Friday, May 30, 2008

This Just In: Fixed-Gears Officially a Cliché

A number of people have alerted me to the abnormally high PistaDex in America's damp cycling capital, Portland, OR. This would seem to imply that the Fixed-Gear Apocalypse is a long way off. However, there are other signs which contradict this. An attractive female reader who wished only to be identified as an "attractive female reader" informs me that she was curling up with a copy of Bust magazine when she came across this piece of fixed-gear erotica:





Graphic? Certainly. Titillating? I'm not sure what that means. Culturally significant? Most definitely. Surely the final step in something becoming a real cliché is when it's incorporated into pornography. It's sort of like how your country isn't officially blighted until celebrities start showing up and taking your children away. Now that bike messengers have joined the long line of cable installers, plumbers, and repairmen waiting in line to have consequence-free sex with America's erotic heroines, their mainstream appropriation is surely complete.

While I'm on the subject of sex, I'd also like to warn you about what appears to be a disturbing new trend in bike saddles. Following is a photo which reader Ed Buffington (which, truth be told, would be a good name for the male cyclist in the Bust story) took with his camera phone during a recent trip to New Haven, CT. The bike was apparently locked up outside of a bar near the Yale campus. The image isn't quite safe for work, and it's definitely in poor taste, so in the interest of propriety it will be preceeded by three warnings.


Warning 1:

Warning 2:


Warning 3:


OK, you asked for it:


Sorry for all those warnings, but you can see it's quite shocking. Not only does the bike have a pie plate and a reflector, but it also still has the sizing sticker on the seat tube. I really hate to see that on a bike, especially such a fine one as this Trek "Snap-On" edition mountain bike. Oh, right, the saddle. Yes, it appears to be some kind of dildo. Disturbing.

76 comments:

Anonymous said...

Podium!

Anonymous said...

Finally, 2nd?

Amir said...

Nobody can look as good just finishing with the pack than Amir.

Anonymous said...

Very disturbing! I don't want to think about what could be next.

Anonymous said...

Well, I can't say I wasn't warned.

Cameron said...

Top 10 and I would have to say that the Opinionated Cyclist has to be the culprit behind the dildo seat.

marypoppins said...

I was too busy youtubing to notice the sprint finish

leroy said...

Is it blue because it's cold?

Someone touch it and find out.

Dare you.

bonechilling said...

I'll bet that Mr. Buffington just caught some frat boy's prank.

pinchfinger said...

Bikesnob,
I apologize for calling you an incomprehensible slut yesterday.
I was drunk out of my gourd.

Anonymous said...

Your penis gourd?

pinchfinger said...

Yikes. How did you know?

Stuggy said...

Ahh, just missed top 10.

g said...

If it was cold, it would be much smaller.

Anonymous said...

You mean "strap on"? Not that I would know.

Emily said...

Warning #3 was more alarming than the bike photo. Neither of which was more alarming than the "erotic" story.
No one should be broadcasting this misapprehension that bike girls think its sexy when dudes can't change their own flats. We don't. We think it's lame.

Strayhorn said...

While checking the Bust for typos, I noticed the ad to the right is for "Safe Reproductive Cycle Solutions."

Reproductive Cycles? Is that Grant Peterson's new venture? Or does it fit in with the dildo saddle option somehow?

Anonymous said...

i'll have to agree with emily.
so... if i see two hipsters wildly fucking under the bridge, would i steal one of their bikes just sheepishly flung on the ground in the heat of passion? i'll be grappling with this question all day... and dealing with the term 'bike juice'...
thanks for that, it's going to be a GOOOOOOD weekend.
j

Bikeslob 80220 said...

Smooth, frictionless fuck??? Where I come from, frictionless means she's been around the block a few times. It is nice to hear that Prolly got laid though.

ice cube said...

I see that seat all over salt lake!

Pedal Strike Force Agent Down said...

hilarious!

Anonymous said...

So often I see mountain bikes locked somewhere or the other with their saddles removed for safekeeping and their seat tubes open to the elements (rain) and I always have two thoughts (okay, three: couldn't they replace that quick release with a normal nut and bolt?): don't they get grease from their seatpost all over the inside of their Timbuk2 messenger bags? and Isn't there something they could jam into the seat tube to keep the rain out?

