Monday, July 20, 2009

Pistolwhipped: Seminal Fingerbang

This past weekend was a dramatic one in the Tour de France, as Alberto Contator seized the race lead and cycling fans bore witness to the "Fingerbang Heard 'Round the World." Actually, Contator fingerbanged the world at least twice. First, he fingerbanged the crowd as he crossed the line in Verbier, and then he fingerbanged them once again from atop the podium:

Presumably, the fingerbanging continued well into the night, as I'm sure Contador also triumphantly fingerbanged the podium girls, his Astana teammates, the mechanics, and the fans waiting at his hotel for autographs. Moreover, Contador is clearly riding extremely well, so it wouldn't surprise me if he continues his reign of fingerbanging terror all the way to Paris. I just hope for everybody's sake he's wearing a finger cot.

Speaking of signature victory salutes, Versus aired a segment on them Saturday in which Mark Cavendish hinted that he's preparing to "drop" a special victory salute on the occasion of his 100th career victory (whenever that happens to be). Bear in mind that this is the man who's already given us the phone call/nipple twiddle as well as the bifocal wipedown, so I'm sure it will be something memorable. In fact, team pants sponsor Hincapie Sportswear is already reportedly fabricating a pair of breakaway acid wash jeans, so you can expect considerable fireworks (and perhaps some pubes) when the Man Missile's victory tally rolls over into the triple digits.

And speaking of Hincapie and getting fingerbanged, Contador's performance yesterday only barely managed to overshadow the controversy surrounding George Hincapie's missing out on the Maillot Jaune on Saturday by a mere five seconds:

I'm a Hincapie fan, but while Contador finishes his stages with a bang, Hincapie tends to cross the line with a wimper. In fact, he seemed on the verge of tears in his post-race interview Saturday as he blamed first Astana and then Garmin for shutting him down. Subsequently, everybody involved rushed to Hincapie's side in order to comfort him as though he was a toddler who's just dropped his new ice cream cone. Of course, they were right to be contrite; after all, this is the Tour de France, and everybody knows the object is to ride slowly and assist other teams. If a team is going win as a result of riding in its own self-interest, it had better have a damn good excuse. Contador should be extremely thankful that Lance Armstrong came back, because if there hadn't been some tension within the team I'm sure cycling fans would have turned on Contador by now like that tiger turned on Roy.

But while I would have been exceedingly pleased to see Hincapie to take the jersey (if only for a day), the fact is that the Tour de France is a bike race, and a lot can happen in five seconds of bike racing. Also, a lot can happen in five seconds after a bike race. For example, five seconds is all it takes for five-time Tour de France winner Bernard Hinault to clear the podium of a faux Fran├žaise des Jeux rider:


Yes, nobody clears a stage like Hinault:


Indeed, if you think Hinault's stage-clearing moves look familiar, it's no coincidence. Few people know that after "the Badger" retired in 1986, he found himself in dire need of an outlet for his considerable aggression, so he hit the gym, bulked up, and moved to New York City, where he worked as a bouncer at storied rock venue CBGB. Here he is in action at an Agnostic Front show "back in the day." (All noteworthy performances by "seminal" hardcore bands took place "back in the day."):

While hurling flailing adolescents around was a perfect match for Hinault's fiery temperament, he was unable to reign in his ego, and he soon ran afoul of "the scene" when he attempted to usurp vocal duties from Agnostic Front lead singer Roger Miret. (One witness who was present at the show during which Hinault managed to briefly seize the microphone from Miret describes "the Badger" as sounding like a "deranged Edith Piaf.") Forced out of CBGB, Hinault then managed to find employment at Frank Cariola's Sundance in Bayshore, LI, only to be fired two weeks later after seriously injuring a stagediver at a Kreator show. Subsequently, he returned to France, where he has finally managed to combine pushing people from stages with the sport he so passionately loves.

