Monday, May 17, 2010

The High Road: Of Missiles and Missionaries

There was once a time when following professional European road racing in the United States, once had to piece together an idea of what was happening through a combination of cycling-themed periodicals, spotty and infrequent mainstream media coverage, big, clunky, book-shaped objects known as "VHS tapes," and hearsay. This amalgam was akin to something you might pull out of a clogged bathtub drain--a fuzzy and ambiguous clump which, if you're really lucky, might contain the odd gem. Finding a particularly good Graham Watson photograph, for example, might be the equivalent of discovering a pearl earring that someone lost while showering.

Now, of course, we have ready access to races like the Giro d'Italia, about which I have been "blogging" for Universal's "Giro Insider" section. While watching yesterday's Giro stage, I mused to myself about this abundance of race coverage, as well as about Thomas Voeckler, who played a starring role in yesterday's breakaway and about whom I wrote in yesterday's blog. To be perfectly honest, I'm not a Thomas Voeckler fan. He's sort of the anti-Jens Voigt in that, while both undertake long and ultimately fruitless breakaways, Voigt seems to be enjoying himself whereas Voeckler rides with his shoulders hunched up and a look of disgust on his face--he always looks like he's plunging a particularly foul toilet. Or, to put it another way, Voigt seems like the kind of friendly neighbor who might happily come over and help you move a sofa, whereas Voeckler's like some put-upon dinner guest who gets impatient as you try to open the wine, grabs the bottle himself, gets way too aggressive with the corkscrew, and covers himself in Pinot Noir.

Indeed, so fruitful are these times for fans of professional road racing that, in addition to the Giro d'Italia, we also have the Tour of California--which, thanks to the fact that the Earth is round and spins in a predictable direction, follows the Giro after a polite interval. Yesterday's stage, of course, was won by Mark "The Man Missile" Cavendish, and this was no surprise. What was surprising, though, was the disembodied hand featured in this photograph of his bike:

If you're wondering what the hand is doing, it is picking stickers off the rim because Cavendish likes his wheels to be "all black:"
Most of us know by now that Cavendish can be cocky, but I was surprised (perhaps naively) to learn that he would go so far as to demand that his mechanic actually pick the stickers off his wheels because he doesn't like the way they look. Even more surprising is that some fan would want them afterwards, as if they were a pair of Rihanna's panties:

If I were in that mechanic's place and somebody approached me for the stickers, I'd simply turn the entire bike over to him and say, "You want 'em? You peel 'em." I'm sure the fan would happily oblige. In any case, Cavendish did win, and in the end I suppose that's what mattered. Unfortunately, though, we were deprived one of his wacky victory salutes:

"I was going to celebrate three wins this year [with a special salute], but I couldn't do it, so I just did a normal celebration," he said.

I'm not sure what prevented Cavendish from executing his three win-themed salute, though it could be that the extra arm he had planned to grow for the occasion failed to sprout. Presumably, after a long day in the saddle Cavendish returned to the hotel and took a hot shower--but only after making the sticker-peeling mechanic pick all the pubic hairs off the soap.

Certainly, if you're a cycling fan, this abundance of racing and race coverage is quite welcome--in fact, some might go so far as to call it a "godsend." And speaking of "God," Cyclelicio.us reports that Mormon missionaries are now riding "fixies:"

(All You Haters Sniff My Magic Underwear)

It would appear that, increasingly, fixed-gear bicycles are the vehicles of choice for "slaying" missionary work. This is hardly surprising, because once anything becomes becomes big enough somebody creates a Christian version, just like once a soft drink gets popular enough the manufacturers inevitably offer it in "diet." What is surprising, though, is that the Mormons are taking to fixed-gears. If anything, I would think the single gear ratio would be at odds with their polygamist lifestyle, and that they'd instead be drawn to derailleur drivetrains.

