Friday, July 9, 2010

BSNYC Friday Lumberjack Competition!

As you're no doubt tired of hearing by now, a few weeks back I embarked upon a series of BRAs (or "Book-Related Appearances") in order to flog my book, the lazily-titled "Bike Snob," like it was a recalcitrant mule and I was an ornery prospector. In addition to these regularly-scheduled BRAs, I was also invited to appear at the Mountain View, CA campus of a popular search engine company, and the video of this appearance has now been uploaded to a popular video-sharing site owned by this company. If you'd like to watch this very special BRA-slash-airing-of-grievances you may do so by clicking here, though I will stop short of actually embedding the video since that would compromise my carefully-guarded anonymity. Instead, here is a doctored screenshot of the title card:

Please note that the popular search engine company opted not to include certain slides from my presentation--in particular this one, which was integral to the slideshow's "plot:"
They did, however, opt to leave my underarm sweat stains visible, despite the fact that they almost certainly possess the technology to eradicate them with a single keystroke. Nevertheless, I enjoyed the visit and presentation, and I even obtained some satisfaction with regard to my grievances thanks to a very helpful audience member. (It turns out it had nothing to do with the woman urinating on the turtle.)

In any case, as sort of a palate-cleanser after my own poor performance, here is "Morissey 2.0" with a ukulele singing about his stolen bicycle:



I may engage him as sort of an "opening act" for any future BRAs, if only to discourage excess attendance.

Meawhile, in the land where summer is winter, toilets flush backwards, deer are called "kangaroos," and Tour contenders are called "Cadel," "fixed-gear culture" is now exhibiting itself at shopping malls:


Unsurprisingly, it turns out that it slots in rather easily:



I guess "fixed-gear culture" is to "mall culture" as Ultegra cassettes are to Shimano-splined freehub bodies. (Without the multiple gear ratios, of course.)

So with that, I'm pleased to present you with a quiz. As always, study the item, think, and click on your answer. If you're right your head will explode with joy, and if you're wrong not only will "God" kill an Australian kitten, but you'll also see another stolen bike lament, forwarded by a reader.

Thanks very much for reading, ride safe, and may your lamentations be quickly assuaged by the dulcet tones of the ukulele.


--BSNYC/RTMS




(How much wood would a fakerjack chop if a fakerjack were strong enough to swing an axe?)

1) The Best Made Company's "bedazzled axe" ($180-$220) is in fact a Snow & Nealley Hudson Bay Camping Axe ($55-$75, head forged in China) with a painted handle.

--False





2) Prior to Stage 5 of this year's Tour de France, Alberto Contador gave former teammate Lance Armstrong:

--A watch
--An ultimatum





(Whimsical illustration or "racist" caricature?)

3) Which American cyclist unwittingly uttered an "ethnic slur" against the French?







4) "Cinch up those skates 'cause there's ice now in Hell." Team Katusha rider Vladimir Karpets has finally cut off his trademark:







5) "Move over, mountain bikes!" The latest department store offering is the:






6) The latest in crabon fribé technology is the:

--Crabon 11-speed chain





7) Fixed-gear crowd surfing is the next big thing.

--True
--False





***Special Craigslist Missed-Connection-With-The-Messiah-Themed Bonus Question***


(Fingerbang Christ)

Which evidence in a recent Craigslist post indicates that the poster is actually Jesus Christ?


81 comments:

Anonymous said...

he sprints

Anonymous said...

he scores!- Nevada

Marc said...

top 3

Anonymous said...

bnag

Daddo said...

macadam!

samh said...

Lorem Ipsum and all that...

Daddo said...

Macadam!

Daddo said...

Macadam!

Three Toed Sloth said...

GUD JOB

shoegazer said...

It's too damn hot for this shit, you can all go fuck yourselves.

Astroluc said...

CHOP WOOD

hobohipster said...

I have a lovely ax that I would be happy to "curate" and deliver (issue) to the highest bidder.

