Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Bikes and Beatitudes: The Salmon on the Mount

(Cavendish's mechanic scratches "my balls," via Cycle Jerk)

It was with tremendous excitement yesterday evening that I prepared to watch the second stage of the Amgen Tour of California. First, I took the phone off the hook. (I have a lanyard on my cellular telephone so I can hang it on a hook, kind of like soap-on-a-rope, but it tends to dangle in front of the television so I always take it off the hook when I watch.) Then, I donned my California-style viewing costume--vintage Jams; adhesive topless sandals; and of course a snoutful of zinc oxide. Thusly attired, I next unwrapped the "epic" burrito I had had FedExed to me from a place in Los Angeles called "Campana del Taco." (All in, I paid $150 for the burrito. Sure, it was a bit cold and soggy by the time I received it, but my "burrito dealer" assures me it's just like the ones the real Latino gangsters eat.) Finally, I was ready, so I switched on the TV--only to find that the coverage had been rained out and the venerable Versus commentary team of Phil Liggett and Paul Sherwen had essentially been caught with their pants down by the weather:

(Phil and Paul in flagrante delicto, via Cycling Inquisition)

"Curses!," I exclaimed as I angrily hurled my novelty cocktail at the wall. The whole point of moving the Tour of California to May (at least as I understood it) was to take advantage of better weather and, ultimately, keep Lance Armstrong dry. (A dry Armstrong is a happy and marketable Armstrong.) So, the fact that it was raining on the second day struck me as being highly ironic. However, if I wanted to watch ironic bike racing I'd be watching the Single Speed World Championships and not the Tour of California. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got, and so to calm myself down I made another novelty cocktail and threw that one against the wall too. I mean, really--the least Liggett and Sherwen could have done was re-enact the race with finger puppets:

(All You Viewers Watch Our Puppet Show)

The cute one with the trunk is Levi Leipheimer, and the one you can't see lying on the floor with a broken collarbone is Thor Hushovd.

After my outburst, though, I found myself feeling guilty--and from feelings of guilt it's just a short trip to religion. "Is my anger due to the fact that I have a hole in my soul?," I asked myself. "And is this soul-hole in the shape of Jesus Christ?" Then, I looked down at my burrito, which I had torn apart in a fit of rage, and that's when I saw His face.

You would think that I would have had the presence of mind to actually take a picture of Jesus Christ appearing to me in a burrito, but alas I did not. I did, however, recently manage to take a picture of a person wearing a chrome helmet and riding a bicycle while accompanied by a small dog, so it will have to suffice:

Anyway, the picture's not really important, and those of you with true faith will surely not require a worldly photograph in order to believe in the power of the Lord to appear in Mexican food. As for the rest of you doubters, rest assured it looked pretty much like this:

(All You Doubters Nibble My Revelation)

Of course, I know what you're wondering, and the answer is, "Yes, I did eat the burrito, and yes, it was delicious."

Thus full of the Holy Spirit (which under different circumstances I might have mistaken for refried bean-induced flatulence) I thought back to yesterday's post and in particular to Christ Cycles. As it happens, one reader yesterday drew my attention to this Christ Cycles model, resplendent in short skirt, visible garters, and chest tattoo:

When you undergo a spiritual transformation as I have, the first thing that happens is that you lose all sense of irony. In fact, an inability to recognize irony is the very definition of a religious person. However, had the Lord not removed the scales from my eyes and had I still been dwelling in ignorance and darkness, I might have noted with amusement that the Christ Cycles photo gallery is almost indistinguishable from the fixed-gear-themed "softcore porn" site "TheFiXFiXFix:"

In the absence of actual nudity I defy anybody to find a difference. In fact, TheFiXFiXFiX even ventures into religious territory:

(In lieu of a Crown of Thorns, a Schmatta of Polka-Dots.)

