haven't cornered the international douchiness scene and that LA, brazil and austria also are making a significant contribution.

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

i have always said the site needs more heads through glass - two in one day is a dream come true.

Buffalo Bill said...

Well, those Austrians have one thing over their US counterparts: better beer. And they seem to consume admirable quantities of it too.

Paul Bowen said...

Nowt wrong with recumbents apart from the going uphill and the flags. If I lived in the land of Nethers and had the room, I might even get one.

Anonymous said...

yes CAT 6, nearly everyday someone races me on my morning commute. One of the more popular moves of the CAT 6 racer is the slow coast up to a changing light and then "rocketing" past me, like I'm standing still (because I am), while I come up to speed again from a full stop. Is there a word for this type of move.

mikeweb said...

So let me get this straight: If someone passes you that means they're racing you? How can you tell? Do they do this? Or this.

yikesbikes said...

This is great...

Anonymous said...

Actually, come to think of it, fixed-gears and unicycles have almost nothing in common, except for the fact that you'll often find clowns on top of them.

Priceless.

cycle

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

I guess.

Anonymous said...

Was the Canadian cyclist run over by the electric motorcycle wearing Canadian Oakleys at the time?

Cognorant said...

I was riding on the midtown green way in Mpls one fall evening last year, my shadow stretched about 60 feet out in front of me and I was finishing the last minute of an interval so I was going at a pretty good (for me) clip. The shadow reached the fixed gear hipster out in front of me, when he saw it he turned & looked back at me then stood up an pedaled furiously. I continued to slowly overtake him & a couple of times and he turned & looked back, then pedal even harder. I finally came up next to him, continued past and as he slowed and retreated behind me I heard some desperate shouting most of which I couldn't understand but I heard very clearly "BLAH, BLAH...IF I WAS ON MY ROAD BIKE...BLAH...BLAH..."

I laughed and laughed

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Actually, come to think of it, fixed-gears have more in common with tricycles than with unicycles.

Angry Sam said...

On the random occasions when I'll blow past a fixie rider going up a hill, is that Cat 6 racing, or just an educational display of mechanical advantage? What if I shout "GEARS!" as I go?

calmdownpeople said...

anon 1:46 - well, not a word, but it's called conserving energy, timing the light so you don't have to start from a complete standstill, and it may very likely have NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!

Anonymous said...

I heard ya got heckled in the big SI this weekend!

studioe said...

Stereotyping is fun, but there actually are folks who ride recumbents only occasionally, but remain primarily what pure recumbent riders call, "wedgies".

The "trike" form of recumbent is a blast. For anyone who remembers riding a go-cart down a hill on the limits of control, they bring this feeling to mind. Low, fast and maneuverable.....and yes comfortable.

http://bicycledesign.net/2008/11/eric%E2%80%99s-lunatrike/

But no hills please.

devetron said...

With all due respect, RTMS, "prone" means lying belly down, not up.

Dave said...

MOTORHEAD!

MTOR HEAD

grog said...

Brilliant!

Douchey McDouche said...

There once was a douche named Douche
Who douched so much that he douched.
So he said, "I'll douche with my douche"
And you douche with your douche
And together we'll get douched, You big douche".

crosspalms said...

anon 2:24,

I get passed by lots of people who time the light by ignoring it altogether. Then I have to pass their energy-conserving asses a block later.

Deep breaths. Ommm

There. All calm now.

bikesgonewild said...

...as a cyclist, i look down on all recumbent riders...

...i mean literally...

...it's not an attitude thingy at all...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

I'm freaking out about these CAT-6's over here...

Is there a handicap I should be applying when calculating my standings? I pass Billyburg bridge riders about six to one compared to Manhattan bridge riders.

Or then again, are slow commuter-racers just teaming up with the other traffic to sabotage my HR department Time Trials?

calmdown said...

yes, crosspalms, i wasn't saying they were racing, in fact I was saying the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE

Anonymous said...

According to the latest reports, the zero emission motorcyclist hit a cyclist who popped off the sidewalk directly into his path. Forget loud pipes - how about taking a long enough look each way to see a motorcyclist?

bikesgonewild said...

...devetron sez..."With all due respect, RTMS, "prone" means lying belly down, not up."...

...while 'supine' would be more specific as it is definitively "lying back, face upward", 'prone' from the latin 'pronus' meaning "bent forward" can also simply refer to "lying flat or prostrate"...

...not that i'm the arbitrator of all things grammatical what with my 'punctuation-al' habits but i'd suggest 'close', amigo 'but no cigar'...

Bobby said...

The sound of that FRED crashing into the store front was...priceless. Extricating said Fred from his bike was equally priceless. Not that I wish bad things to happen to Freds, as they will do this all on their own. In the process, it makes for a huge dose of bad juju for cyclists as a whole- the public ends up painting us all in the same brush stroke.

