Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cult Following: Harbingers of the Apocalypse


(Jackalope by Erik K)


Further to yesterday's post, I am still having trouble reconciling the hillbilly-esque "hipster" (or hipster-esque "hillbilly") pictured with the can of PBR. Certainly this co-mingling of styles is nothing new--it dates back at least to Bob Dylan. Still, there's just something unsettling about the current incarnation, and in an attempt to understand it I delved deeper into the photo album and found this photo of the same person in repose at home:



Scanning the room, the majority of visible elements seem to fall into the "hipster" column:



While the adjustable wrench and the PBR can go both ways, and while "hipsters" rarely wear white socks, overall I don't think it would be inappropriate to consider this person a "hipster." But the proverbial jackalope in the room is, of course, the pistol. Until now, "hipsters" resisted guns as fervently as they resisted sincerity. So the advent of a new breed of gun-toting "hipster" is a disturbing sign.

So why might a "hipster" feel the need to arm himself? Is he protecting his slovenly home from some malevolent third party's attempts to clean it? Has excessive marijuana smoking made him paranoid? Did he simply find it nestled in his beard one morning after a long night of excessive PBR consumption? No, I don't think any of these explanations are adequate. Unfortunately, the implications are probably far more insidious.

As incongruous as a gun-toting "hipster" may seem, there is certainly historical precedent for this behavior. The last "hipsters" to take up arms were the Symbionese Liberation Army in the 1970s:


The SLA were most famous for kidnapping heiress Patty Hearst and robbing a bank. It could be then that the armed "hipsters" from yesterday's post are planning a similar caper. Perhaps they plan to kidnap Paris Hilton, go to a track bike boutique, and steal a bunch of cogs.

But probably the most famous "hipsters" to use deadly weapons were the Manson Family in the late 1960s:



Under the command of Charles Manson, the Manson Family concocted what was probably the most ambitious plan ever devised by a group of "hipsters." Basically, they were going to make a Beatles-esque album. Obviously, all groups of four or more "hipsters" attempt to record an album at some point, so this is not remarkable in itself. But the Family did not stop there. This album was going to be so great that it was going to incite an apocalyptic race war in which the blacks would annihilate the whites, which the Family would wait out in some kind of underground city. (This is not as far-fetched as it sounds, because most "hipster" music does make you want to kill white people.) But like most "hipsters," they couldn't really get the album together, and instead of following "hipster" tradition by simply ditching their plans and talking vaguely about making a movie, they decided to kill a bunch of people. The lesson, of course, is that when "hipsters" plan, bad things happen. "Hipsters" are like titanium bottom bracket spindles--put too much pressure on them and they crack.

So I'm relatively certain that the "hipsters" from yesterday's post are tragically following in the Manson family's footsteps. By selling that old Gitane conversion for $300, they hope to jump-start the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse. Once it's underway, they'll probably hunker down somewhere with a few years' supply of canned beer until the land has been laid to waste and the fixed-gear riders smote. Then, they can re-emerge as the only fixed-gear riders in the world. I only hope they don't grow impatient in the meantime and begin to kill.

Speaking of the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse, there's no shortage of signs out there--as long as by "signs" you mean weird bikes. For example, a reader has sent me this horrifying photo, which reveals what bicycle hunters call a "six-point buck":


So it is written in the "Book of Redundancy":

"There shall come a bicycle, and that bicycle's handlebars shall have barends, and those barends shall in turn have barends. And there shall be much sorrow and rending of Primal jerseys."

Then I saw this specimen, also foretold by the "Book of Redundancy":


"Atop a steer tube extender shall be clamped an adjustable stem, which in turn shall be angled heavenward. To the bars shall be clamped a mount for a GPS, or perhaps an electric shaver, and to the seatpost shall be clamped a reverse-entry clipless saddle. Its rider shall reap the souls of fixed-gear riders, and he shall place them in his Jandd bag for easy portage."

