Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Bike Path of Righteousness: Signs from Above

(What's with minimalists and long lists?)

Having gorged myself on minimalism to the point of nausea, I have sought to settle my stomach by consuming some professional cycling (which is also the subject of my Wednesday Bonus Blog). Outsized claims, big corporate logos, extravagant bicycles--it's like dining on "comfort food" after days of queasiness-inducing "fusion" cuisine. However, all is not well in the world of colorful lycra, and I was dismayed to learn that Oscar Pereiro will probably miss the Vuelta a España (which is like the Tour de France, only with more vowels) due to a persistent hand injury:

Pereiro, of course, became the winner of the 2006 Tour de France after Floyd Landis was stripped of his title for allegedly placing a testosterone patch in the vicinity of his genitals. Landis subsequently wrote a book entitled "Taint Got Nothing To Hide," in which he proclaimed his innocence, and he also mounted a compelling legal defense in which he claimed that the testosterone spike in his blood sample was the result of his inadvertently brushing up against a shirtless Mario Cipollini at an evening soirée. (Cipollini's natural oils are rich in both hormones and gametes, and the great sprinter has accidentally sired numerous offspring in a similar fashion.) Unfortunately, the defense failed, and thus the record books will forever show Pereiro as the winner. As for Landis, he gave birth to a son in the spring of 2007, and while the paternity tests were inconclusive the child was born fully pubescent with blond highlights and a suntan.

I was genuinely saddened to learn that Pereiro's injury places not only his Vuelta but also his entire career in jeopardy, for the truth is that too many riders take their manual dexterity for granted. Meanwhile, Pereiro's situation is so dire he's running out of medical options and is turning to prayer:

“The Vuelta is pretty much out of the question,” Pereiro told El Faro de Vigo. As a last hope, Pereiro is set to visit the holy shrine at Fátima after conventional treatment failed to resolve the problem.

In this, I have two pieces of advice for Periero. Firstly, it's important to remember that God is a minimalist. Not only did He come up with the original list of 10 things, but He also made that list on a tablet, which is of course the minimalist's medium of choice. So be sure to drop an iPhone or similar offering in the collection plate. Secondly, should Pereiro opt to drive to the holy shrine, he should be sure not to park his car in the bike lane, because checking in with the Lord is no longer a valid excuse:

Not only were parishioners parking in the bike lane, but they were also parking on the sidewalk, as you can see in this video made by blogging crusader Peter Kaufman. I've also been inconvenienced by and taken photographs of these scofflaws, but after a cursory search I was unable to find the pictures in my archives (I suspect the Angry Minimalist in the Sky smote them from my computer), so instead I give you this photograph of Mario Cipollini subcutaneously impregnating three women at a time:

(The immaculate and unctuous conception)

Of course, it's somewhat ironic that a bike lane in Brooklyn Heights was liberated from so-called "God" while just a few miles away in Williamsburg another was sacrificed in "His" name, but the common denominator in both cases is the awesome power of incessant complaining to move mountains, and it's a decidedly worldly lesson that the "kvetch" is truly mightier than the sword . Had Peter Kaufman attempted to rally a bunch of his friends for a naked protest ride like the "hipsters" did, the outcome probably would have been much different. Indeed, by keeping his "sword" in his pants where it belongs, Kaufman managed to emerge triumphant.

Meanwhile, the pen can also be mightier than the sword, but only if you know how to spell:

I encountered this perplexing message on the new Prospect Park West bike lane in Brooklyn recently, and I'm not sure if it's the sincere protest of a moron, the ironic protest of a person who wants to make anti-bike lane people seem like morons, or just a simple case of somebody being frightened off by an approaching cargo bike before they could finish scrawling that final "B."

