Thursday, April 9, 2009

Going With the Flow: How to Evade the Drug Testers

Further to yesterday's post, in which I mentioned France's fiendish plot to construct an undead bootleg Lance Armstrong, Margot from Foes forwarded me an article from the New York Times, and in particular drew my attention to this quote:

“I’m not saying anything about Lance Armstrong,” said Dr. Gary I. Wadler, a member of the World Anti-Doping Agency. “But if somebody had half an hour to himself, that’s plenty of time to urinate and refill yourself with somebody else’s urine. That way, even if they witness you urinating, it’s not your urine. It happens a lot. It is the rationale behind the no-notice testing.”

Margot was understandably confused, and in fact emailed the writer demanding clarification:

I think that needs some sort of explanation. Is Dr. Wadler suggesting that Lance Armsrong retired to the bathroom, took a shower and drank someone else's urine? How would that even work? Leaving aside that it just seems disgusting I don't think it would produced the result that he is implying. Does he mean inject someone else's urine into his bladder?

Now, I'm not sure if either of these techniques would work, but they're certainly repulsive. And while I suppose it's possible that Lance Armstrong may be hiding a few liters of someone else's urine inside the shampoo bottles in his shower, I think it's pretty unlikely. (Though if you do find yourself in the shower at Lance Armstrong's house, you might want to sniff the shampoo before you use it. That asparagus smell may not be volumizer.) It's more unlikely still in the context of Armstrong's comeback. Why return to the sport from a few years of blissful unaccountability only to sneak around in bathrooms drinking other people's urine? It just doesn't make sense.

Still, I was intrigued. While I don't think Armstrong was up to anything funny in the shower (at least not anything performance-enchancing), I wanted to know what a devious person might theoretically be able to (ahem) pull off in there. So I consulted the experts:




A-ha! That's it! The old "prosthetic penis" flim-flam:


As the weird old hippie burnout from "High Times" explained, there's a device called the "Whizzinator," though sadly it's been outlawed. I was surprised to learn that a number of high-profile personalities have been caught using the "Whizzinator." Here's what it looks like:

(Prosthetic phallus is safe for work.)

Cunning indeed. Cycling folklore abounds with tales of riders who have used "sleight of penis" in order to fool drug testers, and even though the "Whizzinator" is apparently no longer available it wouldn't take much to fabricate one. The Great Trek Bicycle Making Company certainly has the facilities and the materials, and in fact I think a device like this would slot neatly into the Bontrager cycling accessory product line. But while it's amusing to think that when Armstrong says he's going in for some "wind tunnel time" he's actually experimenting with new fake member technology, I still think the risk of being caught with such a thing and the humiliation that would ensue would in itself be an effective deterrent. Plus, all the testers would have to do would be to bring Ashley Olsen along, as she would doubtless be able to discern at a glance whether Armstrong was employing a facsimile or the real thing.

But let's just say Armstrong was so hellbent on doping that he was willing to resort to a "Whizzinator"-like device. What would he fill it with? Would he gamble with someone else's urine, or would he use some sort of urine substitute?


I was particularly interested to note that many people shopping for fake urine are also in the market for batons, brass knuckles, various forms of cuffs, and tear gas. I guess if the tap on your "Whizzinator" malfunctions and the testers catch you knee-deep in an unstoppable deluge of "Quick Fix" fake urine, you've got no alternative but to fight your way out.

If all this talk of urine has made you nauseous by this point (I know I'm feeling pretty queasy right now), your nausea should only serve to underscore how absurd cyclesport's obsession with collecting and analyzing urine really is. Sure, you have to test now and again, but come on. I think even the most dedicated urinemonger also has to admit that someone of Lance Armstrong's profile is probably not going to resort to the sorts of tactics employed by 17 year-olds applying for jobs at Arby's.

