Innovation or Catastrophe? Scratching, Cradling, Sanding, and Beating Your Way to a "Better" Bike

The world, as we all know, is filled with idiots. This is particularly apparent if you travel by bicycle. The bicycle allows you to cover great distances, thus exposing you to a wide cross-section of idiocy. Also, because you are exposed and at street level, there is no barrier protecting you from that idiocy. While you can see idiocy from the window of a car, bus, or train, you don't also get to feel, touch, taste and smell idiocy like you can while on a bicycle. (If you're wondering, idiocy tastes metallic, with a hint of fruit.)

One of my favorite types of idiot is the "amateur traffic director." Occasionally, this idiot springs to action in the event of an emergency, such as a traffic accident or a power outage, and attempts to keep traffic moving until a "professional traffic director" (traffic cop) arrives. More often, though, the amateur traffic director simply takes it upon himself to halt traffic and route it around his idiot friend or co-worker who feels the need to perform an illegal operation with his vehicle.

I encountered one of these idiots just this morning. He was attempting to stop traffic on a busy downtown Brooklyn street during rush hour so his friend could make a u-turn in his Ford Explorer. As it happened, I was the first vehicle this amateur traffic director selected for stopping. He looked me dead in the eye, put one hand up in the universal "Halt!" gesture, and started waving his friend on with the other.

I could only laugh. I mean, come on. I don't even follow most traffic laws. What makes me think I'm going to stop for you? Maybe--maybe--you'd at least impart some authority if you were wearing a day-glo safety vest. Then I might be momentarily fooled into thinking you were stopping traffic for something important, like a giant hole into which I might fall if I kept going. But the only thing your outerwear conveyed was that you like the Giants, and I don't think "Stop! Giants fan!" has ever worked on anybody. It was kind of cute, though, and I've got to give you credit for trying.

But there are plenty of idiots on bikes, too. And when those idiots get angry at other idiots, things can get ugly. Over the weekend many readers forwarded me these controversial bar end plugs, which are apparently intended for keying cars:













I don't think these are really for sale, mostly because I couldn't find any indication anywhere of how to actually buy them (though I am, admittedly, an idiot). Maybe the weaponry experts at Competitive Cyclist can sell them along with the pepper spray. But if someone is attempting to actually market these, they're completely stupid for the following reasons:

--The people who go around scratching cars are the ones for whom everything is a subliminal act of revenge towards their parents, and for whom the phrase "One Less Car" excludes the Volkswagen Jetta they received as a present for graduating from Sarah Lawrence. And, as we all know, those sorts of people ride fixed-gears. And Sara Lawrence graduates who ride fixed-gears carry their keys on carabiners which hang from the waists of their snug jeans or capris, thus making them easily accessible for anti-bourgeois car-scratching adventures. There's simply no need for additional keys on the handlebars.

--Narrow bars are all the rage. Why would anybody add unsightly millimeters with these things?

--If you're running, rocking, or rubbing any other type of bar on your anti-bourgeois, car-scratching, "Screw you Mom and Dad!" bike these bar end plugs will be utterly useless. What good are they sticking out from the front of a pair of bullhorns, or from the ends of a pair of drop bars where they might stab you in the knees?

But perhaps the biggest problem with these keyed bar end plugs is the comic hijinx that would ensue if someone were to try and actually use them. I would love to see an enraged cyclist ride up to a car and attempt to run his handlebars along the side of it. As soon as the key snagged on a door handle or a gap between the panels the bike would immediately steer into the car and probably leave the rider splayed across the hood or roof. And even if the cyclist were able to scratch the car and remain upright, the kinds of people who scratch cars (see above) are not the kinds of people who fare well in physical altercations with enraged motorists whose cars they have just damaged. People in the throes of road rage generally don't stand there and wait for you to rummage around in your messenger bag for your can of pepper spray.

