Friday, August 20, 2010

BSNYC Friday Hoedown of Smugness!

Yesterday I mentioned the phenomenon of "shoaling," which has become an epidemic here in New York City due to the increasing numbers of bicycle commuters. But while some shoals are noteworthy due to their size, others are impressive due to their artfulness. Consider this shoal I witnessed recently at the corner of Vanderbilt Avenue and Fulton Street in Brooklyn (which is sort of the Galapagos Islands of bike shoals due to their abundance and diversity):

As you can see, one of the riders of which this modest two-man shoal is comprised is on the sidewalk. This in itself is unremarkable. However, what is remarkable is how he got there. Coming up the left side, he rode all the way into the intersection past all the other riders, circled right, hopped the curb, and 360 degrees later finally came to a stop on the corner:

This sweeping maneuver was positively balletic in its execution, and I could not help but marvel at its pointlessness. It somehow managed to evoke modern dance, sailing, and the way some dogs circle a spot on the floor before lying down on it, all at the same time. I'm not sure if he was insecure about clipping out of his pedals and was unsuccessfully searching for something to grab hold of, or if he simply likes to arrive at intersections with a flourish, like a debutante twirling upon entering the room. Either way, despite my distaste for shoals, I must admit it was fabulous.

Nevertheless, it's important to remember that you should behave at an intersection the same way you would in a public restroom, in that you should wait your turn and keep a polite distance. Shoaling is like sidling up to someone at a urinal, unzipping your fly, and "joining in," so unless you're trying to pull a Larry Craig you should do your best take your place at the back of the line.

Still, there's one thing worse than being inconsiderate when you ride, and that's being afraid. This is because decisions borne of fear tend to be bad ones. This is why I was dismayed to read the following in an interview on BikePortland with the rider who inspired the infamous "Kill this Bicyclist!" post:

Commuting by bicycle in Portland is like sloshing around in the kiddie pool while wearing water wings and a life preserver, so if riding a bicycle in Portland makes him that nervous and agitated then I'm not sure he should be on a bicycle at all. I especially like that he's "big, aggressive, and loud" and that he gets "quite an attitude much of the time"--so in addition to sloshing around in the kiddie pool, he also bullies the little children while he's in there (presumably by intimidating them with his "statuesque ass"). I would love to see him attempt to ride here in New York City, where you'd probably find him somewhere along the Great Hipster Silk Route, clinging to a lamppost and sobbing.

Speaking of sobbing, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right you'll know it and may treat yourself to a pickle, sardine, or other delicious treat, and if you're wrong you will see someone ride his bicycle through his fears, ride his bicycle through his fears.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and refrain from shoaling--even if you have a "statuesque ass."


--BSNYC/RTMS




1) Bikepath is:

--"Oddly sensual"





2) Christian Vande Velde will ride the Vuelta a España because:



6) "Snow bikes" are poised to replace "monstercross" bikes as the Gratuitous Addition to the Stable that Never Gets Ridden (or GASNGR) of choice for 2011.





7) Too much "epic" for one chest.



***Languid Mail Order Bicycle Commercial-Themed Bonus Question***

(Inverted image or just individualistically built?)

The "Mojo Bike Fixed Gear Fixie" is all about:



***Superfluous Minimalist Ultra-Bonus Bonus Question***


Is this a rectangle?

--Yes

97 comments:

Dr. Feel Good said...

Podium?

Astroluc said...

first?

Astroluc said...

first at being second, I guess...

Anonymous said...

Joy

Anonymous said...

top 10

PawnShop said...

Meh.

Desert Rider said...

top ten

Mamil said...

STAT UESK

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten and I totally aced that last question.

Anonymous said...

Meandering across the line...
We've got plenty of the pirouetting
shoalers here in NV, too

ringcycles said...

11th!

xyxax said...

here first but shoaled by the ten in front of me

Anonymous said...

I SUCK at these quizes.

Dr. Feel Good said...

I meant, First! Don't want to comment like they are accused of cycling in Portland: Fearful.

Anonymous said...