Clearly, though, the quasi-"rough and tumble," studiously disheveled, and now comically dated fixed-gear crews of the mid-aughts such as "MASHSF" are giving way to new crews who prefer to lay down "mad skidzzz" in the service of the Lord. We've already seen the "Burrito Project" (arguably the MASHSF of fixie missionaries), as well as the "fixionary" who went to Mexico because God told him to, and now it seems that wherever you look a new rider is turning to Christ:



Of course, the problem with being a righteous Christian fixed-gear warrior is that you've got to ride a filthy, impure steed--that is, until now. Yes, salvation is nigh, for a reader informs me that you can purchase a $250 fixed-gear from Christ Cycles:

This is the ideal bicycle to ride as you distribute burritos to the homeless, hand out huaraches to heathens, or simply pray earnestly and refrain from masturbation. "Through the love of Jesus Christ," explains the website, "this ministry has thrived and continues to offer the same low fixed prices for its bikes, regardless of production costs." In other words, it's like getting your fixie straight from the Holy Spirit (via Taiwan). We've seen Bikes Direct, but this is bikes directly from the Lord. You'll look great as you straddle your Christ:

(Christ Cycles owners listen with distaste as their bikeless and godless friend explains how to administer a "double handjob.")

According to their website, Christ Cycles is even the official fixie sponsor to a Christian metal band called The Chariot:



There is no music more intense, dorky, and anguished than that born of the eternal struggle not to touch one's own genitals or the genitals of others outside the union of holy heterosexual wedlock. I suspect this tension is at the heart of all the screaming and distorted guitars, and that the group is a few beers and a a single collective (and cathartic) wank away from becoming one of those new banjo-toting urban folk bands.

But the real danger of abstaining from sexual gratification, repressing one's natural urges, and living one's life in a religious context is that you can eventually find yourself losing all self-control. One day you're a chaste warrior riding your Christ, and the next day you're grabbing ass on the Williamsburg Bridge:



You grabbed my ass on the Willyb riding your bike - w4m
Date: 2010-05-16, 8:31AM EDT

Hey Jackass

You grabbed my ass as you rode past me on the williamsburg bridge Saturday night.

In case you didn't catch it when I passed you on Bedford:
Don't touch what you can't afford.

You owe me a mojito.

And get a fucking helmet!


I guess a mojito is the going rate for a quick feel.

124 comments:

Lucho said...

yay

le correcteur said...

First! At least podium!

landis in 06 said...

dont' grab my ass

Adam said...

yo!

le correcteur said...

Ouch! Lucho, have you been doping?

landis in 06 said...

dont' grab my ass

Lucho said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
landis in 06 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

tuffwheel iiz

Helmut hair said...

Darn it, I stopped to adjust my in in invisible helmut and got dropped..

hillbilly said...

howdy

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Missed the top ten again.

Fingerbang Assistant said...

Missed the top ten again.

debichan1a said...

i knew cavendish would be in the post today. lol.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Braden said...

First off his name is NOT Ed Edge... it's "Eugene's Brother". Get it right.

Anonymous said...

Non-Mormons assuming that Mormons are (and always have been) polygamists is just as outmoded as Mormons assuming that they all are (and always have been) republican.

CHECK YOU HISTORY! (Shout out to my above-the-law compatriots out there).

Astroluc said...

gives new meaning to the expression "Jesus Christ on a bike!"

ant1 said...

ant1st!

hoot79er said...

"double handjob"!!! I just snotted out a mouthfull of cornbread.
Oh, saints preserve us Snobby.

Johann S said...

I'm there!

mikeweb said...

grabasstic post today Snob!

Checking out the U.S. blog now...

waxmouth said...

Christ, "The Chariot" is so boring

Koba said...

DBL HANDJB

Tucker Doubt said...

It's been my experience that missionaries practice abstinence from bike maintenance as well. I wonder how long it takes to run one of those holy fixies into the ground.

ringcycles said...

If mormon missionaries spinning on deep v's is Not a sign of the fixed gear apocalypse, then I don't know what could be. Don't wait for a resurected Major Taylor to rain hell fire and boiling chain lube down on you, flee for the hills now!

Brendan said...

How appropriate: I tried to visit christcycles.com at work and this happens:
You have tried to access a web page which is in violation of your internet usage policy.

