Friday, October 24, 2008

Bringin' It: Casanovas, Couriers, and Corrections


I'm an interdisciplinary bike racer, and as such I like to perform badly in different areas--kind of like a traveling mime troupe. And one of my favorite areas in which to perform badly is cyclocross. As a participant I certainly bring nothing to the sport, except perhaps cautionary examples. But thanks to the good people at Cyclocross magazine I've been fortunate enough to contribute in other ways because the fourth issue has just come out and I have a few words in it:



These guys have been doing a great job with the magazine, and with the exception of my own small contribution there's a lot of great content here. Also, reading about cyclocross is much easier than doing it (though I do read Cyclocross magazine in a skinsuit while standing in a mudpuddle for the full effect). Best of all, it's way less pretentious than the New Yorker. So check it out.

Speaking of cyclocross, I have been informed that each and every non-UCI entrant in this year's Whitmore's Landscaping Supercross Cup in Southampton, LI on November 22nd and 23rd will receive a free raffle ticket to win a custom Richard Sachs 'cross bike:




At first I took this to mean that every non-UCI registrant would automatically receive a custom Richard Sachs 'cross bike, which impressed even me (not least of all because it would save you the trouble of traveling with a bike), but this is still pretty good. Apparently, "Richard Sachs currently has a seven year backlog for his Signature road frames, and is not currently taking orders from new clients." I guess that's why he hasn't been answering my emails about building me a TIG-welded aluminum dirt jumping frame. Though I suppose it's just as well I can no longer get on Richard Sachs's seven-year wait list, because if this Mogo thing takes off I don't even know if I'll still want a bicycle in seven years. But skipping to the head of the line is a whole other story, and it may even be enough to get me out to Southampton again, despite the fact that it's a bit late in the season to be seen in the Hamptons and in late November I usually weekend in St. Barts.

Moving on, we saw yesterday that the new vehicle of choice for lady-trolling is the recumbent. And a reader informs me that as the sleazy paceline of cycling Casanovas continues to roll, none other than Floyd Landis is taking his turn at the front:

Note the Cone of Smugness just edging itself into the frame as Landis enters yet another woman's digits into his phone thanks to the irresistible draw of his three-wheeled recumbent "chick magnet." (And what woman can resist a 'bent chick magnet?)

But Landis would be well-advised to keep at least one eye on his helmet mirror, because a new generation of velo-playboys is right behind him. Another reader has sent me the following, which is a generous gift to the ladies or an affront to decency, depending upon your own particular sensibilities:


I suggest listening to the proper soundtrack for the full effect:


I also received a gift of my own:

I love you too, Serge Huercio.

But when it comes to excessive and disturbing adulation, nobody receives more than bike messengers. The extent to which certain people romanticize the simple act of riding around a city all day delivering envelopes is truly amazing. Sure, I can see why it has a sort of rogue appeal to people, but once the messenger is elevated to some kind of otherworldly superhero nearly bursting out of his lycra skinsuit (all messengers in New York City wear lycra skinsuits and look like they're dancers for Janet Jackson, of course) some unsettling line has been crossed:




If you've worked either as a messenger or in an office in New York City, you know that messengers do not walk right into people's offices to deliver envelopes. Rather, they leave them in messenger centers or with receptionists. As such, when the messenger in this video walked right into someone's office I feared the door was going to shut and the white-collar worker's "dependence upon the blood and sweat of the bicycle messenger" was going to take a shockingly homoerotic turn. I was also puzzled by the narrator's assertion that messengers "can see up to 15 seconds into the future." This is a bizarre claim. I can only assume he means that they can anticipate traffic and pedestrian patterns, but if so then 15 seconds is an eternity. You'd also think that this clairvoyance would have prevented the male prostitute from getting doored. Then again, maybe I just don't understand messengers--and having just watched that video, I'm not sure I want to. Not that there's anything wrong with that (apart from the illegality of exchanging sex for money). What Pink Thunder Delivery Systems do with their clients behind closed doors is their own business.


This shocking revelation as to the nefarious activities of messengers also sheds new light on this photograph, taken in Washington, D.C. by "Krazygl00:

I can only assume he's a "courier" on his way to a really, really weird bachelorette party.