JAT in Seattle

KendrickPerkins said...

I ride my bike to class every day and I have never received any interest from horny bike enthusiasts with spare tubes. Maybe this is why fixed gears are so popular...

Judi said...

Agree with you Emily.

The article was kind of cheesy too.

roomservicetaco said...

Do they make those in carbon fiber?

g said...

RST,
are you looking to carbon for stiffness, weight savings or aerodynamics?

Scott said...

Got about a paragraph into the smut before I had to vomit. I'm sure someone else can tell me the ending.

Commiecanuk said...

That Trek is indeed shocking. Who would put a "Snap-on" sticker on a bike?
I'd like to save valuable comment reader's time and dispense the following comments:

" I had one of those saddles in black, but it was too high"

"They make a racing version of this saddle, it's circumcised."

"anything like...Vertically stiff, laterally compliant, etc.etc."

"The Garrison 2000"

wishiwasmerckx said...

I was speaking to a friend about plans for the weekend. He eloquently explained that he was staying in because he was "broke like a New York City bike lock."

Carrie said...

Recap:
- he wipes grease on her leg
- then uses those same fingers to get all up in her.

When she asked for a condom she should've also asked for a wetnap. Grease can't be good for the habitat down there.

Brian said...

That was hilarious. I definitely never went on a second date with a woman because she admitted she couldn't fix a flat.

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, we know from past posts that you are not a Newsweek subscriber, but they had an article this week about bloggers landing fat advances for book deals with major publishing houses. Turns out that the author of "Stuff White People Like" got $350,000.00 from Random House. Considering that cycling apparently appeals to less than 1% of the general public, you should be able to land a hefty advance of oh, say, $17.43. Then we can open a nice box of wine to celebrate. Call your agent, pronto.

Anonymous said...

Dirty? Poorly dressed? Bad teeth? Sex between the dumpsters? Sounds more like a mercy-fuck of a homeless guy than an erotic adventure.

Anonymous said...

you call that pornography? sounds more like a hallmark card to me. pornography is what i did to my gf last nite, and trust me,there was nothing sanitary about it. no wetnap needed...it started out w/a ride, me riding her face and pedaling her ears.

Anonymous said...

Hey Brian, nice super ambiguous sentence.

wishiwasmerckx said...

I have an alternate ending to the story. "Turns out I had a 15mm spanner, and he had 16mm lugs, so I rode on home and fed the dog."

Anonymous said...

"Straddling my bike with the frame snug against my crotch..." Why oh why can't these posers ever ride a bike which fits them properly?

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh, i must be getting old...still nothing wrong w/ a guiltless fuck & i could even enjoy a well orchestrated publi-fuck but the bike grease as sex lube & between two stinking nyc dumpsters ???...yeecch...

..."baby, don't bite me so hard on the neck"...
..."i'm not, lover"...
..."oh fuck, it's a huge rat"
...NICE...

...& don't try to pass off a pie plate, stickers & reflectors as being "quite shocking", bsnyc/rtms...just the fact that you featured a trek on these pages is shocking enough...

...that 'selle upinya' saddle looks a little uncomfortable also...

g said...

as if this whole sorrid experience weren't enough, I discovered this earlier today:
Spoke Card
i need a shower...

Anonymous said...

Bikeslob 80220: prolly is still a virgin, its part of being a really cool bmx wannabe fixie trickster. he is hung like his japanese brethren, but does a mean chainring grind
700c barspin to fake fake.

roomservicetaco said...

"are you looking to carbon for stiffness, weight savings or aerodynamics?"

g, in this case, the opposite of a carbon frame - vertically stiff and laterally compliant.

realitycheck said...

That seat looks right up your alley, bikeslobknob. I thought you were just a dedicated rider. You never get off your bike because you ARE getting off on your bike. Homos in spandex on road bikes, what a cliche.

Clay Aiken said...

