Thursday, July 8, 2010

Heat-Addled: Cooler Heads Will Prevail

Obviously an essential part of life in New York City is incessant complaining, and while we may seem unhappy the truth is we find this mode of discourse comforting. Really, it's less a way of expressing displeasure and more a form of familiar address. A Texan might greet a neighbor with a friendly "Howdy!" or a Hawaiian might offer a heartfelt "Aloha!" (at least according to what I've seen on TV, which is the extent of most of my cultural knowledge), but here in New York we simply exchange pained expressions and announce, "It's hot as balls out there!" And it is hot as balls, too--so hot that pedestrians are wearing minimal clothing:

(If she had "balls," you'd see them.)

Also, the saxophonists have been forced to practice outside under the shade of the Brooklyn-Queens Expressway:

So evocative of summer was the sound that I was moved to capture it briefly on video:



Yes, summer in New York City consists almost entirely of women in revealing clothing walking lazily about to the sultry accompaniment of incidental saxophone music. In fact, it's exactly like the video for Glenn Frey's "You Belong to the City:"



As trendy a place as New York City can be, on a certain level it is eternally 1985 here.

But New Yorkers aren't the only people who like to complain; so too do Tour de France riders. Indeed, hot (as balls) on the wheel of the controversial Jens Voigt cobble-kvetch comes this bike-dropping, helmet-throwing freakout from Mark Cavendish, which was forwarded to me by a reader:

I am not conversant in the language of the headline, nor could I be bothered to translate it with the aid of a popular search engine, but I choose to interpret it as "Wild Cavendish goes with bike and helm." While I can certainly understand his frustration after having missed out on victory in Stage 4, he should also keep in mind that throwing a helmet around is not a good way to deal with anger. Not only is it unsportsmanlike, but he's also liable to hit somebody in the "kunstbox."

Speaking of sportsmen, you may recall that I expressed a cynical opinion about a designer ax (or "axe," if you're an excess vowel enthusiast) marketed by the "Best Made Company." Inasmuch as it is a symbol of outsized, Bunyanesque pretension, I admit I have become fascinated with it in the same way I can't seem to stop watching that Glenn Frey video. However, I now realize I may have been a bit harsh on this product, for while "Best Made Company" might obtain the ax(e) from a "secret source in Maine," they take great pains to carefully place it in a box all by themselves:

PACKING TIME from Peter Buchanan-Smith on Vimeo.

Ordinarily one would have to purchase a cured meat gift box to experience packaging this lavish, so when you factor in the high cost of artisanal salami this alone makes it worth the price. In today's world, it's important to remember that p
ackaging is important--sometimes even more important than what's inside the packaging. If you've ever given your dog a toy only to watch him totally disregard it and start humping the box, then you have just some idea of the power a well-designed package can have on humans as well. Also, red twine is involved, and you even get a certificate of authenticity that confirms it's "genuine," (which should come as a relief if you've ever opened a box containing a make-believe ax(e)):

I was particularly intrigued by the use of the word "issued," and the Best Made Company's certificate of (in)authenticity may indeed be a Rosetta Stone for my finally completely understanding the language of design. So far, I already knew that "colorway" means "color," and that "curate" means "to assemble, source, or slap together." Now, I also know that "issue" means "repackage or rebrand." Armed with this knowledge like a woodsman with a brand-new ax(e), I am pleased to report I have finally "curated" the Pretentious Order of Operations, which is as follows: first, you establish the "Colorway;" then, you "Curate" the product; and finally, you "Issue" it. The acronym for the Pretentious Order of Operations is of course "CCI," which is much easier to remember than PEMDAS.