I like to think of being a cyclist as like being an antelope in a herd of elephants. Much better animal analogy than a mouse

OBA said...

Whatever that girl in the Mojo cycles video is on, it's left her permanently nonplussed.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Muscle Shoals.

Jefe said...

How could you have failed to comment on today's NY Times article, "Turn On (MP3s), Tune In and Ride"? What a delicious blend of idiotic behavior - groups of up to 50 persons riding bikes in NYC while listening to synchronized music on headphones. It answers the question: "Could drivers and pedestrians hate cyclists more?"

ant1 said...

snobby - question 3 "An "Middle-Aged Man in Lycra""

Anonymous said...

BOBY DAZL

hillbilly said...

good weekend all

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Old said...

holy God is that pome awful.

Anonymous said...

yes! i rode my bicycle between her ears. i rode my bicycle between her ears.

Anonymous said...

pome is dum


rite on fourhed

streepo said...

I watched that video
with you, my peers
and it made me vomit
till it came out my ears.
made me vomit till it came out my ears.

Anonymous said...

the original hipster - 1913

http://www.shorpy.com/node/2838?size=_original

samh said...

I really wanted to get that last question wrong. Dang.

mikeweb said...

Perfect score. It feels shoal good.

gene99 said...

GMFB Snob. Pack boy looks like he's picking his nose. What's Lancelot supposed to do? Wait till he flicks it?

Anonymous said...

Would've been here sooner but I had to bully the bikepath.

Turd Ferguson said...

Gene99

Ten bucks says he eats it.

leroy said...

Dang, missed a perfect score by botching the bonus question. .

I asked my dog if he circled a spot before laying down. He just smiled smugly and said that's not the only thing he's preparing to do when he circles a spot.

I'm not sure if he meant track standing or something else equally annoying to encounter in a bike lane.

We live on a block along the Great Hipster Silk Route recently featured in a cycling celebrity blog and therefore I include with my weekend wish for a safe ride to all an observation that if you see a dog track standing in a bike lane, keep an eye out for anything else he might have done after circling. You never can tell when paying attention will pay off.

Ride safe all!

db said...

I've evolved into a Mamil? Not bad when you start out as a tadpole...

Whatever that girl in the Mojo cycles video is on, it's left her permanently nonplussed.

Botox.
.

leroy said...

My dog pointed out that I've missed the age cutoff for a MAMIL.

Hairy legged ingrate.

And now he's starting to circle.

Tex said...

The only thing that could redeem that Mojo outfit would be a Nixon model. And it had better be loud and uncouth.

g said...

I am glad to know that the pome is just a really shitty version of a poem that has crappy animation played at the same time, at the same time.
I just placed my order for the Mukluk, which I am having shipped to me home here in Florida where I will never ride it on the beach, in the sand. Glad I have filled that hole in my stable.

Anonymous said...

getting closer

Anonymous said...

Isn't that Thin Bike really just a "curation?"

Test Tickle said...

my bet is that McSquirt would definitely hit it.

balls.

shaun said...

I almost want a Mukluk.

If it had a single smallish ring up front, internal hub in the back, a bottom bracket closer to the ground, and hydraulic brakes, it'd fit the purpose it is designed for.

Rear derailleurs on a snow/ice bike are dum - the snow jams them up and the falls break them off (cold makes aluminum brittle). If you're on snow and ice, you're gonna fall, so you want to be as close to the ground as possible to start. And brake cables ice up and jam.

As it is, it'll get ridden in the snow once, suck, and be left in the garage - only to see the light of day when you feel like showing off how ridiculously huge the tires are.

Tex said...

Yeah, you gotta watch it leaving bike out in the sun too much, too, and not just bamboo ones. I once came out of the barber shop to find my rear derailer had become a gooey blob on the sidewalk.

mikeweb said...

Ya sure the rear derailleur didn't get stolen and the blog on the sidewalk was from leroy's dog?

Tex said...