Even more horrifying was this Cervelo, spotted by Daddo.one:


While at first glance it appears to be as fine a bicycle as you're likely to find under any dentist, closer inspection reveals this terrifying saddle:


I don't know what creature's buttocks one might find perched atop a saddle like that, but I can only imagine that it is cleft in twain to make room for the tail of Satan himself.

I also recently spotted this early 90s Paramount:

One might think the fact that it still retains its original derailleur drivetrain (not to mention its original pie plate) and has not been converted to a fixed-gear despite having horizontal dropouts is an encouraging sign. However, note the paint job, which happens to be virtually identical to Ratt vocalists Stephen Pearcy's unitard circa 1984:

Clearly the fact that a bike from the early 90s has an early 80s paintjob means it exists perpetually 8-10 years in the past. Essentially, it's an apparition, and eventually it will be converted to a fixed-gear--but by then the Apocalypse will have already happened and nobody will be alive to see it. Not even this poor, innocent Pista, with it's saggy chain and droopy saddle:



And its incongruously perky bars:


It is with this tragic countenance that it shall greet its demise.

But probably the most disturbing sign I've come across was this warehouse in Brooklyn, which appears to be housing some kind of pedal-driven contraption:



I wasn't about to run afoul of the dog, and I wouldn't be surprised if there were some armed "hipsters" in there too. It's possible this is some kind of flying machine, or else some kind of "lunar cycle." In any case I think someone may be building the cycling equivalent of Noah's Ark.

I hope they can find a male and a female jackalope.

145 comments:

Anonymous said...

huzzah!

Anquetil's Mother said...

1st!!

Anonymous said...

yes!

Anquetil's Mother said...

damn you anonymous.

Anonymous said...

bla

Anonymous said...

just missed!

T-had said...

5th

Anonymous said...

Top ten!

Yeah....

wishiwasmerckx said...

Top ten.

that guy said...

Damn!

Flawed Dog said...

top 10?

Anonymous said...

Top 12
WTF???

Wrench monkey said...

Did you mo-rons read the post? Oh sorry, I meant to say Woot! Woot!

Mark said...

armstrong!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, I hate to be a prick (oops, too late), but the past tense of "smite" is "smote"," not "smited."

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Not RM said...

Who doesn't want to be part of the Manson family, free sex and drugs... count me in.

Not RM

g said...

Why does it seem that everytime a geared bike is shown it's sitting in 53x23? Do all of these people think the gears are sequential and therefore can't shift off the big ring until they have covered the whole rear cog?

Doug said...

True story: I have a buddy whose earliest childhood memory is of his dad and Jim Morrison chasing Charles Manson out of their Venice neighborhood.

Bill said...

i think that guy was in that stupid times article about the new culinary movement of brooklyn. i hated that article......

Anonymous said...

If you really don't understand the hipster's guns, you just don't "get" South Carolina.

Ignorance is bliss in this case.

hillbilly said...

thanks for saving me from stupid NYTimes cycling comments such as:

(as my alterego flaco pointed out already)

"I hope people don’t think that bike maintenance is a big deal. It’s not. I spend almost nothing on my bikes, add oil and tighten a nut here and there. It’s not like paying $1500 for a transmission or $800 for new car tires. Bike maintenance is hardly something to talk about as an issue."

Anonymous said...

Fixed gear bicycles and guns. I think there's a new olympic sport there waiting to happen.

ant1 said...

ant1st!

kinfolk said...

hillbilly-

PBR is a great chain degreaser when used before you dip it in the turkey fryer. Good to go!

As for nuts - haters: you know how to tighten them.

Test Tickle said...

Hey Steven,

Is that a sock in your unitard or are you really glad to see me!?

Anonymous said...

