Monday, March 16, 2009

Turning It Out: The Bicycle Mating Rituals of Spring

Now that the "fixed-gear culture" is closed, young aspirants are no longer permitted to make films, develop products, or otherwise participate in the marketing of the fixed-gear culture (apart from buying stuff from officially sanctioned fixed-gear culture arbiters, of course). However, while fixed gear culture can easily keep individuals outside the gates of their trendy compound, they are still powerless against big companies like Timberland, who can use the word "fixie" with impunity. (I'm not sure what "impunity" means, but I think it's a kind of sauce, similar to "awesome sauce."):



A reader recently alerted me to this shoe's existence, and though I've pored over the description (that's "pored" and not "poured," which is what you do with impunity and awesome sauce) and while it does have some bike-specific features I haven't been able to figure out what's "fixie" about it:


The list of features actually raises more questions than it answers. Is it SPD compatible? Can I also use it on a geared bike? What's a "bike plate"? Is it like a pie plate for shoes? I'd also like to see the "hidden flip-up reflectors in the heel," and I wonder if you can get a remote handlebar-mounted switch to activate them. In any case, I bet these shoes would go great with the Cordarounds Bike To Work pants:



Those also have hidden reflectors, and the ones in the rear pockets seem to work in the mating frog/presenting baboon style:



Why put a light on your bike when you can be the light? Not only will these keep you visible at night, but they'll also let fellow cyclists know you're ready for some serious coupling. Just turn out those pockets and next thing you know you'll be sitting naked on a bearskin rug exposing your "contact patch" like the guy in this photo, forwarded to me by another reader:



Either that, or you'll be defending your nipples from said rug like you're living the last moments of Timothy Treadwell:



Speaking of defending your nipples, now that spring is in the air it's more important than ever to protect them from predators. It may take two people to inflate a tire in Williamsburg, but it only takes one woman to inflate a hipster's lust:




I saw you in front of the bike shop
- m4w
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-15, 11:38PM EDT


Beautiful Asian woman with amazing chest. You were filling your tires and someone was helping you.
Are you out there?
Bike shop in Williamsburg.

Sadly, this person did not flip out the pockets of his Cordarounds Bike To Work pants and strut back and forth in front of her like a peacock. If he had, she surely would have responded, and before he knew it they'd be rubbing "contact patches" on the nearest bearskin rug. Instead, he opted for Craigslist, where he must compete with suave characters like this:





chicago israeli girl on the 1 - m4w - 24 (Harlem / Morningside)
Reply to: [deleted]

Date: 2009-03-14, 4:40AM EDT


hey! we talked on the two and then the one. I amsued you and your not-boyfriend who was British, and then I asked for your phone number and you said no. sweet. I just wanted you to know that everything I said was true, Medical this, Shakespeare that, etc. I'm not joking, I don't bull shit. So if you would like to talk in the future, after our trist with ze brit, reply. It'd be convenient, you'd meet the most interesting jew doctor to be this side of them Mississippi. I don't know about the left coast. Some of those people might win.


Guy on 1 train who mentioned old ladies and rectals. Sweet.

and if you, random reader just read this, and you want to send me a message and maybe you ride a bike too, awesome.


If you ever needed a reason to commute by bicycle instead of by subway, I think the possibility of being approached by an oversexed doctor is a compelling one. Then again, some people are attracted to Jewish doctors. And if you're the sort of person who gets hot over things with Jewish surnames, here's a rare opportunity for you to acquire two Kleins for the price of one:




2 KLEIN BIKES FOR THE PRICE OF 1
- - $2000
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-03-13, 12:03AM EDT


I'm sale two klein bike. one of the bike is a belong to a RACING TEAM IN ITALY called super ITALY PRO 260 the klein bike is a QUANTUM PRO. The second bike is also a klein but its a ADROIT with a design sit and it also brings a air pump. This bike are in very good condition. The bike were giving to me by the owner because he didn't have room for them, he had them were i work in a storage. The bike can also be sold separate. Shipping can be arrange but its extra.

