Thursday, January 22, 2009

Forking it Over: Giving Away Your Bike


(via BKJimmy)

As I made my way through Manhattan last night astride the salt-splattered Ironic Orange Julius Bike, I passed the Angelika movie theater, where I saw something disturbing.


No, it was not "Slumdog Millionaire." ("What I feel for this movie isn't just admiration, it's mad love," gushes Rolling Stone. "It was a movie that I saw," says I.) It was, in fact, a very poorly-locked bicycle:


The first thing that drew my eye was that it was locked to a movable barricade. That in itself wasn't so bad, since only the most dedicated thief would make off with something that unwieldy. (Though it is always possible that whoever put the barricade there will decide to remove it, in which case I doubt they'd stick around waiting for the owner of the bike that's attached to it.) As I looked closer, though, I noticed that the bicycle was also secured by a single u-lock placed through the spokes and around the fork.

Now, as I proved yesterday with my ill-considered diagram, I'm not always the most spatially-intelligent person. Yet even I was able to see how easily this bike could be stolen. Sure, the thief wouldn't have a front wheel, but based on how many stolen wheel posts you'll find on Craigslist I'm sure all he'd have to do would be to nip around the corner and grab one from some other bike. In the time it took me to remove my boxing gloves (I always ride in boxing gloves for warmth), rummage around in my dragon bag, remove my camera, and then de-focus it for the shot, I could have easily stolen the bike myself. Actually, I contemplated taking it, but then I would have had to spread the fork and bolt it to my rear axle in order to tow it home. And, while I could have lined my pockets by picking up a few fares along the way on my makeshift tandem, it seemed like a little too much trouble.

Plus, the bike looked pretty crappy.

Still, it was no less infuriating. All too often we cyclists are our own worst enemies. Recently I saw a cyclist berate a pair of police officers because they would not stand guard in front of a patch of ice on the bike path so that cyclists wouldn't crash. As much as I like a clear roadway, the police aren't supposed to guard ice. They're supposed to fight crime, not nature. Yet here he was, treating them like they were the help. This might explain why people get tackled during Critical Mass. Similarly, I want to feel bad for theft victims (note to poster--it's gone), but it becomes increasingly difficult when you think of how many of them may have simply given their bicycles away. Fortunately, there are some people who do lock their bikes well. Here's a tidy locking job I saw not too long ago:



The front wheel and the frame are locked to the pole, and the rear wheel is locked to the frame. Done, and done. The saddlebag is ripe for the picking, though I'll give the owner the benefit of the doubt, since it's possible he owns an apiary and the bag is filled with bees. (In that case, the joke will be on the thief.) Really, the only problem (besides the pie plate) is the helmet, which hangs temptingly beneath the bottom bracket like a sap bucket awaiting a dog's urine. And if you think dog owners won't allow their pets to urinate on your helmet, you're mistaken. I see people let their dogs go on bikes all the time. Usually, they're so engrossed in their iPhones (the people, not the dogs) that they don't even notice. So if you think the presence of a helmet is going to make a difference, think again. (If your brain isn't too urine-soaked by now.)

Yes, it's unfortunate that we must secure our bikes with pounds and pounds of locks. Frankly, it makes me mad--mad enough to knock over a Vespa. (Vespa-tipping is, of course, the gentrified urban version of cow-tipping.) And it took all my restraint not to take out my anger on this particular specimen, which looks like it's just returned from the Veil of Kashmir:

And theft isn't the only thing we cyclists must deal with, either. We've now got to worry about tainted Clif Bars. Acerbic commenter and Richard Sachs detractor Commiecanuk recently brought this to my attention, and the news was more jarring than a ride on a Nashbar 29er. After reading this I delved into my dragon bag, where to my horror I found a Chocolate Chip Peanut Crunch Clif Bar with an expiration date right smack in the middle of the range of dates covered by the recall. Even worse, I immediately recalled the Clif Bar's erstwhile companion, which had been the same flavor and came from the same box at the store, and which I had consumed a few days earlier.