Somebody better tell this guy about Shaun's metallurgical analysis.

http://vimeo.com/3522775

I can't believe he's using clipless pedals. Everybody knows they don't work in snow, just like everybody knows aluminum gets brittle in cold weather. That's why you never see aluminum used to make ski poles or snowmobiles or airplanes.

bikesgonewild said...

...mikeweb...prescient analyst or conspiracy theorist ???...

...you decide...this week on "tail's of leroy's dog"...

Kirk said...

If it's cold enough snow won't jam up a geared bike but what do I know, it's not like I've been riding bikes for about twenty winters in Anchorage, Alaska or something

vanessa said...

Mojo: Custom bikes made too small

hoot79er said...

Unlike the usual cavalcade of podium finishers here (the bathrobe clad, cellar dwellers that usually win), I actually work for a living as a productive member of society, therefor I'll happily ride up in the autobus secure in my smug self-importance. And so, all you haters suck my crotchal tumescence.

SmugSeattle said...

Gosh I want to be a minimalist.

I need to get in on this wave before my whole neighborhood starts wobbling around on bamboo bikes, muttering on iPhones, and trading down their housing choices. Oh wait... That's pretty much all of Ballard anyway.

unfixed fixie said...

that chick is pretty hot though

bikesgonewild said...

...bikesnoburitto...which "maya taqueria" delivery zone are you in, you know, just in case vito's not being reliable ???...

...$10, $15, $20, $25 or $30 ???...

...mmm, mmm...i'm gettin' hungry just thinkin' spicy prawn, hold the sour creme...

Michael said...

My girlfriend has that t-shirt. I thought it read, "I <3 my 29er wheelset" until now.

Huh.

murphstahoe said...

The cause of Lance Armstrong's cancer has been isolated.


"there's the health risk from spending too much time on your bike, which is probably why Lance Armstrong got testicular cancer."

Sigurd said...

At first look, that Mojo Hoe (bada-bum-pshh) appeared to be on some serious benzodiazepine. On second thoughts, I think it's just very low blood sugar. She's a model, dontcha know ... a "model's breakfast" is a coffee and two cigarettes. I've been thinking (oh noes) and decided I want to be a minimalist too. The MODERN minimalist, of course. This is where I get rid of all my "crap", i.e. the boring, uncool and common articles - which I actually use and enjoy having, but am just too embarrassed to have around. Then, I have the perfect excuse ... err, reason to buy lots of sexy new objects of desire and affection. All must be white, smooth, multifunctional and with Wifi. Soon I'll only own 57 things! But they will all be very expensive, beautiful and KICK ASS in every way. All you haters suck my iEverything. Hey, I want an iGun! Props to Apple if they can make a "collabo" with, say, Glock on this. White polymer grip etc., Ti slide. Fitted with multiple media jacks, a hi-res webcam under the muzzle, and the ability to play thematically correct (iTunes) music and film while I'm popping caps into the fashion-challenged maximalists. Footage can be instantly uploaded to Youtube, or streamed to select sites. Come on people, you can do this thing. If you build it, they will come.

shaun said...

I guess I was wrong, aluminum doesn't get brittle in the cold. Not at livable temperatures, anyway.

But my rear derailleur most definitely does slow down at about 20F for some reason and inevitable falls on ice obviously will screw up your hanger.

I assume that internal hub gears use a lighter oil that should be better in the cold.

Plus, you can convince the gullible that you're riding single speed on ice. How epic is that?

kfg said...

Sigurd: Throw in a Fred Perrin iSpyderco USB drive with integrated GPS and skid patch calculator and I'm so there.

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
urchin said...

c'mon, snob. that last question could easily have been shortened to one word. why all that wasteful verbiage?

or

snob: shorter.


npj

bikesgonewild said...

...the "author" of that quote, rob anderson, is a moronic recalcitrant who sees himself as san franciso's do-good civil anti-cycling activist...

...he has other windmills to tilt his lance at but cycling seems a favorite...

...for years, he has been single handed in tying up monies & infrastructure changes that would benefit sf cycling...

