This Just In: I'm Giving Away A Free Bike Because I Don't Need It!

Firstly, as a number of people pointed out last week, the blog you are currently reading has been nominated for two "Bloggies." (Just to clarify, I'm referring to this blog, not the "Gossip Girl" fan blog you have open in another browser window.) Moreover, it has been nominated in both the "Best Sports Weblog" category:


As well as the "Best Writing of a Weblog" category:

Both of these nominations are highly ironic, since not only is my knowledge of and interest in the world of sports beyond cycling nonexistent, but I'm also proan to typoes and mostly ignorant to the rules on grammer. Plus, I don't really stand a chance anyway, since I'm pitted against the ruthlessly self-promoting and violently affable "Fat Cyclist," who will no doubt lumber away with the majority of the cycling vote as his fat rolls jiggle triumphantly.

In fact, when I first learned of the nomination I was going to ignore it altogether, since not only do I resent having to compete with a more deserving colleague and fellow bike dork, but also because you don't even win any money, so who really cares, right? However, after a weekend of contemplation, I decided to at least mention it, since I'm planning to "jump the shark" around springtime-ish and figured I could use an award or two in my Rapha cap (yes, Rapha makes a shark-jumping hat). Plus, I looked up the award in a popular user-generated Internet encyclopedia and the entry mentioned that the Bloggies are covered by "Express India." That's the sort of press that can send you straight to the top faster than a pair of rocket-powered underpants. So, I will reluctantly ask you to go the Bloggies website and vote for me--but only if you feel like it. Also, keep in mind that Fat Cyclist is also nominated for "Weblog of the Year," so if you don't want to snub the Chubster then you can vote for him there and then vote for this blog in the other categories. (Incidentally, I don't want to call Fatty a fraud or anything, but I do feel I should mention that I've met him in person and I'm much fatter than he is. Actually, I think I outweighed both him and his companion combined. So please take that into account as you cast your ballot.)

Moving on, there is only one phrase sweeter than "You've been nominated for a Bloggie," and that phrase is, "We'd like to give you a free Scattante." Yes, as difficult as it is to believe, I recently got to hear that one too--my life is just that charmed. As longtime readers may recall, about a year ago I received a Scattante Empire State Courier from mail-order retail giant Performance, which was basically a half-assed after-the-fact acknowledgement subsequent to their "borrowing" a bunch of "memes" from my blog. Anyway, it turns out they're about to "drop" a whole new line of Scattante "courier series" bikes, and I guess when Performace rips you off you automatically win some sort of "a Scattante a year for life sweepstakes," because they recently offered to send me a brand new "courier" bike of my choice.

The thing is, I need a new Scattante about as much as Prolly needs another fitted cap, or as much as Stevil needs another beer hand-down, or as much as Fatty needs another ham and cheese croissant. This is not to say there's anything wrong with my current Scattante. On the contrary, I actually use it a lot, and it's still perfectly serviceable even after I ran into the back of a beer truck with it this past summer (though I did have to replace the fork, at a cost of approximately $15). However, as I've said before, I believe it's a sin to refuse a free bike, and I realized that while I don't need the thing there are probably plenty of other people out there who do. So I told Performance I'd rather give the bike away to a reader instead and they agreed.

Of course, choosing a recipient requires some sort of selection process, so this forces me to run a "contest." As a cycling blogger, I often hear the laments of people who have lost their bicycles to theft, and I figure if anybody needs a free bike it's somebody who lost theirs in this manner. So here's how the contest will work. If you or somebody close to you has had a bicycle stolen recently, please send your story (via words, or video, or narrative cartoon, or song, or whatever emailable medium is most comfortable for you) to me at bikesnobnyc(at)yahoo(dot)com with the subject line "I DISPARATELY NEED A BIEK!" You must send your story before 12:01 AM EST on Saturday, January 30th, and it should address the following:

1) Where you live;

2) How old you are;

3) How many bikes you currently own;

4) How your bike got stolen;

5) What you used it for and why you need a replacement.

Please keep your submission as succinct as possible. While special consideration will be given for entertainment value, the most important factor in determining a winner will be need. (If your bike was stolen despite being securely locked and you need a new one to get to work or school you could win; if your unlocked bike was stolen from in front of a bar and you need a new one for bar-crawling you will lose.) While I have no way of verifying your tale, I urge you to be honest and not to fabricate "sob stories." Also, keep in mind that I may post any entries I receive.

Once the submissions are in, I will choose a winner, either by jury, or by vote, or simply at my own discretion, and that winner will be able to pick from any of the new Scattante Americano Courier Series Single Speeds, which you can see here on the Performance blog. While the "colourwheys" are a subjective matter, I will say that I have been able to "run" my Scattante with actual full coverage fenders (as opposed to the spindly-looking ones in the pictures) and 25c tires as well as a rear rack ("P clamps" required for the seat stays, though) which means you can turn this into a reasonably practical city bike with minimal investment. Also, Performance will throw in their "Spin Doctor Pro Bike Build," so your desperately-needed bicycle should be ready to roll as soon as it arrives at your door.

Most importantly, here's the Official Contest Graphic:

And here's the Official Contest FAQ:

Is this some sort of slimy arrangement to promote Performance?

No. It's simply an attempt to give someone a free bike that I don't need. What could possibly be slimy about that? Taking it for myself and then putting it on eBay would be slimy.

Is this some sort of slimy attempt to win "Bloggies" votes?

No, though if I win, the new Scattante owner is free to travel to wherever they give the "Bloggie" and accept it on my behalf (at his or her own expense, and provided I don't feel like going at the time).

Is this some sort of slimy attempt to rip off Fat Cyclist, the King of Bike Giveaways?

Absolutely.

I don't like any of those Scattantes. What can I do?

Uh, it's free. Either don't enter the contest, or just beat the crap out of the bike like I did.

How much does a fully-loaded Scattante weigh?

The answer to that question is "NSFW."

Can you barspin a Scattante?

No. If you plan to use your Scattante for "barspinzzz" then you will be disqualified from the contest.

How did you hit a beer truck?

Hard.

What does "Scattante" mean anyway?

The answer to that question is really "NSFW."

So there it is. Best of luck, and I look forward to hearing from you.

--BSNYC/RTMS