But when it comes to memories of metal, the ultimate wellspring is the Metal Inquisition blog, and it just so happens that the proprietor of that blog recently returned from the Tour de France, where he took some photos that are to the work of Graham Watson what Agnostic Front are to Graham Nash. For example, here's an impassioned BBox fan who's waiting for either Thomas Voeckler or a "suitcase of sausage:"


Here's a guy surreptitiously hanging a flag in his underwear (I think Mark Cavendish may just have had another victory salute idea):


Here's Tom Boonen "palping" a pair of Transformers socks before eventually transforming himself into a DNF:


And here's inky, legular proof that Brice Felliu may in fact be an undercover "Lone Wolf:"


But perhaps best of all, he also returned with a gift for me which is now officially my most prized possession, seen here being held aloft triumphantly yet remorsefully by what is now my second-most prized possession:

Yes, it's a piece of tubular tire. But it's not just a piece of anybody's tire; it's actually a piece of Vladimir Karpets's tire. Karpets's name is perhaps one of the best ever to have graced our sport, sounding as it does like someplace on Rockaway Turnpike where you'd go to buy a discount area rug. (Actually, I think I may have purchased the BSNYC/RTMS Test Sisal at Vladimir Karpets.) Not only that, but he's also got a mullet as splendid as anything you might have seen at Frank Cariola's Sundance "back in the day." So to own a small piece of his tire is to own a huge piece of cycling history. Oh, and also he gave me a button:

So a thousand thanks to Metal Inquisition. I will forever treasure these treasures like the treasures they are.

However, there is one thing that's better than receiving, and that's giving. Some readers may recall that earlier this year I "curated" The Great Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (sponsored by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend). Well, one of the prizes I gave to the winner, Urchin, (for what is undoubtedly the most salacious photo ever taken of a pair of bicycle forks) was an actual Boston Whaler decal (courtesy of Bluenoser) which Urchin has informed me has finally been "curated" onto his time trial bike:


I was extremely pleased to see this, not only because it feels so good to give, but also because there really is something whaler-y about a time trial bike:

Even though the bike's not finished, it's already safe to say that decal is going to be the aesthetic centerpiece of the groupo. Here's hoping Urchin "curates" himself a victory in his next time trial, and that he fingerbangs his opponents into submission.

86 comments:

rezado said...

Where is my dachshund

Other Side of the GW said...

He pisses me off.

Oh, and podium.

Anquetil's Mother said...

podium.... oh wait it's a rest day

grog said...

heeere kitty kitty kitty . . .

crimerider said...

schleck!

Surly Bastard said...

Top ten, but it's a rest day, right?

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

DAMN THE MAN

Asterisk said...

****

Anonymous said...

Top ten?

Anonymous said...

YEAH!

hillbilly said...

I find it disgusting that people didn't let me win today. disgusting. and offensive. why won't people let me win? (disclaimer - i do like 'big george')

streepo said...

Read it and top 15!! Where can I get Transformer socks?

Astroluc said...

DENIED!

Anquetil's Mother said...

hillbilly, i tried to slow down the pack for you by typing tempo and proclaiming it to be a "rest day." Unfortunately the attacks still came and while I couldn't understand their tactics, I am certainly not to blame.

CommieCanuck said...

No dacshunds yet, but you get this T-shirt, after you submit hair, blood and combination fecal-saliva samples.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC-
I always figured you were a literate fellow. I appreciate the Eliot refernece.

Matt said...

It's about time someone said it. I feel bad for Hincapie, but it is a race...

CommieCanuck said...

I just can't get enough Tom Boonen diarrhea updates, thanks snob.

Shitstrong!

Anonymous said...

I sprint for Sausage Suitcase primes.

Anonymous said...

Contador shot Oscar Friere and Julian Dean.

hillbilly said...

Thanks AM, i knew it was those fucking garmin bastards.....argyle wearing sideburned having. boxed wine drinking mothertruckers!

Dee Kellan said...

Man I'm never in the top ten!

CommieCanuck said...

The fact that you guys aren't talking about me shows a complete lack of respect. The press should focus on people in 11th place, out of respect.

Anquetil's Mother said...

No prob, Hillbilly. Yeah Vaughter's sideburns have gone from bad to worse. I'll have to pull a Bob Stapleton and talk to Vaughter's boss about his facial hairdo.

washeduptmobilerider said...