THANK YOU FOR LOOKING



Ah, yes. Who doesn't remember the old Super Italia Pro 260 team? Not only were they one of the first teams named after a handlebar, but they all rode Kleins, and they were called the Pro 260 team because there were actually 260 of them--kind of like the Crazy 88 from "Kill Bill." Now of course there are plenty of teams named after handlebars, such as the "Rotundo Team" (so called because they're all quite rotund) and the "Pro Compact White" team (which consists entirely of short caucasians). There's even a "dildo bar" team, who wear Cordarounds Bike To Work pants with the pockets turned out and who use these (and not necessarily on their bikes).

Also, the mountain bike "brings a air pump." I think that was a song by the Wu-Tang Clan and the chorus was "bring 'da motherfucking air pump," though I may be confusing it with "Bring da Ruckus."

Yes, thanks to expressive pants, dildo bars, and bearskin rugs, you no longer need to leave your house to have a good time with your bike--especially if you're a fixed-gear freestyler. It seems like more and more of them are learning that, when it comes to doing tricks on your bike, there's really no reason to bother going outside:




Now that's what I call bringing da ruckus:


Fixed-gear freestyling, slathered in impunity and awesome sauce.

90 comments:

ryan said...

first yehaw

Anonymous said...

bla

Anonymous said...

bla

ryan said...

and just because i'm a sucka i'm gonna snatch 2nd and 3rd too

RM said...

top 5

Anonymous said...

Top 5!

that guy said...

Top Ten!

Anonymous said...

Yeah ! Podium ...

1st ever !

Matt! said...

It's still early in the season.

Anonymous said...

10

Tristan L said...

podiooo!!!!

snuggie said...

oh the impunity...that's gotta hurt, ryan

smovlov said...

Top something!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

flying first class today...

Anonymous said...

It's not the length, it's the girth.

mhandsco said...

That dude's mom is going to kill him for riding inside...

Anonymous said...

"inbuilt bike plate". Love the ESL marketing folks. Probably used to write the tech manual for my toaster.

Anonymous said...

That upside down mutant stem on the Huffy is terrible.

Wrench Monkey said...

Hey! That picture of the baboon (in tha animal kingdom we call it presentin') is not safe for where I work.

Der Blaue Reiter said...

yikes! after all that sex talk the video at the end was putting out a VERY strong masturbatory vibe.

"What'd you do today?"
"Oh, just trackstanded alone in my room while breathing heavily and listening to the tires squeak on the wood floor"

I feel dirty.

Mongo Pusher said...

Top 25 in the AP poll.

kale said...

Is Vittoria going to produce a line indoor tires in more colorways? That's a heretofore untapped resource.

Hallwaycats: coming to a suburban mall near you.

Squeek!

flaco said...

why don't they just ride frickin unicycles already, all they are using the bike for is a flippin balancing act.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Thanks a lot. My helper monkey is so worked up over the babboon picture that he will be worthless to me for the rest of the day!

Anonymous said...

Fucking jew doctors.

Will Handsfield said...

Mid Pack, but at least I'm not sandbagging the heat every time.

Will Handsfield said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jolene said...

lol jesus that monkey picsure is uglyier than a cornhole in awgust boy howdy i think that was funny good job for being funny today

Udder said...

What an adroit post. Weird Jew bikes...

Shram said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

flaco,

Amen. No brakes, no hands,..no bars and no fork would be even more tuff. a lot of them look like hairy colourful clowns as is, with their Howard the Duck eyeglasses and oversized flat brimmed hats and all.

red neckerson said...

hey jolene that girl kinda reminded me a little of you cos all them tatoos what them yankee folk dont knows is that when you gets a kentucky wildcat tatoo the cats tung looks like a big dick so its a legal way to walk around with a big dick tatood on you

they is purdy popular in viper i seen them in fisty too

Anonymous said...

i got that same nigerian craigslist klein bikesdirect email the other day.

grog said...

