Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Street Cred's Not Dead: Rebellion and Cycling

Further to yesterday's post, I'm pleased to report that as of this morning my condition has improved significantly. While I still feel as wobbly as a Nü-Fred on his first IRO, I can at least meet the minimal physical requirements of blogging, and I attribute this to the tremendous outpouring of support I was fortunate enough to receive. Indeed, my so-called "in-box" was deluged with e-mailed well-wishings numbering in the mid-single digits. I even received a virtual get well card from Erik K that was so salacious it took me two Opinionated Cyclists and a Larry King just to render it safe for public consumption:

Even this repulsive censorshipway is scarcely sufficient to obscure its tremendous healing power.

As far as the nature of my illness, as everybody knows the very best thing to do when sick is to diagnose yourself via the Internet, so that's exactly what I did. After much searching I came to the conclusion that I had been bitten by the dreaded beaked sea snake of South Asia. Even though I had not been swimming in any waters, much less those surrounding the coastal islands of India in which the beaked sea snake is most commonly found, I also knew that Internet forums are very rarely wrong, and that beaked sea snake venom is incredibly toxic. Since I probably had even fewer days left on this Earth than I had well-wishings in my "in-box", I summoned my family from the tuber farm and they were gracious enough to take a break from fighting the powerful vegan food lobby (an evil cadre of botanists is now claiming that the potato plant is carnivorous) in order to keep a vigil around my sick bed. As the sun set, they rubbed me with peeled russets in order to keep my fever down, and in a hoarse and feeble voice I bequeathed my worldly possessions to them. (Paw got my Scattante, sis got my Rapha silk scarf, and so forth.) Eventually, though, my fever broke and the sun rose, and realizing I might indeed pull through I reclaimed all my possessions and sent them home amidst a hail of recriminations.

As for the cause of my illness, while I have not ruled out the bite of the beaked sea snake, I'd be remiss if I didn't consider other possibilities too. Perhaps I acquired it during a weekend of frigid offroad riding:

(Now that I think about it, I was bitten by a Yeti at one point, though that happens pretty much every time I go to New Jersey.)

Also, I did travel by subway recently, and one never knows what sorts of germs other passengers are carrying. For example, I could have caught a rare European metalhead-borne illness;

Also, some months ago a reader forwarded me this photo of a "hipster" traveling on the subway with a pot of chili (presumably it was too unwieldy to transport by fixed-gear):

It could be that I had eaten in a restaurant that had served me food that had been transported by subway and consequently infected by European metalheads.

I also thought back to the last time I had traveled by airplane, and recalled that I had sat next to somebody wearing both a face mask and what appeared to be a non-Rapha silk scarf:

While I had assumed that this was to protect her against rare European metalhead-borne illnesses, I now realize that it could have been she who was the carrier, and that the inferior quality of her off-brand silk schmatta had allowed her to pass it on to me.

Or, it could have something to do with the woman wearing a clown nose and a middle-aged mullet (or "MAM") who I encountered on a different leg of that very same trip:

Though the trip took place some time ago, I could be suffering from late-onset coulrophobia.

In any case, my woes pale clown-like in comparison to those of Milwaukee's bike polo players, who a reader informs me were forced to spend a harrowing night in jail for trespassing:


Here is one player's mugshotway:

("In just" is "Unjust 2.0.")

And here is an excerpt from the gripping first-person account:

A black crystler rolled up 3 deep with undercover sheriffs. The sheriffs sprung out of the car instantly “every one come here and against the wall!” They count us out 11. Cop says “I thought there were 12″ Lodi had snuck out 5 mins before the bust. They tell us all that we are under arrest and will be receiving trespassing tickets $263 each. We tryed to talk our way out of it and that edabout 30 seconds. One by one we give our info and receive a ticket. We are then explained by one of the officers that we are being detained and no is under arrest his exact words are “if you are asked by a cop or employer have you ever been arrested say no.” We all got zipped tied it was explained to us that we will be going downtown to be processed and released and that it shouldn’t take too long “it’s just like a speeding ticket” they kept insuring us, except when you get a speeding ticket you don’t go to jail right?