One wonders if similar messages appear in "Portlandia," the "first loser" of American bike cities according to "Bicycling" magazine, and now (as a reader informs me) the inspiration for an original comedy series:

Rest assured, "Portlandia" will feature the requisite cyclist stereotype character in the form of a "militant bike messenger," though it would be both funnier and more accurate if the character were an aspiring frame builder, since artisanal hand-crafters of bicycles and the people who want to be them outnumber messengers in Portland by something like 450-1. Plus, everybody knows that in Portland soup delivery people are the new bike messengers. According to a recent study, there are now exactly three classes of people in Portland: the people who work at Wieden+Kennedy; the people who deliver soup and coffee to them by bicycle; and the people who build expensive bicycles for all of them. In any case, I fully expect "Portlandia" to be off the air before Sacha White even moves on to the next person on his wait list.

Meanwhile, here in Brooklyn we have the Boneshakers bicycle-themed vegetarian café, where people sit around in silence hoping the objects of their affections will give them cryptic signs involving utensils:

boneshakers brunch girl - m4w
Date: 2010-08-18, 2:09AM EDT

I am too shy to ask you out, and even if you see this and reply, I'll be too shy (probably) to let you know who I am. But watching you elegantly stride around the restaurant wearing high heels and an apron makes my heart jump out of my chest. I know its corny to say, but your smile brightens up the whole day. When I saw you leave one day on the beautiful cinelli track bike that I drool over anyways, I think I fell dumbstruck in love. Someday I hope I get the you-know-whats to ask you out, but until then, I'll just keep watching your smiling face!
(If, by some luck you have an idea who this is and want to go riding or something, let me know by giving me a spoon instead of a fork?)


I very much hope she sees this, if only so that she will decide to confuse him by presenting him with a spork:
It's the most ambiguous of all utensils.

93 comments:

samh said...

I've got a bike
You can ride it if you like
It's got a basket
A bell that rings
And things to make it look good
I'd give it to you if I could
But I borrowed it

Ed said...

first?

A. Contador said...

NOOO

Desert Rider said...

MNML

Ed said...

Some day...

samh said...

What happened, Contador? Was it your turn to drop a chain this time?

PawnShop said...

Meh. Back to 'polishing my rear derailleur'.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Ed said...

QUE ROLLLLLLLLLLLO CON EL POLLLLLLLO ESNOB?

g said...

Top 10. Gotta get me a Mac...

Astroluc said...

eLeven

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

streepo said...

a

Anonymous said...

EPIC VDEO

Bad Lawyer said...

I love Cipo, I remember when he graced the covers and ads of the European bike mags. The mag distributors had to sticker over the nipples of the models posing in the advertising with Cipo in order to obtain shelf space in and around Cleveland magazine stands, yes we had magazine stands "back in the day." I could never go minimalist, I have too many stacks of old magazines.

Anonymous said...

SPOR KLUV

Anonymous said...

Wow! I just finished eating my soup with the same spork - made of titanium no less. It drives like a dream, laterally stiff, vertically compliant.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Ambiguous? The spork is the hermaphrodite of the kitchen utensil universe.

Been there, done that said...

Ah, yet another heart about to be broken by yet another winsome serving lass.

Sigh.

xyxax said...

so shy-boy wants to be spooned rather than forked?

Buffalo Bill said...

I expect that Portlandia show will have to feature the latest crazy Oregonian affectation: beer snobs. Seriously, American beer snobs!

BeerSnobPDX said...

Buffalo Bill
Well, we may be snobs, but it really is good beer.
http://oregonbeer.org/snob/

Anonymous said...

SPOR K-ME

Sigurd said...

Top 30! I did my first Champagne Bike Ride yesterday. Two Magnum bottles in each saddlebag made for an interesting ride. Recumbent, I could chug with one hand, and steer comfortably with the other. Before passing out in a ditch out in the sticks, I recall doing at least fifty revolutions in a roundabout, eventually leaving a cirular trail of vomit. I was alone - but being a recumbent triker, solitude kinda comes with the territory. And so it shall remain, until the Last Day - when I shall be reunited with the other three Recumbent Riders of the Apocalypse. All those of you who own more than 57 things, will be SO screwed then.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

tail said...

bike path ='s DUNG

mikeweb said...

