Sticky Fingers and Sticky Issues: Thefts, Failures, Recalls, and Judgments

In yesterday's post I mentioned a stolen orange bike, which prompted commenter Kale to point out, "And, what's with the alarmingly biased ratio of orange bikes getting stolen?" Yes, it does appear that thieves love orange; awhile back I pointed out that "orange is striving to be the new stolen." Kale also did a little investigating on Craigslist, which yielded this:

STOLEN: Orange Crescent Fixed Gear (Bushwick)
Reply to: sale-983771089@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-07, 1:06PM EST

I locked it to scaffolding last night while at bushwick country club. This asshole knew what he was doing. It's a 1970 Swedish "CRESCENT" pepita special frame, orange, with an old mini U-lock attached to it. This bike has about 10,000 miles on it since I first built it up in 04. Dura-ace low flange hubs laced to mint green rims, with scuffed up sugino 75 cranks. Please let me know if you see any of this around. Good luck parting it out, you piece of shit.

Generally, when I mention a bike theft in a post, I try not to get too emotional. However, in this case I simply can't contain myself. Goddamn it, nobody--I mean nobody--steals a Swedish bike in my town! American, Taiwanese, British, Italian, French, that's one thing. But once you've hit Scandinavia you've officially crossed the fjord, and I can't be responsible for any harm that I might administer to you should I find you. I probably shouldn't say this, but I have a small room in the basement of the new Ikea in Red Hook, Brooklyn where I "deal" with Swedish bike thieves. I probably also shouldn't go into much detail about what "dealing" entails, but trust me, you'll think twice about your transgressions when you're bound to a Joakim swivel chair with your feet in a bowl of Ärtsoppa and a car battery wired up to your nipples.

By the way, the victim did not provide a picture, so I've made my own rendering according to his description. Using "technology," I did a fixed-gear conversion on this Crescent from Campyonly:



Eat your heart out, Taliah Lempert.

Here's another stolen orange bike:

Stolen Track Bike_Orange Samson NJS_REWARD - $1
(Lower East Side)
Reply to: sale-982791215@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 4:21PM EST

Bike was taken on Grand at Essex in LES about a month ago. Bright orange-red Samson. Generous reward 646.265.1199

Actually, this one's been missing for awhile. By the way, going forward my new BSNYC/RTMS Energy Substance will feature pictures of missing bikes on the packaging.

This one's not orange, but it does have a "unique color pattern":

STOLEN Single Speed Road Bike - Reward! (Park Slope/Crown Heights)
Reply to: sale-982280161@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 10:47AM EST

Hey All, My bike was stolen outside of the Brooklyn Public Library yesterday (1/5/09). It is a single speed Motiv with a unique color pattern of Pink/White/Grey. It has blue handlebars too. If anyone sees it on here and wants to be a good citizen, you will be greatly rewarded! Thanks for your help.

We already know bike thieves have no scruples. (Taken in front of the library? For shame!) More than that, though, this post leads me to believe that bike thieves may also have a unique genetic make-up and may actually see color differently than regular people do. My current theory is that they can only see either orange alone or else every single color at once so long as orange is absent. They can't see any other solid colors by themselves. Perhaps I'll conduct some tests on my subterranean Ikea detainees. It will be a collabo with Kryptonite involving a giant Skinner box and a lot of Skittles.

By the way, if your Univega was stolen this guy has it:

I bought your Stolen Univaga (Williamsburg)
Reply to: sale-977191220@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-02, 9:28AM EST

Describe it to me and Ill get it back to you.


Of course, it's more likely the Univega was simply left behind. Univegas are like cheap umbrellas--if you leave one in a bar or a restaurant you might walk back a half a block for it, but once you turn the corner you just figure, "Screw it." And even if someone is seeking their missing Univega, they've doubtless been thrown by the misspelling in the posting title. "Univaga" sounds like a feminine ointment, and most people would probably be embarrassed to claim that from a stranger.

But while thieves only steal bikes that are orange or everything except orange, they'll take wheels of any type:

Stolen Wheel Reward (Chelsea)
Reply to: sale-982126225@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-06, 7:44AM EST

A front silver hpplusson rim, silver spokes to a silver formula hub was stolen by canal street a few weeks ago. I built the wheel myself, and its laced under,over,under 3 cross. It also has a message to theifs on the inside under the yellow rim tape. Did you buy this wheel from someone? I work on this bike and could really use it back. Reward if found!!
thanks guys!

