Thursday, September 30, 2010

In a Pinch: Pleading for Clenency

Yesterday the sporting world was shocked to learn that Alberto Contador, the pretend pistol-packing, fingerbanging, incapacitated-Schleck-attacking winner of the Tour de France, had tested positive for a banned substance. This substance was clenbuterol (street name "Clen" according to iSteroids.com, the Performance Bicycle of steroids), and the test took place during the Tour, on July 21st. This revelation immediately sent use of the stock concerned Greg LeMond pursed lips photo into overdrive:


(Doping makes Greg LeMond grimace.)

According to LeMond, the fact that Contador had tested positive for a banned substance during the Tour de France is quite damning indeed--for Lance Armstrong "a certain team":

“I find it hard to believe that a professional like Alberto Contador would risk a detectable drug and I can’t believe how many people have left a certain team and then gone positive,” Lemond told Cyclingnews after hearing the news.

As for Contador himself, LeMond was more benign:

“Anything like this is devastating but this is like someone going positive for marijuana, I don’t think there’s a benefit to it but if it’s on the list, it’s on the list."

Indeed, most cycling fans would probably not feel cheated if Contador had tested positive for marijuana during the Tour, and if anything it would only make the victory that much more impressive. Anyway, sometimes it's good to be retired, since at least you can get "baked" whenever you want:



However, Contador didn't test positive for the "Wednesday Weed." He tested positive for a fad diet drug used to treat horses with asthma that was popular with Uzbecki sprinters back in the '90s. What's more, the test showed a whopping 50 picograms of the stuff, which makes him seem like a veritable "Clenface:"


(Breathe Right strip facilitates nasal "Clen" ingestion.)

Until you consider that a picogram is equal to one trillionth of a gram, which makes him more of a microscopic "Clenface" and means his rest day Clen binge would look more like this:







(Magnify this image roughly 20,000,000,000 times.)

At this point, you may be saying to yourself, "Sure, 50 picograms isn't much Clen. But all that means is that 'Clen-tador' went on an 'epic' Clen binge right before the Tour and those 50 pics (in Clen street parlance) was all that was left." However, Contador was also tested in the days immediately before the positive test and no Clen was found. So was there residual Clen kicking around in his system undetected that suddenly popped up out of nowhere one day like an erection in math class? Or did Contador indeed take 50 picograms of Clen, despite the fact that (as even Greg LeMond points out) such an infinitesimal amount would have no effect on his performance whatsoever, and would only succeed in tripping an extremely sensitive drug test? As for how he would actually consume this invisible amount of Clen, here is a picture of the syringe he might have used:





(Minimalist doping: Clen-tador's alleged syringe.)

And here is a picture of the dealer who sold him a 50 picogram bag of Clen:






(You can tell he's a drug dealer from his mustache.)

Therefore, at this point, the most likely explanation is that Alberto Contador has a miniaturization ray with which he can shrink himself down to microscopic size, like Dennis Quaid in "Innerspace:"

Once this tiny, he would easily be able to visit any one of the trillions of microscopic open-air drug markets currently in business all over Europe, and moreover he could do so without being spotted by the full-sized press. Then, once he scored and consumed his "fix," he could return to normal size without anybody being the wiser. In fact, Contador is probably not the only rider with a miniaturization ray, and I suspect that many riders may be shrinking themselves down, consuming extreme micro-doses, reaping the benefits of training while microscopic, and then re-enlarging themselves just in time for races. This would explain the popular saying, "Train small, race large."

Or, if you're the gullible type, you could buy his claim that he doesn't have a miniaturization ray at all and that the Clen was in his dinner:

While this might explain the tiny amount of Clen in his system, it totally fails to account for the miniaturization ray, and I'm just not buying his "personal grooming" excuse. Indeed, the most plausible part of this story is that Alexandre Vinokourov did not eat any of the tainted meat "because he had dinner earlier that day." As everybody knows, Vino is an egoist. As such, he always eats separately from his team, and his customary Grand Tour dinner is a cake in his own likeness:


(Alexandre Vinokourov removes the Alexandre Vinokourov cake cover from his Alexandre Vinokourov cake during his nightly cake consumption ceremony.)

