Thursday, January 29, 2009

Trendcycles: Evolution or Reiteration?

Further to yesterday's post, in which I addressed the condom grip trend, an astute commenter by the name of "Fierce Panties" challenged me. "To say trend would imply that you have seen the [condom grips] more than once. Please clarify." Well, I admit that I was liberal in my use of the word "trend," and while I have seen a condom stuffed inside the hollow axle of a SRAM crank, I have not seen the condom grip apart from that one time. But rest assured, condom grips are a trend. In fact, it's an international trend. Another commenter from Barcelona (that's in Spain) points out that a company indeed markets handlebar condoms to protect riders who use their apparently filthy bike-sharing program:



Now, I don't understand Spanish (I took Creole in high school) so I ran the text through an online translator and learned the following:

That is Cyclean®? It is a disposable, sanitary, and protective case, that avoids the direct contact of our hands with the handles. Its use is recommended in bicycles or machines that are being utilized for many people. Why is necessary? One of the most important elements in our relation with the bicycle are the handles, where we support us, we catch, we touch, with our own hands. A so usual action, that is to be caught and to touch, itself should not become something that damage us. Cyclean® is an element that avoids the direct contact with the handle. That protects us? It avoids that the hands have direct contact with the possible filth. It avoids the contact with the humidity, sweat, etc. Barrier of prevention to possible contagions as: pinkeye, gastroenteritis, colds, etc. Cyclean® has been designed to provide hygiene and comfort.

I agree wholeheartedly that to be caught and to touch should not be something that damage us. I also eschew direct contact with the possible filth, and I live in constant fear of bicycle-borne pinkeye. Pinkeye is a dreaded affliction that breaks out wherever bicycles are shared. Cyclocross pits, velodromes, and the aptly-named "dirt demo" at Interbike are all hotbeds for pinkeye. The only reason you don't see it in the pro road peloton is that the mechanics change riders' bar tape on an almost daily basis. Otherwise pinkeye breakouts would be a common occurrence, and the uninformed observer would think the riders had been doing bong hits in the team bus.

Another international trend is fork-only locking and using filth to deter thieves (the third advantage of the condom grip). A reader in Gothenburg, Sweden has forwarded me this photo, which displays a bike that is not only locked by its fork, but also has a rear rack containing what appears to be used toilet paper and plastic bags:



Apparently, this bike has remained untouched for some time, despite the fact that it would be easy to steal. According to the photographer, it is also "right next to the city museum, where great Swedish inventions are on display." Coincidentally, we have a museum in Brooklyn where great Swedish inventions are on display, too. It's called "Ikea," and it's absolutely amazing. They even have tables that fold! I often park my Empire State Courier there, pile medical waste on it, and browse for hours. It's truly inspirational.

Meanwhile, back in the USA you'll find this bicycle, which was forwarded to me by a reader who offers a compelling analysis:



This cell-photo was taken in front of the Santa Clara County Hall of Justice and has been there for three days untouched. The bicycle owner must have lost whatever court case they had ridden to the court case for and must now be imprisoned. I'll bet his second biggest worry right now is the safety of his huffy (the first being how to get the soap off of the floor).

Or perhaps this bicycle securing job the work of a genius or just some human-spider spawn that casts a web over their beloved huffy but lacks the dexterity of fingers and opposable thumbs to tie knots?

I can't make a judgement as to the percentage of genius or arachnid of the owner as I haven't seen them. But it's worth it to note that the sort of sharp objects required to cut small diameter rope are not allowed in the courthouse so most people who pass by this bike won't be carrying them. This means that stealing this bike would require at least 35 seconds to unwrap all of the rope, make a small loop at one end and push the other end of the rope through that end before you could ride down Hedding street past the county jail on your stolen huffy with a lasso twirling above your head yelling "YEE-HAWWW!!!" loud enough to drown out the squealing drive train.


I agree that this bike's owner must be come kind of spider genius. In a sense, he's also using the "filth deterrent" method, since the word "Huffy" is nearly as repulsive as a used condom.

And speaking of international trends, the hottest one going at the moment is the pie plate. None other than Jack Thurston of London's The Bike Show informs me that Dawes is now offering a single speed/fixed gear that comes with a stock pie plate:

I'm guessing that the rear wheel has a flip-flop hub, though it's difficult to see whether the fixed side also has a pie plate. A flip-flop hub with dual pie plates would truly be an abomination. Meanwhile, also from England, comes this bike, which has a user-installed, fixed-gear pie plate:




Hi there Dennis Love the site. Thought it about time I sent in pictures of my cool whip. Started out as a £45 bargain Raleigh. Stripped off the gears, sprockets taken off by my LBS, and fitted a 14 toother. Like the breaks although back currently broken. Better learn to skip stop fast!! I'm rocking 42:16. This bike really is the cheese - fierce and fast. I've left the protector on - had my fair share of chain off moments and I want to look after those spokes. I'm around Birmingham, England. Hit me up if you see me. Cheers then.