Test Tickle said...

endless blockades for the pussy footer!

balls.

Shu-Sin said...

ax(e)d

ringcycles said...

Hushovd!

Marc said...

My turn to be relegated today. How does that happen? Photo finish analysis I guess.

I couldn't make it past grandpa crowd surfing in his recliner.

As much as I hate the vuvuzela during the WC matches, it provides endless entertainment during boring YouTube videos like the Ballad of a Stolen Bicycle.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

g said...

I hope the fisticuffs at the end of the VS tour coverage gets some more press. It was actually slightly impressive for a cyclist fight.

Saw that LeMond is writing a tour blog for cycling news. Of the 10000 or so words that made up the post, 9750 are about how he had already done everything that the current racers are doing (only FIRST and better) and the other 250 were about what was actually going on in the current tour. Fairly predictable for Greggy with the notable exception of no doping talk. He even mentions Armstrong and doesn't accuse him of anything.
Breath of fresh air, really.

PawnShop said...

The "guy with the beard who rides a bike with orange bullhorn handlebars on the East River" could prove he's the Messiah by mounting SPD cleats without the benefit of shoes. 'Cuz if he is, his feet are pre-drilled for 'em.

TOOS OON?

Anonymous said...

G:
Where is the Greg Lemond Blog?

Tee S. Ay said...

I want to wear an axe like that for my next international flight. You know, just for chuckles.

mikeweb said...

Today happens to be payday for me. But after viewing the Google video I'm going to start calling payday 'Monetizemas'.

Daddo said...

Funny how I knew the photo in question even this morning when I watched the video. I knew becuase Snobby said "turtle", not "girl", not "peeing", not "on", just "the photo with the turtle.

I also knew that couldn't be the reason he got expunged - Snob - what WAS the reason?

Jefe said...

g, 1:12, I think you missed it. Lemond predicted Lance would drop out of the Tour before it started, or at least before it entered France. So far, he's 0 for 2 on predictions, but he is 100% on his complete hatred for Lance.

g said...

LeMond writes HERE.

g said...

Jefe,
Sorry, I had only seem the post from today and, as I don't really care for him, I didn't look any further to see if there were any others.

H said...

I listened to a song about a stolen bicycle, and "heaven knows I am miserable now."

Morrissey 1.0

Jefe said...

Today, LeMond trashed Lance by implication, if not by name: "I'm certain a few riders [insert 'Lance' here] thought that day [Stage 3] was a great opportunity to take time out of a guy like Contador, but little did they know that the roles would be reversed." Tomorrow I expect him to write: "Some riders, who have doped in the past, and slandered me, may have trouble in the Alps."

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

Monotony at the Rhinoceropolis

At least I got the Karpets question right.

ringcycles said...

soon to be overheard in Williamsburg, "does this axe make my ass look big?"

Anonymous Coward said...

I was cruising through looking for my first ever 100% on the quiz. I had good legs, and then the recumbent question cut me down.

BENT KIDS

Anonymous said...

LOVE LMND

Fingerbang countdown is down to 2 days.

Anonymous said...

Yet another sad, sad day in Sydney

Fred said...

As a Fred, I confess I don't understand those artisanal axes. I do, however, have a circular saw I assembled from an old Suntour cassette, some solar cells and a Gruber Assist.

Test Tickle said...

Fred -

if this were FB i'd click "like!"

balls.

Test Tickle said...

Fred -

if this were FB i'd click "like!"

balls.

Anonymous said...

DUBL LIKE

g said...

The "fight" is on versus.com in the featured TdF videos. I guess there weren't enough crashes to keep the nascar folks tuned in. I doubt the UFC folks will find it too interesting, though.

grog said...

hair is hair.
but big hair on slick kit is just an incongruent juxtaposition.
Thx for posting Slide-o-rama.
FingerClick!
(not loaded)
RIDE NICE

bikesgonewild said...

...went to order my crabon fribé toilet & bidet set...

