Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Fixedgeargallery...of TTMBLs.

Dear Readers,

We’ve had a lot of laughs here. Yes, it’s been controversial at times. Sure, there have been arguments. However, I think in the end we’ve all been able to come together in the spirit of mirth beneath the giant technicolor Parapluie d’Amour that is the cycling community.

But today we need to get serious.

For the last however long it’s been I’ve dedicated a small sliver of my life to pointing out bike-related foibles and transgressions, and I like to think I’ve made a little bit of a difference. But as hard as I try and as vigilant as I am, I just can’t change the world. In December, I happily reported that only 3.3% (or four in 120) of the most recent Fixedgeargallery submissions were sporting top tube pads. Unfortunately, as of today, that percentage has increased to 5.8% (or seven in 120). And one of them was even soaked in blood:




Personally, I consider any top tube pad an affront to decency. And I find a sanguineous one especially offensive, regardless of whether the blood was the result of a crash, the manifestation of Fixed-gear Apocalypse-related stigmata, or even the aftermath of the rare but documented phenomenon of man-struation. So I find myself coming to grips with the fact that, despite my best efforts, instances of top-tube pads seem to be increasing. And this would appear to mean that, while a man-pon can stanch the man-strual flow, I cannot stem the top-tube pad tide.

Am I discouraged? Yes. Will I be thwarted? No. Will I acquiesce? I don’t even know what acquiescence is—literally! (Sounds liquidy.) Instead, I will turn my attention towards a more insidious and disturbing trend that has manifested itself in recent weeks: Top Tube-Mounted Brake Levers. (Or TTMBLs.)

TTMBLs belong right up there with WMDs, PCBs, STDs, SBDs, and OPPs on the list of acronyms to be avoided at all costs. Certainly we’ve seen them before, but their appearance was sporadic and seemingly random. Now though it appears they may be coalescing into a bona-fide trend.

In the same 120-bike sample that yielded a TTP index of 5.8%, I counted two TTMBLs:


(TTMBL #1)



(TTMBL #2)

Interestingly, it would appear that owners of Schwinns are most at risk of developing TTMBLs.

If I were a doctor, and this were a fixed-gear colonoscopy, then I just found two growths. I’ve also just tested them, and by God, they’re malignant! So what must we do, you ask? The answer is simple. We must do as the doctor would do: nip them in the butt.

(Forgive me for being graphic, but I told you this was serious.)

Of course, the real question is how do we excise them? Well, as we all know, legislation won’t do it. Look at drugs, or at teen smoking and drinking. When you tell someone they can’t have something they just want it more. Fear and guilt won’t work either. After all, Catholics still masturbate—they’re just really furtive about it. No, the only thing that will work is peer ridicule. The person with the TTMBL must be made to feel like a freak and an outcast. Only when they understand the sheer stupidity of their brake lever placement will these riders relocate them to the handlebars on which they belong. They need to know that there are much better and more enjoyable reasons to reach between your legs. (Just ask any Catholic.)

It's incredibly important that we remain positive in the face of a potential epidemic. As one porn star says to another right before the big threesome scene, "Together we'll lick this thing!"

--BSNYC

106 comments:

agentdetroit said...

first!

Anonymous said...

podium. word.

Anonymous said...

did I podium???

Anonymous said...

damn! I did!!!

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

Points! Yeeha!

Anonymous said...

****flips over bars into gutter at the sprint finish****

now I'll go back and read the post

Anonymous said...

i love catholics

top ten

Anonymous said...

lame. read the post and then cheer for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Off topic but; I believe this signifies the absolute death of the fixed gear trend;

http://fujibikes.com/2008/bikes.asp?id=419#

paul halupka said...

hell yeah

donut said...

so he leaves his blood on the bike? dear god, he must be hardcore! his top tube pad is not there for safety - it's there for him to bleed on it!

Gaahl said...

Fisting!

Anonymous said...

5.8%????

Sweet! You can't even get that kind of return on CD's these days.

Also, what's with agentdetroit taking the glory? Top posting just for the name recognition and brand name dispersal?

In the future, be advised that it's more dignified and commendable for 'anonymous' to get the top post.

paul halupka said...

top ten AND i read this beast.

derailleurs ftw

Anonymous said...