I would have done better, but the airline lost my suitcase of courage.

CommieCanuck said...

um...this t-shirt.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:40pm,

Yes, I'm a huge Chris Elliott fan.

--RTMS

rezado said...

FUCK YO COUCH

Anquetil's Mother said...

Commie,
Contador and Armstrong are the Brad and Angelina of the Tour.

Contstrong?
Armador?


It is kind of annoying when you read an article about Vandevelde in his hometown and not a single question is about him personally, it's all about racing with Lance back blah blah blah

hillbilly said...

please do, and I suppose you might as well mention Tyler Farrar's as well.....

yeesh, what a bunch of big babies:

http://www.independ ent.ie/sport/ other-sports/ they-called- me-every- name-under- the-sun-1830452. html

Anonymous said...

NYHC!!!!

streepo said...

Any time now with the t-shirt link.

Anonymous said...

You'd think that they could have at least given Levi some sort of Darth Vader replacement hand so he could have kept riding. Now look where Lance ended up. This never would have happened if Lance had his Horner/Leipheimer duo.

Anonymous said...

rtms 1:51

nice tip in for the eliot 'refernece'. who reads that stuff besides ezra pound anyway?

bikesgonewild said...

...the fingerbangin' bsnyc/rtms sez: "...describes "the Badger" as sounding like a "deranged Edith Piaf."...

...edith piaf, the little sparrow sez: "la vie en rose"...

...the deranged bernard hinault sez: "vous putain salauds"...

Anonymous said...

BANG BANG

hillbilly said...

well, there was that band in the 80s or 90s who referenced the 'measured out in coffee spoons' line...

all of the 'pros' this year sound a lot like wheelsuckers on nyvelocity the day after a club race

Anonymous said...

I feel fingerbanged by the weak sauce post today.

Anonymous said...

For three years, out of key with his time,
He strove to resuscitate the dead art
Of cycling; to maintain "the sublime"
In the old sense. Wrong from the start-

The age demanded an image of it's accelerated grimace; thus BSNYC/RTMS was born.

frilly said...

Oh the things I could say about Alberto Contador and finger(bang)ing.

Must behave. Must behave. Must behave.

Anonymous said...

pigmon!!

13 year old said...

snob u iz a funny do0d i liek ur jok3z

Paul said...

This:
"Here's a guy surreptitiously hanging a flag in his underwear"

Should be:

"Here's a guy in his underwear surreptitiously hanging a flag"

Thanks. Ed.

g-rock said...

Contador's finger-banging podium girls...thought provoking.

CommieCanuck said...

Anon 2:08pm...God hates Levi and the Pope. He's scaled back the smiting to just wrist breaking.

Johnny Sprocket said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Johnny Sprocket said...

Maybe we could get Hinault down to the next Ponytail gig and he can throw them off the stage ?!

rezado said...

Thats right obey the ten commandments or god will bruise your colourway

TheTye said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
TheTye said...

They have interviewed Hincappie 6+ times during this tour and even when his team takes a stage, he complains. He is like the "Debbie Downer" of the Pelaton.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3yFSpml8oSw

Anonymous said...

the try-bike is ugly. the unsinkable legend stickers save it a little. but not enough. what is at the heart of the ugliness is the fact that those stickers are made for boats, and they fit on that bike.

Anonymous said...

Oh my freaking GOD! Where can I get Boston Whaler stickers for my next ride? (I know, win Snobby's stupid contest from about a year ago.) That is AWESOME! I love it! I think maybe for my cx bike, I will try to scrounge up some Gillig Bus stickers.

http://www.gillig.com/New%20GILLIG%20WEB/story.htm

Luck E. Seven said...

FNGR BANG



A

Anonymous said...

ugh, yeah, that use of the word "curate" -- comes from the fashion world: as in, "it's a really well curated shop" -- meaning, they sell quality skirts -- pretty horrible. fashionistas desperately attempting to lend depth to their shallow obsessions.

Anonymous said...

Make one little frog comment and they gyp you out of the green jersey.

Anonymous said...

Just wait till LA brings on the real guns.

Fierce Panties said...