South Carolina is the third most dangerous state in the U.S., and ranks #1 for assaults:
http://www.walletpop.com/insurance/most-dangerous-states

Even the hipsters need to be armed down he-ah.

hillbilly said...

how do you think these hipsters get along with the emo lookin, skinny jean much more effeminate looking hipsters more commonly seen in billyburg, etc...

also, in a rare foray out to greenpoint last weekend i noticed a whole lot of the faux-preppy look that was especially troubling (izods with pastel sweaters draped over neck). is this another type altogether? and can the first type shoot this type?

Surly Bastard said...

Snob -

While you've covered many of the original hipsters, you've failed to note the first "hipster" of them all:

Jackalope Kerouac.

Had he lived today he no doubt would have ridden around the neighborhood on a borrowed fixie rather than hitchhike across America. So instead of "On The Road," it would have been some inane drivel like ""Track Stand in the Street."

jhota said...

hey, this is the South. once you pass the requisite residency exam, they issue you one (or more, depending on your test score).

hillbilly said...

surly bastard is right, except the title would have definitely had "bitch" as the last word in the title.

heightsbilly said...

hillbilly 2:06-

That was me and my crew on our regular weekend skedj - brunch before a quick sesh of squash at the Bushwick Country Club, then high tea at the Met.

Jim said...

Dude, that's Jens Vogt's old team CSC Cervelo with the funny seat. Being Jens Vogt, he needs to rock a noseless saddle, otherwise he'd have no place to sling his enormous brass balls. Well, except maybe over his shoulder and tests showed that's not very aero.

Key facts about Jens:

- Jens Vogt doesn't fear pain; pain fears Jens.

- Jens Vogt dropped himself once, just to show that, at least in theory, it is possible to drop Jens Vogt. Nobody else has repeated the feat.

- Jens Vogt is only good at two things in road cycling: attacking, and everything else.

- The hardest substance found in nature is Jens Vogt's heart.

- Jens Vogt's will is a good substitute for an anvil, in a pinch.

- Jens Vogt once won a martial arts showdown... against China.

- Lance Armstrong's girlfriend got pregnant by just watching Jens Vogt race on Versus.

- In the original Book of the Apocalypse, the end of the world was denoted by Jens Vogt on a pale bike, but they changed it to four horsemen named Conquest, War, Famine, and Death to make it sound less terrifying.

kale said...

Jens Vogt sounds a lot like Chuck Norris.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Bad pun alert: Did you hear about the knight who gave up smoting because it was bad for his health?

Test Tickle said...

Jens Vogt's knuckle tattoos read:

JENS VOGT

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Smote's not quite good enough, here either.

"until the land has been laid to waste and the fixed-gear riders smote."

You need past participle, "smitten".

"Cleft in twain" was very nice though.

Jack webb said...

All those geeks sending in photos of bikes they spotted. . . those are their own bikes.

bikesgonewild said...

...surly b...ya but "trackstand in the street", inane drivel that it might be, would inspire even greater numbers of pbr & marijuana fogged hipsters to new soul searching heights...

...btw, i hope you'll pick up a copy of my new book "the existential angst of the fix gear hipster: 'meh in the streets' "...

...is it a good read ???...who cares ???...

jolene said...

jes cause you had a gun dont mean you nows how to shoots it ricky i dont now if you is there but i sees you at the other side of the librarrys computer lab and then i saw that pictshur on the snobs thing then i saw you and then i saw the picture and you have a bigger gun and aint so purty from the front and yor tatoo of the snake eating the leopard fighting david lee roth is way better than that injun leg thing but i still think hes doable not to make you jellis

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Please disregard that first comma in my previous comment.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

And my other obvious faults.

Jason Pearlman said...

Jens Voight is the Chuck Norris of cycling, or rather, Chuck Norris is the Jens Voight of non-cyclists. And for all of you Voighters out there, this weekend is the Jens Voight show itself - the Criterium Internacional - where Voight will trash the field while riding a beat-up city commuter MTB with six-point buck handlebars.

david lee roth's knuckles said...

HIGH KICK
COKE BINJ

innerlighter said...

Jim,
I know there's no "I" in "team", but I'm pretty sure there is one in "Voigt".

