Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Code of Living: Choose Your Faithway

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned a reluctant driver forced to ignite gasoline in order to haul over 3,000 pounds of floor tile, some readers questioned whether the tile was responsibly sourced--or if indeed the floor needed to be re-tiled in the first place. Well, you can rest assured that everything was kosher (or "smug," which is the "green" equivalent of "kosher.") In response to a comment on the Streetsblog post, the thoughtful livable streets advocate and flooring enthusiast had this to say:


InDaDrops: The ceramic tiles were made in an energy-efficient factory that uses is able to use low-temperature process due to the tile being made with over 55% recycled glass. There factory is located only about 2 miles from the church basement where the floor was to be installed, to support a computer hardware recycling program. So, there were not additional trips for the tile to make to go first to a distributor and then to a retail store. The factory also features a parking lot made of crushed, discarded tile instead of using asphalt.

When you say “leave the floor the way it was”, that was not viable. The previous condition included moldy carpet laid over old vinyl tile which itself stank, was falling apart and covered in carpet adhesive. Underneath the vinyl tile was an old asphalt-based adhesive that was itself difficult to remove, although some mortars could be used to put a new floor over top it.

I also used a bike to haul away some the old floor waste to the landfill, including one load with a total weight of 540 lbs:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/markstos/4590857686/


In other words, "Take that!" Energy-efficient factory? Recycled glass? Church basement?!? Clearly, you'd have to wake up pretty early in the morning to catch this guy not being environmentally sound--and even then, he'd probably lambaste you for not waking up on an environmental mattress or underneath an eco-friendly duvet cover. King Midas famously turned everything he touched into gold, wheras Mark Stosberg is sort of the anti-Midas, only touching things made from recycled refuse. He is not merely "green;" he is an über-green laser beam that strikes at the hearts of wasteful consumers like a lightsaber of self-righteousness. Plus, he does it all aboard a recumbent:

Before you judge, know that his recumbent is made from over 65% recycled helmet mirrors and SPD sandals, and that the remainder is made from eco-friendly resin-impregnated woven beard hair.

As for the rest of us who occasionally find ourselves murdering the Earth by riding grossly inefficient upright bicycles or by relieving ourselves at the Starbucks restroom because we cannot "hold it in" long enough to find a public composting toilet, we would do well to heed Mr. Stosberg's example. It's simply not enough to be "green;" you've got to be extremely green. Fortunately, you can now give your "greenness" a significant boost in horsepower, thanks to the engineers at Extreme Green Cycling:

I am very wary of any company whose actual motto is "We recommend you wear a helmet!" It's only slightly better than saying, "Dude, you are so fucked." This is like Pepsi saying, "Goes great with insulin!," or Jimmy Dean sausages using the slogan, "We recommend an angioplasty!" Secondly, if anything, Extreme Green Cycling is more of an "un-greening" service, since the bicycle was significantly greener before it had a gasoline-and-oil-burning two-stroke motor bolted to it. Apparently, this 70cc motor gets 100mpg and will do 30mph, which is mildly impressive until you consider that a 49cc Honda scooter gets the same mileage, goes faster, uses a four-stroke, and actually comes with safety features such as lights. Sure, it's more expensive, but it quickly pays for itself when you find that Cat. 4 roadies will actually pay you to "motorpace" them so they can "train" for the local training race. ("Training to train" is the very essence of amateur competitive cycling.) I'm guessing the company's helmet motto comes into play when you hit 45mph on a downhill and try to stop your 60lb leafblower with the "front linear pull brake and rear coaster brake."

Still, motorized bicycles do have considerable "curb appeal," as evidenced by this video:



A gasoline power-assisted bicycle means never having to quit smoking.

Of course, if you still want a motorcycle-esque bicycle but don't want to be an affront to the Earth by burning fossil fuels, you can always bolt a motorcycle front end to your mountain bike, as spotted by a reader in Philadelphia:

Now as ever, the poor unfortunate mountain bike remains the Rhesus monkey of bicycles. Who will stop the vivisection?

