Friday, August 20, 2010

BSNYC Friday Hoedown of Smugness!

Yesterday I mentioned the phenomenon of "shoaling," which has become an epidemic here in New York City due to the increasing numbers of bicycle commuters. But while some shoals are noteworthy due to their size, others are impressive due to their artfulness. Consider this shoal I witnessed recently at the corner of Vanderbilt Avenue and Fulton Street in Brooklyn (which is sort of the Galapagos Islands of bike shoals due to their abundance and diversity):

As you can see, one of the riders of which this modest two-man shoal is comprised is on the sidewalk. This in itself is unremarkable. However, what is remarkable is how he got there. Coming up the left side, he rode all the way into the intersection past all the other riders, circled right, hopped the curb, and 360 degrees later finally came to a stop on the corner:

This sweeping maneuver was positively balletic in its execution, and I could not help but marvel at its pointlessness. It somehow managed to evoke modern dance, sailing, and the way some dogs circle a spot on the floor before lying down on it, all at the same time. I'm not sure if he was insecure about clipping out of his pedals and was unsuccessfully searching for something to grab hold of, or if he simply likes to arrive at intersections with a flourish, like a debutante twirling upon entering the room. Either way, despite my distaste for shoals, I must admit it was fabulous.

Nevertheless, it's important to remember that you should behave at an intersection the same way you would in a public restroom, in that you should wait your turn and keep a polite distance. Shoaling is like sidling up to someone at a urinal, unzipping your fly, and "joining in," so unless you're trying to pull a Larry Craig you should do your best take your place at the back of the line.

Still, there's one thing worse than being inconsiderate when you ride, and that's being afraid. This is because decisions borne of fear tend to be bad ones. This is why I was dismayed to read the following in an interview on BikePortland with the rider who inspired the infamous "Kill this Bicyclist!" post:

Commuting by bicycle in Portland is like sloshing around in the kiddie pool while wearing water wings and a life preserver, so if riding a bicycle in Portland makes him that nervous and agitated then I'm not sure he should be on a bicycle at all. I especially like that he's "big, aggressive, and loud" and that he gets "quite an attitude much of the time"--so in addition to sloshing around in the kiddie pool, he also bullies the little children while he's in there (presumably by intimidating them with his "statuesque ass"). I would love to see him attempt to ride here in New York City, where you'd probably find him somewhere along the Great Hipster Silk Route, clinging to a lamppost and sobbing.

Speaking of sobbing, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it and may treat yourself to a pickle, sardine, or other delicious treat, and if you're wrong you will see someone ride his bicycle through his fears, ride his bicycle through his fears.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and refrain from shoaling--even if you have a "statuesque ass."


--BSNYC/RTMS




1) Bikepath is:

--"Oddly sensual"





2) Christian Vande Velde will ride the Vuelta a EspaƱa because:



6) "Snow bikes" are poised to replace "monstercross" bikes as the Gratuitous Addition to the Stable that Never Gets Ridden (or GASNGR) of choice for 2011.





7) Too much "epic" for one chest.



***Languid Mail Order Bicycle Commercial-Themed Bonus Question***

(Inverted image or just individualistically built?)

The "Mojo Bike Fixed Gear Fixie" is all about:



***Superfluous Minimalist Ultra-Bonus Bonus Question***


Is this a rectangle?

--Yes

80 comments:

Dr. Feel Good said...

Podium?

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

first?

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

first at being second, I guess...

Anonymous said...

Joy

Anonymous said...

top 10

Desert Rider said...

top ten

Mamil said...

STAT UESK

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten and I totally aced that last question.

Anonymous said...

Meandering across the line...
We've got plenty of the pirouetting
shoalers here in NV, too

ringcycles said...

11th!

Unknown said...

here first but shoaled by the ten in front of me

Anonymous said...

I SUCK at these quizes.

Dr. Feel Good said...

I meant, First! Don't want to comment like they are accused of cycling in Portland: Fearful.

Anonymous said...

I like to think of being a cyclist as like being an antelope in a herd of elephants. Much better animal analogy than a mouse

OBA said...

Whatever that girl in the Mojo cycles video is on, it's left her permanently nonplussed.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Muscle Shoals.

Jefe said...

How could you have failed to comment on today's NY Times article, "Turn On (MP3s), Tune In and Ride"? What a delicious blend of idiotic behavior - groups of up to 50 persons riding bikes in NYC while listening to synchronized music on headphones. It answers the question: "Could drivers and pedestrians hate cyclists more?"

ant1 said...

snobby - question 3 "An "Middle-Aged Man in Lycra""

Anonymous said...