And anyway, isn't that saddle on the Cervelo the "Testicles Relaxing" saddle from the quiz?


eh

Luck E. said...

That Cervelo is someone's ironic coffee bike, as indicated by the permanently affixed hot beverage sleeve in the cage.

Furthermore, I believe the "seat" is actually all that remains after dissolving due to continuous blasts of acidic urine and feces from the coffee-riddled dentite.

Not surprisingly, the rest of the bike is unscathed, cuz Cervelos are known to deflect more shit than any other.


A

Jens Voigt's knuckes said...

SAXO BANK

hillbilly said...

yes, there is an I, but Jason, there is no H.

Hey, I just found more guys I hate!

http://brooklynbikeandboard.com/

Anonymous said...

u
n
b i
i = t
b a
s r
d
s

Anonymous said...

gurgle

Test Tckle formerly Test Tickle said...

Fgured there was somethng fshy wth the spellng of Vogt. Dammt.

anon 2:11 said...

I wish this "Fixed-Gear Apocalypse" would hurry up and happen already so I can stop hearing about it.

You never should have abandoned it's original mascot. It's probably all mad now and going to wait another 1000 years.

I guess its not so bad. It's not like this material gets tired or anything.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps, as the ultimate hardy-har-har irony, it's a fake gun.

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:56 p.m.:
Why do you say its a fake gun. From the photo album pictures it appears to be a late 60's early 70's Colt GoldCup .45 with some modifications like a spur hammer and the diamond pattern grips ... both of which were popular back then. Both the .45 and the shotgun (small gauge skeet gun) appear to have been in storage for years. They are badly in need of cleaning and oiling. Still the handgun would bring in about 6-700 dollars on gunbroker.com and depending on the manufacturer and guage about the same for the shotgun.

bk jimmy said...

Collectively the members of Ratt make up a pentatard.

hillbilly said...

They ever play a double bill with Poison?

ant1 said...

anon 2:11 - if you don't want to hear about the alpalcalips anymore, just burry your head in the sand (ie stop reading this blog). I love people that complain about free content.

g said...

HB,
apparently, they did. 1987 and then the Monsters of Rock tour later that year. doesn't make it right.

hillbilly said...

thanks g, if it's so wrong, how come it just feels so right?

D-Day said...

"cleft in twain"
These words together make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Enough with the callbacks! You're a witty writer but please stop ending EVERY blog entry with a callback! "Bicycling" magazine probably loves that kind of crap but don't you find it kind of formulaic?

Or maybe you just love callbacks.

g said...

We all need something in our "Pit of Embarrassment". Mine happens to have a 22 year old ticket (not autographed) in it. I am sure there's some big hair in there if I dig deep enough...

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 3:20pm,

I love two things: callbacks and jackalopes.

--RTMS

PS: Jackalopes.

D-Day said...

I don't understand. What is a call back?

grog said...

I always seem to confuse the Manson Family with the Partridge Family. Jackalopes are related to partridges. Therefore, the Mansons are jackalopes.
Ah, there's the rub.
All you haters smite your balls.
*nipple wrench*

hillbilly said...

I don't know, just reminds me of "hollywood shuffle', 'i got a callback!'

ken e. said...

that's when the jackalope phones the next day and says "hey that was fun, let's hook up again..."

Atlatl said...

I don't see what's so strange about hipsters with guns. I mean, my friends and I would likely be called hipsters by you snob (in that we ride fixed gears, dress in black tight jeans regardless of gender, and listen to punk, even if it is crust punk). I for one would love to learn to shoot and get some guns. Then again, like these folks, I live in a rural area, but one that still has a lot of hipsters (including real ones, of which I wouldn't count myself). I could easily see any and all of us messing around with guns. It just doesn't seem that strange to me.

sendmeasnuggie said...

what is the difference between a "real" hipster and you, pray tell?

CommieCanuck said...

