Thursday, June 24, 2010

Beaching and Moaning: Non-necessity is the Mother of Reinvention

Firstly, you may have noticed that the advertisement for valued (and only) BSNYC/RTMS blogular sponsor "Just Coffee" has changed. This change is to reflect the fact that they have decided to honor me by offering a proprietary BSNYC/RTMS "blend." It looks like this, and you can obtain it by clicking on the ad or on the word "here:"
While I initially suggested simply stealing the beans from poor farmers in order to keep costs down, it turns out that Just Coffee is one of those "fair trade" operations, so I decided to humor them by letting them engage in their standard "woosie" business practices at considerable cost to me. While a BSNYC/RTMS-branded coffee blend may seem like yet another in an endless series of shark jumps, the truth is that blogular sponsorship is a necessity ITTET and I am grateful for Just Coffee's support. Also, given the fact that I would gladly claw the face off of a fellow human being in order to keep bringing readers the best free blog I can every day, I think promoting a fair trade coffee cooperative in Madison, WI is a vastly preferable alternative. (Such enterprises are not exactly pumping sludge into the Gulf of Mexico.) Plus, if you enter coupon code "BSNYC" on your Just Coffee order, you get 10% off--that amounts to a whopping $5,300 if you order 1,000 5lb bags, so you really can't afford not to do it.

Speaking of promotional activities, one strange component of being a blogular "curator" is that I am occasionally contacted by "PR" people and invited to product launches. Amazingly, some people find new products so exciting that they will wait on line for 36 hours in order to purchase them, and it is this misguided impulse that PR people tap into in order to lure bloggers to these launches and help them sell their client's product for free. Most recently I was invited to the "Pop Up Store Opening Party" for something called Alite Designs. The party will take place tonight.

I rarely attend even guileless social parties, let alone contrived ones designed to sell something, and so I will not be at this one. However, I was intrigued and amused to discover that Alite is in fact a "hipster" outdoor company, and that they appear to be to L.L. Bean what Urban Outfitters is to the Gap. If you're wondering what makes "hipster" outdoor living different from regular outdoor living, it's pretty simple: whereas most people try to take advantage of outdoor excursions by doing things like walking around and enjoying nature, "hipsters" just do the same thing they do in their gentrified faux dive bars, which is sit around and get drunk in a sad attempt to overcome their inability to relate to each other on a sincere and honest level:

They also lie awkwardly next to one another, each hoping that the other will initiate sex:

(All You "Hipsters" Neglect My "Ween")

Nobody ever does, which is a major downside of being part of a follower "culture."

The upside, of course, is all the ironic jamborees:


Alite's spirit of irreverence is also reflected in its staff bios, which include the obligatory "wacky" retro pop culture reference-themed question (in this case in the "Sesame Street" referenceway):

I'm assuming the animals coming out of their heads are supposed to represent "spirit animals," though I'm pretty sure in reality they all share the same one, which is a chipmunk in tight jeans trapped in an emotionally crippling state of eternal childhood.

Of course, like any company, Alite needs publicity. If they were a normal outdoors company, they might do something like sponsor an expedition. However, "hipsters" are not exactly known for their hardiness and planning skills, and a trendy Alite-sponsored mountaineering party that sets out to tackle Everest "at like 2:30-ish" would no doubt perish before finishing its first carton of American Spirits.

Realizing this, Alite have instead harnessed the awesome marketing power of urban cycling, and have engaged in a "collabiation" with none other than Outlier (the "hipster" Rapha), makers of impressively expensive shorts and pants. In the time-honored "hipster" tradition of inventing something unnecessary that already exists, their "collabo" has yielded a revolutionary new beach bag:

So groundbreaking is this bag that the PR person implored me to refrain from mentioning it until the above-linked Coolhunting post about it "dropped"--which, having been "cockblocked" myself by that yutz from the Times, I was more than happy to do. Now, though, I am presumably at liberty to share with you this incredible new satchel:

