Alarming Data: Number Crunching and Gear Mashing

As I mentioned yesterday, I have wroten an article about my trip to Portland, OR for the May issue "Outside" magazine (or, as it is published in Canada, "Ootside"). While I highly recommend the print edition of the magazine for the simple reason that the format is handiest for reading in the bathroom, I also understand that there are people who eschew paper ("eschew," pronounced "achoo," is an onomatopoeia for sneezing at something). For some, paper avoidance is about saving trees, and for others it's about not spending money, which especially ITTET does not grow on them. So if the only thing you subscribe to is paperlessness, you'll be pleased to know you can now read the article online instead of loitering in the Barnes & Noble magazine section or waiting for your next dental appointment:

I should point out that "Outside" came up with the title, since I don't understand why people call Portland "PDX" for the simple reason that it has more syllables. LA, SF, and even NYC I can understand, but the only reason I can see for calling Portland PDX is so that people don't confuse it with Portland, Maine--though in that case they might as well just call it "PO." Of course, affectionate nicknames are something else--for example, New York City is "The Big Apple," and New Orleans is "The Big Easy." Both of these are longer than the city name (depending on how you pronounce "New Orleans"), but they are also evocative, which "PDX" is not. I just think if they're going to add unnecessary syllables, they might as well get something descriptive in the bargain, and if I were Portlandese I would lobby to have my city called "The Big Smugness." (Then again, I'm from "'da JFK," so what do I know.)

Speaking of getting your money's worth, if you're a fan of professional cycling you are getting short-changed, since a reader has informed me that a new study indicates that the "Grand Tours" have been getting slower since 2004:

This, the researchers conclude, indicates that pre-2004 gains were attributable to doping, and that anti-doping efforts are now resulting in slower races:

If this is in fact true, then the pros better start doping again, since according to the abstract "the average speed has decreased by 0.22 km/h per year," which means that eventually a Grand Tour will take an entire calendar year. In other words, the prior year's Tour or Giro or Vuelta finishers will be rolling across the finish line of the final stage just as the next year's riders are beginning the prologue. Even more disturbing, consider that the 2009 Tour de France winner, Alberto Contador, won with an average speed of 40.31 km/hr. Therefore, if the UCI allows speeds to continue to decrease at this rate, in just 183.23 years the Tour winner's average speed will actually be 0km/hr--or, to put it another way, he won't even have rolled off the start ramp in the first place.

Clearly, then, the current anti-doping model is not sustainable and will bring to an end bicycle racing as we know it. (The best case scenario is that in two centuries Grand Tours will become giant trackstand competitions.) This may be why at least some Belgians seem less concerned about cleaning up the sport in terms of doping and are literally focussing on cleaning up the sport:



Landbouwkrediet team manager Gerard Bulens, however, dismissed the clean-up efforts as "ridiculous:"

As for water bottles, Bulens said he would be surprised to see any left along the way after a race. The bottles are highly prized souvenirs for fans. “There are serious collectors,” he said. “A cycle race is an exceptional event. I am agree that we should think about the environment, but we must not get caught up in the ridiculous. "

As a proud owner of a small piece of Vladimir Karpets's tire, I would be inclined to agree that no piece of refuse is too insignificant (or even disgusting) for the typical cycling fan. I must say, though, that the idea of "drop points for rubbish" is an intriguing one. Perhaps they can institute a new type of "green" jersey by giving points to riders for managing to throw their water bottles and gel packets into recycling bins along the race route. It could be made of hemp, and they could call it the "Maillot Smugness." Best of all, those souvenir-hungry fans can then dive into the bin and fight for scraps like a bunch of hungry "freegans."

Another way to increase speeds would be to allow the riders to use electric bicycles, like this Lexus hybrid which was forwarded to me by a number of readers:




There is of course a strict rule in journalism that any article involving bicycles must include mention of either honey magnate Lance Armstrong or the Tour de France, regardless of how unrelated either of these things may be to the article's subject. What does an electric bike have to do with the Tour? It would also be less grueling if the riders were allowed to use cars or motorcycles, but I don't see anybody mentioning that when they're writing about Accords and Gold Wings. Anyway, I don't see what's so remarkable about a bike Lexus won't even put into production, especially when the electric bicycle has already completely taken over Chinatown and beyond. (I have near-collisions with people using electric bicycles on a near-daily basis--there are fewer creatures more silent and dangerous than the "Electro-Salmon.")

