Monday, August 24, 2009

About Face: Cycling and Changing Direction

If you've able to recollect things from as far back as last Tuesday (or if you're able to click on links), you may recall that I mentioned a moving short film presented by Vanity Fair and Banana Republic set against the backdrop of the "Midnight Ridazz" ride in Los Angeles. Well, a reader informs me that "membazz" of the Midnight Ridazz community were offended by the filmmaker's depiction of their ride (though I'm not sure whether it's due to the fact that the riders were portrayed as exclusionary or because they were portrayed as owners of old crappy 10 speeds)--so much so that somebody put together this new, dubbed version of the film:



If you found yourself struggling to understand the subtext and symbolism contained in the original film, I'm sure you'll find that this one removes much of the ambiguity, though admittedly it does so at the expense of subtlety.

Speaking of things lacking in subtlety, there are few forms of "body modification" less subtle than facial tattooing, as you can see here on the stripey visage of professional cyclist David Clinger:

Arguably, it's unfair to judge people based on appearance alone. Just because someone has a tattooed face, or skewered genitals, or even "weird style diktats," does not necessarily mean that he is wild, irresponsible, or self-destructive. The truth is that these things are a matter of personal choice, and they can actually be deeply meaningful forms of self-expression undertaken only after long and meaningful periods of reflection and introspection. That said, this is not the case with David Clinger, who according to this Cyclingnews article acquired his facial tattoo while coked up out of his mind:

Clinger says his drug problem "started innocently with a few drinks after a race and it was no harm done. But I wanted more, I wanted cocaine..." From there, it was apparently only a few kilometers to the sordid feed zone of addiction, which ultimately drove him to fly the lime green flag which among professional cyclists is the universal sign for "Help me!" That flag, of course, is the Rock Racing jersey:

Incidentally, if you don't think alcohol can put you on the path of self-destruction, just consider this recent Craigslist posting:


Three Cute Tall Girls on Marin Blvd (Wednesday) - m4w - 22 (Jersey City)
Date: 2009-08-20, 11:12PM EDT
Reply To This Post

I was driving back home from Shoprite when I spotted three tall, skinny, girls dressed to the nines, with great hair. I put away my groceries then hopped on my bike back there to see if maybe I could spot you all and ask you out. But alas, I never did see you again (the chances were slim). While biking around I ran into a friend outside Zeppelin Hall, and went in for a couple drinks. And then we went to my house and drank champagne and ate cheese and crackers and jammed out to some French records, and I made hummus! And then we went to someone else's house, where we drank more. And then I showed up to my office 2 1/2 hours late this morning.

So that night turned out completely different than I had planned. But I would still like to know if you three would like to join me for drinks some time (not nearly as many as I had last night please).


It all starts with a "couple drinks." Then, once your inhibitions have been lowered, you move on to the harder stuff: cheese and champagne. This in turn serves as your entrée into the dark and twisted world of French records, and before you know it you've hit rock bottom and you're making hummus. At first, you try to hide your filthy habit, and you make lame excuses for all the packets of pita bread in your house: "Oh, I was just making some pita bread pizzas." But after awhile it becomes impossible to hide the tahini stains on your clothing or the fact that you're constantly sneaking off to nibble whole chick peas. Eventually, you might even start freebasing the stuff, and in the end you wind up outside of a Path Mark offering customers glimpses of your "weird style diktats" in exchange for a 7 oz. container of Sabra and some pita chips.

Fortunately, though, David Clinger seems resolved to turn his life around, and hopefully cycling will help him do so. The truth is that, when you go astray, the bicycle can both literally and figuratively serve as the means to bring you back home. Take this booklet, which recently came into my possession as if by providence:

Sure, this is just a simple "DIY" publication containing some basic mechanical advice, but if you read the introduction you'll see that getting in touch with your bicycle can also put you in touch with yourself:

Yes, once you emerge from the heady fog of addiction, wipe the hummus from your chin and brush the pita crumbs from your shirt, delving into the workings of your own bicycle can prove to be both relaxing and enlightening. In fact, after many years, you might even find that you've transcended bicycles altogether and are ready to tackle the mysteries the cosmos. Take Gary Klein, for example, who according to Gary Fisher has moved on from bikes to telescopes:

I was fascinated to learn that fat tube aluminum frame pioneer Gary Klein was now in the "scope biz," and my first thought was that he shrewdly decided to re-purpose the many thick and brightly painted frame tubes he doubtless has lying around:


Some of Klein's dual suspension frame designs would also lend themselves well to telescope conversion. Consider the Klein Mantra:


Simply strip the components and you're ready to spend hours gazing at celestial bodies:


Just be aware that, depending on your gender and what it is you're looking at, you're liable to experience other types of "telescoping" as well.