Though I had felt fine just moments before, I knew immediately that I was suffering from Salmonellosis in it's most extreme form--that being Psychosomatic Salmonellosis. The most dangerous thing about Psychosomatic Salmonellosis is that you don't even notice the symptoms until you look them up on Wikipedia, at which point they suddenly become overwhelming. I'm pleased to say I've since recovered--mostly because, after reading the latest Lennard Zinn column, I'm now obessing over all those watts I'm sacrificing to seal drag--but I will say it was a rough four minutes and it's something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Something I would wish on my worst enemy is a date with the person who placed this ad in the Portland Mercury, which was forwarded to me by a reader:


I must say that bicycles are almost as useful as the basis for double entendres as they are for riding. If you read Lennard Zinn's column with the right mindset it can actually seem downright salacious. The loose bearing wheels kept spinning for some time after the sealed bearing wheels stopped...you are feeling the seal drag...a load on the bearings...gunk could get in those bearings...it's enough to make you want to grease your taper.

Speaking of salacious things, it turns out I accidentally left some entries off the Flickr page for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (Presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend). There were these:







As well as these:







If nothing else, the latter set should serve as a highly effective ad campaign to get people to put brakes on their fixed-gears. Also, she seems to be using Lennard Zinn's saliva technique for installing handlebar grips. Now that'll put a load on your bearings.

116 comments:

Anonymous said...

bkf!

Anonymous said...

hincape

Anonymous said...

Yeah! My fiorst podium

libertyonbikes! said...

i really am going for the reverse podium - tomorrow. get the last comment in - now back to reading!

Anonymous said...

Podiesque!

innerlighter said...

upgrade points!

White Obama said...

Geez, . . ..

Anonymous said...

huzzah!

Matt! said...

Still recovering from cross.

k.sawyer said...

bam

Luck E. said...

Forking corksuggers!


A

a said...

reflection in Vespafender = bikesnobNYC's version of naked guy in sliding glass door

fantz crazznapper said...

awww, fuk your mamma.

Mark said...

WOW

Serviceburo said...

Is that last girl holding some sort of hybrid tire inflation/erectile dysfunction treatment device while she holds that yellow saddle? If so, where can I get one? I'm running out of jersey pockets here.

Jim said...

If you are having a problem with seals dragging, I suggest you switch over to a smaller mammal, like Wallabies. They don't hang down quite so far, which will fix the dragging problem. That, or you could check out Jobst Brandt's book on Advanced Old School Cycling Techniques, where he shows how to club them to death using a rusty old Park PW-3 Pedal Wrench, and how to stuff them into your Carradice bag.

a said...

teapot guy?

...so many inadvertant naked internet guys, so little time...

but yeah, at any rate: "Commence Photoshopping!"

Pedal Strike Force Agent Down said...

Ah, you see.

Retrogrouches know how to lock a bicycle.

Anonymous said...

Woot! Woot!

Anonymous said...

Lower Podunk?

Anonymous said...

je suis vingt?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the Cliffbar PSA! I just spent the better part of 30 seconds checking out my stash (in a heated panic) for the potential tainted nuts.

Mark said...

Nice bearings!

stuggy said...

Anon 12:51 -

Heh, you said "tainted nuts." Heh.

Are "tainted nuts" what you get after "Tainted Love?" Inquiring minds want to ask Marc Almond...

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Anonymous said...

Someone please enlighten me what is the silver canister the young lady is holding with her right hand? Is it a thermos?

Anonymous said...

Anon 1:01
who cares what that is do you not see the way shes gripping that saddle?

Luck E. said...

He he ... Tainted nuts.

The Dragon Bag? Apparently it holds some kinda key to unlocking the evolution and extinction dichotomy. Also, it appears to draw fire from anti-gay, anti-goth, anti-roleplayer, anti-everythingists. Use extreme caution when rocking/running this groundbreaking fashion item. Plus, everyone knows that your weed is in the tail. Just sayin'.