Meanwhile, like mountain bike molestation, the Giro d'Italia continues unabated (as does my Universal Sports Giro d'Italia webular blog). As you may recall, the Giro started in Amsterdam this year, and it so happens that regurgitator of popular culture Mike Giant was there too. Moreover, he continued to push the boundaries of art and creativity by writing a bunch of cycling-related words really big on a wall:

Mike Giant @ Mediamatic Timelapse from CFYE .com on Vimeo.

Aesthetically, this is pretty much exactly what teenagers have been doing on their desks and notebooks during math class for decades. In terms of content, it's the creative equivalent of the gratuitous keywords you find in Craigslist postings and eBay auctions. I suppose all this makes sense in the context of "bike culture," whose members seem determined to equip it with a great big "Buy It Now" button.

Still, it should come as some comfort that cyclists are now part of a coveted marketing demographic, for now more than ever being part of a marketing demographic means you matter. Not only is this demographic coveted by companies as diverse as bicycle manufacturers, streetwear companies, and banks, but it is also coveted by an industry that is (at least ostensibly) totally against coveting--and this industry is religion. Not only have we seen the advent of "fixionaries" (both Mormon and non-Mormon), but when I visited Portland I also visited a "bike chapel." Now, a reader informs me that another church in Woodside, CA is also welcoming cyclists:


See? It says so right on the sign, cleverly designed to "synergize" with the Tour of California:

This is an encouraging indicator that cyclists may be beating homosexuals in the race to legitimacy in the eyes of "God," though if you're a homosexual cyclist I'm not sure which trumps which in terms of your being "welcome." (Please check with your denomination of preference or local house of worship as to their individual policy on your worth and validity as a human being.) Still, it's clear that religious marketeers need to streamline their "pitch" if they really want to appeal to cyclists. They need to tap the awesome marketing power of crabon, and replace promises of eternal salvation with claims of lateral stiffness and vertical compliance. "This year's God is 2.5% lighter and 7.8% stiffer than last year's model." Most importantly, the Judeo-Christian sects really should move quickly to add an 11th commandment, since the Commandments have been 10-speed since like forever.

Of course,the Jews are the fixed-gear riders of the religious world in that Jesus has about as much appeal to them as a derailleur has to a "fixter." Furthermore, despite the whole "Hipsters vs. Hasidim" conflict it appears that even the ultra-Orthodox have begun to adopt "messenger chic." Moreover, it's proving to be quite a turn-on to the ladies:

Absolute badass frum hotties - m4w - 25 (Norstrand and Fulton St.)
Date: 2010-05-26, 8:18AM EDT

3 of you on sunday evening. Atleast one of you whistled at the frum guy on the bike with his messanger bag, remember?. I'm sure to hand me your digits (assumed from the way you guys were staring at me). Sorry, I couldnt stop my bike. Besides being chased by angry cabbies, I was rushing to catch minche among other things.

Please whistle again. We need to talk about those short skirts and exposed sexy legs you ladies featered. What an utter shande (of me, not to embrace them)!

Put in the subject line. Todah!


While I get the gist of the post, much of it is indecipherable, and I can only assume he is using some sort of code. I wonder if his bicycle had aerobars with payos, like this example spotted by a reader:

(All You Haters Unfurl My Aero-Payos)

Sometimes the speeds afforded by aerobars can actually shred your bar tape, which I'm sure is the case here.

Meawhile, in the secular world of hipsterdom, people do not identify the like-minded by curly earlocks, secret codewords, or magical undergarments. Instead, they use tattoos:


tattooed eating an apple - w4m - 27 (Grand St Williamsburg)
Date: 2010-05-25, 5:21PM EDT

Yeah right, shot in the dark-
but I saw you about an hour ago walking down grand eating an apple (?) Like 3pm?
I almost stopped you because I thought you were my ex, but when i got closer i realized your tattoos were different. Awesome you're not my ex, sweet that you're just as hot.
I was on my bike and riding back to work, so I couldn't stop but I wish I had the nerve to holla.
You were wearing shorts and a Tshirt a fitted and had sunglasses on. You're tattooed up to your jawline and had less tattoos on your legs than arms. short dark hair.
If I don't get a response from every dude in wb i'll be shocked. But you're definitely way hotter than the rest.
-c


The fact that the poster was only able to tell this person apart from her "ex" by his tattoos indicates that we have reached a new level of superficiality in which our individuality truly is only skin deep. Indeed, people are essentially now just dating tattoos. The real danger, though, is that even the tattoos are becoming indistinguishable, and now pretty much the only way to tell people apart in Brooklyn is by actually reading their knuckle tattoos. (They are basically now just "hipster" serial numbers.)