Of course, I'm not a woodsman, nor do I have any meaningful wood-chopping experience, so it may be unfair for me to be critical of this product (even if it is just this ax with a colorful handle, a salami box, and an ersatz pedigree, as one reader suggests). Furthermore, if there really is a demand for pretty axes out there then I certainly can't indict this person for filling it, as much as the idea that such a demand exists may sicken me. Really for all I know, it is the greatest designer ax(e) ever CCId, and regardless of price I would wager that it at least does what it is supposed to do in the unlikely event that it is actually pressed into service (which is to chop wood). Unfortunately, not all designer bicycles do what they're supposed to do (which is convey a rider), and another reader has forwarded me these bicycle "sculptures" made of "DuPont™ Corian®," which I guess is the carbon fribĂ© of unrideable bikes:

Indeed, by "deconstructing the conventional elements of this traditional, environmentally-friendly vehicle," (or at least producing a computer rendering, since apparently designers don't even have to make anything anymore) he's done something the "fixerati" have been trying to do for years, which is render the bicycle completely useless:

It seems to me that if you like the way bicycles look and you admire their "environmental friendliness," then you might as well skip the sculpture and just keep an actual, rideable bicycle in the house. That way, you could look at it and ride it. Otherwise, it's sort of like having a decorative blender in your kitchen, or an unflushable toilet in your bathroom. Then again, I'm also one of those wrongheaded people who think you don't need a box and a certificate of authenticity for your ax(e), and that if you're cold you should throw on a shirt. However, the designer of the bicycle sculpture, Karim Rashid, feels differently.

Incidentally, the reader who forwarded me this also pointed out that Karim Rashid has "not bought a book, magazine, or paper in 5 years." This would explain why he's a bit out of the loop, and I feel it incumbent upon myself to tell him that we're all wearing shirts again, and that gratuitous tattoo displays went out of style when "Frasier" was still on the air.

In an age of pedigree axes and unrideable bikes, the absurd ingenuity you'll find on Craigslist seems quaint and charming in comparison. Consider this bicycle featuring a zip-tied chainring, which was forwarded to me by yet another reader:


Fixed Gear/ Fixie - $350 (downtown / civic / van ness)
Date: 2010-07-07, 10:38PM PDT
Reply to: [Deleted]

$350 OBO! TALK TO ME ABOUT TRADES!

Hi, im selling a pretty new Windsor: The Hour bike. Only have had it for a month. There are a couple of scratches on the top tube, but it is purely COSMETIC, will not affect riding whatsoever.

ONE PROBLEM
As you can see in the picture, i have lost 3 chainring bolts because they fell out due to lack of tightness. I have used zip-ties as a replacement, (even two on one hole) and to be honest, it REALLY works. I am not just saying that to sell my bike, the zip-ties are VERY strong, and the chainring will not come off. (I have mashed down hills with it, and have felt no type of difficulty/problem.) You can pull all you want on the chainring, it will not fall off.

Please contact 415-573-[deleted] for quick replies. Text/call it. $350 obo. Talk to me about trades. Will be able to pick up and ride away.

Frame: Windsor The Hour; 49CM
Fork: 1 1/8
Crankset: Anodized 48t
BottomBracket: Sealed Cartridge 103mm
Pedals: Wellgo; Will include stock pedals. (Toe Clip/ Strap included on stock pedals, not on the Wellgo pedals which are installed on the bike)
Chain: KMC Z410 1/2 x 1/8
Hubs: Formula
Wheels: 32H Aero Track Double Wall (Stable wheels, true, run smooth,)
Tires: Front; Kenda 700x23c Back; Vittoria Marathon 700x28c (VEEEERY VEEERY Thick Tire! Will last a long time)
Stem: Dimension; Will include stock stem.
Saddle: SL Turbo Style Racing
Gear Ratio: 48/16

Tags: leader, iro, fuji, volume cutter, deep velocity, b43, deep v, h+ son, chukker, nitto, sugino, pake, fixie, fixed gear, track frame, aerospoke, hed 3, thrasher,



I'm intrigued, and I'm glad he's open to trades. In fact, I've got a spraypainted ax(e) I'd like to offer him. Sure, the head is duct-taped to the handle, but it also comes with a certificate of authenticity. You can chop all the wood you want--I guarantee the head won't come off.

100 comments:

Marc said...

bah!

Anonymous said...

without even trying ... on autopilot suckers...

Anonymous said...

podium?

P & S said...

pave!!!

Anonymous said...

damn! what the hell ... i had first ... it was up there as #1! howd i get relegated to 2nd? was it my autoiplot comment? did i just zabel myself?

Anonymous said...

And my leadout train was going so well!

Anonymous said...

Armstrong!

Anonymous said...

this serves as my official protest during the 15 min period after race results are posted.

i accuse marc of trickery with the internets.

