Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Ridin' Dirty: The Sordid Side of Cycling



(The Cosmic Kurt Loder, by Erik K)

As I wrote yesterday, choosing a road bike component group is no simple process, and making a commitment of that magnitude calls for introspection and soul-searching. After all, you're pretty much married to this stuff until the manufacturer releases a newer version, which means you could be riding it for as long as four years. Only slightly less daunting is fork selection, mainly because you've got to consider things like rake and trail. I'm not going to explain rake and trail here because they're very complicated, but the short version is that "rake" refers to the fork's resistance to chatter (if you've ever raked leaves on an irregular surface you know that rakes can be very chattery) and "trail" refers to how the fork handles on a trail (which is why you want no trail on a road bike and lots of trail on a mountain bike). Fortunately, though, manufacturers also provide their forks with catchy names, so if you don't understand rake and trail as well as I do you can just pick the one that sounds the best. And the one that sounds the best to me is the 3T Funda.


I like the "Funda" name not only because it starts with "fun," but also because it sounds like someone from the movie "Sexy Beast" saying "thunder." Consequently, the name is simultaneously inviting and foreboding, and I find that combination beguiling. Furthermore, I utilized a popular search engine to see if the word "funda" actually means anything, and it does. It even has an alternate slang meaning: "awesome." This came as a bit of a surprise to me as I've never heard anybody refer to something as being "totally funda," but I have no reason to doubt this is correct because the internet's fact-checking department certainly wouldn't have let it slip through if it wasn't.

So taken was I with the "Funda" that I resolved to install (or "retrofit) one on my new Carbonara with the Secret Website/Modolo group. However, I was dismayed to find it was well out of my price range.  Luckily, word from Interbike is that 3T will be introducing a less expensive version of the Funda for 2009:



(Frumunda spy shots by BKJimmy)

The Frumunda will come in both a standard and a "Pro" version, and like it's big brother the Funda it will be asymmetrical because "the front end is also susceptible to aerodynamic turbulence so it’s critical to optimize the airflow here." Indeed, airflow (or lack thereof) is what determines the shape, mass, and consistency of the Frumunda. Consequently, 3T engineers reportedly spent thousands of hours in a wind tunnel with the Frumunda, though they always took great pains to remain on the windward side of it. Technical details still haven't been released, so if you're wondering about things like Frumunda rake and Frumunda trail you're going to have to wait and see. Also, I didn't bother to popular search engine "frumunda" to see if it means anything, but I'm assuming it's just another made-up marketing term and that some focus group spent a long time brainstorming in a hot room at 3T headquarters until Frumunda just sort of materialized.


They also wisely made sure the name had eight letters to make it knuckle tattoo-compatible:


FRUMUNDA Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

Of course, being a cycling blogger isn't only about staying abreast of the latest products. It's also about keeping an eye out for those moments when cycling pops up in the culture at large. And, thanks to an alert (and possibly aroused) reader, I recently learned that road cycling has once again made a cameo in the sordid world of pornography:



It is not my place to judge pornography or those who consume it, nor do I share this material with you to either promote or decry it. I am simply examining with the detachment of a scholar the unexpected places cycling has been turning up these days, and how it's portrayed when it does. But should you be inclined for whatever reason to view more than I've presented here, you're certainly welcome to do so. To test your resolve, I'm presenting you with two links, one of which will take you to the world of the "M*I*L*F Hunter," and one of which will take you somewhere unspeakably disgusting yet completely non-sexual, and I'm not telling you which is which:

Possible Porn Link 1

Possible Porn Link 2

So choose at your peril. If you really want to see, you'll take the risk.

In any case, just as there's often something a bit off about the people in pornography, there's something a bit off about the bikes as well. Let's take a look at the M*I*L*F Hunter's setup:



I was heartened by his nod to tradition with the classic bend handlebars, though I was somewhat vexed by his top-mounted thumbshifters. Certainly I can't fault him for choosing simplicity and durability, but he could have gotten that from a set of bar-end shifters instead, with the added benefit of being able to shift easily while in the drops. (I'm sure he's often forced to ride in the drops when pursuing MILFs, who can be pretty fast, especially when they're trying to evade leering goateed men.) Also, by moving the shifters from the tops to the drops he'd free up precious handlebar real estate and might even be able to install a second beer cozy. Frankly, despite what his jersey may say I suspect he doesn't even ride for Health Net. And I'm not even going to approach the fact that he's wearing a helmet with a visor on the road, or that his glasses are under his helmet straps. Suffice to say that I'm disappointed, and that I'd expect more attention to detail from someone who hunts MILFs so diligently.