Also, Contador fails to say whether he ate the entire piece of meat, or if he returned to Spain with a "doggie bag" full of leftovers and gave them to Ezequiel Mosquera.

Of course, another possibility is that Contador did indeed eat tainted meat, but that somebody with a bit of a PR problem and an artisanal ax(e) to grind intentionally slipped the Clen into his dinner:


("Just adding a little palate Clen-ser.")

In any case, all of this underscores the fundamental irony of being a cycling fan, which is that it's impossible to look away, yet at the same time it's incredibly tedious, and in order to actually see anything you need a microscope and a degree in biochemistry. Maybe they should just replace the UCI with a local bicycle advocacy group. That way, they'd simply excuse every single transgression regardless of severity as long as the rider was wearing a helmet at the time, and everybody could just get on with it.

Meanwhile, while the competitive cycling world obsesses over a modicum of Clen, their antetheses, the "cycle chic," obssess about their clothes--and once again the New York Times has printed an article about them:

Just as any article about fixed-gears must contain some awkward explanation of how the drivetrain works, so must a "cycle chic" article contain a derisory comment about "sporting" riders:

They are a far cry “from the image of the adult cyclist as infantry solider with a helmet,” Mr. Bliss said, referring mostly to the athletes and messengers who whiz by in that all-too-familiar forward-thrust posture that has, he said, “alienated every pedestrian.”

This is because the "cycle chic" are far more down to Earth than their swifter counterparts. Roadies and messengers take themselves and their bikes far too seriously, whereas the "cycle chic" simply consider them "rustic enhancements:"

“I get sweaty a little, but it doesn’t bother me,” she said. Her bike, after all, is a stylish appendage, “a kind of rustic enhancement,” she said.

I always thought that "rustic enhancement" meant holing yourself up in a log cabin with an artisanal axe and a whole bunch of Enzyte, but evidently it's just another term for "bicycle."

But life isn't all ignorance-induced bliss and rustic enhancement for the "cycle chic," who also have their share of problems. For example, sometimes people get mad at them for riding around on the sidewalk:

Ms. Page-Green, who likes to speed around on the sidewalk, has encountered hostility. “When you’re going too fast, people get mad at you,” she said. “I’ve had canes waved at me in the distance.”

I'm not sure how riding in a forward-leaning position while wearing a helmet "alienates pedestrians" but riding around on the sidewalk doesn't, but then again I'm not very "chic." Of course, it's mostly people with canes who are troubled by this, and in the "cycle chic" universe elderly people don't actually count as "pedestrians" since the statute of limitations on being "chic" runs out after 65 years. (Incidentally, if you're unfamiliar with cane-waving, it's basically an old-timey "douche-clamation point.")

Speaking of canes and "rustic enhancements," the "Cockie" entries continue to come (insert your ejaculatory joke of choice here), and it would appear that cycledom is now one step closer to a bicycle made entirely out of bamboo:

I'm not sure if bamboo bars are officially a trend, though they may be a panda-demic.

120 comments:

Desert Rider said...

MASH SAMH

Comment deleted said...

This author has been removed by his post.

Desert Rider said...

Boo to the Yah

samh said...

Mashed!

Dan Webster said...

TOP 5!!

le correcteur said...

Missed third! No podium, but at least top ten! Now to read it . . .

Anonymous said...

Top 10 baby

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Sweet, time for our two minutes’ hate!

I don’t care if I'm top ten or not. I’m just happy that I get to stop working and eat my lunch now. (Snob, would it kill you to drop these a little earlier?)

ken e. said...

hilarious!

Comment deleted said...

Bonked in the sprint...

Maybe it's time to take a training pilgrimage to Lance's home state, Canada's merkin.

Anonymous said...

steak

Nogocyclist said...

Just got through reading Fat Cyclist. Just hope Snob does not have the same photos any time soon.

ant1 said...

"Train small, race large."

gold snobby, gold. that whole paragraph really.

Desert Rider said...

Much respect samh, I couldn't stomach contending every day.

hillbilly said...

floyd. that is all.