Unfortunately, I'm having trouble believing that this is a naturally-occurring FGPP. My suspicion is that this particular "Cool Whip" is a plant. I agree that it's "the cheese" (which is what Cool Whip becomes if you leave it out in the sun), but the use of "breaks," "rocking," and "fierce" in the same submission just seems too unlikely to be sincere. Actually, it sounds almost exactly like Perscattante's catalog copy for their Courier Series. But maybe I'm just in denial. For years I dreamed of seeing an actual FGPP, and now when I do I refuse to believe in it. It's sad--I should be ecstatic, but instead I find myself experiencing a "chain off moment" of the soul. Perhaps I need some kind of spiritual pie plate.

And really, if the pie plate is a symbol of anything, it's a symbol of mainstream acceptance. For a bike to come stock with a pie plate means it was probably mass-produced either by or for a large company. Yet even though we're only now beginning to see pie plates appear on road-going singlespeed/fixed gear bikes, their metaphorical "pie plate moment" really came long ago.

But the fixed-gear trend has since begat the fixed-gear freestyle trend. Will that too see its "pie plate moment?" I don't know, but I do know that this is a watershed moment in the FGF world, since Milwaukee Bicycle Co. in conjunction with streetwear enthusiast and fixed-gear freestyle apologist Prolly is about to "drop" this:


In many ways, fixed-gear freestyling has been retracing the same steps BMX took 20 years ago, so it's hardly surprising to see the Potts Modification. Yet even for a staunch advocate of brakes like me, this bike raises a question: if fixed-gear freestyling is about being able to pull off tricks with a fixed drivetrain and no brakes, what happens when you add brakes to the equation? Doesn't the fixed drivetrain go from being the element that defines the bike to simply being a contrived handicap? If you want to do tricks and you've already got brakes, why not just go all the way and use a freewheel too? And doesn't that bike exist already anyway?


It seems to me that a fixed-gear optimized for tricks would look a lot different. Actually, that exists already too. It looks like this:


But those are both specialized bikes, and I know and appreciate that Prolly's motivation is a bicycle that one can use to participate in all the various facets of trendy urban cycling: fixed-gear freestyling; alleycats; bike polo; and even commuting. This would make it sort of a hipster Swiss Army Knife. But does that make it truly versatile, or just something with a small blade, a lousy scissor, and a magnifying glass you never use? Bikes seem to be at their best when they're somewhat specialized.

In any case, it will be interesting to see if the new Milwaukee becomes the basis for an entirely new bicycle segment or simply the flat brim fitted cap-wearer's equivalent of a hybrid. One thing, is for sure, though. With this bicycle the fixed-gear freestyler has finally divorced itself entirely from the track bike. Even the Brooklyn Machine Works Gangsta Track now looks quainly "tracky" in comparison. Will it be relegated to the bike rack of history, along with the hybrid and the mixte?



Whatever happens, things tend to work themselves out. Not too long ago, the forces of gentrification seized upon track bikes and started accessorizing them with candy colors and riding around on them while dressed like teenage girls. Finally, this fashion has actually found its way to the appropriate demographic, as you can see in this photo shoot from Teen Vogue, forwarded by a reader:


Now that makes sense.


162 comments:

fantz crazznapper said...

First?

Anonymous said...

Hi mom!

innerlighter said...

points!

Mom said...

What a nice boy

elocinukka said...

Woo!

Anonymous said...

Podi!

Anonymous said...

ten?

kale said...

Top Ten-ish!!!

Kate said...

Top ten ish too!

Mongo Pusher said...

Top Ten. Holy Shmoly!

Anonymous said...

binary podium

Sergio said...

I knew I should have shifted and stood up.

Gnarles Darwin said...

Top ten suckas

Anonymous said...

top....

ah fukc it...

Anonymous said...

I've decided against a top tube bandana on my fixed gear rig in favor of "rocking" a sanitary wet wipe.

Anonymous said...

why doesn't prolly just buy a bmx? he's so intent on aping bmxers, he might as well take the final step.

smovlov said...

I ran home for the top 20!

ant1 said...

ant1st!

libertyonbikes! said...

thank you Teen Vogue,
for that last nail in the coffin.
thank you snob,
I don't know whether to laugh
or cry.

I need to copy those last two for my screen saver.

so does this mean in 2027 that
people will take heavy commuter bikes, and convert them to resemble fixed gears of today, that
are trying to resemble the freestyle bikes of the 80's?

Dr. Mengele said...

Bikes have reached the end of evolution.

Team Rider 3 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Teen Vogue? Can Tiger Beat be far behind?

Team Rider 3 said...

The picture of the condom in the SRAM crank is very disturbing. BikeSnob, have you considered the full body condom to keep you safe?