She looks like a naughty lady Jesus, marching up Mount Calvary in order to sensuously crucify herself on a fixed-gear cross of trendiness. (Inasmuch as it is possible to crucify oneself, of course. As Neil from "The Young Ones" once sagaciously pointed out, the problem with crucifixion as a form of suicide is that "there's no way you can hammer in the last nail.") Really, though, the dirtiest thing about this photo is the drive-side "portage," which makes cyclocrossers act all mad but which secretly turns them on.

Alas, whither goest I, full of righteousness yet bereft of humor? To which "crew" might I indenture myself? Which master might I serve as a disciple? Perhaps I could be "down" with the "Nagoya Fixed Gear" Crew:



Ultimately, though, I decided they were not the crew for me. Even though they've clearly surrendered to fashion and consumerism:

They still haven't taken conformity "all the way" by surrendering to Jesus Christ.

By the way, it looks like the hot new trend in fixed-gear cycling is to ride with a floor pump:

As you may recall, the "Five Fearless Fixed-Gear Pilots" did the same thing:

(Riot helmet in lieu of brake allows rider to stop self with head.)

I guess when you spend lots of money on giant designer bags you need to come up with innovative ways to fill them.

Anyway, I would like to see the Nagoya Fixed Gear Crew embrace the Lord along with McDonald's, since fast religion and fast food go together like "tarck" bikes and Aerospokes. I'd also like the entire fixed-gear video-making world to agree on a universal soundtrack--and that should be Glenn Frey's "You Belong to the City," since the schmaltzy, contrived, faux grittiness of the song is much better suited to the urban cycling aesthetic and attitude. Just watch the Nagoya Fixed Gear Crew with the new score and I'm sure you'll agree.

In the meantime, I suppose I may need to look closer to home to find suitably righteous riding partners, and I may also have to look beyond the world of fixed-gear cycling. Indeed, I may need to "get down" with "Wheel Power." While some people believe they're saving the environment by riding a bicycle, the "Wheel Power" riders think they're actually saving souls:

Here they are receiving "mad props" from none other than Jerry Falwell:




Apparently, the riders of "Wheel Power" have traversed the United States multiple times without a major accident. "We give God the glory for protecting us," says founder Judy Bowman, putting an end to the so-called "hemet debate" once and for all. She also says that "we wear the bright neon to be that bold testimony," providing perhaps the first-ever scriptural basis for garish Fredly cycling vestements. She even claims to have "saved" the "Bush Man of Fisherman's Wharf" in San Francisco, whom I had never heard of but who is apparently something of a local celebrity:



I was edified to learn that a man who shakes a bush at tourists is making between $300 and $400 a night, drives a BMW, and has a child attending Stanford. This is what's great about America--a land in which, with God and assiduous shrubbery-shaking, anything is possible. It's also no surprise that Judy was attracted to the Bush Man, for of course the Bible speaks of a "burning bush." (Supposedly this was an actual burning bush and not a metaphor for the itching and discomfort of pubic lice.) Really, given all this it's not hard to see how religions get started. First some lady tells a bunch of people how she rides a bicycle around and harasses people waiting on line at Walmart and how she converted some guy who sits in a hedge all day, and a thousand years from now people are worshipping the Bush Man of Fisherman's Wharf and that Naked Cowboy guy in Times Square as prophets and killing each other for not wearing Primal jerseys.

Just thinking about it makes my bush hurt.

99 comments:

Astroluc said...

win?

Nogocyclist said...

Top 10

mander said...

top 100

David Dawson said...

podium?

mikeweb said...

Praise the Lobster!!!

dignan said...

top 10

jj said...

;)

Astroluc said...

All You Doubters Nibble My Revelation

Anonymous said...

BILLY

singlespeedspinning said...

oh yeah

Bad Lawyer said...

top 100

Bad Lawyer said...

Oh, and Happy Shavuot!

le correcteur said...

Top 20; now to go read!

Bike Fool said...

top 15!! Yeah!!!!!!!

Bike Fool said...

I said Top 15!!! Yeah!!!

Anonymous said...

BIKE FOOL

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

g said...