Could you make fun of Michael Ball some more. That was funny.

Anonymous said...

isn't the phrase actually "nip it in the BUD"?

BikeSnobNYC said...

Anonymous 12:12pm,

Yes it is.

--BSNYC

leviathan said...

I saw someone from Portland with a top tube mounted brake lever on Saturday. When I asked about it the response was that the law in Portland requires that if you ride a fixed gear, you have a brake mounted somewhere on your frame no matter how useless. It seemed kind of like a "Damn the man! Fuck you dad! Make me put a brake on my bike and I'll put it somewhere I can't even use it!" type thing. It seemed kind of silly. Who am I to judge though? I don't have brakes on my track bike.

Anonymous said...

dude BSNYC your a pervert. you can't excuse yourself this time because you always link up some titties are pay homage tot he Vag...i guess i am frustrated because i'm an ass man (I LOVE ASS) and you are not providing us with the potent mix of ass and bike related humor the same way you are giving it to the knocker lovers.

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:03 -
You must be new here. Uh ... douchebag!

Gaahl said...

This begs the question "Would the seller have wiped out and had his face smashed in had he been riding on a proper bike with, you know, brakes?"

FunkyLaneO said...

Anon 12:12 said:

"isn't the phrase actually "nip it in the BUD"?"

he was referring to a colonoscopy, it was a pun, a play on words..... get it?.... no, well forget it then, maybe you would enjoy a less witty blog.

Anonymous said...

geez, Snob, ya can't win with some people...you give 'em tits, they want ass.

Vegas Kid said...

Snob,
For their "fixed gear colonoscopy," I hope that you will refer them to the Endoscopy Center of Las Vegas, where a whopping 40,000 patients were exposed to AIDS and Hepatitis by reusing disposable medical supplies, reusing the cleaning solution, etc. They even scrimped on the lube to save money. Ah, American business ingenuity, with a distinctly Las Vegas twist.

Anonymous said...

gaahl: No it doesn't because a) he isn't selling it b) it has a brake.

Fritz said...

Oh dear Lordy I don't even want to picture this: "man-pon can stanch the man-strual flow"

Jim said...

The problem is that your disapproval only makes dumb things more popular. You bitch once or twice last fall about oddly mounted brake levers, now these things are popping up.

If you really want to get rid of the damn things for good, you need to talk about how they are really stupid, especially if the brake lever is sharpened and mounted so it points up and back.

Initially, they'll become super-popular. They'll be popping up on FGG like weeds on the lawn under the trunk engine hanging from a maple tree in front of a single wide. They'll be more common than Britney Spears.

In the long run, the problem will fix itself by clearing the mental deficients who run them right out of the gene pool. .

On the downside, the high-pitched screaming from impromptu castratto fixed gear freestylers will break most of the glass in Brooklyn. On the upside, now *everybody* will be able to afford a little sack of balls to hang off the back of their Ricer, and they'll look damn good in the glow of neon license plate lights...

Anonymous said...

Pads are for pissy-pants sissies.
Brakes are for people who break their chains readily (powerful brutes) and don't want to leave toxic tire dust for others to breathe.

http://www.straightdope.com/columns/060707.html

Now as for bar tape, I don't mind it much at all, I actually favor it although pine pitch works okay on handlebars for grip and spares the cork trees their bark and Mama Earth her hydrocarbons.
Personally I don't care much for dog erection style bar taping.

Organic cotton bar tape is unavailable as far as I know. Please inform me if you know where I can find it.

I prefer sea sponge with hemp fabric for my top tube pads. Natural and absorbent and protective! I never said I wasn't a pissy-pants sissy.

erik k said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
erik k said...

anon 12:08 I think the fixed gear rig of death may look something like this

Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I wonder how many SPMBL's there are? Seat Pin (post) Mounted Brake Lever. They'll soon be all the rage.

agentdetroit said...