In telling me about the bag, the PR person alluded to some "secret" beach Outlier had apparently discovered, and indeed the Coolhunting post mentions "a NYC seaside hotspot accessible only by bike." Since there is no area beach (or really any place anywhere) that is "accessible only by bike," my guess is that the Outlier crew have recently started exploring the Rockaways and, like Columbus "discovering" the New World, have taken full credit for the find despite the presence of other people who have lived, clammed, and sunbathed there for centuries. At this rate it is only a matter of time before they discover Atlantic Beach to the east, become seduced by the whole "Flamingo Kid" aesthetic, and pool their resources in order to rent an ironic "hipster" cabana. (Gold chais buried in chest hair will become all the rage, and cabana boys will become Messengers 2.0.)

In any case, after discovering a beach that non-"hipsters" already knew about, Outlier then set about inventing a style of bag these non-"hipsters" have long been using to take their stuff to the beach--this being a tote bag. Unlike a regular tote bag, though, this bag is "designed to carry a towel, sandals and food while staying securely strapped on in transit"--which was, I thought, the point of those giant messenger bags they already had. It seems to me most of the messenger bags I see these days are large enough to carry not only a towel, sandals, and food, but also at least six pairs of Kadima paddles and plenty of sunblock to protect their pallid flesh and costly sleeve tattoos from the damaging rays of the sun. I guess they just don't look "beachy" enough, and we're entering into a bold new age of "hipster" resort wear.

Granted, as a blogger currently flogging his own coffee blend I shouldn't be critical, and the truth is I wish Outlier nothing but success. (As for Alite, I'm largely indifferent to their success or failure, though I do get the sense their "spirit animals" aren't so much guiding them as simply humping their legs.) Still, it's difficult not to comment on the manner in which "hipster" companies seem to take activities and products that already exist and then re-package and re-present them as references to those activities and products, so that your outdoor excursion or beach day becomes a stylized homage that is easily photographed for social networking.

Of course, if you're a hoary old brand like Cinelli that has suddenly found itself a "hipster" favorite, instead of reinventing something you have the luxury of simply mining your own past. For this reason, Cinelli is re-issuing its once cutting-edge but now impractical and useless Laser:

I can't wait to see these headed out to the beach.

But what if you don't have a suitably "cool" beach bike, let alone a bag to go with it? Well, you can always rent one on Craigslist:

Want to rent fixie/SS for the weekend - $60 (15 Hawthorne)
Date: 2010-06-23, 7:43PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I'm from Texas, here in the Prospect park area for the week and I'm looking for a fixie or single speed to rent. Nothing fancy, just a beater with an oiled chain. I'm on a budget so I'd like to keep it cheap but I also would like to have the bike from Friday to Sunday so I can hit the Critical Mass and then the beach. Anyway, please help a country out...junkers, beaters, whatever just as long as it's fixed or SS. Thanks.

Renting a bike to ride in Critical Mass is like tucking your penis between your legs to participate in a women's rights march.

Also, if you plan to "hit up" your local secret bicycles-only beach this summer and you want to get noticed, make sure you have plenty of tattoos:

Tattooed biker at Bespoke - m4w - 29 (Fort Greene)
Date: 2010-06-22, 12:42PM EDT

Not really a missed connection since I've seen you walking dogs on Adelphi and riding your bike on Clinton, and I'm sure I will see you again. Your legs have a few tattooes and the backs of thighs have tats in the same position. I think that's what really gets me.
Yesterday I walked right by you on Lafayette and South Portland. My heart jumped. You smiled. I dumped my laundry off and ran out to see if I could stare at you more. I saw you go into Bespoke. Then come out. I felt a little creepy watching you. The worst was that I found myself imagining that my girlfriend was you last night.
I was wearing a primus t-shirt.


Once again, humanity proves its willingness to reduce others to their "body art." By the way, if you're unfamiliar with Craigslist "missed connection" jargon, "I was wearing a Primus t-shirt" is code for "I am a gigantic dork."

98 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium

Anonymous said...

Woah

Astroluc said...

2nd first!

Doug said...

I'm a West coast guy, first time in the comments peloton. Have an epic burrito on me!

smugseattle said...