Meanwhile, our presidential candidates are still using the fixed-gear fad in a transparent attempt to get in touch with the nation's youth. Obama may have "dropped" a second fixed-gear (as we saw yesterday), but nobody's been willing to prove they can actually throw down on the bike. Until now:


This photo from yesterday's comments clearly depicts McCain "killin' it" and proves he does indeed have "mad skillz." It also proves he looks a lot like the Emperor from "Star Wars." Personally, I'd have been even more impressed if he'd pulled this move on the Obama bike. Obama would most assuredly have been "sonned."

Finally, Obama may be about change, but few people have the courage to change a bike that's clearly not suited to its purpose, like this one from the Fixedgeargallery:



That's why I've created the BSNYC Fixed-Gear Korrectorizer to right the frames that man has put asunder:



(BKJimmy)

Sure, it's still somewhat offensive, but at least it doesn't look like it's melting anymore.


Let's see Richard Sachs do that.

89 comments:

Anonymous said...

1st?

Anonymous said...

yes!

Anonymous said...

suck it!

Anonymous said...

4th too!

Anonymous said...

Woot

marcus17 said...

bam

Mark said...

Top Ten, Oh yeah!

Anonymous said...

VdV!

sprider said...

McCain is the Emperor, who'd have guessed.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that bike got repaired! It looked like quite the fun position to ride in!

Anonymous said...

"McCain is the Emperor, who'd have guessed."

DRTH JOHN

Anonymous said...

Anon1st!

wishiwasmerckx said...

Snob, sorry to burst your ego balloon, but I clicked on the Cyclocross Mag link, then typed "bikesnob" in the search engine. It came back with "0 results found."

murphini said...

anon:
you're like the Cat 4B sandbaggers I've been racing against this season in Cyclocross races...taking all the podium spots because they can. Then taking podium in the 3/4's and open divisions.

If you're gonna hog the blog, you may as well promote something like this.

Commiecanuk said...

I'd really like to see the 7-year list of twats waiting to buy a bike from Richard Sachs. Paris Hilton and Robin Williams must be on that list.

Richard "they aren't buying the bike, they're buying me" Sachs...you buy his frame, and he hangs around your house for three years until you can get a restraining order out. That's why it takes so long to get on his list. Meanwhile, back at the shop, he's smoking dope and repainting old Huffys. In 2008 terms, "re-marketing in a green eco-conscious way"

I gave him a call, as this is one list I just must be on. His phone machine taped message (tape is real):
"Hi, you've reached Richard Sachs Bicycles, I'm out creating a visionary expression in steel right now, so at the tone, fuck off."

Good to see Floyd back on the bike, and everyone knows recumbents make better MILF catchers than road bikes. With the beard, he's halfway there, surely the brown socks and Birckenstocks cannot be far behind.

Awesome*Jeff said...

The guy on the Pennyfarthing appears to be none other than one Joff Summerfield, who is nearing the end of a round-the-world tour on that bike.
http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/?o=3Tzut&doc_id=1451&v=1MS

wishiwasmerckx said...

What's more, the estate of Salvador Dali is threatening to sue you for straightening out his iconic "aende" photograph.

plum said...

fack! top20. damn you google reader.

kale said...

Floyd Landis-

Dale Earnhardt Jr. called, he says he wants his "relaxed-fit" jeans back.

streepo said...

Is that the same Richard Sachs I sold my old huffy to last week?

FigBug said...

Best thing about cyclocross is the busted carbon: http://bustedcarbon.blogspot.com/2008/10/its-cyclocross-season.html

cooper said...

fags

Anonymous said...

murphini @1:45
If you saw me, you would know I wasn't sandbagging. The CX race crossed the San Andreas fault. I was the fat guy that got dropped first. Fortunately, the fault opened and swallowed the pack. It was all dumb luck.

murphini said...

anon:
whoops..... I meant like that!

San Andreas fault/sandbagging:
...what did you bounce up like the abominable snowman whilst the rest of the racers ended up on in the chasm?

Commiecanuk said...

"Imperfection is perfection" Brilliant!
Stupid precision manufacturing, strength and quality is so tacky.
His website pics look like scenes from Macgyver, in today's episode, Richard completes frame #144 on the list using a paperclip and a zip lighter.