While this treatment does seem a bit harsh, it also seems to have come after multiple warnings, and the fact is that while playing ball where you're not supposed to isn't that big a deal, it's a little different when all the participants are all adults. When the neighborhood kids accidentally send a baseball through a window that's just boys being boys; but when the "neighborhood kids" are legal adults with full beards and have already been scolded repeatedly it's reasonable to expect a bit more accountability from them. Then again, it is 2010, and the fact is that your 20s are now your "teens 2.0" and you're not expected to act like an actual "adult" until you're in your late 30s. At the same time, our country's infrastructure has yet to catch up, and so there's a dire lack of play space for the new generation of grown-up children. This means that they're either forced to steal places to play from actual children, or else commandeer them from actual adults, and until our cities and towns provide them with grown-up playgrounds there will only be more incidents like this one. And of course, because this particular instance of playing ball where you're not supposed to involved bicycles, there's an added layer of self-righteousness--the poloists have now been dubbed the "Milwaukee Polo 11" and will be receiving a fundraiser, presumably to defray their mallet replacement costs.

This is not to say that I am not concerned. Indeed, coming shortly after Milwaukee's famous "fancy riding" ban this trend is somewhat disturbing. Still, at least bike polo has now received the same essential infusion of "street cred" that fixed-gear freestyling got from the "fancy riding" legislation. In fact, polo may have bunny-hopped over fixed-gear freestyling altogether, since another reader informs me that the completely a-street-credulous Wall Street Journal believes it could be a "ray of fiscal hope" in the San Francisco Bay Area:

Fiscal hope is just not street-credible.

So whither true "street cred" in cycling? Perhaps we must look unto Rock Racing, who have been denied a Professional Continental license by the UCI:


Perhaps the UCI didn't like the Rock Racing "Anarchy Bib Short:"

Yes, their rocks are not dead, even after hours in the saddle.

111 comments:

David said...

1st! DMK!!

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

podium!

Jefe said...

Top Ten! First Time.

Anonymous said...

podium

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Strayhorn said...

Those are, easily, the ugliest bibs I have ever seen.

I'm sure they will sell by the boxcar load.

And where's the uncensored photo for those of us in need of some healing after two weeks of sub-freezing temps here in the South?

HUNTER MARCKS said...

TOP TEN!!!!!!!

Visegripmikey said...

Rocks!

ant1 said...

maybe the arrest was "in jest"

Astroluc said...

SNOBBY LIVES

CAMPIONE CYCLES CALGARY said...

The picture of the guy on the elliptical training "bike" blew my mind. I realized my life's calling: to organize the elliptical training "bike" world championships. Dibs on the acronym ET"B"WCs and the slogan "Our World Champions are the douchiest".

Jefe said...

"A black crystler rolled up 3 deep with undercover sheriffs."

I will be haunted for weeks. I can only assume that is some huge tactical unit with gun turrets and anti-bike devices. And those poor boys only had mallets.

Anonymous said...

Glad your feeling a bit better Snob. It must have been all those cockles, gotta stay away from the cockles.

ringcycles said...

Could Michael Ball be over compensating for something? Just asking.

Astroluc said...

you're not expected to act like an actual "adult" until you're in your late 30s

oh thank god... times runnin' out, though!

Oh, and Snobby... I read that European Metal-head fever (or whatever it is they were incubating) is "Healthy 2.0"

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear your rocks aren't dead, too, Snobby. I really wish the cycling world would just ban white cycling shorts altogether. TMI, people, TMI.

hillbilly said...

glad to hear you're feeling better!

you forgot an "i":
spend a harrowng night in jail for trespassing:

samh said...

Mr. Snob,

Please note your use of a word which might become a trend if not remedied quickly. "...fixed-gear frestyling".

Sincerely,
Sam H.

Daddo said...

need that pic unaltered please

Anonymous said...

Lol,same position I claim in a Prospect park cat 5!

ben miracle said...

you should ask your mom for a copy

Bad Lawyer said...

Nice recovery, Snob!

Anonymous Coward said...

SNOBWELL

RCKDNIED

S.T. Vockrodt said...

From the airplane photo...does BSNYC fly Frontier?

Stupid Name said...

Apparently Milwaukee police are putting the hate on bicycles, and need to remove hipsters from the city.
Injust = unjust?
Crystler = Chrysler?
edabout = lasted?
insuring us = reassuring us?
They must be Marquette Students.

The problem is that everybody from Milwaukee looks like that guy, especially the women.

http://www.jsonline.com/news/milwaukee/37416959.html

You know those bike-polo guys are pretty shady, imagine using a park for its intended purposes.

I guess they want them to go to chicago or madison.

Anonymous said...

The bike polo miscreant looks like the Mad Magazine guy with a beard.

Anonymous said...

STAR WARS

grog said...

beaked sea snake venom can be picked up from toilet seats, yknow.
Enjoy your new healthiness.

leroy said...