Top 10 again! Podium in my sights.

Anonymous said...

Top 10?!

Astroluc said...

"This is NOT a Primus T-shirt"

now that would be funny... no, no it wouldn't. Anyway, would not the author of said missed connections have ruined any and all chances with his mysterious damsel by letting it slip he had a girlfriend, and that he was fantasizing about another whilst in the midst of copulation? Oh come on, let's be serious and surmise that by him implying he has a lady-faire that he is, in fact, single and lame, and by him referencing some vague "girlfriend" he is trying to evoke the idea that he is desirable to the opposite sex...

Ryan Gielow said...

Ta!

Anonymous said...

beat ant1st bwwaahaha

grog said...

i think like Bespoke.
send coffee beans.

yikesbikes said...

This is great...

mander said...

You're in fine form today Snob. A little nasty... I like that.

stiveaux said...

yet another tour de force

other than the cute pink torso, how can they market those dingy brown tote bags as hip? I guess I'm too old to get it.

TJ Eckleburg said...

The Chipmunk in the tight jeans.

Hilarious!

Anonymous said...

sono nei venti principali e la mia squadra ha perso 3-2!

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

OBA said...

SQEE ZBOX

Anonymous said...

Now I'm gonna watch the video of that girl putting her bike together.

Bad Lawyer said...

As the curator of the Bad Lawyer Blawg, I have had very few offers of sponsorship apart from certain departments at the US District Court. You are indeed a lucky (and talented), man, Snob!

Anonymous said...

"sit around and get drunk in a sad attempt to overcome their inability to relate to each other on a sincere and honest level" ... "in tight jeans trapped in an emotionally crippling state of eternal childhood"

ouch - what a hit in the heartway!

ant1 said...

PRMS SUX!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Dear G-d, please don't tell me that you have been retained to produce civet coffee. You ingest the beans, they "harvest" them from your poo, then sell them for a handsome sum.

"Blend of Disapproval," indeed!

ian said...

Please tell me the Alite x Joy Division collabo and associated typo did not appear in the Times...

wishiwasmerckx said...

For those of you who are not members of our tribe, "chais" is plural for a hebrew letter representing "life," and often worn on a chain as a talisman of sorts, not some emergency stash of spiced tea worn around the neck in case of a thirst emergency.

hillbilly said...

all kinds of good, thanks.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Lone Wolf has just retained Bad Lawyer to serve a cease and desist on Alite for misappropriating his image as a repurposed "spirit amimal."

Buffalo Bill said...

My spirit animal humped my leg once, I was in a body cast for a month.

livingjetlag said...

When I buy my half-ton of Blend of Disapproval, I hope they package it in a reusable cone of smugness. Mine's getting a little threadbare. I like knowing, in addition to getting coffee that associates itself (and therefore me) with something rare and interesting (a cool blog? can that happen?), that I'm being socially responsible by buying the only coffee that is picked on a fair-trade organic kibbutz on the volcanic-soiled hillsides of Wisconsin, USA.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Not to be picky, but those people appear to be waiting in line for the new iPhone, not waiting on line. If they were waiting on line, they would be pictured sitting in front of their computers in their parents' basements.

Daddo said...

"Renting a bike to ride in Critical Mass is like tucking your penis between your legs to participate in a women's rights march."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahha!!!!!!!!!!

R.R. said...

speaking of primus, check this out...

http://primusville.com/

a four wheeled, tandem, recumbent?

frilly said...

There's a guy who has been known to attend the local Wednesday women's only ride. I've heard they make him ride in the back & he's not allowed to speak to anyone.

Scout's honor!

Anonymous said...

I tried tucking my penis between my legs at the women's rights march, but the glans kept tickling the back of my knees.

JTK said...

Mr Slone upsets me. The use of the word "ergonomic" to describe that lazily contrived squarish combination of fabrics with one inch unpadded shoulder cutting straps upsets me. Alite upsets me. I am upset.

Fair Trade coffee makes me happy. I am happy.

Anonymous said...

but what's the time series in the waterfall plot on that pink tshirt the woman model is wearing ? there's no labels on the axes. maybe its the weekly pistadex for 2009 ?