Dr. Spalm answers your questions at Team Two Wheel Blog.
Rider 3

Anonymous said...

She's whispering: All You Fashion Haters Can Kiss My Green Vagocity Wheelz ...

RM said...

Top 25!

RM

Anonymous said...

I am going to wrap my bars in sanitary napkins swiped from the ladies' room of my doctor's office. (I'll be seeing him for this conjunctivitis that I can't seem to shake. That's "conjuncto" to the hipsters out there.)

Anonymous said...

That does make sense!

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

innerlighter said...

If I read the description of the model's clothes correctly, she's rocking (rubbing?) a pair of tights with huge sections cut out of them in order to wear yet another pair underneath.

This is precisely the type of form following function that will eventually populate the entire Darwin Awards list with hipsters.

Godspeed.


meh.

Lucky 7 said...

Teen Vogue is the cheese . . . fast and fierce.


A

Anonymous said...

Snob,
Brilliant connection between fixed freestyle and bicycle gymnastics (like many brilliant things, it seems so obvious now, hidden in plain view). Makes me wonder if the first U.S. fix freestyler might have a second cousin or something from Prague or some other post-Soviet euro country where the shadow of a police state allows patently absurd (but awesome!) pursuits like bike gymnastics flourish. God bless Tufo.

Anonymous said...

Was that the AYHSMB wheelset censored for teen vogue?

Layerlogic said...

Analysis:

Bike condom both disturbing and scintillating at the same time

Anonymous said...

Re-the Swiss Army Knife: don't forget the ever-sanitary eternal toothpick.

JPB said...

RTMS - I swear I have seen a FGPP in the wild, though I cannot confirm it's level of irony.

Unfortunately, circumstances prevented from procuring a blurry, "bigfoot-in-the-wild" type picture for you;

1)The rider was moving far too quickly for me to catch him without having to break into a brisk walk.
2)As I was dressed in office attire, I am fairly certain I would not be allowed to address any hipster without some sort of proof of my own worthiness, i.e. visible tattoos, "I heart fixies" t-shirt, or some such.

It was a conversion, not a track bike; does that count?

Jim said...

Let's see - flat bars, rugged fork, 700c wheels, fixed gear...
Sounds like a fixed 29'er to me. Wouldn't it be easier to start with a 29'er (e.g. Karate Monkey) and just add a fixed hub and hybrid tires, than slowly evolving a track bike through multiple iterations until it turns into a fixed 29'er?

Jim said...

And BTW, don't knock that Huffy. Despite the pie plate, I can tell it's meant for serious big hit mountain biking. Just look at the thing - it's got through axles. You don't use them unless you're catching mad air.

Sir. Edmund Hillary said...

Jim-

Nothing practical is ever worthwhile.

Disgruntl Ed. said...

"But the fixed-gear trend has since begat the fixed-gear freestyle trend."

Begotten, by god...

Frugal Fixedgear said...

I saw a "spiritual pie plate" at Goodwill yesterday but there was some kind of mental goo on it. Bought a mental mess kit instead.

Gnarles Darwin said...

My job just had it's "Metaphorical Pie Plate Moment"

RM said...

Wow great pics at the end.

I never knew that is what I looked like... I'm hot.

RM

Sweet Fanny Bonanny said...

Plowing the lower 40. Or rocking. Or something.

Anonymous said...

Time to lace up my Stinky with a fixed rear - I'll be waaaay ahead of the curve on the FGDH apocalypse!

T. McKay Battles said...

for a long time now i've been trying to figure out where the line between fg freestyling, and artistic cycling and bmx lies exactly; especially, with milwaukee, charge, etc. all making fixed gear bikes gradually more and more like bmx bikes. why not just put a fixed wheel on a bmx? or a 29er as jim astutely pointed out?

i'm glad RTMS finally addressed the subject. and, i must admit, while i still don't get it, i had never considered this signifying the true break from track bikes and fg freestyle bikes, which i am certainly thankful for.

Wrench Monkey said...

The vogue teen will need to have her spine trued before long if she keeps rubbin' that big bag.

Kareer Kriminal said...

I always ride my crumbiest bike when they demand my incarceration. Don't tie it up with string, though. I lock it around the corner with a $20 bill hid in the handlebar so I got some cash for the trip home. They never let you out the door with any walking around money.

ANGEL OF DEATH said...

Forced in
Like cattle
You run
Stripped of
Your lifes worth
Human mice, for the angel of death
Four hundred thousand more to die ....
er, hop on the bandwagon!?

JPB said...

Anon 1:32 - No need to buy a new hub. THere is a company out there, I forget the name, that makes fixed cogs that bolt to disc rotor holes for people who want to rock the fixed gear on their mountain bikes. Just bolt on your new cog, flip the wheel over and forget about coasting!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Apparently, handlebar tossing has replaced soccer as the national sport of Spain. I love the unintentional effect of transmuting the declarative statement "That protects us." into a pregunta.

leroy said...