BSNYC -- Glad to hear you are on the mend.

I too am better (an unimpressive accomplishment given my baseline) and have learned two things.

First, Santayana was right. Those who cannot remember hipster subway chili are condemned to repeat it.

And second, when riding porcelain bathroom appliances for extended periods, one cannot overemphasize the importance of the full aero tuck position. I think Jobst Brandt said that.

leroy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Wrench Monkey said...

I rock a middle aged mallet.

mikeweb said...

"This way to the Egress!"

Anonymous said...

This one guy I know who got bit in Ceylon... his sister got the beaked sea nake venom from him, OFF OF THE TOILET SEAT.

sufferist said...

Cycling News needs an editway on their article since the first sentence in the article reads that RR will get the license. I think they missed an all important "not" in their sentence. I know it's very late 80's/early 90's, but in the case of a logical modifier it does serve an important function to maintain coherency and consistency with the article's title.

They also spelled license with two c's. I think they may be taking editorial styling queues from the funky bunch in Milwaukee.

sufferist said...

After further research, I can see my error. RR will maintain their current UCI Continental Team status and not be upgraded to the UCI Professional Continental level.

They still spelled license incorrectly though. (And, I contend, wrote an intentionally imprecise article, just to trip me up, write a blog comment on BSNYC and show myself as a stupid. Basetards....)

innerlighter said...

Snob,
My guess is you picked up something on the plane. Seems like your Lobster God was watching over you too since the guy to the right of the mask wearer appears to have died.

yikes!

I mean, meh.

youaretheengine said...

It's fitting that Rock Racing's team kit comes in the date rape colourway. Roofies in the jersey pockets and a ban on safety words. How could the UCI deny that?

db said...

That news about Rock Racing just made my day.

@ sufferist: Cycling News is a UK publication, where "licence" is an accepted spellingway.
.

innerlighter said...

Strayhorn,
Are you sure Rock's bibs are the ugliest?
I submit for your approval Footon Servetto.

That's just wrong

Anonymous said...

I Second Daddo's motion.

sufferist said...

BSNYC: Innerlight brings up an important issue, can "meh" be substituted for "yikes"? I thought that it was more like a "whatever" or a verbal equivalent to a shoulder shrug. Living in Oklahoma, I do not encounter "meh" usage in the wild very often. It is used in my family, but only in accordance with my understanding as stated above. Any help is appreciated.

innerlighter said...

yikes is "meh 2.0"

Dave said...

Holy Crap I fear for the children of Milwaukee if the arrestee and his first hand account are representative of the graduates of the school system. Unless 20s are the new pre-adolescents.

But I am glad you feel better Snobbie

Pontius Pilate said...

HAIL CSZR

-P.P.

esau bin necker said...

that rocefin injection must of helped in a big hurry

ether that or you gots better becos i sacrificed a goat in your honor yesterday

dont tell rikim it was kind of his girlfriend if you know what im saying

i probably done the goat a favor by putting it out of its misery come to think about it

Bad Lawyer said...

http://badlawyernyc.blogspot.com/2010/01/joking-about-gilligans-island-while.html

I would urge caution in travel these days as one can easily catch not only a virus, but also a felony.

Anonymous said...

what the F does edabout mean? Is that some sort of midwest ebonics? Someone has suffered one too many polo mallet blows to the head.

Dave Wyman said...

Glad to hear you are better, BS. Try to cough up as much Flemish as possible. ;-)

cheva said...

top fifty. Can we get a bigger podium?

CommieCanuck said...

A miracle! on the second day, he rose gain!..as if the great lobster had anointed him with the great Clarified butter of Clarification™*.

Legions of disciples have been walking around Brooklyn wearing lobster bibs and carrying claw breakers in support of the holy one.
Yea, as the prophesy predicted, he arose once again in a cloud of bitterness to mock those with dead rocks.

Lobster has spoken. Praise Lobster.

*12.99/lb this week at Whole Foods.

Cyclin' Missy said...

Glad you're feeling a little better. Here's wishing a full and speedy recovery!

There Their They're said...

Ach, that spelling & grammar! I'd send them to jail just for being knuckleheaded, and I wouldn't let them out again until they completed high school English.

On second thought, to hell with it. Let's just make being under the age of 25 against the law. There, now isn't that better?

iamameatpopsicle said...

this post's comments read like it's from a news website article about a cyclist getting hit. all anonymous vitrol. the milwaukee bike polo people have been playing in that garage for YEARS. as far as i know they haven't ever received a warning.