Thank goodness for genital piercings--they may be the last "hipster" defense against inadvertent infidelity.

127 comments:

Matt said...

Cali, brah.

João Faustino said...

the lone wolf is my dad...

ant1 said...

ant1st!

João Faustino said...

haha JK jk jk LOL LOL LMFAO STFU
bwahaha
3rd

xyxax said...

I just had my bike tiled. What an improvement!

Shu-Sin said...

top ten!

mike poole said...

top 10

bikesgonewild said...

...dammit !!!...

Anonymous said...

get a life ppl, seriously.







TOP TEN gllalaahaaaaaaaaaah.

boys on the hoods said...

Crap. Missed the sprint

Anonymous said...

balls! eleventh

ant1 said...

i am sorry to announce my retirement from this week's podium stage race. the best of luck to all of you thursday and friday.

Matt said...

alternatively,
CALI BRAH

mikeweb said...

ant1, that's what you get for going too soon.

rural 14 said...

ant 2nd!

debichan1a said...

pre mature snobulation

Jorgé Curiouso. said...

I have balls on which the motorized bicycle companies can suck.

thegock said...

MGLI ROSA

Tony I said...

"a 49cc Honda scooter gets the same mileage, goes faster, uses a four-stroke, and actually comes with safety features such as lights."

Right on, Snobby AND you need a motorcycle license for anything over 50cc.

SD friend said...

one thing the motorized bike has over a honda scooter is that you can pedal it like a real bicycle, albeit a heavy one, if it runs out of gas.

Anonymous said...

SRIA LNMR

grog said...

WAAY HOTT

Anonymous said...

But you can ride a cool motorized bike with a lit cigarette in your mouth and the kickstand down.

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

Shukri Sindi said...

RMTS: i am going to say something that (i think) wasn't said yesterday about the über-green mathematician: while it's fun to poke fun at his method, i think he should be given the credit of trying, albeit in a geeky fashion, to be creative in how he approaches his projects "while a well in the Gulf of Mexico hemorrhages oil and blankets us all in the sludge of our own indifference and self-absorption". hopefully he's not ordering his trailers from the capital of smugdom (the european one i mean). i've also never seen a recumbent hauling a trailer... now that, that's just wrong.

RB1 said...

crabon credit

there. i said it.

g said...

House being fumigated for ants and had to, literally, phone this one in.
Oh well. Maybe I need a better phone.

ant1 said...

g - you're gonna have to do a little better than fumigating to get rid of me.

PawnShop said...

"2.5% lighter and 7.8% stiffer" just ain't gonna sell churchiness for very long - it's not specific enough. Various sects will need to come up with their own feature/benefit combinations.

Catholic: "2.5% lighter and 7.8% fewer child-molester-priests than last year's model - and rigid beyond belief."

Unitarian: "3.8% lighter, and waaayyy more vertically compliant than other churches."

Pastafarian: "2.5% lighter, and Touched by His Noodly Appendage."

Athiest: "There is no Crabon."

LOBS AVES

Yokota Fritz said...

That church in Woodside is on one of the more popular hillside road cycling routes in the San Francisco Bay Area, but Woodside residents are notorious for their animosity towards cyclists. For them to open their doors to cyclists like this sets them apart from many of their neighbors.

Astroluc said...

Touched by the buttery claw of LOBGOD

incessant inadvertent infidelity

OBA said...

FRUM HOTT

hillbilly said...

Mellow Yanni's

ervgopwr said...

If I wasn't going to chinese buffet lunch, I might have splattered the screen with the 10 commandments needing to make the move to 11.

Thou shalt not put anything in my flower box.

ervgopwr said...

That 11th commandment sure is strict: Thou shalt not put anything in my flower box.

Effin' religion, taking all the fun out of fundamentalism.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I don't live in williamsburg, i would never get laid without the requisite neck tattoos.

smug-life

yofilly said...

"Dude, you are so fucked." I spit my lunch onto my keyboard.

An excellent post today, Snobby.