Jens is extremely potent (5 kids), of course he gets that way by riding noseless saddles. Cyclists are dying off due to genetic selection, as we ride more, our Johnson's get softer, and we have fewer kids. Think I'm kidding? Then why are there so many naked chicks on bikes on the inner nets? -bike riders trying desperately to get it up

If this continues , there will be an entire generation without cyclists, the F150 Generation.

Fluffy said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

The Cervelo seat is just wrong, on every level

Mark F said...

I HAVE SOLVED the hipsterbilly mystery.

Clearly, this is simply your garden-variety hipster who has FOUND a pistol, as anyone who has handled guns knows that you never actually put your finger on the trigger (as his is), unless you're ready to shoot something.

Unless, of course, this is the last photo of his poor dog, Old Yeller.

CommieCanuck said...

Beavalope.

Because real men are into beaver.

Surly Bastard said...

BGW - I'm always sucker for a good angst driven, existentially riddled read.

That's why I stop by here everyday.

mono_vs_stereo said...

Clearly the dentist rub/rock/running that Cervelo with the asscheek saddle is afraid of climbing, unlike my personal heroes Marco Pantani and the Pallas cat.

Look up the Pallas cat- I'm lazy.

Anonymous said...

Awesome post, and best comment section ever. Snobbie, you're a genius, and your future success is well-deserved.

Not following the gun-thread, though. Penile replacement psychology is not something I comprehend.

bikesgonewild said...

...surly b...this IS where it's on display, huh ???...

...& commiecanuk...beavalopes are weak & you know it...real red blooded canadian males are into the country's best kept secret (until now)...
...the beavamoose...now that is a beav' w/ some serious horns...but i don't seem to have any fotos handy...

Jaminben said...

Bring back the SLA they were on some real life Robin Hood SHit!

southpole said...

i'm confused... is there no difference between hipsters and hippies? and what is the connection to cycling?

Xzibit said...

Sup dawg we heard you like barends

Seanywonton said...

Bill said...

"i think that guy was in that stupid times article about the new culinary movement of brooklyn. i hated that article......"

Isn't he a Mast Brother? I think that gun is actually made out of chocolate.

Anonymous said...

So is Buycycling Mag paying you to do their new Bike Snob column. After that piece of news, I'll probably have to stop visiting your website.

Anonymous said...

I think a true hipster is somebody thinks he is better than everybody else including his friends.Not based on what you drink,wear,or bike you ride.I love this blog and love all the responses everyday. But you all are typical american attitude of classifying people for how different they are based on stupid shit like what kind of beer you drink or what kind of ride you got.I grew up in south carolina and lived in brooklyn its the same thing but in the south people are more genuine WITH GUNS. BSNYC your post have been good the last few days

shove that pistol up your redneck ass said...

that dude is a straight up redneck, nothing remotely hip or hipster about him. a true hipster wouldn't be caught anywhere near those posters (though I must confess that tommy sandoval is amazing, even if zero is totally passe), that footwear or that scary-ass living room.
all people like him should spontaneously combust. pistols aren't cute.

hillbilly said...

well, damn straight skippy, hell if you ain't right, seany

http://www.mastbrotherschocolate.com/

bikesgonewild said...

..."Anonymous said...
So is Buycycling Mag paying you to do their new Bike Snob column. After that piece of news, I'll probably have to stop visiting your website."
...

...fuck, dude, we'll be hanging on yer every word now, just waiting to see if the "probably" turns an "actually"...
...believe me when i say "we are concerned"...

...just sayin'...

flaco said...

I hate to agree with these other scumbag commenters, but I gots to. I think you done stretched hipster label too far, I don't think this douchy qualifies as hipster...maybe modern hippy, more like classic unabomberish redneck, in other words, most of the people I went to school with.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:24pm,

Actually, I'm paying "Bicycling" to publish me. Sorry to see you go.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

""Bicycling" magazine probably loves that kind of crap"

Funny you should say that as BikeSnob apparently IS bicycling magazine.

http://urbanvelo.org/bikesnobnyc-joins-bicycling-magazine/

d. fofonov said...