now that i've caught my breath, let me explain the hideous appearance of my bike. it is a rescued bike. kind of like a rescued dog, you never know when it will turn on you and rip your esophagus out. in previous incarnations, it had been dressed in black cork tape with no top tube pad. after an ill-advised dismount attempt in which a wing nut caught my leg, the tape was shredded. the only cork tape i could afford (free) was the cinelli "christmas" tape. the tumble also made me very aware of the unused cable tunnels' similarity to a three-hole scrotal cheese grater. to combat this, i chose a bmx pad to cover the offending hazards. i also chose not to file, grind, saw, etc. the frame because when the fga comes down, i want to be able to put some gears on to get out of town undercover. i now realize that my later accident was caused by my bike reacting to the stomach turning outfit to which it was subjected. i am currently assembling a more appropriate component group, although it will stay fixed, for now. all this rhetoric and the placement of my bike in a bsnyc post is just a distraction from my mission of exposing snob's true identity as a sinister marketing executive. i'll start my own blog now...

mr. poopers said...

are drugs bad? awww skeet skeet skeet

Ka_Jun said...

Name dropping Naughty By Nature...man...

Karl Rover said...

Wow Snob, you wove a lot themes into today's post. Guilt, masturbation, catholics, WMDs and even porn! I think this whole bike-sex thing has taken over your brain. Maybe its the nice Spring weather?

leroy said...

Dear Anon 12:12 --

Re: Your inquiry concerning "Nip it in the Butt"

Ordinarily, I would not presume to second guess BSNYC or add to an eloquent exegesis of the kind espoused by Mr. Funkylaneo.

Nonetheless, I must report that on past rides, I have consulted with a poodle, two schnauzers and a dyspeptic rottweiler.

All confirmed that "nip it in the butt" was an acceptable alternative to "nip it in the bud."

I have the butt to prove it. Modesty prevents me from posting photos or particulars.

The rotweiller also inquired as to what the fuck I thought I was looking at.

With kind regards, I trust this canine etymological survey allays your concerns.

Yours etc.

leroy

Anonymous said...

leroy,

you got nipped in the butt by a poodle?

maybe it's time to consider a tallbike

Anonymous said...

"nip this in the butt"? how about nipping them in the bud?

Anonymous said...

Anon 12:40, how about Amish tape ?

http://www.shakerworkshops.com/catalog/shaker_chair_tape.php/tape

mr.complaint said...

It may be hemorrhoids.

Scarlet letters would be much more tolerable than TTPs. But they have Puritan roots. Very American though.

bikesgonewild said...

...sheesh, leroy...that's an awfully eloquent manner of revealing that yer slow enough on the bike to get caught time & time again by our little 'woofy' friends...
...just sayin'...

Franklin Pierce said...

"Together we'll lick this thing." -- Funny in 1993.

TTMBL -- Self correcting.

Erik said...

“Fixed-gear Apocalypse-related stigmata”

does this manifest itself as cat 5 tattoo that suddenly appears, weeping triflow even when you’re nowhere near a bike?

Daniel! said...

"Together we'll lick this thing." -- Funny in 1993.

Are you attributing this quote to a specific porn star named Funny?

Anonymous said...

Future writing material:

http://www.light-bikes.com/BikeGallery/

Anonymous said...

Taint Movin’

Anonymous said...

erik k :

the fixed gear Rig of Death would look MUCH like that only the TTMBL would not actually be connected to a brake.

A fixed gear freestyler wants their bike to look as clean as possible, so no actual brake to sully up the perfect circle of their deep v (or aerospoke) rims, but stylish, so if levers are the new thing, then a lever they will have....
Not to mention they like them to be dangerous looking like a shark or hairless cat so later they can brag about how much surgery they required when they wiped out on their brakeless bike.

nikolaus901 said...

Je crois que le mot s'écrit "parapluie." Pas de "t," si je ne me trompe pas.

Anonymous said...

Thorough research and a fantastic finish. Like a vintage burgundy, BSNYC really slides down easy. Somebody help him lick this thing.

Anonymous said...

I would like you all to look at the pedals on the Bloody Bianchi.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC - Thank you for the Opinionated Cyclist link yesterday. I will now develop great patience for struggling through headwinds through psychological training.

Anon. 1:18 - Thank you for the shaker tape link.
With some sort of adhesive, shellac, and whip-stitched ends, I might make that work.
I might... but I'm really lazy.