Plus, all the urine testing (or urine) in the world cannot quench humanity's insatiable thirst for drugs. In fact, since nobody seems especially interested in testing me, I figured I could probably get away with using performance-enhancing drugs myself. (I lost today's Manhattan Bridge KOM to one guy on a stock Pista and another guy wearing bellbottoms and loafers and riding a three-speed.) Fortunately, there's a website called steroidonlineshop.com that sells all kinds of good stuff, including steroids, testosterone, HGH, and EPO. So I loaded up my cart with 10 vials of EPO, and since there's more to life than just winning bike races I also threw in some Valium and Viagra :


All that for only $635! Thanks Steroidonlineshop!

Unfortunately, after putting through the payment, I found this:





NEED HELP!! I Got Cheated by steroidonlineshop.com! FRAUD!

i dont wat to do now....i really dont expect that got cheated like that...the begginning i order they told me that maximum order was $400+ and then i spend like US$509.00...they told 3 working days will reach in US . It's been a a week never be here in my place. i really already suspect that something its not right with this website ...and kept sending them email many times until i can really gone crasy just waiting for them to reply me , but they really never reply at all ...i got cheated that's wat i tot..then after i realise that i search this website at google wheter this is a fraud website...then the answer was YES!!.. MY GOD! MAN! really i got cheated???? is it really happening????...... HOW DO I GET MY MONEY BACK???? I REALLY NEED HELP NOW!.............ANYONE CAN HELP ME FINDING A WAY TO SOLVE THIS!


Yikes--I guess I just threw away $635. Fortunately, though, I charged it all to Bicycling magazine, so I'm not that upset about it.

Of course, if I did have a few fistfuls of sex pills, I'd make straight for the Craigslist Missed Connections, where there's always some excitement. Well, there's usually some excitement. Sometimes it's more mundane:



Hunter College Bike Rack Helmet (Upper East Side)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-04-07, 10:28PM EDT


There was a helmet on my bike this afternoon...if its yours email me and describe it and where u left it...hunter college


Ooh! Someone found my helmet! I immediately posted a reply:

Hello,

I think you found my helmet. I left it on a bike at Hunter College. The helmet is camouflage and has a bitchin' rear spoiler on it. It helps provide my head with downforce on steep descents. Here's a picture. Look forward to hearing back. Thanks!





Actually, I have no such helmet, but ever since a reader pointed it out to me I've really wanted one and I figured it was worth a try.

Here's another Missed Connection that's a bit more salacious:



bike-riding adonis (not really) on 4th and lafayette, 3:15ish - w4m - 21
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-04-02, 8:44PM EDT


I was the curly-haired chick in brown boots smoking a clove. You had seemingly great hair as well and may or may not have been eye-contacting me; I couldn't tell because we were both wearing sunglasses. You were heading towards Bowery as I was on my way to Broadway. I think you might've been pretty attractive, but I was mostly impressed by your awesome biking abilities because I don't know how to do things like that. Maybe you can teach me how to ride a bike sometime. Or maybe we can just make out.


On a whim, I used a popular search engine to obtain an actual street view of the intersection from the post. Amazingly, it just so happens the photograph captured the missed connection as it took place:


"Great hair" indeed. He must be using that asparagus shampoo Lance Armstrong uses. Actually, on closer inspection, he seems to be the model for that crazy Aurumania bike:


On even closer inspection, though, while he does have "great hair" he's also got a Ken doll-like androgynous crotchal smoothness:


Somebody get this guy a "Whizzinator."

143 comments:

ringcycles said...

Contador?

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

syberjunkie said...

I owe it all to my crabon F5 key I got from the Secret Website

mikeweb said...

Whoop #3

ant1 said...

ant1st!

ringcycles said...

Top step, champagne, and podium girls WOHOO!

BiZZiD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Fuelled by Tim Hortons!

Spreadin'...

ned said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ned said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

damn top 20

leroy said...

It's not whether they take the sample, it's how you offer it.

ant1 said...

ringcycles - you might want to smell that champagne before you drink it.

bikesgonewild said...

...urine danger of revealing to much about yerself when you try n' podium during this discussion...

