Thursday, June 10, 2010

Sustenance: We're All Cannibals

As the hour draws closer to the commencement of my BRA tour, on which I will chase the elusive burrito of literary success, I find myself deeply immersed in preparation. Primarily, this preparation involves "curating" my BRA tour bicycle, which I am turning into a sort of "DIY" coupled bike via judicious application of hacksaw and hose clamps. This is harder than it sounds, because I also have to allow for my handlebar-mounted live lobster tank, so that I may pay obeisance to the Holy Crustacean while in motion, as is central to my faith.

The first stop of my BRA tour will be Mellow Johnny's bicycular shoppe in Austin, TX on Wednesday, June 16th. I've visited Austin before, and while I found it to be disgustingly hot I also found this heat was mitigated by a naked dip in Barton Springs, followed by a refreshing 48 hours of court-mandated detox following my arrest for indecent exposure. I was also moved by Mellow Johnny's brand of Texas hospitality, which is the good kind (graciousness) and not the bad kind (shooting you with big guns), and a look at their itinerary shows just how far they're going for my visit:


I was particularly excited to learn they will be holding a "Cycling Stereotype Pageant," which I will apparently judge. (Such a contest would be impossible in Portland, where everyone is already a cycling stereotype.) While I don't want to insert myself into anybody's creative process, I will say that you might want to consider dressing as Floyd Landis, who comes in many "Landisways." There's Tour de France winner Floyd Landis:


"I didn't do it" Floyd Landis:


And of course "I did it and everyone else did too" Floyd Landis:

Just make sure to coordinate with your friends beforehand, because if there are going to be multiple "Landii" at the event they should at least be different versions.

Also, if you show up without a costume, you can always buy a bunch of stuff at Mellow Johnny's, wear it for the contest, and then attempt to return it the next day for a full refund. (This will not work if you throw up on it, as I can personally attest.) Or, if you do want to throw up on your costume, just troll for cheap attire on Craigslist. Here's an example of someone doing just that here in New York:

Wanted padded cycling shorts - $20 (park slope,prospect hts,windsor terrace)
Date: 2010-06-09, 11:08PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm new to cycling and need a ladies size 10 pair of padded cycling shorts and any other apparel specific to cycling in Prospect Park.


If you're wondering what makes a pair of cycling shorts specific to cycling in Prospect Park, it means they're so worn that they are sheer, revealing the recesses of the wearer's "butt crack." (This is how the majority of Prospect Park cyclists are dressed, complete with white sneakers, knee-high sweatsocks, and "vintage" Bell helmet from the dawn of the polystyrene era.) Of course, it's hard to imagine anything more disgusting than buying secondhand cycling clothing on Craigslist, but I'm reasonably certain that this is a man posing as a woman in a desperate attempt to obtain used cycling shorts for his perverse sexual gratification.

Also available on Craigslist is membership in a "bike crew," as a reader recently brought to my attention:

Join our Bike crew.. (Great Neck )
Date: 2010-06-09, 3:30PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

We are starting a bike crew in great neck:
"we ride together, we die together"

Were looking for good looking bikes, front and back shocks prefered.
Must be able to ride fast down hills with no brakes.
Night riding optional.


Following the closure of the fixed-gear scene, it would stand to reason that aspiring "bike crews" would turn to other types of bikes, and this particular crew seems to have chosen brakeless dual suspension bikes. It would also stand to reason that a "bike crew" dedicated to riding brakeless dual suspension bikes down hills would not live very long, hence their motto: "We ride together, we die together." Really, this sounds less like a bike crew than it does a Heaven's Gate-esque suicide cult. (Though at least you can opt out of the night rides, which means you can put off your inevitable demise for about 12 hours.)

Meanwhile, for those who somehow managed to gain entrée into the rarefied world of fixed-geardom, the whole "impractical touring" or "fixed-gear theme vacation" thing is more popular than ever. Fixed-gear freestyle impresario and streetwear enthusiast Prolly reports that two pilgrims of pointlessness will now ride their fixed-gear freestylers from Vancouver to Mexico for some reason:

Coast No Coast - Quote edit from Brock Mitchell on Vimeo.

While "Vancouver" is a specific departure point, "Mexico" is not a very precise destination, so I can only assume their naive plan is simply to head south until the skin tones of the people match their color chart and they hear Spanish spoken (or until they are robbed at knifepoint). I'm sure this project will yield many compelling "edits," and that thousands of like-minded people will thrill to footage of the various parking lots in which they "session" along the way.

But while some people hit the road with impractical bicycles and nary a clue, others plan, analyze, and document even the most simple ride right down the umpteenth decimal place. Another reader has forwarded me this video, which chronicles perhaps the most "epicly" high-concept beer run the world has ever seen:

Have Keg, Will Pedal from marty benson on Vimeo.