I like the striped stuff... better than the Benotto striped tape.

BikeSnobNYC said...

nikolaus901,

If you're saying what I think you're saying, then thanks, I corrected it.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

mmm top tube pad thai

Anonymous said...

anonymous 1:51

I looked. Thanks for pointing it out.
You don't need clips and straps when you run a front brake and wing nuts. You become more one-with-the-bike that way, at least part of the time.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous 1:39
Top-tube pad as brake lever.
You, Sir... are a genius!

Stitch that cable end onto the pad (maybe with a pad-stiffener, or affixed cable-housing), and
run a cable through a cable housing stop on the top tube, and it's a sliding brake lever.

Make sure to pump the brakes in wet weather.
You'll look so cool!

leroy said...

Anon 1:16 and BGW --

That poodle was fast. And tricky.

As for the schnauzers, there were two of them. I was on the ground. It was awful.

I still can't talk about it.

I'm getting farklempt.

Anonymous said...

BSNYC,

The blood and top tube pad aren't the most disturbing aspects of the Bianchi. What's the deal with the mutant banyan tree-like spokes?

Great post!

brett said...

Hey, maybe the owner of the bike had some brake cable housing he was trying to use up and there wasn't enough to put the brake lever on the bars without restricting the bar's range of motion. Also, how's a poor fixed gear freestyler supposed to do all those wheely-spinny things if he's got brake cables preventing his front wheel from spinning all the way around? Ever think of that?

OpenYourEyes said...

And I quote: "Dave, drop a load on 'em" will be forever burned into my consciousness thanks to your abbreviations from Hades.

OpenYourEyes said...

Nor will I be able to forget about the "Army of Hominy" or whatever the hell awaits us from the lyrical genius with the posse sporting the 'pube stash.

Jim said...

Anon 2:13 - WTF are they doing to that poor bar tape? It looks like they are trying to suffocate it. Or maybe that's the bar tape version of an S&M getup...

quaffimodo said...

Together we'll lick this thing? Sorry, 'taint gonna happen.

Anonymous said...

GYRO

BeastGP said...

Yeah - the spokes are just plain freaky. I and my four Bianchis are weeping...

agentdetroit said...

anon 2:37

the "deal" with the spokes is that they were free. being the cheapskate that i am, i didn't want to pay for a set of wheels for a bike rescued from the landfill. i used my old saturne rims i bought in the early 80s, garbage-picked hubs, and found what i thought were the correct length s.s. spokes at back alley bikes(.org). while attempting to tension the wheels, i realized they were tight, but not tight enough. the solution (literally) came to me in a dream. as for the pedals, again, free. they started out with clips and straps, but i broke one at the start of an alleycat race (which i won, btw). anyone want to donate some campy clips size large?

bikeslob 80220 said...

Top tube brake levers? That's so 2006. All the cool kids are putting them on the left chainstay these days.

M. Weed said...

Actually, now all the cool kids are into riding singlespeeds (freewheels) with no brakes, and reaching one leg around back and dragging their shoe on the back tire to slow down. I've seen this multiple times.

mamsterla said...

I have had to deal with the man-strual flow. Too much time on the bike and too much time sitting at work and you can get the 'roids. TMI. I know.

Commiecanuk said...

Nip this in the butt? Has snobbie sold out to porn like everyone else on the internets for cheap ratings? That phrase offends asian-americans and gay men. "in" offends the inuit.

Peer Ridicule Therapy (PRT), is an effective, herbal alternative for today's busy executive lifestyle. It's covered by most health insurance plans, even those held by bike messengers. Side effects may include dryness of mouth, nausea and in rare cases, spontaneous black eyes.

See your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours. Fly to Vegas if they last more than 8 hours.

pvb said...

Wait a second, these TTMBLs could come in super handy for CX if you could rig up some sort of inline system. Some people reverse their brakes (front on right, rear on left) so that they can come in hot to a barrier with their right hand on the toptube while braking the rear with their left hand on the hood (you follow?). So the inline TTMBL (ITTMBL), you could run your brakes regular, but still come smoking into a dismount with your hand on the top tube. But it would look retarded, so forget it.