Snob,
Did you have dinner with Bill Maher recently, by any chance?
Just curious.

gregoryyy said...

Whoo.The amount of Sexx on the blog is increasing.And no, I am not talking about Phil and Paul's session.(My designer bag holds quite a few VHS tapes if you follow me).

Thanks for NOT showing the inked-up Porn Star a few spots down on the Fixfixfix thing.

fierce panties said...

top 20

le correcteur said...

BTW, BS, given what you say about the founding of religion, you should read "A Canticle for Leibowitz" though you probably have already.

It's amazing the transformations a Los Alamos techie's deli shopping list can go through after a nuclear apocalypse!

--le correcteur

tgs said...

I'm glad that helmet debate is cleared up. As an atheist, I therefore must always wear a helmet.

It also explains that Mormon from yesterday who can ride through traffic while playing with his phone sans helmet without any worries.

fierce panties said...

@BL & mander
nice top 100

fierce panties said...

top 100!

Anonymous said...

wow. after reading about "down unders" for a minute there I was so put off and filled with mild disgust I forgot I was reading bikesnob for a moment.. I thought "what am I looking at?? how did I get here??". those things are gross. blech. I don't like crocs either, when I see whole families wearing them I run the other way.. I know they can't catch me as I'd imagine you can't run in those things and the average crocs wearer weighs 200 lbs per 5 years until they topple out at 25 yrs old and 1000 lbs.

John Sutcliffe said...

Trying to work out if the Wheel Power 'Christians' are from Luxembourg, the Netherlands, or maybe the Russian Federation based on that flag on their jersey. Nice of them to visit the US and share their 'Good News' with us!

yikesbikes said...

This is great...

Snobby, why don't you like Forrest Gump?

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Hans said...

Wait, wasn't the conventional wisdom that Lance liked it in the rain, after Oslo and all?

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40418000/jpg/_40418279_roadrace203_270.jpg

Stupid Name said...

Dark, very dark. I bet when Jesus comes back he will be pissed at you for mocking the fake christians. I however snorted my coffee.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's a short skirt with visible garters but she looks like Jan Ullrich for Lob's sake.

As for the rest of your post...
B...Bh...BLASPHEMY!

T. E. B. H. said...

I ride regularly with that girl from TheFixFixFix. Hometown pride? ._.

leroy said...

Yeesh, not even close to the podium. I must be slow due to last night's adventure in commuting.

I was 20 feet behind a BMW when it got T-boned and spun into a light pole by an Access-A-Ride van.

It looked like the BMW was more at fault.

I just thanked the Lord for my brakes.

If I'd been riding a Christ Cycle, I could have been converted to a pile of dog food that wouldn't even interest my dog.

On the other hand, my dog has been grumbling about getting even with me for making him ride fixed.

I didn't realize he meant his gear and not his bike's.

Note to self: don't lend dog car keys.

ervgopwr said...

tarck racing tonight at the veldromeway!

Cycling as religion; many attend, few understand.

But i'm agnostic, lob probably doesn't care eitherway what I think. A-meh-n.

CommieCanuck said...

Whoa , check out that scan of the Wheel Power Team, the lady in front is easily 180lbs of fun. "We ride across this great country, wheezing through people's yards and demonstrating the latest in erection-killer suburban mom haircuts and flabby white asses, ...praise Jebus!" Frankly, it's a bona fide miracle that these people made it to the end of the block. Praise lobster.

Falwell says he can't imagine driving across the country, oh come on Jerry, sure you imagine it, ...all those rest stops, ...the coded taps with your shoe to the stall next door, ...praise Jebus.

hillbilly said...

did not the faux breaststroke at the Giro warrant a mention?

Jefe said...

BSNYC, at least you get to watch the Giro. We poor souls, limited to cable, got to see Tour of Californication go to black. I will never again curse the French for their antiquated video feeds.

Anonymous said...

Commie, you're such a commie. But at least you're not a America hating American. The fact that you're an America hating Canadian Commie makes it so much nicer, really. By the way I like the Canadiens in the Stanley Cup. See I don't hate Canadiens. Maybe Canadians though. I kid. Eh.