Malchik privet, discussion of Mr. Jens is to be causing me to leave large brown spot on my lycra-wrapped ass, regreting that I wear white lycra for to be feeling French in nature.

It is for you to be telling jokes about the man, but to have your lungs ripped out is enough to driving you to use of safe and natural and should be legal nutritional supplements for improving performance.

So I am appreciating no more of the talking for Mr. Jens. Out in Losovoya having limited supplies of vodka to deal with harsh mammories.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Upon her release by the Symbionese Liberation Army, Patti Hearst complained of them forcing her in her captivity to cook, clean and submit to sex involuntarily. Millions of American housewives thought to themselves "And this is different than my everyday life how?"

giddy lee said...

i have no problem with the call back method of writing a blog. it is similar to the way acolumn is written. and mentally it allows a reader to complete a series of thoughts.
i am more tired of all the crappy bike snob copycat blogs than i am his content.

db said...

@ Anon. 4:34:

Just off the short bus?

Translation: Yeah, we know.

CommieCanuck said...

Beavamoose

jhota said...

Atlatl:

Chucktown isn't rural. admittedly, it's no LA, ATL or NYC. but it's the second-largest city in the state.

we just like our guns down here.

Fierce Panties OMG said...

Contemporary Southern hipsters achieve instant street cred with a gun. And anywhere in the South one can instantly acquire a gun.

In my clique, in the pre-irony days of the 80's, we would drop acid and buy small hand guns at Wal-Mart. The irony being, "can a 20 year tripping on LSD buy a gun and a very large amount of ammo?"

And of course the answer is hell yes you can.

The defining characteristics of the hipster are superiority, apathy, insincerity, and irony. But owning a gun is a contrived way to have a spine, a purpose, and authenticity.

The Hickster is a played-out trend that borrows Southern values from real life hicks like gun love, xenophobia, racism, sexism, and illiteracy.

It's very chic. And I agree that the guns are not fake. The hipsters are faking it, but the guns are real.

Gun owners are pussies. All of 'em. Including my father, his father, my uncle, my brother-in-law, and my friend Pete who rubs a .45 in his Cambleback.

All of 'em are a bunch of scared little insecure gun-totin' pussies.

ant1 said...

I'd bet Chuck Norris owns a gun. Not a pussy, that guy.

ant1 said...

and...

ant1 said...

ant100th!

bikesgonewild said...

...the secret is out, eh ???...(see, my canuck accent comes 'out' when i see a beavamoose)...

...thank you, cc...now i need a few quiet minutes to reflect on my heritage...

Matt! said...

Pentatard!

Jim said...

Kale - Jens is a lot like Chuck Norris. In fact, you've probably heard about the 18 mile long circular boxing ring that they built for their fight - the Large Hadron Collider. It was feared that a collision between the two would create a black hole, but then it was discovered that Chuck Norris is basically just another side of Jens Vogt.

I spell Vogt without because all vowels other than E and O are afraid to work with Jens after he slapped an X really hard, creating K.

But seriously, I caught a lot of races with Jens last year on RAI and the Italian pronunciation is "Voke-ta" and that has stuck in my reptile brain and displaced the proper German spelling. Meine Faillung.

ant1 said...

Jim - "I spell Vogt without because all vowels other than E and O are afraid to work with Jens after he slapped an X really hard, creating K." Good one!

ant1 said...

ha ha, just noticed you forgot the i again.
"I spell Vogt without because..."

frilly said...

Lose the clunky belts, throw a jersey & a couple of religious medals on him and that Ratt guy would be ready for the Pyrenees.

broomie said...

