Monday, April 28, 2008

Worst of Craigslist: Diaphanous, Intoxicated, Self-Promoting Bike Love

The sitcom of life has not paused once for a commercial over the past few days. Instead, zany madcap scenario after zany madcap scenario has played itself out on our city's streets. And, tragically, all too often a bicycle was involved. Here are just a few that would prick up the ear of Norman Lear:

sidewalk sale on metropolitan, saturday - w4m - 24 (williamsburg) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658887209.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:47PM EDT


i was walking my bike and looked briefly at some fabric you had out on the sidewalk. you yelled out that i should take them now for 25 cents. i said i'd be back and you yelled that again.

you were sitting with a girl and maybe she wasn't your girlfriend? cuz, i think you're cute.


Despite the fact that fixed-gears are ostensibly all about simplicity, people are putting anything they can find onto them. (Except for brakes and derailleurs, of course.) Popular accoutrements include reading material, leather tourniquets, pipe insulation, foam blocks, and of course bits of knotted cloth. (The latter example also sports a tennis ball in the spokes for impromptu tennis games, a saddle/security system with a combined weight of 14lbs, and a stem that looks like a phallus during a routine medical checkup or after a cold swim.)

I like to think that this particular cyclist was browsing fabric sales in search of diaphanous schmatas with which to adorn her bicycle so that it might attain that Stephen Tyler’s Mic Stand/Stevie Nicks look that’s currently in vogue. It’s about time bike fashion went beyond simple top tube pads and bandanas to full-blown haute couture. Who knows? This poster may be a pioneer of Pista Pret-a-Porter.

I lost my keys last night b/c I can't ride my bike when I'm drunk (park slope/prospect heights) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/mis/658131871.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-27, 11:51AM EDT


Please take pity on me: I thought I would ride my bike home last night from the bar, but since I grossly overestimated my biking-while-drunk skills, I paid the price. Not only did I fall over on my bike practically as soon as I got on (meaning I have very painful limbs and joints this morning and will soon have some awesome bruises), I somehow LOST my keys and beloved keychain. Obviously it would be incredibly convenient to get my keys back, but what pains me the most - even more than my knee, which is a lot - is the loss of the keychain I got as a gift years ago. It's a little metal soccer player man, and it says "BEB" on one side and "Brazil" on his hat. If you find it, PLEASE contact me to return it. I will be eternally grateful.

Thanks!!

Firstly, I’d like to state unequivocally for the record that I’m against cycling while intoxicated. If you must ride a bicycle to a bar, make sure it is a tandem and that you’ve got a designated captain who will remain sober for the evening. Obviously this person is lucky to have only lost his keys. That said, I did also find the following posting in the Craigslist “Lost and Found” section and can’t help thinking they’re related:

"Hi. This is a bit embarrassing, but I woke up Sunday morning with some abdominal discomfort after a bout of heavy drinking, and it turns out that somehow a Brazilian novelty soccer keychain must have made its way into my body cavity during the course of the night. (The last thing I remember is chants of “Forza Brazil!” and a lot of metallic jingling.) If for some reason you still want it back, please let me know. I’d also appreciate your reimbursing me for the medical expenses I’ve incurred."

Of course, it’s also possible that they’re the car keys with which bike blogger, Aerospoke enthusiast, and fixed-gear flim-flam victim Michael Green was duped. In any case, it’s an intriguing but potentially disgusting mystery.