Anonymous said...

French = frogs

hillbilly said...

that was damn funny, brilliant actually.

yeah, what was up with all the pokemon on manhattan bridge today? i frickin tore the field apart, and i ain't no climber if you know what i'm sayin, and i think you do

db said...

Wow, I had no idea those drugs were so expensive. Frankly, I'm just too cheap to ever try steroids or EPO.

Sweet deal on the Valium, though. At $2 per tab, I should be able to get through Easter brunch with my mother-in-law.

some teen said...

yes.

Luck E. said...

FAKE JUNK


A

flaco said...

i wonder what the hell he was doing on the bike to make such a dramatic impression on her? a wicked bad trackstand? some elephant action? a handstand? a one armed giant? smoking and looking all emo and shit? inquiring minds want to know

Astroluc said...

...just a bit outside!

Jim said...

Craig's List?

I didn't even know Craig T. Nelson had a website, much less a list whereby one could obtain sex with hipsters.

Wow. He's really gone up in my estimation because of that.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for showering everyone with asparagus smelling urine today.

I love other peoples urine so much I dont inject it into my bladder I speedball it into my vains. Surprisingly, this works better than any steroid you can or can't get online.

Anonymous said...

Dr. Gary I. Wadler is a tool. The tester took hair and blood as well as urine, and all were negative. Hair and urine can be masked; blood, not so much. Lance was right to be distrustful of an improperly-credentialed stranger showing up at his door considering the dismal and utterly unprofessional history of unethical behavior on the part of the French laboratories.

Whether Lance doped or not, he was tested literally hundreds of times, and never failed even once. Most Americans fail to understand the depth of hatred the French feel for us. First, we gained global cultural dominance, and English words, pop music and movies crowded out their domestic French counterparts. Then Lemond comes along and brings American-style negotiations and salary demands to their hide-bound sport. Then, between Greg and Lance, Americans OWNED their national race, and with it, their national sense of pride. They would do ANYTHING to bring him down, and their past conduct in testing ( and possibly, if not probably, spiking) old samples, them releasing the results to the French press, proves it.

Bergamot said...

This just in: Area man "Mike Web" raises arms in victory salute to celebrate his podium finish in the BSNYC/RTMS sprint finish and gets pipped by "Syberjunie" at the line. At this time it is not yet clear if Web was under the influence of performance enhancing drugs which caused him some confusion. Web was later seen sulking in his team bus drowning his sorrows with a large plate of spaghetti. When asked if he had any comment, his soigneur, identified simply as "Pedro", stepped between Web and this reporter simply saying, "Senor Mike get massage now. Must rest for stage tomorrow." Tomorrow's stage will consist of the typically brief, but highly technical "Firday Frun Quiz" - a form of criterium with numerous primes. Not being a format that Web excels in, he is expected to drop from his current 5th place on GC, the top spot of which is occupied by the very consistent "ant1".

bikesgonewild said...

...what anon 1:55pm said...

...france thinks we made her our bitch...

bergamot's bitch said...

update - ringcycles dq'd for wagnerian excess. woot! woot! wins again with mike web indeed taking 3rd

rocketboy said...

nothing of the irony of the cheater get cheated buying roids....

pepe lepew said...

french rock. we all know this. how can you be so stupid?

Anonymous said...

this is turning out to be a typical blog: constant posts about the french, tattoos, orthodox jews, track bikes, 80s movies, wolves...

red neckerson said...

so is them caguns french or canadian and do they rub crabon fibbers or not?

and whats this about jolene getting a job as a fluffer for gator porn flicks?

CommieCanuck said...

As I noted on EH yesterday, I was the backpack guy just messin' with Lance. I waved him a fake UCI ID and asked him for a combination fecal-saliva sample. Dude cannot take a joke.

You missed the whole ruse Snob, the clean pee-pee is in Lance's prosthetic testicle, in place of 'Francis'.

As Mythbusters showed, you can score +ve for opiates in pee eating a poppy seed muffin. Seinfeld imitates life.