A

libertyonbikes! said...

i've never seen a tipped vespa!
is it because they right themselves? do you have any photos for proof?

Anonymous said...

fuckin awesome post rtms

wishiwasmerckx said...

Anon 1:03: oh, yeah. I was too busy staring down her shirt to notice.

Wade said...

I was going to see Slumdog Millionaire at the Angelika, but thought it would be better to get a bootleg DVD and watch it in my closet.

Anonymous said...

Pseudo rectal probe thermos - DING!!!

Lucky said...

So, Cliff bars are not just woody in texture and of super-saliva-wicking capabilities. Those compressed blocks of garden mulch are deadly now. Thanks for the PSA, RTMS.

Udder said...

I'm using my tainted Clif Crunchy Peanut Butter mini bars as a form of vaccination and eating them to build up my resistance for the coming Peanut Plague.

Anonymous said...

Wade-

At least you could see the screen in your closet.

bloodline said...

making it hard

red neckerson said...

i never blown a seal but once i raped a sea otter

kale said...

I knew that Clif would slip up. I'm just glad that I make my own energy bars at home. DIY, as I always say. Here's my recipe:

-2 cup brown sugar
-1/3 cup oatmeal, stone ground
-1 cup Kambucha (Gingeraid flavor)
-12 No-Doz tablets, crushed
-7 raw eggs
-6 Tsp Mayonnaise
-1/2 lb ground pork
-1/2 lb ground turkey
-1/2 cup Junior Mints, coarsely chopped

Mix in a chilled bowl, hand form into palm-sized lumps, and leave out overnight under the sink to congeal.

Serve warm.

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

Are we still Rubbin' today or should I go back to rock/runnin'?

I was about to rub my way to Mellow Johnny's and felt the need to be current before I go offline (sor, no iPhone.)

tbens3 said...

Nothing says lovin' like 12 crushed No-Doz tablets. Quick somebody poke my belly.

Gaudy-Olde and Testy said...

Jim 12:42,

Also from Jobst Brandt's book on Advanced Old School Cycling Techniques:

Chapter 7. Will your fresh wheel build Stand?

1. Find the first 2 stroke scooter locked to a bike rack.

2. Push front tire of bicycle, at a 90 degree angle, into the spokes of the front wheel of the scooter 12 times increasing the impact with each stroke. On the last two strokes give a healthy Lord of the Flies howl.

3. Repeat for rear wheel.

4. If both wheels (of bicycle) remain true then the wheel stands. You may rub the wheel.

5. If the wheels do not remain true then you may hear rubbing. Retrue and repeat.

Commiecanuk said...

Acerbic? I take offense, my mother was not from Acerbia, only my father, thus, I cannot be considered a true Acerbic.

But now it's time for another Toronto bike theft story,c1996...
On the University campus (which is huge, 60,000 students) several people had carefully locked their multispeed pseudo-mountain bikes with the latest in Kryptonite technology only to find them all stolen. Victims of the bic pen?. No.
Malcontents had angle-grinded the retaining bolts and took the entire bike rack and ~50 bikes into a transport truck, in mid-day, among hundreds of non-plussed onlookers. Thugs stealing an entire bike rack. Meh.

The moral of today's story: no matter how well you lock up, it's just a matter of chance of whether you will get ripped off, or , for Christians, God occasionally hates you for cheap laughs.

Commiecanuk said...

Kale..don't forget to leave out the last four ingredients in the sun for a few hours. That's how mama did it in the old country.
Smart move on the Junior mints, those are in phase III clinical trials at the FDA.

Achievement Monitor said...

This Lance thing is about what? Competitive fire that can't be extinguished? Reaching another level of proficiency? Proving that he's still got it? He's already been Mr. Bike, if he really had those competitive juices flowing he'd being trying to win the world darts championship, or be the best at bowling or tennis or bass fishing. He's already done bikes.