...no titanium hardware ???...no deal, pal...

Anonymous said...

Is that a giant sausage in your fancy Outlier shorts, or are you just happy to see me?
http://outlier.cc/main/the-wurst-outlier-shorts.php

Anonymous said...

WETT URTL

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Hairy Legs said...

Oh great - the usual 20 min BSNYC column was turned into an epic time waster with the 38 min video, which I of course watched to the end, then got sucked into watching multiple Monotonix videos on Youtube. Total time today: 73 minutes. Avg WPM (words per minute) 25 - low due to heavy video content. Calories burned: 456. TSS: 17

Anonymous said...

Oh how I look forward to the day when any of my bicycles is stolen, and I will be yearning for my lost love, singing songs to children around a campfire and rocking out on a ukelele.

David Loetterle said...

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/mis/1826718177.html
scope this

Anonymous said...

100% on quiz.


WRONG

leroy said...

Well I'll be darned.

A hockey game between Quickstep and Caisse d'Epargne broke out at the end of Stage 6 of the TdF.

Somehow, it reminded me of Versus cutting from Stage 3 of the Tour of California to cover the Canadiens and Flyers.

Or that time on the group ride when two guys showed up wearing the same Primal jersey. The slapping was just vicious.

Ride safe all!

bikesgonewild said...

...two 132lb effete spanish bike racers...that coulda got ugly...

...hope they didn’t pee themselves...

Anonymous said...

BTW, if you want to see the real bike girl (and similar, related images), minus the giving birth to fraternal twins Larry King and a turtle, Google the phrase (image search) bike panties. Or look here:
http://www.sexorb.net/sashablonde/300807/blog.html
(Sorry, snob, but you brought up the subject. . . .)

Anonymous said...

I love the LA ads on Velonews; him (or should I say Him) sitting on his bike in some some office, smiling, with a cup of coffee, his big Eiffel Tower pointing skyward.

theshepherdsdog said...

awesome google presentation; snob, i was thinking you and the editors at Bicycling could re-do your little photo in the column now that you are un-anonymous.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Enjoyed the finish-line dust-up video over at Velonews.com. Looked a little like a hockey fight.

You launch punches from the balls of your feet, kind of hard to do in cleated cycling shoes.

They looked like two drunk girls fighting in a nightclub, or perheps two T-Rexes trying to get at each other with their scrawny little arms.

A front wheel does not make a very good weapon or a very good Viking shield. Lucky it wasn't an R-Sys, or it could have exploded in the crowd and done some real serious damage.

They should take a page from the hipster playbook, and pound on each other with mini U-locks. Sure, its a lot of extra weight to haul up the Alps and Pyrenees, and the otherwise-empty Chrome messenger bag you carry it in tends to cover up the sponsor logos on your jersey, but hey, nothing less than your very manhood is at stake here, and better to be prepared than be thought of as a nancy-boy, right Cadel?

frilly said...

Only one wrong! Who said watching the Tour twice a day was a waste of time? Best quiz score yet.

Snobby, do not change your Bicycling photo. As previously discussed, I *love* that picture. You in those jeans--yummy!

Slappy said...

and thankful we are for you and your posting snobbby

stream of nothing said...

terrible score......that what comes from watching the tour on eurosport :(

tail said...

no finger banging and no banging but hell I should do this quiz buzzed as hell more often.
i'm dumbfounded that Fixed Up! isn't some match.com/eharmony or hook upsite perfect name nonetheless

where's Renshaw when I needed him to lead me out earlier today. screw it bring me a beer

tail said...

oh btw, Lemond go F yourself

Anonymous said...

Ahh, PBR... Do these hipster vegan fixie kiddos not realize that PBR is filtered through bone ash? Skeletons of dead cows, burned and mutilated, just so they can chug crappy beer.

Anonymous said...

Monty Python did an entire episode devoted to cycle-touring.

wholesomedick said...

YOU'RE A FAGGOT.

XOXOXO

- ZT

I am the melllow engine said...