No BSNYC Bridge and Tunnel report today?

The ice on the Brooklyn approach to Manhattan Bridge was, as the kids in Williamsburg used to say,"da bomb."

It doubtless inspired the launch of more than one ICBM.

(Or am I confusing that with an Icy BM?)

Anybody take the Brooklyn Bridge this morning?

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKUZOMJV-7g

BikeSnobNYC said...

Leroy,

Sorry! I actually intended to do that but was distracted by a rare urban Rohloff hub sighting. Manhattan Bridge is passable, with patches of ice on both approaches but clear along the span. Run/rock/rub caution this evening, when ice may be difficult to spot.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

that chick at the end can wrap her legs around my neck anytime!

Udder said...

Using actual string to tie up your bike is really old school. I use Silly String in the aerosol can. Only 80 grams and it fits in my carbon fiber bottle cage.

Like, Commiecanuk is so hawt! said...

Bummer on the Creole Snob,I minored in Esperanto, which is pretty fucking useless unless you want to understand what homeless people are yelling at you.

I dropped my Velonews subscription for Teen Vogue this year, and it's pretty much the same thing. Instead of ads for aero dimples that save 0-3 watts, there are ads for creams that quantitatively increase "radiance" by 13%. Big difference: Velonews: dimples good, Teen Vogue: dimples bad.

I also became disillusioned with Lennard Zinn when I read this:

Questions to ponder, in which Lenny gives exact directions on how to kill 50% of the population with either acetone, ethanol, toluene or rubbing alcohol. No mention of those in combination with his saliva.

Bill said...

i'm really digging the run/rock/rub verbiage. How long until we can simply unite and runrockrub? And which syllable should get emPHAsis?

Lucky said...

Maybe the huffy is being used for some urban style Adventure race/triathlon. They could be combining or bike/weave/plead.

Maybe, this is freestyle cat's cradle will riding gone amok.

Psyclepathic said...

AAAAAArgh! *with*

andy said...

....you could ride down Hedding street past the county jail on your stolen huffy with a lasso twirling above your head yelling "YEE-HAWWW!!!" loud enough to drown out the squealing drive train.



ahahahahaha. now that's funny!

I.P. said...

yes! the big ripper is sweet, does bar spins and everything!

Anonymous said...

"In many ways, fixed-gear freestyling has been retracing the same steps BMX took 20 years ago"

what, explioting young children?

nolucker said...

Da Bikesnob don' like Huffy.....

Anonymous said...

Dear Snob:

I read your blogs almost every day. Some of them I find immensely funny. Like the report on your trip to Mellow Johnny's and your description of racing geese in Central Park. But lately I feel that you have been getting into a rut. For this reason, I am formally inviting you to move to Los Angeles. Or at least come for an extended visit. Not that I am offering anything beyond the suggestion, but I think you should consider it seriously. You could rename your blog "Misplaced Bike Snob." This move would bring you right into the neighborhood of Rock Racing, whose Escalade driving fully within the bike lane on Pacific Coast Highway nearly killed me a few weeks ago. The move would give you fresh perspective and much new material. Instead of fixies and pie plates, you could focus your talents on overweight 55-year-olds riding $10k Cervelo and Seven bikes in colorful slow-moving groups. Or bikini-clad girls on roller blades alternately occupying the entire North or South-bound lanes of the bike path with each stroke of their long tanned legs, ipod buds in their ears to deaden the yells of cyclists. We have fixies and pie plates here as well, and no shortage of high-quality grist for the bong. Give it some thought.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...wonder what the LD50 of WD40 is?

mary poppins said...

Bikes seem to be at their best when they're somewhat specialized

- this is why I have a differnt bike for every weather condition, social situation or dress i am wearing

Anonymous said...

there is a rule, which stems from amsterdam, that the value of a secondhand bicycle is equal to the price for the minimum quantity of heroin that is available on the street. all bikes parked on the street basically have that value.

encolure rouge said...

RTMS-

Mwen bezwen yon bagay pi blese sa a!

T. McKay Battles said...

going back to yesterday, i just came across a new township in the great state of georgia at work. Ball Ground, GA.

π said...

mind you sweden is not new york. the aforementioned swede has most probably fallen victim of good marketing rather than fear of probable bike theft. the fact that the bike while poorly secured is still there (after an allegedly long time) verifies the above hypothesis. either that or bike sanitary grossness will mark the end of the profitable business which is bike-lock making.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Encolure Rouge,

Pa counye--demen.

--RTMS

Prolly said...

That SE has a 71* HTA and a short ST.

You need proper leg extension with a fixed gear bike. You're not gonna get that with the SE.