And cycling isn't just turning up in pornography, either. You can also find it on more socially acceptable sex-related websites like Nerve.com. Great NYC Commuter Race champion Jamie Favaro (who, for all her "accomplishments," has yet to defeat a Smart car like I have) recently forwarded me this:


Ah yes, you can tell a trend has truly come of age when its adherents are being polled for dating advice.  Here's what one of them has to say:

Yes, asking fixed-gear riders how long they've been riding should be good for minutes of conversation, as some of these people have been cycling for as many as six months.  I do think it's a bit unfair to judge people's sexual proclivities from their style of bicycle, though.  I suppose by that logic triathletes do it in three positions equally poorly, randonneurs do it really slowly for a really long time, and recumbent riders do it on their backs with their feet flailing around in the air.  This is totally inaccurate.  I often leap onto my back and kick at the sky at the slightest mention of sex (which is why it takes me so long to get through an NC-17 movie), though I have never, ever ridden a recumbent.

At this point, having examined so many sordid subjects with the potential to offend, I can't blame you if you need a palate cleanser.  As such, I offer this bewildering picture of noted triathlete Matthew McConaughey getting caught doing something with a hose:



Which was strangely reminiscent of either Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" or the scene in "National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation" when Randy Quaid emptied the chemical toilet into the storm drain:



And if you're still disgusted, simply stare into the eyes of the Nonplussed Journalist.  He has the power to make you forget everything, including your own name:

 

(BKJimmy)

Totally funda.

97 comments:

Anonymous said...

first

Pavel said...

podium

Jelliot! said...

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! 2nd or third or something like that. Canadians are lazy. Boston Sucks. Everybody sucks.

kale said...

po po

ant1 said...

ant1st!

AnnaZed said...

Kurt + bike = crazy. You can't make this shit up (though snobby can).

Anonymous said...

Fuck all you haters with multiple gear ratios

Frenchy aka Bike Boy said...

Even had time to read the thing....

tim bulger said...

I was hoping that "fundi" would be the plural for funda but more appropriately it means "the bottom or the lowest part of a sac or hollow organ..."

Anonymous said...

I'm fundmotized.

kale said...

Yesterday, Snob finally gave away his identity.

...my one and only meal for the day (a thin gruel served to me in a wooden bowl by a child from the village)

(sorry I only have mspaint at work)

Caaah said...

I have a sin to confess to Cosmic Kurt Loder.

Bless me, Kurt, for I have laughed at a guy training for cyclocross. I'm sure we all look silly when we are working out, so I shouldn't have. However, as cyclocross guy ran back and forth between the light poles on the tiny triangle of grass near the Grand Army Plaza entrance, I chuckled. As he hoisted his "crabon" bike higher into the air, and tagged that lamppost, I laughed a little harder. And we all stared, stared, stared...

Please, forgive me.

Camp Cupboard said...

The Fundus is the thick upper wall of the uterus.
Maybe these forks are catering to babies.

mr. suck said...

Caaah,

You we're correct to chuckle, RTMS has just attempted to brainwash us all to believe that running around carrying a perfectly rideable bicycle is somehow not dorky.

For the record, I suck at cyclocross too. Really suck.

mr. suck said...

Oh man, I suck at proofreading too. Damn me.

Mark said...

What about Funda Cheese? Wouldn't that be the slime you pick up unda ya Funda Fork?

Did anyone pick up on yesterday's post that there were two different Masi's?

Anonymous said...

funda-mental.

BlueBear said...

Lolzzz @ jelliot!!!
"Did anyone pick up on yesterday's post that there were two different Masi's?"
What do you mean??

