Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Wake Up and Smell the Trees: Speed Bumps Ahead

Bicycle racing is about more than just who can ride the fastest, or even about who is physically strongest. Whereas some sports simply reward accuracy (tiddlywinks), or speed (sack racing), or power (watermelon seed spitting), cycling is a Waldorf salad of all of these, dressed with some luck and served in a great big wooden bowl of strategy. While training and preparation are essential for success, one should never underestimate the efficacy of a cunning psychological ploy. Indeed, it was no less a rider than Eddy "The Cabbinal" Merckx who called cycling "the Parcheesi of the road." And so it was that Tour de France winner Alberto Contador struck a potentially fatal blow to his competitors recently by unveiling his very own personalized "fingerbang" car:

A number of readers have alerted me to Contador's new ride, and it will doubtless boost his morale as effectively as it undermines the confidence of his rivals. You'll also note that Contador has abandoned his old fingerbang logoway for something a bit more corporate and abstract:

It could almost be the insignia of a bank or securities firm--albeit one with a disconcerting tendency to try to screw you with an index finger. (Actually, Contador should really consider selling his new logo to Goldman Sachs.)

Of course, there are some people who are simply not interested in the competitive aspect of cycling, and to whom the cutthroat, cockblocking, and fingerbanging world of bike racing is distasteful and off-putting. Instead, they prefer to simply ride around on their bicycles while smelling trees:



However, even the docile world of genteel, non-competitive, "Look at me, I'm saving the Earth!" cycling is not free from competition. Traditionally, here in the United States, the best place to be a tree-sniffing cyclist who prefers self-administered back-pats to fingerbangs (at least according to the "media") has been Portland, Oregon. Recently, though, the foul scent of defeat almost overpowered the usual Portland olfactory medley of trees, coffee, and dirty blond dreadlocks when "Bicycling" magazine crowned Minneapolis the most bike-friendly city in America:

Alas, stunned Portlanders looked on in terror as the Dachshund of Time lost interest in their moist city and instead began sniffing curiously at the fragrant crotch of Minneapolis:

(Recent Fixedgeargallery entry, via a reader. I believe Hüsker Dü may be from St. Paul and not Minneapolis, but honestly most of us don't know the difference.)

And as if this wasn't bad enough, another reader recently informed me that "The Economist" has downgraded Portland from citadel of cycling to simply "strange:"

Not only that, but they also called Portland "white, young and childless," after which they went ahead and rubbed Portland's nose in the whole Minneapolis thing again just in case they forgot:

Moreover, the article suggests that the Portland lifestyle is an "elite" one that is simply not tenable for those who are not a part of the leisure class, and that it's bike-friendliness is something that cannot be replicated in larger cities.

Naturally, immediately after reading this I headed over to BikePortland, where the latest item of concern was improving cycling in a local cemetery:
For all my jokes about Portland, it should be fairly obvious that they are born of jealousy. I am quite fond of Portland, and what New York cyclist does not envy his or her damp siblings to the west? As much as cycling has improved here in New York City, anybody who either does not inhabit or else regularly travels outside of the "Gentri-verse" knows just how difficult (and potentially fatal) riding a bicycle here can be. Naturally, then, when we read about how Portlanders are complaining about the lack of adequate signage in a cemetery we are simultaneously envious and amused. (For much of the country, Portlanders are the princesses sleeping on the pea, while the rest of us sleep on a single Kleenex facial tissue with lotion on top of a bed of nails.) Plus, while bicycles should certainly be given every consideration out on the roads, we can't help but think that perhaps mourning should take priority over cycling in a cemetery. Then again, this is Portland, so instead of banning bicycles the cemetery installed speed bumps--about which the cyclists then complained:
Apparently, the speed bumps were "unfriendly:"

I guess I must not understand the concept of the speed bump, since I always thought the whole point of them was to be "unfriendly" and jarring if you went over them too fast. They're pretty much the opposite of a "pump track," which is probably what Portlanders are going to start demanding next since pretty much the only hardship they still have to deal with is actually pedaling their bicycles. I mean, I suppose it's possible these things inhabit the grey area between "speed bump" and "booby trap," but I think it's also reasonable that people should be able to mourn their dead without having to dodge someone delivering coffee on a porteur bike or hearing the horrific sound of a locally-machined Chris King hub coasting at 20mph.