Gimme said...

Oh you terribly funny, terrible hypocrite.

Should be working said...

Yea baby!!

Anonymous said...

MATH BONR

Paul Bowen said...

Puff...pant...toptwennee?

All those guys above are on Clem's Buttroll.

Chad said...

panda-demic??
No!! Don't do that.

Anonymous said...

...flying off of the shelves...priceless

Anonymous said...

PICO GRAM

CLEN BTRL

crosspalms said...

I liked this part of the NYT story: "And most are turning their backs on the once-customary aerodynamic helmets and latex shorts in favor of a look as fetching as it is genteel." Latex shorts were new to me, so I did an image search. Fetching, maybe; genteel, uh-uh.

Anonymous said...

Greg Lemond

specq said...

It seems obvious that Alberto was attempting to dope using homeopathy.

mikeweb said...

I missed the podium because I was microscopic when the post hit.

g said...

Hmmm.... Fingerbang caught, samh off the podium. I think someone needs to check his meat.

Bad Lawyer said...

neigh

Nogocyclist said...

Snob, you are making a false assumption about pedestrians with canes. I am 16 years younger than 65 and use a cane. I must admit I am too much of a southern redneck to ever be considered "chic," but it is not because I am old.

I must say, I have never actually waived my cane at a cyclist though, I actually need to use mine for what it was designed for.

Anyway, canes are chic!

RANTWICK said...

Panda-demic? Shame.

Anonymous said...

With all the cycling related stories in today's Times, seems pretty typical that the Snob ignores the elephant in the living room: his boyfriend's demise:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/09/30/sports/cycling/30armstrong.html?ref=sports

And attacks LeMond again.

The Snob as doping apologist -- the one area where he's a complete retard.

Anonymous said...

"insert your ejaculatory joke here"


...that's what she said.

MyWorld said...

"Ironical" rules the day!

Anonymous said...

"The Snob as doping apologist -- the one area where he's a complete retard."

?

he's clearly not an apologist. level-headed realist perhaps.

it's one area he's really very sensible on. glad there's at least one person writing on the subject who doesn't make me feel like i'm the one taking crazy pills

ant1 said...

anon 1:36 - comment of the day. nice work.

ant1 said...

anon 1:30 - that elephant walked in the room 4 months ago and has just been sitting there quietly. he's not being ignored, it's just that he's not really news right now.

anon 1:39 said...

but to be fair, regarding bsnyc handling lance with kid gloves: sure, take him to task all you want. that seems fair to me. i don't personally care (at all), but he's definitely not intellectually honest / open about that one, and it's pretty obvious.

but hell, if you were a cyclist/blogger/writer friendly with lance, why the hell *wouldnt* you treat him with kid gloves? again, he's a realizt/pragmatist. makes sense to me.

g said...

I'm not sure how Livingston and Lim testifying before a grand jury is indicative of "his boyfriend's demise", but I can only imagine that anon1:30 obviously has more insight into what they said than even the article states. I can see where we should ignore AC's positive, and LeMond's kinda endorsement of the situation in favor of nothing really publicly happening in the investigation into the US POSTAL team, of which Armstrong was a part.

Anonymous said...

Not quite sure that the NYT is implying.. " all-too-familiar forward-thrust posture that has ... 'alienated every pedestrian.'

Is he suggesting we cyclists are humping every pedestrian and/or their dog we meet?

not a lawyer said...

what happens to someone who has lied to a grand jury?

Anonymous said...

Since any grand tour is really just a Critical Mass ride gone terribly awry, I say the only viable doping solution is to require all riders use drugs. The new doping list would not include banned drugs, rather prescriptions for each day. Riders could win points based on how they "perform" on any given drug. This could be a great boon for drug companies as well, who would become to new sponsors of the "sport."

Bad Lawyer said...

Bunch of pals and I were at a dive saying goodbye to a friend (a former cyclist) who's moving south. The perennially-losing-Tribe was finishing out the typical season with a doubleheader home win over the Tigers on the teevees over the bar. We wistful old dudes were getting all nostalgic about baseball, and what it was like when we were kids. Remarkably baseball is a sport that has always been dirty (Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle--going so far that cheating is an enshrined tradition: "stealing" bases, stealing signs, juiced balls, and much much more. And as I said, bad ball players are as old as ball games.