Plus, I'm sure Klein realizes that, while bicycles are complicated, telescopes are really simple. Just take a look at this baffling diagram from that quaint "DIY" booklet:

Now compare that to the telescope:


Klein can probably crank out hundreds of these things in the time it once took him to paint a single Attitude--though of course that depends to some extent on what kinds of telescopes he plans to make. For example, perhaps he'll make little telescopes you can carry on your bike like frame pumps. I could certainly use one of those to do some boat-spotting on the Big Skanky:



Or else, maybe they'll be larger and more powerful telescopes suited to watching people get naked in their homes. If so, you may want to drag yours up onto the High Line and watch the guests at the Standard:


Actually, I'm pretty sure the man in the above photo is Tom Boonen, who's probably just had a massage:

I'm not sure what he's clenching in his buttocks, but it looks sort of like a giant, spiky chick pea.

It's even possible that Gary Klein has decided that designing bikes for The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company is a dead end, and that he's instead chosen to pursue greatness by searching for extraterrestrial life. If he were to succeed at this and humankind's first glimpse of aliens was through a Klein telescope, then Gary Klein's name would be written in the history books alongside Galileo and Copernicus:


This is arguably far more auspicious company than Colnago and Serotta, and despite all their Tour de France victories I'm sure Trek would be rather nonplussed not to have been a part of it.

100 comments:

RANTWICK said...

Me like snob. Snob funny. Me go read now.

RANTWICK said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

first

Unknown said...

kind of sober

kale said...

LOVE BIKE

Unknown said...

Been in Utah

Chris W said...

plussed.

Anonymous said...

top five is good?

sjh

grog said...

Fight like Susan.
Win.

Unknown said...

comment deleted ='s crash

Anonymous said...

woot woot.....

Anonymous said...

I heart SATAN!

sufferist said...

woot woot....

Anonymous said...

Lucky 13

sufferist said...

"If you've able to recollect..."

come on...start off correct and work your way into grammatical errors...

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Yes. I am ready to take on the mysteries the cosmos.

Anonymous said...

Lewinski had a 'tahini stain'

RANTWICK said...

Since you've your commute river the "Big Skanky", would you take offense if I stole your idea and name my commute river "the Little Skanky"? It IS both...

hillbilly said...

as one who had tahini and hummus last night, i really feel this post.

facial tattoos = bad idea. anything that puts you in the select company of mike tyson and stephon marbury should be avoided.

rezado said...

FEETIES

kale said...

"if you don't thing alcohol"

You got a cold today?

Anonymous said...

I thought Clinger had those facial tattoos removed. But judging from the team kit those are recent photos, no?

thegock said...

COCA INE!

Anonymous said...

yes, but what about bikes?

LANCEonymous said...

Ow, my back!

Marshall Hance said...

Someone got an advance on their Wednesday weed.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

twenteeSe7en

Disgruntl Ed. said...

That typewritten account was so achingly wholesome. How pleasant it is to think that if I were to go to Portland, some nice person might help me find my missing bearings, get me lubricated and connected and everything. And such a nice typist, too.

I would eat hummus in such a place and be content. I'd tell everyone about the shift key.

Astroluc (Find me on Tumblr and Instagram @Astroluc) said...

damn... nope

wishiwasmerckx said...

There are certain lines that just simply are not crossed, and making fun of falafel is one of them. This time, sir, you have gone too far.

Anonymous said...

advances in tattoo removal technology
have to be a good stock to bet on in the coming years...

jolene said...

hew want some hole milk cus im fresh outa choklate

Anonymous said...

Not skanky, but stanky.

Unknown said...

How could anyone still have a job after using the 'Sorry I'm late, I was making hummus and jamming out to French music'excuse?

FROG TUNE

JClev19 said...

I used to ride a Mantra on the trails of SoCal, man I loved that thing. I always thought about re-purposing that giant top-tube: drug stash, potato-launcher, etc..