I saw 3 recumbent bikes while on my ride today. All riders were bearded. For reals.

ant1 said...

or Thou, haters, shall suck my balls.

Anonymous said...

Interested in the army fellows hat in your Giro d'Italia webular blog photo. Very erect!

ervgopwr said...

Ant1,

Thought about going there; but left it out like an alley-opp waiting for dunking(way).

Anonymous said...

Wow that last MC was phenomenal hahahahaa

ant1 said...

erv - good leadout then.

wishiwasmerckx said...

On one of my first early-season training climbs a few months ago, I was passed by some fat fuck and his fat fuck son, both in jeans and sneakers, both on hybrid bikes with gasoline motors, and neither even pretending to peddle.

Talk about demoralizing! Out of shape and carrying winter weight, I was already suffering like a dog. I had to suck on their exhuash fumes, and the noise shattered the morning tranquility.

They may as well have been smoking cigarettes while eating twinkies.

There ought to be a law.

Anonymous said...

I belong to the Church of the Spinning Spoke.

InDaDrops said...

Snob, you've just GOT to comment on this one (found today on Bike Blog NYC): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_l9NwvfZaW4&sns=em

i think we just witnessed the official death of hipster fixed gear culture. what's next.....a reality show called "so you think you can trackstand?"

intoxicatedman said...

*sigh of relief* Thank Lob those tiles were eco-friendly. With that out of the way, now I can sleep soundly.

"minche"? What the hell? Wondering if Minche is the kosher equivalent of "Miche"... I really like my Miche rear hub with the quick-change sprocket carrier thingy y'know.

Good call on those Craigslist missed encounters posts. They are the Menorah that lights up my life. That, and alcohol.

ringcycles said...

BSNYC: I was right about this being "Fred Dream Bike" week. I just failed to realize that yesterdays Michael Ball-ified Chrome Hearts Cervelo was the uber-Fred dream bike.

Today you give us a recumbent cargo bike capable of hauling record breaking loads! I'll bet my Birkenstocks that eco-Freds are sweating in their hemp shorts wondering if they can pull that kind of weight in their own trailers. You should know, however, that beard trimmings not recycled into bikes, they are spun into yarn for eco-Fred extreme green wool jerseys & socks.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bad Lawyer said...

I like to think of this blog as the Zohar of cycling, constantly decoding the cryptic world of cycling.
BL

leroy said...

The Craigslist epistle from Mr. Absolute badass demonstrates that tattoos and genital piercings cannot impress folks whose religion invented the Bris.

Scarred for life? Been there, done that.

BSNYC -- you've posted about a cyclist congratulating himself about a renovation, but don't we all owe you congratulations on an addition? If so, congratulations!

ringcycles said...

I thought inadvertant infidelity was the greatest benefit of hipster-dom? Why else would you drink all that PBR?

Anonymous said...

Stosberg -

MOLD KLLR

I wished I lived in Williamsburg, then I'd have an excuse for not getting laid.

MICR DOSE

Charles said...

Hmmm, Nostrand and Fulton a frum hotspot??

Who knew... guess I need to get out more often.

Isolation Helmet said...

Hipsters on Judge Judy. Guess what a fixed gear bike is involved!

http://gawker.com/5548322/judge-judy-cannot-believe-how-much-bikes-cost-in-brooklyn

Fritz said...

that is some motorized bike yah got thar eh eh eh

theshepherdsdog said...

nice giro blog snob

Anonymous said...

omg that judge judy vid was hilarious!!! Showing that to everyone. Thought it was a parody video at first.

Great post too! Green product companies should market like bike companies too. 2.8% greener then last model!

3G said...

GOOD POST
ON THE
GIRO BLOG
AND HERE

Concerned 2.0 said...

+100 on the Giro blog as well. It would make my year if you did it for the Tour of France. You have definetly made a classic race worth paying attention to that was pushed aside for the newer and hipper race somewhere in NA.

Shaun said...

So today we learned that Judge Judy's idea of popping for a dope ride is going out and dropping $125 for an über-sweet Schwinn.

Anonymous said...

Great, great post.

Anonymous said...

that judge judy video is hilarious. Could those two guys be anymore of a ridiculous parody, it looks like they even had matching and career-limiting neck tats. Now that's hipster irony at its absolute finest.

g said...