Strayhorn said...

innerlighter -

Geebus - a uniform that makes a professional cyclist look fat. That's actually an accomplishment.

iamameatpopsicle said...

in addition, it's the true sign of an imbecile when one's entire cause for anger is the spelling and punctuation of another.

Vanessa said...

Firstly, been a fan of your blog for 2 years. As a fellow bike polo player, I feel the need to remind your readers that the Midwest is not in need of "grown-up playgrounds" but rather simple open public spaces.

Financially struggling Midwest cities simply don't have the funds for public spaces, including parks, tennis courts, roller hockey rinks, etc. The public spaces which ARE available are deteriorating, dangerous or not lit at night.

As a tax paying, 28 year old accountant working a 9-5 job with benefits, I do NOT consider myself a grown-up child, but rather a Midwesterner passionate about cycling and bicycle polo.

Anonymous said...

No link to the uncensored get-well-soon card? What gives?

Salty Seattle said...

Day 12: New Year's Resolution over.

Dear Mr. Ball-

Your recent team artwork serves to display a woeful lack of self-esteem. Much like a tramp stamp on a well-rounded "personality", further decoration of crotchal lycra, is quite unnecessary.

CommieCanuck said...

Gee..Ball populates a team exclusively with ex-dopers, runs out of money mid-season, then wonders why he does have a Pro license.

He's going to be stuck with a lot of overpriced, tacky crabon bikes.

Test Tickle said...

meat pop:

i do concur. it's funny how everyone gangs up on the "weakest link," as named because BSNYC pokes a little fun at cyclists ... ALL TYPES OF CYCLISTS. so when someone joins in it's like mob mentality on the comments board.

bike polo players are cyclists, after all. i know a 24-hour solo world champion who is also a dedicated polo player. does it make him lame? no. just someone enjoying what he likes to do and hanging out with other like minded folks.

and he's probably not sitting behind a computer right now, which the haters on this post, in fact, are.

now i await for the ridicule that will undoubtedly be written towards me and this post, amen....

balls.

The Harrier said...

Snob,

try starving. i didn't know you were still writing after your brush with major publications. seriously, man up. keep it brutal!

boom boom boom,
the harrier

ant1 said...

popsicle - regarding "entire cause for anger", where's the anger? it seems people are happy to have someone to make fun of rather than being angered.

CommieCanuck said...

i know a 24-hour solo world champion who is also a dedicated polo player. does it make him lame? no.

Yes.

Just The Messenger said...

Didn't rock racing vandalize the UCI headquarters? I'm pretty sure BSNYC even covered it. They should be denied more than just an upgrade for doing that, then publicizing it. That takes away from the "beauty of the sport" a whole lot more than the superman position or the y-foil.

Test Tickle said...

Commie:

coming from someone who obviously spends most of his days trolling this page instead of riding a bike, your opinion doesn't really hold much validity.

just sayin'

balls.

ant1 said...

yeah, it's amazing that michael ball's fuck the system mentality did not go over too well with the system.

ball.

Anonymous said...

Where's the friggin' "Not Safe for Work" version of that pic... I'm not feeling well and might need its magical healing powers!

sufferist said...

Hey Commie is a stand-up guy and he's been riding for years....oh how does that go...

Making fun of another: "another", you are so stupid, if I mixed all your letters up I can spell "no heart", so there....

Peace out! [Drops pen]

Anonymous Coward said...

@popsicle

in the newspaper article a Jacob Newborn talks about receiving warnings. So you may not be aware of any, but he was.

And as far as it being more than okay to be made fun of for seriously lacking basic grammar and spelling skills please see exhibit A: rednecks

Toast Ghost said...

actually the wall street journal article referred to the "green" redevelopment of the weird derelict former military base called Treasure Island (not "Pleasure Island" from Pinocchio) where "the kids" were freestyling themselves. the "ray of fiscal" hope would be the project eliminating the place they're "tearing up." don't worry, the wall street journal is cheering the thing getting them out of there--its uncoolness is still secure.

flynn said...

Snob, does your tuber farm family know that you're Bike Snob?

also, how about the original from Erik K?

SkullKrusher said...

anarchy is so overrated.

erik k said...

The Goods NSFW

d. fofonov said...

Bicycle polo is honorable pasttime as long as you using the head of vanguished foe as ball.

You americanyitzi needing to close off fornication.

Dominic said...

Thank God, erik k. I'm trying to get fired.