Telescope is pure genius.

Anonymous said...

If the French music was "The Bike" I can understand the hangover.

southpole said...

hi, may i please ask two questions:
what was that death metal tune (its been a while)
and: does the limegreen guy from papillon have no connection to tom boonen because the latter got off the cocaine and into giant spikey anal beads?
thanks

CommieCanuck said...

The spiky protrusion from Tommy's ass probably was connected to his TDF diarrhea.
Phil Ligget is unclean.

My likey the Klein girl, she adds beefiness to by bottom bracket and certainly promotes 1980s-era big toptube aluminum lateral stiffness. Schlongtacular.

INNU ENDO

CommieCanuck said...

Clinger was just attempting the Harry, the guy with a snake on his face facial colorway.

RIPC ANDY

bikesgonewild said...

...membazz zonly 'dition...frickin' nice..."the real story"...

...single thought running through gary klein's head "cyclists bore me...the fuck am i gonna do w/ all these fat fucking tubes ???"...

...tom boonen to little hottie massage therapist chick "i'm way-y-y out a' contention in the eneco tour, baby, & they ain't gonna be testin' me, so let's snort some lines off each others ass cheeks, ok ???...c'mon, you know tommeke's got the "shit", baby !!!"...

bikesgonewild said...

...i only hope bsnyc/rtms's post hasn't set back our relationships w/ various middle eastern countries (or restaurants, for that matter) by making fun of their assorted foodstuffs...
...hummus, falafels, tahini...what's next ???...pointing the finger at tabouli n' baba ganouje ???...

...sheesh (kabob)...

CommieCanuck said...

RTMS...keep yer hands off my juicy beef Shwarma, or you'll be looking for a kidney Dönər.

Ronsonic said...

Get it right! This is technical terminology, those are "feetses."

Unknown said...

Which came first, the Clinger facial tat or the Rock Racing jersey? Guy looks like a giant iguana in that kit.

Anonymous said...

WCKD WEZL

Anonymous said...

How many Tours De France were won on a Serotta? Um, I think Zero.


Signed,

Falafel King

Anonymous said...

sHIF tKEY

Anonymous said...

FIRST!

Anonymous said...

I got one word for that video....

Contact High

Suzee said...

Re:Midnite Ridazz Redux
Aw RTMS man... ain't no fuckin way that screen play rewrite cumz from L.A. bruthaz. Smakz of fey BA influenz in its new ironicosity. Come on man, Gap sweataz? Dead Eliutz?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Falafel King,

I was referring to Trek, though I see my wording may have been unclear.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Hey you guys

Check out this cool video.

Ace!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fir6neas6I8

Anon 4.49 said...

Hi Guys

Any of you guys know what RTMS stands for please?

Cheers guys

Guy

bikesgonewild said...

...dear falafel king...read yer menu, i mean comment...

...while serotta has been pegged on these pages as being "the favorite bike of dentists" & although i'm not a dentist (but visiting one regularly), i thought i'd mention a few facts as a point of interest...

...back in his early days, ben serotta's reputation as a bicycle builder was held in high esteem by many of the original bunch of american's invading the european peleton...

...those bikes painted w/ sponsor's names like "huffy" & "murray" & whatever else, were often in fact built by the hands of ben himself & painted in various team livery...

...& while you may be right in that 'serotta's' haven't won overall at le tour de france, (i don't believe) many of his handbuilt frames have raced & won stages...it's also a fact that his bikes have won world championships through the years...
...call their shop in saratoga springs, ny...they'll tell ya...

...in this age of plastic (read: crabon) bikes it's less of a practice than it once was, but years ago, lotta pros rode handbuilt frames specifically made for them by someone other than their sponsored bike company...

...btw, i ride a ti n' crabon serotta "occasionally"...love it...best riding & handling bike i've ever been on...no fucking doubt...

..now...gimme two chicken gyros, a feta salad & a dr brown's...thanx...

Anonymous said...

I appreciate the last photo, it is the best. I wish I was an artist, cause I would replace that sun with the crotchal light from Friday. That would be just awesome.

Anonymous said...

Mmmm, Tommeke! Tour of Missouri starts in two weeks--woohoo!

Just sent off my volunteer form to drive a shuttle between the airport and team hotels. Might just be making a little detour to Casa Frilly.

red neckerson said...

im going to the likker cabnet

Barbara Bush said...