Really, the best thing about the article was its use of the term "man-made torque," which is apparently "Pedaling 2.0" (and not a euphemism for "foffing off," despite how it sounds). By the way, if you're a fixed-gear rider and you want to see how many gear inches your choice of cog and chainring will yield with the addition of man-made torque, you can now download "Chainvetica," which was forwarded to me by the creator:

It's basically like a regular gear-inch calculator, only with an attractive "colourway" and hipster-taunting copy. I was amused, but alas I think they might be a bit too late with this one, since discerning fixed-gear and singlespeed riders are now calculating their gears in sunglasses. ("Tight whip! How many babies does it weigh, and how many sunglasses are you pushing?"

Less whimsical but perhaps more pointless is this bike-sizing "app," which I saw on Trackosaurusrex:

The only situation I could envision in which you'd need an iPhone app to tell you what size bike you need would be if you're an aspiring Nü-Fred, you're browsing Craigslist on your phone, you don't know what size bike you ride, and you stumble on what could very well be a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to own a famous "fixie" (forwarded by another reader):

59cm fixed single speed Bottecchia - $1050 (Nopo)
Date: 2010-04-27, 12:33PM PDT
Reply to: [deleted]

59cm fixed single speed '89 Bottecchia
Columbus SP tubing – all chrome underneath the classic Italian paint.
Velocity Deep V rims laced to Miche hubs- flip-flop (rear panaracer tire shows some wear in the center, front is at 85%)
New Ultegra headset
New Nitto noodle bars & tape (44cm)
Technomic stem (110mm)
Sugino cranks & chain ring (49t)
Euro-Asia Imports track cog (18t)
Shimano Cartridge bottom bracket
Vintage Shimano 600 break caliper (new pads)
Modern Shimano 105 lever
Fizik Arionne saddle (a year old with wear on the tip- still plenty of miles left!)
New Bar Tape

And yep. This is the bike from the youtube video Performance.

You will receive attention riding around on this bike. Absurdly short handlebars and spoke-card not included.

This bike is in excellent riding condition: wheels trued, chain line perfectly straight, bearings spinning smooth. The paint is in very good condition for a bike of its era, but there are some small chips. There are braze-ons for both derailleurs, shifters AND internal cable routing, should you ever decide to convert the bike back to a geared set-up.

Specs aside, this frame rides like a dream. Give it a ride if you’re a serious about buying. I need the money to travel abroad. $1050obo
5o three, 7o2 o3six2


At one point even I speculated that this bicycle was a good investment, but it seems that between the short shelf-life of the "Performance" video and fact that we're now living in the post-Walmart era its value is dropping precipitously. If I were the seller, I'd at least consider adding some interesting features, like a Top Tube-Mounted Auxiliary Brake Lever (or TTMABL):

This unique set-up was spotted by a reader in Boston, and a closer look reveals just how ingenious it is:

Awed, I simply stared at it while listening to this.

Indeed, it would not surprise me if the TTMABL were the hot set-up at this year's Five Boro Bike Tour, which takes place this Sunday. Of course, the world's most epic "race" is sold out, but you still might be able to weasel your way in and score yourself a pinny thanks to Craigslist:

BIKE NEW YORK BIKENY BIKE NY possibly 2 registrations available (midtown)
Date: 2010-04-28, 8:18AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

I have been riding in BIKENY for years. Unfortunately I hurt my shoulder a few weeks ago. As of now ( Wednesday ) it is iffy as to if I am going to be able to ride this year. Even though I live in Northern CT - I still have to come down to NY on Saturday ( Peter Gabriel on Sunday night -- BOO YAAAA!!!!!! )

I will not decide until Saturday morning if I will or will not ride. I want to have a list of people I can call or email on Saturday if I decide I cannot ride.

If I cannot ride - and I do end up selling. Its very basic - will sell at our cost. You will get both of our envelopes with the vests, the number for your helmet -- everything contained.. I will also forward you all information on the pictures they take and everything else.

( SHAME ON ANYONE WHO IS TRYING TO SELL THESE THINGS FOR MORE THAN YOU PAID - I hope you get run over by a horse )

Jeff
Safe riding to everyone!!!!!!!!!

Following the words "Peter Gabriel" with "BOO YAAAA!!!!!!" is perhaps the best example of a "douche-clamation point" I've seen to date.