These aren't actually Hipsters. But, they do share a common ancester. They followed a path of parallel evolution and resemble Hipsters. So, it is easy to mistake the two. The error is in concluding that this species ride the bikes they own, which they do not. Observation of intraspecies variations reveals that you are just as likely to encounter R/C kits, musclecars, bathroom hydroponics, child porn, and Nintendos as you would a bicycle. Most in various states of repair.
Their correct classification is: Metro Scumbagis, or Ruralis Dirtbagus, not the more urbane and frequently better educated Hipcystis Duchebagus.

Jack Lopes said...

I hate to admit it, but I kind of miss Red Neckerson. He should be able to help us sort all these weirdos out.

Hmmm. Seems odd, his not being here. I wonder...

Bluenoser said...

Shit I read the thing and just missed the 100.

-B

MinnesotaMad said...

I agree about bout the evolution of the "hipster" convergence with the "hillbilly". I believe that that particular hybrid is known as either the "hipbilly" or the "billyster" depending on bicycle choice of parents. As I a have noticed that the "hipsters" and in result their hybrid offspring are a direct result of geographical location. Here in Minnesota there is a close cousin of the "hipbillies". They are very similar in apearence with thick beards and lush flannel. Instead of guns the rub/rock hatchets and Axes and drink Schlitt's and Hamm's beer. But are known as "hipJacks". I am fairly certain that there is another subspecies in the deepest part of Louisiana, most certain a mix between "cajun" and "hipster".

Bluenoser said...

Snobbie,

That is an expensive version of the Spongy Wonder. A canuck invention built to put on the other canuck invention, The Cervelo... to keep your dick from snapping off after it has frozen in a northern winter ride.

Made in New Brunswick.

-B

Anonymous said...

Broomie: clever, that.

Daddo said...

Jack - that ain't my Cervelo.
The wheel in the background of the saddle shot is mine though, so I guess, in a roundabout way, you're right.

Bluenoser said...

We actually grow beards up here to keep our faces warm. Not because we don't know how to or too stoned to trust ourselves with a razor.

Just about now we'd be shaving them off and taking a bath, just after the maple syrup has come to a boil.

We do have guns but we use them to fend off the hungry bears that are coming out of a winters sleep at the same time.

Nothing like sitting back getting a shave while sucking back a can of Pabst Blue Syrup while popping off a few shots at a hungry Yogi Bear and Boo Boo.

-B

Johnny Sprocket said...

RATT... hahaha !! Man, that's one album collection I'd love to see. You've mentioned some crackers in the past as well.

Fell On Earth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Fell On Earth said...

Best be careful highlighting that Paramount, a truly inspired jackalope-hipster could go all Jackson Pollock on the next "gear less" custom with cast-off blood spatter from a recent scarification round and an accidental self-inflicted gunshot wound.

Anonymous said...

bike snob you have an art history degree? your essays have the feel of a post grad in structure.

perhaps you went bonkers over dave hickeys air guitar too back in the day...

urchin said...

Another hidden connection in the pistol--I'm not ready to identify the make, but it is one of the many Colt 1911 model clones out there, which are kind of like the fixed gear of handgunning. Hundreds of modification parts are available, and the true aficionado has a good solid frame, perhaps by Colt or Les Baer, which is built up with a specific slide, a match grade trigger job (the Phil Wood hub of the scene), custom backstrap checkering, perhaps a magazine well extension... Timed combat simulation matches are their alleycats, though many are happy to dote over their extremely expensive creations without ever competing, or even shooting that well.

The pictured specimen is probably the equivalent of a Schwinn frame with a few anodized components for glitter. Looks the part from a distance, but probably not that tuned.

Ahem, callback:
Okay, start making 'trigger job' jokes.

NPJ

Fred said...

Try this at your next cotillion or sweet sixteen: the Jens Voigt Drinking Game!

Chug-alug your PBR, Courvoisier, etc. every time Phil or Paul say Jens' full name. You'll be taking your pants off over your head in no time!

Only pros and individuals over 300 lbs should play if you are watching a time-trial or Jens is in the breakaway.

Leprechaun said...