URL: www.edxedge.com/
Category: Pornography

To have the rating of this web page re-evaluated please click here.

Kovas Palubinskas said...

I guess we'll have to change it to W.W.J.R. - What Would Jesus Ride?

Ass grab said...

Ol Snobby is back!! Godless friends and double handjob, you're on fire!

Does anyone have a tip on how to clean potatoe chip and soda spittle from my keyboard??

Eeeewww said...

Sometimes those 'pear earrings' are also called 'shower babies'. I leave those alone. http://www.break.com/pictures/shower-semen384269.html

grog said...

love a good mojito:
GRAB AWAY

poole said...

Where in Williamsburg can one get a fucking helmet? And is it similar to a bike helmet, or some other kind?

Paul Bowen said...

So anyway; Shakespeare, Defoe, Smollett, Dickens, Dryden, Gibbon, Twain, Trollope, the King James Bible (27 times) and now Snobby (p38) all think 'from whence' is an acceptable construction. Well, you're all wrong lads, it's clearly a tautology.

ARSE GRAB

heath said...

top 40!

3G said...

,,,,,,,,,,

Anonymous said...

"Fixed, By Christ!" is a common expression in Minnesota

Anonymous said...

man missle

double handjob

helmetless assgrab

big love

nice

George Not Hincapie said...

Hilarious.
Does this stuff come to you in an epiphany, or do you build on it as you write?

Joe Smith said...

Blasphemy! Dad gummit, ye will repent yer godless ways when Moroni gets his claws in ye!

And those boys from chariot got their voice training from our fine choir godblessem, I think one of them is descended from my fourth wife.

Anonymous said...

THRD ARM!

frilly said...

I LOVE mojitos!

Anonymous said...

I went downtown to get my (epic) coffee and was confused by all the tents and barricades. There also was an inflatable podium stage, and many, many images of one Mr "Lance Armstrong". One of these I am reporting as being GIANT. His nose was the size of a standing regular man, or 13.45 babies/what have you.

Incredibly, there are apparently new cutting edge crabon fibre cycles that can actually propel you into the stratosphere, and they are on display in many tents.

Later, I will return to get an (epic) burroto, and assume things will be really Giro West.

Anonymous said...

rihanna's panties?!

kale said...

I got a copy of the book - I had to peel the cover off because it makes it look like I read faster.

Mongo Pusher said...

Rohregger !

Anonymous said...

@Paul Bowen
"from whence" clearly is a pleonasm, but that in/of itself doesn't 'rule' it out as an acceptable usage, especially not when sanctioned (as you note) by good writers. The redundancy likely emerged in late ME/EME in order to reinforce the adverbial meaning of 'whence' (der. <OE) consequent on the loss of marked case endings -- here, originally genitive [which case was not, in OE, restricted to 'possessive' in the way we think of it].

g said...

Is there a scale for body groping? I mean, a handful of ass is worth a Mojito, but what's it gonna cost to grab some tit? Just getting my summer budget ready for road trips.

yofilly said...

The question is, how much more black can Cavendish's wheel be? The answer is none. None more black.

Large Handed said...

"Non-Mormons assuming that Mormons are (and always have been) polygamists is just as outmoded as Mormons assuming that they all are (and always have been) republican."

Thanks for the lesson. So just to be clear, if polygamy is outmoded, why do all those Mormons keep doing it? And what's with the pervasive Republicanism?

Off to the Brooklyn Bridge with a gallon of mojitos!

Anonymous said...

Can someone turn the caption on the Mormon missionary photo in a sweet remix? "All You Haters Sniff My Magic Underwear" would be a huge hit out here in UT.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I like my women like Cavendish likes his wheels - all black.

Ben said...

My favorite part is that the models for the bikes are the sort of librarian looking hot chicks modeling the bikes for jesus.

g said...

Just 3 more questions:
Mormans can't ride in cars, but they can text on their cell phones?
and
Why is the Morman wearing a helmet on his ass and not his head? Is that the elusive "fucking helmet" mentioned later in the post?

theshepherdsdog said...

check you history

Anonymous said...

can'ttouchdis
pong-pong pong-pong waaaah waaaaah
can'ttouchdis
pong-pong pong-pong waaaah waaaaah

Brown Chicken, Brown Cow said...