The real story is that Sachs was on vacation in 1983 where he slipped into a glacial lake and froze. He was thawed out in 2005, but his friends did not want to break the news to him, so he continues to make 2Kg ultralite frames wearing wayfarers while listening to Huey Lewis. The list is just to keep him in the shop and away from modern society, to prevent the shock. The list is populated with names like, "#28-D. Duck, #29 I.P. Freely, #34, Heywood Jablomie, Etc. This is the only explanation I can have for quotes like:

"This film is really not about bicycles at all. This is an era in which framebuilding is once again a valid career path. Folks all over the globe are embracing message boards, Flickr sites, and specialty shows in an effort to further the flow of information. In making the dvd, we thought that folks could get a unique perspective — mine — and possibly use some of it as a catalyst with which to stake their own claim in this market. It's not about the bike; it's about the bike maker."

"The customer receives something with an aura I can't quite explain."

(uh, Rich, that's the smell of bullshit)

jack meoff said...

Commie, is that Sach's waiting list or ACORN's voter registration list?

Lord Batu said...

Someone beat me to the fact that the penny farthing rider is on a around the world journey. Saw him on none other than Gwadzilla's blog months ago...

ben dover said...

Commie, I have known Heywood Jablomie for a long time, and for what it's worth, he is a stand-up guy.

wishiwerepithy said...

SALV DALI BIKE

hehe.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there's some blistering irony that I'm not picking up on, but the contention that messengers don't enter directly into offices is wrong. When I was a lowly messenger in the 80s funding a high-school herb habit (Fuji 10speed with pie plate) -- our company's clients were mostly architects -- lots of cardboard tubes dropped directly into hands of receptionists at tiny three-architect firms. Now that everything's on CAD I guess that doesn't happen anymore. And now that I think about it we did a lot of video and film too -- again, an outmoded medium. What the fuck do messenger's deliver now, sandwiches? Maybe that point is that the contention that there are actual working messengers, is a myth.

thanks devry! said...

Frame building is a valid career path, and now, thanks to DeVry, I can complete my frame building degree in as little as 6 months, rack up a shitload of debt and make my mom proud.

El Duke said...

Snobby,
I've had this one for awhile, now it's time to share:

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3269/2844841590_c40ae9e042.jpg

See how well prepared this rider is? They are well equipped for their Target shopping trip with simple carbs (candy taped to handlebars) and plenty of lube/release agent for stuck parts (WD-40) bottle.

Cheers!
El Duke

Commiecanuk said...

Ben, you're #22 on the list, look for it in late 2011.

frilly said...

Thank you, snobby, and its not even my birthday. Its perfect.

Mark-Last night while running, I think I figured out the reason for hot pink bike nutz. Yes, it bothered me that much. I believe they are for jilted ex-girlfriends to mutilate & put on display. Sorta like red coloring on reptiles, etc., you know the universal signal for "Don't f**k with me."

Did I mention it was a long run?

Ronsonic said...

That funny bike converted to a, uh, funny bike is just pitiable.

Damn the UCI for banning those crazy, glorious machines of the past. And double damn the tards who make near useless city bikes out of them.

bikesgonewild said...

...re:- richard sachs...

...the bikes = beauty...

...the pretension = astounding...

yonk said...

I didn't know bike messengers were animated and mute.

The more you know.

Gnarles Darwin said...

I also didn't know that "Joe the Bi-Cycle Messenger" was a Cartoon. That would freak me out if I had to share an elevator with him.

Maybe.

Anonymous said...

that guy on a pennyfarthing is joff summerfield (the pith helmet gives it away) and he's touring around the world on that thing. or at least trying to. he's got a pretty interesting blog on crazyguyonabike.com

here's a link

http://www.crazyguyonabike.com/doc/?o=3Tzut&doc_id=1451&v=1MS&term=pennyfarthing&context=all

-jw

I can't read said...

Say, does anyone here know who that guy on the pennyfarthing bike is?

Somebody? Anybody?

bikesgonewild said...

...if mccain rode that fixxy in a thong, would obama be both 'sonned' & 'mooned' ???...

...i'm sure the answer is in the starz...

...& speaking of which::: don't ol' floyd look all kicked back reading lance's text message "so i'm comin' back, mofo, what up wit chew ???" ???...

Anonymous said...

http://orangecounty.craigslist.org/bik/891317899.html

Daddo said...

hey man!
I'm not finished with that yet!

(actually, by the look of things I'm not even started with it)

i started that on the notion i could do something about the insantiy that my local comfy chair has turned into - actually it was going to be a place where i documented my run-ins with not only the idiots who sit in my chair, but the oblivious and uncaring authorities' reaction to said squaters.

instead, i set a car or two on fire and threatened the police seargent with a his own gun and the lane has been squeaky clean ever since

sorry for the empty blog...i can't help it if i have a life!

jhota said...