If it weren't for fake whizz, most of Alberta and BC would be unemployed.

CommieCanuck said...

anon 1:55..are you one person, or one of hundreds who write the exact same shit on every forum and blog related to cycling?

My theory: Lance has a super computer generating cyber fanboys and virtual chamois sniffers. It's like the Matrix, except even more pointless.

Bandobras said...

Worry not about the loss of the whizinator. It is going to be reintroduced next year in a new lighter model fashioned of crabon fibre and titanium.

Anon 1:55 said...

Commie, I am legion.

CommieCanuck said...

the big question:

Does the whizonator come in larger sizes? cause that thing ain't gonna fool anyone with me..

just sayin'.

Anonymous said...

Don't you think the French sporting press would be up to sending a fake tester to Lance? Of course they would've checked his papers before giving him samples of bodily fluids! It's not like the guy was an Olsen twin or something.

What I think is funny is the lag from showing up on Velonews to becoming an AP story this morning. And, the AP treated it with as much skill as listing Lance's finishing placement on a sprint finish in the Tour.

Justin said...

I think Armstrong would recognize that he's been targeted (I'll use this term lightly here, substitute "heavily tested" if you wish) for most of his career and should expect just as much and more during his comeback. I'd also like to know how you go about masking a hair sample.

Also, with skills like that, why would you dope?

wishiwasmerckx said...

Lance and Johann immediately spotted the guy as a fake because he pulled his "credentials" out of a mouldy French rucksack, and not a Chrome messenger bag.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Justin, they sell shampoo designed for the purpose. I have no idea if they work, or if they are "asparagas scented," but thanks for the easy tie-in back to the post.

Anonymous said...

Looking back at the indecent, I'm sure lance regrets not whipping it out and whizzing on the mystery Frenchman as soon as he asked for urine.

CommieCanuck said...

If le French want a proper fluid sample, they should send Sarkosy's wife, Carla Bruni...hubba hubba.

That's right, hubba hubba and rucksack in one comments section.

Cunt!

grog said...

Cunning, yes.
Nauseating, yes.

bikesgonewild said...

...i agree, piss on the french drug testers...

...& commiecanuck...you've got more of an agenda & make more noise whining about armstrong than all those who support him...

...just sayin'...

g said...

I think anon 155 (or thereabouts) was making more of an anti-french statment than a sun-shines-out-of-the-place-where-the-ball-used-to-be kind of thing. At least that's the way I read it. Then again, I recognize that Lance is a great cyclist, but that there are other riders in EVERY race that he enters. (I'm talking to YOU Versus)

hillbilly said...

"looking back at the indecent"

i like that as a freudian slip, mr. anon

ant1 said...

"Most Americans fail to understand the depth of hatred the French feel for us."
But you don't, do you? Cause you're so smart and knowledgeable. How many french people have you met, moron? Why is it that they eat up american culture, movies and music? Out of hatred? The french hate the americans is something lance keeps using to defend himself, like the lies that he's the most tested athlete, or that he lost a bunch of weight du to cancer. Why try to pin Douchestrong's current problem on the french? You can say what you want about their labs' behavior, but this current situation has nothing to do with that. Why couldn't mister "I've been tested more than anyone ever" not stand around while waiting for his boyfriend to get Dick Pound on three way? If Rasmussen can be given two years for not testing positive, why can't lance be suspended for not following a protocol? Should every cyclist be allowed to doubt a tester's integrity and hide away for 20 minutes while the WADA is contacted? And when you say "improperly-credentialed stranger", where do you get that from? Lance's tweeter page?

versus said...

are you sure? we're going to need proof.

Bill said...

"dick pound on three way"....hehe, thanks ant1, now THAT is funny!

Anonymous said...

Anyone ever consider that the French press doesn't like Armstrong for the same reason some (many) people here hate the NY Yankees or the Dallas Cowboys?