For some, beer is a luxury you afford yourself in between responsibilities. For this guy, however, beer is the responsibility, and procuring it requires more calculation and circumspection than sending a rocket into space:

Rest assured, though, that the entire enterprise is "sustainable"--including the soundtrack, which is totally organic inasmuch as it is this guy:

To me, the feat is not that he managed to move beer with a bicycle, or that he did so in a "sustainable" fashion, but rather that he manages to sustain a lifestyle that gives him that much time to "curate" the transport and consumption of beer. It's sustainability in a vacuum of leisure, with a nice frothy head of smugness.

In a sense though, sustainability is the antithesis of cannibalism, and a reader in Belgium informs me that Eddy Merckx bicycles is now producing controversial cannibalism-themed advertisements. Here's Tom Boonen, watching the countless bad "Red Wings" jokes already heading his way:


According to the reader, the Cannibal himself, Eddy Merckx, had this to say:

"I find it too aggressive, way too overpowering. I was shocked when I saw the ad campaign. This is too provocative, but I no longer seem to get it. I've become too old. I also didn't have any say in it, my company has been sold."

It's a good thing his nickname wasn't the Cincinnati Bowtie.

101 comments:

Shu-Sin said...

standing alone on mt. kailash... having been propelled by my beliefs that there's no motor in my downtube. i see the peloton charging.

Anonymous said...

podium!

Shu-Sin said...

following frilly!

Charles said...

Podium??

Charles said...

Dang it!

g said...

top ten? No frilly....

Matthew said...

NO LDOUT

me said...

top 10

Paul Bowen said...

Top ten!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Milkbuff said...

damn! Missed it.

Anonymous said...

12th!

Anonymous said...

It's the closest I've ever been

Anonymous said...

yes!

Blaiser said...

Top 20???!

g said...

There is no amount of sepia tone or larry king that can make that "Rede Wings" link safe for work. That was a harsh click...

yofilly said...

top twenty....

Slappy said...

It's sustainability in a vacuum of leisure, with a nice frothy head of smugness.

shucks u got it again

too bad yer bikebooktour doesn't make it through the high country, the weather is pretty pleasant up around 9,ooo' duhrango of course , would be appreciative of a non-nonomyous opportunity to take you for a ride
your lobster would love the coloRADo trail, especially the thirty mi dh part, bring brakes, shocks = whatev

g said...

"Red Wings"
So disturbed, I can't even spell....

Astroluc said...

CANN IBLE

Roadie Can't Fail said...

More like "We are all meatballs".

yofilly said...

"It's sustainability in a vacuum of leisure, with a nice frothy head of smugness."

I can never seem to get my smugness to froth nicely. Maybe my keg of smugness is flat.

How in the hell did you know what a Cinncinnati Bowtie is, Snobby? YEE-IKES.

leroy said...

Texas travel tip: "It don't matter who's in Austin, Bob Wills is still the king."

Have fun out there!

(And everyone who postd before Frilly is disqualified.)

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

I've never been called squeamish before...... Used shorts from Craigslist? Wow, that be hard core. DANG!

Marc said...

starting intense leg hair growing regimine to compete in Retro-Grouch division.

KEG FOAM (Tom ate my pinkie)

ken e. said...

please lord, let that be vancouver, washington...

MESI LNCH
HAIK UWIN
CMON FRIL
STPD RAIN

tominator said...

Ugh.

Used shorts.

Red Wings.

Cincinnati Bowtie.

Too much yuck today. Bad lunchtime reading.

ringcycles said...

Potential names for the "bike crew"; the bison stampede, the lookless leapers, or how about just the lemmings.

ringcycles said...

I think Boonen looks less like he just took a bite out of someone, and more like he just got popped in the mouth (perhaps by Spartacus), and doesn't know how to hit back. Advertising FAIL.

Alan said...

East End Brewing has been doing a keg ride for the last five or six years to demonstrate the sustainability of their operations. Over 700 people participated this year. Needless to say, it was epic.

http://www.eastendbrewing.com/node/830

Nogocyclist said...

What sound does a gargoyle make? That is a question a 6 year old would ask. The only way adults would ask that repeatedly would involve excessive consumption of beer.

Why they would take the time to put it on the Internet is a question I can come up with no answer for.

dirty30 said...

Hmmmmm, maybe she can get a pair of padded shorts off one of the dead Bike Crew bodies? I'm not sure if they would meet the Prospect Park criteria, but the price would be right....

Jimmie Walker said...

Coast to coast? Canada and Mexico are mostly on the same coast.

hillbilly said...