Luck E. said...

If I had to guess, Lance is still rolling pro because he couldn't raise nearly as much cancer money by opening a bike shop, jogging shirtless with his man-crush, dumping celebs, or riding tall bikes.

Maybe?


A

BikeSnobAustin III said...

What's Up BikeSnobAustin IV!

Achievement Monitor wants to know about what is this whole Lance thing?

RM said...

I believe the metal cylinder on the rear of the bike, in which the nice racked lady is caressing, is in fact a hydraulic rear seat post mounted brake(HRSPMB).

It can be activated in two equally effective and impressive methods.

The first is known as the 'reach-around', in which the rider reaches back with one(or both hands if well practiced) and pulls forwards on the large dildo shaped cylinder.

The second is to simply slide backwards off your seat and thrust your crotch area into the rear of the cylinder.

I believe more expensive models come equipped with a removable cap on the end for better crotch control.

RM

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

Lance Thing

RM said...

Actually it appears to be a hydraulic rear brake actually mounted where the rear brake should be.

Forgive me for trying to make up names, I believe it works the same.

RM

innerlighter said...

There's more than one use for Simichrome!

innerlighter said...

...

innerlighter said...

meh

Commiecanuk said...

That CCCC is creepy.

Creepy Corn Cob Cancer Candle. CCCCC.

Anonymous said...

As long as Lance doesn't get any cycle-related tattoos and take up freeriding, he's cool in my book.

kale said...

I believe the HRSPMB is actually a ISMSWB - "Inter-Seatstay Mounted Sigg Water Bottle"

That way you get you won't vitamins from all the road dust kicked up into the bottle. A must have for the unfortunate undrilled waterbottle mount track bikes.

leroy said...

Seal drag?

Yeesh, I didn't know seals had gender specific clothing.

Or is this a reference to a niche-obsession whose sufferers marry super models in order to wear their spouse's clothing and earn the sort of jealousy that gets them featured on a lounging smock?

kale said...

I missed a "lose" somewhere in that...

stack-up said...

you should never grease your taper. It could become difficult to extract (insert "that's what she said").

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

Anon 3:05

I'd love to read your book! Is it a cycling title in the Lance Armstong Presidential Library and Museum? I'm rubbing my way there now! It's okay, I can iPhone and Rub cause I have the HSRPMB, forgive me.

sinn fein said...

Any body see this:

http://sswc09.wordpress.com/2009/01/12/the-best-mail/cimg4782/

(lower right figure)


Or this:

http://sswc09.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/09startlist4.pdf (very last entry)

?

Can it be - BSNYC at SSWC09 in Durango in Sep? This must be an imposter.

Morgan said...

I believe the HRSPMB is actually a ISMSWB - "Inter-Seatstay Mounted Sigg Water Bottle"

Nope, it's a Kleen Kanteen. You can tell because there are threads at the top visible from the outside. Siggs are aluminum & have threaded brass inserts to hold the top which are not visible from the outside.

Also, Siggs are lined with plastic which had to be reformulated after everyone freaked out that it might be leaching the same damned BpA that polycarbonate could.

Doug said...

http://tbn0.google.com/images?q=tbn:rP1AVwEyTkOi2M:http://i32.photobucket.com/albums/d21/mtbchaz/BabySeals.gif

bikesgonewild said...

...re:-- "red neckerson said...

i never blown a seal but once i raped a sea otter"
...

...we know ya did, red & that's why us concerned california, touchy feel-y, tree huggin', animal lovin', always 'got a cause' types now honor that poor whiskered beast by holding "the sea otter classic" every year...w/ re-enactments...

Anonymous said...

I would expect that a dragon bag would have an integrated hydration bladder and an ipod compartment but they appear to be missing.

Commiecanuk said...

Anon 3:05...

Look at this picture for six seconds, and tell me Lance is still cool.

Warning: do not exceed eight seconds.

leroy said...

One of the treats about seeing a film at the Angelika (they usually show films, not movies)is their unique subway soundtrack enhancement system.