I actually think that cheating or recognition of the inclination of athletes to engage in doping or other performance enhancements is just "a thing." What I mean is, cheating and doping has always happened, cheating and doping will always happen. Athletes are the least likely humans to be unselfish, ego-free, and uncompetitive.

From one perspective the parade of cheats and crybabies in sports is just one more spectacle for the fans to talk about in dives while they say good bye to old pals and youthful naivete.

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:30:

Welcome back Floyd! You're up late. How are things in Oz?

Anonymous said...

Why did we always get our erections in math class?

Anonymous said...

Make that Anon 1:39 - too much anonymity.

MTA Bus said...

Mmm fresh meat. So chic!

Paul Bowen said...

Blimey Bad Lawyer, that's proper elegiac.

Agree with ant1 - anon at 1:36 is CotD so far.

DICK ARMY said...

Could the NYT please write an article about cycling that doesn't make me want to punch their staff in its collective face. Thank god I live in Detroit: I'll be an old man by the time we have to worry about gentrified scum riding their dutch bikes on the sidewalk.

acquiesce808 said...

aw, no steve martin "let's get small" reference?
well, somebody's gotta break the seal on that one.

Anonymous said...

...they give you a balloon and if you can get inside it they know you're small...

Anonymous said...

Lemond, the great lip purser

acquiesce808 said...

thank you, anonymous2:33.

Anonymous said...

Meanwhile...Cancellara 'motors' under the radar to a fourth straight title. Coincidence?

hoot79er said...

I did not limit myself to erections in only math class. Being a free spirit I cultivated rock-like protuberance when any of the below listed conditions were present:
1. teacher was hott.
2. chick sitting in front of me was hott.
3. chick sitting beside me was hott.
4. chick sitting behind me was hott.
5. chick I was thinking about was hott.
6. it was right after breakfast.
7. it was right before lunch.
8. it was right after lunch.
9. it was right befor final bell.

Pete said...

TOP 3

mikeweb said...

Actually, Cancellara takes 4th straight TT title the same day that Tony "Spartacus" Curtis dies. Coincidence? I think not.

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob,
I imagine that you may already be aware of this company (Panda Bicycles), but just in case you aren't I thought that I would post the link:

http://www.pandabicycles.com/bikes/

grog said...

First warning: BSNYC tested positive for bad-pun.
Get off it, or be bamboozled.

anon 1:39 said...

suggesting bsnyc is a realist about doping, but its ok to call him out on being friends with lance (which i dont care about, and understand) makes me floyd?

that's is f*cking awesome!

i just won the tdf. yes!

oh no. i just lost the tdf!

oh no. i also just turned into a scumbag lying ungrateful disloyal opportunist who stole money from my fans! damn!

i need to choose my posts more carefully. too much of an emotional rollercoaster

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

OBA said...

GETS MALL

Anonymous said...

It's time to gat daardy, gat daardy

Anonymous said...

And Cancellara is rumored to be joining a new team led by the man most set to benefit from Contador's fall from grace. Hmm, I sense a big fat contract offer.

Bjarne! Please put an end to this madness!!!

JUST SAYN said...

"GETS MALL"

That would be Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, exactly one month from today in DC:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/local-breaking-news/stewart-colbert-to-host-rallie.html

It's gonna be dope.

Anonymous said...

panda-demic!!!!!!!

Fierce Panties said...

pandademic...
because pandas love bamboo!

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

That article in the print NYT is a veritable gold mine for BSNYC. The blond interior designer om page 11 -- I'd hit it with a fucking sledgehammer.

Fierce Panties said...

CLEN WHOR

Anonymous said...

my career is seriously at steak.

Stranded said...