The MKE has a 74.5 HTA, which is steeper than most market "track bikes". It's also going to be a comfortable ride and still will perform like many street fixed gears / track bikes.

You usually blast people for riding brakeless bikes and now you blast a bike for addressing the issue of brakes? Make up your mind! Barspins with a front brake is a step in the right direction. A company like Milwaukee doesn't need the liability.

Anyway, say what you will about tricks on fixed gears, but I would safely bet that this bike will perform like a leatherman, not like a toys r us pocket knife!

I have other information on my post, so read it and the comments on my site to clear up any misconceptions.

And Snob, you're too old and close-minded sometimes. Lighten up buddy.

KanyonKris said...

BSNYC,

Isn't a disc wheel the largest possible pie plate?

Critical Ass said...

Nobody fucks with my bike when its draped with my semen-stained Hannah Montana beach towel.

jarvinho said...

I'm the only person in Sweden who locks their bike properly.

Shram said...

--nice job on the Slayer lyrics. MARCH TO THE KINGDOM OF THE DEAD... (the dead fixie trend, that is).

--"FGFF: BMX for big kids". Not that there's anything wrong with that. Actually, didn't there used to actually be fixed-gear bmx bikes, or am I totally imagining that?

--Snob, isn't this blog your spiritual pie plate, really?

wishiwasmerckx said...

By the way of nothing, I have been to Gothenberg, Sweden, and it is hardly the urban metropolis where bike theft would run rampant. The Swedes are a delightful people, and theft and thuggery are not a part of their collective character.

erik k said...

anon 2:21 PM- if snob were ever to come visit socal, the Amgen tour of California would certainly be a good excuse

Charles Colin said...

I wonder, what is the etymology of the word "break" used to mean "brake"? Was it originally self-consciously ironic? Alternatively, perhaps some wordsmithing fixter intended a commentary on the perceived frivolous nature of brakes? Perhaps the term was meant to convey (falsely) that brakes are more dangerous than skid stops? I really want to know, as the use of break to mean brake has become a pervasive meme in the hipster/fixie subculture.

Jim said...

Did you say your name was π?

I know it's completely irrational, but man, I just *love* me some π.

leroy said...

BSNYC --

Thank you for the Bridge and Tunnel update.

(A Rohloff hub in the City? What color? If there's one thing Teen Vogue teaches us, it's all about accessorizing.)

In the mean time, I've got some Fresh Direct boxes, spray paint and duct tape.

I'll be spending this afternoon constructing a wind resistant shell for my bike. That way, I can avoid the ice this evening by impersonating a Smart Car and taking the Battery Tunnel.

Prolly --

In this weather, I don't think any one really cares if you kids are on one's lawn.

Try again in the Spring, Whipper Snapper.

Wes said...

I am, it has to be said, hurt. I go to all the trouble of fitting a pie plate, modern plastic too, none of that antique tin, pepper my description with words that I hear all the cool dudes use out there on the street, spell like the short/long trousered kids, and bizarrely you don't think I'm either hip or with it. A plant? I thought it would stick out like a tree.

The frontal pie plate was nothing to do with me though - even I couldn'tmake that up.

JPB said...

Charles Colin - "break" instead of "brake" is probably just another case of a word spelled or used incorrectly and with enough frequency to become embedded in pop culture. Kind of like people using the word "weary" when thay mean "leary" or "wary".

Just my two cents.

JPB said...

uuhh..."thay"? Apparently I can spell but not type?!

BikeSnobNYC said...

Prolly,

I thought I was being fair, not closed-minded. If I came off closed-minded please chalk it up to my superficial cantankerousness.

The real closed-minded comments about the bike are on Trackosaurusrex. Wow, those people get can get really uneasy when their narrow aesthetic sensibilities are challenged.

Congratulations on the new bike,

--BSNYC

John said...

C.Ass - that's just messed up. Poignant and pertinent, yes, but also messed up.

Anonymous said...

Is anyone else disturbed/tickled by the fact that Ou gen SIDA ("You have AIDS") is listed among Common Creole Words and Phrases on this Haitian tourism site?

http://www.travelinghaiti.com/haitian_kreyol.asp

bikesgonewild said...

...wow...for the price of the clothes that chick is "run/rock/rubbin'" she could buy a whole new "whip"...

...oh, oh...being such an old guy, i think i just got a medical condition from using too many trendy "hipster-izms"...

...dammit...you kids get offa my lawn, mumble mumble mummmble...

Disgruntl Ed. said...

Charles Colin, I am with JPB that it is probably just that the perpetrators can't spell. An interesting question though. Perhaps a double-blind study is needed to determine whether irony or simple ignorance is the cause.

Then again, yech. I would rather study the patterns of bubbles through a beer. As ever.

innerlighter said...

Anon 2:22
That's the funniest damn 1 liner here for a while.
I like how your brain works.

Digitalwave said...