ANT1, they were carpenter ants. I assume you are more of an accountant ant, so no worries.
Why can't bikes be expensive to some people? I mean I am sure she's paid $200-300 for a meal, shoes and appliqued holiday sweatshirts that all could have been purchased for less? Freaking morons.

ant1 said...

g - account-ant, makes sense, hadn't thought of it that way.

Shaun said...

I'm sure one could pay at least $125 for a good scrotum appliqué.

Anonymous said...

Judge Judy FTW!

xyxax said...

Hey snob,

if leroy is correct, then I add my congratulations. Looking forward to avoiding eye contact with you in Playground 3 for years to come.

Thee Punk Rock Chef said...

My favorite motto is Fat Possum Records: "We're trying our best."

hillbilly said...

ooh, do we!? if so, Congrats!!!

Anonymous said...

BSNYC, how are book sales going? haven't picked up a copy myself but plan to. any reviews?

bikesgonewild said...

...if props are in order for the bikesnobfam then consider me palpably pleased !!!...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Leroy,

Not yet.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob,
Read your book - loved it. one complaint.
My chain was chirping like a flock of finches.
I followed your instructions and applied gefilte fish oil.
Now every cat in Connecticut is chaseing me/ chewing my chain.

What the hell do I do now???

-MOTS

Salty Seattle said...

Snobbie-

Props to the ever-expanding blog fam, at the very least, then. Your blog-geny are in Grand Tour racing form right now.

Congrats to that, and thinking good thoughts for the other expansion, as well.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 4:53 - one slipped by the fact-checker. I believe that Jamaica is in the Carribean sea, not Queens.

heath said...

eureka!

P & S said...

that art - we have to say that GIROMANIA is runnin wild brother say your prayers and eat your vitamins...I am a real I-tal-ion fight for my bike fight for what's ri-ight!

bikesgonewild said...

...hoping the egg on my face doesn't drop into my drive train...

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Grumpy said...

all you mennonites chill my blod

leroy said...

Anon 5:08 --

That's odd. Cipo had the same problem. Except he used pheromones. And it wasn't cats.

NeoMaori said...

Are my tribal band tats still cool?

leroy said...

Uh-oh. I've been disqualified from the congratulations podium for a false positive.

Oh well, the thought remains the same.

frilly said...

Probably wise that Snoblet does not want to make his or her entree into this world on a Wednesday.

Lonewolf88 said...

I could be 7.8 percent stiffer than myself, but I do not chose that modality.
Pardon now, for I must sally forth once more on my mission to leave no tracks in as many places as there are watts coursing through my haunches.
I will leave this, though: Be wary, you who post drivel on roadbikereview about your massive watts while on unrelated topics.
I know you, for I exist in your SRM, and if you persist we will come on your rides of lameness, and with each disdainful twitch of my sinews the Ghost Lotus will spit hot divots of asphalt upon your portions to prevent similar offspringing. Selah!

Lonewolf88 said...

Podium ... of the wind ...

Haulin' Oats said...

That's an Easy Racers/Sun EZ Sport (CX?) recumbent, creeping towards a crank-forward design.
Oh yeah, you love those, RTMS, admit it.

Jase said...

While

PED DLE gets you closer to a full knuckle tattoo

the word

PEDA L

is what you do on a bike.

yours sincerely,

PEDA NTIC

bikesgonewild said...

...lonewolf88...if that's not you in the so-cal fotos w/ the long hair, palping the 'lotus bike' & i doubt that it is, you have a sad lack of personal identity & you've thusly chosen an unfortunate avatar...

...you, sir, are in imitation of the real thing...

...i'm sure i won't be the only one just sayin'...

Darling said...

SKIN DEEP

Asshammer Jack said...

Mr. Snob, you you by any chance one of Woody Allen's love children?

Salty Seattle said...

frilly-

Thank you!

All my life, I've never understood.

Now I do.

I was born on a Wednesday.

[blissed]

Anonymous said...

I’m going to conspire with the forces of darkness now and determine if I have a two-stroke or four-stroke set of pants-yabbies that need to be, er, doped.

PawnShop said...