You were riding a bicycle - m4w - 20 (Midtown) [original URL: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/mis/654111052.html]
Reply to: [deleted]
Date: 2008-04-24, 12:12AM EDT


So, I saw you riding your bicycle in Central Park up around the 70th or 80th Street Area on the West Side... you had blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell. I don't remember what you were wearing... but I was wearing deep navy blue dress pants, a light blue colored shirt, and a plum colored tie. I was carrying around my black handbag on my left shoulder which says "NYSE" on it. You passed me by on the bike while smiling around 4 PM something... and then looked back at me after you passed. Then, around 5 PM something, after I walked from the middle of Central Park to Central Park South, I saw you pass by me again on the bike path. Again, I recognized you as soon as I saw you, and then I turned my head to see you... you were already about 100 feet off or so, and then you looked back at me, I'm *certain* it was because you had remembered me from before. I'd be absolutely AMAZED if we met again. Perhaps I will go for a walk in the park tomorrow as well and see if I see you again, same place, same time. I've included pictures below so perhaps you will recognize me.


It’s all too rare that a Missed Connections suitor actually includes a picture. Usually they limit their postings to a description like “I was the guy on the sidewalk wearing the shirt and the hat. If you see this hit me up.” In this case, though, we get full disclosure. In fact, the poster barely knows what his dream girl looks like. She had “blonde hair, and bluish eyes from what I could tell,” and he doesn’t even remember what she was wearing. But he sure remembers what he was wearing! He even makes sure to mention the NYSE bag so we know he’s somehow affiliated with the stock exchange. Amir seems to be casting a wide net intended to ensare any fair-haired female cyclist in Central Park looking to date an aspiring young stockbroker or financier. Let’s take a look at his photos:






Ah, the old "hold the camera away from you" self-portrait. An endearing classic.








The "camera-phone-in-the-mirror infinity shot." Mind bending, and an indicator that perhaps the soul of an artist lies beneath the eggplant-colored shirt and conservative exterior.








Wow, a professional headshot! With credits! This may be the world's most expensive Craigslist posting.






Another professional headshot. The first one was for professional networking use, but this one's strictly for the ladies. It's meant to highlight his sex appeal and dashing good looks rather than his business acumen. It's also useful for when Hollywood comes calling. With this shot it's entirely possible that Amir's Craigslist posting budget has officially exceeded the $1,000 mark. That's a lot of money--you can almost buy two well-used Pistas on Craigslist for that kinda scratch! I only hope it pays off for him. I have a feeling this kid is going places.

79 comments:

Anonymous said...

Whatevs.

smartypants said...

PODIUM!

Anonymous said...

did I do it again???

Anonymous said...

yeah, baby I did it!!!

Anonymous said...

$

Anonymous said...

top ten

David Y. said...

WHOA! STRIKE A POSE! i think the record scratched when i read down to "Amir" and the expensive profile. ha ha!!!!!

David Y. said...

sorry wrong link...ooops!

RPG smartypants said...

Notice that Amir's "A" is yellow. That's gotta be like a 3D + 2 upgrade to his "charm" stat.

sd said...

I had my best set up ever going into the last corner, but struck my pedal and it threw off my sprint....

Anonymous said...

I'm so ebarassed, I couldn't find the link to be able to post this comment. RTMs, You really need something to indicate which photo is Amir's last - I kept getting confused and scrolling past the last one thinking the Alpacalapse photo was one more headshot of Amir. I was confused wondering why a NYSE floor runner was so concerned with pie-plates.

Anonymous said...

it's nice to see that the Leather Turniquet bike has a spedometer, presumably so that the rider of that toe-clip-less, breakless bike can monitor his speed and make sure he doesn't end up going too fast for stopping comfort.

Commiecanuk said...

#1 rule of the internet: never, ever post a picture of yourself in any way, shape or form. Especially not with farm animals...whoa, learned THAT the hard way.

AH said...

Amir needs to work on his "Magnum."

Scott said...

Why do people assume that because they own a bike and someone else owns a bike that they have some magical connection? Think about if you tried to apply that formula to cars.

"m4W

I was driving my car the other day and I saw that you also have a car. What a magical bond we share! We should get together and talk about how we own cars. Maybe we could talk about other things we both also own, like keys, a computer, feet, etc. We're obviously made for each other!
"

Jim said...

