Thursday, October 23, 2008

In The Air Tonight: Weird Cycling and Bike Love

Cycling has a rich and smarmy history of Casanovas. And when love and bikes collide, it can be difficult to tell the butterflies of excitement from the waves of nausea. Just a few of cycling's more amorous characters over the years have included:


Mario Cipollini, the man who proved you can use the same lube for chain, coiffure, and coitus;



Amir, the lovelorn financier, who considering the state of the economy may by now have lost his shirt (much to the delight of female cyclists everywhere);



And of course Floyd Landis.

If you're a female cyclist and you've somehow managed to elude all the suitors above, I must warn you for chastity's sake that you should not allow yourself to grow complacent. Because there's a new low-riding lothario on the scene, and there's a very good chance you won't see him coming until it's too late and he's already beneath you. That's right, he's on the make--and he's riding a recumbent:

If you're unfamiliar with the recumbent, it's similar to the bicycle in that it has two wheels and it's human-powered, but it's also very different in that you kind of lie down on it. Also, it replaces the saddle with a lounge chair and your dignity with a big gaping hole. This particular fellow is looking for one particular lady, but that doesn't mean the rest of you are safe:


Looking for tour de bronx asian girl - m4w - 30
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-10-20, 8:27PM EDT

This past sunday ( Oct 19 2008 ) I was volunteering at the Tour de Bronx on my strange looking bike. There is a cute chinese girl riding the 40 mile route. Unfortunately I didn't get your contact info.. That's me on the left and the girl on the right is the one I'm looking for.. ;>

I would like to meet you and get together for lunch/dinner sometime soon.

Our would-be wooer did not get this woman's number, but he did manage to take a photograph of her and post it on Craigslist, which I regard as both putting the recumbent before the horse and just plain creepy. Even creepier is the vantage point of the photo, which is taken from below and suggests that he may have shot her while he was actually riding the recumbent. (Or in flagrante recumbo, as they say in 'bent circles.) I'm sure as he rolled by he assumed a seductive pose and perhaps even reclined imperially:


She's smiling in the photo though, so he must have captured her milliseconds before the look of abject horror crossed her face. Then again, she may have actually been charmed by his recumbence. After all, my own Ironic Orange Julius Bike is a plain old upright, and people only regard me with thinly-veiled disgust. (Though that may be due to my new handlebar accessory.) Perhaps I could curry a bit more favor on a rolling La-Z-Boy.

Clearly, though, freaky and perverse cycling is in the zeitgeist right now. A reader has just informed me that the 2008 Indoor Cycling World Championships is set to begin on Friday in Dornbirn, Austria. As you can see from the official site, "artistic cycling" is just one of the disciplines you can find there. There's also Radball, which is to bike polo what artistic cycling is to fixed-gear freestyling, and which should not be confused with either Madballs, Madball, or my new handlebar accessory. Best of all, it looks like there will also be live music of some kind:

I don't know who these guys are, but they're probably the Austrian Madball. In any case, it's exciting. And with the UCI overseeing things, you can be sure that the drug restrictions will be even tighter than the unitards.

But when it comes to the zeitgeist, the only scent heavier than that of freaky and perverse cycling is that of Obama-themed fixed-gears. Just a week after the last one comes another:



Fashion-based fixed-gears aren't always the best transportation vehicles, but they make excellent marketing vehicles. And among fans of fixed-gear fashion the Obama brand is almost as hot as Nitto and Sugino. (Thanks at least in part to his "youth marketing agency.") I was especially moved to see that the designer, Tristan Eaton, is a "vinyl toy designing auteur," because if there's two things toy designers know it's bicycles and politics. This should catapult Obama right into the White House and the rider right into an oncoming car.

In the interest of fairness though I'd love to see Eaton design another bike for McCain. Then he could really use those toy-designing chops. He could even incorporate a few Madballs.

83 comments:

Anonymous said...

podium!

BKF

Anonymous said...

third?

Anonymous said...

PODIUM to tha PODIUM!!!

streepo said...

rats!!

Stuggy said...

Top ten!