Squeakin' where the rubber meats the wood.

R S
U Q
B U
B E
E A
R K

Camp Cupboard said...

I wonder what was in her "amazing chest"? Treasure? Toys? Sweaters and mothballs?

CommieCanuck said...

The Folsom shoes are badass, and as demonstrated by BSNYC, one can be a fixie stunting, and be in solitary in Folsom.

Those shoes just scream, "I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die."

It seems like all this clothing is designed to allow you to ride a bike, without allowing you to look like you ride a bike. It's all about shame. Those pants should come with a fake set of Mercedes keys, so you can have that, "I really drive a car" look, without the cost or parking hassle.

The video has all the hipster components:

Extra real steel bikes-check
No furniture-check (sitting comfortably is selling out to the man)
Attitude-check

Thus, this guy is the real deal, in steel. So fuck off.

jolene said...

red most are just verycose vains but they is kind of resembing those tatoes she got i cant see its on my tramp stamp

leroy said...

Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Awesome sauce.

Awesome sauce who?

Awesome sauce dropped on my Cordarounds while eating Buffalo wings at the Rotundo Bar.

Jay said...

If spending over $150 on a crappy old 10 speed just to spend a few hundred more turning it into something with minimal functionality so you can stand still in your living room is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

leroy said...

And yes, I am ashamed of my last post.

kale said...

Are the Folsom meant to be worn at the Street Faire of which it shares the same name?

Truly only a masochist would rub those.

Bill said...

feel no shame leroy, it was fine, just fine. full of impunity.

Chuck Jones said...

I would totally protect that chick's nipples with a tablespoon of my awesome sauce!

I.P. said...

pictures are always so much sexier with a huffy thrown in the mix.

Bearshirt said...

"Ghostface - catch a blast from a hype verse, My glock burst, leave in a hearse, I did worse"

Snobbie - it was about time for a Bikesnob/Wu-Tang collabo. THank you.

bikesgonewild said...

..."slathered in impunity and awesome sauce."...

...& a modicum of insouciance, as side order, queried the grammatical gourmand ???...

Pretty Tony said...

Knock on daddy-o's door get the scope
He's not home, he took Ishmael to Park Slope

Ghostface Italy Pro 260 said...

Two hours later, schemin like DeNiro in Casino
Son better have more coke than Al Pacino


Good catch on the 260 crossover.

J.P. Prewitt said...

I'm 99% sure Ishmael is a clue to Snob's identity...

If you pull the string, the sweater will unwind...

Luck E. 7 said...

Article noun conjunction article adjective noun verb article adverb!

That's write! but not right...

Is that the KevinFtMeyers bearskin portrait? Love the Huff.


A

Doug said...

All good!

Anonymous said...

I've been wearing a pair of waterproof timberland kindadressy shoes to commute on my fixed gear in the winter for a few years now, and have raved of their well suitedness for this to more than one fellow northeast rider. dont let the seal of dissaproval deter you all. No i don't work for timberland, their shoies are just nice.

Anonymous said...

that guy in the living room video is quite a douche.
i was okay with everything but the middle finger.

"take that, society!"

Anonymous said...

thanks for a great post, snob. i was very amsued by it.

Anonymous said...

The post-coital bearskin rug pose of the guy that just finished with the Huffy is just creepy. Didn't some guy in Scotland just get busted For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge of a bicycle?

Tony Stark said...

I've been wearing a pair of waterproof timbaland shoes to commute on my fixed gear in the winter for a few years now, and have raved of their well suitedness for this to more than one fellow northeast rider. dont let the seal of dissaproval deter you all. No i don't work for timberland, their shoies are just nice, yo.

Anonymous said...

that was the gayest thing i've ever seen. these bearded fellows make me embarrassed to ride a fixed gear. i may have to switch back to gears because of them... but if i do that, they win. aaaargh.

Anonymous said...