Surly Bastard

ringcycles said...

Hate to admit it, but you are correct Snob; as cyclocross racer gleefully wag my tongue while scrubbing the chain grease off the rear end of the fixie model. Where is my conical cleaning brush?

Matt said...

So, in the Wheel Power photo, how do they choose who has to stand behind the logo? Are those the sinners? Converts? People with Doubts?

CommieCanuck said...

The fact that you're an America hating Canadian Commie makes it so much nicer, really.

What exactly in that comment was hating America? Are you implying that the entire US population is made up of flabby Christian Fundamentalists?

We have these people up here, they're just as big, just as stupid. Even our flabby pasty Prime minister is a born-again Christian.

thegock said...

PUBC LICE

Vyvyan Basterd said...

Awesome 80s ref!

NEIL PYE!

wishiwasmerckx said...

I liked the image of Darth Vader on the tortilla. That was supposed to be Darth Vader, right?

Anonymous said...

You refer to people "standing on line at Walmart". Is that a typo, or do you really talk like that? Just curious.

Anonymous said...

A blazing post today. have you hit the WW a day early? sometimes you go off on these riffs, usually around the subject of religion, which stand way out from your already funny regular work. I can only attribute it to the influence of drugs. Watching the nagano fixed crew rip it up (translation: doing the same three tricks over and over again) to glenn fry made me giddy.

Jefe said...

Anonymous 1:55,

BSNYC is a Nu Yawka. Therefore, he substitutes the word "on" for "in." Residents of Gotham stand on line. Lawyers are on trial. Regular coffee includes both milk and sugar. Bring your Lonely Planet guide when you visit.

Daddo said...

Macadam!

fierce panties said...

Who the hell would de-logo their All You Hater Suck My Balls stickers?

That's plain sack-religious...

top 100!

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post, thank you.

Anonymous said...

"She looks like a naughty lady Jesus"

Snob, this line alone is going to get you in more trouble than any comment on bike culture, Freds, snobery or stolen handmade bikes ever will.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but I can only see Kenney from South Park on that tortilla.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but I can only see Kenney from South Park on that tortilla.

yogisurf said...

Great post. The Fixies for Jesus should use large crucifix for handlebars. Only 5 more hours till I don my Garish Fred Vestments and ride home.

Salty Seattle said...

Ahh...

I feel much better.

It turns out there are benefits to being soulless.

1) No Soul Holes to fill. Only the fleshy-sinful kind.

2) Glenn Frey.

CommieCanuck said...

Whatever that image on the tortilla is, just don't say it's the prophet Mohammad. Infidel.

Salty Seattle said...

Happy 30th Anniversary to Mount Saint Helens for spectacularly blowing your top.

Also, the 30th anniversary of Ian Curtis, doing the same.



Speaking of beatification, what's the process for canonizing Mr. Curtis? It's time.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that before the wheel power lady got around to talking about how she saved the bushman, she was able to get in a plug for Wal-mart. Product placement is everything.

Andre Felipe said...

why are all those videos cropped in the right side?

fierce panties said...

Can you imagine the angst of the lady jesus' boyfriend? He is seeing the garter belts but never touching the garter belts. Talk about fierce panties...

Slice Harvester said...

If I may be so bold, I'd like to suggest a possible alternative to Glenn Frey for the universal soundtrack of fixie films. Are you familiar with Abba's apocalyptic anthem, Tiger?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wWQ7wrPyUe0

Anonymous said...

"assiduous" shrubbery-shaking? I think you mean "deciduous".

Ahthanku.

Anonymous said...

oh, and top 63!

hillbilly said...

+1 to what Salty said.....re: Ian and Mt.

Suzee said...

the 'cross porn portage comment goes straight into the hall of fame but I need a screenwipe...some of best friends are of the crossway.

red neckerson said...

rikim dont give a shit if you pick on them peckerwoods but hes sayin dont fuck with mooslims or hell cut a fartwa on you

he knows you aint got the guts anyways

peckerwoods is easy targets

it aint like there going to cut your head off or something

Concerned 2.0 said...