Lance only made the Tour boring, and VS/OLN didn't help. But that's not a reason to hate on him. His cocky attitude? Yeah, that's reason enough.

g said...

isn't "dick pound on three way" a jenna jameson movie?

ant1 said...

thanks bill, I'm really proud of myself for that one.

mikeweb said...

Bergamot,

Indeed! Pedro will be coptering into the Dr. Ferrari's compound this evening for some "nutritional supplements".

Hard liquor may work for Mr. Landis, but I stick to more scientific methods.

Anon 1:55 said...

Where did I get "improperly credentialed stranger" from? This was a lab employee, not a representative of WADA or the French agency, as in every previous test. Just because you are trained to operate the lab equipment does not make you familiar with, or competent at, the collection protocals and proceedures.
Do try to keep up with the known facts despite your rush to judgment.

Bluenoser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ant1 said...

"This was a lab employee, not a representative of WADA or the French agency, as in every previous test."

How does that make him improperly credentialed? He had papers that, as far as I know, were proper. Just because he came from a lab doesn't make it improper. Where did he go wrong regarding protocol or procedure? I could see how it could raise some questions, but I don't see how it excuses lance from following protocol. He did turn out to be legit in the end, no?

Anonymous said...

Bluenoser,
If what you have been doing up to this point is supposed to have helped, please DO stop.
Isolationist douche.

Bluenoser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
anon said...

i have to say that the canadians on this message board aren't doing a whole hell of a lot for international relations. and that's coming from one

Bluenoser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bikesgonewild said...

...oh, hi, ant1...bikesgonewild here...
...ah, listen, i work for yer bank & there's seems to be a little problem w/ yer account, so if you'd just e-mail me your credit card number, i'll get this taken care of for you...
...& hey, 'cuz you know me from the site here, well, you can trust me, right ???...

...good deal...now let's be prompt...

Bluenoser said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hey Snobbie,

Why is it that the Whizzinator does not merit a sepia-toned/Larry King treatment, but the fake jugs on the bike models do?

Granted, it's to my pervy-female benefit, but it seems a bit unfair to the majority of your readers.

Thanks Evil Overlords!

JPB said...

My country's better!

No, mine!

No, mine!

Fuck you, I'm taking my (borrowed)culture and going home!

Isn't this a bike blog?

Shram said...

Cunt of a callback today...just kidding, I'm only guessing at what that even means.

don't go making fun of the French, you'll just get ant1 (antoine, get it) all riled up again.

Bluenoser, wow. Let the flames commence.

ant1 said...

BGW - tell you what, I'll stay on this comments page until I can verify that you're legit.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:31pm,

The fake "jugs" on the female models are under skin, so must be censored. The "Whizzinator" is both fake and completely external, and as such is exempt from censorship.

--RTMS

ant1 said...

Shram - making fun of the french I have no problem with, I do it myself. It's making untrue generalizations and using them to support an argument I have a problem with. I don't mind people defending lance, they might just be right, lance may have never doped, but do so logically.

Anothercanuck said...

Bluenoser, dude, chill

This is a bike blog, and these comments are about the blog, which BTW, was way funny

(did something snap? sorry to hear about it -- really sorry)

g said...

I think the fact that, as Bluenose put it, "the French sold you the biggest part of your country, even thought it wasn't theirs in [sic]he first place", gives LA's concern that they might be lying a little credence, doesn't it? I mean, shit, if you are selling things you don't even own, what's to stop you from lying about taking a hair/blood/urine sample just for shits and grins?

Philboy said...

none of you know a dang thing about french or american culture except maybe Jolene. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to take a whizzinator (a really big one) to my next corporate drug test. then when the med tech is watching I'm going to whip them both out, maybe ask him which one he thinks I should use. And if that doesn't work I'll just have to fight my way out like Snobbie says.

Anonymous said...

Snob,
First you jump the shark, and now your faithful commenters are starting to turn on each other. Are these the first signs of the Bike Snob Apocalypse?

bikesgonewild said...