It's like having your own personal background score adding an ominous off screen rumble akin to an approaching thunder storm or John Williams timpani roll.

I know it heightened my enjoyment of the Scoobie Doo oeuvre.

Insert said...

That's what she said!

Anon 3:05 said...

If McCaunahey is holding what I think he is, and they're running to a keg... then yes!

Otherwise, you're a hater.

Anonymous said...

doesn't seem to me to be such a good lock up when you can just lift the bike off the pole...

Anonymous said...

Jim - Mammal is to wallaby as recumbent tandem is to steel-frame 10 speed (note that wallabies also have two vaginas).

Commiecanuk said...

Scientific fact: no one can be seen with Matthew McManImsogay and remain cool. Even with EPO and super-domestiques.

Commiecanuk said...

Even better evidence of uncoolness.

On anyone's Coolometer, this registers between 10-15 microfonzies (MFz).

RM said...

I have to agree with Commie, both of those pictures made me throw-up a little.

I am actually really upset that I even clicked on the second even though I knew what it was in reference to.

I'm out.

RM

RM said...

In case you encounter a scene such as those posted by Commie above...

There is a sale on tasers, you know for protection.

http://outdoordaily.com/

RM

Anonymous said...

I don't get the fixation and critique of other peoples' rides. Is the blog owner some kind of cranky fashion weenie?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:20pm,

Yes.

--RTMS

bikesgonewild said...

...was out food shopping two nights ago & grabbed a handful of cliff stuff...just checked the expiration dates on my various cliff mojo bars & mine are all well past the dates listed for concern...

...so i just tried my first dipped peanut butter & jelly bar...good texture, crunchy, sweet n' tasty, mmm' good...

...ah, wait...hmmm...my stomachs not right & in fact it's a little queasy...i don't feel so good...oh, god...i feel really bad...i'm gonna be sick...dammit &%#(*@&$+#!...

...whoops...seems it's nothing but the power of persuasion...a little case of psychosomatic salmonellosis...i'm good now...
**************************************************

...btw...the dragon bag is pretty outrageous leather work...definite props to the artist...

Luck E. said...

Anon 4:20:

My compliments on your posting time.

However, if you have to ask, then you'll never know.


A

ant1 said...

Anon 4:20 - Everyone knows BSNYC/RTMS is Michael Ball, so yes, he is a "cranky fashion weenie".

Anonymous said...

You'd think 4:20 would be more laid back. And maybe hungry.

Mark said...

Will anyone start an official fund to pay Bikesnob to see this movie?
http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/medicineformelancholy/

Bluenoser said...

Helmet at dog groin level...

Please, I can't take it snobbie. Stop holding out your hand with the jewels.

-B

Caaah said...

I tried to be a helpful person and right a tipped vespa once. Those things are insanely heavy. No wonder they go about as fast as a nashbunsbar single speed mountain bike.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Mark,

Wow, I will see that for free! I love evolving conundrums!

--RTMS

Bluenoser said...

Jim,

True East Coast Canadians use old JC Higgins forks to club their seals. Just a bit heavier than the CCM forks.

Stiffer but more compilant to the head.

-B

BikeSnobAustin IV said...

Commiecanuk 3:05

I tried to look at Him for only 6 seconds, but I lost track of time.

It must have been an hour or more that Slipped away with Him Beneath my eyes. God Bless You.

Gnarles Darwin said...

microfonzies (MFz)!!!

Thats some funny sh*t!

Gnarles Darwin said...

The Cities way of de-icing the Manhattan Bridge is to put cones in front of the bike path and wait till spring to thaw it out.

Lucky 7 said...

My money is on pedal-mounted brake levers (PMBLs) for the win.


A

urchin said...

I believe LA's point in coming out of retirement is to ruin another year's worth of cycle racing TV coverage.

Yes, there's more of it, but it's unbearable...


NJLSABS

Anonymous said...