Anonymous said...

dutchy

Lord Skankypants said...

We'll get that licence, you just wait. I would have thought two slightly used Cadillacs would do it, but apparently not. They don't seem interested in nice threads.

CommieCanuck said...


coming from someone who obviously spends most of his days trolling this page instead of riding a bike, your opinion doesn't really hold much validity


Oh snap.
You got me to rights..when I'm making comments, it's 7-11 minutes that I'm not on a bike.
In that time I could have done valuable junk miles in sub-zero weather and snow.

I apologize for calling bike polo riders lame, when in fact they are just not funny.

(and lame)

CommieCanuck said...

Erik, why are the nipples blurry?

Or, am I finally going blind, despite the warnings?

Pray for Dennis said...

http://www.showbizspy.com/article/197594/dennis-hopper-news-star-at-deaths-door.html

Norman said...

Dear Mr. Snob,

I feel terrible, but you did indeed get to sit next to the rare Wild Ginger. All the excitement probably broke down your immune system which is why the sea snake was able to bite you so readily. Be careful.

wishiwasmerckx said...

For G-d's sake, Mom, put your shirt back on. I think I see Erik K. over there with his camera.

Strayhorn said...

erik k

You are a prince among men.

wishiwasmerckx said...

CommieCanuck, it warms the cockles of my heart to see how all your fellow comment board regulars immediately jumped to your defense when you were attacked.

Crocodile dundee said...

G'day,
I reckon since I live beyond the black stump I'm probably the equivalent of a mid-westerner. So not to be outdone, me and some schoolmates got together to have our own game of polo, prefering to use a boomerang in place of a mallet and ball. The idea to improve on an existing game came from Aussie rules (a better form of football). Well before you could scream 'stone the bloody crows' a herd of feral camels came out of nowhere and stampeded the playing field. I somehow managed to escape with only a few scrapes. I got home and checked the medicine cabinet which consisted of an empty bottle of dettol, so asked me mum if she could get me some ecalyptus tincture. well she just cacked her head off. In case you didn't know, ecalyptus tincture was invented by chinese immigrants during the gold rush. it's just friggin' koala piss in a jar! supposedly it helps you get a longer, harder stiffy!?! bloody eureka alright! so tomorrow me and Kev are going to head out bush on the pretense of getting revenge on those bastard camels, but really we are going to try and find a coupla koalas with full bladders and get on the piss.

Socktopuss said...

Its the internet: you can't get past the retarded discourse, so why bother? Unless your a masochistic trolleur? Nice to see that MST3K has had more cultural influence in America than, well, uh, um...

Swashbuckling Dandy said...

Anybody who knows CommieCanuck knows he can take car of himself. Me, I just stayed outa the way so I didn't get bit.

Fan Club VDB said...

VDB4 EVER

Anonymous said...

I want not concur on it. I regard as warm-hearted post. Especially the designation attracted me to review the unscathed story.

Alexander said...

More lame jokes...what makes the dude with the chili a "hipster"? Is it his book? Maybe his ultra-hip Adidas?
Ah, it's ok...just add -way to something, that "colorway" joke is still funny right?

Your former barbs are getting fucking dull man.

Daddo said...

Alex has written a comment in a certain lameway.

ant1 said...

I was thinking about defending CC, but knew he could do better on his own. that and the fact that he's not out riding his bike between 9 and 5 doesn't seem like a very solid reason to ignore his opinion, however lame one might think it is. there are only 3 types of people who do ride their bikes between 9 and 5, those with non traditional work schedules, pros, and the unemployed. so if you must be one of those to have an opinion that matters, 90% of us who comment here should be ignored. not that there's anything wrong with that.

Supermeh said...

The Lobster entered through a Graeme Obree phase before maturing into a deity.

BSNYC, I need more Lobster catechism.
Any guidance would be appreciated.

Sock Puppet said...

I will not be watching The Tonight Show ever again. I don't have an opinion about Conan or Leno, but the way NBC is doing business is reprehensible. Conan is definitely coming out with the better public image out of this.

[Just hopping on the hot new trend of posting ramdom comments that have no relevance here.]

Criss said...

Okay, I really need a non-edited copy of that get well card!

Darby Crash said...

Germs come from LA.

velocodger said...

Those who live at Lake Tahoe have a social status system based on the elevation of one's primary residence. Kinda like social status based on hours in the saddle. Those who live "in the valley" and those who "don't ride" are social pariahs and no opinion they may hold is valid. Sorry, CC. That's the way it is!

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