...his ventures through the courts have been successful until recently when he was overruled by a judge but mr anderson, who seems to be more knowledgeable about the workings & machinations of both the political & court system than he does of anything actually cycling related, prob'ly has some other monkey wrench (sorry, vito) he'll throw into the works...

...nice to know that one so knowledgeable now has his finger on the pulse of lance armstrong's scrotum...

...perhaps mr anderson could take an 'on-line home proctology course' & figure out why he himself is such an asshole...

bikesgonewild said...

...murphystahoe...i see, sir that you're a local sf-er so my above response is for the edification of others...

...i also note that you're both a family man & an social activist yourself, so i hope you'll pardon my vitriolic slant...

...while i live in marin, i find rob anderson to be extremely negative towards any positive steps taken by sf bicycle coalition & any other group trying to affect worthwhile change that may encourage others to ride with the opportunity to do it safely...

...(& no mr anderson, i'm not a fan of 'critical mass' myself...that's a tired horse you ride)...

...my sense is that he enjoys his self appointed role because it makes him feel empowered with little true regard for those he affects...

...a champion of few, adversarial of many...

g said...

I, personally loved the way he attacks anyone that posts on his comments. If nothing else, he does seems passionate. A complete asshole, but a passionate, complete, asshole.

PawnShop said...

@shaun:
20°F is the magic temperature for making a derailleur suck - melt & refreeze, don'tcha know. 10° is much better. The beauty of internal gears in that kind of weather has less to do with the weight of the lubricant than it does to the absence of water in the mechanism's girly bits.

The Mukluk's tires might be wide enough to successfully float through winter ( 2.5s certainly aren't ), but I'm still partial to cyclocross tires ( the skinnier the better ) for that time of year.

@Kirk:
Ah, Anchorage. Mild, calm, dry Anchorage. The only winter riding advantage that Minneapolis offers is that when we reach our destination, we're not in Anchorage - which is rather enough. Well, that, and the sun coming out occasionally.

It's August. Why are we thinking about snow?

cyclotourist said...

BIKE FEAR

Chris said...

What really annoys me is when people overtake on the right, go on to the pavement and then stop at the traffic lights in front of you. At most they have have got a 2 second head start when the light goes green.

Kirk said...

From Pawnshop "@Kirk:
Ah, Anchorage. Mild, calm, dry Anchorage. The only winter riding advantage that Minneapolis offers is that when we reach our destination, we're not in Anchorage - which is rather enough. Well, that, and the sun coming out occasionally."
@Pawnshop, At least they clear the ice or maybe the it's the sun that keeps your downtown so ice free, me what ever bike I ride has Nokian studded tires. BTW on the roughest days on the bike when there's snow on ice and it's 20-30 below I take comfort that I'm not in Minneapolis. The other nice thing about Anch. I don't need a permit to carry a concealed handgun

Anonymous said...

Hey Snob. I've been away from the site for a while... but where is the flaming llama (of the apocalypse)? Flaming llama save us!

David Henderson said...

One of my favorite red light intersection tricks is to press the cross walk button (when available). This is especially valuable if there are no cars to trigger the light change. As a bonus the green light is longer because it is calculated for walkers to cross safely.

Sometimes I have to pull a move similar to Bike Snob's diagram in order to access the cross walk button (or hop the curb earlier).

Morgan said...

Not a bamboo headset, but wooden eyelets are on the right track.

Monstercross recumbent

RTMSstencil said...

I rode my bicycle thru my fears once. I'm glad I had fenders.
Idiot car & truck/bus drivers 'thread the needle" all the time, but when a bike rider does it somehow this is irresponsible? Drivers are woosies.

MathDadd said...

Don't be afraid. If you get nailed, suck it up. Ride with an iPod, don't listen to cars and take the lane. You can't blow throw all red lights, but mostly you can. If you have to carry concealed and blow some windshields out, just do it. Or throw your body on the windshield hard enough to break it. Go to the sidewalk 360 or otherwise? What kind of weenie crap is that?

PCLA said...

The Mojo model is just bummed that this is the best/cheesiest modeling gig she could get ITTET.

shoaled said...