It's over for knuckle tats. I consider a Times profile/ pic to be an official shark jump for all things hipster related.

http://tinyurl.com/b7f4d6

that jerky guy said...

Tattoers:

hahaha! you have jumped the shark and now must sit at the table and eat your naked lunch.
so what will it be then... laser treatment? acids? cheese grater?
in 7th grade in a terrible attempt to please the girls i went to the Chess King and bought parachute pants, sergio valentes, jordaches, the chams de baron, and such... for a few weeks i was the laughing stock of the junior high. so i tossed them into the trash, and was free?
what will set u free?
ahhahaha...

yogisurf said...

I just reviewed all the entries on Flickr for The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (Presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend). Great stuff. Come on, Snobby, who's the winner?

Anonymous said...

Ooooooooooooooh, hurry hurry hurry or you might miss out! In the proud tradition of photo/videographing your mad fixie skillzzz, there was a fashion shoot outside of Affinity cycles tonight!

Again, much cooler than riding your bike is posing with your bike and letting the world know about it. There's nothing more counter-culture than marketing yourself. Check those hot black label vids on youtube!

Anonymous said...

I'm lovin' it!!!! hipsters are gross pathetic losers! and a hipster with tattoos is the epitome of gross pathetic loser for all eternity!

Atlatl said...

I hate bike thieves, but sometimes I feel bikes almost deserve to be stolen. Like the one you showed. I actually saw one that was almost as bad today--it was locked with a u-lock that went parallel to the headtube, just behind the fork, locking up the wheel, but not the frame at all. All you would have had to do is take off the stem and handlebars and front wheel, and you'd have easily scored a bike sans a front wheel (as it was the only part really secure). And it was a decent looking modern road bike too. I've also seen a nice road bike left unlocked in an alley behind a thrift store. And on two occasions in the last month I've seen bikes locked up by their brake and shifter cables only (though they were both crap and not worth stealing anyway). When will people learn?

MicroFonzie! said...

AntLast!

I.P. said...

If pie plates were made to be ironic, they would be cool again. Of course this is providing that they were cool in the first place, which they weren't, so i just perplexed myself. nice.

B Madoff said...

hey RTMS!

whats up with the OC? i went to his youtube profile and he has this newish website called:

opinionatedcyclist.biz

it looks like a MLM scheme or something...

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Beat Down said...

There is nothing hipster about Kala Alexander. He's the real deal.

I think we'll just take the cheese grater, acid, and a baseball bat to you instead, jerky guy. You're the only scratcher that's unwanted around here.

Anonymous 8:56 said...

Just to be clear, the reference to the knuckle tat shark jump was in reference to the NYT story, and the shine coming off knuckle tats; not the person in the photograph. I'm not a surfer but I've been witness to the devastation incurred when "locals only" trails become public knowledge, so I respect that line of behavior. It is all about respect after all.

Commiecanuk said...

I made an error, the IUPAC standard for coolness is the Fonzie, but microFonzies should be abbreviated µFz.

MFz is a MegaFonzie, or the coolness of a thousand Fonzies.

Of course, all this is stolen from TV.

MISA said...

Mr. BEAT DOWN

It is very interesting and man. Whiffle ball bat is theretofore very nice.

MISA LOVE

Cranky Fashion Weenie said...

Hit me up MISA!

You'll AlwaysBMISA2Me said...

Wow, unfettered bikesterism and and hookup links. What a great site!

Anonymous said...

Happy double joy love MISA!!! Luckiness bonus!!!

Bikester said...

Is bikesterism a path to obtain perfect Cycling Haterism?

Anonymous said...

I've got about a quarter mile of electrical tape on my fixed ride. Criticize that...

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telekinetikus said...

hi, sir, I'm from Hungary and I cannot figure out what does Petersen-esque means?


"a Petersen-esque configuration (store on top of parking lot), or Addison-esque (2 story store next to parking lot/garage), or Broadway-esque (subterranean parking)?"