Anonymous said...

Top 40? So much for italy :(

JTK said...

oh, and while I'm at it, dropping $60 to rent a GD fixed or SS bike for 3 days and requesting that only a fixed or SS bike will do does not align with cheap. It aligns with extravagance and a need to have your every whim fulfilled.

streepo said...

Thanks wiwm! Not being of the tribe (not that there is anything wrong with that) I was thinking exactly that it was a secret tea stash.

"S.K." said...

"This one" was by far "one" of the better "posts" I've read since "you" started writing. "So" for "that" I would like to extend "a" hearty "thanks".

Daddo said...

"There's a guy who has been known to attend the local Wednesday women's only ride. I've heard they make him ride in the back & he's not allowed to speak to anyone."

- that was me when I tried to draft as women's fieled past me in April back at Battenkill

rudy jenkins said...

dear RTMS,

first the spirit animal jab, then the dick tuck remark and you got me laughing so hard i had to walk it off. anonymous or not, you still write like it and i love that about you. xo

Anonymous said...

Aaaaaalllvin!!!!!!1

CommieCanuck said...

Whew..that's all for your letters of concern following the Great Canadian Earthquake of '10.

I wasn't sure what to do, as we only watch natural disasters unfold on US TV, so I've been trolling around in canoe and a dirty wifebeater mumbling "fuck Washington" to TV cameras. At least I'm not some twat in Ottawa who says he now knows EXACTLY what the people of Haiti went through.

Back in my office, my favorite pen rolled off the desk and broke, but we'll rebuild.

Send any clothing donations in the form of new Assos bibs to the address flashing below.

Test Tickle said...

the fruit basket comment made me think of this catchy little phrase:

"it put's the lotion on it's skin, or it gets the hose again..."

balls (tucked behind my buttocks).

CommieCanuck said...

Dear G-d, please don't tell me that you have been retained to produce civet coffee. You ingest the beans, they "harvest" them from your poo, then sell them for a handsome sum.

That's Kopi Luwak. Weak sauce. The good stuff is harvested only 3 weeks a year and fed to Ronnie Wood, who then poops it out and it's fed to Keith Richards. The final product is pricey @$1400/lb, but seeing the eye of God in very cup is worth it.

g said...

"a chipmunk in tight jeans trapped in an emotionally crippling state of eternal childhood"

Once again, this goes in the golden vault.

libertyonbikes! said...

now do you really want to unleash the wrath of Claypool zealots?

Danger is your third middle name.

Anonymous said...

That damned Canadian earthquake has rendered my monitor slightly crooked.

Anonymous said...

You just gave Alite more advertising by not showing up and blogging about them. You should be compensated.

andrew said...

its a god thing your not going to that party - it may influence you in some way and you might inadvertently mention it over twenty times in tomorrows blog.i love that your blog is just awesome social commentary and not just shameless promotions.
is it true you wrote a book?
sycophants-to your keyboards!

PawnShop said...

I can see it now:
Forty-five years from now, RTMS Jr will compile the collected best barbs from this blog and publish them. The title will be, "Shit MY Dad says".

Anonymous said...

"a chipmunk in tight jeans trapped in an emotionally crippling state of eternal childhood."

also, primus sucks!

db said...

Still, it's difficult not to comment on the manner in which "hipster" companies seem to take activities and products that already exist and then re-package and re-present them as references to those activities and products, so that your outdoor excursion or beach day becomes a stylized homage that is easily photographed for social networking.

Wow, mad props for that passage of clarity.

Michael said...

im kind of suprised outlier is what you deduce to a hipster company. i may have an inclined desire to geta vneck merino shirt and their tailored looks like a pleasure to wear.

but i do agree. the prices are quite outrageous. you could spend a whole pay check on clothes your too afraid to wear.

thanks snobby snob another day well judged

CommieCanuck said...

That damned Canadian earthquake has rendered my monitor slightly crooked.

I know, I know, exactly like Port-au-Prince around here.

Anonymous said...