Here's my one comment on doping: it doesn't matter how much (or little) was found in Contador's pee. What matters is WHAT was found. If he doped for a while before the Tour and then stopped in time to test clean on the first day and took no more banned substance during the race, the results might still be exactly as they are. The reason is that the body under stress uses energy stored as fat, which will also contain traces of whatever else has been in the body for the last few months. Thus, a doper who goes clean before a race may test clean and then test dirty after the body has dug deep for every ounce of contaminated fat--or, in Contador's case, every picogram of contaminated fat. So my question is still, how would the banned drug have gotten there--is he really so careless about what he eats?

ant1 said...

Stranded - supposedly, people treat cattle with it and you can get it from meat.

Pico commentor says- said...

.

Anonymous said...

CLEN SEA

CLEN PEE

Anonymous said...

Anybody who isn't aware that riding bikes without helmets & on the sidewalk isn't/shouldn't be acceptable has no business writing a story about cycling for the NYT.

It matters - how long until some high powered Fashonista "discovers" these behaviors are dangerous, and the fashion world adopts our sport as a "cause" to ruin in a PC fury of non-profit trust fund advocacy?

a said...

Ugh, I'm SO sick about hearing about f'ing "cycle chic" clothes, bikes, etc.

The people who sell this garbage to these folks are laughing all the way to the bank. A fool and his money are soon parted, as they say.

I live in the ever-smug city of Portland, and a local "chic" bike builder recently released a new bike that looks like it's 20 years old, but can be equipped with a Ultegra components for ONLY $3,800. Sorry, but no one who is riding that bike is going to need freakin' Ultegra components. Do you really need ultra-precise shifting to make it 2 miles to the farmers market?

I don't know why it bothers me, but the main thing is that cycling is such a "hot" trend right now, people who would normally not care about it just LOVE to be seen out and about on their hip bike. But throw a hill at them or a little rain and they can't hang.

Bah.

ringcycles said...

they may be beautiful, but they're still godzilla's. And I think that treating bicycles as fashion accessories is just as bad as treating them as disposable toys.

crosspalms said...

I'm glad the NYT ran the story -- not just because it's a perfect target for the Snob, but because if you or I saw the sidewalk-riding woman we'd think "what a knucklehead" (or worse). Now that she's told the NYT her name and admitted riding on the sidewalk, MILLIONS of people know she's a knucklehead, including friends or family who might talk some sense into her. Me waving my cane won't do it.

bikesgonewild said...

..."hey, amigo...chu wanna buy a trillionth of a gram ???...pure shit, mon...fuck you up, guarantee...i got da bes', no lie...you gonna ride like a fuckin' tornado, buddy"...

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 4:08pm...fucking cheers, mate...

...if 'berto ate tainted meat, where are the traces for anyone else on the team...

...also probable: blood doping & whenever his blood was originally drawn & stored, it wasn't fully clear of traces of the clenbuterol...double guilty...

...glad ol' floyd ain't the only one on that list of tdf winners/losers...

Lexus on my A$$ said...

I am glad that all these high priced girlfriends & second wives in New York City are riding bikes. The more of them on bikes, the less of them in Lexus/BMW SUVs running my a$$ over while they dig around the floorboards for their dropped water bottle/iPhone/Shitzuh dog/vibrator.

bikesgonewild said...

...methinks today's non-posting by poor frilly is indicative of sad tears being shed whilst her fav's past history is being besmirched on websites far & near...

...chin, young lady...he was, in the long run/ride, "just another cyclist gone bad"...

...please, no clen-ching...

the bike dork said...

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, orders dinner, and eats. When finished he pulls out his gun, fires it repeatedly and walks out. The barman chases after him and asks "Hey what was that all about?" The panda turns and hands him a dictionary opened to the entry for panda bear and points out "See, Panda... eats shoots and leaves.
panda-emic!

David Henderson said...

I agree with Bike Snob NYC analysis on this one and Greg Lemond. See: http://www.sportsscientists.com/2010/09/contador-tests-positive.html
for greater detail into the topic.

Before everyone get's their panties in a bunch about Contador consider this: it’s ABSOLUTELY possible that a 50 ppt (trillion!) blood level could be achieved by eating meat that had been treated with the compound. Some people have 20 times more bisphenol A in their blood as a background level due to environmental exposure than AC tested for in clenbuterol. I can’t imagine that the ridiculously minute amounts of drug in his blood would be pharmaceutically significant. So what's in your urine?