Bob Willard

other anonymous said...

frumunda-mental

Anonymous said...

two bars =/ two bikes

Anonymous said...

same bike, three different front wheels (and bars as has already been mentioned

Jim said...

Judging the sexual proclivities of riders by the type of bike they ride? That's crazy. First off, a date with a true roadie will involve the guy taking the girl out to the steepest hill within 30 miles of the date start, dropping her ass repeatedly to show how strong he is, and riding off near the crest of the hill to finish the date alone. Or getting dropped by her and too humiliated to continue, followed by finishing the date alone. Which is okay, since a true roadie would rather be riding or browsing the Park Tools section of the Competitive Cyclist catalog than having sex anyhow. Mountain bikers are better with the girls, but that sport is a total sausage party so it's not like there's any significant number of girls available. That's cool tho 'cuz MTB'ers like sausage, the Hickory Farms kind is really good if you're a little smoked up. And hey, dude, want to try some of this raging homebrew? It's a quadruple IPA...

As for guys on fixed gears... well, their sex life is pretty much like the sex life of every other twenty-something who hangs out in bars, has to shout to be heard over the too-loud music, and counts on a combination of the stylistically-correct sort of bad clothing, 2-for-1 Pabst, Roofies, and girls just getting tired of resisting extremely predictable advances. Sadly, they are well positioned to reproduce, though like their bikes, they'll probably be more focused on the aesthetics of the experience than on the quality of the ride.

Recumbent riders, of course, reproduce assexually.

Mark said...

Bluebear (any relation to Blue's Clues?):

So despite the owner's disdain for gears, he does employ them, as you can see below:

This comment refers to a different bike with different bars - as anon 2:15 PM pointed out.

Thanks for the clarification.

michael said...

Aw, shit's hilarious

bk jimmy said...

"Frumunda trail"! Nasty.

Jim - very insightful!

Meanwhile, learning to read between the Times.

Polygraf said...

Damn good funny stuff snob, can't stop laughing.

Dave said...

The usually accurate BSNYC has misidentified the MILF Hunter’s facial hair as a goatee when it is, in fact, a Van Dyke. But all is forgiven as this gives me an obviously marketable idea for an all-girl sequel.

kale said...

bk jimmy-

I feel a wealth of creative energy springing from your photoshop abilities. Maybe a Madlib-style pic and description? Like one for the guy with the reverse-mullet bike...etc.

Commiecanuk said...

Good to see Floyd Landis picking up some work on M.I.L.F. hunter, he's got huge legal bills to pay.

Dating advice from fixed gear bikers:
1. Try to co-ordinate the date with bath day for that month.
2. Use electrical tape to block out all instances of "fuck" on your ride.
3. Share an activity, like riding by Cervelo owners and "pwning" them, like its a race or something, then enjoy the smugness with dinner.
4. Lock the seat posts only, for the inevitable dine-and-dash.

"Ecosexual" dating sites are now proliferating as expectations lower in the 00s, one can only expect "Pistasexual" dating to take off in the next year.

Matthew McManImsogay certainly knows what he is doing with that hose, note the 90 degree bend directed away from the face.

Commiecanuk said...

http://www.funda-mantels.com/

The plural of funda is fundaes.

http://www.nefunda.com/

"Funda came from the word fundamentals, the core or logic of something. Explore how these funda's can charge you. Funda is fun, Funda is cool, Here you will find Funda for Love, Fun, Life Style"

Bad news, funda.ca and funda.tv have already been parked for URLs.

Commiecanuk said...

I do like how the porn site has blurred out the names on the jerseys, "Cannondale: we support CERA and EPO doping, steroids, etc., but sex? no way."

That was an example of shimanosexual dating. There are illicit websites hosted in Brazil of Campy-shimanosexual activity, but providing that link could land me in 'gitmo.

Commiecanuk said...

ok, enough already.

ice cube said...

I have no idea how to answer the eternal question of "why I ride a fixed?" I have often thought of some logical reason but everytime I attempt to enunciate it the words come out all wrong. I was asked outside of a bar why by a group of people and all that came out was it looked like fun??? How the hell does someone explain why they ride at all?? Some have these really complex explainations?? Isn't it about fun? Enjoying the ride? Getting out and tooling around?

