Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Bearing Witness: Hitting From Behind

("What pressure are you running?")

As you may know, next week I embark upon a series of Book-Related Appearances (or BRAs). My tour of America's "Hipster Belt" terminates at its muffin top, the erstwhile #1 cycling city of Portland, Oregon, which is now languishing beneath Minneapolis in the standings like a feeble "hipster" beneath an ample, corn-fed lover. The elaborate tramp stamp on this muffin top is of course Powell's bookstore, where I will be appearing, and for whose website I am currently writing a "guest blog." You can read this blog here, and while today's post has yet to "drop" I can reveal that it involves those stupid boot sandals:

I took this photograph moments before she opened that garment bag, crawled into it, and disappeared in a burst of glitter.

In the meantime, pending my departure, I feel uneasy--not because I will be stepping out of my "comfort zone" and visiting cities whose folkways, inhabitants, and condiments are strange, frightening, and unfamiliar to me, but because ever since yesterday I have been haunted by the GHMOIARBH from that video:

The truth is that I am of frail emotional constitution, and I am easily distressed by disturbing countenances. That is why the Legions of the Nonplussed to whom I have borne witness over the years reside eternally in my mind like a Pantheon of Disapproval or a Jury of Derision:

The foreman of this jury is of course the Nonplussed Journalist:


Being of fragile mind, I feel judged in every endeavor, and it is the Nonplussed Journalist who never fails to deliver the verdict of "Guilty."

Also, beyond the GHMOIARBH and the Jury of Derision, I'm also totally spooked by that staring guy from the ads for that HBO series "In Treatment:"


As well as by the menacing and mustachioed spokesman for 1-800-LAWYERS:

His 'stache is a pushbroom of justice, sweeping his opponents into neat little piles like so much sawdust.

Speaking of lawyers with toll-free numbers, they can come in handy when you're rear-ended by a car service driver:

I happened upon this scene only after the accident had happened, so I can't say with any certainty what happened, but I do have my suspicions. First of all, note that the Town Car has body panels from at least three different donor vehicles:

This is clearly not the first time this car has crashed into something.

Secondly, consider the car service driver himself, seen here talking to the rear-endee:

As all New Yorkers know, car service drivers are always talking on cellphones, and they have flabby jowls which they cultivate specially so that they can cradle their phones to the sides of their faces at all times. These jowls effectively hold the cellphone in place, and are their idea of a "hands-free device." I would confidently wager that, if one were to lift this man's jowls, one would find the impression of a Motorola logo still visible in his skin.

So, given the Town Car's colorway and the driver's chinway, my best guess is that the car service driver is at fault. Then again, I could be wrong, but in either case at least the Fat Chance was spared:

It's a good thing he wasn't using a trunk rack.

Shortly after passing this scene I mounted the Manhattan Bridge, which was coursing with bicycle commuters like a doped racer's veins course with red blood cells. So varied were the wheeled conveyances that I even saw a unicycle commuter, which is as dorky as it sounds and is kind of like seeing a pedestrian hopping. I couldn't help wondering to myself, "Is this it? Has New York City finally become the equal of Portland?" Between the commuting and the "bike culture" evidenced in that Streetfilms video, it's tempting to think so. However, you've got to wake up pretty early in the morning and put on a pretty ridiculous costume to out-silly Portland. With regard to the New York City "David Bowie Dance Ride," a commenter had this to say:

Anonymous said...

I hate to break it to you, but NYC copied that Bowie dance ride from Portland, where
a 'Bowie vs. Prince' dance ride has been an annual feature of Pedalpalooza since 2008.

June 8, 2010 3:45 PM


And so it has:

There are, of course, two lessons to learn from this: 1) When it comes to theme rides, Portland wins every time; and 2) When Bowie fights Prince, the only winner is androgyny.

Speaking of costumes (or a lack thereof), this Saturday the World Naked Bike Ride will take place in New York City, and a reader recently forwarded me this promotional video he made:

World Naked Bike Ride 2010 Promo... the making of.. from ps on Vimeo.

Why must people constantly embroil bicycles in their embarrassing behavior? The only way these people could possibly do more damage to cycling's credibility would be if they put on Ku Klux Clan robes and started burning crosses. Immediately after watching that video, I did this, followed by this. If you're looking for me on Saturday, expect to find me in Antananarivo.

Of course, if you insist on engaging in naked bicycle abdomen surfing on Saturday, you should at least make sure you have a comfortable saddle. Here's one, forwarded by a reader, that would probably be perfect for such an application:


The fish skeleton design will cradle your painted torso as you humiliate yourself, though attempting a cyclocross-style remount would no doubt leave the inside of your thigh looking like you were taunting your a cat with your "pants yabbies" instead of a piece of yarn.

