Wake Up and Smell the Trees: Speed Bumps Ahead

Bicycle racing is about more than just who can ride the fastest, or even about who is physically strongest. Whereas some sports simply reward accuracy (tiddlywinks), or speed (sack racing), or power (watermelon seed spitting), cycling is a Waldorf salad of all of these, dressed with some luck and served in a great big wooden bowl of strategy. While training and preparation are essential for success, one should never underestimate the efficacy of a cunning psychological ploy. Indeed, it was no less a rider than Eddy "The Cabbinal" Merckx who called cycling "the Parcheesi of the road." And so it was that Tour de France winner Alberto Contador struck a potentially fatal blow to his competitors recently by unveiling his very own personalized "fingerbang" car:

A number of readers have alerted me to Contador's new ride, and it will doubtless boost his morale as effectively as it undermines the confidence of his rivals. You'll also note that Contador has abandoned his old fingerbang logoway for something a bit more corporate and abstract:

It could almost be the insignia of a bank or securities firm--albeit one with a disconcerting tendency to try to screw you with an index finger. (Actually, Contador should really consider selling his new logo to Goldman Sachs.)

Of course, there are some people who are simply not interested in the competitive aspect of cycling, and to whom the cutthroat, cockblocking, and fingerbanging world of bike racing is distasteful and off-putting. Instead, they prefer to simply ride around on their bicycles while smelling trees:



However, even the docile world of genteel, non-competitive, "Look at me, I'm saving the Earth!" cycling is not free from competition. Traditionally, here in the United States, the best place to be a tree-sniffing cyclist who prefers self-administered back-pats to fingerbangs (at least according to the "media") has been Portland, Oregon. Recently, though, the foul scent of defeat almost overpowered the usual Portland olfactory medley of trees, coffee, and dirty blond dreadlocks when "Bicycling" magazine crowned Minneapolis the most bike-friendly city in America:

Alas, stunned Portlanders looked on in terror as the Dachshund of Time lost interest in their moist city and instead began sniffing curiously at the fragrant crotch of Minneapolis:

(Recent Fixedgeargallery entry, via a reader. I believe Hüsker Dü may be from St. Paul and not Minneapolis, but honestly most of us don't know the difference.)

And as if this wasn't bad enough, another reader recently informed me that "The Economist" has downgraded Portland from citadel of cycling to simply "strange:"

Not only that, but they also called Portland "white, young and childless," after which they went ahead and rubbed Portland's nose in the whole Minneapolis thing again just in case they forgot:

Moreover, the article suggests that the Portland lifestyle is an "elite" one that is simply not tenable for those who are not a part of the leisure class, and that it's bike-friendliness is something that cannot be replicated in larger cities.

Naturally, immediately after reading this I headed over to BikePortland, where the latest item of concern was improving cycling in a local cemetery:
For all my jokes about Portland, it should be fairly obvious that they are born of jealousy. I am quite fond of Portland, and what New York cyclist does not envy his or her damp siblings to the west? As much as cycling has improved here in New York City, anybody who either does not inhabit or else regularly travels outside of the "Gentri-verse" knows just how difficult (and potentially fatal) riding a bicycle here can be. Naturally, then, when we read about how Portlanders are complaining about the lack of adequate signage in a cemetery we are simultaneously envious and amused. (For much of the country, Portlanders are the princesses sleeping on the pea, while the rest of us sleep on a single Kleenex facial tissue with lotion on top of a bed of nails.) Plus, while bicycles should certainly be given every consideration out on the roads, we can't help but think that perhaps mourning should take priority over cycling in a cemetery. Then again, this is Portland, so instead of banning bicycles the cemetery installed speed bumps--about which the cyclists then complained:

Apparently, the speed bumps were "unfriendly:"

I guess I must not understand the concept of the speed bump, since I always thought the whole point of them was to be "unfriendly" and jarring if you went over them too fast. They're pretty much the opposite of a "pump track," which is probably what Portlanders are going to start demanding next since pretty much the only hardship they still have to deal with is actually pedaling their bicycles. I mean, I suppose it's possible these things inhabit the grey area between "speed bump" and "booby trap," but I think it's also reasonable that people should be able to mourn their dead without having to dodge someone delivering coffee on a porteur bike or hearing the horrific sound of a locally-machined Chris King hub coasting at 20mph.

Anyway, I'm sure the cemetery and the cyclists will work it all out, and in the end what I found most remarkable was the use of a pair of sunglasses for scale:

I'm excited to see that sunglasses have joined milk and babies as an acceptable unit of measurement, though I'm less impressed by the size of the speed bump. Here in New York City we regularly encounter potholes that are like ten sunglasses wide and four sunglasses deep. Now that's a booby trap.

However, to Portland's credit, the truth is they're not just riding around looking for things to complain about, and they are concerned about the perception of cycling as something that is the domain of the white and privileged. In fact, they even have a non-profit organization ("non-profit organization" is pretentious for "privileged white people") looking into the matter, and here's what they've found:
This is important, not only in the context of Portland but also as it pertains to this whole notion of "bike culture." Yes, it seems that when people look at the "bike culture" they come to the conclusion that cycling is for kids and white people--though I can't imagine where they'd get that idea:

("Ghettospoke!" Get it?!? Ghettos are like so funny!)

In turn, the "mainstream" then looks at the "bike culture" and, instead of picking up on the practical they instead tend to focus on the "trend" aspect, which they take to its logical conclusion:



And even the face of ostensibly "practical" cycling isn't always appealing or relatable as portrayed in the "media:"

Putting your front wheel in the camera is the bicycle equivalent of "karate hands." Incidentally, if you're wondering, the Big Dummy is about 20 sunglasses long, but it can carry like 57 babies.

So what is the fate of everyday, practical cycling in our nation's cities? Well, I'm not sure, but I do know the SignedDutchBikeDex has fallen, since this bicycle bearing Janette Sadik-Khan's autograph originally sold at auction for $700 but is now on Craigslist for $650:




Batavus NY400 Dutch Bike Signed - $650 (East Village)
Date: 2010-04-19, 4:36PM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

Limited Edition Batavus NY400 Dutch City Bike signed by NYC DOT commissioner.

Janette Sadik-Khan.

NY400 Bikes were a gift from the Dutch Government to the City of NY to celebrate Henry Hudson's arrival here some 400 years ago.


Bike includes Shimano generator hub and lights. Internal three speed drive train, full fenders and chain guard, integrated rear wheel lock and heavy duty rear rack. Bicycle is sized for someone 5'7" to 6'2"

I purchased the Batavus at a Benefit to support Recycle a Bicycle. I love it but have to many bikes in my tiny Manhattan Apartment.

Ah, the Dutch--New York's original gentrifiers.