Anyway, I'm sure the cemetery and the cyclists will work it all out, and in the end what I found most remarkable was the use of a pair of sunglasses for scale:

I'm excited to see that sunglasses have joined milk and babies as an acceptable unit of measurement, though I'm less impressed by the size of the speed bump. Here in New York City we regularly encounter potholes that are like ten sunglasses wide and four sunglasses deep. Now that's a booby trap.

However, to Portland's credit, the truth is they're not just riding around looking for things to complain about, and they are concerned about the perception of cycling as something that is the domain of the white and privileged. In fact, they even have a non-profit organization ("non-profit organization" is pretentious for "privileged white people") looking into the matter, and here's what they've found:
This is important, not only in the context of Portland but also as it pertains to this whole notion of "bike culture." Yes, it seems that when people look at the "bike culture" they come to the conclusion that cycling is for kids and white people--though I can't imagine where they'd get that idea:

("Ghettospoke!" Get it?!? Ghettos are like so funny!)

In turn, the "mainstream" then looks at the "bike culture" and, instead of picking up on the practical they instead tend to focus on the "trend" aspect, which they take to its logical conclusion:



And even the face of ostensibly "practical" cycling isn't always appealing or relatable as portrayed in the "media:"

Putting your front wheel in the camera is the bicycle equivalent of "karate hands." Incidentally, if you're wondering, the Big Dummy is about 20 sunglasses long, but it can carry like 57 babies.

So what is the fate of everyday, practical cycling in our nation's cities? Well, I'm not sure, but I do know the SignedDutchBikeDex has fallen, since this bicycle bearing Janette Sadik-Khan's autograph originally sold at auction for $700 but is now on Craigslist for $650:




Batavus NY400 Dutch Bike Signed - $650 (East Village)
Date: 2010-04-19, 4:36PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Limited Edition Batavus NY400 Dutch City Bike signed by NYC DOT commissioner.

Janette Sadik-Khan.

NY400 Bikes were a gift from the Dutch Government to the City of NY to celebrate Henry Hudson's arrival here some 400 years ago.


Bike includes Shimano generator hub and lights. Internal three speed drive train, full fenders and chain guard, integrated rear wheel lock and heavy duty rear rack. Bicycle is sized for someone 5'7" to 6'2"

I purchased the Batavus at a Benefit to support Recycle a Bicycle. I love it but have to many bikes in my tiny Manhattan Apartment.


Ah, the Dutch--New York's original gentrifiers.

92 comments:

Kevin said...

1st

Anonymous said...

HOLY CRAP FIRST PODIUM IN TWO YEARS!!!!

Anonymous said...

second from Jaeger Wheelmen?

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

podium!

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

nope, just missed... :/

Anonymous said...

THIRD AS WELL???

Anonymous Coward said...

Top Ten!!

Anonymous said...

Top Ten...

[karate hands]

Anonymous said...

wake up and smoke the trees.

krafty said...

oh my... top ten.
i think i just pooped a little!

Unknown said...

weed tuesday

Anonymous said...

"a potentially blow"

:)

Stevil said...

MC Hämmër pänts ärë thë nü ümläüt.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

asad said...

WOOT MPLS.

mikeweb said...

Circuit races in cemetaries! Of course!

le correcteur said...

Right coast correcteur makes the top 20 today!

luciferyellow said...

George Michael is riding a fixie?

Shram said...

fuck yeah

Steve M said...

That video was so heinous; no wonder drivers want to murder us.

OBA said...

Those look like some comfy fatass Schwalbes!

hillbilly said...

still have contact high from last night's flaming lips show.

hillbilly said...

good idea mikeweb! a cemeterium!

g said...

MC Hammer designs useless bike knickers now? Oh how the mighty have fallen.
Stop.
Hammertime.

Unknown said...

you might like this mr. snobby
http://boston.craigslist.org/bmw/bik/1698574406.html

ervgopwr said...

Portland should understand that NY is the original Amsterdam replica.