Start wearing pourple wearing pourple
Start wearing pourple for me noow
All your sanity and wits they will all vanish I promise
Ladadada
It's just a matter of time

bikesgonewild said...

..."spirit animals" you say ???...

...i thought that guy just had a really bad case of lupus...

Jerkhard Sirdribbeldick said...

Well if you jump the shark but the shark bites your balls off in mid-air and you clean the landing but have blood dripping on your black leather jacket and you're really really pissed, well, do you know what I'm trying to say here?

bikesgonewild said...

..."I would gladly claw the face off of a fellow human being in order to keep bringing readers the best free blog I can every day"...

...nice...ya, nice & edgy...

...& in speaking of coffee, it sounds like a certain blogular curator just missed a cup or 3 of his just coffee this morning...

...road weary...middle of the night bikesnobulette feedings...blogular responsibilities...

...i say push the man's carafe a little closer but stand well back...

George Not Hincapie said...

Since your return, you've hit a higher level. A plethora of insightful content. Any info on book 2?

theshepherdsdog said...

that bespoke exhibit looks pretty cool

bikesgonewild said...

...earthquakes in the ontario/quebec region ???...sure, pal...

..if it ain't on yahoo news, i don't believe it happened...sounds like it was fabbed up by the globe & mail...

...now, out here, we did however have a broken water main in the middle of sir francis drake blvd which disrupted the fairfax morning commute...

...now that's some news...

urchin said...

hmmm... the twilight between the daylight of ridicule and the dark night of product endorsement...

a potent blend

sycophant/NPJ

Salty and Sore said...

HAHAHA!

Lance is funny..

Really. Putting in an ad on CL to rent a bike? And a fixed or SS only?

Awesome. Subtle, yes. But awesome.

'Scuse me while I go enjoy more of our sunny weather. Our summer may be over soon.

Anonymous said...

I usually get the impression that you have a "joshing" manner, but you're landing some real punches today, snob. It's a nice change!

Mo's Bike Shop said...

"collabiation'

Is that like the Latin for tribbing?

Crankee said...

"Renting a bike to ride in Critical Mass is like tucking your penis between your legs to participate in a women's rights march."

Another gem from the snobmeister.

Ken said...

Dude, I've been lurking on the site for a while. Never got to see you at a BRA tour, but I ordered some (well a lot of) coffee. Hope it reflects well on you.

Ken said...

Dude, I've followed the BLOG for a while. Sadly, no BRA tour here. SO, I ordered some coffee (well maybe a lot of coffee) hope it reflects well on you.

Anonymous said...

Man! This post was unusually hilarious.

Anonymous said...

haha. designer for Ford. Hey yuppie, those POS cars are ugly and of extremely low quality. I would be ashamed to take responsibility for anything having to do with them, not fill the air with smug over it like some poorly made exhuastie douche-pipe

cyclotourist said...

1000 BAGS

cyclotourist said...

FACE CLAW

cyclotourist said...

CHIP MUNK

Anonymous said...

CC, that must have been one nasty earthquake you had as it even affected us a little down here in Aus. At the time I was looking in the fridge and my bottle of Steeves l'original Canadien sirop toppled infont of me missing my foot by a wisker. I now know what the people of Haiti felt like in the terrible aftermath when there bottles of Maple Syrup had been all smashed up. Hungry and uncertain as to where my next maple syrup topped meal will come from I am now just trying to deal with the ongoing risk of glass fragments.

Lob is displeased.

ce

MarvinK said...

I don't care about the bag.. the Joy Division shirt is cool.

Anonymous said...

Mr Snob, I agree with db, that sentence struck me as being particularly insightful. However, I do still suspect that you are being paid out by Outlier and Alite and that your blog is now indeed some sort of tricky counterintuitive product placement. Please allow me to explain what I think you all ready know.

Just as hipsters are drawn to reference various outdated fashions and inferior superseded or unnecessary products I suspect also that when the hipster fashion itself is picked apart and exposed as the superficial wank that it is, the hipsters will then be drawn to reference... themselves! This next layer of superficiality will involve looking and acting like a hipster but only ironically. I believe that at some stage over the last couple years as you have been observing and analysing hipster behaviour you too have realised that this would be the inevitable next step and have sought a means to exploit this subtle paradigm shift.