Ima do an epic 64th to Canal along the Big Skanky later, ending in PP, in everyday clothes, no less.

Skid Mark said...

I thought bike touring meant you carried your gear. Or beer.

Fixed-gear touring usually means ultralight touring.
Simple, light, and spartan.
Please tell me they won't be supported by a van or a mobile home.

BTW, when is World Naked Bike Touring Day?

Skidding on the double yellow was never mentioned by any touring books or articles I've read.

But it's gotta be important.

Anonymous said...

Mellow Johnny left out a stereotype: the Geeky Recumbent Rider (Of The Apocalypse).

Anonymous said...

when i look at tom boonan somehow all i can see is blood coming from his nose...

Milkbuff said...

Yeah, nogocyclist, I agree on the lame theme of the video. But come on, the best part of that whole video was the ending. It was finally when Mr. Smug quit taking himself seriously.

portland anonymous said...

with the red wings and the cincinnati bowtie all in one post, i'm waiting for my heart rate to come back down before standing up from my desk

not even my cone of smugness can protect me from what has been seen

Red Winger said...

"If you can walk through mud, you can fuck with blood, I say."

Jefe said...

Now I get the whole "Tom Boonen RIP" thing someone posted a couple months ago. He's not dead, just undead.

Bushy Eyebrows said...

HAIL TWEEZER(S)

B.E.

Mexy Mafia said...

"their naive plan is simply to head south until the skin tones of the people match their color chart and they hear Spanish spoken (or until they are robbed at knifepoint)"

a little racist wouldn't you say, pandejo?

Jefe said...

Mexy Mafia, I agree. Besides it would not get them past East L.A.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Having grown up in Cincinnati, a place so uptight and conservative that Robert Mapplethorpe faced prosecution for displaying his homoerotic photographic images, I am stunned to see any sex act named after my hometown.

streepo said...

Eat me, one way or the other.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Mexy mafia, I guess their ride ends at the Mission District in San Francisco, huh?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Having attended two high school graduations this week, I wanted to share with you a poem appropriate for the season:

Roses are red, and ready for plucking,

High school girls graduate, and are ready for...college.

Maureen said...

Mellow Johnny's is the epicenter of smugness and hair gel in the Austin bicycling community. How I hate them--oh, how I hate them. But I will go anyway, on the appointed night, to see the Snob. This I will do.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mexy Mafia,

I certainly didn't mean it to be. I was underscoring the "hapless and naive" traveler theme.

--RTMS

Nigel Tufnel said...

GOTO ELVN

N.T.

mikeweb said...

Wow, practically DNF.

I was too busy curating an epic lunchtime ride in C.P.

Anonymous said...

Mellow Johnny's

Austin

Stages of Floyd

Where are the creepy Floyd Landis comments?

frilly said...

Dear me! First that pic of Tommecke, wow, then I made the mistake of clicking on the red wings link. Bukkake and now this. So much to learn.

Sorry I missed the podium, I got sidetracked on DSW looking at shoes.

Kisses shu-sin.

Anonymous said...

Why is Boonen's nose running? Candy flip? Hippie flip? Hema flip!

I am the engine. said...

And I thought yesterday was dark. You will fit right in with those Texans, maybe Bush Jr. will visit you at mellow's.

Shu-Sin said...

frilly... you are tempting me to retire now... best to quit when on top.

bikesgonewild said...

...once again, the "cocaine cowboy" tom boonen proves that one man's "perverse sexual gratification" is simply another man's "meat & potatoes"...

...& another 14 year old belgian girl learns about coke & 'redwings'...

Anonymous said...

I am both honored and disgusted that my hometown was mentioned on BSNYC.

g-roc said...

Vancouver to 'Mexico'. Fixed. Douchetards.

David Henderson said...

Wouldn't it be great if Floyd Landis himself entered the "Cycling Stereotype Pageant".

I would imagine that he would win, but later be disqualified for being himself and still racing.

Papa Doc said...

CHOP SHOP.

P.D.

Queen of the Rant said...

That ad is creepy

Quicksquirt McHurt said...

I'd hit it.

Anonymous said...

The Cannibal is no match for "Hot Carl" or worse yet "The Minnesota Steamboat" Just wait untill their ads drop.

Anonymous said...

Anyone get a red cell count off Tom's face?

d. fofonov said...

I am honored that Mr. Snobs is using proper Russian grammar to pluralate Landis as Landii. Am knowing him as Floydska but not trusting Mennonites. They are resembling Bolshevikii in too many ways.

If I am fortunate to meet Elisa Basso I am saying in best Russian "gavareetzee voy pa humma humma.

Is much funny when drinking liberal amounts of vodka.