I don't know if it's been mentioned yet, but the used & abused condom-donning white Pista Concept is running/rocking Truvativ Omnium cranks, not the aforementioned SRAMs.

southpole said...

i think i know that girl on the artistic bicycle ... i think she got a PhD in particle physics a few years ago at my lab and now works in China?

Anonymous said...

selling lock in scandanavia?

http://www.abus.de/us/main.asp?ScreenLang=us&sid=8179873322095629012009851672225&select=0104b06&artikel=4003318128189

Polygraf said...

Do you remember you felt when you first saw the potts system and then the brake lever with the button that kept the lever locked so the break was engaged but your hands were free?

Seems like 1984 is back, four times the price and its got a bunch of fashion backward self absorbed 30yr olds who spend more time pushing products on blogs than riding.

erv said...

Bikes seem to be at their best when they're somewhat specialized

I agree entirely; that's also why I have multi9le bikes, and it just so happens that many of them are Specialized

erv said...

at least what the DT/TT/ST/CS/SS/FOrk and HT say

Anonymous said...

Enough of this stupid ass firstie/podium bullshit.

Either maker a snarky comment laced with irony and sarcasm, or, go back to watching Family Guy

Anonymous said...

... relegated to the bike rack of history, along with the hybrid and the mixte?

When did that happen ? Now what to do ?

Lenny Zinn said...

Anon 2:22: in excess of 5g/Kg, or, about as bad as everything else.
But it tastes funny, leaves my tongue all dry.

ant1 said...

anon 4:32 - we're sorry. we didn't realize you didn't like the podium race we have here every day. we wish you would have said something earlier, as we've been doing this for months now. we can only imagine all the pain and distress it must have caused you over that period of time. god, now we feel like assholes. tell you what, we're all going to change our behavior from now on so that you are no longer annoyed. if there is anything else we can do to make your stay with us any more enjoyable, please do not hesitate to let us know. after all, this blog is all about you, which is something we must have lost sight of as we got carried away with our silly little games. once again, we all apologize. it was wrong of us to assume the comment section of this blog was a place for us to congregate and enjoy ourselves.

ant1 said...

shit, i didn't even realize:

ant101st!

Fatty McBastard said...

The girl in the last pic should really be rocking/running a set of AYHSMB wheels.

kale said...

anon 4:31 and ant101st!-

I agree. I'm striking the podium tomorrow!

Any of you scabs cross this line, gets a chainwhip in in their mug!

Anonymous said...

Are you sure that's not the new KNOG "Newt" on that handlebar?

Anonymous said...

Dear Dr. Science-

Today's comments merit a whopping Flesch-Kincaid grade level of 5.4,
but a Flesch reading ease of 74.5.....

Way to go guys!!!!!

wishiwasmerckx said...

JPB, I don't know about you, but if I meet a leery or a wary Portugese, I'm gonna kick 'em right in the nuts.

Johnny Sprocket said...

I'm chillin' the champagne already... see you on the podium.

obie119 said...

I guess the Teen Vogue model just covered that scary shirt with chain grease, since she's holding the chain side of the bike against her clothing. Whoops!

Serviceburo said...

I actually know the grandson and heir of the founders of Huffy, goes by the name Matt Huffman. He's an even bigger POS than their bikes. However, I would love to ride that thing at a Rivendell owner's convention and bask in their seething envy over having the most upright position of all.

Anonymous said...

First!!

(get it)

red neckerson said...

im sorry i aint gots nothing to say but i been doing reesearch at the public libary today

Anonymous said...

http://raleigh.craigslist.org/bik/1012932392.html

ricky said...

aw bullshit red you just been hanging around the stacks looking for fuck books and the libary lady wont let you watch porn on the computer

Anonymous said...

potts modification? whats next? a rotor system for the rear brake?

Andy Pandy said...

Direct contact with possible filth…. That sounds like my group ride.

As for the weather well 43deg C again and beach. Mmmm Dr Zoggs Tropical sex wax or Mrs Palmers Mighty Mounds. Comes with warning not to bite or chew.

As for getting kicked in the nuts by an indigenous gender non specific person, as per yesterdays suggestion, well that is not the preferred greeting here, rather a bottle over the head and then a verbal acknowledgement …. “soz brudder thought yous were some one else”

Fierce Panties said...

Dear Sir,

I was quite pleased to be addressed in the first sentence of your blog that I have affectionately named, "the only thing on the fucking internet that explains every-fucking-thing that pisses me off on a daily basis while rubbing."

The TOTOTFITEEFTTPMOOADBWR blog.

I also must clarify that I did not in anyway "challenge" RTMS. (I only refer to you in the third person while addressing you.) I needed to know if indeed the "condom grip" is a trend in NYC because there is a trickle down effect from Williamsburg to my burg, and it ain't pretty.

So the clarification question is about self-preservation on my part. I have no psychic pie plate.