I resent these constant references to "The Big Skanky." Desist immediately or I call the barrister Baker!

Anonymous said...

Chicken gyros? Infidel.

Anonymous said...

I really falafel about all the bashing of middle eastern food.

bikesgonewild said...

...infidel as they come...

...but that doesn't mean i don't enjoy the food of many different cultureways...

...yum, yum...

bikesgonewild said...

...n' red neckerson...that "likker cabnet" can be a real 'pandora's box' if ya know what i mean...

...but, hey, enjoy !!!...& it's only monday, sheesh...

Robert Patterson said...

I'll never be able to look at giant, spiny chickpeas again. Ever.

ThePantaloon.com said...

those who throw chick peas should not live in falafel houses.

a recovering hummus addict, Z

http://www.thepantaloon.com/

anon 5:45 said...

The cutest little lamb you have ever seen had to DIE for my gyro, you chicken-licker.

jessica said...

poodium

Anonymous said...

1st!!! Oh wait... What?

Anonymous said...

I hope one day that fucking idiot, cokehead, Clinger visits New Zealand and does meet a few Moaris.
As a white westerner, the biggest insult you could give them is to rip off their "Ta moko", their most treasured sign of cultural identity.

Fierce Panties said...

Hummus is an excellent choice for touring food. It's consistency lends to keeping it stuck inbetween the hoods on the bar even at higher speeds. If your bars are high enough, at least above saddle level (squaaawk!), then in an aero postition bon appetite and don't forget to lick the seconds of off the bar wrap.

Anonymous said...

gigantic hummus among us

ringcycles said...

BGW: you've got it wrong. Since Tommeke has given up on the white line road to happiness, he has clearly found a new thrill. "Come here miss masseuse and help me with my prostate tickler roller ball! Sure to give my aching muscles the proper release." Of course BSNYC hinted at this fact much more subtly than I could have.

Anonymous said...

PITA EATA

bikesgonewild said...

...i'm not gonna touch that...

...i mean yer comment...

...actually i mean yer comment & that "thing"...never know where it's been...

Spangle said...

I like to pack super garlicy hummus in my lips...it is eco-chew.

omowo said...

Keep the ink flowing ... I'm putting all my money here.

leroy said...

Hummus?

The Fountain or Sahadi's, both on Atlantic Avenue, are good choices.

You can fill one jersey pocket with hummus, another with pita and still have a pocket left for CO2 cartridges and a patch kit.

What else could you need?

bikesgonewild said...

...re: hummus...

...do you prefer 'plain' or 'stanky' ???...

Anonymous said...

headphone girl is hot.

Anonymous said...

Just for the archives, the opening sentence should not be
"If you've able to recollect";
maybe it should be "If you're able to recollect." Those nasty r and v.

Otherwise, greatness.

Anonymous said...

Or, maybe "If you've been able to recollect".

Robarazzi.biz said...

http://vancouver.en.craigslist.ca/van/bik/1339599671.html

Anonymous said...

rtms?

Wes said...

Really tiring, make stop.

CommieCanuck said...

How many Tours De France were won on a Serotta? Um, I think Zero.

By that argument, the best bikes ever are either Peugeots or Treks.

ant1 said...

and the best cyclists are french.

omowo said...

@ Robbarrazi

Rusted norco frame = $200?

Hmmm . . . I think I'm sitting on a 'custom' fixie gold mine.

CommieCanuck said...

"I'm including a front wheel (Mavic) laced to the hub. I did the lacing myself in an unusual pattern (see pics). Note: the wheel is not tensioned!"

Nor will it ever be.

There's a goldmine in bike carcasses out there chained to bike racks. There should be an "Antiques Roadshow" for bikes with experts assessing value.. they can go through the whole history and pronounce, "..um..sorry, but it's just a piece of shit." Then zoom to the hipsters face.

Alternatively, some housewife will be told, "It's a bespoke Sachs, worth $5000". "

"What, for that rusty piece of shit?"

ant1 said...

and where the hell is snob today?

Anonymous said...

Huh. I really liked Clinger's facial tattoo. Sad story, but I still like the artwork. I hadn't thought of him in years, since the story was originally broken to me on BMEzine...

c-record said...

feel like drinking a colt 45

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