Where is Hincapie? Has he even gone over the line yet? Guess you New Yorkers just cant handle the anything over a 5% grade. Leave it to Canadians to lead the pack for most of the way. Ryder in 6th!

Anonymous said...

I was never attracted to Christianity because I am not interested in little boys. But this new garter-clad women development has me rethinking my beliefs.

Jefe said...

Is anyone else bent out of shape over today's Versus coverage of the Tour of California? With a few kilometers to go they broke away to the Stanley Cup pregame. There was no actual hockey played until well after the leaders crossed the finish, but we did not get to see it. Liggett and Sherwen did their best job of trying to reassure the viewers they could just go to the Amgen website. Good luck with that. I could barely get the homepage to load, what with all the browsers hitting it at the same time. I can't remember such poor sports programming since the Jets-Raiders "Heidi" game.

yyz113 said...

@ Anonymous said...

point being little boys clad in garter belts?

David said...

True story: I went to school at MTSU, otherwise known as Middle Tennessee State Univeristy in Murfreesboro--otherwise known as the buckle on the Bible Belt. Having escaped back to Kentucky, I can say that the 'Boro makes Kentucky look like the bastion of tolerance and enlightenment it is most definitely not. Anyhow, I recognize the streets in the fixie pics you linked to, but when I was there, I did not see such sights (or I would probably still be there). To do business in that religion-besotted neck of the woods, you probably have to have a religious veneer to it--even the condoms from machines in the gas station restrooms come with Bible verses (Song of Solomon) printed on the pack. BUT--the best part of the true story concerns the new wallpaper in the courthouse (which I believe is the building the girl is posed in front of). In the 90s some of the new wallpaper had some very innocent, very cartoonish bare-breasted girls printed on it, so the hue and cry of the religious nuts forced the retouching of said wallpaper to cover the breasts. I kid you not. Thus the necessity to Christianize any sexy bike business for Southern consumption. . . .
So now my only question about fixies is . . . does the girl come with the bike? Cuz I might be about to experience a religious conversion (pun intended). P.S.--here's the link for the courthouse breast story, or Google murfreesboro courthouse wallpaper: http://news.google.com/newspapers?nid=1842&dat=19971206&id=mFEeAAAAIBAJ&sjid=UccEAAAAIBAJ&pg=2455,753869

Miss Muff said...

Who the fuck do those Christians think they are, Woody Allen?

He's a comic genius, you know. He's also Jewish.

My panties get wet just thinking about him. I wish he'd adopt me.

Of he did, would I still be a shiksa?

When it's over it's over, drink up. said...

who would jesus BOMB http://www.ridedirt.com/

Elmer Gantry said...

Last week I visited the Chicago Museum of Contempory Art. I learned that modern art consists of some self-absorbed asshole depicting a naked woman in such a way that not only would you be daft to grow some wood but you woud poke you eyes out with a fucking screwdriver if you did.

What the fuck. They're smarter than me.

Anonymous said...

Jams!!!!!!! Awesome.

Matthew said...

I was sooooo hoping to see this when I hit the zinc oxide link: http://tinyurl.com/7phfpv

big fish said...

"kevin fart myers."

true id said...

Hot Carl, LaFong

prolly said...

"I know him pretty well and he's a solid dude and has been riding bikes for a long, long time for whatever thats worth."

Anonymous said...

Have you forsaken the Lobster?

Or foreskinned the Lobster?

Dr. Feel Good said...

Riffing on religion AND a Young One's reference?! That makes this the best post ever.

Crankee said...

Thanks for the "Nagoya" Shout out! I was at the Cirlces Bike shop the day those guys were sitting around watching some bike videos. I wasn't aware they were making an Epic Fixed Gear Music Video.

cyclegoddess said...

I do it all the time in the rain, thinking of Lance!

cyclegoddess said...

