There's The Rub: Marketing Gone Amok Awry

As the epic war against effective braking on bicycles rages on, yet another crushing blow has been dealt to controlled stopping by the forces of unimpeded forward motion. I've just received a link from a reader to this bicycle, which as you can see features a Seat Stay Mounted Brake Lever (or SSMBL):

If you're constantly wearing a hole in the seat of your pants due to getting behind the saddle and stopping the rear wheel with your posterior (which in freestyle parlance is called an "assjam"), rejoice! Instead, you can now simply sit on your brake lever. However, according to the notes on this entry a wardrobe full of "assjam holes" was not the motivating factor behind the SSMBL setup. Instead, it was actually inspired by a ticket:



Notes:

I know it's not great, but I'm pretty happy with this bike.

Rattle-canned smoke grey and clear-coated in matte finish

I'm looking to buy these, used, at a good price...
-some 38cm Nitto B123AAs
-a nice black rear track hub (75-100 dollar-range)
-MKS chain tensioners
-black toshi doubles
-black san marco regal
-possibly a kashimax top tube protector (PM if you have if you have any of these and wanna sell).

Also down the road I wanna add black sugino 75s and a thomson elite stem and seatpost. Also some day I might get it powdercoated this color, but probably not.

The ghetto-mounted break is because I got a 100 dollar ticket for not having one. I'd rather spend my next 100 dollars on new shit.

Well that makes sense. I suppose if he got a ticket for not having a light he'd pull the post and drop a few hipster cysts down the seat tube. That oughtta show "the Man." I'm not sure why he says the "break" is "ghetto-mounted" though. I've been to the ghetto (in a car of course, with the windows shut and the doors locked as I crouched beneath the dash and fervently prayed the Rosary) and I've never seen a setup like that. Or is that the new name for that part of the bike? I suppose the handlebars are the "suburbs," because only a woosie completely bereft of street cred would put a brake lever there. But it is totally street-credulous to put your crotch there:


In all sincerity, though, I am pleased to read that he is "pretty happy with this bike." After all, being happy is what it's all about. I am sad, however, that he's fallen victim to upgrade fever and wants to buy a bunch of "new shit." (Or, as Chari & Co. calls it, "new shits.") Why replace a perfectly good black track hub with a more expensive black track hub? Also, why put a Kashimax top tube protector on a bike that doesn't need one? In the interest of science, I've gone ahead and diagrammed the suburban region of the bike:

The green lines show the angle of the stem and the top tube. Notice there is actually potential for them to make contact--if the top tube and stem were both 40 feet long. The blue lines show the length of the stem relative to the current makeshift top tube protector's distance from the head tube, and based on this it would appear that the stem is as likely to make contact with the top tube protector as the average person is likely to make oral contact with his or her own genitals. (Please note I said average.)*

*Redacted: further diagramming proves Kashimax may be warranted!



Of course, it is possible that the rider rocks/runs a different bar/stem setup occasionally. For example, he may "run" a longer stem with drop bars for fast riding, and then "rock" a short stem with risers for "sessioning." (And no "session" is complete without a few crotch-in-the-burbs skids.) But still, my point is that if he's happy now there's no surer way to become unhappy than by chasing the "upgrade" dragon. The more you buy, the more you need. And there's no point in simply rebuilding your bike all over again only in more expensive form.

Then again, even I must admit that it can feel good to have nice things. And one way to appreciate having a nice bike is to ride a not-so-nice bike, like this singlespeed road bike from the secret website, forwarded by a reader:




Whether you want to put the joy back into your morning commute, you want to be a hipster and boost your “street cred”, or you just want to ride/rock a bike stripped down to its purist form, the Single Speed Road Bike has what it takes and does it in affordable style. Color: Frigate Grey. 27lbs.

On this post-inaugural day, I am really disappointed to see that Nashformance is not only continuing to crank out cheap urban bikes like some kind of fixie Easy-Bake Oven, but that it is also still mining this blog for copy. Not only that, but they couldn't even get the reference right--notice that they said "ride/rock" instead of "run/rock." I mean, everybody knows you never, ever "ride" a bicycle or component. You "rock" it, or you "run" it. Maybe you "slay" it, or in certain parts of the country I hear people sometimes even "rub" it. (As in "I'm totally rubbing a Tektro brake lever on my seat stay.") Frankly, I'd expect more attention to detail from a company able to build a 30lb singlespeed.

So to save both Nashformance and myself the trouble, I'm just going to go ahead and rewrite all their copy for them:




Original copy:

Finally its here, a 29er singlespeed from Bike Nashbar! Our design team chose burly, larger diameter 6061 Aluminum frame tubing to prevent the wicked harsh ride you get from most rigid singlspeed [sic] mountain bikes. We chose to design the frame to be suspension ready so if you can't take the hard knocks of a fully rigid ride, slap your favorite 9er suspension fork on and rip it. We also included a removable derailleur hanger for those of you who can't stomach just 1 gear. Both the fork and frame will accept disc brakes. Color: Vanilla Dune. 29.23lbs