I used to think this blog was funny, but BSNYC's ability to continually unearth monumental works of narcissistic, bicycle-related stupidity is getting me depressed. I always suspected that there were a lot of insanely dumb bastards in the world, but but having it confirmed day-after-day... man, this is painfully depressing.

Well, that, and knowing that no matter how pretty I am, I'll never be pretty enough, in that wistful sort of way, to date Amir...

Anonymous said...

Amir's "infinity" shot seems to have been taken in a public restroom. Classy.

erik k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erik k said...

err.. snob.. I mean RTMS, I think it may have paid off

Anonymous said...

Erik K....

LOL!!! You always have something great to add. Thanks!

Anonymous said...

Nice work with the Blog-o-Cross, Worse of Craiglist with Worse of FGG.

bikesgonewild said...

...haimar & zubeldia's escape from batguanamo bay...

...box office gold, jerry !!!...

Anonymous said...

"Think about if you tried to apply that formula to cars."

Scott, people do that all the time. They call em Car Clubs.

Scott said...

Anon 1:07,

At least in those clubs there's some sort of devotion to a specific style of car. Plus, they only hit on people in their club. They don't just flag down random people in cars.

Anonymous said...

has anyone seen the snob (rtms) do his "blue steel"? i heard fabio sobbing in the men's room after the snob blasted the room with it last june at millie's cheese barn next that amish furniture place. some wheel-sucking prick with a habit of losing EVERY race (named after a pant for christsakes) rammed his shitty maimdonemayibeexcused through the american chedder display in solidarity for weeping men everywhere. i've never recovered.

Anonymous said...

Erik K,
That shot is pure genius.

Anonymous said...

Snob/RTMS

Your yiddish vocabulary continues to impress. Annie Kopchovsky would be proud. But I suspect something, no shmata would ever be sheer enough to be diaphanous.

Commiecanuk said...

Jim...Apple and Microsoft are collaborating on "iBeauty 1.0" software to capture one's inner beauty for the internet.

Given the players involved, we expect the software to be as reliable and useful as picking up in bars.

Anonymous said...

Your yiddish vocabulary continues to impress. Annie Kopchovsky would be proud. But I suspect something, no shmata would ever be sheer enough to be diaphanous.

Feh.

Anonymous said...

so many hot girls in the library

Cottered Crank said...

I would have thought the NYSE bag would have done it. Maybe Amir had a booger hanging from his nose or something.

bikesgonewild said...

...it's obvious from erik k's captured photo, just who steers the ship & who's gonna be doing all the hard work in that relationship...

...& yes, while it all seems so good & it all seems so romantic, there is a price to be paid for thinking ya got what it takes to pick up high end chicks in the park...

...she just needs help getting her tandem in & out of 'the dakota' for the summer months...by the time the leaves turn, that dude will be standing on the sidewalk w/ tears in his eyes, being asked to "move along, pal, the young lady don't wanna see yer sorry ass no more" by building security...

...tragic, in a way but he shoulda seen it coming...

wishiwasmerckx said...

Erik K, photoshop genius. BTW, did you have anything to do with the Zapruder film?

Jim said...

Jim...Apple and Microsoft are collaborating on "iBeauty 1.0" software to capture one's inner beauty for the internet.

Canuck, there's already a product that lets you see others' inner beauty. It's called "beer." You can get it for about $5 a pitcher, and after you run the program two or three times over the course of an evening, I guarantee you, every girl you look at will look utterly hot. It's flawless except for it totally wipes out your system memory and it's viral, the processor doesn't work right for a couple days afterwards.

There's another program that used to be called "Beer 2.0," a sketchy app that some of the geeks are trying to market as "wine." Instead of showing others' inner beauty, it lets others see your inner jackass. Like an Apple computer, it's pretty functional, possibly a little faster than the competitor, people pay *way* to much for it, and then tell you're they're hot shit because of it.