At least, the fluorescent colors and bare bones bikes look different enough from the rest of us. Well, one can only hope.

Promoting bicycles as "brakeless" goes against the grain, don't you think some righteous city councilman might be tempted to draft yet another pointless law to try and "save them from themselves?" Perish the thought. As a shop proprietor, I would cringe at the liabilities, especially in lawyer-infused California, of selling cycles "sans brakes."

Morgan said...

fixed gear recumbent. I think RTMS even linked this before.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Laid-back.

Test Tickle said...

WNDW HEAD

i believe this was the first time i really did LOL at work!

balls.

Frank Eeckman said...

This is one of the year's best!!

crosspalms said...

Calmdown,

So was I!

CAPS LOCK

Rick @ Bicycle Fixation said...

I had a bit of a chuckle when buying a brake for one of my fixed-gears at LA Brakeless!

Actually a very nice shop. My 66-year-old roadie friend Bill goes there and loves 'em.

And...+1 for "supine."

ben said...

I ride a recumbent to work and a DF bike in the winter. Short wheelbase recumbents are very twitchy to start, but after a few rides you get used to it. Unfortunately I have brakes on my recumbent /sarcasm.

jimmynuetron said...

Electric is good. But hearing Munir flooring his yellow Crown Vic from two blocks away is also good.

db said...

The original "Cannonball Run" was smug enough, wasn't it?

Anonymous said...

No, no, no... You've got it all wrong.

The guys passing you on the Wmsbg Bridge or the Allen St bike lane are what's known as PATHLETES!

CAT 6 is your archtypical "dentist on a Serotta" if full pro kit "hammering": at 19 mph up 9W. Basically, any NYCC A rider.

"Guppy" Honaker said...

Hey Bike Snob,

" . . .the droning intonations of . . . . Al Gore." Touché!

He jets around on his private jet to warn about global warming. What an idiot.

- David

Top 10 Aloe Vera Juice Benefits
Holistic Nutrition and Health

PawnShop said...

Anon@6:12

Pathletics & pathletes have nothing to do with it. The activity is Cat. 6 racing, and the venue is 'everyday riding around'.
ANYBODY on a Serotta is a "dentist". And probably a Nu-Fred.
HTH

Eh I Dunno said...

I went to Vienna and I got some stale Sacher torte for too many euros, and then some old lady reprimanded me on the subway for having a beard that was zu lang.

In other words, I can sympathize entirely with the kids' need to get drunk and naked and ride their bikes like a nut just to tick off all the uptight old Nazi mthrfckrs that still live there.

Anonymous said...

Snob- how about adding some looking up skirts of smokin babes pics as a view point from a recumbent... i may just have to try one..

today a new level of smugness, love it!

Bradford said...

A) That owner of LA Brakeless is a serious douche. To take pleasure in bragging about how dangerous a bike can be is beyond sophomoric. If you really want to play that came, we should open a shop called LA Brakeless and Handlebarless.

And if anything - those are much more like unicycles without or without the clowns.

B) Secondly - the fact these reports are how most of middle-America absorbs cultural trends and sub-cultures explains a lot about why people in middle-America have so little understanding of urban cultures.

C) However, nothing is worse than a Harley rider. In fact - I am surprise that Snobbie has not picked up on the fact that the only difference between Fixed-Gear riders and Harley riders is age and belly size. Each uses a purchased piece of equipment to define the individual they really are meant to be, not the trust-fund douche or father of trust-fund douche.

electric recumbent rider... said...

A bike makes very little noise when moving too, people using the roads should use their eyes as well as their ears.

If recumbents hadn't been banned by the UCI along with aerodynamics, suspension, decent brakes, small wheels, monocoques, and Scotsmen maybe we would mostly be riding them and you would be mocking "uprighters" for staring fixedly down at the tarmac all day...

Anonymous said...

LA Windowless! bahaha

Paul said...

"I can assure you there was no 'silent creep' in there--in fact I never heard so many car horns at one time in my life since I pretty much brought traffic to a halt."

Should be:

"I can assure you there was no "silent creep" in there since I pretty much brought traffic to a halt--in fact I never heard so many car horns at one time in my life.

[Thanks. ed.]

Paul said...

"I can assure you there was no 'silent creep' in there--in fact I never heard so many car horns at one time in my life since I pretty much brought traffic to a halt."

Should be:

"I can assure you there was no "silent creep" in there since I pretty much brought traffic to a halt--in fact I never heard so many car horns at one time in my life.

[Thanks. ed.]

Just sayin' said...

I knew this would happen when they kicked Paul off the iBob list.

Anonymous said...

Panties!

bikesgonewild said...

...paul & .ed...

...i would call you on that since it is no more grammatically correct one way or the other...

...i'd suggest that the 'factual aspect' of the statement can be divided by the qualifier as was originally written...the qualifier works in this case without distorting the intended meeting...