FP OMG, calling a bunch of people pussies anonymously on the internet strikes me as being kind of a pussy.

and I thought you were all Canadians in disguise said...

Mind you, if you also call them pussies in person, or behind their backs amongst other relations, that's perfectly all right.

I could call them pussies over the internet and with a frontier between us but, well, not having much experience with heavily armed pussies, I'll just quietly open a 50 (but not really).

CanuckATat, Eh? said...

PUSS EEEE

red neckerson said...

if you gots a long beard but you owns stock and shit you aint no hilljack

hippies offen own stocks and shit because they was a fony balony movement from the gitgo

they was just a bunch of commonists i mean after all that castro feller has a long beard and hell put him in a flannel shirt and hed look like one of us and we hears so much spanish at the walmart id swear i was in cuber if cuber happens to have walmarts

if they dont they needs to get some theyd be better for it

anyways if you takes yor money and invests in difrent kinds of ammo or even better get all the stuff sos you kin make yor own or you bys up them hand painted plates that have 'see rock city' barns on them then maybe yor a hilljack

from what jolene tolt me becos she made it thru tenth grade my see rock city plates are worth more than yor damm stocks anyways

i gets to use the computer at the pubic libary late but i aint saying why the libary lady is letting me do it cos jolene would pitch a dying duck fit if she figured it out

Fierce Panties OMG said...

Leprechaun,

You called it.

Anonymous said...

not bad-but coke is better than zero-cum bake snoob

Jason said...

wow... this week has been amazingly good thank you bikesnob!

Anonymous said...

Jackalope theme is boring. If you ever got out of the city and went to a smelly hick bar with scary rednecks who do drink cheap beer and keep loaded firearms in their pickups, you'd see the mounted animal heads on the wall - including the jackalope - and realize what a dumb joke it is. It is not ironic or kitsch or tongue-in-cheek or cutesy or knowing or anything but dull. You are losing it man.

Anonymous said...

first half of this post made me feel like i was reading hipster runoff. good job?

Apocalypse Now said...

"...and on the fourth day, Snob said, 'send forth the haters, that they might suckle from my ballbag'..."

Anonymous said...

Pentatard. Now that was funny!

PammyPam said...

so funny.

kale said...

I don't know how the retarded connection of Williamsburg -> Billyburg -> Hillbilly hasn't been capitalized by some douche club promoter from Bay Shore. Serve up some PBR red eyes for "brunch" with your choice of chicken-fried stuff (probably vegan choice, too- lets not get crazy here!), ironic Big Game Hunter and Keno.

Tell me this hasn't already been done!

(Tip: Use Yorgo's in PDX as a template)

mikeweb said...

The 'mystery pedaling' device under attack dog protection is at Conover St. in 'da Hook. I pedal by there on my way to the Fairway where I load up on all sorts of hipster edibles such as Yorkie bars, organic maple syrup and special cheeses from Eddy Merck's hometown.

If Jens Vogt had campaigned for Huckabee instead of Chuck Norris, things would be MUCH different today. Oh yes, my friend...

Anonymous said...

I spotted a barend on barend mountain bike in my town too, I figured there could only have been one. Was I ever wrong.

Anonymous said...

That was actually the original paint on that Paramount.

Strangely though, it's still kind of an apparition, because it's a Paramount "series" bike made in Japan, and not one of the "true" paramounts made in Waterford, so it leaves C/V bike collectors in a dilemna about whether to praise it for its fine Japanese craftsmanship, or deride it as being an inauthentic import.

mikeweb said...

Exactamundo, Anonymous!

I'm the proud owner of a Waterford Paramount.

I too remember the paint on those Japan versions - I worked in a shop that sold'em in the 90s. Boy, were they hard to sell with those ugly-ass paint jobs... Looks like 1 person actually bought one though - probably for a deep blow-out discount.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Ze1ZcqnO0&feature=related

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixbf_XnsrxQ&feature=related

Snobby, here is the absolute worst video, this should be the answer for all of the wrong friday questions.

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