Cracks in the Sidewalk: The Future of Bike-Sharing

(A member of the Brooklyn "literati" executes a bare-legged walk-and-read.)

Firstly, I am pleased to announce that I am among the sponsors, or facilitators, or swag-donators, or whatever you want to call us, of Fat Cyclist's latest contest, the Third Annual 100 Miles to Nowhere. ("100 Miles to Nowhere" means that Fatty will ride rollers for a really long time and not that he will participate in a typical Central Park road race, which is essentially the same thing.) Unfortunately, so adept is Fat Cyclist at contest curation and so slow am I at blogging that, before I could even put finger to keyboard (I type with one finger--you know it as the "pinky," I call it my "special digit") to mention this, registration for the contest already filled up. Still, I figure I'm at least entitled to a grace period, and so I'm mentioning it anyway. Please support the Chubster as he goes nowhere fast.

Secondly, while the Porcine Velocipedist spins eternally in the present, I'd like to move on--way on into the future, to a world in which space-age ghost bicycles emerge from sidewalk vaginas:

A reader was kind enough to alert me to this vulvular cityscape, and it is apparently one architect's vision of a potential bike-sharing program for Copenhagen. In any other city, such a system would be simple: a bunch of robust comfort bikes; a rack; and a place to stick your credit card. However, this is Copenhagen we're talking about--a city so bike-friendly that it makes Portland look like the Daytona International Speedway. And you can forget about New York. In Copenhagen, they have "Cycle Chic;" here, we've got "Hot Dudes On Bikes:"

Can you guess which is which? (Hint: the "hot dude" is wearing his helmet straps in the popular "payos" style, and the "chic" woman is wearing no helmet at all--and very possibly no underpants either.)

Anyway, far too many bike-molesting designers stop with the bicycle, so it's a relief to see this architect extend the idiocy and also ruin the city itself. Incidentally, the firm responsible for the bicycle-proffering vaginal bike-share concept is called "RAFAA," which should not be confused with boutique clothier Rapha. (A Rapha bike-share would work a lot differently--it would consist of a bunch of NAHBS-approved road bikes and a soap dispenser that pumps embrocation, and you wouldn't be able to return the bike and get your deposit back until you'd ridden at least 130 miles and submitted a bunch of black-and-white photos as well as at least 500 words of florid prose.) RAFAA also deserve credit for actually including "huperson beings" in their rendering. (In the future, the word "human" will be gender-neutralized, though the sidewalks will be decidedly female.) Here's one huperson wondering what the hell he's looking at:

(You don't have to be a rocket scientist to use this bike-share program, though it helps if you're a gynecologist.)

So how does the bike vag work? Well, apparently it's powered by irony:

“The Bike Share System must become more than just a transporting system. It deals not only with the problem of stocks and flows of people, but must add extra value to its user and to the city itself. We suggest that the Bike Share System becomes an integral part of the city. The bicycles should function as censors and inform the system about certain behaviours, so that the system can react according to the situation.To predict the performance of a system, the entities have to exchange information. An internet-based platform can analyse the different interests and could then manage possible conflicts. The bicycles are equipped with GPS und W-Lan, so they are connected to each order and can inform the system about their position and status. (Is a bike being used? Where is the bike and where is it moving to? Is there a reservation for the bike? etc.) Privacy protection is a matter that has to be taken into account in the process. To increase the number of commuters travelling by bicycle from 37% to 50% by 2015, approx. 25.000 bicycles have to be integrated into the urban fabric; these bikes will need at least 20.000 m2 of storage space. We see a high risk of overloading the squares, streets and stations of Copenhagen. Therefore, our focus is to reduce the „visual pollution“ wherever possible. At the same time, easy accessibility as well as the system’s visual presence has to be maintained (hide & show policy). The following proposal distinguishes between three different trajectory scales: S,M and L.”