Speaking of messenger bags, if you're a diminutive urban cyclist prone to petty and juvenile acts of vandalism, VAGX is the bag for you:


I'd always thought VAGX was an over-the-counter topical cream used to treat labial swelling (similar to Univaga), but thanks to Prolly's blog I now know it's a brand of bag. VAGX bags come in lots of "colorways," which is what people who wear flat-brim caps call "colors," and they're very spacious, so rest assured that you can cram plenty of crap into your VAGX. Best of all, VAGX offers lots of "collabo" products. My deepest hope is that someone will resurrect the Dick Power marque and we'll one days see a "Dick Power X VAGX" bag. That would beat the hell out of plastic bar end plugs with key blanks stuck through them.

But until I can buy a Dick Power X VAGX bag, I guess I'm going to have to make do with a Shimano XTR hub. A reader forwarded me this link, and I was delighted to read that the XTR hub will actually "cradle the balls":



If you've been looking for an excuse to upgrade, here it is. The XTR hub is a huge step up from the XT model, which merely cups the balls, and a significant upgrade from the LX hub, which kind of mushes them. I don't even want to say what a Deore hub does to the balls, but suffice to say unless you want to replace your balls on a regular basis you're better off walking. Actually, you might as well put the balls in a vise. On the other hand, if you want to experience pure bliss, try adding the Shimano's Yumeya aftermarket kit. Suki desu ka? Hai, suki desu! The balls will say domo arigato gozaimasu.

But what do you do if you can't upgrade your hub to one that cradles the balls because you use an Aerospoke? Well, you can always get that magical tubular ride by grinding your rim down:







Front Aerospoke 700c non clincher, gloss black, MINT fixed gear/fixie - $245 (Union Square)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-22, 12:02PM EST

Im selling my new Front aerospoke. it is in MINT condition.

its a 700C that was originally a clincher, but i sanded it down, and had it professionally resprayed all black and then clear coated. there ones super tiny chip in the paint but its literally like brand new. super light wheel, hate to get rid of it but i need the money and its been to cold to enjoy my bike.

my cell is 973 [deleted] call / text me.

thanks, Mark

(pic is from when i had it mounted to my bike for a very short time, the sticker is no removed)

If you're unfamiliar with the technical magic behind the Aerospoke, it basically involves gluing a Velocity Aerohead rim to a composite wheel body. So to then take that Aerohead rim and sand it down in order to accept a tubular tire is an exceedingly stupid thing to do. (A process, I might add, which he reveals after asserting that the wheel is in MINT condition. I guess in Craigslist speak, "mint" means "severely compromised.") This might very well be the most dangerous front wheel in all of New York City, and the "Molotov" sticker on it is expecially fitting since it's liable to blow up at any time. Interestingly though, he doesn't say it's actually a "tubular" wheel now. He just says it's a "non clincher." Perhaps he's simply rubbing a wheelchair tire, like this guy:

(photo by Lilia of Velo Vogue)

I've come across the wheelchair wheel bike before, and I'm pleased to see it's still in service. In any case, whoever buys the sanded Aerospoke should have plenty of opportunity to experiment with wheelchair setup after that rim falls apart on the Williamsburg Bridge.

But when it comes to true mechanical innovation, you've got to go to Columbus, from whence a reader has forwarded me this:




parts off my 10 speed im converting to a fixxie - $1 (clintonville)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-25, 9:31AM EST

these parts came with a schwinn world sport that im using for a fixxie. i dont need the chain, deraleurs (shimano but im not sure what series),shifters, shifter cables, brakes( previous owner took them apart), one brake lever (i beat the other one off with a hammer), some loose berrings and a skewer or two.
i would like to get $1.99 out of the whole bag of junk...err..parts but i'm open to offers. i'm open to trades.. maybe a set of pedals, a couple boxes of mac and cheese,etc. really want these items and cant afford them? feel free to dig them out of my trash in the morning cause thats where they'll be if they dont sell today

I was particularly impressed by the fact that he "beat the other [brake lever] off with a hammer." That's a subtle technique. Coincidentally, "beating off with a hammer" is what it feels like to run/rock/rub a low-end hub. Yet another reason to step up to XTR.