Anonymous said...

Gross. Notice the giant chunk of shit in cover of the shitpipe Matt M. is handling? with no gloves I might add.

kale said...

I just say I do it because I'm training.

Training for what?

...

Anonymous said...

i have never worn shoes besides vans since like 6th grade... but this is rediculous. thought you'd find it funny.

http://shop.vans.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/product2_10001_33607_10101_569520_-1

ken e. said...

"funda-mantels" ??? i am so ready for my cloak of happiness/thunder. stay tuned for the documentary/ manifesto/ coffee-table book on why embracing 10 speeds is so right now! (it will be back dated six weeks, 'cause that's how long the chain lasted and right now it's over.

Strayhorn said...

commiecanuck said: I do like how the porn site has blurred out the names on the jerseys, "Cannondale: we support CERA and EPO doping, steroids, etc., but sex? no way."

Dude, thanks. I've been squinting at that for the last half hour trying to figure out what it said under the pixilation.

Anonymous said...

The fundadork is all forked up.

Snacks said...

Thought this fit in: http://www.teampegasuscycling.com/?page_id=4

Also thought I'd shamelessly plug the calendar of bikes and ladies I put together!

Commiecanuk said...

strayhorn, so it's true what they say about eventually going blind?

Strayhorn said...

Commiecanuck wanted to know: so it's true what they say about eventually going blind?

I'll have to get back to you on that. I'm late to have my palms waxed.

Critical Ass said...

Commie,

us fixsters would never never dine-n-dash 'specially on r fellow service industry 'bros and besides we got the hookup at all the cool places 2 eat and drink & also my girl has fuck on her ride more than 7 times if u count the spoke cards so I don't thnk she is 2 offended by the f-bombs on my ride or by my fuck u haters tat either.

two_wheels_good said...

To be fair, it seemed like the Nerve article was meant to be kind of tongue-in-cheek. They have other articles like "Dating Advice from Liquor Store Employees" and "Dating Advice from Handwriting Experts" which taken into context is kind of amusing. Though I forgot to hop over to LiquorStoreEmployeeSnobNyc to see if they got the joke or not.

Wutz said...

Snob, great post. I just wanted to extend the good words your way.

Excellent stuff that somehow doesn't offend the ones (triathletes & fixed riders) that you're insulting. It's a skill that can be super-useful.

Have you ever thought about going in to politics? Where else (besides this site) could you insult your constituency over and over only to see them clamoring back to your freshly-shined shoes for the chance to feed on the scraps dropping from the sides of your mouth (or keyboard)?

Jim said...

Starbucks? Ever drink their espresso?

Anonymous said...

Re: Porn link #2. That's not Frilly and BGW, is it?

bk jimmy said...

Kale -

Or how about a Mad Fold-In?

kale said...

...too hard to program in flash...

frilly said...

Jim, this is the curse of roadie lust. I would sew a chamois into my boy shorts if I thought they could look away from their cateye's long enough to notice.

tex said...

Funda, Dewd!

wishiwerepithy said...

Funda is named after the Bay of Funda, which has the second highest (and most fun) tides in the world, of course. Sheesh.

ant1 said...

Frilly - Try mountain biking, where such things as power meter are rarely seen, and eye-candy is always appreciated. Lord knows how many times I've fallen in love passing (or getting passed by) a girl on a mountain bike.

kale said...

Plus mountains are the perfect place to pull the old "I've got a flat..." pickup line.

dmitri fofonov said...

frumunda sounds very much similar to фрумундя which is from Tatar dialect to mean "having carnal relations with goat". Creepy, no?

Self-appointed expert on the subject said...

I have a headache from staring at the nonplussed journalist.

frilly said...

Ant & Kale-I have hiked a local trail here that mtb riders use. Horses use the same trail also, so there is manure to be dealt with, ewww. There is a sign at the trailhead for mtb riders that states if riding alone, to be sure someone knows of your whereabouts. wtf?

Unless there is somebody in the StL area that can show me the ropes...I don't know, looks kinda scary.