...zut !!!...i guess my ploy has been foiled...but believe me, ant1, when i say, w/ that card number, i only would have purchased a time frame...

...continuez, ami...

Doug said...

how do you hide a whizzinator in all that lycra

Tex said...

Too bad it's still winter up North. There's a Canuck or two here in desperate need of a bike ride.

BSNYC fan said...

Oops!

I must've typed in the wrong web address. I was trying to get to the 'Bike Snob NYC' blog but seem to have stumbled into some forum on a Bill O'Reilly or Rush Limbaugh website.

Not much bike chat goin' on in here...

i'm norocket scientist said...

but the way i read the story, lance asked if he could shower and the dude said yes. which makes it the dude's fault, not lance's. can't really punish a guy for something that your collector said was alright.

casualobserver said...

where is bluenoser getting all this crap about people shitting on canadians on this board??

d. fofonov said...

You Americans French and Canadians are to be contesting all you want. Russians are having much thicker skins and having no trouble with dire pronouncements and insults.

The diminuitive Frenchman, or perhaps he is Canadian, Napolean saying that Russian soldiers are all drunkards. Is true and we are kicking his repentent ass at Borodin all the way back to Paris.

I have using Whizzinator during ride across Siberia along Trans-Siberian Railway for arousing conscientiousness for perfectly safe and should be legal dietary supplements. It was difficult to explain to drug tester why when I pulled out my small Canadian penis why it froze and breaking in two.

With good fortune tester was too drunk to notice.

Anonymous said...

you guys have totally made my day. Another use of "rucksack", that makes two days in a row, you spoil me!

rucksack said...

yer welcome

Buddy Wasisname said...

Commie

Aren't we out here in the west making transfer payments your way now?

How is it you have so much time to constantly "write" on this thing? A government employee would be my guess.

Anquetil's Mother said...

Uh oh.

Cycling News Flash kids:

http://www.cyclingnews.com/news.php?id=news/2009/apr09/apr09news3

Thank heavens I'm not really French, just making fun of Anquetil's pretend psychiatrist.

Looks like Armstrong may not even get to race the Tour.

Poo poo.
Or should I say pee pee?

Really though, that does suck. I was hoping for more Versus cycling coverage too.

Anonymous said...

Do you rub a whizzinator? or does that have unintended consequences?

Anonymous said...

"Do you rub a whizzinator? or does that have unintended consequences?"

If you "rub" the whizzinator the sample you get is not urine. Sorry, someone had to say it...

bikesgonewild said...

...how the afld, knowing how controversial any dealing w/ armstrong could be, would send a solitary 'chaperone' rather than two w/ one to act as a witness to the proceedings, is beyond me...

...all things considered, it was less than an intelligent act on their part...

kale said...

Snob,

Your post was great finish to an otherwise great day (for me at least). Funny blah blah blah jump shark blah blah. I was too "sick" for work so I recovered by finding out how palptacular the Triborough bridge bike path is.

The burning of your literary chametz is complete. Lechaim!

g said...

It's hard not to see a grand French conspiracy in this whole thing. Of course, if you don't see yourself as a constant victim of the French or the center of the known universe, it is easier.

Anonymous said...

"...a solitary 'chaperone'..."

What the hell is that? A person that accompanies him/herself to make sure they don't get into trouble? Wouldn't you have to be a multiple personality to pull that off?

Anquetil's Mother said...

Armstrong should start a cycling tv channel. Phil, Paul and Bobke could be on it. Phil and Paul could do a short daily show about wine, Armstrong could control the media and I could watch races. It'd be great.

Shram said...

bgw, I don't think it was an accident; they're not trying to be fair and impartial, they want to screw him.

ant1, sorry no offense, I thought you were just defending your home cunt-try. Whoops, sorry! just couldn't resist slipping in one more cunt. (in, not into)

Dick Lb. said...

I always thought that the murmur heard throughout the peloton and among the sprinters in the last few km of the race was something like "big bulge for the finish, remember to point to the sky". Now I find out they all have Whizzinators stuffed down their man-dex shorts to help them pass the test.