But as a regular bike commuter, can this elitist idea about bike riding get any more annoying. What is more egalitarian than being transported in your fancy horseless carriage?



HAMR PNTS

CommieCanuck said...

Speed bumps can appear without any warning. In 1996, an entire village in Eastern Elbonia got wiped out by speed bumps. Bent wheels, busted crabon, jarred nerves, not pretty.

It was all chronicled in the 2002 film , "Bump" starring Robert Downey Jr., who admittedly signed on for a bag of oregano for which he was too stoned to realize wasn't pot.

CommieCanuck said...

Portland should understand that NY is the original Amsterdam replica.

That explains all the tall blonde people.

Isolation Helmet said...

Sir:

I have two complaints about todays post.

1.) In your "review" of the Big Dummy you make no mention of milk vs. bike weight

2.) Today is 4/20 yet you make no mention of early consumption of Wednesday Weed.

CommieCanuck said...

BTW Snob, it's all about scale, sure, those bumps are tiny relative to the sunglasses, but the sunglasses need to be seen Relative to something else.

It's all about relativity, as explained by this guy.

Billy Reid said...

serious injury resulting from speed bumps?
Portlander 1: "Dude, why are you riding your cross bike? This is obviously a Dutch bike commute!"
Portlander 2: "Bro, it's because I have to go through that cemetery with the huge speedbumps. I don't want to go down again. I'm running 33psi in these tubies, and I hope everything works out."

Anonymous said...

Quoth the Economist:

Joel Kotkin [...] thinks that places like Portland, San Francisco and Boston have become “elite cities”, attractive to the young and single, especially those with trust funds, but beyond the reach of middle-class families who want a house with a lawn.


Trust funds? They just print that without comment?

Also, if you want a house with a lawn, what you're looking for is not called a city. I'm glad that young families who want houses with lawns don't live anywhere near me. Sounds boring.

Billy Reid said...

Commie, thanks for putting the sunglasses in perspective! I was going to ride the 29er through the cemetery, but I'm going to have to get the 36er out.

CommieCanuck said...

serious injury resulting from speed bumps?

Oh yeah, you don't want to hit those bumps on a full suspension bike with 12" of travel, just like the douchey $80,000 SUVs that can't go over them either.

Jefe said...

Snob, I know what you mean by the "competitive aspects of cycling." This weekend I did the MS Ride from Houston to Austin and whenever I got passed by a pace line of kits riding Cervelo time trial bikes, I would rocket onto their wheel. Since this was not a race, it made little sense, but I had brief fanatasies of dropping them like Fabian at a C race.

i am the engine. said...

Dude, very funny, but you are missing the most pretentious prick ever on the nyc biking "bikes and chefs". The next installment that brought you the safron king.

He makes conto seem downright humble.

http://vimeo.com/9843328

portland anonymous said...

the 12 step program is ready for you. minneapolis is #1 one now.

the first step is to admit into your heart that portland is a distant second...

Stupid Name said...

Bicycle is sized for someone 5'7" to 6'2"

Another bruce banner sized omni bicycle.

If they were donated to nyc from dutchland how come people are selling them for profit?

portland anonymous said...

anon @ 1:18

portland has houses with lawns in the city

it's a SMALL town

hillbilly said...

Jefe, I did the exact same thing on that ride a year ago! Torrential downpours again?

Anonymous said...

g,

I'm trying to figure out how one would pull off these awesome dance moves while riding a bike with no brakes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbBd9Ry9lDA

Velocodger said...

Absolutely Fabulous post! Thanks- I reeealy needed a good laugh.

roomservicetaco said...

Does anyone know where/when/how the fingerbang salute by AC started? (serious question, though will accept comical responses)

g said...

roomservicetaco,
here

Deacon Amos said...

Nice to know you can't stop thinking of us :)

I will say one thing Portland does better than anywhere else is internet commentary. It's not all perfect, but at least the first 10 comments on each article are a little more substantial than "First!"

Anonymous said...

Fixie Up, what the hell...?

I'm not satisfied until someone posts a fixie fashion magazine spread of a guy in full MC Hammer regalia. The real mid-80s MC Hammer, with the parachute pants too, not the one that went all ´gangsta´ in the early 90s.