Mogo is a Green Lantern.

from the FAQ:

Who invented the mogo?
The mogo was the invention of a groovy group of folks...

do they mean the Guardians?

Mogo is a dumb name for a product, sure. but at least the original had the good taste to be a comic book character.

sheesh.

Anonymous said...

I adore disturbing adulation.
Where can i gets Korrectorizer.
Doin it in the Delaware Dirt.

bloodline said...

sachs, drugs and rock and roll

GGehrke said...

"The guy on the Pennyfarthing appears to be none other than one Joff Summerfield, who is nearing the end of a round-the-world tour on that bike."

Wow. I was about to comment that I saw that guy out in California last spring, so he must be doing a cross-country ride... but around the world... damn.

Anonymous said...

you think those guys are bad? have a look around here:

http://www.bikerfox.com

leroy said...

BGW --

Given the age discrepancies between the two Presidential candidates, the answer to your question is:

He'd be Sonned Younged Mooned.

Makes perfect sense seeing as how the Rev. Moon runs The Washington Times.

Admiral Crunch said...

Snob,
I think the actual proper soundtrack to the first two boudoir photos is this.

kale said...

anon 3:52-

Fuck you I'll never get my head right again after that! Good thing it's almost 4:20.

Jim said...

Best of all, it's way less pretentious than the New Yorker

Wow. You can't say that about many publications. That's high praise right there.

Oh, wait a minute. You said *less* pretentious, didn't you...

bikesgonewild said...

...thank you, leroy...

...i'm about to head out into the big ugly world for the day but i leave w/ a beaming smile...

...good stuff...

Anonymous said...

Snob, here I was taking a quick Friday afternoon perusal of your (usually) fine web-log (or as I like to say for short "'blog") and I am now going to be haunted with images of that seductive male roadie and his (probably roofied) glass of red wine. Those hotel bedpreads are virtual culture plates of STDs and semen. blechhh...

Bion said...

That would not be the ironic orange julius with le' snobby aboard know would it

Anonymous said...

http://sf.funcheap.com/2008/10/23/mission-path-race-alleycross-unsanctioned-bike-obstacle-race-dolores-park/
the best of both worlds?

Peter said...

McCain's got nothing on Obama.

http://www.epiccentre.com/doky/obamawheelie.jpg

c_c_rider said...

snob, don't you know that pith helmets are the bandanas of the fixed wheel world?

All you haters can suck my sach said...

Thomas Stevens had to carry far less than that Joff Sommerfield, but alas the world has changed and the traveler is less accommodated.
And it is an excellent way to see the world. My best wishes to Joff!

Richard Sachs may come off as pretentious, but considering how much of his time and experience is shared with other framebuilders and just plain interested people, I don't buy it.

He's also still competing as an athlete and managing a racing team. If he still has customers waiting... well, he's doing something right.

So... pretentious or not, he's been contributing to cycling in many ways for many years.

If it is not the product, then the marketing is exceptional. As for my limited experience with him and first-hand accounts, he isn't pretentious. Maybe some of his customers are, I don't know.

For an owner-operated business and considering his frames cost less than a lot of other high-end bikes, I don't have any difficulty with his goods for sale.

Too bad he doesn't make the kind of bike I want.

Vive Serge!

Anonymous said...

This week's posts included sexiness, bike tricks, and brightly colored bikes. All reminiscent of 1986 and the kevin bacon movie that changed my (and probably prolly's )life . . . Quicksilver

The artist bicycle dance in that movie caused blood to flow to parts of my body that I didn't know I had.

Jim said...

A pennyfarthing?

I'm with you. Watching Richard throw down in the Elite Masters at Granogue the other week was a revelation. The bikes were lovely, his team was fast in all classes, and he seems like a well respected guy based on how people were interacting with him after his race. If he's making a good living selling crazy nice bikes to people willing to wait the best part of a decade for one, more power to him. It's kind of the opposite of you see elsewhere - he's pretty honest about the fact he's selling artisanal bikes at a premium price, unlike the guys selling a lot of the rolling dogfood you see on Craigslist...

Jim said...

Holy crap. Did I just post something that wasn't a snide comment, satire, sarcasm, or just plain dick-ery? Must be gettin' old.

Points Leader (DCITTWCS) said...