Shram is the queen of said...

CUNT PUNS

Anonymous said...

The French love American culture, they just hate Lance for beating them at their own race. It's called 'sour grapes'.
Bluenoser... the only thing worse than the French is the French Canadians. No... actually, it's the other Canadiens who pretend their country isn't French.

Anonymous said...

I have a visceral reaction to the c-word. also rucksacks.

Anonymous said...

I'd bet that anon 1:55 has never been to France nor met a single French person.

Ashley Olsen said...

Yes, the plastic penis is Lance.

Anon 1:55 said...

Do so logically? Lance may or may not have doped, but logically speaking, he is unquestionably a freak of nature. His heart size and capacity, lung size and capacity, VO2 max and lactate threshold are all at super-human levels. Just maybe he is a world-beater, cocky or not...American or not.

red neckerson said...

is a deutsch bag like a german rucksack?

jolene said...

hell yes i got 100 jes like i tolt red it was how meny nazi dicks those frech basterds dun sucked durin ww2 just tesin i lernt lots from french peple like smokin and fine wine coolers and duck liver fat and waffles and three ways with dick pownd and a gater

red neckerson said...

aint no one sucks bettern you jolene

except all them canadians

Anonymous said...

This is a big city blog. There must be some velo-party-groupie, ahem, lady reading this who can supply the following information:

Lance's left testicle:

Carbon Fibre?

Titanium with a braze on?

Ceramic?


I need this information for a book report that is due tomorrow. Thanx


Hand Solo

Anonymous said...

Where can I get me one of those pee-pee thingies?


Laura 'Butch' Lezbosis

Tim- said...

Everyone is wrong about cycling drugs... EPO was 25 years ago, we're into SARM'S, IGF-1's, and recombinant human growth hormone. Nutropin Deport needs only to be injected ever 3 weeks.

Anonymous said...

now we know what else they make at that silicon factory cranking out yellow wristbands.

Pepe Testaire said...

Zat sing, eet look like le penis but, how you say, ah yes - bigger.

Do ze Quebecois en les freak with tattoos agree?

Ronsonic said...

I don't get the guys who think Lance should just give samples to anyone who shows up and flashes some ID that sorta looks kinda official, somehow. It made perfect sense to see whether this guy with a lab ID was authorized to collect samples.

This is like don't pull over for an "unmarked police car" that doesn't have blue lights.

Commenter of many identities said...

I'm just now getting to the comment board after having to serve a 12-hour sentence for viewing gay porn at work. Thanks a bunch, Snob.

Bluenoser, ease up a little. You don't speak for all Canadians.

As yet another Canadian here, I too find myself being shat upon on occasion. At such times, I am reminded to refrain from occupying the lower level of the two-story outhouse.

Bear Nardino said...

Great post!

Anonymous said...

Enjoying Lance's cock?

ken e. said...

really people, it's a small planet. let's keep the rubbing/palping to fenders and whizzinators.

for the record, west coast canadian going to the fridge for a quebec beer "le fin du monde", listening to louis XIV (san diego).

haters cue up...

Anonymous said...

holy crap is this pathetic. Poser haters, day after day, I get it already. Go ride your fucking bikes.

Anonymous said...

Does the Whizzinator come in an uncircumsized configuration too? You know for us unfixed fixed gear heads?

Anonymous said...

100% don't think Lance Armstrong "cheated" on his drug test--the guy has been tested an unprecedented number of times, plus they took hair and blood. But some athletes have been caught using a catheter to insert clean urine into their bladders. seriously: http://sportsanddrugs.procon.org/viewanswers.asp?questionID=1223#catheter

Anonymous said...

Armstrong just tweeted this blog post! http://twitter.com/lancearmstrong/status/1488277820

Snoop Dogg said...

After actually watching the Dr. Rick video, I noticed a couple of things:

"Roland Ooby" lives in Brooklyn Heights! Snobbie, he must be the one who's always beating you for the Manhattan Bridge KOM honors.