Oh, btw, I actually have a mtn bike. Its a bigger POS than my road bike, but I do have one.

red neckerson said...

that girl dont look like no hater when she was sucking lance dickstrongs balls

ant1 said...

Frilly - you should go on a sorba (or whatever off road biking association can be found in StL) trail building/maintenance day. You won't have to do any actual riding and can check out potential rope show-ers.

ant1 said...

pun intended

leroy said...

Well talk about your poorly thought out business model.

Don't those folks from 3T know that no God-fearing cyclist is going to swap out his or her forks for 3T's upgrade?

I thought everyone was familiar with the edict "To what God has joined together let no man put a Funda."

Oh well, could have been worse. They might have hired Cadel Evans as their spokesperson.

Then we'd have to endure pitches like this:

Mr. Evans endorses the Funda.
“It’s my fork of choice in the Down–Unda.
But if they snap, you walk home,”
Quips the Beyond Thunda Gnome.
“I just pray God don't rend them asunda.”

(What? Don't look at me like that. Ant1 started with the puns.)

BikeSnobNYC said...

Leroy,

Ant1 may have started with the puns, but you just stole his Funda.

Making puns is like picking your nose. It offends others, but it feels so good it's worth it.

--RTMS

zak said...

perhaps these guys can help you with your dilemma.

http://www.cyclelifeusa.com/index.php

they seem to have something

ken e. said...

nice hip frilly. someone please "POS" stands for what?

AnnaZed said...

There is a sign at the trailhead for mtb riders that states if riding alone, to be sure someone knows of your whereabouts. wtf?

Just like hiking into a wilderness area you could be injured and not noticed (even in lace underpants). Happened to a customer of mine who went down a ravine and spent the night there. At least his wife knew he was out there somewhere, so the forrest service guys looked for him. They even came by our store to find out if we knew what tires he was rolling(to look for the distinctive tracks) - we did know and gave them one. He had been knocked out (even with his helmet on) then he roamed for miles in the wrong direction. His $4,000 mountain bike was never found, but he was - cold and disoriented.

None of this is rocket science; is that post part of your dumb "I'm so sexy" chic shtick?

frilly said...

No. I'm just saying that it seems a little risky. The bike paths I normally ride just have the usual shit about no littering, etc., not warnings about falling off cliffs & down ravines. Nothing sexy about that.

I usually prefer to ride alone, however doesn't seem like a good idea trail riding alone. At least not the first few times, if ever.

bikesgonewild said...

...dmitriy fofonov...you say "фрумундя" like that's a bad thing...

...btw, way to pull the wool over the eyes of the uci on that "muscle cramp" stimulant thingy...nice touch...

...that wool come from the family herds out on the steppes ???...a favorite "pet" goat perhaps ???...

...hey, hey, easy now...just askin'...

AnnaZed said...

Anytime you wander into the ecotone to hike, cycle, camp or whatever; someone back home should know where you are. I was just saying that is hardly a wtf type of thing, just logic. Nothing to do with creeps with spare rope, just common sense.

Maybe in your case, not recomended if you feel that it is unsafe; it probably is.

A friend of mine who was on his mountain bike on the trails above Arcadia, CA encountered a mountain lion recently. He's big guy, but he was freaked.

I am usually alone on my bike, but also usually on a paved street. The worst that could happen is that my CO2 could be used up and then my pump could fail and I might have to hoist the bike onto the front of the bus.

Though I work for a mountain bike manuacturer, I don't trail ride myself. Climbing, mud, roots, rocks ~ ech, but my guys and girls (know as dirt skits) who do it are fanatics.

frilly said...

Agreed about the riding on pavement, lions & tigers & bears are usually not an issue. I guess thats why I was kinda surprised when I read that. And I was with friends that day cuz wandering around the woods alone just doesn't seem like a good idea ever, period. Too many freaks.
I would try it if I had somebody to go with. Why not, looks fun.

frilly said...

I don't live my life in fear by any means, however as a single woman, I tend to be more cautious. Especially in unknown situations. I'm not totally without.

And, btw, who said I'm not a rocket scientist?