But to remount you've got to dismount, and not everybody is proficient in the esoteric art of "clipping out." Recently, I observed a "Streetsign-Assisted Fredstand," which is a technique frequently employed by those who have not quite mastered their choice of pedalway and are reluctant or unable to disengage:

In the absence of a streetsign the Fredstander may employ a lamppost or a parked car, and in the absence of a stationary object of any kind he will most likely ride around in circles until the light changes or until he is felled by toe overlap.

In addition to the Fredstand, I have also witnessed the "Tri Geek Walk of Shame," wherein the triathlete walks his or her bike to or from the park in stocking feet with the empty shoes still dangling from the pedals. Unfortunately though, I have not as of yet managed to capture one on film. Similarly, I did not manage to photograph the strange gold motorized bicycle I saw darting through a traffic circle the other day. Amazingly, though, another reader forwarded me this photo, and it is indeed the very bicycle I saw:

It sounded like a hundred leafblowers, it was doing at least 35mph, and it was even more spectacular in motion.

Given the proliferation of power-assisted bicycles, is it any wonder this whole "motorized doping" controversy has arisen? And could Giro d'Italia winner Ivan Basso be guilty of the practice? Well, I don't know, but a number of readers have pointed out that he does have a single knuckle tattoo:

Keep in mind though that a mono-digital knuckle tattoo does not necessarily mean someone is guilty. As for the thumb gesture, he looks like a painter about to start a portrait, and one wonders if that portrait could be of his sister, Elisa:

Only the deadened groin of the GHMOIARBH could fail to be stirred by this ravishing she-Basso.


102 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh boy!

Anonymous said...

yes

Surly Bastard said...

Me!

Surly Bastard said...

Frilly, you're screaming fast this season!

WPI Cycling said...

Chain snap in the sprint!(i.e, caps lock on pw entry)

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

Nogocyclist said...

Now I can come in. Frilly first.

Anonymous said...

dammit!

Anonymous said...

Sweetness

Cipo's Love child said...

bah too busy doing my hair just so...

Shu-Sin said...

KEEP MSNG

ant1 said...

ant1st!

hell yeah Frilly!

Serial Retrogrouch said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

smack in the middle of the teens again... non-nonplussed.

Anonymous said...

Are we on standby for more Frilly genitalway?

Anonymous said...

CLIP TOUT

hillbilly said...

Frilly, way to go!!!!! I believe you had motorized assistance.

Anonymous said...

top 20!

Anonymous said...

I'm having a World Naked Bike Ride planning meeting here in Austin to screen the talent...

I am the engine. said...

Dark, very dark.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
where can I get one of those bassoways?
cf cassowary?

Jefe said...

So it's o.k. to be publicly naked as long as you look like Ms. Basso and it does not involve cycling? I can't keep up with all these rules. Rule #2,666(a)(3): No shoeless walking of a bicycle. Rule #4102-52(b): Unclipping is required from one's pedals at all stops.

However, congrats to Frilly on her gracious victory.

Anonymous said...

Frilly's becoming a regular on the podium! Very Cool!

Anonymous said...

That Vioxx commercial screenshot sent a chill down my spine, I may sue.

leroy said...

Yes! Frilly takes the podium.

I wasn't even in the running. I've been too non-plussed to compete.

I thought I was of indeterminate age, but my dog opined that my age and immaturity are obvious.

Oh well, at least my haggardness is not gratuitously induced. I blame my dog. Hairy-legged ingrate.

I am the engine said...

Is it possible that the GHMOIARBH is really the lone wolf after prozac and a manicure?

Daddo said...

"The Legions of the Nonplussed to whom I have borne witness over the years reside eternally in my mind like a Pantheon of Disapproval or a Jury of Derision"

Snob, you know me (us?) too well!

(Boston, man, c'mon, don't be lame!)

Shu-Sin said...

this morning on my commute i was circled by a middle-aged man who had a boy on his top bar and another, bigger, older boy on the rear rack. he did not want to stop at the light and he did three circles around me... Snob, until you are circled by a bike carrying three riders, you have not seen the worst of it... scary, man.

PhilboydStunge said...

I swear that was the non-plussed journalist sitting behind the Celtic's bench last night. Did anyone else see him? While all the other fans were exhorting Ray Allen to make a shot, he seemed to be passing judgement on Snobbie.

Anonymous said...