BOBY DAZL

hillbilly said...

good weekend all

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Unknown said...

holy God is that pome awful.

Anonymous said...

yes! i rode my bicycle between her ears. i rode my bicycle between her ears.

Anonymous said...

pome is dum


rite on fourhed

streepo said...

I watched that video
with you, my peers
and it made me vomit
till it came out my ears.
made me vomit till it came out my ears.

Anonymous said...

the original hipster - 1913

http://www.shorpy.com/node/2838?size=_original

samh said...

I really wanted to get that last question wrong. Dang.

mikeweb said...

Perfect score. It feels shoal good.

gene99 said...

GMFB Snob. Pack boy looks like he's picking his nose. What's Lancelot supposed to do? Wait till he flicks it?

Anonymous said...

Would've been here sooner but I had to bully the bikepath.

Turd Ferguson said...

Gene99

Ten bucks says he eats it.

leroy said...

Dang, missed a perfect score by botching the bonus question. .

I asked my dog if he circled a spot before laying down. He just smiled smugly and said that's not the only thing he's preparing to do when he circles a spot.

I'm not sure if he meant track standing or something else equally annoying to encounter in a bike lane.

We live on a block along the Great Hipster Silk Route recently featured in a cycling celebrity blog and therefore I include with my weekend wish for a safe ride to all an observation that if you see a dog track standing in a bike lane, keep an eye out for anything else he might have done after circling. You never can tell when paying attention will pay off.

Ride safe all!

db said...

I've evolved into a Mamil? Not bad when you start out as a tadpole...

Whatever that girl in the Mojo cycles video is on, it's left her permanently nonplussed.

Botox.
.

leroy said...

My dog pointed out that I've missed the age cutoff for a MAMIL.

Hairy legged ingrate.

And now he's starting to circle.

Tex said...

The only thing that could redeem that Mojo outfit would be a Nixon model. And it had better be loud and uncouth.

g said...

I am glad to know that the pome is just a really shitty version of a poem that has crappy animation played at the same time, at the same time.
I just placed my order for the Mukluk, which I am having shipped to me home here in Florida where I will never ride it on the beach, in the sand. Glad I have filled that hole in my stable.

Anonymous said...

getting closer

Anonymous said...

Isn't that Thin Bike really just a "curation?"

Test Tickle said...

my bet is that McSquirt would definitely hit it.

balls.

shaun said...

I almost want a Mukluk.

If it had a single smallish ring up front, internal hub in the back, a bottom bracket closer to the ground, and hydraulic brakes, it'd fit the purpose it is designed for.

Rear derailleurs on a snow/ice bike are dum - the snow jams them up and the falls break them off (cold makes aluminum brittle). If you're on snow and ice, you're gonna fall, so you want to be as close to the ground as possible to start. And brake cables ice up and jam.

As it is, it'll get ridden in the snow once, suck, and be left in the garage - only to see the light of day when you feel like showing off how ridiculously huge the tires are.

Tex said...

Yeah, you gotta watch it leaving bike out in the sun too much, too, and not just bamboo ones. I once came out of the barber shop to find my rear derailer had become a gooey blob on the sidewalk.

mikeweb said...

Ya sure the rear derailleur didn't get stolen and the blog on the sidewalk was from leroy's dog?

Tex said...

Somebody better tell this guy about Shaun's metallurgical analysis.

http://vimeo.com/3522775

I can't believe he's using clipless pedals. Everybody knows they don't work in snow, just like everybody knows aluminum gets brittle in cold weather. That's why you never see aluminum used to make ski poles or snowmobiles or airplanes.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...prescient analyst or conspiracy theorist ???...

...you decide...this week on "tail's of leroy's dog"...

Kirk said...

If it's cold enough snow won't jam up a geared bike but what do I know, it's not like I've been riding bikes for about twenty winters in Anchorage, Alaska or something

vanessa said...

Mojo: Custom bikes made too small

hoot79er said...

Unlike the usual cavalcade of podium finishers here (the bathrobe clad, cellar dwellers that usually win), I actually work for a living as a productive member of society, therefor I'll happily ride up in the autobus secure in my smug self-importance. And so, all you haters suck my crotchal tumescence.

SmugSeattle said...

Gosh I want to be a minimalist.