Just kidding. Lighten up already, sheesh.

bgw-that's just wrong!

Anonymous said...

I'd rather a fit and firm MILF than some flabby teenage jailbait!

Professor Andy Pandy said...

Well I am a budding rocket scientist. Allows you to wear long white coats,sandals, inch thick glasses( which approximate a bad evening on illicit chemicals) and spikey hair like you put your pinky in a power point. And you can blow things up. What more , other than Ms Pinarello Prince would you want in life

derrickito said...

please oh please, if you havent covered the topic of negative riser bars.. please do so soon.

i made you a graphic to help illustrate the point:

http://clarknewmedia.com/junk/itobike.jpg

bklyn74 said...

Useless info: I noticed almost all of the French riders in this year's Tour had their sunglasses under their helmet straps. All the Cofidis and FDJeux guys anyway. WTF? The End.

Knuckles said...

FUND APRO

Alimuddin Shahid said...

I'm a mountain biker currently looking for a roadbike... stumble into your blog.. nice really like it!

All Mountain Bike Action

Anonymous said...

The fork name is clearly a reference to the AC/DC song indicating that the fork will do your dirty work for you.

"dirty deeds... fun-da cheap!" (or fun-da cheese, if you prefer).

streepo said...

I'm sort of funda all the puns in the comments.

Continue enjoying your PM, commie.

Anonymous said...

Surly and Ahearne do it better, with better booze ...

http://www.webcyclery.com/product.php?productid=16571&cat=0&page=1

http://www.ahearnecycles.com/pages/flaskholster.html

nman said...

Kurt Loder must be the Devil in disguise if he's telling you to get Microshift. Jeez, don't you even read reviews? Will all your rantings and ravings have you no sense of quality? And mix-matching shifters? OMG, WTH? You gotta be freakin' kidding me. At least get some 105 or Rival on clearance somewhere. GAWD!

Anonymous said...

POS = Point of Sale, Program of Study, PPP over SONET, Probability of Success, Part of Speech,

But I don't know which part of speech Frilly intends for describing her bicycles. A noun makes sense.

Anonymous said...

POS = piece of shite

Anonymous said...

AYHS MPOS

Commiecanuk said...

Thanks critical ass, I didn't know one could access these comments from a cell phone.

Commiecanuk said...

Streepo, we will all enjoy another 6 months-4years of "L'il Bush".

streepo said...

commie,
surely you can get a motion of no confidence passed before then.

And your Floyd Landis joke was priceless. Made me have to change my diaper.

kale said...

The real reason McConaughey is nonplussed

ice cube said...

SNOBBY,


SRAM RED/FORCE/RIVAL GROUPSET
$725.00 IN THE CLASSIFIEDS???

NEVER USED, IN BOX???

Wade said...

More sordid cycling news:

http://bikeportland.org/2008/10/14/the-bicyclists-coming-to-a-theater-and-billboard-near-you/

Nick said...

Cosmic Loder and the MILf hunter in one post. Matt Pinfield is rolling over in his grave,,,

Bruce said...

G'day cobbers I'm frumdownunda. Tie me kangeroo down sport.

BrianJohnsonKermitFrog said...

I was caught
In the middle of a railroad track (funda)
I looked 'round,
And I knew there was no turning back (funda)
My mind raced
And I thought what could I do? (Funda)
And I knew
There was no help, no help from you (Funda)
Sound of the drums
Beatin' in my heart
The funda of guns!
Tore me apart
You've been - fundastruck!

BrianJohnsonKermitFrog said...

what? no one can top that shit!~

didn't thinks oh. posers.

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure why you commented about the guy wearing a helmet visor on the road. As long as the visor transmit's 50 percent or more of visible light, it is safe and legal.

Regarding the shades under the helmet strap, I would think this is to make the shades more secure. Again, I don't see anything particularly remarkable there.

Anonymous said...

Unless I'm mistaken, the M*I*L*F Hunter (MILFH)is rubbing one of the new Schwinn Varsities, which Wal-Mart will let you take home for $250. I have to admit, I would have expected him to be on a more "mature" model.

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