Fixie riders who ride in circles in the crosswalk at red lights are super annoying.

Anonymous said...

The whole ipod while riding thing I have a conundrum here.Someone commented about that. Ive done 99% or my riding without an ipod.Most of the time I want to hear the ride and not music.Ive come to the conclusion if someone comes up on you and hits you, thet're gonna hit you regardless of having earbuds on .Only if your wearing one of those little mirrors will you be able to see a car coming dangerously close to hitting you from behind.You should be looking around regardless of using an ipod.Oh yeah what so wrong about a hi vis jersey or jacket?.It seems there is a concensus that they're not cool.I think anything that makes you more visible or keep you from getting run over should be cool.The whole reason that fixie riders are douches is because they let coolness take precedent over funtion on every level.Real cyclists dont or shouldnt care if something is cool as long as you REALLY dont look like a dork.There is a fine line.Function should be the decider if something is cool.

Anonymous said...

I understand your hatred for shoaling. However, isn't it a way for bikers to get a jump on traffic and continue through a red light, as to avoid a drag race with cars when the light turns green?

Anonymous said...

Balletic shoaler (probably from out of town) perhaps wants to allow others to turn right.

a-to-the-ma-fa-k said...

riding in circles...

The next phase in the evolution of the "i no back-ie pedal" is going to be riding around, in circles, sniffing each others asses...

And left side drive, so so socialistic.

Anonymous said...

姊夫在內地包二奶,我們建議大姊趕緊大陸抓姦
但是大姊一直顧慮而遲遲不願意大陸抓姦...
原本姊夫一個月都會回台灣一次,現在卻已經好幾個月沒有回家了;
面對這情形,大姊終於下定決心委託徵信社大陸抓姦
半個月後徵信社成功的大陸抓姦,姊夫也因為心虛理虧而與二奶分手了;
經過大陸抓姦的事件之後,大姊夫妻的關係總算是穩定下來了!

Anonymous said...

現在很多徵信公司標榜女子偵探女子偵探真的有比較好嗎?
其實女性本身具有體貼、細心的特質,
能夠觀察得更細微,女子偵探不僅能夠讓委託人更加信賴,
經過專業訓練的女子偵探破案能力更是一流!
也難怪,現在許多委託人都指定想要女子偵探服務!

Anonymous said...

外遇---偷來的時間、偷來的伴侶、偷來的愛情
或許新鮮刺激,或許瘋狂美好,但這一切,終究是偷來的…
外遇傷害了一個幸福的家庭
或許你會說:問題其實早已存在,外遇並不是傷害的唯一因素
但是內心深處其實你知道,這只是外遇的藉口!
建築在傷害別人之下所得到的愛情,終究難以幸福…

Anonymous said...

外遇蒐證需要技巧,錯誤的外遇蒐證可能會打草驚蛇,
不合法的外遇蒐證行為更可能讓您吃上官司!
外遇蒐證問題您需要專家的協助,
專家為您合法又確實外遇蒐證

Anonymous said...

老公總是說他在加班,但是薪水卻沒有相對的增加,反而支出變得更多,
於是我開始展開外遇調查行動;
我趁著老公睡覺的時候,先對手機進行外遇調查看是否有不尋常的通話,
沒想到手機竟然設定密碼!
於是我外遇調查的行動只好轉向發票明細,
果真,飲料與食物常常都是買兩人份的,我還看到了溫泉旅店的發票!
種種外遇調查的結果,讓我知道老公果然偷吃;
雖然外遇調查讓我知道老公外遇,但是我明白如果戳破反而可能弄巧成拙,
於是我請好友夫妻製造在旅店巧遇的假象,讓老公心虛的自己結束外遇!

Anonymous said...

許多人的婚姻因為伴侶的外遇而殘缺不全,
於是許多人只能夠藉由抓姦來保障自己,
專業徵信人員針對不忠伴侶進行外遇蒐證,
並依照您的需求進行抓姦行動;
確定適當時機時,會與您一同報案,
尋求警方共同抓姦,我們合法對外遇對象進行抓姦
外遇抓姦問題,讓我們給您最專業服務!