How does "burly, larger diameter 6061 Aluminum frame tubing prevent the wicked harsh ride you get from most rigid singlspeed [sic] mountain bikes."? Isn't large-diameter aluminum tubing supposed to be more rigid than smaller diameter steel tubing? Granted, the type of tubing makes absolutely no difference in ride feel on a bike with 29"x2.1 tires, but even if it's not jarring to ride it certainly is jarring to read. I'd go with something like:

We've decided there's a market for 29ers, since people have been buying a lot of 29er tires and tubes from us. Also, our design team finally realized it's just as cheap to make a 29er singlespeed as it is to make any other type of singlespeed--especially if you use burly, larger diameter 6061 Aluminum frame tubing. The frame is suspension-ready and has a derailleur hanger, but if you can't handle a fully rigid singlespeed ride, you might as well just put on a dress. Instead, keep the bike as is and take it to the Singlespeed World Championships, where you also might as well put on a dress, but where it's cool to do so because it's ironic. Frame and fork also have disc tabs if you choose to rub dics [sic]. Color: Fleshy. 29.23lbs.


Original copy:

Get ready for the trails and rough city streets with the 21-speed Columbia Trailhead Disc mountain bike. Features 6-inch aluminum disc brakes for reliable stopping, precision Shimano RD-TX50-L rear and TZ30 front derailleurs, and Sram TRX shifters, RST 191-T6 front suspension fork provides a smoother ride over rough terrain as well as improved control with 80mm of travel. A lightweight 6061 alloy frame has replaceable hanger , disc mounts and fender mounts. Other features include a threadless stem with 25-degree rise, steel handlebar, comfortably padded anatomical saddle, lightweight alloy rims, and heavy duty wheels (26 by 2.1 inches).

Revision:

Thanks to Nashbar, you no longer have to go to Wal-Mart to find a 7-speed mountain bike! The Columbia Trailhead Disc is perfect for riding on the sidewalk, delivering Chinese food, or simply creating additional clutter in your garage. Features disc brakes so you don't have to ride around with your v-brakes unhooked, as well as SRAM TRX shifters, which contain all the letters of Shimano XTR at a fraction of the cost. Also includes RST suspension fork for additional weight, and a replaceable derailleur hanger so you can always not shift.





Original copy:

Representing the upper crust of cycling society, the CFR Elite flaunts a beautiful carbon frame and sophisticated components that’ll have you accelerating with speed, power and agility. Constructed with state-of-the-art Composite Bladder Molding and Aerospace Composite technologies, the carbon fiber chassis delivers a nearly “weightless” ride while remaining laterally stiff, vertically resilient and fast as all get out! And with the addition of Shimano’s smooth and effortless Ultegra drivetrain, the powerful climbing performance of FSA carbon cranks and the lightweight aerodynamics of Mavic’s Aksium wheelset, you’ll find yourself wondering how you ever rode without it!

Revision:

More than a bicycle, the Scattante CFR Elite is a feeling. A bike without compromise, it's like being able to go to the bathroom without taking off your pants. Laterally stiff and vertically ineffable, it climbs like it's on rails, floats through corners, and accelerates like a really fast cheese. Ultegra drivetrain is effortless, unless you do your own maintenance, in which case effort may be required. Also comes with Mavic's Aksium wheelset, which Mavic gives you free when you turn in your recalled R-Sys, so you know it's good. Will the CFR Elite enlarge your palmares? Just rub it and see!

Yes, with all this marketing it's no wonder everybody's defecting to the simpler, purer world of p-fars. However, even that's getting tainted by the "feculators":







High Wheel bicycle pennyfarthing - $1500 (Machesney Park)
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2009-01-20, 12:46AM CST

Reproduction High Wheel bicycle 51" wheel. I have a 31.5" inseam and no trouble riding this machine. It is not perfect, but is rideable. I have rode it in parades and around the neighborhood. I rode it a few years back at the Calvin Challenge in Ohio to become a voting member of the Wheelmen org. One off copy of an 1879 Open Head Excelsior Duplex. Thanks for looking. MP is about an hour west of Chicago on the north side of Rockford, Illinois.

Any true p-far enthusiast knows that an essential part of the scene's camaraderie and authenticity is conducting business in period-correct, old-timey dollars. $1,500 in the late 1800s would be worth almost $40,000 today, and is simply inexcusable. Even though this one is actually a reproduction, the old-timey dollar rule should still apply. Also, riding in parades is actually frowned upon in the p-far community as it is seen as crass exhibitionism as well as a reinforcement of the popular notion that p-fars are simply curiosities and not suited to actual riding. In a way, parades are the p-far equivalent of Critical Mass.

Yes, p-far owners can be quite militant. I was shocked to receive the following photos from a reader, which as you can see depict a p-far armed with an automatic weapon and about to fire on a bunch of "safeties":


These photos were actually intended as submissions to The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by Boston Whaler Boats--the Unsinkable Legend) but unfortunately came well after the official deadline, which was December 31st:


These photos rattled me like a pair of testicles astride a boneshaker, though I confess I was amused to find a Scattante among the victims. I was also amused to find an actual cat in one of the photos:


Indeed, you can't spell Scattante without "cat"--which proves there's a little pussy in every one. (However, that's not going to keep me from rubbing my Scattante.)