I was about to goad him over Boston.

Milkbuff said...

Per Monday's Pub for men's privates, where have the days gone when English Leather was all a man needed? And didn't anyone else think that knucklehead from the World Bike Naked video looked like Christopher Lloyd from Who Framed Roger Rabbit (minus the hair)?

Anonymous said...

World naked bike ride folks will get arrested no bikes allowed on foot paths under the manhattan bridge in the park!

you may drop clothes but nut the law!

Anonymous said...

Even pros "fredstand." In the coolest form, they will lean on each others top tubes or shoulders, somtimes several across.

schaughvn said...

i thank you for you for giving me my three seconds of fame. yes, the gypsy cab was at fault, no surprise there. yes, his vehicle took all the damage. yes, i never got to the trails that day. and yes, the police never showed up.

Anonymous said...

Sorry its the same old story. I wasn't expecting another win so soon!

mikeweb said...

Very nice Frilly!

BTW, those aren't boot sandals, they're sandal boots.

mikeweb said...

"Um, er," he said blushing, "I meant 'nice one' about your first place finish today, Frilly".

Damned inter-webs...

Black Sabbath said...

HAIL GEEZER

B.S.

I just had to said...

Photo of a hipster admiring a bike frame. http://www.wp-content/uploads/2010/06/ffss-tm.jpg I wonder if he intends to put one of those mantra saddles on it.

Anonymous said...

Only the deadened groin of the GHMOIARBH could fail to be stirred by a manta saddle.

Suzee said...

Considering the TGWOS, I have a distant cousin who apparently knows someone who once went to school with the brother of a tri-athlete. According to my DC, the event disciplin order is swim/bike/run (thrash/churn/waddle) and socks of the stockingway variety are always greeted with nonplussitude.
So 'barefoot in the park' is the TGWOS mantra...

Unknown said...

Snobby...

You been reading Dostoyevsky?

Anonymous said...

looks like Grant Petersen has been reading you -- thats a pretty gushing review.

http://www.rivbike.com/products/show/bikesnob/23-046

Anonymous said...

FRIL WINS

CAMI SHOT

MUST SHOW

RGHT NIPL

Fred Clydesdale said...

hey, don't badmouth sandalboots. anything that makes a sandal less of a sandal is welcome! and if they're substantial enough, they can protect us from having to deal with the full extent of horror that is the cankle.

g said...

Frilly wins, we all win. Congrats on yet another podium.

ringcycles said...

BSNYC, I believe the tri-geek walk of shame is a myth since tri-geeks have no shame. How else can you explain arm warmers worn with tank tops?

urchin said...

Guilty!

Soren K said...

Not Guilty!

ringcycles said...

Congratulations Frilly! So glad to see this added to your, um, palmares.

Anonymous said...

And I was about to try and campaign to redesignate the whole podium rules to be first comment after Frilly...

3G said...

Sandle Boots = Sanoots = Shants 2.0

Seattle_Mike said...

Good Luck on your Western events, too bad I won't be able to make your Seattle date (19th) as that date/time coincides not only with the World Wide Naked Bike Ride but also the Livestrong Challenge Seattle and most importantly it's the time of the Fremont Fair parade and about 2PM should be the painted naked bicyclists! http://bit.ly/dbvSyY and here's my collage of them http://bit.ly/9Rwx8r I hope you have more than a few attendees at your Seattle thingee. BTW I have bought and read your literary baby.

honkybucket said...

I do the whole fredstanding thing pretty regularly. Is far preferable (I would assume) than doing that whole crazy hipster violent trackstand thing where they shift back & forth, side to side erratic and convulsively, all in the name of not embarrassing themselves by touching foot to pavement. It's just nice (especially when riding through downtown) to not clip in/out at every single stop sign/light. I'm always real careful if using a parked car though, for fear of setting off some overly sensitive and obnoxious car alarm.

boys on the hoods said...

"There's nothing quite like the woodgrain veneer of expertise over the particle board of cluelessness that is a "hipster" mulling over the inevitable purchase of a lifestyle item."

"If you're unfamiliar with the bugle, it's basically a fixed-gear trumpet since it has no valves."

"That is why the Legions of the Nonplussed to whom I have borne witness over the years reside eternally in my mind like a Pantheon of Disapproval or a Jury of Derision:"

3 days back and 3 great posts. Obviously fatherhood is sitting well with you so far.

congrats on the snoblet and congrats to Frilly on another win.

honkybucket said...

Correction: "hipster violent tarckstand" that should read. My bad.

theshepherdsdog said...

awesome post

Fierce Panties said...