Re: Fucking helmet
New York City has it covered

Anonymous said...

I am struck with the tension between "double handjob" and "don't touch what you can't afford."

frilly said...

g--not sure what the standard is, but for me personally it would be a couple of pints of Boulevard Wheat and two or three shots. One of which should probably be a jaegerbomb.

leroy said...

Well now I'm confused.

If you ride a fixie from Christ Cycles do you not need a "fucking helmet" because they're one of the safe sects?

flynn said...

I was definitely expecting to see the Rumble Fish line reused in this post. Way to resist.

g said...

Frilly,
noted and thanks.

Charles said...

Wow, really too much to comment on today Snob! Almost unfair.

Sorry, but cannot resist the temptation re Cavendish's wheels. To paraphrase,

Once you go all black, you.....

Juxtapose that with his being from the Isle of Man and my work here is done.

Charles said...

From the Christ Cycles website:

When people love their bike, they are more
likely to use it more often.


Really, their whole about us page is ...well... amazing.

Salty Seattle said...

kale-

I took the opposite approach. You can check out my take on the Non-Kindle-Therefore-Unofficial-Printing of Snobbie's book on my Moe Sizlack of a blog, if you'd like.

To those who've seen it before, and/or requested udpates, I thank you for your kind encouragement and patience. Please don't call the douche-cops on me; I'm only out on parole.

Snobbie-

You're awesome.

Braze-on Dropout said...

Freedom = Anarchy = Bicycle

http://whacksonville.com/2010/05/17/monday-morning-saddle-rash-14/

Anonymous said...

I'm Mormon. I love being made fun of just like I love a good hand-job. There are polygamists out there, but they aren't Mormons. Love the photo though, too bad the "magic underwear" doesn't magically prevent you from being stupid and getting hit by a car.

Anonymous said...

Can this bike be ridden the wrong way in the bike lanes?

http://bikeportland.org/2010/05/14/a-sunday-parkways-primer/

Paul Bowen said...

Anon@2.41: Yes, that's what I meant.

Blaiser said...

Ooh Ace -- this one was a doozy.

I'd write more, but I have to go "fix" the "lobster"

ye gawds.

Cysted Hipster said...

If someone gave me a double handjob would I have a pleonasm?

Anonymous said...

in places where hipsters come from mormons & christians are more than plentiful. and to the skank who told the guy who grabbed her ass to "get a helmet" - shut the fuck up stupid bitch.

Miss Muff said...

My men wear a fucking helmet, or they wear nothing at all.

fierce panties said...

hey rude boy can you get it up? hey rude boy are you big enough? (Rihanna, 2009)

and get a fucking helmet?

fierce panties said...

anon 5:12

Dad is that you? I haven't been called a skank since 7th grade.

and another thing, get a fucking helmet.

Anonymous said...

dear miss muff-- i choose to wear nothing at all. Thanks.

fierce panties said...

I like the instigated helmet debate because for some reason it evokes a strong reaction in people who other wise are impassive. I do wear a helmet because the last time I endo'd onto my head I heard the loudest sound of my life and that includes My Bloody Valentine in 1989. Afterwords, I crawled around on my hands and knees drooling and disoriented (more so after the endo.) So, it's personal preference.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!
My fucking helmet was custom made...with many fittings

David said...

All You Mormons See Me Wear Rihanna's panties!

brandonlannie said...

On a side note there is a difference between mormons and christians. Stuff like christ cycles and crappy hardcore is what gives Christians such a bad name.

Ryan said...

Hey, at least the missionaries are out riding every day! Probably more than we can say for half the people reading this blog!

-Married(To One Woman) Mormon Reader and Cyclist.

Anonymous said...

Out of curiosity I checked out the ChristCycle website. They had no specs for their bikes, only an order form and an expectation of being sent $300 (w/S&H) for a bike.