Of course if you're into Linux you may like Bourbon 1.01. It's *way* faster than beer or wine, let's you see the inner beauty of all others while showing your inner jackass at the same time - yes, true simultaneous processing! And, like a Linux disciple, if you use Bourbon 1.01, people will show you a healthy respect, almost a kind of fear, like they'd show any other marginally sane old school banger sitting alone in the corner talking derisively about "kids nowadays."

Anonymous said...

ProTIP: Sober Captain doesn't always help! My college GF would get 4 people on her tandem (Handlebars, Seats, tiny girl on rack) for bar runs.

Anonymous said...

The leather belt on the no-brakes no-clips fixie? That's for Indiana Jones bullwhip-style braking and cornering. Prolly's crew got nothin on them shits!

Anonymous said...

Jim... I don't think I've ever said this to another man and meant it so much... but I love you...

On another note, this talk of people with bikes and cars getting along just in virtue of the fact that they all ride bikes and cars reminds me of Babycakes's great line about what babies say to each other when they hit it off:

-Hey, I used to live in a lady, too! -Weird!

Anonymous said...

Feh.

Pishkeh.

DZ Fan Smartypants said...

Oy gevalt!

(scroll down!)

Jim said...

Anon 2:46, thanks, I'm kind of fond of me too, so I totally get where you're coming from. But you need to remember the wisdom that Whitney Houston gave us: self love, is the greatest love of all. So go, love yourself.

Just make sure you keep the bathroom door locked when you do. We'd all appreciate that. M'kay?

Anonymous said...

Na, Oy gevalt is too passive. A macher like DZ would say "Schmuck! I'm riding here, I'm riding here!"

(interesting, the Blogger spell checker knows schmuck, but not oy, gevalt or macher.)

Anonymous said...

"i was walking my bike and looked briefly at some fabric you had out on the sidewalk."

your comment seems to assume this is somehow a fixed gear but thats not at all clear from the post. nor is the post especially pretentious like many other missed connections chronicled here.

i'm not sure that the presence of a bicycle in a missed connection warrent attention.

its not

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 4:32pm,

Of course you're absolutely right, but note that I said "I like to think that this particular cyclist was browsing fabric sales..." I'm not immune to flights of fiction and whimsy, nor even to the seductive imagery of a woman walking her fixed-gear through a Moroccan clothing market and draping it with flowing garments.

It beats assuming she was shopping for used underpants, anyway...

--BSNYC/RTMS

Anonymous said...

I know that guy! What a douche.

Anonymous said...

Another Snob identity clue. He has a fixation on used women's underpants.

Anonymous said...

I ate a haute couture at a stand outside my office today. They're delicious.

Botched

smartypants said...

anon 4:20:

My DZ comment was purely based on the fact that "oy gevalt" was the current Yiddish word of the week on his website.

anon 7:02: So that narrows him down to, oh, 90% of the male population? I mean, even all the gay men I know are interested in women's undies

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

When exactly did you become so bitter? It seems as though everything and everyone annoys you in \
some way, shape, or form. I'd really enjoy your blog if you were just the slightest bit more positive, but I suppose that's what the whole snob part calls for. Oh well, who else would every disgruntled messenger and hipster turn to when they need their pretentious/I'm better than everyone except for my tight group of friends fix. You're a fine writer, far better than myself, but can you for just one day not check craigslist looking to make fun of someone? Something tells me you would never say such things to someone's face, and that's something you might want to consider.

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 7:15pm,

I never turned bitter, I was born that way. I'm sorry you don't enjoy the site but I am glad you like the writing though. I appreciate the compliment and the fact you took the time to post. I think if you read between the lines you will find some positivity actually does ooze in here every now and again, but if you want something more overtly life-affirming you might be better off reading other blogs.

Appreciatively,

--BSNYC f/s/o RTMS

Anonymous said...

Smartypants, glad I didn't have to explain the joke to you.
Anon 7:02.