KovasP said...

So POO = CCI? And CCI is Center for Cultural Interchange?

Anonymous said...

HoooDeeeHoooo!!!!

CommieCanuck said...

Ahhhh..I really wanted this win.
I blame the assassin organizers.

samh said...

All You Shirtless Art Curators Suck My Hot Issued Balls

Anonymous said...

Congrats Marc, too bad the podium babes here aren't all that...

Anonymous said...

top twenty or so..

CommieCanuck said...

Karim Rashid is yet another famous Canadian, but I thought we exported this twat to New York years ago.

This log is suspiciously focusing on Canadians lately-I'm tellin' Cosy Beehive about this blatant socialist brainwashing.

CommieCanuck said...

blog, log is the shortform of blog.k?

Buffalo Bill said...

A toilet that doesn't flush? The hostess informs me that is something called a bee-day. Whatever, I cleaned up the mess so what's the problem?

And if you are going to sell ax(e)s, at least get the best - ox-head has no equal.

pAUL bOWEN said...

Top Twennee!?

MANX MISL

Paul Bowen said...

Gah!

Shu-Sin said...

not even close... pavé!

Anonymous Coward said...

I am ashamed to say that I watched "Packing time - The Movie". Was intrigued to see that they used a nail gun to fasten the lid to the salami box. Was sure their pretension would call for using a bedazzled hammer made by a secret company in Maine.

NAILD BOX

Marc said...

Anon,

Thanks. Speaking of podium babes, what the hell is up at the TdF this year? Yellow jersey girls look like the are wearing oversized wet suits. And those umbrellas that the mountain points girls have to wear... yikes. The tour needs a little Gila action!

wishiwasfrilly said...

I have a spraypainted dildo I,d like to offer to trade. Sure, the head is duct-taped to the shaft, but you can "chop all the wood" you want -- I guarantee the head won,t come off.

theshepherdsdog said...

i'm actually pleasantly surprised cavendish didn't do any stupid salute today

Stiveaux said...

Dude you are on fire, not only as bike snob but as cultural ass kicker. This bullshit must be revealed! Bikes you can't ride are like ... well, you said it! I'm all for art for art's sake, but the mere fact that something is utterly pointless doesn't make it art!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I'm no marketing expert, but does Mightybite fishing lures really expect to generate a return on its advertising dollars on Versus during the TdF?

Who, exactly, is their target market? I know dozens and dozens of cycling enthusiasts, and I cannot think of a single one who also professes to be a fishing enthusiast as well.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

Hotter than the Forge of Vulcan out there, tell you what.

-P.P.

ant1 said...

wiwm, i know one. 99 thousand more and they have themselves a market!

Anonymous said...

EF'N BIKE

Environmentally Friendly Non-Bike made with usual toxic potion from DuPont®

Anonymous said...

I miss a couple of weeks and now I'm completely out of the loop. What's with the axe and "fakerjack" stuff?Are there guys walking around NYC wearing wool plaid shirts this summer?

Anonymous said...

If you have to explain your tatoos then obviously your ad campaign is not working.

hillbilly said...

hi there

Hey Baby Throw My Bike! said...

Somehow that axe guy and that jerkoff on the cover of Poets & Writers (who should be drugged and given to Mark Cavendish next time he wants to throw something) and Karim Rasheed (whose real name I'm guessing is probably something like Rupert Whitehead III) all seem like people who keep a very detailed journals about their excretory processes for careful study later. You are right to be horrified and fascinated simultaneously.

But women walking around the city wearing revealing clothing? By their own choice? That can't be a complaint, can it? It might make staying focused while doing laps around Central Park a bit more challenging, but I for one accept that challenge wholeheartedly.

anonymous 2:20 aka masshole OG said...

wishiwasmerckx, you sonofabitch, you do now. i will drop large-mouthed fools on the weekly am ride and then drop lures to snag some large-mouthed hogs that pm with my son.

marc, i really dig those umbrellas the polka dot girls wear. they give me the warm and fuzzy 50s housewife feeling and seem like they provide some pretty easy access. me likey. the black slacks on the stage winner girls, though, are hideous.

mikeweb said...