I wonder what the message to the thief was. I also hope it was written in orange, otherwise they might not be able to read it. And if you're looking for a common thread when it comes to wheel theft, that thread may very well be H Plus Son rims. Here's another one that was stolen and subsequently recovered:

UPDATE - Stolen Rear White Track Wheel (Reward)
Reply to: sale-980787000@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-05, 9:23AM EST

Found! someone saw my post on here and indeed bought the bike with my wheel on it. Going to go pick it up soon. PLEASE PEOPLE - If you ever see a person trying to sell a nice bike, parts to bike, or something just doesn't ad up. Buy the bike, post it here and you too might be a hero. Thanks! My wheel was stolen last night on Driggs & n8. Everything was locked up but the rear wheel :(. There was an older Spanish dude seen last night near Bushwick Country club at around 10:30pm trying to sell a junky blue conversion with my rear wheel on it. If you bought the bike I will pay you for the bike + reward. If you have any info please email me. Thanks!

It's a Black Phil High Flag hub laced with black spokes and black nipples to a White H+Son Rim. A 18t and a 16t cog on each side. Not many people have these rims, there hard to get.

The only thing rarer than a white H Plus Son rim is a "Black Phil High Flag" hub. Black Phil is noted rapper Black Rob's older brother, and is well-known for manufacturing high-quality bicycle hubs. While his Low Flag and Mid Flag hubs are more common, he only did a limited run of the High Flag hubs and as such they are highly coveted by all enthusiasts of bicycle components manufactured by the siblings of noted hip-hop personalities. (The only components that fetch a higher price are T-Pain's brother T-Bag's hand-fabricated antiseptic leather top tube pads.) I also wonder what the wheel's owner means by "Spanish dude." Was he actually from Spain, or was he just someone who spoke Spanish? Was he even speaking Spanish? Maybe he was a weary Portuguese and he just sounded Spanish due to fatigue. By the way, you'll notice that the transaction took place at the ironically-named Bushwick Country Club, where the Swedish bike was stolen. Fishy. Swedish fishy.

Incidentally, if you're not aware, H Plus Son rims were at the center of a controversy awhile back, when one of them mysteriously failed under a fixter. This drew the attention of none other than uber-curmudgeon and serial retrogrouch Jobst Brandt, who predictably used it as an opportunity to tout not only his well-known hatred of hard anodized rims ("I haven't seen such a split since black hard anodized rims first appeared on the market in the 1970's") but also to flaunt his super-human Bunyanesque riding ability. ("Well rims get over water boiling temperatures rapidly as I have tested in alpine descents. You cannot touch such a rim without burning the skin of a finger.") However, he did have the modesty to omit his story about using his smoking-hot MA2s to heat a pot in which he cooked a nourishing broth from copies of his highly-regarded book, "The Bicycle Wheel." (Though this may only have been because the film version is still in development.)

In any case, H Plus Son is a relatively new company, and they've got a ways to go before they begin to rival Mavic, the exploding wheel experts. Ever since unveling its carbon-spoked $1,300+ R-Sys wheelset, tales of spectacular failures have abounded. One online retailer actually says that "Mavic blows the doors of the laboratory with the new R-Sys Wheelset," and that should have served as a warning at the time. I don't work in product R&D, but I would think that something that explodes in the laboratory probably isn't ready for market. However, only now is Mavic issuing a recall:


Mavic now acknowledge that the front R-Sys can fail "during use in certain circumstances." They don't specify what those "certain circumstances" are, but I think we can infer that they mean "riding." As such, Mavic will give customers a "new upgraded R-Sys front wheel." I'm not sure what they mean by "upgraded" either, but perhaps the upgrade will include those crazy metal spokes everyone's been talking about. I hear they're totally bomb-proof.

Lastly, if you're wondering where things stand with The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--The Unsinkable Legend) rest assured that evaluations are proceeding apace. Also rest assured I'm not taking this lightly, which is why I have not rushed to judgment. Just to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with, consider this:



This is a submission from someone called "thealphastate." I have censored it to render it safe for work, but rest assured that in its uncensored state you can see everything. (And by "everything" I mean the place where you'd use Univaga.) In a tale worthy of Bust magazine, thealphastate claims that he met the woman in the photograph while he was trackstanding in an alley, and that after helping her repair her old crappy 10 speed they adjourned to his apartment where the above photo was taken and presumably a liaison ensued.

I can't show you the photograph in more detail at present (since, as I said, it's not safe for work and it's not hosted someplace I can link to), but I can show you something you probably don't want to see, which is another photo of thealphastate's fixterified Pista Concept in front of a washing machine. I can also say that my job as a judge is hard because:

1) The submission technically came after the deadline so I must decide whether or not to allow it;
2) I must decide whether or not to believe the alphastate's alley trackstand pickup story;
3) If the alley trackstand pickup story is true, then the photo was not conceived expressly for the contest; rather, it was an opportunistic photo later repurposed for submission to the contest.

This is just one example of the kinds of issues with which I'm grappling. But rest assured I'm not afraid of a little grappling, and I remain determined to wrestle this thing to the ground and declare a winner soonishly.