Anonymous said...

smartypants,

No disrespect intended, I saw the quote. Oy just seems so wrong in that situation. DZ must be toning it down for the goyishe kupp.

anon 4:20

smartypants said...

anon 4:20:

No disrespect taken. My knowledge of yiddish is about as deep as BSNYC's appreciation of the hipster fixie crowd. I have no idea if it was appropriate or not!

anon 7:02:

So ah, you want to go back to my place?

leroy said...

Anon 7:02 --

Who doesn't?

Pete said...

NYC isn't the only place with weird craigslist ads. This one is funny on several levels.

http://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/bik/658590748.html

Anonymous said...

Pete, stop that right now.

Andy Pandy said...

Call me dull because I have hit the pavement one too many times head first but I just don’t get it at so many levels. If Amir ( and female contributors please comment) is Soooooooo hot then why does he have to trawl CL. Clearly a bloke with his “attributes” let along NYSE bag would/should have em hanging off his third leg. And why be attracted to a cycle bound female when there are droves of em out there in cute little European cabriolets

Anonymous said...

That Saturday Night Fever/Bollywood haircut must work a treat with 'the ladies' !

george said...

Thank you! This post made my Monday. I dont even ride a bike...but based on this wonderful blog, i think i will run out and buy myself a Huffy. We need Huffy-dex or Magna-dex on this piece! I miss my old redline proline from back in the day!

g

Bikeslob 80220 said...

YOU can own a a pile of...I mean a PIECE of.....American history!

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/660053435.html

history like Three Mile Island, the Bay of Pigs, the 1968 DNC

Cottered Crank said...

Shoot, that's only about $5.50 a pound, bikeslob. Way cheaper than titanium. $125 per pie plate, and they're big'uns! Sure to appreciate, as long as you don't go remodeling, of course.

Philip Williamson said...

"Hey, Guys, I think 'pedalphiles' is a GREAT name for a bike club!"

"D00d! You are SO right! I'm makin' stickers!"

Anonymous said...

Best SS/FG Craigslist post ever:

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html

Boz said...

Is there a diiference between used women's underpants and women's used underpants? Just wonderin'.

Commiecanuk said...

BSNYC,

When exactly did you become so bitter? blah..blah..blah puppies, flowers, the word of the Lord, etc. and so forth...blah. Something tells me you would never say such things to someone's face, and that's something you might want to consider.


It's amazing how many people still don't get the point of anonymous blogs, or the whole internets-thingy.

Let's see some good Christian humor: laughing at homeless people, Canadians and immigrants and executions of the mentally disabled.

I positively want you to f-off.

captain underpants said...

Depends on who used 'em.

OpenYourEyes said...

here

Amir said...

You are all jealous of my beauty and financial success.

smartypants said...

And your smug, confident smile - it somehow maintains an air of playfulness while still portraying your serious, stock-market nature!

smartypants said...

Yes, that's right folks. Smartypants can has blogger account. I'm sure you're all very happy for me.

Jim said...

When exactly did you become so bitter? It seems as though everything and everyone annoys you in \some way, shape, or form

God, he's right BSNYC.

It's like you're some kind of a snob or something.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Anonymous said...

Smartypants, it depends. Is your sister home?
Anon 7:02

Glad I'm not from the Americas said...

commiecanuck... c'mon we all like a good laugh at Canadians. While Americans are all crazy, gun toters, Canadians are holier than thou, seal bashers and shouldn't throw stones.

smartypants said...

glad:

We get it. You're European, and hence cool. Or perhaps Asian, in which case - wait a minute here - YOU'RE AMIR!

The mystery is solved.

Anon 7:02:

Wink wink nudge nudge say no more!

mike said...

I wasn't sure whether this was a bike add or an m4m add. Thought it might be applicable.

FreeWebTrafficOnline.com said...

If you like to use craigslist try theCraigslist Auto Poster Software and Demo this will keep it simple.

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