Snob, who was your videographer for the 'Saxy Time' "edit"?

And why no forlorn soundtrack of gentle piano music? Oh, right...

Todd said...

What credibility the best axe in the world had was lost when the video jumped into fast forward mode. What a lack of respect to the process. If it can't be shot as fetishistic as Kenneth Anger's Scorpio Rising then what's the point?

g said...

I am withholding judgment on the umbrella skirts until we get some windy days. I hope ASO didn't learn anything from the upskirt shot on last year's Giro and made panties mandatory. I do agree that the high-waisted slacks are not doing anyone any favors. Especially the more hippy girl on the left.

PawnShop said...

Numerous dental treatment materials will degloss, etch, or slightly stain Corian Surfaces. So I guess Serotta won't be offering a bike made out of it.

What material will become the 'crabon fribé of unrideable bikes' for dentists?

Anonymous said...

Fucking god-damned fucking art fucks!

JTK said...

I found it for $56.25
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000LG4DRO/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=486539851&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=B000LG85E6&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=0C5CPW0JY31SF4D3T83S

Jefe said...

My Dutch isn't much better than yours, but if the article meant to imply Cavendish threw his helmet, the evidence is unclear. He goes in the bus and a helmet rolls out a couple of seconds later. Although he didn't treat his bike very well, it carried him to a stage win today.

Anonymous said...

Who else thinks that a 36-year old rider not in the Tour since 2004 and that wins 2 out of 4 stages might be doping?

Tushar Mangl said...

How true....

H said...

The fake ax(e) would be great for slicing cured meats. But, you would need an ax(e) just to open the box it came in, which is kind of ironic.

Anonymous said...

POO!

Anonymous said...

Couldn't keep up with the large-mouthed fools today. (still laughing at that comment). I guess I fell out due to lack of tightness.

JTK said...

prolly wanna order this to open the ax(e) box

Anonymous said...

again, what do futuristic virtual bike designers have against hubs, spokes, gears and chains? are these items so archiac and repugnant that these guys want to completely rid the future world of them. again, why spend a lot of time and effort redesigning something that is completely adquate and great (recognizing that I'm glad we are still not riding PFs and that improvement is always good). I would recommend designers focus on something that needs improvement. for example, design me a beer that I can drink 12 of and not loose all sense of good judgement. CCI me that, please.

grog said...

love the cavewoman
chopping wood now

Anonymous said...

I like turtles.

streepo said...

Thanks for the duct tape, snob.I hate it when I lose head.

Anonymous said...

We need an oracle octupus for the TdF ASAP, before the high mountain stages come. Sea World, can you deliver?

Anonymous said...

g said...

I do agree that the high-waisted slacks are not doing anyone any favors.

Well said g.

Oldentard said...

When did they take Frazier off the air?

JACK AXES

bikesgonewild said...

...& chainring bolts are practically impossible to find...

...well, unless you go to a bike shop...

CommieCanuck said...

Guys who remember 1985 are hot. Especially, if they forgot 1986.

"6."Rock Me Amadeus" ... Flaco "

Flaco? Sadly, I still remember it was Falco.

1. The Cosby Show (NBC)

My retinas still have images of Bill Cosby's sweaters burned into them.

1. "Fatherhood" by Bill Cosby

What the hell went wrong in 1986?

CommieCanuck said...

I do agree that the high-waisted slacks are not doing anyone any favors.

Gimme a break!

yogisurf said...

Wow...That fixie looks like a great deal. I'd consider it, but only if loses the stem nut and bolt and uses a large carpenter's 'C' clamp to hold the bars in place.

Anonymous said...

I'm surprised there isn't a "Best Made Hammer" to open the box for the ax.

Billy Reid said...

This combination of these cranks, this frame, these zip ties, and my sneakers is absolute the stiffest thing I have ever felt, which is really important because i commute to work at least 3 times per week on this machine and even go across some bridges. I've never felt anything so responsive

ant1 said...

rock me amadeus was pure genius. still is. i was listening to that vinyl just a couple months ago.

Video here

LeeVing said...

When I think of the 80s, New York & Saxophones, I think of this-

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Q_odSgDQeE&feature=related

ant1 said...

let's not forget the kommissar either

Shaun said...