JZ said...

How could you pass up the Velonews headline: "Contador Aims His Pistol at the Ardennes". I guess the joke is already written.

Linky: http://velonews.competitor.com/2010/04/news/contador-aims-his-pistol-at-the-ardennes_112161

d. fofonov said...

I am snoozing and I am losing.

My fingerbanging practice for group pictures is coming along most well.

mattridesfar said...

Here in Seattle, we have a small island just east of us in Lake Washington- Mercer Island- that draws many local athletes, and across which I ride to and from work. The council is trying to pass an ordinance that will require cyclists to stop and pull over if (even a single) car is behind them. This is the same place where, 2 years ago, I was given a $248 ticket for "failing to stop" at 2 stop signs. Apparently, a stationary track stand is not stopping, and when I tried to point out that I had indeed reached 0 mph and waited for my right away, they still put me in the back of the cruiser and called back-up since I failed to put my foot down. Cycling in the northwest...

luciferyellow said...

Speaking of Husker Du, I bet Greg Norton rides a pennyfarthing.

Daddo said...

"... I think it's also reasonable that people should be able to mourn their dead without having to dodge someone delivering coffee on a porteur bike or hearing the horrific sound of a locally-machined Chris King hub coasting at 20mph."

I'm going to spend a day walking around my neighborhood repeating this sentence to everyone I come into contact with just to see what happens.

VBW said...

Mattrides,

Here in New York, they don't bother with the paddywagon -- they just knock your ass over...

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/20/nyregion/20bicycle.html

ringcycles said...

Mr. Snob, you have it all wrong about the corporate logo being appropriate for Goldman Sachs. At GS a mere index finger won't do for our clients, we generally would rather use the whole fist.

Anonymous said...

Deacon Amos, how is non existent more substantial than first?

wishiwasmerckx said...

So now we have a new standard for measurement, the "Bar Mitzva Sunglasses Unit," or "BSU." You will no longer ride a 56 cm frame, you now ride an 11 BSU, and you can ignore the pointless and annoying qualifiers, such as "center-to-center," "center-to-top," and so on.

Anonymous said...

deacon amos, that is because portlanders clearly have more free time than us on the industrious east coast.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzee said...

Instant pro-post empathy revisited.
I regularly crank up my ATB to 20ish mph at the top of a long descent through a locale of the lawnways persuasion. The noise of my coasting Hope's pawl always scares the shit out of me. Lob only knows what those poor families must think!(Karate Hands?)

LOWD NOIZ

leroy said...

My eyes welled with tears of joy while viewing the "Why I Ride" video.

I learned that I'm not the only one who rides because it lets them wear spandex like Spiderman!

Thank goodness, it's not just me!

And I bet I'm not the only one who hums the Spiderman theme while riding.

Don't know why I get strange looks when I do that.

Anonymous said...

Alberto has fallen victim to the marketers.

KRTE BANG

LEDO UCHE

Anonymous said...

g--AC was fingerbanging as early as 2007. One of my favorite pictures of him is when he fingerbanged his way across the finish line of the Amstel Curacao race in Nov 2007.

All tan & sweaty *sigh*

btw, he wasn't the only one banging in Curacao. That's when Tommeke met the 17 yr old.

Deacon Amos said...

Sorry, I was referring to the bikeportland.org comments, not the Bike Temple blog. But thanks for the traffic, Wes, you just doubled our stats for the month :)

grog said...

You can avoid the speedbumps by simply riding over the graves. Fat tires help. Here we bunnyhop the bumps, the babyheads, the sunglasses, the bodies, etc.

Your dedicated flugelhorn solo went well.

SMEL TREE

CommieCanuck said...

At GS a mere index finger won't do for our clients, we generally would rather use the whole fist.

...inside a boxing glove.

Daddo said...

when Greg is not riding a P-far. He's picking up B-bells.

Notlob said...