I need to get in on this wave before my whole neighborhood starts wobbling around on bamboo bikes, muttering on iPhones, and trading down their housing choices. Oh wait... That's pretty much all of Ballard anyway.

unfixed fixie said...

that chick is pretty hot though

bikesgonewild said...

...bikesnoburitto...which "maya taqueria" delivery zone are you in, you know, just in case vito's not being reliable ???...

...$10, $15, $20, $25 or $30 ???...

...mmm, mmm...i'm gettin' hungry just thinkin' spicy prawn, hold the sour creme...

Michael said...

My girlfriend has that t-shirt. I thought it read, "I <3 my 29er wheelset" until now.

Huh.

murphstahoe said...

The cause of Lance Armstrong's cancer has been isolated.


"there's the health risk from spending too much time on your bike, which is probably why Lance Armstrong got testicular cancer."

Sigurd said...

At first look, that Mojo Hoe (bada-bum-pshh) appeared to be on some serious benzodiazepine. On second thoughts, I think it's just very low blood sugar. She's a model, dontcha know ... a "model's breakfast" is a coffee and two cigarettes. I've been thinking (oh noes) and decided I want to be a minimalist too. The MODERN minimalist, of course. This is where I get rid of all my "crap", i.e. the boring, uncool and common articles - which I actually use and enjoy having, but am just too embarrassed to have around. Then, I have the perfect excuse ... err, reason to buy lots of sexy new objects of desire and affection. All must be white, smooth, multifunctional and with Wifi. Soon I'll only own 57 things! But they will all be very expensive, beautiful and KICK ASS in every way. All you haters suck my iEverything. Hey, I want an iGun! Props to Apple if they can make a "collabo" with, say, Glock on this. White polymer grip etc., Ti slide. Fitted with multiple media jacks, a hi-res webcam under the muzzle, and the ability to play thematically correct (iTunes) music and film while I'm popping caps into the fashion-challenged maximalists. Footage can be instantly uploaded to Youtube, or streamed to select sites. Come on people, you can do this thing. If you build it, they will come.

shaun said...

I guess I was wrong, aluminum doesn't get brittle in the cold. Not at livable temperatures, anyway.

But my rear derailleur most definitely does slow down at about 20F for some reason and inevitable falls on ice obviously will screw up your hanger.

I assume that internal hub gears use a lighter oil that should be better in the cold.

Plus, you can convince the gullible that you're riding single speed on ice. How epic is that?

kfg said...

Sigurd: Throw in a Fred Perrin iSpyderco USB drive with integrated GPS and skid patch calculator and I'm so there.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
urchin said...

c'mon, snob. that last question could easily have been shortened to one word. why all that wasteful verbiage?

or

snob: shorter.


npj

bikesgonewild said...

...the "author" of that quote, rob anderson, is a moronic recalcitrant who sees himself as san franciso's do-good civil anti-cycling activist...

...he has other windmills to tilt his lance at but cycling seems a favorite...

...for years, he has been single handed in tying up monies & infrastructure changes that would benefit sf cycling...

...his ventures through the courts have been successful until recently when he was overruled by a judge but mr anderson, who seems to be more knowledgeable about the workings & machinations of both the political & court system than he does of anything actually cycling related, prob'ly has some other monkey wrench (sorry, vito) he'll throw into the works...

...nice to know that one so knowledgeable now has his finger on the pulse of lance armstrong's scrotum...

...perhaps mr anderson could take an 'on-line home proctology course' & figure out why he himself is such an asshole...

bikesgonewild said...

...murphystahoe...i see, sir that you're a local sf-er so my above response is for the edification of others...

...i also note that you're both a family man & an social activist yourself, so i hope you'll pardon my vitriolic slant...

...while i live in marin, i find rob anderson to be extremely negative towards any positive steps taken by sf bicycle coalition & any other group trying to affect worthwhile change that may encourage others to ride with the opportunity to do it safely...

...(& no mr anderson, i'm not a fan of 'critical mass' myself...that's a tired horse you ride)...

...my sense is that he enjoys his self appointed role because it makes him feel empowered with little true regard for those he affects...

...a champion of few, adversarial of many...

g said...

I, personally loved the way he attacks anyone that posts on his comments. If nothing else, he does seems passionate. A complete asshole, but a passionate, complete, asshole.

PawnShop said...