Has the "Man Missile" always been such a douche-bag? Or has he decided to curate a new personaway?

Test Tickle said...

LeeVing - nice! Such a great tribute to NYC and Kenny G's instrument.

Lee Ving also had a great cameo in the college movie with Sean Penn's brother.

abooga, abooga, abooga matches!

balls.

erik k said...

after watching the tour for the last few days, sometimes in the morning and sometimes in the afternoon I've come to the conclusion that this is the only type of enhanced coverage that I support.

bikesgonewild said...

...nice, erik k !!!...

...but who are the two guys on the right ???...

Michael said...

This may sound like a dumb thing to ask, but how does one mash going down a hill?

Marc said...

Shaun,

Cavendish has always been a blowhard.

1985 - I think that's the year I got my first "real" road bike, a Fuji Sagres.

1986 - quite possible I was singing this song...

Riding on the range,
I've got my hat - on,
I've got my boots - dusty.

I've got my saddle
On my horse.
He's called....T-t-t-t-t-trigger
Of course.


Or not.

bikesgonewild said...

...i gotta axe why the 'best made company' don't just say "screw it" ???...

...the box top. i mean...if they screwed the top on, the box then becomes reusable...as is, stapled, it's nothing but more material that will prob'ly be thrown out & not even recycled...

...i say screw it, 'best made company', screw it !!!...

CommieCanuck said...

This may sound like a dumb thing to ask, but how does one mash going down a hill?

Sigh, It's sad until they get their first derailleur and an 11-tooth cassette.

bikesgonewild said...

...speaking of tools, ahhh, that is axes & hammers, thor 'hammer smash' hushovd must be singing that ol' norwegian favorite, "the lutefisk lament"...

...straight up, one on one (+ a few interested others) ol' thor was not in the same class as the young cavendish...not by a lutefisk...sorry, i meant 'not by a long shot'...

LK said...

I ride to eat

Wild_Boar_Salami_in_Gift_Box_

I don't ride to axe. Axes aren't doing too well lately:

http://bit.ly/bT8pBC

Dweeb said...

It's not sporting to taunt compulsive spellchecking dweebs, BSNYC.

Not only do you repeat "carbon fribé" instead of the time-tested "crabon fribé" but you put it in italics to make it easier to spot!

Odd. I just considered a carbon frappe. Yuck.

Lie-Nielsen said...

Rivendell should have painted the axes (useful extra vowel) they (used to) sell, or hand-rubbed the head with Lano-Lube and twined-and-shellacked the handles.

Joachim said...

if i were the "secret source in Maine" i'd stop selling axes to this jerk-off after realizing that all he does is paint them and mark it up.

Best Made Company = Best "Made Up" Company.

Unknown said...

that Windsor is a bikesdirect bike.. and bikesdirect sells it for $279... wonder if some dumb ass actually bought that with a freakin' zip tied crank. yeah you might be able to mash downhill on it, but i'd like to see someone try to mash uphill on zip ties

Unknown said...

schwing!

Sigurd said...

I'm Norwegian, but in keeping with my Zwn (that's similar to "Zen", but Norwegian and thus superior) attitude I won't rise to the Hushovd-themed jibes. However, I do have "an axe to grind" regarding the indispensable fakerjack accessory, the uh ... axe. WTF is up with strapping a pimped-out axe to your back, and wearing it in public? Is that okay in Brooklyn? I don't know the Big City (more people work at the Rockefeller Centre than there are people in my town), but even in my Arctic urban environment, that is officially known as "carrying a concealed weapon". If accosted by the PO-LICE, how does a hipster explain away the colourful yet lethal fashion statement hidden under his checkered shirt? What's next - Urban Samurai Hipsters, with metre-long artfully spraypainted katanas jammed in their eco-silk sashes? Billyburg Templars with lama-wool "chainmail" and decorative greatswords in engraved scabbards? There's no lack of manly identities ,readily purchased and donned, complete with the tool-cum-melee-weapon of your choice. Fuck this pretentious, lame-ass era of real-life "Ken" dolls. Just be guys and do guy stuff, that WILL make you men. Buying a pre-packaged masculine identity with overpriced clothes and accessories is nauseatingly effeminate. Dammit, most gay dudes are way more manly than that.

