Turning It Out: The Bicycle Mating Rituals of Spring

Now that the "fixed-gear culture" is closed, young aspirants are no longer permitted to make films, develop products, or otherwise participate in the marketing of the fixed-gear culture (apart from buying stuff from officially sanctioned fixed-gear culture arbiters, of course). However, while fixed gear culture can easily keep individuals outside the gates of their trendy compound, they are still powerless against big companies like Timberland, who can use the word "fixie" with impunity. (I'm not sure what "impunity" means, but I think it's a kind of sauce, similar to "awesome sauce."):



A reader recently alerted me to this shoe's existence, and though I've pored over the description (that's "pored" and not "poured," which is what you do with impunity and awesome sauce) and while it does have some bike-specific features I haven't been able to figure out what's "fixie" about it:


The list of features actually raises more questions than it answers. Is it SPD compatible? Can I also use it on a geared bike? What's a "bike plate"? Is it like a pie plate for shoes? I'd also like to see the "hidden flip-up reflectors in the heel," and I wonder if you can get a remote handlebar-mounted switch to activate them. In any case, I bet these shoes would go great with the Cordarounds Bike To Work pants:



Those also have hidden reflectors, and the ones in the rear pockets seem to work in the mating frog/presenting baboon style:



Why put a light on your bike when you can be the light? Not only will these keep you visible at night, but they'll also let fellow cyclists know you're ready for some serious coupling. Just turn out those pockets and next thing you know you'll be sitting naked on a bearskin rug exposing your "contact patch" like the guy in this photo, forwarded to me by another reader:



Either that, or you'll be defending your nipples from said rug like you're living the last moments of Timothy Treadwell:



Speaking of defending your nipples, now that spring is in the air it's more important than ever to protect them from predators. It may take two people to inflate a tire in Williamsburg, but it only takes one woman to inflate a hipster's lust:




I saw you in front of the bike shop - m4w
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-15, 11:38PM EDT


Beautiful Asian woman with amazing chest. You were filling your tires and someone was helping you.
Are you out there?
Bike shop in Williamsburg.

Sadly, this person did not flip out the pockets of his Cordarounds Bike To Work pants and strut back and forth in front of her like a peacock. If he had, she surely would have responded, and before he knew it they'd be rubbing "contact patches" on the nearest bearskin rug. Instead, he opted for Craigslist, where he must compete with suave characters like this:





chicago israeli girl on the 1 - m4w - 24 (Harlem / Morningside)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-14, 4:40AM EDT

hey! we talked on the two and then the one. I amsued you and your not-boyfriend who was British, and then I asked for your phone number and you said no. sweet. I just wanted you to know that everything I said was true, Medical this, Shakespeare that, etc. I'm not joking, I don't bull shit. So if you would like to talk in the future, after our trist with ze brit, reply. It'd be convenient, you'd meet the most interesting jew doctor to be this side of them Mississippi. I don't know about the left coast. Some of those people might win.

Guy on 1 train who mentioned old ladies and rectals. Sweet.
and if you, random reader just read this, and you want to send me a message and maybe you ride a bike too, awesome.


If you ever needed a reason to commute by bicycle instead of by subway, I think the possibility of being approached by an oversexed doctor is a compelling one. Then again, some people are attracted to Jewish doctors. And if you're the sort of person who gets hot over things with Jewish surnames, here's a rare opportunity for you to acquire two Kleins for the price of one:




2 KLEIN BIKES FOR THE PRICE OF 1 - - $2000
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-13, 12:03AM EDT


I'm sale two klein bike. one of the bike is a belong to a RACING TEAM IN ITALY called super ITALY PRO 260 the klein bike is a QUANTUM PRO. The second bike is also a klein but its a ADROIT with a design sit and it also brings a air pump. This bike are in very good condition. The bike were giving to me by the owner because he didn't have room for them, he had them were i work in a storage. The bike can also be sold separate. Shipping can be arrange but its extra.

THANK YOU FOR LOOKING



Ah, yes. Who doesn't remember the old Super Italia Pro 260 team? Not only were they one of the first teams named after a handlebar, but they all rode Kleins, and they were called the Pro 260 team because there were actually 260 of them--kind of like the Crazy 88 from "Kill Bill." Now of course there are plenty of teams named after handlebars, such as the "Rotundo Team" (so called because they're all quite rotund) and the "Pro Compact White" team (which consists entirely of short caucasians). There's even a "dildo bar" team, who wear Cordarounds Bike To Work pants with the pockets turned out and who use these (and not necessarily on their bikes).

Also, the mountain bike "brings a air pump." I think that was a song by the Wu-Tang Clan and the chorus was "bring 'da motherfucking air pump," though I may be confusing it with "Bring da Ruckus."

Yes, thanks to expressive pants, dildo bars, and bearskin rugs, you no longer need to leave your house to have a good time with your bike--especially if you're a fixed-gear freestyler. It seems like more and more of them are learning that, when it comes to doing tricks on your bike, there's really no reason to bother going outside:




Now that's what I call bringing da ruckus:


Fixed-gear freestyling, slathered in impunity and awesome sauce.