I thought that the Grant Pederson review was a little snarky and creepy. He sounded like an old man saying that he was "worried" about the Snob and compared him to Michael Jackson. Weird, but I still want the new Riv Hunqupillar.

skancellara said...

... I vould like to thank my motor...euh... my mother.

yogisurf said...

Wow! Frilly got the yellow jersey today. Is the fishbone seat on backwards? Taint that thing up with a long ride, then apply some Pub Below the Belt .

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the picture of Elisa Basso. But, can't believe you decided to delete a key part of her portrait: dealing doping products:

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news/paolini-mazzoleni-and-elisa-basso-face-trial-in-bergamo

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

g said...

I feel that this is a much better photo of ms basso. I guess she did this one a la Frilly for brother's podium at the Giro?

recumbent conspiracy theorist said...

frilly #1

Anonymous said...

Yep, I'm with Honkybucket, I've always thought you were a little weirdly overly zealous about putting your foot down. Sometimes it's nice not to, I don't think that falls under the realm of ridiculous

luciferyellow said...

Not that you are keeping score, but I think fredstanding has its merits. I do it often even on my commuter bike, which does not have clipless pedals. Coming out of a Fredstand it's a different, more preferable kind of wobbling during those first couple of pedal strokes.

Marc said...

was right there with Frilly as she was charging hard for the line, but flatted and had to walk it in... punctures will be a thing of the past though when I get my new Monster P-Far. I'll curate it with a one-off Brooks fishbone saddle

Keith Hearn said...

The streetsign-assisted-fredstand used to be very common before clipless pedals. If you were riding with your toestraps tightened, you'd have to reach down to your foot and loosen it in order to get out of the pedal, and then reach down again to tighten it when you started again. So we leaned against anything handy when stopped at lights. Either that or we left our straps loose enough to pull out except when we really needed the power.

But with clipless, it's so easy to get in and out of the pedal that I agree with the Snob's analysis; it just means you don't know how to clip out and back in.

Marc said...

http://www.gizmag.com/monsterbike-penny-farthing-truck-wheel-bicycle/15260/

This site may be better than the Skymall catalogue... Ping Pong Paddle Mit, who knew such wonders existed?

honkybucket said...

"I agree with the Snob's analysis; it just means you don't know how to clip out and back in."

Actually I gotta admit that's true. I spent a couple years racing mountain bikes in the great state of Maryland, even taking second place in a month long series. And (you're not gonna believe this, but I swear it's true) I did the whole thing using training wheels, cause I had so much trouble clipping in & out of pedals! (they make special knobbie training wheels for folks like myself who want to ride off-road but don't know how to clip out and back in.)

sufferist said...

Way to be Frily! (AGAIN!)

Ivan Basso is set to Wambo.

For your edification:
Patrick: You have it set to M for mini when it should be set to W for Wambo.

Spongebob: Wambo? I don't think that's a real word, Patrick...

Patrick: Of course it is, you know...I wambo, you wambo, he, she, me, wambo. Wambology, the study of wama. It's first grade, Spongebob!

Daddo said...

hey man - we need the NSFW warning - some of us have mouths to feed and bikes to buy!

bikesgonewild said...

...("What pressure are you running?")...

...pressure !!!...don't talk to me about pressure, goddammit !!!...i got enough fuckin' pressure in my life without...
...oh, sorry, ahhh, ummm, about 35lbs...
...gosh...

bikesgonewild said...

...& props to frilly...

...fun day to be her...not only is she gonna have to leave "a message in a bottle" but she's gonna have her 'bottom bracket' examined closely, too...

...two wins in two close stages...bears scrutinizing...

...just sayin'...

g said...

Daddo, I assume you were mentioning that for my link. Sorry, 'bout that. Personally, I just figure that everything on here is probably NSFW.

31t®um said...

who is this GHMOIARBH ?
he looks like a right hunk!

2.B.A.DO said...

I forgot what GBHMOIARBH was for a second and I had to look at yesterday's post to figure it out.. I must have laughed for a full ten minutes about that...gratuitous haggard man of indeterminate age, ravaged by hipness

Priceless Bike Snob, Priceless

Anonymous said...

No hipster would have a corn fed lover. They would only go with free range.

Anonymous said...

If Ivan Basso's sister is in the naked bike ride, I'm there!

Anonymous said...

Hey, my bottom bracket is fully compliant.

AYHWYCSMB

Anonymous said...

John Stossel got his start in Portland, Ore.

livingjetlag said...