Anonymous said...

and just like that the bike lane plan for 1st and 2nd aves is pretty much shot. no comment from tranalt, probably busy with another logo redesign

Anonymous said...

Today was a local "take your daughter to work" kind of thing, so I didn't dare pull up the links to red wing or Cincinnati bowtie, so I just looked them up in the urban dictionary.

That's just fucking wrong, man. Next thing you know, you'll be shoving a bullwhip up your ass, getting someone to take a picture of it, and calling it art, like Robert Mapplethorpe. What a crazy brotherfucker. In simpler times people would have just laughed at him.

Cincinnati was the only city that was intelligent enough to figure that one out. The other were stupid fucks.

Anonymous said...

Red Wings? Dude....

Oh, at our local Bike Swap people always bring in used bike shorts to sell. I always think "gross!" but people come and buy those nasty things. Maybe it's a way of having safe sex?

Anonymous said...

Anon 4:44: Like you never accidentally "sat" on your bullwhip before. Yeah, right.

Jorgé Curioso said...

Shit. And to think that the Urban Dictionary rejected my definition of 'The Laverne', which for those who might be curious is a reverse blumpie.

WhitneyD said...

I can't believe you're not coming to Denver.

Luck E. Seven said...

What?!

Marty gave my head an acheway.


A

frilly said...

Luck E!!!!! Big hugs!

How are you?!?

theshepherdsdog said...

! shoot i'm tempted to drive out to austin... too bad I have a job interview that day. but maybe ill get the job so it's alright i guess.

Tommeke said...

Fourteen in the US still converts to something like 23 in Europe despite those fucking Greeks. Hey, now there's an idea!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thanks to you, Mr. BSNYC, I will never look upon the Detroit Red Wings in the same light as before.

Bluenoser said...

Keep it up Snobby and some day even if you do get to where you are going, they are all going to be waiting for you.

I draw the line at Eddy.

-B

Hmm? Wha? said...

If Boonen is a cannibal, isn't that inherently a form of blood doping? Landis?

Anonymous said...

I'm still waiting for the fixed gear brakeless mountain bike revolution.

ted grant said...

met 2 german guys bike touring from seattle to LA last year, they were on fixed gears with large messenger bags full of their gear (including camping stuff). I was on a traditional touring bike. I was amazed at their chutzpah and strength. Good luck to those fixie kids, they will kneed it (ha ha ,,,, get it?)

NatiIKid said...

haha as a resident of cincinnati, I highly encourage the readin of the rest of the "Cincinnati.." entrys. start with "cincinnati fondue" hehe

Never Knows Best said...

Anon 7:54, extreme fixed gear mountain biking is already here. Multiple people have completed the tour divide on fixed gear bikes, although I'm willing to bet that anyone who has ever attempted that feat has had some 'breaks' on their bikes...

cyclotourist said...

REDW INGS

Anonymous said...

男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚
外遇情人面前,他可以享受著年輕戀愛般的美好
在回歸家庭時刻,他可以享受著老婆對他無微不至的照顧
在同事朋友面前,他可以享受著眾人對他的忌妒與羨慕
男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚,他只想自私的擁有一切

cyclegoddess said...

Queen of Mts , OZ!!

cyclegoddess said...

ewwww. Where are the pictures of fluffy bunnies and cute babies?
Im taking my bike and going home!!

Shu-Sin said...

perhaps boonan is surreptitiously doping in the poster. that must be armstrong's blood from landis' little firdge on his chin!

"Guppy" Honaker said...

It's too bad Eddie M. didn't have any say in the ad campaign (which was pretty nasty). But, you know, that's business in today's world.

- David

Aloe Vera 101
Holistic Health Info.

Anonymous said...

Hey douche bag thanks for the shout out! Thanks to one of your lovely readers whose a triathelete and gravitating more toward running instead of cycling i got those shorts you and the others are so repulsed by.

As a matter of fact she sold me a pair of black capri style and her team shorts,gloves,jacket,and tire repair equip.*gasp* And they had been laundered. Wow!

Now i can really pretend to be as important as you think you are in Prospect Park.{{ON YOUR RIGHT}}.

*smooches*

cyclegoddess said...

Anon 953
I doubt it.Frilly and I only share clothes with each other, on those days after our ride, we have nail painting and pillow fights. We ALWAYS use exquisite laundering, with fine non phosphate eco laundry products and dry our chamois laying flat in the sun.

Besides, you big fat,jealous ass won't fit into either if our dainty girlie cycling articles.

Anonymous said...

notice the dickhead in the video Prolly brought up is riding on the opposite side of the road. Typical dickhead move which is intentional and a core reason dickheads are dickheads.

dickhead=person who rides bikes without brakes, or hipsters in general.

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fixie bikes said...

i'm not a canibal.