Sycophantic Backstabber said...

to Leviathan,

I would think that the proper way of stickin' it to the man would be to attach the lever on the fork.

And unlike the latest fashion so adroitly pointed out by bikeslob 80220, you save tons of weight on a shorter cable and can perform all sorts of neato tricks! Can you say winwinsitch?

BikeSnobNYC said...

pvb,

I would not want to shoulder a bike with a TTMBL.

--BSNYC

Anonymous said...

Acquiescence? Sure, it's when you reach down and pump and pump and pump that TTMBL and your bike finally comes... to a stop.

I swear these TTMBL's look like advertising for guys who like to diddle themselves.

mr. poopers said...

the night time is the right time...

I never said...

Picky picky, picky. Have you ever seen a bike with both a top tube pad and a top tube break lever? No, nor have I. If you give a bike penicillin and do not finish the course it will pick up an antibiotic resistant aberration. To stop the craze you must force the rider onto the ground and stuff amoxycillin down their gagging throat, every day for 40 days.

Help stamp out self respect resistant cycles.

I never said...

bikeslob 80220 said...

Here's another brake fashion statement from today's Denver Shitlist: a shifter converted into a brake lever:


http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/619745403.html

The scary thing is - it's on a single speed. This guy has advertised shifter brake conversions before so I ran a search on his fixie conversions:

http://denver.craigslist.org/bik/582085027.html

You can be the proud owner of a shifter converted into a brake lever for only $75 apparently.

Blake said...

Agentdetroit has attained some weird bikesnobnyc version of nirvana... his blood-soaked bike is the subject of the very same post in which he finally podiums... you get the set of steak knives.

yogi said...

no way, someone who is in love with their bike (a bike courier/messenger)will on any occasion use a top tube pad to protect their hard earned stickers or even their paint job. TTP's are gonna stay for a while. I recomend a 'Skin grows back' one... if you can get one.
Only peeps who lock their bikes to poles know what I mean, it stops bangs , clangs and scratches and lets you be a little more drunk as you lock your bike with the knowledge that you can lean recklessly or with haste, your bike, on a grubby metal pole. As for the blood.. Ewwwwww.

agentdetroit said...

blake

if you mean by finally two firsts in 20 days, then yes, i finally made it. if you'll check the record, it's obvious i've been on the podium many times, and, apparently, have no life.

Andy Pandy said...

TTMBL’s are a direct response to mutation of the FG species, most likely from abnormally high alcohol concentrations. Eventually they will be seen all over the carcass and culminate in a painful but necessary eradication of the species. Phew

sumadis said...

yo - agent detroit, maybe, just maybe the fact that yer runnin flat pedals with NO STRAPS on a FIXED GEAR bike might be contributing to your newly minted grill and OTB expertise. just sayin. flat pedals on fix gear trumps toptube pad stupidity AND TTMBL's everytime.

Anonymous said...

Hey, did somebody lose some teeth?...

K-zoo said...

Great... No every @$$clown under the sun is going to relocate his/her brake lever to the TT in hopes of getting their bike on your site.

I think that most of the people were just baiting you anyway.

Anonymous said...

I'm catholic. And I've just beat my personal best!

Anonymous said...

Hey ASS MAN!

If you're feeling left out you need to listen to the OPP video more closely. He sure paints a vivid picture here!

(And to avoid confusion, when he says "the first two letters" he means the first letter of both words.)

As for the ladies, OPP means something gifted
The first two letters are the same but the last is something different
It's the longest, loveliest, lean-- I call it the leanest
It's another five letter word rhymin' with cleanest and meanest


Schwing!!

Blake said...

Agentdetroit,

I stand corrected. Don't bite my head off... wait. never mind.

Anonymous said...

First!

Anonymous said...

The last couple of posts have been fabulous. The whole first/podium scenario is getting tiresome, however. I was once a "First Poster" myself, but believe me, life is better once you kick the habit.

Anonymous said...

LAST

john b said...

just to prove it isn't over until it's over. Anon 10:45 you are not last. Not sure I understand the whole not washing blood off a bike that is for sale, but hey, what do I know, I live in the coalfields.

Anonymous said...

don't listen to blake, it is a cat

AnnaZed said...