Anonymous said...

Chic is for faggots. God I hate NY and the NYT.

LK said...

You never seen Fantastic Voyage?

Hell, we watched it in math class!

Jefe said...

Andy Schleck has been very gracious about the accusations against Contador. Maybe he slipped a little Clen in Berto's paella.
We need more conspiracy theories. Lemond cannot do it all by himself. I choose Colonel Lance and Johan in the dining room with the candlestick.

streepo said...

How do you kill a TdF champion?
You drive a steak through his heart.

Anonymous said...

Mike Ball did it in the rubber room in an effort to secure talent for his new club team rock racing 2.0

Anonymous said...

can it still be a circle jerk if only two people show up to beat their meat?

Anonymous said...

Jeez, I wish I had the cajones to ride on the sidewalk. It would make life so much easier.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Snob, please don't panda to the sensibilities of those who don't appreciate your puns. ce

Anonymous said...

Anon 8:31, while I would suggest that it could still technically be categorised as a circle jerk, a more precise definition would be a "Flip Flop Hug". Now everyone settle down, it's a Pandamonium in here. ce

botch casually said...

Panda-demic.. more like punda-demic

Anonymous said...

Stranded may have a point regarding fat cells releasing their contaminants later when they are needed to burn fuel during periods of high demand. However, A.C. looks like a guy with very, very few fat cells. That said, I am cutting him slack- meat and other animal products are loaded with pharmaceutical crap and it is bound to show up if you test for it. I don't eat meat and I shudder to think what I would test positive for.

leroy said...

I think I just figured out why my dog scratched out the "a" on my Garmin "100% Clean" Camelback bottles.

Vino said...

All

Vino said...

Most

Vino said...

There...

Vino said...

Yippeeee!!!

frilly said...

Fuck yeah, I'm sad. This is a bad day for cycling period with the Vuelta positives and Ricco's house being searched.

*sigh*

Jefe, Johan has publicly come to AC's defense. Very kind of him.

Dave Henderson I've been meaning to tell you, "Nice ride @ the Edwardsville crits."

SmugSeattle said...

ClemFace made me laugh out loud (whilst in the bathroom stall at work no less). Good show, BikeSnob, good show.

Anonymous said...

bike dork: if you're going to tell a joke based on punctuation, get the freakin punctuation right!

James B. said...

BIKE SNOB! aka EW. Are you in Boston right now? Had no idea you were coming till 5 mins ago. Let's get a beer! gtwodt@gmail.com

How to seduce a woman said...

Well... round about every blog posts online don't have much originality as I found on yours.. Just keep updating much useful information so that reader like me would come back over and over again.

Anonymous said...

"Why did we always get our erections in math class?"

Please don't make such references. I teach algebra to 8th graders and I'd prefer not to think that boys are doing this in my class or anyone elses!

You've seriously messed with my mind this morning and I should consider skipping classes this morning and joining the 10:30 group ride for therapy.

David Henderson said...

Clenbuterol has been used for literally decades in the foreign veterinary world, for increasing the lean yield of livestock.
And the following link shows that eating meat containing small amounts of injected hormone may constitute a serious liability to an athlete.
http://www.clinchem.org/cgi/content/abstract/40/11/2084

Occam's Razor says that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. I'm going with contamination on this one for the following reasons: 1.far too low for any benefit, 2. daily testing before and after show evidence of contamination (sudden appearance and fade out) 3. transfusion is possible but using contaminated blood is non-sensible (defeats the purpose yes?). 4. The super low levels is consistent with contamination.5. scientific evidence shows that contamination does occur by ingestion of tainted meat.

Dave said...

I hate what pro cycling has become.I'm going out right now and drop my chain. This one's for Andy.

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Anonymous said...

http://loopframelove.blogspot.com/2010/09/they-missed-point-of-bicycle-chic.html

These ladies think NYT missed 'the point' of 'cycle chic' apparently.

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