Not a word on the pie plate - RTMS, I believe you are approaching enlightenment, and/or going soft.

bikesgonewild said...

...whoa...a bike blog is no place for me to speak of lateral stiffness...

...i won't be sayin'...

Isolation Helmet said...

"attempting a cyclocross-style remount would no doubt leave the inside of your thigh looking like you were taunting your a cat with your "pants yabbies" instead of a piece of yarn."

Today on the way to work the bolt holding my saddle to the seatpost broke. I now have a scratch down my thigh that makes me look like I was taunting my dog with my pants yabbies.

ringcycles said...

For a while I wanted to be one of the podium boys on a day that Frilly won the stage. Now, I'd take being the bottom bracket inspector. Not likely to be me in either case, but a boy can dream.

Salty and Sore said...

Congrats, Blackhawks!!

Toughest trophy in all of Sport. Sure, the Tour de France is the toughest event, but come on.

When your cup, alone, weighs 35 pounds....

Salty and Sore said...

Wow!

I love you all.

bikesgonewild said...

...absolutely, salty seattle...

...i woulda been a bitch all year if the blackhawks hadn't won...did i mention how much i hate the flyers ???...i think i might a' !!!...

...as much as i'd have liked to see them win it in front of the home crowd, (a)- i woulda missed the game but tonight i got to enjoy it & (b)- i know it stung the flyers more giving it up on the home ice...

...lord stanley's cup...35lbs...when yer a jock, it's light as a feather holdin' that beauty high w/ pride...

Anonymous said...

茜茜知道他有了外遇
他變得春風滿面,嘴裡總是哼著歌曲
他開始變得有耐心聽她說話、會買禮物給她、甚至帶她出遊
茜茜知道這是因為他對外遇有愧疚
她沒有揭穿丈夫的外遇,甚至享受這樣的生活
茜茜偷偷的跟姐妹滔說:感謝老公的外遇帶來更美好的夫妻生活!

Anonymous said...

茜茜知道他有了外遇
他變得春風滿面,嘴裡總是哼著歌曲
他開始變得有耐心聽她說話、會買禮物給她、甚至帶她出遊
茜茜知道這是因為他對外遇有愧疚
她沒有揭穿丈夫的外遇,甚至享受這樣的生活
茜茜偷偷的跟姐妹滔說:感謝老公的外遇帶來更美好的夫妻生活!

Anonymous said...

Yes, Mr Snob as the sleep deprivation brought about by your new role as a parent continues and your sleep debt builds and builds over the coming days you will find that in increasingly severe fits of random neural activity your dying brain will reveal to you concepts of unprecidented humour that will indeed flow on into an increasingly entertaining blog.

But be warned, at some point soon, I expect possibly by as early as the week after next, your brain will have become so damaged and your thought processes so abstract that your grip on a reality that can be communicated to others will be lost all together, perhaps irreversibly.

Your legion of readers baffled by your gibberish will cease to visit your blog. Only a few at first, the others still holding out for the great unifying punchline that surely must come. But eventually they too will turn away.

It is around this time you decide that you will indeed purchase your very own Big Dummy.

My boy turned one last week and he's been for a few rides on the back of the Big Dummy. Good luck with your first year of fatherhood.

ce

ant1 said...

go blackhawks! there's something about watching dudes lifting the cup over their heads. you know those guys couldn't be any happier. winning the tour is one thing, but you don't get your name on a trophy that has been and will continue to be worshiped by millions.

CommieCanuck said...

Isn't that the bike Cancellara used at Paris-Roubaix? That is one fast biek.

Anonymous said...

Someone help me.....is that a BBQ on the back of the Gold and blue bike?

PawnShop said...

I think it's the gas tank. Being perilously secured by wire and/or zip-tie, and mounted on the back of the Gratuitous Upper Swing Arm Thingy ( GUSAT ), I'm tempted to call it the Molotov Biketail.

Anonymous said...

that Fat Chance is Real Steel, and would probably survive anything ...

Anonymous said...

the Fred on the pole is about to drop into that grate when he starts forward ...

wishiwasmerckx said...

100th!

Anonymous said...

@ Ant 1. The Stanley Cup is nothing compared to having a winning Jersey from "Le Tour" to wear the rest of your life. Wear Polka Dots to your Son's Bar Mitzvah.

Wear the Maillot Jaune perhaps while carpooling or save it for some vigorous sport fucking.

Jump to the head of the line at Ralph's or Dagostino's in your Maillot Verde sprint points jersey.

Loser Hockey players get it for one day. And what do they do. Drink Molson out of it. Big Fuckin' whoop!

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