The source of the irony, of course, is the fact that the bicycles are acting as "censors" despite the fact that they spend their idle time sitting in a wheel chock that looks like a giant whisker biscuit. I wonder what sort of "behaviours" the bicycles will inform the system about. Perhaps the saddle is specially designed to collect vital crotchal information about the rider, and will advise the system if you have recently committed a sexual indiscretion or simply do not maintain adequate genital hygiene, at which point you will be apprehended by Copenhagen's notoriously strict "Groin Police." Also, besides boasting Advanced Taintal Analysis Saddle Technology, the bicycle itself contains a number of other interesting features:

It's interesting that concept bicycles like this one (which is designed to help Copenhagen "increase the number of commuters travelling by bicycle from 37% to 50% by 2015") always look incredibly difficult to ride. Even the average "tarck" bike looks vastly more user-friendly. I guess in the future, everyone is a time trialist.

I also guess that, in the present, everyone in Japan is a time trialist with an affinity for animation. A couple of readers recently alerted me to these bicycles:


Any one of them would look quite at home emerging from the Vaginal Sidewalks of Tomorrow:

I especially enjoyed the "cockpit curation" on this specimen:

There's no better way to while away a grueling time trial than by playing with your model track bike and your collectible figurines.

Meanwhile, closer to home (unless your home is Japan or someplace that is closer to Japan than it is to the United States), the new trend in triathlon is apparently wearing boxing gloves:

The reader who sent me this image tells me it comes from Men's Health magazine. I'm not sure if this means that boxing is replacing one of the non-cycling triathlon legs, or if triathletes have simply given up altogether on acquiring bike-handling skills and are now just going for maximum knuckle protection.

Speaking of getting aero, yet another reader tells me that the CPSC has just recalled a $1,000 pair of aerobars:
The model is the "Ventus," and it's made by 3T--the same company that brought you the "Frumunda" fork:


While one might assume that the defect lies in the rider who would pay $1,000 for a set of aerobars, apparently the problem is that the rubber grips "can loosen or slip off during use:"

In 3T's defense, I think this may actually be more indicative of the CPSC's lack of understanding when it comes to cycling products. Clearly, 3T employed cunning "lizard tail" technology when designing the "Ventus," for anybody who's seen the thrilling chase scene from "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" (the "Citizen Kane" of humorous man-child movies) knows the first thing a predator will do when trying to steal your bicycle is reach for the handgrip:

On a well-designed handlebar, the grip will then pop off, leaving the predator rather nonplussed and you decidedly plussed:

Then, like a lizard's tail, it simply regenerates.

Unfortunately, though, lizard tail technology does not come cheap, hence the exorbitant price tag. However, if you're poor in currency but rich in spirit, still another reader tell me you can still protect your bicycle by having it blessed at the Cathedral Church of St. John the Divine:

Honestly, as a devout Lobster worshipper, the whole church bike blessing thing seems a bit futile to me. If anything, the bicycles in New York City need fewer blessings and more exorcisms. Admittedly, though, the populace does need to atone. Here's somebody charging $40 for a wooden dowel:

wood straight bar and economy 700c front wheel track - $40 (Upper West Side)
Date: 2010-03-22, 11:40AM EDT
Reply to: [deleted]

1. Wood straight bar handle bars used. $40.00 or trade
Rode them for about 6 month's and they've been collecting dust ever since.

2. Silver Economy front track wheel. Rode about 10-15 times. $40.00 or trade
I bought it because I was too broke to get a real wheel at the time. Rode for about a month and its been collecting dust ever since.
Nice and true.
Will be good for a new build or if your in need of a front and don't have the cash for a nicer set-up.

Will take trades so let me know!
CASH AND CARRY otherwise.

Track fixed gear

At a little more than two pedals wide, this means that the going rate for wood in the "hipster" community is something like $4 an inch, so clearly the wooden handlebar trend is still going strong.

Also going strong is the "urban banjo" trend, as you can see here:

Maybe he's a member of the "tweederati."