I emailed and politely asked for some basic info, and received a quick and fairly unpleasantly worded response that if I cared about things like the quality of parts on my bicycle I should check out something like Republic Bikes (???).

I responded to let them know all I really wanted was some basic info. At that point they got even ruder, but did let me know that the specs are basically the same as Republic Bikes. Also that ChristCycles offers free repairs (not mentioned on their site), but have never actually needed to give any repairs (also not mentioned on their site).

I guess if you want a bottom of the line, brightly colored single speed from unpleasant people, and the self-satisfaction that jesus is somehow involved, ChristCycles is the way to go.

jcssurf said...

If more Christians rode brake-less fixies then maybe darwinism would lead to their extinction sooner.

red neckerson said...

me and rikim we gots fucking helmets and we straps them on ever time we have a go at jolene

wered that bitch go off to i aint heard hide nor hair from her

maybe she dont like my ideal of forplay

like when i said wake up bitch im gonna git er done

Salty Seattle said...

Hey red-

Have you met the new girl on my team?

Miss Muff is on time, on the line; we're uh.. proud.. to have her on board.

Jefe said...

Salty, I did not realize commenting on blogs was a team sport. Will there be a team time trial? Do you have matching kits?

Fuckin Helmet said...

Be sure to wear that ass helmet when on da bridge

Anonymous said...

The only good thing about Christian girls is that they generally prefer anal sex because it doesn't require birth control.

Hinckley had a vision.

Salty Seattle said...

Jefe-

Neither did I, but I want to make sure everyone feels included.

Hugs!

I confess, think it might be a bit like one of those impromptu pacelines that occur during club rides. God knows--ChristCycles, please excuse the expression, I still suck blogtacular wheel, if I catch you runnin' slow enough. Other times, I just blogtacularly suck.

Anonymous said...

Bikesnob...you're a metal fan, right? If so, you must acknowledge in your next blog post something, anything, about the passing of metal god Ronald James Dio. This is

Like that hippie priest said...

Scallywags

P & S said...

Download hi-res ass grab photo
Dio mentioned in similarly unrelated material at similarly useless blog
SCARPONI!!!
- P & S

Marty D. said...

Dear Bikesnob,

Ed Edge is my friend in real life & he's been running his charity Christ Cycles for a few years.

I also know his 'godless friend' (who happens to work in Christian ministry, talk about irony). I used to tell all my friends about your blog, now I wish I hadn't...

P & S said...

The video feed from the Giro is slightly better than smoke signals and almost as clear as a telegraph - watch with a wallet in your mouth so you don't swallow your tongue. I used to tell all my friends about Ronnie James Dio, Hi-res author photographs, Scarponi, and Anton Szandor LaVey. Now I wish I needn't

Salty Seattle said...

For the record, I'm reading Snob's Giro Insider coverage, only after I write anything racey-related (not to be confused with just plain, racy). Sort of like eating one's vegetables before dessert.

If you haven't checked it out yet, pop over to Universal Sports to sample some more of Snob's deliciousness. Today's was even more so--and nutritious!-- than yesterday's.

Dio Devil Horns said...

The Moroni Missionaries are the worst bike salmon of all. Or worserer yet, sidewalk riders. It's like Joseph Smith's magic golden plates told them to ride there when translated from the original Egyptian.

sully said...

The idea of christians, moromons, and fixiedouches being like minded makes sense on all levels.They all blindly follow a rulebook without any notion of common sense, critical thinking skills, intellect or true individualist/ independant thinking.One interesting thing a former mormon told me was that mormons are thouroughly trained in depth on world religions so they can out debate you at your doorstep...and hopefully convert you.True.

cyclegoddess said...

Does this mean that if I get a triple put on my bike, I look like a ho?

At least now we know there is something that can stop the mormons - blown out knees.

cyclegoddess said...

Speaking of ficking helmets...
'many, many images of one Mr "Lance Armstrong". One of these I am reporting as being GIANT.'

I swear , when Lance makes me a honest woman, he can leave his helmet on if he wants!

stream of nothing said...

I tell you, The Isle of Man can be a very strange place :)

stream of nothing said...