Spork this.

LK said...

Who doesn't like a sexy waitress?

Anonymous said...

from 8/17 Anonymous 2:34..

Thank you!

Esteemed Commenter DaddoOne said...

the minimal chick has lots of shoes I bet

Nogocyclist said...

Seems to me if you had hand/arm problems when racing a bike, they could come up with some sort of adaptation. Surely there is some way not to have to end a career?

mikeweb said...

The Minimal Student states:

Cycling feeds my minimalist fetish.

I'm afraid to ask what minimalist fetishism involves.

Anonymous said...

Shouldn't a minimalist just walk for all the same 10 reasons?

Anonymous said...

put a spork in me, I'm dum.

hillbilly said...

Gold, Jerry, gold!

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it so hard doggie-style that she'd be chasing motorcycles by the time I was finished with her.

ervgopwr said...

So this is a bike blog, right?

What's with all the talk about untensils?

Huh?

Talk about bikes!

J/K

Portlandia vs Mini Apple Sauce
Bike City War/Show Throw down.

Thanks Stevil.

Anonymous said...

full of hope at the start ala obama-stuck the landing dramatically with one foot ala kerri strug 96'.

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

"Circlular trail of Vomit" -hehehe.

ant1 said...

TiSP ORK!

my favorite utensil.

Anonymous said...

Snowpeak sporks are badass. They are made of freakin' Ti.

Anonymous said...

This week of posts have been great.

I think minimalism has breathed some new, needed inspiration into BSNYS.

Anonymous said...

It's actually spelled Wieden+Kennedy. Ironic that you called out someone else's spelling error in the same post ...

Anonymous said...

A spork made of titanium? Probably the last spork you'll ever need.

PawnShop said...

'Dum' is just mnmlst for 'dumb'.

I own three eating utensils engine. said...

Titanium sporks don't do anything very well, the fork blades are to small to eat anything other than ramen noodles. The spoon part is to small to remove liquid from a cup or bowl. Sporks are a lot like the hand-built bikes of portland, expensive, and inconsequential.

I guess, Cipollini is also expensive and inconsequential, just like a spork.

Buy a spoon, fork, and knife, and you still can have 54 other things.
Meh.

Shaun said...

Perhaps minimalism is the new fixed gear? "Meh-nimalism".

red neckerson said...

eat with yer fucking hands you pussies

CommieCanuck said...

Titanium spork? way to whippy, expensive and likely made by some hillbilly in Tennessee.

This is 2010, the crabon fiber spoon is upon us. note the final line,
"Maybe I'll do one more layer of carbon fiber on the back side and apply a thicker coat of epoxy. I may also cut it into a spork."

That's right, a crabon spork, what exciting times we live in.

D. Hawerchuk said...

50 in chinese: 五十

grog said...

51st!
dum dum = sucker

Anonymous said...

portland is the least sexy, PC town i have ever been in. definitely select the meth...

Anonymous said...

pffft. Minimalism. Like I'd ever get rid of all my Maximals.
B

bikesgonewild said...

...re: - the crabon spoon...

...unlike titanium, when it fails crabon fibre fails catastrophically...

...not to be an alarmist but i'm predicting a major soup incident or a morning yogurt mishap somewhere down the line...

...to the minimalist w/ one 'nice' pair o' pants, well, need i say more...

Blaiser said...

Top 55.... Spork it over, dudes.

CommieCanuck said...

...unlike titanium, when it fails crabon fibre fails catastrophically...

That's CATASTROPHICALLY, crabon failure emits a specific electrical frequency that jams keyboards on caps lock. You need to consult the experts at bike ferums. But that spoon is made in America, thus cannot break like cheapass Chinese crabon sporks.

...not to be an alarmist but i'm predicting a major soup incident or a morning yogurt mishap somewhere down the line...

"Crabon spoon failure?, or just glad to see me?"

Anonymous said...

57th and last minimalist placing!

bikesgonewild said...