@shaun:
20°F is the magic temperature for making a derailleur suck - melt & refreeze, don'tcha know. 10° is much better. The beauty of internal gears in that kind of weather has less to do with the weight of the lubricant than it does to the absence of water in the mechanism's girly bits.

The Mukluk's tires might be wide enough to successfully float through winter ( 2.5s certainly aren't ), but I'm still partial to cyclocross tires ( the skinnier the better ) for that time of year.

@Kirk:
Ah, Anchorage. Mild, calm, dry Anchorage. The only winter riding advantage that Minneapolis offers is that when we reach our destination, we're not in Anchorage - which is rather enough. Well, that, and the sun coming out occasionally.

It's August. Why are we thinking about snow?

cyclotourist said...

BIKE FEAR

CM said...

What really annoys me is when people overtake on the right, go on to the pavement and then stop at the traffic lights in front of you. At most they have have got a 2 second head start when the light goes green.

Kirk said...

From Pawnshop "@Kirk:
Ah, Anchorage. Mild, calm, dry Anchorage. The only winter riding advantage that Minneapolis offers is that when we reach our destination, we're not in Anchorage - which is rather enough. Well, that, and the sun coming out occasionally."
@Pawnshop, At least they clear the ice or maybe the it's the sun that keeps your downtown so ice free, me what ever bike I ride has Nokian studded tires. BTW on the roughest days on the bike when there's snow on ice and it's 20-30 below I take comfort that I'm not in Minneapolis. The other nice thing about Anch. I don't need a permit to carry a concealed handgun

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob. I've been away from the site for a while... but where is the flaming llama (of the apocalypse)? Flaming llama save us!

David Henderson said...

One of my favorite red light intersection tricks is to press the cross walk button (when available). This is especially valuable if there are no cars to trigger the light change. As a bonus the green light is longer because it is calculated for walkers to cross safely.

Sometimes I have to pull a move similar to Bike Snob's diagram in order to access the cross walk button (or hop the curb earlier).

Morgan said...

Not a bamboo headset, but wooden eyelets are on the right track.

Monstercross recumbent

RTMSstencil said...

I rode my bicycle thru my fears once. I'm glad I had fenders.
Idiot car & truck/bus drivers 'thread the needle" all the time, but when a bike rider does it somehow this is irresponsible? Drivers are woosies.

MathDadd said...

Don't be afraid. If you get nailed, suck it up. Ride with an iPod, don't listen to cars and take the lane. You can't blow throw all red lights, but mostly you can. If you have to carry concealed and blow some windshields out, just do it. Or throw your body on the windshield hard enough to break it. Go to the sidewalk 360 or otherwise? What kind of weenie crap is that?

PCLA said...

The Mojo model is just bummed that this is the best/cheesiest modeling gig she could get ITTET.

shoaled said...

Fixie riders who ride in circles in the crosswalk at red lights are super annoying.

Anonymous said...

The whole ipod while riding thing I have a conundrum here.Someone commented about that. Ive done 99% or my riding without an ipod.Most of the time I want to hear the ride and not music.Ive come to the conclusion if someone comes up on you and hits you, thet're gonna hit you regardless of having earbuds on .Only if your wearing one of those little mirrors will you be able to see a car coming dangerously close to hitting you from behind.You should be looking around regardless of using an ipod.Oh yeah what so wrong about a hi vis jersey or jacket?.It seems there is a concensus that they're not cool.I think anything that makes you more visible or keep you from getting run over should be cool.The whole reason that fixie riders are douches is because they let coolness take precedent over funtion on every level.Real cyclists dont or shouldnt care if something is cool as long as you REALLY dont look like a dork.There is a fine line.Function should be the decider if something is cool.

Anonymous said...

I understand your hatred for shoaling. However, isn't it a way for bikers to get a jump on traffic and continue through a red light, as to avoid a drag race with cars when the light turns green?

Anonymous said...

Balletic shoaler (probably from out of town) perhaps wants to allow others to turn right.

a-to-the-ma-fa-k said...

riding in circles...

The next phase in the evolution of the "i no back-ie pedal" is going to be riding around, in circles, sniffing each others asses...

And left side drive, so so socialistic.

Fusion Taco Cabron said...

In L.A., even minimalists need their cars and iphones to follow, document, and tweet on the Trendy Gourmet Food Truck Experience.

anon 2:20 aka masshole said...

back from my own vaca and just scored my first ever 100% on a quiz and followed it up with another 100%.

sweet

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fixie bikes said...

wow that's a pretty douch-y haircut.