Swallowing Pride: Changing Your Approach

Further to yesterday's post, there was an outpouring of disdain for the "Pizza Fixation" installment of the new "Pedaling" webular video series. While some might take this to mean that prospects for the follow-up episode (I believe it will be called "Fixies and Frankfurters") are bleak, I prefer to be optimistic. The truth is, some of our most cherished television shows started out with little promise. The first episode of "The Simpsons" was little more than some crudely drawn characters grumbling at each other; the pilot episode of what would eventually become "Seinfeld" simply featured a WASPy guy named Chet alone in a New York City apartment; and the "Harry and the Hendersons" TV series never really picked up steam until it was tweaked and retitled "The Sopranos" nearly a decade later.

Similarly, "Pedaling" may find its legs eventually, though it might require some retooling. I think it would be far more interesting if, instead of seeking out fancy foods, the focus was on the search for public restrooms. Even in post-Whole Foodsification New York City the population is still extremely diverse. Any idiot with a Yelp "app" and $9 can find a great meal in about three minutes, since pretty much every block here is full of people willing to either prepare you a meal of regional exotica for the price of a bucket of chicken at KFC, or else sell you the raw materials to cook it yourself. Public restrooms on the other hand are far more elusive and require much more savvy to locate. I would suggest to the producers that in future they open right up with the eating and then spend the rest of the episode following the principals as they attempt to locate a bathroom before their digestive systems get the better of them and abdominal distress sets in. Instead of Whole Foods, they could co-brand it with Starbucks, which is of course New York City's de facto public toilet.

In any case, if some of us are dismayed by the poor quality of cycling-themed filmmaking, we have only ourselves to blame. It turns out that "legitimate" filmmakers are literally frightened to approach the subject, since according to a recent New York Times article forwarded to me by a number of readers we're frightening them away at knifepoint. Here's Academy Award-obtaining director Oliver Stone recounting his harrowing encounter with a New York City cyclist:

I'm not sure I believe this actually happened, but if it did I implore all cyclists to sheathe their blades and stop their salmoning ways immediately. Tragically, the rogue Stone encountered may very well have deprived us of the cycling equivalent of "Wall Street"--though one could just as easily argue that this makes the rogue a hero.

Either way, some people feel that cycling already has its own Gordon Gekko in the form of Lance Armstrong, and they have gotten carried away with the notion of him as some sort of nefarious cycling supervillain. Frankly, I don't see it--there's just nothing that villainous about professional bike racers. In the spectrum of evil they rank somewhere between gymnasts and tailors. However, this is not to say Armstrong is not capable of scheming. For example, here he is covered with yarn in a transparent attempt to seduce Raggedy Ann:

Clearly, Armstrong has moved into the "absurd" phase of his preparation for the 2010 Tour de France under the supervision of former Garmin physiologist Dr. Allen Lim. Incidentally, Lim's move to Armstrong's team was also regarded by some as villainous, though if going to work for Radio Shack counts as villainy then there are a lot of high school equivalency graduates out there selling headphones in shopping malls who should be behind bars.

As you may already know, the program Lim is "curating" for Tour dominance seems to hinge on Armstrong constantly swallowing tiny thermometers. Apparently, swallowing measuring devices is the next big thing in professional cycling and has already resulted in an arms race of sorts--Alberto Contador has reportedly been swallowing barometers, and Andy Schleck was recently hospitalized after ingesting a 25-foot Stanley PowerLock tape measure. As I understand it (which is poorly), the thermometer thing is about figuring out how to keep the athlete cool, and, like everything else the pros do, thermal regulation will eventually make its way down to the Cat. 4 field. If you're a lower-category racer, expect to line up next to somebody with a fan hat, a Popsicle suppository, and a CVS thermometer making its way through his intestines this coming season.

In addition to making his riders swallow things, Dr. Lim also likes to choose their food--though unlike the "fixie crew" he prefers outdoor markets to Whole Foods:

Bradley Wiggins's desperation to find a restroom at the end of the Verbier stage after swallowing an entire red pepper could indeed be what led to his unexpectedly high finish in last year's Tour.

Given the efficacy of swallowing things whole, one wonders if the Cervelo Test Team will change its approach this year. As of last year, a reader informs me they were still going with the somewhat more New-Agey "body self development system therapist" (see "Tour de France part 4" at the bottom of the page):

From what I can tell, his method is to get riders in touch with their emotions through the ancient practice of groinal massage:

(Carlos Sastre pretending this isn't happening.)

Finally, if you still haven't gotten the taste of the "fixie crew's" exploits out of your mouth, you can go visit someone called the "Hungry Cyclist." Instead of riding his fixie to Whole Foods for kombucha, he seems to prefer killing wild boars:

That will fill out your messenger bag nicely.