One of the anti-positive drug test products actually had the Parve Kosher symbol on it. So not only can you pass your drug test, but you can be an observant Jew at the same time!

Anonymous said...

French douche

Anonymous said...

So I'm French, living in Saskatchewan. I've got tattoos of EBBD in every make and model (for ze reference). I've got two yellowed and cracked pieplates (FFH, bro) on my Winsor. I'm contemplating putting a set of Zipps on it and full DA guts.

I've got a WBCMBL, a TTTBPP, two FFQRS and a very wet SJAC.

Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that my ears are outside my FBSWBC.

AYHSMB

CommieCanuck said...

BGW..for sure I've got an agenda against Lance, but someone has to provide a balance against his upcoming beautification and sainthood. I calls douches as I see them.

Bluenoser...dude...WTF. The beauty of being Canadian is that no one knows anything about us or gives a fuck. Let's keep it that way.

AnnaZed said...

Anonymous said...100% don't think Lance Armstrong "cheated" on his drug test--the guy has been tested an unprecedented number of times, plus they took hair and blood. But some athletes have been caught using a catheter to insert clean urine into their bladders. seriously: http://sportsanddrugs.procon.org/viewanswers.asp?questionID=1223#catheter April 10, 2009 5:16 AM



Well, actually, I did not know that. Still gross beyond my wildest imaginings, but not as gross as drinking pee.

streepo said...

Commie,
Beatification?

Wes said...

Commie

Beatification? Or was it just an apt Canuckian slip?

Wes said...

Damn. I miss the podium by a cuntry mile and now can't even win on nit picking. Damn dial up. When will this so called broadband reach our green and pleasant lan? And I don't mean Jerusalem, although that too would be apt, on this day.

daniel said...

bs--you write about cycling the way bukowski writes about drinking.

ant1 said...

"he is unquestionably a freak of nature. His heart size and capacity, lung size and capacity, VO2 max and lactate threshold are all at super-human levels."

According to lance they are. Show me scientific evidence of that and I'll believe it.

By the way, my testicles are unquestionably both of super-human size. I also have a world beating cunt. Do you believe me?

southpole said...

all you hateurs suck my whizzinateur

Wes said...

ant1 said: By the way, my testicles are unquestionably both of super-human size. I also have a world beating cunt. Do you believe me?

Of course I believe you. That totally explains your dominance of the podium.

How did they get that way?

Wes said...

Speaking of podiums, there's a lot of hanging around by the finish line today. Maybe y'all wanna head off for a beer - I'll keep an eye ion things here.

yokel said...

thanks wes! you;ll call and let us know if anything is up, right?

Anonymous said...

Does Lance's whizzinator have only 1 nut?

Wes said...

A thought - yesterday was Pesach. Does that mean carousing and wine for Snob? I'm afraid my knowledge is pretty slim on Jewish festivals. I do know NO PWNING MACARONI though.

CommieCanuck said...

beautification: face lift before his canonization.

CommieCanuck said...

Reading about this in the press is all so confusing..tester, testee, testicle, testosterone, testy, testing, testified...

Anonymous said...

I saw that episode of Players on ESPN where the African American Super Star had clean urine injected into his urethra by his sports doctor. The actor /athlete was dirty as He--.
Thing about it is people cheat drug tests and get away with it for awhile but odds are in the end you get caught, something goes askew the chemical mask is detected.
So if the French want to test and they get their kinky pleasures from torturing Lance and his family it's wrong but within the law.
Lance knows what he is up against and I have no doubt that he will prevail in his journey to victory. Best to all the best. Fred

Rich W said...

btw...Lance linked to your post on twitter but then removed it after about a minute. He said "LMAO". that's how I found it.

Anonymous said...

Okay your cool again.

Anonymous said...

give this man (bike snob) a sitcom he is hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Looks like there is a safe and legal alternative for increasing body EPO levels naturally. Check out www.EPOBOOST.com

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