..."...that spoon is made in America, thus cannot break like cheapass Chinese crabon sporks."...

...you gotta point there...

...'member a number of years ago when the kiwi's decided to stop using american made crabon fibre masts & booms on their 'america's cup' boat ???...

...'member how they had failures of both a mast & a boom & sunk their own efforts w/ 'made in new zealand' equipment ???...

...well...what's not talked about is what went on below deck in the galley...

..."cuppa hot soup, mate...ward off that cold chill ???"...
..."ya, that'd be great...ARGHHH !!!...fuck me, mate...my fuckin' spoon just failed CATASTROPHICALLY...i got soup burns on my wanker !!!"
...

...it's an ugly truth that can't be left unsaid...

...so...i'm just sayin'...

Anonymous said...

2nd non-mimimalist

Anonymous said...

What's with all the useless crap on this podium?

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild wrote "...i got soup burns on my wanker !!!"

Wank is a verb. A wanker is the person who performs the verb. A Kiwi would more likely spill soup on his deck.

Fred said...

I run a crabon spork in the summer, but my rain spork is Ti.

I used to have a fixed spork, but I got tired of always finishing last at Soup Club.

Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure the "woman"under Cipo's left arm is a guy in drag.

theshepherdsdog said...

super lame.. if that person is so enamored by the track bike/brunch girl he (or she) should simply ask them on a date.

I am the titanium engine said...

That titanium spork is made in Japan, from russian Titanium.

It is expensive, and only owned by douchebags.

http://www.rei.com/product/660002

I need a folding one, so it takes less space.

http://www.rei.com/product/751779

I am hoping for the recumbent version shortly.

Anonymous said...

Here's what I don't understand: who are the "you know whats" and why does he want THEM to ask her out?

Oh...wait...he wants his PANTS YABBIES to ask her out. Dude. Never let them talk to a chick before you do...

I have way to much time on my hands at the end of the day engine said...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/tools/bced/

Now we are talking, I want one with bert and ernie, or a little tricycle engraved on it.

Anonymous said...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/tools/dcc6/

even better.

Anonymous said...

http://www.thinkgeek.com/geek-kids/newborn-infant/b534/

What the fuck, kill all designers.

Thomas said...

:Goin up to the Minimalist in the Sky
Chorus: Minimalist in the SKYYYY!!
:'s where I'm gona go when I die
Chorus: When I DIIIIE!!
:When I die and they lay me to rest, I'll have the Minimal-list that's the beeessst.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x10g77_spirit-in-the-skynorman-greenbaum_music

I am the shallow engine said...

http://www.spork.org/

Patent Information:
1970 Official Gaz. (U.S. Patent Office) 11 Aug. tm 65 Van Brode Milling Co., Inc., Clinton, Mass... Spork for Combination Plastic Spoon, Fork and Knife.

Yet a spork is so much more than just a poor excuse for an eating utensil.

A spork is a perfect metaphor for human existance. It tries to function as both spoon and fork, and because of this dual nature,

it fails miserably at both. You cannot have soup with a spork, it is far too shallow; you cannot eat meat with a spork, the prongs are too small.

Anonymous said...

"Minimalism" + "Design" yields yet another non-functional bicycle:
http://www.fastcodesign.com/1662142/can-a-mere-product-design-win-a-250000-art-prize

Survey said...

It's like Name That Tune.

"I can live my life with 57 items."

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thomas, I have never understood how the song lyric "I have a friend in Jesus" could be penned by someone named "Norman Greenbaum."

Anonymous said...

I am the shallow engine, please enlighten us more abouy human existance.

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 4:59pm...thanks, you fucking wanker but you spelled "dick" wrong...

...anon 5:19pm...you think cipo really cares when the lights go down ???...you've seen the guy, right ???...i mean, c'mon...

...@ i am the titanium engine..."I am hoping for the recumbent version shortly."...
...there are two versions for recumbents...they're called straws...thin diameter for consumme' & miso & fat version for 'cambell's chunky'...
...anything chunkier ???...refer to: red neckerson...