Stuggy said...

And I done read the article, too!

Anonymous said...

anon1st!

Anonymous said...

Vinyl Toys!

COMA said...

Hey Snob,
Not sure if you saw this yesterday...
http://fixedgeargallery.com/2008/oct/3/JesseDeBortole.htm

Eudocimus albus said...

yabai orlando!!

Anonymous said...

DMS -- demonstrate my style!

bloodline said...

no style 'cept hater style

Anonymous said...

Short post.
And those boys with the instruments look as if they could be a possible band formed by Mormon missionaries.

libertyonbikes! said...

didn't think i could loose lunch this way.
which is worse:
recumbent
getting stalked by recumbenter
hipgear - i mean fixed gear obama

just finish me off with a full frontal
of cippo in his 80's peak. i need some pepto

Anonymous said...

Oh my god, MADBALLS!!! I have been wondering what those things were called for the longest! Bikesnob, you are a saint!

libertyonbikes! said...

with all the posting on fixed gear freestyling
just watch quicksilver, in all it's 80's glory.
it was to cycling what gleaming the cube was for skating. pure not awesomeness. keep trackstanding......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIwMGkqa6Sw

Anonymous said...

I prefer kunstrad, myself.
All you radballers can go suck yourselves.

libertyonbikes! said...

wait! i've seen that look from a girl before,
it's the "I am calling the police as soon as I get some distance from you" or the "just keep smiling and he will go away" look. classic.
but since he's on a 'bent (and proud) we've
established he has no clue, or love life.

urchin said...

"in flagrante recumbo"

chapeau!

er, I mean, meh.

ICE CUBE said...

MADBALL!!

urchin said...

ack! where's my photo?

without my absent gazing eyes, I'm...

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahahahahaha @ obama bike. i like obama and fixed gears for that matter, but man what a waste of money.

Daniel! said...

Ah, "gross for one, gross for all!" Remember how awesome it was when part of a toy's appeal was that it disgusted girls?

Anonymous said...

Looks like Cipo needs to get him some of those handlebar thingies, is this a side effect of steroids, EPO, or the multi-use lube?

Jim said...

He's an "auteur"?

Is that what they call kids with autism these days?

Anonymous said...

If you like the Obama bike you should see the McCain and Palin bike I recently built. I can't wait to hit the streets of Chicago on Election Day.

Photos coming soon

Anonymous said...

"And those boys with the instruments look as if they could be a possible band formed by Mormon missionaries."

Oh my God! I thought exactly the same thing! "They look like Mormons," was what I muttered to myself. "Especially that guy on accordian," I added under my breath.

streepo said...

Thanks for the tip on the plastic balls. I've just been hanging my own over the handlebar.

Anonymous said...

Why are you hanging truck nutz on your handlebar? Are you cycling backwards? Oh...that was yesterday's post.

Anonymous said...

All you haters, suck my madballs.

Gnarles Darwin said...

My Vinyl toy came with cheerleader outfit.

Anonymous said...

madb alls

Anonymous said...

wtf is with the comments design now?

Anonymous said...

That Obama bike is no fixer-upper either. It was a brand new Dolan.

http://www.thundervote.com/bike

FigBug said...

check out my blog: http://bustedcarbon.blogspot.com/

not ass good as bsnyc, but still worth reading

Rob said...

Anonymous 1:34,

You muttered to yourself they look like Mormons then you added something under your breath to yourself? Did you want yourself to "kind of hear" you say something but not really understand yourself.

Would one side of you be offended at the Mormon comment?...

Anonymous said...

Figbug: I'm not looking unless you promise there is balls on it.

Hater said...

This post needs more balls.

Anonymous said...

obama's got a creepy old dude stalking him!
http://tinyurl.com/6hwf43

Lucky 7 said...

Smokey nutz and plate steel nutz, but no crabon frobber nutz? What the hell?!?! At least they now have that more natural swing. I can't tell you how embarrassing it was to be sportin' deez nutz with such a fake dangle.


A

thejakesnakes said...

Google isn't familiar with Thunder Vote.

bikesgonewild said...