Fierce Panties said...

PPP

kale said...

Not to derail the conversation... but I love my Huffy - 1965 Silver Jet. I'd be my rub for any courthouse-related rendezvous. The chrome blinds any would-be thieves, kinda like the Predator camouflage.

Matt Huffman is a stand-up guy, he took me to my first transexual-specific "massage" parlor.

Loren said...

IRONIC FIXED GEAR PIE PLATE!!!!

frilly said...

Andy Pandy said...

'Mrs Palmers Mighty Mounds. Comes with warning not to bite or chew.'

Why AP? I have been trying so hard to behave myself & then you have to go and say something like that.

And the sex wax--oh don't even get me started on that.

AMC said...

Have you seen this?

A truly awesome cycling sweater

Andy Pandy said...

Frills, won't even suggest to tell you what some wax brands suggest to do with it. Too hot here to ride so the waves are the go despite being small the water is sublime

Pecker Wood said...

MTHR FUKR

Lucky 7 said...

Fierce Panties:
I think being mentioned in the first sentence IN THE BLOG gives you the MEGA-PODIUM!! That's sick!!

also,

What IS the not-so-pretty trickle-downed version of the condom grip in your burg?

A pair of IUDs?

Will you be runrockrubbin some day-after foam on those bars as a nod to Greptile?


btw, Wonder why prolly got his VAGX all in a knot?


A

frilly said...

Maybe AP can give him/her some tips on the usage of sex wax. It seems to me that wax would form a suitable barrier and reduce friction all at the same time.

Anonymous said...

Teen Vogue has finally accomplished the impossible...recumbent riders are now cooler than hipsters on fixies.

sprider said...

Hey Frills,
Sex Wax actually allows better grip on the board, we use it up here when we surf on Lake Michigan. Not certain how it would work in other situations.

Are you rockin/runnin/ridin that Dolce yet?

frilly said...

Hey Sprider! I've only been able to ride it three times--no trainer or rollers. Not looking too good for this weekend, we got 8 inches of snow.

You surf on Lake Michigan? Would not have thought possible, but I guess it is. Cool.

I figured thats what sex wax was for since our boy down under mentioned it. Just having a little fun.

not funny said...

Sex wax is what audiophiles use.

bricoleur said...

is that tonya harding on the artistic bicycle?

slppy said...

Aah gosh, just stompn around on my pals short bike and seems like i'm not as smooth with my hippity hoppity as maybe i should be after 5 months of long bike stomping on ze John Wayne Pain Train, (which i happen to have completly snapped in half) Here's the thing, lil tyres are cool and all, but not as cool as big tyres, and if you're goin' big wheelin' might as well get some big tyres on there, in which case the added weight and rotational mass of the 29'r needs to be livened up by a steeper hta, which in turn creates toe overlap, which subsequently calls for an elongated front end, longer top and down tubes, and a high bb, tight chainstays and voila, a big wheel bmxr, as for fixx, uuh ok, that works pretty fine i guess, i just have a swerious block from the one (1!) fucking time i rocked the shit out of my niner in a cross race fixxed with no brakes and i pretty much couldn't walk, stomp, or anything for close to a year, so yeah i'm way over that, but you know, bmx, big wheels, fixx, somewhere everyone can be happy...

Philip Williamson said...

You surf on Lake Michigan?

Somehow that's really cool and a big shark-jump for surfing at the same time.

innerlighter said...

Anon 4:32
Ha ha, that's really funny. I hope you are paying enough attention to understand why.


Or rather...


meh.

Fierce Panties said...

Lucky 7,

The Mega Podium is really a dream come true for me. I feel like I must have paid my dues and suffered enough in cycling to have finally been awarded something so meaningful. I'll be able to face the parade of idiocy tomorrow.

And as I did appreciate your humor regarding trickle down trendcycles, before I could get a good belly laugh going I found these IUD bar end shifters complete with cables.

IUD bar end shifters


I will be happy and smiling to be rubbin' a pair of shifters that reduce pregnancy by 99% but are also 10 speed compatible.

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

Sippy,



Rocking out the Niner good.

Rockin the Shit out of the Niner bad.

Whenever I get the rocking the shit out of the Madone blues I get myself over to Mellow Johnny's for a long cold shower and then I'm all better.

Anonymous said...

Hey slppy, here are some things you can use:

,..,..,.,!.,,...,?,..,
These first ones - these are punctuation. You are using them currently, but you're doing it wrong.







That was some empty space. Please feel free to sprinkle some liberally between thoughts.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ.

Those are Capital letters. You can use some of these, but be cautious; many first-timers like yourself get all excited with the newfound power, and OVERUSE it.

I know you're new at this, so don't worry - it will take a while before you are comfortable using these language tools. Try starting a though with a Capital, end it with some form of punctuation, and then add a little space before starting another thought.