Asshammer - The book's acknowledgments include thanks to a horde of family members, but not a Konigsberg to be found. IronicInternNYC on the other hand...

DPPL GNGR

Anonymous said...

I too, am eager to give early congrats... have you bought the Peapod for the BigDummy yet? (actually, it should be a Chariot until full trunk and neck control is achieved, but if early congrats are in the offing, who cares about timing?) Here's suggesting you raise the mite Unitarian: we accept and affirm all mutually consenting bikeways.

Anonymous said...

According to Cycleways Magazine Minneapolis, (MPLS) is should now be substituted for all smug and green references usually reserved for Portland.

Note that Portland does not even have a vowel free abbreviation to insert into insufferably green referenceways.

Anonymous said...

Portland = PDX

Anonymous said...

98th!!!!!

Salty Seattle said...

And..

Salty Seattle said...

100!

Nogocyclist said...

What ever happened to 99???

Nogocyclist said...

99 as in Agent 99......
That is my question for comment #99

fierce panties said...

top 200!

anothercyclist said...

Eben-

Are you really so embarrassed about your own lifestyle/lifeway/faithway/whatever that you have to continue to criticize somebody who has made a conscience effort to improve the way he lives?

It's one thing to be fully aware of the way our overly consumptive lives affect the planet, and still refuse to change; it's another to not only refuse to change, but ridicule others who do in an effort to mask your own shame.

Philip Williamson said...

When some folks were complaining recently that the Bike Snob was 'giving Lance a pass,' I thought, "Hey! Cut him some slack. He's the ONLY one taking on Mike Giant!"

Yokota Fritz - For the church to "...open their doors to cyclists..."
Getting doored - not so welcoming.

cyclegoddess said...

QOM OZ!!

Snobby, you little beauty! Bloody FABULOUS POST!!
"the remainder is made from eco-friendly resin-impregnated woven beard hair." Here I was thinking, hey Id like to marry that greenie guy, but he rides a RECUMBNAT...ewwww!

But seriously, if that guy was in the TOur DE Something, he would have took off like a rocket launcher, and tested would have proven to have the blood purity of a fetus.

As for genital piercings, trend started by tribal Californians, the 90s. Too late for cool, hipster suckers. We beat you to it20 years ago.

cyclegoddess said...

"2.5% lighter and 7.8% stiffer" from GOd? Come on..
I ask more of that from my upgrade in boyfriends...

cyclegoddess said...

wishiwasmerycx-honey, keep it up. Those two will drop dead of cardiovascualr failure, while you will be the kind of old guy I am always tempted to yell" hey!sweet cheeks!" too, as you whizz by on your bike, beating the pants off younger riders.

ringcycles said...

anothercyclist: Yes, you've found out the dirty little secret of pro bike blogging. Mr. Weis actually writes this blog from the backseat of his Hummer H2 while it iddles so that he can run the air conditioning and listen to the Rush Limbaugh show at the same time. The horror of this closeted life has forced him craft a public image/double identity as BSNYC.

No, I think you've missed the fundamental point of this blog, it is cycling satire in high gear. Everyone in bicycle-dom is a target for ridicule here; even obsessed, over equiped, under-talented masters racers like me. Some targets are just easier to hit than others.

But now that you've broken the BSNYC "omerata", I'd watch your back. Secret assasin teams from the commentariat may be anywhere.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anothercyclist,

No I am not.

It is one thing to be able to laugh at others, it is another thing to be able to laugh at yourself.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

ringcycles,

Are you sure it is cycling satire in high gear? I would suggest that it is cycling satire in a really high fixed gear ratio. I'm pretty sure Mr Snob can't down shift on this thing he is piloting brakelessly towards other unsuspecting cyclists and road users.

ce

Anonymous said...

Actually, there was a photographic representation of my metaphor in yesterdays post now that I think of it. It the blue and rust colourway.

ce

Anonymous said...

Joao Faustino,

It must be strange having thousands of half brothers and sisters around the world.

At least you get to be half awesome.

ce

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Taylor's Folding Bike said...

So, I'm not Jewish..but I ride a single speed/fixty-the Montague BOSTON and love it. Maybe I should convert? I'll look into it.

http://www.montaguebikes.com/boston-folding-single-speed-bike.html

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