Does the girl come with the bike?
How could she?

Its not a orbea onix!

cyclegoddess said...

I cant watch all of that jebus bike video.It hurts me.Where are that lady's lips?! What are those XXXL women in the front row eating on those rides? Lard? Jesus!!( thank god I'm a atheist!)

And those jerseys and red runners. They look like they might cook up a nice nightcap of recovery fuel,b apple sauce and downers. (Pass me that purple cloth will you?)

Snobby, that outfit you described - jams, flip flpos and zinc - are you sure your not a Aussie?I believe thats our national dress.

itchybro said...

If the jeebus fixies can't get juice from a higher power, perhaps they can use
THIS
.

Anonymous said...

That's Optimus Prime on the tortilla. not "movie" Prime but 1984 G1 Prime.

Anonymous said...

Since you're a Jew, Eben, it might be best to keep religion out of your posts. Do not mock Jesus and Christianity. It may not work out for you if you crash on your bike and have 10 seconds to live...and don't.

leroy said...

Dear Anon 9:20 --

Shucks, it's a little short-sighted of you to presume that an omniscient and omnipotent diety would lack a sense of humor.

And it's a little presumptuous to assume he would want you making threats on his behalf.

Since you're a little addled, Anon 9:20, it might be best to keep religion out of your comments.

Imagine arriving at the Pearly Gates and being told y'all ain't on the list because a lack of a sense of humor caused you to mistakenly regard bigotry as faith. Right about then, you'd surely welcome a heavenly guffaw of "Naw, I'm just messing with ya. You cleaned up your act after making a fool of yourself."

Anonymous said...

itchybro-- i like it. i particularly like this excerpt:

I’m mainly designing for local alternate transportation and for average people - people who simply don’t have the power capabilities and need a little help. They would include smaller people, women, and us older folks.

That's right ladies, you are just as weak as "smaller people" and "older folks."

CommieCanuck said...

Since you're a Jew, Eben, it might be best to keep religion out of your posts. Do not mock Jesus and Christianity.

Judaism is not a religion? Or is it the wrong religion? Let me guess, Christianity is the right religion.

Someone needs to say it, Christians are creepy.

PCLA said...

I agree that "You Belong to the City" would be perfect for the Jared Leto x Midnite Ridahzz collabo video, replacing 30 Seconds to Mars' sh!tty song.

I suck at multimedia, so can someone please make a "These Fools Be Swervin'" fakenger weaving in traffic Tubedub?

sully said...

Anonymous says Do not mock Jesus and Christianity. It may not work out for you if you crash on your bike and have 10 seconds to live...and don't". Yeah bikesnob christ wont save you because you didnt follow him and his teachings.That sounds like a pretty shallow guy.He'll only help you if you follow him.Gee what was i thinking being an agnostic? I think ill turn to christianity because i dont like wearing helmets and if i have an accident Jesus will either give me a pass to forgiveness or let me survive the accident without brain damage.You got me sold.Praise the LORD! Im invincible on the bike and impervious to drunk drivers and texters while driving.What a deal!

cyclegoddess said...

Hey Anon, you forgot - Jews GAVE us Jesus!! If anyone can make funnys on that, oy vey! it should be Jews :D Lighten the hell up. Your making rest of the Christ people look bad.

Also, are you aware that projecting your Shadow self, as defined by Jung - means you tend to see what you most hate in yourself - defined by others?

Plus.. The Great Star Goddess Nuit and her Consort Hadits divine Union is no way un-enhanced by joking. Cosmic love has no room for little mammialian territorial issues.
Ride it off...peace

jessiwade said...

NATALIE HAHAHA
that's my best friend whose pictures you sampled from fixfixfix

she CAN actually ride that bike, and do a pretty sweet barspin

you gotta admit, she cute!

ejaz14357 said...

The amount of Sexx on the blog is increasing.And no, I am not talking about Phil and Paul's session.

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fixie bikes said...

bikes need their own beatitudes.