@ Blaiser:

I had that happen to me way back in 1990 for going the wrong way on Vanderbilt. The fat cop taco'ed my rear wheel, which bounced into his leg slicing his hide after I threw it on the ground in disgust. I got to spend the night in jail for that one while facing the prospect of a lot more time inside for assaulting an officer! The best part is that the same cop was later busted in some sort of extortion scheme. Ah such memories...

db said...

And Bob Mould rides a recumbent?

red neckerson said...

aw fuck im as open minded as the next backass redneck but what the fuck

portlanders cant make it over no speed bumps

shit trees is always falling on the road at vipor we only gots one road you know and we jest bunny hops them

i guess them spoilt dope smoking brats caint make it over them little bitty speed bumps

pitiful its jest damm pitiful

Anonymous said...

2007 Paris-Nice stage 7.

First fingerbang photo (i think).

Maybe Puerto brought out the fingerbang.

From Cyclingnews archive, best thing about that site.

Anonymous said...

Also enjoy the kick stand visible in the Brooklyn Paer photo. Kudos.

luciferyellow said...

Bob Mould totally does ride a recumbent.
I have to admit it worked even better without the visual, but after I spent 20 min putting Bob Mould on a trike it still has to go up. My apologies db.

Wes said...

No worries Deacon Amos. Love the amber glass lamp - it would make a great burner of incense or indeed Wednesday Weed. Hope the work party goes well.

Salty and Sore said...

mattridesfar-

Kudos to you sir.

Mercer Island is the nastiest speed bump in the Northwest. Don't think I've witnessed a crash on it or anything, but the cops there have too much tax money, and waaayy too little to do. I used to commute that way too. Ended up going around the north end of the lake eventually. (Thank you King County Parks System's bike trails. Yes, the miles are farther, but it's soooo easy. Like riding in Portland or something.)

Salty and Sore said...

Isn't riding a bike through a cemetary bad luck?

Anonymous said...

Minneapolis, Minneapolis,
the biking there is Crapolis.

Never been to Portland though,
but Saint Paul, its Siamese Twin, is almost impossible to
bike and should drag down the
Minnecrapolis rating
about 6 or 7 places.

Anonymous said...

Speed bumps are for catching air, just and on your wheels and not your glasses

now moving speed bumps are a whole other beast

J-Bird said...

Husker Du!!!

[Karate Hands]

Jefe said...

hillbilly 1:50
Weather was perfect. No rain and between 60 and 70 degrees. Bluebonnets in full bloom.

Greg Nortons Bars said...

the dachsund of time is simply reminding everyone that Husker Du was a great band and worthy of attention.

Unknown said...

I've said it once, and I'll say it again-- Bicycling Magazine including cities like Boston as bike-friendly and leaving San Diego off the list entirely? Complete morons.

But I guess I should be happy. Hey, everybody-- move to Boston! It's bike nirvana! And Mini-St. Paul! And Portland! And anywhere else that isn't here!

Don't let the door hit you as you leave San Diego. What a hell hole. Here, I'll hold the door open as you leave....

Fuck Fuckofferson said...

Husker Don't (sound of one hand clapping).

cyclotourist said...

Hüsk erDü

Anonymous said...

Thanks to google images that photo of Doug D will forever represent bike polo.

That's not so bad.

agent detroit said...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Detroit-MI/Corktown-Pump-Track/168293254585?ref=mf

MaximumMatt said...

That new logo looks way more fingerbangerific then the original.

the new on is just a side shot of the finger bang. Three short fingers closed one pointer finger and the thumb point up its so obvious yet you missed it way to go.

Baedke said...

Yup, the new logo didn't leave out the fingerbang it's still there but subversive.

LOGOBANG

db said...

@LuciferYellow

Don't apologize -- that's a quality effort. Now put Grant Hart on a BMX bike, and we're done here.

Anonymous said...

"Quilts of energetic suburbs"?

give me a fucking break

David Henderson said...

Good, but damn long to read the content: I like: http://comocyco.blogspot.com

It's similar, pithier and damn funny. I hope that's not snobbish of me to say.

Anonymous said...

I guess a speed bump could be described as a protuberance? They all do the same thing.

Thomas No"nickname"vikoff said...

I wonder if Vino has broken through the 4th wall of a bucket of popcorn?

Twob Rake said...

100