Your criticism of hipster brands is exactly what the new hipper hipster will respond to. You know it, Outlier know it, and Alite know it and they are paying you to get it out there how useless and shit they are.

Your ramblings about a fixed gear apocalypse have just been a distraction to put off other blogging types equally well poised to strike at the new marketing opportunity. Admit it to us now! There is no such thing as a fixed gear apocalypse, just an ever deepening irony that extends on beyond human comprehension.

What is my qualification to say these things. Let's just say I don't pay for my Steeves Maple Syrup.

ce

cyclotourist said...

PEEN TUCK

Anonymous said...

男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚
外遇情人面前,他可以享受著年輕戀愛般的美好
在回歸家庭時刻,他可以享受著老婆對他無微不至的照顧
在同事朋友面前,他可以享受著眾人對他的忌妒與羨慕
男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚,他只想自私的擁有一切

Anonymous said...

It seems that Jesus has a wire-bead clincher as a halo in Budapest. Of course,we can understand that he doesn't need brakes to stop, but it's less clear why he needs to carry what appear to be several red tires over his shoulder as spares. Perhaps his mission is to save those poor souls with flats, as any Good Samaritan would, and these red spares are for those unfortunate, deflated sinners. I don't see a pump, though, so his flowing robes must contain a proliferate of CO2 cartridges, as modern day loaves & fishes. http://www.flickr.com/photos/falkowieblitz/4642407123/in/photostream/

bikesgonewild said...

...anybody know where i can get a bagel w/ a cream cheese smear at this time a' day ???...

...just askin'...

Ben said...

Sorry... what is the "multi tool" at 25 seconds into the bike assembly video?

Perhaps the barry white soundtrack had my mind going in the wrong direction.

Shu-Sin said...

i tuck my penis between my legs all the time... what's wrong with that! but i would NEVER ride in a critical mass... on someone's 'fixie'

leroy said...

Renting a bike to participate in a Critical Mass Ride was Gertrude Stein's advice for fish without bicycles.

The part about riding at the back and not speaking came later.

(Lantern rouge. I'll stop speaking now).

CommieCanuck said...

..if it ain't on yahoo news, i don't believe it happened...sounds like it was fabbed up by the globe & mail...

Actually, they arrested the first terrorist at the G20 Summit, he was caught with a cross bow, a stapler, and an axe (only the handle, not the actual sharp part). That's sooo Canadian.
All you Haters suck our balls, please. But only when you feel it's right to.

Anonymous said...

steve B is no messenger ... he is just old

Billy Oblivion said...

MarvinK said:

; I don't care about the bag..
; the Joy Division shirt is cool.

Dood. It's PINK. That's WRONG.

I am the G8 engine said...

"he was caught with a cross bow, a stapler, and an axe (only the handle, not the actual sharp part)."

Weapons of mass destruction? I wonder if the cross bow was made out of paper?

Stapler is not even a weapon at close range. "You will shoot your eye out?"

chan said...

wow! that was an inspired post. great stuff, from start to finish.

ejaz14357 said...

NYC IS THE MOST GOOD TV BLOG.

Anonymous said...

茜茜知道他有了外遇
他變得春風滿面,嘴裡總是哼著歌曲
他開始變得有耐心聽她說話、會買禮物給她、甚至帶她出遊
茜茜知道這是因為他對外遇有愧疚
她沒有揭穿丈夫的外遇,甚至享受這樣的生活
茜茜偷偷的跟姐妹滔說:感謝老公的外遇帶來更美好的夫妻生活!

Anonymous said...

"...your outdoor excursion or beach day becomes a stylized homage that is easily photographed for social networking."

Thank you Snob for finding the perfect words to describe most of the twentysomethings I know! Every experience is reduced to a Facebook entry, and participation only happens if it's deemed worthy as such.

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fixie bikes said...

cute sleeping bag.