...wishiwasmerckx...look beyond the dichotomy...he's made a lotta money over the years with that song written back in '69...
...yes, norman is jewish...yes he sang about jesus...yes, he wrote the lyrics in 15 minutes...yes, he was "inspired" after listening to dolly parton & porter wagoner sing a gospel song...
...no dummy, he, norman lives comfortably on his royalties, a half hour over the back roads from here...
...he's still a 'practicing jew' but you'd think after all that practice, he'd have it down by now...

Anonymous said...

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 4:59pm...thanks, you fucking wanker but you spelled "dick" wrong...

No, it was deliberate. That's how they pronounce the word "dick".

bikesgonewild said...

...anon 9:32pm...chuckle...

...as the aussies say...'no worries mate'...i wasn't rippin' ya for real...

...& if i wasn't happy living here in nor-cal, new zealand is prob'ly where i'd look to settle in...if you guys would have me...

...think it was joe breeze who mentioned that at no point can you be further away than 70mi / 113k from the ocean...with the awesome topography down there, THAT sounds pretty fucking cool...

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW, i "lol'ed at the thought that you actually know Norman Greenbaum (who, paradoxically, shares a last name with my civil proceedure professor in law school).

Next time you run into him, if you could administer a stout "tittie twister" on my behalf, I would be very much in your debt, and the great cosmic balance would be that much closer to being restored.

bikesgonewild said...

...wishiwasmerckx...

...i can't claim to actually know norman but he's just another ol' rock n' roller (now a promoter) in an area full of ol' rock n' rollers...i have seen him around though, up in petaluma...

...i forget what it was used in/for but there was a resurgence of popularity for "spirit in the sky" a few years back & it seems to have withstood the proverbial 'test of time'...

...anyway, i don't see why i couldn't just sneak up on the man & apply a quick little "tittie twister" anyway...

..."hey, hey, norman...chill, dude...that was 'by proxy' from a fan of yours but i've been assured that 'the great cosmic balance' is now 'that much closer to being restored'...you gonna argue with that just 'cuz you've got a purple nipple ???"...

Lanterne Rouge said...

I am missing 1 titanium spork which I see BS has acquired.

Anonymous said...

I have a hard time believing Perero or however you spell it is missing the Vuelta because of a hand injury.As with all strange questionable situations in pro cycling it has to do with doping.Im sure itll come out later that it is the case.

Anonymous said...

http://web.media.mit.edu/~jkestner/spoon/

Anonymous said...

3rd shift podium. Yeah.

CommieCanuck said...

anon 4:26 am (WTF?)

You should cathc up on your sleep and read the comments.

cwg said...

Speaking of minimalist, look at this wonderful fixie. http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2010/08/wallpaper-magazine-hawks-gorgeous-fixed-gear-for-4700/

Too bad when you're fixated on that, you're missing out on the real pleasures of cycling:
http://www.thesartorialist.com/photos/72810bikelegs_8843Web.jpg

Jim said...

Stone Tablets: The Minimalist Moleskine.

Anonymous said...

I think the most important thing I learned from this is the Sleater-Kinney is a Portland band, not an Olympia band.

Anonymous said...

I work for Wieden + Kennedy, but in London not Portland.

Our reception looks like a bike shop, with 50% of them being fixies/singlespeeds. East london is the land of the Aerospoke.

Just Do It.

Sandra said...

Babies are minimalists. They own nothing. If you borrow a bottle/ diaper/car/bedtime story from your mom it apparently doesn't count.

Anonymous said...

Why do minimalists love lists?

After spending a few days doing careful research, I've decided that minimalists love links because... it's minimal. I mean, why actually clog your white (minimal, get it?) blog with content?

No, stick with links, constantly refer your readers to your blogroll, monetize your lists, and call it a blog. The most important rule of thumb is: the links must contain banal, immediately obvious solutions to your idea of someone else's problem.

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fixie bikes said...

minimalist is the word of the week right?