MMM.

I like my beer beefy, just like my bottom brackets.

The next logical step is the bedazled chain saw for the faker jacks. That will make nyc a better place.

I am a sick puppy said...

http://www.wired.com/gadgetlab/2009/04/bike-designer-f/

for the properly trained dog.

southpole said...

he turns water into PBR? so what's the difference?

Visegripmikey said...

Hey all I found a live audio stream here:

http://eurosport.yahoo.com/audioplayer.html

leroy said...

Note to self: do not buy used Lance Armstrong kit on E-Bay. That guy is murder on his equipment.

bikesgonewild said...

...oh, great...now you tell me...

...i shoulda known those prices were too good to be true...

...ever try n' stop a 'pay-pal' order ???...

Anonymous said...

外遇---偷來的時間、偷來的伴侶、偷來的愛情
或許新鮮刺激,或許瘋狂美好,但這一切,終究是偷來的…
外遇傷害了一個幸福的家庭
或許你會說:問題其實早已存在,外遇並不是傷害的唯一因素
但是內心深處其實你知道,這只是外遇的藉口!
建築在傷害別人之下所得到的愛情,終究難以幸福…

Anonymous said...

顫抖著手,我拿不穩那份薄薄的離婚協議書
早知道他的出軌,癡心的守候最後他終究還是想要離婚
朋友勸我抓姦,但是我擔心他一氣之下會決裂的提出離婚要求
我愛他,願意作出一切只為挽回
所以我等、我默不吭聲、我在他面前強顏歡笑
多少夜裡,他用敷衍的藉口不歸
而我假裝相信,卻淚濕了枕頭...
顫抖著手,我拿不穩那份薄薄的離婚協議書
啞著聲音,我告訴他我絕對不會離婚去成全他們
只是,我不知道不離婚,懲罰的是他們,還是我自己...

Adam in Pacifica said...

Enjoy!


http://jacquiephelan.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/bicyclebattle_giant-vagina-bike-taxi.jpg

Joe the boob inspector said...

Snob you should have stayed Anonymous...you look like a guy who owns at least 3 of those axes but just likes to look at them and the real reason you threw the baby picture into the slide presentation is becuase you look like a huge homo.

antiques for sale said...

nice competition!

antiques for sale said...

yeah! great!

Anonymous said...

Watched that Google speech. Man oh Manischewitz do those kiddies lack any sense of humor. The only one with hope was the guy who asked about the cheese. It was just a giant exercise in the real difference between California and NY-effing-C. Meanwhile I nearly split myself laughing.

Anonymous said...

It seems like the Bike Snob book is in high demand - A used copy is going for around $169 on the Borders marketplace..

http://usedmarketplace.borders.com/booksearch?isbn=0811869989

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Anonymous said...

茜茜知道他有了外遇
他變得春風滿面,嘴裡總是哼著歌曲
他開始變得有耐心聽她說話、會買禮物給她、甚至帶她出遊
茜茜知道這是因為他對外遇有愧疚
她沒有揭穿丈夫的外遇,甚至享受這樣的生活
茜茜偷偷的跟姐妹滔說:感謝老公的外遇帶來更美好的夫妻生活!

Anonymous said...

明知道他有婚姻,筱蝶還是陷進去了
他告訴筱蝶,不是不願意離婚
只是孩子還小,他不忍心孩子這麼小就面臨父母離婚的難題
他告訴筱蝶,他有多麼愛她
他多想馬上離婚光明正大和她在一起
他告訴筱蝶,她值得更好的人,但是他捨不得放手
只要給他兩年時間,他就會馬上離婚
多麼動聽的話,為了他的承諾,筱蝶甘心傻等
一心等對方離婚、一心想要成為他的太太
然而當兩年的時間過去了
男人還是沒有離婚
他淡淡的對筱蝶說:我配不上妳,所以我要放妳自由!

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fixie bikes said...

lumber jacking is not related to to biking.