Seriously, the firts, podium thing has become very sad indeed.

What ... is ... the ... point?

agentdetroit said...

just to clarify, my bike is NOT for sale. it was not a craig's list posting, it was for fixed gear gallery. the photos are just document of the aftermath of my crash before i rebuild it with different components.

ka_jun said...

"Police in hunt for flasher on a bike" All right, who's the wise guy?

John said...

Top Tube Two (or Triple T, when texting TTTT) lives in DC. Can't wait to force him into oncoming traffic.

Anonymous said...

We got a demo of it today, and it immediately brought.buy cheap wow gold back memories of the classic 20-player pre-expansion raid instance.cheap wow gold Zul'Gurub.wow gold It's a lush, sprawling outdoor instance.wow po replete with the Mesoamerican-inflected structures we've some to associate with WoW trolls.wow gold and nestled somewhere between Karazhan and the.wow gold kaufen larger raids in terms of the quality of the loot.wow gold In other words, it's the logical next step for.guilds that have farmed Kara to oblivion.

Anonymous said...

Unfortunately it's not the whole truth.wow gold The real fact of the matter is that you can make.wow gold kaufen gold from fishing without knowing how to cook at all.wow gold Yes, cooked deviate fish sell for higher than uncooked ones.wow po but they still sell Then there are others.achat wow gold which can't be cooked, but are used by Alchemists - Firefin Snapper.Cheapest wow gold Oily Blackmouth, and Stonescale Eels still bring in gold.wow gold Not as much as they did pre-TBC, but still a respectable amount.Then there is all the loot available from floating wreckage

Anonymous said...

That's why you should get the best headphones for mp3 players.mp3 player you can find.When you search for the best headphones for mp3 players.cheap mp3 player you'll be amazed by the prices of some of the really high-end.buy mp3 player high-quality, headphones, But don't worry.mp3 player you'll find decent quality headphones for every price range.MP3 PLAYER kaufen Of course, if you ever try one of those high-end models.mp3 player it will take a while to get to the lower model In the end.

Anonymous said...

As stunning as the visual aspects are.eve isk the game’s sound has fallen a bit short for me.ever quest platinum My sound was promptly turned off as the first.lord of the rings online gold volley of missiles nearly defeaned me even after.lotro gold turning it down the effects were too annoying.lotro gold to leave on I’ve heard other players praise the in-game.guild wars gold music but I’ve never had any real attachment.runescape money maybe it’s my propensity to jump on voice-chat or tune into some MP3.

Anonymous said...

коттедж
восстановление зрения
зеленый лазер
электрошокер

dinoibo said...

Sesli sohbet Sesli chat
Seslisohbet Seslichat
Sesli sohbet siteleri Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli Chat
Sohbet Sesli siteler
Sohbet siteleri Chat siteleri
Sohbet merkezi chat merkezi
Sesli merkezi sesli Sohbet merkezi
Sesli chat merkezi Sohbetmerkezi
Sesli Sohbet Sesli Chat
SesliSohbet Sesli chat siteleri
Sesli sohbet siteleri SesliChat
Sesli Sesli siteler
Seslimuhabbet sesli muhabbet
sesli sohbet sesli chat siteleri
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslisohbet seslichat
seslikent sesli kent
sesli sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli chat sesli chat siteleri
seslisohbet seslichat

Bike Locks said...

The person with the TTMBL must be made to feel like a freak and an outcast. Only when they understand the sheer stupidity of their brake lever placement.

ekle paylas said...

nice blog Thanks for sharing. voicesohbet was really very nice.
sesli chat siteleri sesli sohbet
sesli sohbet siteleri sesli chat
seslichat seslisohbet
sesli siteleri chat siteleri
sohbet siteleri sesli siteler
voice sohbet sesli sohbet siteleri
sesli sohbet seslisohbet
sohbet siteleri sesli chat siteleri
seslichat sesli chat
herkesburda herkes burda
sohbetmerkezi sohbetmerkezi

free videos said...

X movies watch free porn indian porn movies. and you sex tv porn movie watch now ! teen videos for you xoporntube videos.

PROfessionaL said...

Free porn videos xoporntube watch !

Anonymous said...


............Nice..^_^v................