The 'defuckerizer' bothers me: I'd contend that it didn't start fucked, but began its photoshop surgery with straight tubes. My evidence is only that there are cable stops on the top tube; and that if this bike was designed by a right-minded individual (paint job casts doubt), the brake cable would be well clear of the top tube. In fact, there are geared-bike artifacts all over the place (f der hanger, r der hanger, etc). Snob, this is an exemplary piece of photofuckery, but your work is polished to the point where these oversights cheapen what could be quite puzzling.

A-

Of course, if we're living in a computer-realized simulation, this bike has more than likely manifested; and perhaps if we can find it, the 'way out' will be located.

red neckerson said...

i dont know this richard sachs feller but from what im reading here if i ever met him id beat the shit out of him.

i just figured out if you tattood womething on your dick you could have the short and the long version of it depending on what kind of mood yor in.

like: FUCK YALL
and then theres: FUCK YALL TOOO

red neckerson said...

and i swear if i ever meet that commie heidi boy foriner funny bike rider feller that i will personally cut his balls off with my field dressing knife.

dmitri fofonov said...

With upcoming trip to Siberia to raise awareness of medications for treatment of muscle cramping, I am not to have easy Internets access. Good to read this post for reassurement that nothing will be missed during my exile, or rather to be saying my self awareness journey. In motherland is much the same thing.

bikesgonewild said...

...red neckerson...ya know, i took me an 'english history' class & i met this very bookish but beautiful librarian...she inspired me to get a little tattoo myself...

...mine reads - ANTIESTABLISHMENT...

...when my little library momma shows up it reads...

...ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM...

...hey, been good talkin' w/ ya...gotta go cuz we got a little readin' ta catch up on...

Anonymous said...

unlike any number of hi-end 'overpriced' frame builders, Sachs is the only person to work on his frames. His marketing strategy has worked well - he has enough work to get him through what will be the Mother of all recessions.

Anonymous said...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/bik/892431133.html

steal of the century.

Evan said...

anon 2:32
messengers still carry lots of architectural and engineering drawings. film & video too (it's dv tapes these days i guess). also: print stuff, advertising stuff, legal stuff, medical stuff, stupid gift bags, some asshole's drycleaning. and it's still a shitty, dangerous manual labor job. the contemporary romanticization of it is stupid and annoying, but nothing new, remember seeing the x-men on mtv in the early 90s with their hockey pads?

Ricklsd said...

red lantern!

bikesgonewild said...

...ricklsd...

...you don't really believe that, do you ???...

bikesgonewild said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
pdx said...

screw that dude on the duel blue aerospokes. like what you did to him....that's what he gets for pissing in photobooths at friends bars.

A++++++++

Cory said...

Does anybody else think that's snob on the cover of the mag with the ironic OJ??

toxonix said...

All couriers are dreadlocked black guys with cleats and skinsuits who zip through pedestrians like space particles and take it up the ass from taxi drivers and the white collared. What a bunch of bullshit munching.

The idea of a pursuit bike with a $3000 aero wheelset and cut-off MTB risers is asinine. There's no need for that.

Kyle Sennish said...

Bike Snob,

So I just got back from spending 5 days around the lower east side for the CMJ marathon. Now, I have always been a fan of fixed gear bikes. And I also like pretentious music (I run my college's radio station). I always thought your insults on FGF's were funny, but I couldn't truly appreciate them until I saw it for myself.

I now truly understand. Between seeing the same bike about 70 times (fixie conversion with deep V's and chain colored to match, don't forget the straight bar), and having a guy wearing a cycling cap skid stop right in front of me for no other purpose than I think to look cool in front of me, of which i laughed at him right in front of him, I completely understand your feelings.

I can truly appreciate your entries on these subjects so much more now.

Anonymous said...

http://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/bik/894079883.html

Cadel said...

Podium ...Arhhh dang missed it and the cut off point. Need an excuse.. okay the TTT disadvantaged me in yesterday's Stage and I suffered with cramps of the sphincter for most of it until the team doctor rubbed it better with magic potion

Adrian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Adrian said...

In case you didn't know...

You got a mention in Bicycling Magazine (Dec 08) on page 59.

Anonymous said...

Woah, looks like someone jumped off the Fixie jalopie and onto the moped bandwagon

http://sfbay.craigslist.org/pen/bik/894678502.html

Martin Van Nostrand said...

Anonymous said...

His marketing strategy has worked well - he has enough work to get him through what will be the Mother of all recessions.


We'll see how long that list remains over the next year, a Sachs bike is the exact toy of over-leveraged finance types.

Anonymous said...

red lantern

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