...there is very little significant difference either way although i'll grant you your structure is slightly 'smoother'...

...people DO however, tend to formulate written english in such a way as to completely distort the intended meaning...badly & regularly...

Anonymous said...

anon 1:46
i think you have been getting bunny fucked!

cwg said...

look who is smug now.

who hasn't had the best (and stupidest) times while riding around the city drunk?

Drinking and riding is fun!

bikesgonewild said...

...& paul ???...

...the difference was definitely not significant enough to state twice...

...just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

the day i choose to ride a recumbent

i am doing it with chevy chase and we are passing a huge dooby back and forth

bikesgonewild said...

..."...without distorting the intended meeting"...read 'meaning' @ the end of the second paragraph...

...'duh' on me...if i'm gonna call someone out, i gots to be better @ my spelling...

Mark said...

The Motorhead link caused a small quantity of beer to exit my body, via my left nose hole, and splatter my dungarees. Good show.

Anonymous said...

damn...i will even invite bill murray to ride with chevy chase

i know those guys don't like each other...but a huge dooby and recumbent riding might make it all okay!
i will have to find some place safe
some random road...where i could buy the doobage and then transport it back to dooby central

otherwise known as where the doobies are stored...and the bikes, the bikes are there too.

damn those laying down bikes...they feel like fucking lazy boys.

i love america...land of the free and home of the brave.

as long as i am smoking a dooby w chevy chase on a recumbent

life goal!

Anonymous said...

In German "rad" translates as "wheel" which might help make slightly less nonsense of the Viennese bike gang name.
The upside to this info is that "radler" = wheeler AKA cyclist, so Radler beer is literally cycling beer!

Anonymous said...

shit...i might invite tom cruise on the dooby ride

that guy is fucking funny after a spliff!

i don't think he is not so hot on laying down lazy boy style...more of a prone guy

check check

Anonymous said...

recumbong

cooler than king kool menthols

Anonymous said...

i like
i like laying down on a bicycle
(soft tempo)

(aggro rap)
two wheels
short for the deals
i have a soft penis
that i call enis
like the dukes of harzard
call it
'chuck chuck chuck' in hazard

(back to soft tempo i will bang this chick shit)
i like
i like laying down on a bicycle

Anonymous said...

shit!
i never even thought of inviting president clinton to the dooby recumbent ride

the best doobies are rolled on the legs of virgins...skill set and sweat, the kind of shit that keeps us breathing

i worry about clinton totally crashing once he hears steely dan and starts looking for cocaine

Anonymous said...

i have often wanted to invite the dood from, Where's My Car?

yeah ...that bro beat motha fucka

Keanu Reeves?

wrong guy but it think he likes laying down dooown dooooown

thanks to the six million dollar man for the sound effects

Anonymous said...

Are the any Greasy Tits on this weblog?

Anonymous said...

watch out for those jews

the girls like to bagel bump until they put out cream cheese

then the guys like to toast a bagel and slather it on

strange but true

and i like it

Anonymous said...

hey
i just wanted to make sure you are okay after drop[ing a nug
hard to deal with wabistths with z holes
are we live?

leroy said...

Podium! Yes!

There was a late sprint after the 92nd comment.

Don't anyone pretend they didn't know it was on.

ktrueman said...

All in all a much classier video than some of that fixie crap put out this side of the Atlantic. Props to the Austrian chick with the NY Rangers cap!

Anonymous said...

After reading these comments, I realize that state schools have horribly failed this country. All we are producing is illiterate morons. How can we succeed if we can't communicate?

cycle

Anonymous said...

yeah fuck you
loose a ball and get cool
dont be a fairy milker

Some Guy on the Innernets said...

Anon 8:54

Overcompensate much?

mojito said...

So much in one day's post, Snob, thanks. I got a particularly good belly laugh with the comments on the Harley riders and the preposterous claim that loud is safe. "Rolling toilet" - love it.

Considering bright is also safe, if I were Supreme Ruler, I'd decree that all Harley riders must wear hot pink colorways and install a permanently running siren with the owner's choice of icecream truck tunes.

LK said...

I guess all this e-trans is bringing new meaning to Silent but Deadly.

PORT NOYY said...

COMP LAIN
LIVR WANK

Rouleur de Toilette said...

Howsabout a recumbent tallbike?
Fixed-gear and brakeless are optional. No vertically stacked tandems allowed.

Dan O said...

102nd !!

Indy Falconheads said...

I'm proctoring a final in Seattle and I can't help but laugh out loud.

Off to buy some jello!!

Anonymous said...

Can't say I understand the rant about electric vehicles. If you unpredictably swerve your bike directly into the road without looking, then you're going to get hit and it's going to be your fault. Hope both riders recover.

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Fixie Bikes said...

dick move on the electric racer's part.

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