Chr1s said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Isolation Helmet said...

I have a set of wheels I just built that I am looking to sell. Only I did not have the proper wrenches to install the spokes properly so I just crazy glued them in place. When I hold the wheels up they look okay.

I am an x-rayed engine said...

Bad TATs are the true sign of the douche. The poet and Writers cover show a whole lot of money went to the tat "artist" the karim "artist" spent alot of money on some fake "maori" or real fake "jailhouse" tats. The ax men must have some kick as scrotum tats.

g-roc said...

Best Made Everywhere? At first I though he meant Anywhere , but then I noticed someone in my closet making an axe, also, in the bathroom, living room, kitchen, hall ... they're EVERYWHERE! Lob help us all!

savvy shopper said...

Or you could just get a brand new one and keep the other 70 dollars for when you lose the bolts out of the chain ring:

http://www.bikesdirect.com/products/windsor/thehour.htm

Anonymous said...

As New York in the 1980's has been mentioned and as I am Australian, it is now incumbent upon me to say the following:

"That's not an axe... that's an axe"

We actually write it as axee, but I've dropped one of the e's as a diplomatic concession to meet in the middle ground.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=01NHcTM5IA4&feature=related

ce

Anonymous said...

the heat wave in berkeley got all the way to 64
degrees today. We use chainsaws....
wild still needs an e

Fabian said...

New York - Homogenized for your convenience!

leroy said...

Overheard coming from HTC Columbia team bus this afternoon:

Well I'm hot blooded, check it and see.
The UCI wants to test my chamois.
Come on 'berto, can you race more than Lance?
I'm hot blooded, I'm hot blooded.

Honestly, I just don't see how some folks can say the Manx Missle ain't no choir boy.

Anonymous said...

Summer is but a long gone memory here, and with it goes playing what Americans call "hotshot" (I prefer dumb smoke sucking dirt scraper) with the tools of trade: chainsaw, axe and rakehoe. You can become quite fond of things you are using all the time and I must admit that I have prettied up my rakehoe a little - I do love pimping my hoe.

American hotshots seem to prefer Pulaski tools to rakehoes for constructing fire¬line. Both tools are also great for general trail building. So who knows, if the hipsters in the new world order do take up cyclocross, you may well soon find hipster crews chipping singletrack out of New Yorks paved streets with artisan crafted Pulaski's (only after noon) and maybe even occasionally going hard at it with a bedazzling hoe.

ce

Chuuk said...

All this talk about the pretentious idiot with the axes this week but really how different is it in our own little world? Pinarello, Colnago, Cervelo, etc., etc., etc. all buy their crabon bikes from the same 2 or 3 contract sweatshops in Taiwan. Sure they may play around with geometries, 'engineer' different diameters/cross sections or even add visual trademarks like bendy fork blades, but really how different are these frames? They use the same materials, are built using the same techniques, by the same people. All the bike companies do is add their paint, decals and badges. The rest is all marketing bullshit (is that an oxymoron?), just like Mr. Ax Hole.

Bike Trainer - Rich said...

Looks wonderful. Great reading your post as well. thanks

I am the very light engine said...

Chuuk,

The main thing is that they all break differently.
Crabon is king.

Anonymous said...

i GOTTA have that ax(e)...as long as it's TSA friendly, of course.

Gargenville said...

Man it took me like 15 minutes to even figure out what a chainring would bolt onto on a bike with only one chainring. Actual crank spiders on single-ring drivetrains are a rarity out here in my largely hipster-free hood.

Trikes said...

Love that "balls" picture near the top of the post!! :)

Anonymous said...

I would like to exchange links with your site www.blogger.com
Is this possible?

Unknown said...

I think I had a mild panic attack while watching the ax packaging video. It's hard to tell what it really was...negative emotions were washing over me like I was stuck in a urine and diaper filled water park wave pool.

Unknown said...

I think I had a mild panic attack while watching the ax packaging video. It's hard to tell what it really was...negative emotions were washing over me like I was stuck in a urine and diaper filled water park wave pool.

fixie bikes said...

that girl looks like a street walker.

Twob Rake said...

test match balls