Before you know it, you'll be able to successfully express yourself with arrogance and condescension. It'll help you fit right in.

Good luck.

Lucky 7 said...

Mega Podiumite Fierce Panties:

Loving the IUD shifters. Thanks for that inspiring link; that's why you're the new Number 1.

You're in the company of the elite now. Numerous past MPs have gone to CommieCanuck, Erik K., Jim (with OC honors as well), and (of course) Anonymous, among others. There's a glass ceiling for the rest of us, but we keep trying.

Because of the insane marketing pull you now possess, I too will be rubbing a pair of IUD shifters along with my new condom grips and day-after foam chain lube. I was also thinking of adding some baseball cards in the spokes or an extra-large Tipper Gore spoke card to round out the Ironic Safe Sex Bike (ISSB).

Surf the Idiotide!


A

ant1 said...

speaking of idiotides, there's an idiotarod in NYC on saturday.

Mega Podiumite Fierce Panties said...

I am assuming that the baseball cards in the spokes would be used for ICTAB.

Although intra-coital-thinking-about-baseball (ICTAB) is an excellent way to prolong sexual pleasure, it could lead to severe rebound depression especially if you are a fan of the San Francisco Giants or the Yokohama Baystars.

Also, ICTAB is NOT birth control and also NOT a method of safe-sex. This is an important take home point that could prove to deepen the irony on the ISSB.

wade said...

i ride my bike to Ikea and buy lumpfish caviar and then ride home to eat it and pretend it's sevruga or beluga and it gets better and better as I eat more and more and I cleanse my palate with creamed roe squeezed from a tube.

David said...

With Prolly's MKE bike, I believe that the trend will turn into BMX bikes that actually fit. I rode a BMX bike when I was a pre-teen, and the bike fit was fine. 15 years later the BMX bike has stayed the same size but I have grown 2 feet taller.

I think we would eventually see a 700c freewheel bike with a front brake (or no brake) with pegs. It'll just take because the same tricks on a 700c frame are more difficult compared to the kid sized BMX frames of today.

kale said...

Panties, Fierce-

I hope you ate your fettuccine Alfredo last night. You'll need all the carbs if your megapodia (not gonopodia) dreams are to be fulfilled. Don't get disheartened and retire early. Top ten is still pretty good.

I'm betting for ant1st to win. Anonymous to show.

Panties, Fierce said...

Kale,

Where I'm from big, strong, hairless, glistening beefcakes who work out together, polish shiny red trucks, take topless photos of one another, and have associate degrees in physical education are called Americas Heros. I've ordered ten calenders. USA!

And after extensive internet research I was schooled (dramatic pause inserted here to enjoy reference) on gonopodia. I'm still not sure what it is, but I can use it correctly in a sentence.

From a VeloNews archive, "Hormone treated female Roadies may have gonopodia. These are useless for breeding and should be avoided."

Anonymous said...

is there a reason why there's no pics of the track women?

http://www.procyclingwomen.com/

Anonymous said...

Anon 10:56
"Hormone treated female Roadies may have gonopodia. These are useless for breeding and should be avoided."

Anon11:01 said...

oops,

"Track women" are not Roadies.

Anonymous said...

Methinks you are correct, sir.

The progression from Female Roadie to Trackette is facilitated by hormone treatment.

frilly said...

PW, thanks for the pictures. Thats awesome!

Bear Shirt said...

Catch is the new rock/run/rub.

As in, "I catch solid oak moustache bars on my bone shaker, it's the cat's pajamas with all the cracker-jacks."

Lucky 7 said...

Fierce P:

Yes, ICTAB is the goal of the baseball spoke cards. Tipper was actually the impetus for impedance, another well-known but less talked about means of birth control.

Deepen the irony? That's what she said...


A

Anonymous said...

portland or, steel bridge 1/30 8:45 am

how nice that the coffee kids are sharing their clique with the general public, and blocking the bike path also

sprider said...

PW, that's our guys, best (only?) break in the Midwest!

John Thompson said...

Dude, what is it with you? Cool Whip is often seen in conjunction with pie plates: http://www.cheapwaysto.com/images/IMG_1840.jpg

And hailing as I do from America's Dairyland, I object to that limey calling his "cool whip" "the cheese." It should be "the jellied eels" or "the
tepid beer," right?

Wes said...

Hi John

I have to tell you that we do have cheese here in England, maybe not as many varieties as France but probably more than are found in Dairyland. And I do mean varieties, not brands or differently presented lumps of the same stuff - plastic mellow yellow wrapped in a thick plastic sleeve? American cheese. Thinly sliced mellow yellow, wrapped individually, then again as a pack of ten slices? American cheese. Liquidised mellow yellow in a tin tube? American cheese. Mellow yellow trained into stringy strands ... well, you get the idea. Now, where's my eel net?

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