Is that a large rectangular object in your Cordarounds Bike-to-Work pants, or are you just happy to see me?

Seth Root said...

hi all. glad to see at least few of you liked my video. i never expected it to wind up here, that's for sure.. if you want to see me again, or laugh, or whatever, at least check out my better vid. oh, and thanks BSNYC!

youtube.com/watch?v=1TYDvVUQsr4

Anonymous said...

Unlike Kill Bill's "Crazy 88", there are actually 260 on the Italia Pro 260 team. The "Crazy 88" called themselves that "just to sound cool"

Anonymous said...

beards are the woosie's knuck tat

Anonymous said...

http://www.flickr.com/photos/willlaren/3358767047/
j

abe lincoln said...

take that y'all!

Bearshirt said...

Seth - good attitude to take about your video being posted here. You were going to get hated on no matter what - at least people are watching your videos, right? If it gets to be too much, just throw down those infamous words to let 'em know how you feel. Write it on your rims, get a tat, whatever.

For the record, I kinda hated on the video too, but who really cares?

Anonymous said...

i think the middle-finger was directed at his dad....
Anyone else heard of the Mc GangBang.

Fierce Panties USA said...

Nice apartment-bar-spin. When the fixters start to clean x-large gaps with a bar spin then I'll maybe admit that I'm impressed.

Set up a ramp out the apartment window over the fire escape to jump the entire street, while in the air give the finger to a dude on a crabon below, bar spin, and land through the open window on the opposite side of the street while clipped in. That's when I'd have to give it up and say, SICK!!

Julia said...

i want a breakless single speed.

bikesgonewild said...

...i agree w/ fierce panties as to what would be a "sick" scenario...

...& if ya miss, hit the brick wall & fall down to the street below, ya gotta get up & do a pee wee herman-esque "i meant to do that !!!" as you wobble off down the street...

...no matter how much it hurts...

naacp said...

timberland = construckkktion gear

bloody knufuckkkyoules said...

timb land

timberland said...

hang tree

timbo said...

rope burn

frilly said...

Hey, AP, I figured it out later. After I had come off my birthday cake induced sugar high.

Must've gotten delayed in Nice. Such a shame.

rusty said...

Seth Root,
Nice apartment. Very nice.

Anonymous said...

Seth looks Amish... any correlation to the porn from last week?

libertyonbikes! said...

ahhhhhhh.
something you do by yourself indoors?

so fixed gears are the
Hairy Palms of cycling?

Anonymous said...

crabon fiber is amsuing too.

Anonymous said...

that video is like taping yourself masturbating, and then watching it.
j

Andy Pandy said...

Titanium, aluminum or Stainless bars. Lightness versus affordability versus corrosion resistance...…. Decisions decisions decisions. And should the spelling be pawed … just contributin and thought the Grammar Nazi might have swooped onto that.

Happy what ever-th Frills. Hope that swarthy latino suits you. You now have to pedal your behind off to burn away the junk calories inside that frosting

Astroluc said...

I had a few things opening up in the background as I waited for mr. livingroom fixter to load. It so happens that a video of an unfortunate woman who cannot park to the tune of the Hampster Dance (from yahoo http://video.yahoo.com/network/100284668?v=4533761&l=3774753 ) kicked in at the same time that I began watching this Polyurethaned Hardwood Floor trickery in a background tab... it took me a few seconds to realize that the "hampster dance" did NOT belong to the livingroom hipster.

Too bad... the added music really accented the prolonged trackstand.

Bearshirt said...

Actually, this is probably the best possible soundtrack for that video.

Surly Bastard said...

I've never seen a Amish dude flip anybody off before. Of course I've never seen an Amish dude with a camera. Or a fixie. Or a sweet apartment like that. Think he broke in?

Hmmm.

Seth Root said...

LOLOL Bearshirt wins.

Anonymous said...

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/bik/1078255797.html

An abomination WTB a better looking saddle?

Anonymous said...

Why the attitude? Relax man, get a girlfriend (or something)

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