All you haters suck my balls.

the spaniard said...

if i was george i would of jumped on that ruskies wheel,tore his legs off in the final 100 and have been working on my second margarita in my new yellow shirt before those homo's in the peloton even finished.

urchin said...

Anon 4:39,
No shit that thing's ugly, but now it has a story.

Ain't no try-bike, by the way. The key feature is the giant fork ends on the back: full-sized track ends but with a derailer hanger, perfect for a combo pursuit/TT frame. Rigged in fixed gear TT mode, it's a guaranteed try-athlete deathtrap, I'll wager.

The whaling reference is even more apt when you see my fat ass riding that thing. The things some people do for kicks.

Hey Bluenoser--you got a LEFT side decal around somewhere?


"Drive, drive in your nails, oh ye waves! to their uttermost heads drive them in! ye but strike a thing without a lid; and no coffin and no hearse can be mine:--and hemp only can kill me! Ha! ha!"

Anonymous said...

Wtf are "full-sized" track ends? Do they come in sizes? Supersize mine, please to match my fat, white, hairy ass. (Hair is brown, ass flesh is white.)

urchin said...

Oops. I've made the fatal error of speaking enthusiastically on these pages about a bike part. Duck and cover...

What I mean by that is there's lots of room for fore/aft adjustment of the rear wheel to allow for different gearings, as on a proper track frame. I would move on to a discussion of 'rear entry dropouts,' but I just know where that would lead...


oops.

Anonymous said...

If george could have reached into his sausage suitcase of courage for 5 more seconds...

Fast Times said...

Just get the "whaler"!

I Rub Commando said...

why does bicycling turn men into babies, and professional bicycling into professional babies?

Anonymous said...

Garamon?

bikesgonewild said...

...btw, snob...that little "creature" holding a piece of vladdy karpets tire looks like it could be the virus bug that crawled out of tom boonen's ass after giving that ass-wipe the 'tour' he deserved...

Uncle Evil said...

Ha ha. Fingerbanging. I get it.

Anonymous said...

Stop giving yourself presents Snob, everyone knows you are Lucho.
Please see Metal Inquisition for further elaborations of my complex theory as to your identity being the same.

Anonymous said...

If Jens broke his collarbone, how bad does stretch of tarmac look after he was done with it.

CommieCanuck said...

Ok..Ok.. you get This fucking unlinkable T-shirt photo.

My crack team of IT specialists has been working on this overnight, so enjoy it.

Luck E. Seven said...

CC-

Totally worth the wait. Damned scorchers.

That shirt doesn't have anything to do with rear entry dropouts, does it?



A

Anonymous said...

REAR NTRY

Anonymous said...

I generally love Hincapie, but somebody had to say something about all the pathetic handwringing. Nice.

...and nobody wept for Garmin when Columbia was insulting everyone about doing all the work and winning all the stages. Booyah.

Anonymous said...

Grapel George

CommieCanuck said...

I'm enjoying the ads. I'd buy the MINO camcorder, but I really don't want my camcorder saying anything about me.

Anonymous said...

Khan Tater?

Anonymous said...

contador fingerbangs armstrong
video

Anonymous said...

Hat's off to the guy's talent but who is Contador shooting anyway - people that are getting in his way after the stage? It's stupid. Have you seen the "fingerbang" hat that's more ridiculous than the actual act? The kid needs to grow up. On a purely competitive level - I'm pretty excited to see what Mellow Johnny and Radioshack have in store for him next year. I can't imagine Contador is going to like it very much.

Anonymous said...

Amen, I am so tired of Contador. While supremely talented, he's also supremely classless. Loved the commentary by the Versus guys. It will be interesting to see how he will fare when he's not surrounded by what has basically been Armstrong's team (and what he's benefited from). His comments about Lance were really tacky and while I get he's young, his actions during the Tour and after show he's not really a leader of any sort. I hope he goes DOWN.

indierockgeek73 said...

Is Contador the new leader of Southpark's boyband
"Fingerbang"? See the opening to Southpark episode 409, and imagine Contador instead of Cartman...

Anonymous said...

*Manx missle

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