I see you guys found my bike.

roomservicetaco said...

oops...just realized Commiecanuk already covered the stiffness/compliance angle (among other witty ones).

ZakT said...

Dildon't

frilly said...

snob-

holy s**t, that's all I can say & that's sayin' something.

That and apparently I need to start carrying spare tubes with me.

bgw-nice narrative.

Wow, I'm feeling kind of warm all of the sudden.

Lani said...

Just curious--do you know if the bike with the crazy saddle belongs to a man or a woman??

Also, thanks to you BSNYC I have taken the pieplate off my wheel!! I have a cyclocross so wouldn't it be weird that a pieplate would be on it, no?

bikesgonewild said...

...oh my...realitycheck, realitycheck, r-e-a-l-i-t-y-check...(shaking of head here)...didn't your doctor explain the concept of 'projection' to you...

...so sad...

ErikCrapton said...

Clay Aiken: Thanks for the clarification ... at first I thought it was the prototype for Mr. Garrison's personal transport innovation: http://tinyurl.com/26qlzm

meh-wee-uhn said...

Bust mag: "For women with something to get off their chests"

bikesgonewild said...

...sorry i couldn't respond right away, frilly but although i'm not a doctor & nor did i stay in a 'holiday inn express' last night, i have watched all of tony soprano's shrink scenes & i just knew a troubled soul was calling out...

...perhaps someday, we can gloriously 'arch' our hot, wet, sweaty backs together in the st looy sun, bound together by the passion that we share...ya, i think a bike ride w/ you, despite the humidity, would be special...

Anonymous said...

reality check- i know who you are and i plan to out you. i've seen you ride, and what you ride and its almost too good to be true that you would shoot yer mouth off. yer a golfball, on a tee, and big bertha si coming fast. standby all...

frilly said...

Wow-weeee! You bring the bike grease & I'll bring the tubes.

Yeah, it'll be humid, its StL in the summer, and yeah we'll be sweaty.

Remember those bike trails? Well, there's a couple that cut through the woods. While its not exactly under a bridge...

wishiwasmerckx said...

BGW and Frilly -- get a room.

frilly said...

Can we borrow yours?

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh, wishiwasmerckx...this whole post was centered around an explicitly graphic depiction of what may have been one of bsnyc/rtms chance cycling encounters...

...if frilly & i cross that metaphorical bridge & ride paths in the woods together, we're keeping an eye out for lurking guys who are or have "16mm lugs"...

...just sayin'...

realitycheck said...

ANON 356:

If you saw me on a road bike wearing a helmet and spandex, then that makes me a hypocrite.

If you saw me on a Surly with riser bars and my hat flipped up, that makes me a member of the community you despise.

Being that I dont associate with either group, I await your "outing." It seems fitting that you would be the one to conduct the ceremony.

sh said...

"Straddling my bike with the frame snug against my crotch..." Why oh why can't these posers ever ride a bike which fits them properly?

Best. Comment. Today.

frilly said...

Yeah, that's right, we're just trying to keep the riding safe.

And, if & when we're doing our bit of public service, bgw might also be giving me some pointers on proper saddle position.

Its all good.

rusty said...

That's enough.
I flopped my flip flop hub last week and installed a rear brake. I'm riding a single speed now.
Readers... seriously, get off this sinking "fixie" ship while you can. If you get off now you will still have bragging rights about being being an early dismisser. Kind of like when you never got a facebook page.

Anonymous said...

rusty! You dork. Un-fixing a bike for the sake of leaving a trend is just as stupid as getting a fixie to join one.

Ride what you like and let others do the same. Great that you're digging the SS ... I'd like one myself, perhaps.

robotgunsgovoip said...

that turned me on.
girl on bike, make me drool.
girl on fixie, make semen pool.

Anonymous said...

Great. First vegetables, now bikes.

Anonymous said...

that's actually a punishment for something or other at some Hash House Harriers hare-and-hound biking events (or "Bash"; if you've ever seen a posse of half-drunken reprobates on bikes or afoot yelling "On-on!", that's them). seriously. Remove saddle, place dildo, ride 'til next week. the dildo usually has been found on the street.

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