...handlebar accessories ???...wtf...

...if yer gonna sport those on a bike, they definitely get fitted under the saddle between the seat rails where they hang in the breeze...

...if the guy on the recumbent had fitted a pair of those beneath the lounge chair of his 'bent, that cute chinese chick would be giving him a little 'dim sum' right now...

AnnaZed said...

Re this guy (posted earlier by someone):

http://fixedgeargallery.com/2008/oct/3/JesseDeBortole.htm

That is without exception one of the saddest photo/post combos that I have seen on fixedgeargallery, and that is saying something.

What a pathetic guy.

Mark said...

Sounds like Snobby must be alluding to a Junk Saver on the stem of his mountain bike, but oddly enough, what do you ride off road? Please don't say a Crap-and-fail! Hopefully, you ride something with class, maybe SS, or a quality FS rig. So what is it?

Anonymous said...

Here is Cipollini freaking out on an italian game show... does anybody speak italian?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIwMGkqa6Sw

Chubby said...

Hypnotized by rear wheel... must go vote

bikesgonewild said...

...come on, annazed, cut him some slack...

...the spotlight dance center is a perfect place for a guy like that to hang out w/ his cliche' fixxy & beer breathe so he can impress 13 year old girls...

Anonymous said...

mark, no one knows what he actually rides...

Anonymous said...

annazed, you are definitely OTL on that one. Man's rolling a Transition decked out with PBR logos and swillin PBRs, too! Now that's stylin!

frilly said...

Thought provoking stuff, snob.

I always imagined Cipo would have a little more going on in that dept.

For some reason, when I'm out riding & I see creeps like the recumbent dude, I subconsciously check to make sure the legbands on my shorts are very firmly in place.

And, it seems a little odd that the bike nutz are offered in blue and hot pink.

Anonymous said...

Anyone who claims to have more than the 7 minutes attention span it takes to watch radball is lying

Amir said...

Say, Buddy, can you spare a dime for a fellow American who's down on his luck?

Toronto Cyclist said...

This one, I made for you bikesnob. McCain takin' it to the streets once more!

Image linked to my name...

bikesgonewild said...

...amir, buddy...a little chain lube in the slick-back, a pinch rubbed into the chest & man, you oughta be out there selling your studly services to the women of nyc...

...or hey, the guys in the village if yer really wanna switch it up...chaps, a vest & a pair of handcuffs & yer aces, babe...

...a world of opportunity awaits ya, pal, while us ordinary dudes struggle through tight economic times...

...just pimpin'...

Critical Ass said...

Here's one of the endorsements Cipo had back in the day.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHo4UDCABUQ

leroy said...

Oh dear. This is embarrassing.

I was at the Tour de Bronx and riding on the other side of the amorous recumbent rider when he snapped his photo.

That woman was smiling at me.

But it's not what you think.

She was amused by the Edgar Allan Poe bobble head doll on my handlebars.

Well, who wouldn't be?

(Poor recumbent riding guy. I think his insistent humming of "Shorty got low" may have creeped her out. I know it made a lot of other riders around us uncomfortable.)

urchin said...

I could not possibly be more excited that the photos are back.

Isn't there a word for that?


...whatever...

ant1 said...

ant1st!

Andy Pandy said...

That recumbent seat looked mighty like a Mini Cooper S one. So is that dude setting the coolness bar to never achieved heights, yet at the same time so dorky he makes Tri Dorks look utterly sublime. Did his mommy knit him that fluoro green visibility vest.

Must say that it was nice knowing you RTMS as when Super Mario’s lawyers sue the bejeesus out of you for alluding that he has a rather shriveled little Mario, not much will be left over. I have one of those handlebar thingos to get me over the UCI weight limit. The looks you get as you blast though the pack

frilly said...

Geez, AP, spoiled milk on your Cheerios?

I like how he said that was him on the left and her on the right. That poor girl, hopefully her friends show her some mercy.

kale said...

It looks like that harlot absconded with BSNYC's Smartcar-race bag.