Anonymous said...

婚外情究竟是一時的慾望,或婚外情者是一種相見恨晚的愛情?
許多有婚外情的人總是為自己的錯誤的行為尋找合理藉口,
然而真正負責的愛情是不應該建築在別人的痛苦之上!
不能否認的是,許多有婚外情的人總是認為因為自己的婚姻原本就已經存在問題,
然而不可否認的是,大部分的人提出離婚,都是在有了婚外情之後...!

Anonymous said...

婚前徵信是降低離婚率的最好方法!
人難免都想要在情人面前表現出最好的一面,
因此許多婚前以為是天造地設的一對,
婚後才發現對方的真面目而離婚;
這就是因為沒有做婚前徵信的緣故!
婚前徵信可以幫助您更了解對方,
婚前徵信可以告訴您對方隱藏的缺點,
婚前徵信更可以讓您知道所有您想知道的事情;
想要結婚嗎?讓婚前徵信為您的婚姻做把關!

Anonymous said...

面對伴侶通姦,能維護權益的只有您自己!
您可以選擇對通姦伴侶與第三者一起提告,
或者選擇只告通姦其中一人,
然而如果你什麼都不做,
那麼您的權益只會被漠視!
面對伴侶通姦,您不該姑息,
勇敢站出來,給通姦的人應得懲罰!

Anonymous said...

感情挽回需要技巧,大吵大鬧只會把他往第三者推去!
感情挽回需要針對伴侶個性、夫妻問題解決、擊退第三者等方向一一解決,
感情挽回的問題讓專家提供專業協助;
豐富感情挽回經驗、體貼細心諮詢服務,
為您找到正確方法、成功感情挽回

Anonymous said...

徵信的專業責任是協助委託人解決困難,社會上很多不平之事,
例如丈夫外遇甚至逼迫太太離婚,此時就可以尋求徵信的協助;
徵信不僅能夠協助您抓姦蒐證外遇證據,
徵信更可以協助您解決後續談判或者是訴訟的問題。
當您面臨各種問題時,歡迎您與我們徵信公司聯絡!

Anonymous said...

優質徵信協會為您介紹合法徵信社!
徵信協會不僅可以提供委託前的各種諮詢服務、介紹優質業者,
徵信協會更可以在您面臨糾紛時協助您調解!
想要找徵信社卻擔心被當肥羊坑嗎?
徵信協會為您介紹誠信業者!
當您面臨各種委託、糾紛等徵信問題時,
徵信協會給您最公正的協助!

Anonymous said...

網路上徵信社如此之多,又該怎樣知道是否合法?
網頁作的美觀的徵信社並不代表實際規模,
為有實際走一遭,親眼所見才是最真實的!
不要單憑網頁上的資料就輕易委託徵信社
那麼您極有可能落入不肖徵信社的陷阱!
想要選擇徵信社,還是選擇老字號徵信社,最有保障!

Anonymous said...

顫抖著手,我拿不穩那份薄薄的離婚協議書
早知道他的出軌,癡心的守候最後他終究還是想要離婚
朋友勸我抓姦,但是我擔心他一氣之下會決裂的提出離婚要求
我愛他,願意作出一切只為挽回
所以我等、我默不吭聲、我在他面前強顏歡笑
多少夜裡,他用敷衍的藉口不歸
而我假裝相信,卻淚濕了枕頭...
顫抖著手,我拿不穩那份薄薄的離婚協議書
啞著聲音,我告訴他我絕對不會離婚去成全他們
只是,我不知道不離婚,懲罰的是他們,還是我自己...

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In L.A., even minimalists need their cars and iphones to follow, document, and tweet on the Trendy Gourmet Food Truck Experience.

anon 2:20 aka masshole said...

back from my own vaca and just scored my first ever 100% on a quiz and followed it up with another 100%.

sweet

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fixie bikes said...

wow that's a pretty douch-y haircut.