I tell you, The Isle of Man can be a very strange place :)

Johan said...

Isn't that the "Manx Missile?"

ronan said...

I have always felt it is infinitely preferable to find a discarded pearl earring in the shower, than a pearl necklace that someone has tossed away.
And with that, I'll get my coat...

Helmut von Schnellfahrer said...

Is fucking helmet condom in english?

The Inquisition said...

That MASHSF link is GENIUS! Just look at their little legs go!
When will they just admit that fashion has made utter tits out of them? Poor little guys.

Anonymous said...

g - Could it be he's protecting a rabbit/other small mammal stuffed in his backpack?
I suspect he's combined the texting-while-biking with the helmet-attached-but-not-to-head look to prove his faith in the good Lord NOT to punish obvious stupidity.

Anonymous said...

I didn't say polygamy was outmoded (the millions of cheating spouses should know that); but the assumption that Mormons (or should I say only Mormons) are polygamists (whether contemporaneous or serial) is outmoded.

CHECK YOU DEFINITION OF MONOGAMY!

Anonymous said...

I rather enjoyed the missionaries position.

I can't believe it took 24 hours for someone to come up with that.

Paul Edmunds said...

Dear Mr Snob,

I have a picture you must see but cannot for the life of my Luddite self work out how to attach it here. Send instructions, please.

Secondly, I've been in your city for a month on a sojourn and I feel compelled to put you right on a number of matters. Most important of these is the fact that it is actually very easy and fairly safe to 'bike' in New York. Honest.

I think you guys have become like the frog in the pot of water who doesn't notice that the water is slowly heating up, as he becomes accustomed in his cold-blooded fashion to each incremental increase. No?

Cars in the bike lanes. Pfa! Look at the second part of that sentence. Shoaling at intersections? Ha! What, some gratuitous trackstanding by a hipster with withered Playstation generation legs?

Americans seem to drive enormous cars and this makes your lanes spacious. I have a hard time convincing NYers of this, but motorists here are actually pretty considerate - they stop for pedestrians and have frequently refrained from cutting me off. 'm not used to this.

I can't comment on bike salmon, except as a pedestrian and I'm still confused about which way to look when I cross the road so it's always chancey.

An experience of mine illustrates a curious cycling paradox: a couple of weeks ago I was headed down the Hudson River path when a light turned red for me and a cab was about to cross. I stopped. Fair enough. The hipster behind me didn't, or more likely couldn't, and rear-ended me. I landed on my knee, acquiring what I call my Manhattan Tattoo. And after all that the cab still waited for us. Odd.

I will concede though that even in my country with our crumbling infrastructure and corrupt administration, our road surfaces are in slightly better condition. Parts are pretty broken up here.

Paul

Anonymous said...

The legit Mormon church has been railing against polygamy since the 1890s. Maybe those missionaries are riding fixed to separate themselves from the plural geared, freewheeling fundamentalists.

frilly said...

Cyclegoddess--good grief, I hope not! I have a triple. Although I've never used the granny ring as I tend to be more of a masher.

Shu-Sin said...

when is happy hour on the willyB?

Larger Hand said...

Anon 10:35AM

"CHECK YOU DEFINITION OF MONOGAMY!"

Is that like "Get thee to a nunnery"? You need some possessive polygamy there I say. Mormon or less.

cyclegoddess said...

Frilly,
when you have teeny little legs like I do( too many years sick in bed ! Not lazy!!) - you need a triple just to get up the curb. But Im perfect weight for mountains:D

I'll leave the faith healing, and the single speeds to the Mormons.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
michael said...

No helmet-No problem....

Just carry a signed Organ Donor card.

Anonymous said...

Hey!
I'm one of the "Christian girls".. All the posts are hilarious! I would never buy one of his bikes. I don't ride bikes and I'm not even Christian! Just helping out a "friend" I suppose.. Anyways, hilarious!!

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Anonymous said...

It's stunning how similar this sounds to ignorant "Christians" standing on street corners spewing hate. So opposite and yet so similar.

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fixie bikes said...

badass missionary.