Frilly- Her friends will probably just be happy it wasn't her riding the 'bent with the mullet-wheelset.

Andy Pandy said...

Nah, A day left on the use by date, I checked.Must be fiscally frugal in these difficult times , and not waste anything. Tomorrow is dumpster diving day. And Strong latte is my poison

decora said...

Ines Brunn!!!!!

Bike Snob, you are destroying your credibility, making yourself look sexist, and calling into question your googling ability.

Though, there is a video out there where Ines says that her act would not be a 'big deal' in many places in Europe.

Anonymous said...

Obama is hoping for a Biden pull.

Anonymous said...

The Republican Party is just a bunch of white racists. It is filled with a bunch of Angry White Guys (and Gals) who think the 1965 Hart-Celler Immigration Act ruined America because it made it a lot harder for whites from Ireland, England, France, Germany, Italy, etc. to immigrate to the U.S. and made it a lot easier for the Chinese, Indians, Jamaicans, Mexicans, Egyptians, etc. to immigrate to the U.S. What these racists don't GET is that the 1965 Hart-Celler Immigration Act (Thank You Senator Ted Kennedy) greatly increased Diversity in the U.S. which has made OUR Nation stronger and a much more multicultural place to live. Before 1965 Whites of European descent made up 88% of the U.S. population. Now whites only make up 65% of the U.S. population and by 2042 they will only make up 49% of the population. By 2100 Whites of European descent will only make up about 30% of the U.S. population and also by the year 2100 only 3% of the World Population will be White. The 2008 Election is just a turning point in American History though. By the end of this century white Europeans will be out of power in the United States(FINALLY!) and then we can finally end WHITE PRIVILEDGE and can get REAL Affirmative Action, REAL Reparations, REAL Change, and begin to redistribute wealth and property back to those who deserve it. Unfortunately, these Changes won't take place until the White Kids in Strollers and Elementary School today are in their 60's and 70's. The World is Flat. The white racist Republicans just don't seem to get it!

Andy Pandy said...

I just don't seem to get "it" either. Oh well too bad, off to the dumpster to dive for discarded Campy Chorus and Record 10S

Mark said...

Frilly,
Good point about the nutz offered in blue and hot pink...hmmmmmm.

jd said...

sweet!

jd

www.rideskidders.com

Anonymous said...

Madball, bah, killing time (aka raw Deal), agnostic front and cromags were way better.
Bike Snob, you remember the band Leeway? i saw them open for Bad Brains on the i against i tour, pretty fuckin sick.the only good metal/hc/rap band.
bikes are cool.

TirolerAlpenelexier said...

@decora

Ines Brunn won't really impress anybody until she comes clean and puts her training values on the web for all of us to see. Like Ivan "no contempt for my doping attempt" Basso:
http://www.mapeisport.it/

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 1:16am,

I do indeed remember them. Was that at the Ritz?

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

I would vote against Obama just for seeing that atrocious bicycle.

Drew Scott said...

Snob, you've been posted to the Official Rules of the Euro Cyclist group on Facebook.

-May Cipo bless you with his Eurosity

Commiecanuk said...

I can't read that list of Craig ad without thinking of that great film, Kingpin, in a memorable scene in a restaurant in which the comb-overed Bill Murray puffs a cigarette and catches the eye of a woman,
"Hi, howya doin'?"
"not you, ..the other one."

How did he know she was Chinese? Was she speaking Chinese? Cantonese or Mandarin? Was she some kinda Chinese? At least he was savvy enough to not use the term, "Oriental", or "yellow fever".

It would be serendipitous if she posted a similar ad,
"You, following behind, some kind of pasty round-eye who can't do math, ...call me if you figure out how to handle seven numbers".

Anonymous said...

I also wondered how a lecherous , on-the-make guy could possibly expect a response from an "Asian" woman that he immediately subclassifies as "Chinese", and the posts her photo in cyberspace.

Daddo said...

thank goodness for the hart-celler act - our lounging hero might not have ever met his "immigrant" without it

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I don't know why some girls cyclists are handsome because I think their costumes suck, because those costumes show us a lot.

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